How can I give myself a do-over on my cruddy childhood?
August 7, 2010 7:29 AM Subscribe
Can anyone recommend a self-help method for starting one's (emotional) life over again after coming to terms with childhood trauma?
After a lot of thinking and reflecting, I've come to the realization that many of my lifelong problems can be traced to problems from my upbringing. (Not unusual, I realize!) My parents loved me, but just flat-out did not take care of me.
Some examples (long, sorry):
- I spent a great deal of time alone, as I was an only child, my dad worked all the time and my mom was often depressed and holed up in her room. Except for holidays, I ate alone and had to keep myself occupied most of the time. I was very lonely and felt extremely isolated from other people.
- I was raised in a pretty dirty environment and for a long time didn't realize this was not normal. I have no recollection of my parents ever vacuuming, dusting or mopping. Comments from friends as I got older were what triggered me to realize it's not the norm to have black scum on one's kitchen floor, nail clippings on the carpet, and mold in the shower. A relative once visited, and as a thoughtful guest she cleaned up after herself and polished the bathroom faucet to a shine -- I literally had NO idea it could ever look like that. I normalized filth for a really long time. As an adult, the cleanliness of my home has become a major source of anxiety for me and I am paranoid that others will judge me for any mess at all, yet I often lack the energy and drive to do the work needed to keep my home in a condition I'm proud of.
- I was never taught good personal care habits. No one told me to brush my teeth at night, or see a dentist regularly, or take care of my complexion. Now, I don't have the habits ingrained in me that other people do. I'm terrible at anything that resembles self-care for the sake of doing something good for myself or my health. I shower daily and wear at least some makeup, but this comes solely from a desire to minimize my flaws and not gross others out and has nothing to do with my own well-being.
- I was often left in the care of a family friend whose son (close to my age) molested me for about a year. My dad was working overseas during this time, and my mom apparently didn't know about the molestation, though as a parent myself, I find it hard to believe that one wouldn't question it if their child exhibited as much anxiety as I felt during that time. The stress of the molestation, I believe, was what led me to wet the bed from age 8-10 or so. My parents never really talked to me about the bedwetting or acknowledged the problem; they did not even change my sheets or insist that I do so. I never knew at the time that a child shouldn't have to sleep in a disgusting bed. Furthermore, I guess because of the molestation, I became overly sexualized as a young child -- at around age 9 I would constantly snoop and take totally inappropriate things from my parents. I stole a sex toy from my mom and lots of porn from my dad. I remember one very vague comment from my mom about not going through other people's things, but they NEVER addressed with me what I was actually taking or what I was doing with it, nor did they ever even take these items back. My sexualized behavior later turned to me seeking out completely inappropriate scenes in mainstream media and later, becoming engaged in X-rated chat with grown men on one of the earliest BBS platforms. Again, no concern from my parents except for the phone bill when it finally came. We never had any normal conversations at all about sex, and all I knew was that my parents didn't have it (my mom dropped this in an unrelated conversation once). I've spent my entire adult life feeling like I needed to hide my sexual preferences from my partner and that I can't be a sexual being and a normal loving girlfriend/wife at the same time. I've also been completely anorgasmic with a partner.
- I was never taught good eating habits; my mom actually enabled me to binge on junk food non-stop. As a young child, I was left alone so much that I'd gorge myself on starchy foods for comfort (think three bagels with cream cheese or a whole loaf of bread with jam). A typical car ride snack after school at age 8 was a big box of mini doughnuts, a "big grab" bag of chips and a large Slurpee. When my best friend in middle school would sleep over on the weekends, my mom would allow us to order pizza AND to buy a huge family-size bag of chips, a big bag of cookies, a couple of two-liter sodas and more. I got fatter, kids started to tease me, and my mom didn't do anything about it, really. She's always been fat, too, as has every other person, male and female, in her family. I still binge eat to this day, with alternating feelings of desperation (need to eat as much as I can now -- the treats may not be there tomorrow!) and entitlement (I deserve this!) I have become pretty overweight by now, and worry I will pass these habits to my young children.
- I was never required to apply myself in school; my parents' concern with school was limited only to keeping me from failing a grade level altogether or getting a call from the principal about a behavior issue. I was in the "gifted and talented" track at school, but partly because I was never expected to study or do homework, I quickly developed a reputation as the chronic underachiever of the program. I failed algebra twice, got C's and D's in virtually every other class, and was never encouraged to participate in activities or sports, something I believe would have been beneficial on a lot of levels (I grew up feeling like an outcast in terms of academics, athletics, and the arts! Triple bonus!). I graduated high school with a low C average and my parents apparently pulled some strings to get me into a low-rent state school, where I did fine, but it's nowhere near what I was capable of.
I mention these examples because all of them put together have resulted in me feeling like someone who doesn't function on a normal level. Things that I believe should be routine (keeping up with the house, handling my finances responsibly, brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin, etc) are not so for me. I can't seem to view food the way regular, well-adjusted adults do -- every day I'm like a kid in a freaking candy store. I love my parents and still see them fairly often, but deep inside I feel a lot of resentment toward them -- I feel a sense of abandonment, that I was gypped, like my potential was wasted and that I deserved to be taken care of better than I was. There's a lot of bitterness there.
I KNOW I am a prime candidate for therapy. I hope to be able to pursue this someday. Right now, though, I'm hoping someone knows of a book, website, or self-help program that might help me to kind of "do over" some of my developmental phases. (Or just some general advice!) I'd like to be able to build some responsible adult habits -- for example, better eating and better hygiene -- to help me feel more functional. I'd like to be able to set up simple routines for myself for housekeeping and financial management, and stick to them. I'd like to learn how to set goals and then work to achieve them; I've never succeeded at that before. I'd also like to be able to get past this sense of regret, remorse and general mourning for the kid who probably should have been cared for more. Maybe that sounds dumb, I don't know. But I'd sure like to move past all this and make something out of what's left of my life. I've lost 35 years already and don't want to lose any more.
After a lot of thinking and reflecting, I've come to the realization that many of my lifelong problems can be traced to problems from my upbringing. (Not unusual, I realize!) My parents loved me, but just flat-out did not take care of me.
Some examples (long, sorry):
- I spent a great deal of time alone, as I was an only child, my dad worked all the time and my mom was often depressed and holed up in her room. Except for holidays, I ate alone and had to keep myself occupied most of the time. I was very lonely and felt extremely isolated from other people.
- I was raised in a pretty dirty environment and for a long time didn't realize this was not normal. I have no recollection of my parents ever vacuuming, dusting or mopping. Comments from friends as I got older were what triggered me to realize it's not the norm to have black scum on one's kitchen floor, nail clippings on the carpet, and mold in the shower. A relative once visited, and as a thoughtful guest she cleaned up after herself and polished the bathroom faucet to a shine -- I literally had NO idea it could ever look like that. I normalized filth for a really long time. As an adult, the cleanliness of my home has become a major source of anxiety for me and I am paranoid that others will judge me for any mess at all, yet I often lack the energy and drive to do the work needed to keep my home in a condition I'm proud of.
- I was never taught good personal care habits. No one told me to brush my teeth at night, or see a dentist regularly, or take care of my complexion. Now, I don't have the habits ingrained in me that other people do. I'm terrible at anything that resembles self-care for the sake of doing something good for myself or my health. I shower daily and wear at least some makeup, but this comes solely from a desire to minimize my flaws and not gross others out and has nothing to do with my own well-being.
- I was often left in the care of a family friend whose son (close to my age) molested me for about a year. My dad was working overseas during this time, and my mom apparently didn't know about the molestation, though as a parent myself, I find it hard to believe that one wouldn't question it if their child exhibited as much anxiety as I felt during that time. The stress of the molestation, I believe, was what led me to wet the bed from age 8-10 or so. My parents never really talked to me about the bedwetting or acknowledged the problem; they did not even change my sheets or insist that I do so. I never knew at the time that a child shouldn't have to sleep in a disgusting bed. Furthermore, I guess because of the molestation, I became overly sexualized as a young child -- at around age 9 I would constantly snoop and take totally inappropriate things from my parents. I stole a sex toy from my mom and lots of porn from my dad. I remember one very vague comment from my mom about not going through other people's things, but they NEVER addressed with me what I was actually taking or what I was doing with it, nor did they ever even take these items back. My sexualized behavior later turned to me seeking out completely inappropriate scenes in mainstream media and later, becoming engaged in X-rated chat with grown men on one of the earliest BBS platforms. Again, no concern from my parents except for the phone bill when it finally came. We never had any normal conversations at all about sex, and all I knew was that my parents didn't have it (my mom dropped this in an unrelated conversation once). I've spent my entire adult life feeling like I needed to hide my sexual preferences from my partner and that I can't be a sexual being and a normal loving girlfriend/wife at the same time. I've also been completely anorgasmic with a partner.
- I was never taught good eating habits; my mom actually enabled me to binge on junk food non-stop. As a young child, I was left alone so much that I'd gorge myself on starchy foods for comfort (think three bagels with cream cheese or a whole loaf of bread with jam). A typical car ride snack after school at age 8 was a big box of mini doughnuts, a "big grab" bag of chips and a large Slurpee. When my best friend in middle school would sleep over on the weekends, my mom would allow us to order pizza AND to buy a huge family-size bag of chips, a big bag of cookies, a couple of two-liter sodas and more. I got fatter, kids started to tease me, and my mom didn't do anything about it, really. She's always been fat, too, as has every other person, male and female, in her family. I still binge eat to this day, with alternating feelings of desperation (need to eat as much as I can now -- the treats may not be there tomorrow!) and entitlement (I deserve this!) I have become pretty overweight by now, and worry I will pass these habits to my young children.
- I was never required to apply myself in school; my parents' concern with school was limited only to keeping me from failing a grade level altogether or getting a call from the principal about a behavior issue. I was in the "gifted and talented" track at school, but partly because I was never expected to study or do homework, I quickly developed a reputation as the chronic underachiever of the program. I failed algebra twice, got C's and D's in virtually every other class, and was never encouraged to participate in activities or sports, something I believe would have been beneficial on a lot of levels (I grew up feeling like an outcast in terms of academics, athletics, and the arts! Triple bonus!). I graduated high school with a low C average and my parents apparently pulled some strings to get me into a low-rent state school, where I did fine, but it's nowhere near what I was capable of.
I mention these examples because all of them put together have resulted in me feeling like someone who doesn't function on a normal level. Things that I believe should be routine (keeping up with the house, handling my finances responsibly, brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin, etc) are not so for me. I can't seem to view food the way regular, well-adjusted adults do -- every day I'm like a kid in a freaking candy store. I love my parents and still see them fairly often, but deep inside I feel a lot of resentment toward them -- I feel a sense of abandonment, that I was gypped, like my potential was wasted and that I deserved to be taken care of better than I was. There's a lot of bitterness there.
I KNOW I am a prime candidate for therapy. I hope to be able to pursue this someday. Right now, though, I'm hoping someone knows of a book, website, or self-help program that might help me to kind of "do over" some of my developmental phases. (Or just some general advice!) I'd like to be able to build some responsible adult habits -- for example, better eating and better hygiene -- to help me feel more functional. I'd like to be able to set up simple routines for myself for housekeeping and financial management, and stick to them. I'd like to learn how to set goals and then work to achieve them; I've never succeeded at that before. I'd also like to be able to get past this sense of regret, remorse and general mourning for the kid who probably should have been cared for more. Maybe that sounds dumb, I don't know. But I'd sure like to move past all this and make something out of what's left of my life. I've lost 35 years already and don't want to lose any more.
Sorry, my html doesn't seem to be working - here is the site (you'll have to copy and paste):
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
posted by analog at 7:46 AM on August 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
posted by analog at 7:46 AM on August 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know what I am about to say is cliché, but it's good advice worth living by:
Forget that past, you can't change it anyway. Start thinking of your children. Get them to brush AND floss every day. I am serious about the flossing part. Brush your teeth like normal, THEN floss and watch all the gunk that brushing missed.
Don't deny yourself junk food, just severely limit your stores of it. Like buy one or two boxes of cookies next food shop - NOTHING ELSE, AND make it last all week, sharing with all of your family too. If there is only a small amount, it's difficult for you or your kids to pilfer. Eat tons of foods that comes from the ground too. Shop the PERIMETER of your food store (produce, meat, dairy), never go down the actual grocery aisles unless you actually need something on your list like flour or toilet paper. Eat dinner together at the dining room table EVERYDAY - Google recipes and have your kids help with dinner (peel potatoes, set table, chop carrots, wash dishes)
Again, the best thing you can do is never become what your parents became to you. Be with your children all you can, read bed time stories, play, board games, do homework, push them harder everyday, filter every paper that comes through the door- congratulate them if it's a A, point out their problem if it's a bad grade; let them bring home friends from school/neighborhood, etc...
posted by glenno86 at 8:10 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Forget that past, you can't change it anyway. Start thinking of your children. Get them to brush AND floss every day. I am serious about the flossing part. Brush your teeth like normal, THEN floss and watch all the gunk that brushing missed.
Don't deny yourself junk food, just severely limit your stores of it. Like buy one or two boxes of cookies next food shop - NOTHING ELSE, AND make it last all week, sharing with all of your family too. If there is only a small amount, it's difficult for you or your kids to pilfer. Eat tons of foods that comes from the ground too. Shop the PERIMETER of your food store (produce, meat, dairy), never go down the actual grocery aisles unless you actually need something on your list like flour or toilet paper. Eat dinner together at the dining room table EVERYDAY - Google recipes and have your kids help with dinner (peel potatoes, set table, chop carrots, wash dishes)
Again, the best thing you can do is never become what your parents became to you. Be with your children all you can, read bed time stories, play, board games, do homework, push them harder everyday, filter every paper that comes through the door- congratulate them if it's a A, point out their problem if it's a bad grade; let them bring home friends from school/neighborhood, etc...
posted by glenno86 at 8:10 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
anonymous: I mention these examples because all of them put together have resulted in me feeling like someone who doesn't function on a normal level. Things that I believe should be routine (keeping up with the house, handling my finances responsibly, brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin, etc) are not so for me.
In all seriousness, welcome to adulthood, where 90% of people fail utterly at the things you fail at. Our picture of what adulthood looks like is more or less a cultural illusion. Marth Stewart Living is an aspirational magazine, not an accurate depiction of the way most people live. Most people stuggle with housework, most people struggle to get bills paid, most people do not have daily skincare routines, and for most of us brushing our teeth every day is more about habit than a commitment to self-care or wider social niceties.
I am not in any way minimising the neglect you endured as a child but, honest to God: 90% of people struggle with the exact same daily grown up stuff you do, regardless of their background. Being a grown-up is really hard and annoying and overwhelming and exhausting. I mention this so that you can consider the reality that despite your childhood, you are not actually more fucked up with this stuff than everyone else; you're equally fucked up.
I can't seem to view food the way regular, well-adjusted adults do -- every day I'm like a kid in a freaking candy store.
Again, you're not alone here. I have never been to an OA meeting, but if I had a lifelong issue with compulsive overeating, I would look there first for free, local support groups. For me, getting control of one area and having some success at it is very helpful in proving to myself that I can make changes and accomplish goals. Maybe that would be a good path for you to try. Plus if you have kids, you can form good habits for yourself while raising them - you may be more motivated to teach them to brush twice daily and to eat well, and can brush with them and eat with them, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:17 AM on August 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
In all seriousness, welcome to adulthood, where 90% of people fail utterly at the things you fail at. Our picture of what adulthood looks like is more or less a cultural illusion. Marth Stewart Living is an aspirational magazine, not an accurate depiction of the way most people live. Most people stuggle with housework, most people struggle to get bills paid, most people do not have daily skincare routines, and for most of us brushing our teeth every day is more about habit than a commitment to self-care or wider social niceties.
I am not in any way minimising the neglect you endured as a child but, honest to God: 90% of people struggle with the exact same daily grown up stuff you do, regardless of their background. Being a grown-up is really hard and annoying and overwhelming and exhausting. I mention this so that you can consider the reality that despite your childhood, you are not actually more fucked up with this stuff than everyone else; you're equally fucked up.
I can't seem to view food the way regular, well-adjusted adults do -- every day I'm like a kid in a freaking candy store.
Again, you're not alone here. I have never been to an OA meeting, but if I had a lifelong issue with compulsive overeating, I would look there first for free, local support groups. For me, getting control of one area and having some success at it is very helpful in proving to myself that I can make changes and accomplish goals. Maybe that would be a good path for you to try. Plus if you have kids, you can form good habits for yourself while raising them - you may be more motivated to teach them to brush twice daily and to eat well, and can brush with them and eat with them, too.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:17 AM on August 7, 2010 [9 favorites]
I know you love your parents, but what they did was wrong and awful, even if they didn't realize it. I wonder if part of this process might be to figure out a way to view all the pieces of your life more coherently--not just wavering between loving your parents and resenting them, but understanding what happened, how you're currently reacting, and a long-term plan for dealing with the effects of your parents' bad choices. An organization with online forums or support groups, like Adult Survivors of Child Abuse and Neglect might be helpful if you're not comfortable with therapy right now. What you survived goes deeper than just not learning good habits, and fellow survivors may have resources to share with you that general tip sites, like FlyLady, or books on basic health maintenance, just can't provide. (I mean, of course you can develop for yourself a basic curriculum in the areas you want to improve: read through FlyLady, pick up some basic books on health, money management, personal grooming, etc. But at the same time, don't beat yourself up if those basic steps are hard for you--and find resources that speak directly to your experience rather than expecting yourself to naturally "get" this stuff after your abuse- and neglect-filled childhood.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:18 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:18 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I hope to be able to pursue this someday.
Seriously, this should not be a nebulous goal, you should be looking around for therapists now. If not now, then say a goal of "Within the next six months". You've lost 35 years, don't lose anymore.
I'm telling you this in the kindest voice I know, because my heart aches for your trauma even as my blood boils at what you've been through: you need professional help and the sooner the better.
If you're worried about cost, contact the mods at the "contact" link at the bottom of the page and ask them to update this post with city you live in. Someone will probably be able to suggest a therapist that works on a sliding scale or other free or low cost services.
Be aware though that your therapy will take a while, that will be painful and at times you won't seem like you're making any progress. But if you keep at it, you will, I promise, I've seen it happen in others who have been in your position and the change is wonderful.
As for what you can do now: whatever it is, take small steps. If you want to eat better, concentrate on making ONE meal of the day your goal for eating better. The others may still be crappy, but for at least one meal a day, you're trying (and probably sometimes failing, but keep trying!) and you'll be learning skills which can be applied the other meals and to then to life itself.
In order to eat better, you'll have to learn a lot about nutrition. This will seem utterly overwhelming, but that's ok, just remember to keep plugging away at it. You'll mess up sometimes or get really frustrated, but that's ok, the important thing, the most important thing in my opinion is to keep trying.
If you're a morning person, I'd suggest starting with breakfast. If you're a night owl, then dinner.
Start with Nutrition for Dummies, it can gotten for pretty cheap at the above link. Of course you're not a dummy, but I'm assuming that you're starting at really basic level of ignorance about eating right, so starting with basics helps.
For more on eating right, take a look at Eat Me, a collection of food related AskMe's collected in Metafilter's Wiki. In particular, take a look at the ones about fast but healthy and tasty recipes, getting healthy dinner for two on the table in under half an hour (if you're eating alone, you can take extra for lunch the next day) and dinner hacks for quick, easy and healthy dinners.
Even simpler idea, one I've used a lot: Buy a crockpot. It slow cooks food, so I can literally toss a frozen chicken in it, along with a few chopped veggies, in the morning, turn it on and when I come home from work, everything is cooked and the house smells delicious. Yum! Eat Me has recipes for that too, easy as 1, 2, 3.
Summing it up:
Make plans to get professional help and soon. Let the mods know what city you live in so they can update the thread for you. Try to start eating right by taking small steps (setting your goals small). Concentrate on learning how to eat one healthy meal. Realize that all of this will be frustrating and hard and painful at times, but don't give up. Progress will occur, often you'll be able to notice it when looking backwards. You can do this.
Get professional help ASAP.
posted by nomadicink at 8:25 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Seriously, this should not be a nebulous goal, you should be looking around for therapists now. If not now, then say a goal of "Within the next six months". You've lost 35 years, don't lose anymore.
I'm telling you this in the kindest voice I know, because my heart aches for your trauma even as my blood boils at what you've been through: you need professional help and the sooner the better.
If you're worried about cost, contact the mods at the "contact" link at the bottom of the page and ask them to update this post with city you live in. Someone will probably be able to suggest a therapist that works on a sliding scale or other free or low cost services.
Be aware though that your therapy will take a while, that will be painful and at times you won't seem like you're making any progress. But if you keep at it, you will, I promise, I've seen it happen in others who have been in your position and the change is wonderful.
As for what you can do now: whatever it is, take small steps. If you want to eat better, concentrate on making ONE meal of the day your goal for eating better. The others may still be crappy, but for at least one meal a day, you're trying (and probably sometimes failing, but keep trying!) and you'll be learning skills which can be applied the other meals and to then to life itself.
In order to eat better, you'll have to learn a lot about nutrition. This will seem utterly overwhelming, but that's ok, just remember to keep plugging away at it. You'll mess up sometimes or get really frustrated, but that's ok, the important thing, the most important thing in my opinion is to keep trying.
If you're a morning person, I'd suggest starting with breakfast. If you're a night owl, then dinner.
Start with Nutrition for Dummies, it can gotten for pretty cheap at the above link. Of course you're not a dummy, but I'm assuming that you're starting at really basic level of ignorance about eating right, so starting with basics helps.
For more on eating right, take a look at Eat Me, a collection of food related AskMe's collected in Metafilter's Wiki. In particular, take a look at the ones about fast but healthy and tasty recipes, getting healthy dinner for two on the table in under half an hour (if you're eating alone, you can take extra for lunch the next day) and dinner hacks for quick, easy and healthy dinners.
Even simpler idea, one I've used a lot: Buy a crockpot. It slow cooks food, so I can literally toss a frozen chicken in it, along with a few chopped veggies, in the morning, turn it on and when I come home from work, everything is cooked and the house smells delicious. Yum! Eat Me has recipes for that too, easy as 1, 2, 3.
Summing it up:
Make plans to get professional help and soon. Let the mods know what city you live in so they can update the thread for you. Try to start eating right by taking small steps (setting your goals small). Concentrate on learning how to eat one healthy meal. Realize that all of this will be frustrating and hard and painful at times, but don't give up. Progress will occur, often you'll be able to notice it when looking backwards. You can do this.
Get professional help ASAP.
posted by nomadicink at 8:25 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Neglect like this goes on and few freak out about it because it's not a black eye, though it's just as devastaing. I personally think it's more damaging. Mostly because such might go unaddressed for decades. It takes a while (as you mentioned) to realize that something is amiss.
My brother and I have recently had conversations about the way our mom had nothing to say regarding our school work, how he was never brought to a dentist for a period of eight years, how she refused to help him learn how to drive, how she would leave and not return until the next day when he was only 12 = neglect.
It's good that you are at the point of addressing it in your mind. You wrote this question, that is, identified everything that was wrong and this is huge. Many might ignore or refuse to confront such forever (it took me my whole life to start to see how my brother was neglected).
You are at a point where you want a way to start over. Therapy is absolutely the best advice. But little things like keeping a journal or pointedly seeing the things that were missing then and doing those things for yourself now will drive home the fact that not only are you are in charge now, but you are good at it.
posted by marimeko at 8:40 AM on August 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
My brother and I have recently had conversations about the way our mom had nothing to say regarding our school work, how he was never brought to a dentist for a period of eight years, how she refused to help him learn how to drive, how she would leave and not return until the next day when he was only 12 = neglect.
It's good that you are at the point of addressing it in your mind. You wrote this question, that is, identified everything that was wrong and this is huge. Many might ignore or refuse to confront such forever (it took me my whole life to start to see how my brother was neglected).
You are at a point where you want a way to start over. Therapy is absolutely the best advice. But little things like keeping a journal or pointedly seeing the things that were missing then and doing those things for yourself now will drive home the fact that not only are you are in charge now, but you are good at it.
posted by marimeko at 8:40 AM on August 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Another reason to get help ASAP: Until those underlying traumas are addressed, you'll probably continue the bad habits you've spent a lifetime learning (or not learning). Think about it, you already know that some of things you aren't doing are wrong, logically you know it, but still you keep doing them. The exact reasons why are unknown to me or you, that's why a professional is needed. But it may be as simple as the younger you learned to associate eating junk food with being happy. Now that lesson is ingrained and permeates your subconscious mind. It's kind of like a martial arts fighter who has been trained over several years to take a certain stance in combat. After a while, they know longer consciously think of taking that stance, they just react without actually thinking about it.
All of this is just arm chair psychology, but it's arm chair commentary learned from watching someone else go through something similar. It wasn't until their inner traumas started to get addressed that they were able to make gains in area of trouble similar to yours.
Good luck and remember that you can do this! It'll take a while but you can do it!
posted by nomadicink at 8:42 AM on August 7, 2010
All of this is just arm chair psychology, but it's arm chair commentary learned from watching someone else go through something similar. It wasn't until their inner traumas started to get addressed that they were able to make gains in area of trouble similar to yours.
Good luck and remember that you can do this! It'll take a while but you can do it!
posted by nomadicink at 8:42 AM on August 7, 2010
Oh my heart breaks for you.
Check out Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
It has been so immensely helpful to me for the past three years.
Please me-mail me so I can share more with you that I'm not comfortable typing in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning.
Before I go, you deserve the life you are envisioning for yourself, and I'm proud of you for reaching out here.
This stuff is hard to talk about publicly, and you have taken a very big step in acknowledging that you would like to change some things.
Start slow-ish, rather than trying to perfect your whole home routine in one fell swoop.
Also, here's a big hug, and permission to cry if you want to. It won't fix anything but it does release a lot.
posted by bilabial at 8:48 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Check out Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
It has been so immensely helpful to me for the past three years.
Please me-mail me so I can share more with you that I'm not comfortable typing in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning.
Before I go, you deserve the life you are envisioning for yourself, and I'm proud of you for reaching out here.
This stuff is hard to talk about publicly, and you have taken a very big step in acknowledging that you would like to change some things.
Start slow-ish, rather than trying to perfect your whole home routine in one fell swoop.
Also, here's a big hug, and permission to cry if you want to. It won't fix anything but it does release a lot.
posted by bilabial at 8:48 AM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You might consider reaching out to some of the contacts on the SAMHSA site on trauma healing, who might be able to provide you with location specific self-help groups for sexual trauma survivors and relevant readings that might help.
posted by The Straightener at 8:58 AM on August 7, 2010
posted by The Straightener at 8:58 AM on August 7, 2010
Please don't forget the child that you were. Don't bury her- honor the strength and goodness of this child, who got through so much, and survived to build a life for herself. You owe it to her to build the life that she yearned for. You don't have to be perfect all at once, but keep doing what you are doing- recognize where things need improvement, and work to improve them. You have already come so far. I honor the work that you have already done to build the life that you need.
posted by pickypicky at 9:02 AM on August 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by pickypicky at 9:02 AM on August 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
There are no do-overs. There is only choosing now, today, to go on and not to replicate the damage you yourself sustained. The part of you that's crying out for a do-over is worth preserving and caring for and believing in because that's the piece of you that knows she didn't deserve what happened to her. And you *didn't.* The circumstances were not your fault.
That you're asking this question--how do I make it different?--assumes hope. I wish you luck and strength.
My answer addresses only the smallest part of your difficult situation, but because you mentioned the issue of housekeeping, you should pick up a copy of Cheryl Mendelson's comprehensive "Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House," which, though aspirational (as noted above) will give you a thorough understanding of how and why certain housekeeping tasks should be done. It won't give you the energy to do them, but it might help you take small, manageable steps toward creating more order in your immediate surroundings.
You are worth care. I hope that one day you'll know, really know, that this is true.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:11 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
That you're asking this question--how do I make it different?--assumes hope. I wish you luck and strength.
My answer addresses only the smallest part of your difficult situation, but because you mentioned the issue of housekeeping, you should pick up a copy of Cheryl Mendelson's comprehensive "Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House," which, though aspirational (as noted above) will give you a thorough understanding of how and why certain housekeeping tasks should be done. It won't give you the energy to do them, but it might help you take small, manageable steps toward creating more order in your immediate surroundings.
You are worth care. I hope that one day you'll know, really know, that this is true.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:11 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
MonkeyToes nailed it with this: "There are no do-overs. There is only choosing now". That is more true than most people will ever realize.
Here's what worked for me:
Move to a new city and start a new life. Make choices that are the opposite of everything you know that you don't like. I was a country kid who moved to the city. Traded east coast for the west. I live in the heart of downtown Portland, in fact. I traded house life for a loft in a high-rise. Instead of a yard, I have a balcony with a view. Most people give up an hour a day (if not more) to commuting in a car. I get just about everywhere on foot.
What I'm getting at here is change. If you want it, you need to create it. Little changes are easier, but they're less effective because they're too close to everything you know that you want to change. Think big!
Think big!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:37 AM on August 7, 2010
Here's what worked for me:
Move to a new city and start a new life. Make choices that are the opposite of everything you know that you don't like. I was a country kid who moved to the city. Traded east coast for the west. I live in the heart of downtown Portland, in fact. I traded house life for a loft in a high-rise. Instead of a yard, I have a balcony with a view. Most people give up an hour a day (if not more) to commuting in a car. I get just about everywhere on foot.
What I'm getting at here is change. If you want it, you need to create it. Little changes are easier, but they're less effective because they're too close to everything you know that you want to change. Think big!
Think big!
posted by 2oh1 at 10:37 AM on August 7, 2010
My heart hurts for you. :(
"Things that I believe should be routine (keeping up with the house, handling my finances responsibly, brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin, etc) are not so for me."
It may help you to know that many, many, many happy, well-adjusted people have a TERRIBLE time doing these things on a daily basis. I'm a rotten housekeeper and lots of the time I have to force myself to not just stick the bills in drawers and forget them. The difference, I think, between someone who suffered what you did and someone whose childhood was reasonably happy, is that you think, "People will see my messy house and know that I had this horrible childhood and that my mess is connected to all these shameful things." When my house is a catastrophe and I have people over, I think, "People will see my messy house and know I had a bad week, and that I'm not that great a housekeeper. Oh well."
Most people are seeing your messy house and thinking you had a bad week and are not that great a housekeeper. Oh well. They have NO IDEA it's connected to all these other things; they just think you're like the half of humanity who aren't very good at keeping up with this stuff.
(A friend of mine is seriously living-in-squalor bad at keeping her house. They're middle class and on a tight budget, but she hired a housekeeper. For them, it's worth the money to have someone come in twice a month and do what they just aren't any good at doing, and which causes them a lot of stress. Is that an option? Even if you had Merry Maids in twice a year to deep clean, you're more doing the upkeep then.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:43 AM on August 7, 2010
"Things that I believe should be routine (keeping up with the house, handling my finances responsibly, brushing my teeth, taking care of my skin, etc) are not so for me."
It may help you to know that many, many, many happy, well-adjusted people have a TERRIBLE time doing these things on a daily basis. I'm a rotten housekeeper and lots of the time I have to force myself to not just stick the bills in drawers and forget them. The difference, I think, between someone who suffered what you did and someone whose childhood was reasonably happy, is that you think, "People will see my messy house and know that I had this horrible childhood and that my mess is connected to all these shameful things." When my house is a catastrophe and I have people over, I think, "People will see my messy house and know I had a bad week, and that I'm not that great a housekeeper. Oh well."
Most people are seeing your messy house and thinking you had a bad week and are not that great a housekeeper. Oh well. They have NO IDEA it's connected to all these other things; they just think you're like the half of humanity who aren't very good at keeping up with this stuff.
(A friend of mine is seriously living-in-squalor bad at keeping her house. They're middle class and on a tight budget, but she hired a housekeeper. For them, it's worth the money to have someone come in twice a month and do what they just aren't any good at doing, and which causes them a lot of stress. Is that an option? Even if you had Merry Maids in twice a year to deep clean, you're more doing the upkeep then.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:43 AM on August 7, 2010
Ooh! Ooh! flylady.net is perfect! It's a little bit dorky (but extremely kind) site where you can follow along on a program to learn habits to help you deal with life. You start out learning how to keep your sink clean, but ultimately what she is teaching is how to take care of yourself and love yourself.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:55 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 10:55 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think it helps to acknowledge that that same little helpless hurt child is still within you, but now as an adult it's up to you to be in charge of looking after her the way she needs it, you aren't helpless anymore and now you can help her. When you are feeling afraid or hurt, comfort the little girl inside of you, reassure her - i'm sure it won't be easy but its about developing love for yourself by doing whatever you need to look after yourself
posted by parryb at 1:20 PM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by parryb at 1:20 PM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Judith Herman writes about how abuse can affect a child's development in her book Trauma and Recovery. It's not a self-help book, but it's definitely worth reading.
When you start to look for therapists, definitely look at DBT and CBT as possible modalities. They're both helpful for childhood trauma sufferers, and if you're in or near a major city there will almost certainly be sliding scale programs for both. If you're in NYC, drop me a line and I can give you the names and numbers of a few folks.
posted by brina at 1:39 PM on August 7, 2010
When you start to look for therapists, definitely look at DBT and CBT as possible modalities. They're both helpful for childhood trauma sufferers, and if you're in or near a major city there will almost certainly be sliding scale programs for both. If you're in NYC, drop me a line and I can give you the names and numbers of a few folks.
posted by brina at 1:39 PM on August 7, 2010
I was often left in the care of a family friend whose son (close to my age) molested me for about a year.
Me too.
I developed into a normal, happy woman with a great sex life and a loving partner by reminding myself "living well is the best revenge." Don't let what that creep did to you ruin your life because that gives him too much power over you. Instead remind yourself that the slate is wiped clean, your childhood is over, and you are now in charge.
All that stuff you went through is finished and from here on out life can be good, but the total picture looks really bleak to you-- that's because you are trying to accomplish an entire childhood's worth of training in only a short time. Give yourself license to take baby steps.
Set the timer for 10 minutes, a few times a day. Clean as much as you can in that 10 minutes.
Change your eating habits a step at a time. From this moment on promise yourself not to eat another doughnut and to add one serving of vegetables. Keep removing bad foods from your list until you are down to a few treats once or twice a week. Your body belongs to you and if you maintain it well, it will reward you with better performance.
From this day forward promise yourself to brush and floss with the kids at least once a day-- a family habit! Another habit-- never go to bed with make up on. One good wash in the morning, one good wash before bed.
Take control of your sexuality by exploring-- with a patient partner if possible, if not then by yourself. Try different things to get in the mood-- bubble bath, glass of wine, viewing porn, reading erotica, fantasizing, dressing up, body massage, sex toys applied to different areas. You are entitled to a happy sex life and great orgasms so explain to your partner that you need to explore and have him help you with different positions and different techniques. Don't forget the lube!
In short, take charge. Be strong and demand the life that you want. Nobody is going to hand it to you on a silver platter.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:32 PM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Me too.
I developed into a normal, happy woman with a great sex life and a loving partner by reminding myself "living well is the best revenge." Don't let what that creep did to you ruin your life because that gives him too much power over you. Instead remind yourself that the slate is wiped clean, your childhood is over, and you are now in charge.
All that stuff you went through is finished and from here on out life can be good, but the total picture looks really bleak to you-- that's because you are trying to accomplish an entire childhood's worth of training in only a short time. Give yourself license to take baby steps.
Set the timer for 10 minutes, a few times a day. Clean as much as you can in that 10 minutes.
Change your eating habits a step at a time. From this moment on promise yourself not to eat another doughnut and to add one serving of vegetables. Keep removing bad foods from your list until you are down to a few treats once or twice a week. Your body belongs to you and if you maintain it well, it will reward you with better performance.
From this day forward promise yourself to brush and floss with the kids at least once a day-- a family habit! Another habit-- never go to bed with make up on. One good wash in the morning, one good wash before bed.
Take control of your sexuality by exploring-- with a patient partner if possible, if not then by yourself. Try different things to get in the mood-- bubble bath, glass of wine, viewing porn, reading erotica, fantasizing, dressing up, body massage, sex toys applied to different areas. You are entitled to a happy sex life and great orgasms so explain to your partner that you need to explore and have him help you with different positions and different techniques. Don't forget the lube!
In short, take charge. Be strong and demand the life that you want. Nobody is going to hand it to you on a silver platter.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:32 PM on August 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having read this post, I don't think you're dumb. You're very self-aware and articulate. You've been through a lot, and seem very hard on yourself. You sound ready for therapy, ready to face the sources of your pain.
posted by Sara Anne at 4:04 PM on August 10, 2010
posted by Sara Anne at 4:04 PM on August 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
The best way to honor this kid who should've been cared for more is to consider what she would have wanted for you in your adult life - which is probably to be happy and healthy and move on - so congratulations on making the effort.
If you prefer not to access face to face therapy right now, this free online cognitive behaviour therapy site might be useful to you:
Good luck to you.
posted by analog at 7:44 AM on August 7, 2010 [3 favorites]