When in doubt, ask yourself this....
July 20, 2010 8:56 AM   Subscribe

RelationshipFilter: How can I look at the relationship more objectively? When I read the huge long journal entry I just wrote about my relationship, I realize he comes off as kind of a jerk. And he is kinda. But how do I know if I'm being a selfish bitch? How have you learned to draw these lines?

before anyone suggests it - I was in therapy for a while but stopped for a break after making some success with my negative thoughts etc. Seeing her tonight, actually.
We are also in couples' counseling, altho only had two visits, the entire second one he didn't take seriously and kept trying to "lighten the mood' by making jokes. He later apologized to me for being too flip in the session. The first session was ok, but was mostly me crying and saying the same things i do when we're alone, but he actually *heard* me that time.


i've read through so many threads and of course no one who isn't in the relationship really knows what's going on.

i see great advice like someone saying just because you love someone or have been with them a long time, doesn't mean you have to stay forever or marry, and also that in our culture, there's a stigma with walking from something just because it's "not bad". (can't find where i read that on here tho.)

i don't want to blame or feel resentment towards him. but some things ARE his fault and ARE things that won't change. how can i try to figure out what a dealbreaker is or if it's just something that bothers me every now and then? (i realize he must have these thoughts about me as well.)

i know that only I can figure out what a dealbreaker is for me, but i'd like to know some ways to get to the bottom of how i feel about things specifically with regard to relationships and figuring out if i'm being too passive or what. i need to ask some difficult questions and i'm not quite sure what they are.

this is sort of coming to the surface because i've realized a lot of my general angst has been that i am still here in a town i hate and that i want to move to DC and have for years, since before i met boyfriend. he has often mentioned the desire to leave as well, but when it comes down to making plans to do so, we get nowhere. if it wasn't for him, i would have left years ago. but by the time i got done school, it was in the middle of the economic downturn and i had a real hard time finding a job. not really the issue anymore and things are looking good on that front. that was two years ago and i am miserable, stuck in a job i don't like, in a town i hate, and constantly filled with doubt about this long term relationship i'm in.

tl;dr
mefites, what are the difficult questions i need to ask myself, or anyone for that matter, who is having doubts about a long term relationship? i can give more specifics, but am afraid of getting bogged down in details since i'll never be able to the full story. i'm afraid of either putting him on a pedestal or making him seem like a jerk and making myself seem hysterical in the process.
posted by inmyhead to Human Relations (18 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: My biggest advice is to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you.

What do you want from a relationship? And what are you bringing to the current relationship that is making it into something you don't want?

You can't change him, but you can change the way you approach the relationship. The first thing family therapists learn is that you don't have to shift the whole system, just get one person to change the way they show up and the system has to change.

A relationship happens in the space between the two of you, so start by thinking about what you're putting into that space.

It sounds like there are a lot of other factors weighing on you that are coloring your relationship. Who wouldn't be miserable in a job they hated and a city they didn't love?

If you want a job you love, go out and find one. If you want to move to DC, start looking there. Whether he is on board or not, you'll feel better because you're taking steps to improve your situation.

The one thing that guarantees your continued unhappiness is staying in the same spot.
posted by missjenny at 9:11 AM on July 20, 2010 [10 favorites]


what are the difficult questions i need to ask myself, or anyone for that matter, who is having doubts about a long term relationship?

Where do you see yourself in six months or a year with your SO? Does the thought make you smile and feel warm inside? Or does it make you smile and then think "but.."? Does the thought of it make you tired?

If you're "constantly filled with doubt about this long term relationship i'm in" you need to make a more active decision. Either stick with or don't, but you need to make an active decision and follow through on it.
posted by new brand day at 9:15 AM on July 20, 2010


Best answer:
also that in our culture, there's a stigma with walking from something just because it's "not bad". (can't find where i read that on here tho.)


That's funny. What I always read or see is something like, if the guy doesn't like pickles and you do, you ought to dump him because someone exactly like you is going to show up around the corner in a few months. Or someone perfect and amazing and great magically appears. I don't know if this happens or if it's just survivorship bias that eggs these messages on. I barely ever hear that someone should stay with a person because it isn't so bad. Unless it's like a relative or something.

Do you feel the way you feel above every single day? Because I get the sense you're anchored by him, you resent him for that, but that's not his fault.

I'm kind of also getting the sense that you don't know where your LT relationship is going (towards marriage or not)? Or am I just misreading this? Because it seems like you're waiting for him for some reason and if you didn't think it was about marriage, you probably wouldn't stay?
posted by anniecat at 9:20 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


mefites, what are the difficult questions i need to ask myself

For starters, are you staying with your boyfriend in a town you hate because you love your boyfriend enough to forgo DC, or are you staying with him because he's familiar, and the town you hate is familiar, too? Are you staying with your boyfriend because you'd rather be with him anywhere than be in DC without him? Are you getting the jitters about commitment and thus romanticizing a new city? Or are you staying with your boyfriend because it's the only thing you've known in your relatively short adult life, whereas moving to DC is scary and forces you to act on your on terms rather than on the relationship's terms?

My completely armchair assessment is that you're young enough to not recognize what's really making you unhappy (malaise, stagnation, feeling full of potential but unsure of what to do with it) but old enough to recognize you're feeling stuck. Everyone is different, but if it were me - and I've been you in the past - I'd leave the boy, move to the new scary city full of threats and new beginnings, and start my real life.
posted by zoomorphic at 9:24 AM on July 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


How can I look at the relationship more objectively?

I don't think objectivity will help you here. The question is, does this relationship work for you, or can it be changed to work for you? It's an inherently subjective question. Answering it according to your own feelings, needs, dreams and preferences doesn't make you a selfish bitch. Neither should you have to paint your boyfriend as a jerk to avoid taking responsibility for choices that are yours to make. Because these are your choices. Your boyfriend is not holding you back; you're holding you back, and you can stop doing that whenever you're ready to. Whether he comes to DC with you, and whether you are okay with that, are separate questions.
posted by jon1270 at 9:30 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Well, call me crazy, but why do you need to look at the relationship objectively? Human relationships are a subjective experience, and if you're not happy, that's okay. If you don't feel content and if you aren't sure your relationship is where you want to be anymore, that's reason enough to end it, or at least to move on and try something new for a while. You don't need to justify that decision to yourself (or anyone else) with a list of pros and cons.

If you want to be in DC and trying to plan the move together isn't going anywhere, start making plans of your own. If it turns out that your relationship is really where you are supposed to be long-term, that will work out somehow - either he will get off his ass and come with you, or maybe a few months down the road you'll figure out some other arrangement. Right now you're spinning your wheels overanalyzing this, when I'm willing to bet you already know what you want to do.
posted by something something at 9:35 AM on July 20, 2010 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I recommend this book on here all the time: Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay.

It is designed precisely for figuring out which issues are dealbreakers for you. I've found it incredibly helpful for clearing up confusion. The first time I used it the result of working through the questions in the book helped me decide that I would be happier getting a divorce, and I was. No regrets.

The second time I used it I ultimately decided to stay married. The results of working through the book actually suggested I might be happier divorcing, but when my reaction to that turned out to be something along the lines of "but.. but... he's so wonderful in all these other ways and I LOVE him!" that turned out to be extremely helpful information to have as well.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:46 AM on July 20, 2010 [4 favorites]


My question I had to ask myself was:

"Have I had enough yet?"

Have I had enough of the bullshit, or could I deal with some more?

Thus far, I had put up with a LOT of bullshit. Stuff that made me feel stupid for dealing with it, stuff that made me question every single thing about myself. How did I end up with this bozo? How much more was I going to take?

The answer for me was to let it go and let HIM be himself. It might not be today, it might not be this week, but soon, he will do or say that one last thing, and BOOM, that will be it. I will have reached my limit.

And you know what? By letting myself off the hook, I was able to detach like I needed to, and to look at him with an outsiders eye, and say, "You know what, Buddy? I've had enough. "

I just hadn't had enough, YET.

Yes, we only get your side, but if he looks like a jerk on paper, he probably is. Good guys look good on paper. I say run.

Good luck :)
posted by Grlnxtdr at 9:49 AM on July 20, 2010 [3 favorites]


I think you should also ask yourself if you're thinking that moving to DC is going to solve all of your problems. There are sucky jobs here, too, it's expensive, and the exciting sheen of living in the city wears off when you're too poor to have fun and when your job is horrible.
posted by anniecat at 9:53 AM on July 20, 2010


Response by poster: thanks, everyone. AskMetafilter: the wise aunt i never had.

i think i'm going to do some more journaling based on a lot of these questions. this is exactly the sort of thing i was hoping i would get.

and anniecat - yes i have thought about if my city desire is a "geographic fix" but i've wanted to move to either DC or NYC for as long as i can remember, well before this relationship. i've always been upfront about the desire to move on.

otherwise, i'm going to not really respond with more details unless you guys feel more info would help figure out more questions. i hope these really help someone else in the future too.


also - serene empress dork - that sounds like a good book. thanks for the rec. i will check it out.
posted by inmyhead at 10:08 AM on July 20, 2010


Response by poster: and that book is available as a kindle edition!

will be reading it shortly!
posted by inmyhead at 10:09 AM on July 20, 2010


You might also want to check this book out (also on Kindle). It's a pretty easy read, and the crux of it is: If he's willing to put effort into working on these issues, then it might be worth staying. If not, break up.
posted by foxjacket at 10:17 AM on July 20, 2010


Response by poster: also - i would probalby end marking most of these as BEST so i'm trying to just pick the bestest best best.

you are all being very helpful. seriously.
posted by inmyhead at 10:19 AM on July 20, 2010


I once wrote a long journal entry, full of anger and frustration, about a couple of issues I had with my husband at the time. While they were legitimate issues I had a right to be angry about, the journal entry made him sound like a huge dick. I had posted the entry to an online journal which only a few internet-only friends could see. Several people left comments telling me what a jerk he is, that I shouldn't put up with that kind of treatment, etc. A few questioned why I had stayed with him this long.

The thing is, I was so angry and fed up that I was completely focused on the negative at that moment. And I realized that I had only described the one small part of his personality that was really bugging me at the moment. (And in retrospect, I had blown the situation somewhat out of proportion due to being in full-on angry rant mode at the time.)

So then I wrote another entry explaining to my commenters all the ways in which he was a really good husband. And my commenters change their tune from DTMFA to "hmmmm... now I understand why you've stayed... good luck figuring this out."

Maybe try your hand at writing another journal entry in which you outline all the qualities which make him a good boyfriend for you. If you can't find much good to say, if you wind up grasping at straws, or trying to reframe negative things as positives, or if all the good things about him are things you don't really care about in a boyfriend, then that will give you a pretty clear sign that he is not the right man for you.

But if it turns out there's a lot you appreciate and love about the way he treats you and the life you have with him, then you're down to weighting pros and cons. But at least you'll have a more balanced picture of your relationship to consider, rather than making an abrupt decision just because you're feeling negative or angry at the moment.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:35 AM on July 20, 2010 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: my journal entry wasn't all angry. i was going back and forth between 'this annoys me' and "this is good".

i think it's the part you say about figuring if i'm trying reframe negatives as positives that i'm trying to figure out right now, trying to figure out what to ask to figure out if i'm being honest or if i'm deluding myself because i'm just unhappy with other aspects with my life.

i think both books look pretty good for helping figure this out and seem to be filled the kind of questions i need to be asking.
posted by inmyhead at 11:03 AM on July 20, 2010


i see great advice like someone saying just because you love someone or have been with them a long time, doesn't mean you have to stay forever or marry, and also that in our culture, there's a stigma with walking from something just because it's "not bad".

I think the stigma is against breaking someone's heart for minor reasons. It sounds like you are conflicted about this and are trying to put one side of the conflict outside of you, that it's just a socially-imposed standard that's getting in the way of your true happiness. But aren't you basically distancing yourself from your own feelings of love and care for him? I think this can only be destructive to you and your future relationships, and if you did break up with him because of it, I think you would carry the guilt for a long time. Isn't that why you are looking for objective reasons for what you are doing, in the hopes that when you do feel guilty later you can tell yourself that it wasn't really your choice, it was objectively required. I doubt this will work very well.

The red flag here is that you aren't making him seem like a jerk nor putting him on a pedestal, but thinking of him in very neutral, balanced terms as if he is a stranger to you. You want to take the objective view because you think it will swiftly cut the Gordian knot of the difficult emotional entanglements you are facing, possibly indicating that you are going through a lot of short term emotional distress right now and need some kind of relief, even if it's drastic. I don't know your situation, but my advice is to keep in mind the long-term costs of your chosen actions.

Not sure if this is useful or not, but in your first session together, you were mostly crying. And in the second session, he was trying to lighten the mood. Could those two things be connected? It sounds like he has a hard time coping with the intensity of your emotions.
posted by AlsoMike at 12:43 PM on July 20, 2010


Response by poster: that's a good point, AlsoMike. maybe i can bring it up in therapy.

he's pretty unemotional. he's either neutral or being a goofball, not a lot in between.

i just keep having this short term emotional distress, repeatedly, over the last 5 years, about our relationship. i was trying to not give too many details that would paint any sort of picture of him.

i am definitely a rationilzer, but these questions are kinda helping me examine my feelings. i guess what i meant by "objective" was more how i could i question myself to determine how i feel and what i feel. cause it's a lot and confusing.

i've been reading the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay that was recommended up thread and it's really, really helping me focus on what I'm feeling, not just what I'm thinking or making excuses about.
posted by inmyhead at 2:07 PM on July 20, 2010


Response by poster: an update...

so we had a break through session in therapy. i had been sleeping on the couch because i just couldn't deal with it anymore.

i was very angry in therapy and said i had been not yelling at home because we live together and i was trying to keep it as normal as possible until our next session.

i yelled and just kept saying "i've had it, i can't take this anymore". and let him do the talking. he kept bringing up my mental health as a reason for not being "in" the whole way. whatev. he's the only person that thinks i'm bipolar.

so finally the therapist gets him talking and gets him to realize that all this time he has been projecting his own doubts about being able to commit onto me and making ME the one who was going to leave him, even tho i never did anything to make think i would leave (which he even said, that he knew it was irrational but couldn't stop himself) and it all went back to his childhood and how his grandmother did that to his father and how she was never talked nicely about at all (and still isn't, she was CRAZY in a serious way), and how his brothers both had messy first marriages and the impact this had on him in terms of viewing relationships with women.

and also how he put himself in a caretaker role even tho he didn't want it, because he needs a role because he doesn't know himself very well at all. and how he needed me to be someone who needed to be taken care of in some way so he could fulfill that role.

so he agreed to get individual therapy. and he made an appt all on his own the next day without any reminding to me.

we had another the following week. and he's understanding so much more. (i think my synopsis above is actually from both sessions we had, they were close together.)

he even has said simply "i'm sorry."
things are somewhat better. he's trying really hard. and i'm posting another askme about new developments. fun stuff.
posted by inmyhead at 8:36 AM on September 7, 2010


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