How do I help a friend?
July 16, 2010 10:18 AM Subscribe
A friend of mine has recently been sexually assaulted in a Kibbutz in Israel. I have limited experience counseling. I know enough to know this is well out of my league and that she may develop PTSD from this, but she is unable (not unwilling) to seek treatment for another two weeks. What do I do?
First, I'm a guy, I'm in Canada and I'm not Jewish. I was taught to be a student counselor when I was really young and I have psych 101 plus independent reading for education. I help friends de-stress sometimes by listening to them. I know that I am not the guy who should be counseling this person, and have convinced them to get real help. But they can not get it until they're off the kibbutz. She can't leave because she don't know anyone else in the country and has no where to stay.
What makes this even worse is that not only can she can not trust anyone on the kibbutz but the two people she has told just told her that she "should've been more aggressive."
What concerns me the most is that she may develop PTSD, severe depression or the whole host of other problems which tend to afflict sexual assault victims. All I can do is talk to her over the phone and tell her that it's not her fault and that the people who said that to her are totally wrong.
Can this wait the two (likely three) weeks before she can even seek help? Is there help available to her that neither of us know about? What should I not be doing? and finally, is there anything I can do?
First, I'm a guy, I'm in Canada and I'm not Jewish. I was taught to be a student counselor when I was really young and I have psych 101 plus independent reading for education. I help friends de-stress sometimes by listening to them. I know that I am not the guy who should be counseling this person, and have convinced them to get real help. But they can not get it until they're off the kibbutz. She can't leave because she don't know anyone else in the country and has no where to stay.
What makes this even worse is that not only can she can not trust anyone on the kibbutz but the two people she has told just told her that she "should've been more aggressive."
What concerns me the most is that she may develop PTSD, severe depression or the whole host of other problems which tend to afflict sexual assault victims. All I can do is talk to her over the phone and tell her that it's not her fault and that the people who said that to her are totally wrong.
Can this wait the two (likely three) weeks before she can even seek help? Is there help available to her that neither of us know about? What should I not be doing? and finally, is there anything I can do?
It's a really good sign that she's reaching out and it sounds like you're being a great friend to her right now--the single most important thing you can do after a friend has been assaulted is to listen to them and validate their feelings, so please don't beat up on yourself about not being able to do more.
A quick Google turned up the Association of Rape Crisis Centers in Israel--calling their hotline would give her another person to talk to and they would know more about the medical/psychological resources available to her in Israel, as well as the cultural context of the kibbutz.
My thoughts are with you and your friend.
posted by besonders at 10:26 AM on July 16, 2010
A quick Google turned up the Association of Rape Crisis Centers in Israel--calling their hotline would give her another person to talk to and they would know more about the medical/psychological resources available to her in Israel, as well as the cultural context of the kibbutz.
My thoughts are with you and your friend.
posted by besonders at 10:26 AM on July 16, 2010
Used to be a rape relief advocate. Be available and supportive. Tell her how glad you are that she did what she needed to do to preserve her life. Listen to as much as she wants to tell you. Support her decision making . . . PTSD has a lot to do with the devastating loss of control when a traumatic event like sexual assault occurs, so the ability to regain control of one's life and decisions is important.
Of course there are resources in Israel for sexual assault, but be respectful of her decisions about when and how to access those.
posted by bearwife at 10:27 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Of course there are resources in Israel for sexual assault, but be respectful of her decisions about when and how to access those.
posted by bearwife at 10:27 AM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
How did she connect to this kibbutz in Canada?
If the people on the Israeli side arent interested in listening - well, the Canadian side might at least want to know about it before they send more young girls to this place.
Maybe wait till she gets back, and that kibbutz is behind her - but, at some point, I would take steps to alert authorities. Who knows what may happen next, who may be hurt next, if this allowed to become a pattern.
posted by Flood at 10:50 AM on July 16, 2010
If the people on the Israeli side arent interested in listening - well, the Canadian side might at least want to know about it before they send more young girls to this place.
Maybe wait till she gets back, and that kibbutz is behind her - but, at some point, I would take steps to alert authorities. Who knows what may happen next, who may be hurt next, if this allowed to become a pattern.
posted by Flood at 10:50 AM on July 16, 2010
The Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network Online Hotline can help you and her find resources (and feedback). Disclosure: I am a trained volunteer. We are trained to talk to both survivors and family/friends. The hotline can be reached by phone at 1-800-656-HOPE; I would highly recommend that you call them.
Neither the OHL nor the phone hotline do counseling, but we do crisis intervention. That means that while we can't, for example, hold weekly sessions, we can brainstorm, discuss, and offer thoughts with you, or her, on coping strategies, ways to get help, and next steps.
I might also consider contacting the Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Line. While they might not be the most appropriate, they should be able to provide some resources.
If she is Canadian as well, she may want to contact the Foreign Ministry. She may not. That's up to her. She may want to contact authorities. She may not. Again, that's up to her. I would strongly advise against your reporting or contacting anyone on her behalf without her explicit permission - honestly, I might not even ask. Let her chose who she feels comfortable telling, and don't push her on that.
Thank you for being there for her - that requires a lot of strength. If you're feeling mad, sad, angry, etc., please know that all of these emotions are really normal for friends of survivors. You are doing everything you can.
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:06 AM on July 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
Neither the OHL nor the phone hotline do counseling, but we do crisis intervention. That means that while we can't, for example, hold weekly sessions, we can brainstorm, discuss, and offer thoughts with you, or her, on coping strategies, ways to get help, and next steps.
I might also consider contacting the Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Line. While they might not be the most appropriate, they should be able to provide some resources.
If she is Canadian as well, she may want to contact the Foreign Ministry. She may not. That's up to her. She may want to contact authorities. She may not. Again, that's up to her. I would strongly advise against your reporting or contacting anyone on her behalf without her explicit permission - honestly, I might not even ask. Let her chose who she feels comfortable telling, and don't push her on that.
Thank you for being there for her - that requires a lot of strength. If you're feeling mad, sad, angry, etc., please know that all of these emotions are really normal for friends of survivors. You are doing everything you can.
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:06 AM on July 16, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread may have some helpful advice and resources for your friend.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:30 PM on July 16, 2010
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:30 PM on July 16, 2010
I'm in Israel and would be happy to offer her a place to stay or to help in any other way. Memail me for my number.
I also wanted to highlight the link besonders posted. I think I know someone who volunteers there (Jerusalem branch) and can get in contact with her if your friend needs help figuring out resources.
posted by people? I ain't people! at 1:03 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also wanted to highlight the link besonders posted. I think I know someone who volunteers there (Jerusalem branch) and can get in contact with her if your friend needs help figuring out resources.
posted by people? I ain't people! at 1:03 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hi, here are a list of phone numbers for rape victims all over Israel:
טלפון
קו טלפון חירום ארצי 1202
קו באמהרית 1-800-220-230
מיט"ל - המרכז הישראלי לטיפול בפגיעות מיניות בילדים: 02-6720650
קו לנשים דתיות 02-6730002
קו גברים דתיים 02-5328000
תל-אביב 03-5176176
קו גברים 03-5179179
חיפה 04-8641262
ירושלים 02-6255558
באר שבע 08-6421313
אילת 08-6373311
נצרת 04-6566813
רעננה 09-7747760
שפלה, רחובות (מרכז תאיר) 08-9496020
קרית שמונה 04-6943996
ארגון ארצי לעזר לחולה ירושלים 02-5003051
מרכז אל סוהר (לנשים ערביות) 04-8533044
Unfortunately, it's in Hebrew. Do you know where her kibbutz is? Or what the name of it is?
posted by namesarehard at 1:52 PM on July 16, 2010
טלפון
קו טלפון חירום ארצי 1202
קו באמהרית 1-800-220-230
מיט"ל - המרכז הישראלי לטיפול בפגיעות מיניות בילדים: 02-6720650
קו לנשים דתיות 02-6730002
קו גברים דתיים 02-5328000
תל-אביב 03-5176176
קו גברים 03-5179179
חיפה 04-8641262
ירושלים 02-6255558
באר שבע 08-6421313
אילת 08-6373311
נצרת 04-6566813
רעננה 09-7747760
שפלה, רחובות (מרכז תאיר) 08-9496020
קרית שמונה 04-6943996
ארגון ארצי לעזר לחולה ירושלים 02-5003051
מרכז אל סוהר (לנשים ערביות) 04-8533044
Unfortunately, it's in Hebrew. Do you know where her kibbutz is? Or what the name of it is?
posted by namesarehard at 1:52 PM on July 16, 2010
As above, RAINN is a great resource, with both phone and online services. Pandora's Aquarium -- www.pandys.org -- has something like 20,000 online members, along with a live chat, discussion forums, articles and other resources.
posted by acoutu at 4:19 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by acoutu at 4:19 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
Er, of course, she may not have Internet access. But Pandy's has a secondary survivors forum and resources, which might help you.
posted by acoutu at 4:21 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by acoutu at 4:21 PM on July 16, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'll help by translating the names of the cities that namesarehard submitted. You (or she) can pick the one closest to the kibbutz.
Tel Aviv 03-5176176
Haifa 04-8641262
Jerusalem 02-6255558
Be'er Sheva 08-6421313
Eilat 08-6373311
Nazareth 04-6566813
Ra'anana 09-7747760
Shphelah/Rechovot 08-9496020
Kiryat Shmonah 04-6943996
Good luck. Let me know if there's anything else that long-distance Hebrew proficiency can help with.
posted by AngerBoy at 7:56 PM on July 17, 2010
Tel Aviv 03-5176176
Haifa 04-8641262
Jerusalem 02-6255558
Be'er Sheva 08-6421313
Eilat 08-6373311
Nazareth 04-6566813
Ra'anana 09-7747760
Shphelah/Rechovot 08-9496020
Kiryat Shmonah 04-6943996
Good luck. Let me know if there's anything else that long-distance Hebrew proficiency can help with.
posted by AngerBoy at 7:56 PM on July 17, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 10:26 AM on July 16, 2010