too much estrogen for one house
July 12, 2010 8:28 PM Subscribe
Help me get along with my female family members at home!
I’m a junior in college and currently living at home for the summer. At school I live by myself and enjoy having my own space, but at home I live with my parents, my older sister (29) and her son (< 2 years). I get along with my dad without any problems, but there is constantly this underlying drama going on between my mom, my sister and myself. One of us is always in a snit with the other, and the third is always used a way to vent anger. Or often times two will side together on a issue against the third. It’s like the trifecta of crazy, and it’s getting to be too much for me to handle.
Example 1: My sister came to me to vent about issues she has with my mother. We all help out with babysitting and taking care of my nephew, but my mother has a tendency to not voice her concerns and then EXPLODE. It makes it even harder for my sister to ask my mom to babysit because she never knows if my mom is fine with it or will use it as ammunition against her later. My sister and I talked about this, and my mom walked in on it. More fighting ensued, basically ending in my mom retreating to her room because she felt attacked when we explained what we were talking about.
Example 2: My sister is very nosey, and I’ve learned to be really wary of telling her ANYTHING. I learned right away that I cannot tell her about doing anything my parents wouldn’t approve of—the information always gets back to them. When she tries to ask me about what my weekend plans are or how my love life is these days, I clam up. I tell her I don’t really want to talk about any of it with her, and she persists. When I tell her firmly to back off, she immediately gets defensive and whines about how I never tell her anything and she just wants to know what’s going on in my life. This happens weekly.
I feel trapped in my own house. When a fight starts getting ugly, I’ve stopped standing my ground and instead go to my room. But 9 times out of 10 the fight will follow me there, and one or both will continue it from the doorway. I need ideas to keep the drama levels low in this hormonal house until I move back to school in mid August. HALP!
I’m a junior in college and currently living at home for the summer. At school I live by myself and enjoy having my own space, but at home I live with my parents, my older sister (29) and her son (< 2 years). I get along with my dad without any problems, but there is constantly this underlying drama going on between my mom, my sister and myself. One of us is always in a snit with the other, and the third is always used a way to vent anger. Or often times two will side together on a issue against the third. It’s like the trifecta of crazy, and it’s getting to be too much for me to handle.
Example 1: My sister came to me to vent about issues she has with my mother. We all help out with babysitting and taking care of my nephew, but my mother has a tendency to not voice her concerns and then EXPLODE. It makes it even harder for my sister to ask my mom to babysit because she never knows if my mom is fine with it or will use it as ammunition against her later. My sister and I talked about this, and my mom walked in on it. More fighting ensued, basically ending in my mom retreating to her room because she felt attacked when we explained what we were talking about.
Example 2: My sister is very nosey, and I’ve learned to be really wary of telling her ANYTHING. I learned right away that I cannot tell her about doing anything my parents wouldn’t approve of—the information always gets back to them. When she tries to ask me about what my weekend plans are or how my love life is these days, I clam up. I tell her I don’t really want to talk about any of it with her, and she persists. When I tell her firmly to back off, she immediately gets defensive and whines about how I never tell her anything and she just wants to know what’s going on in my life. This happens weekly.
I feel trapped in my own house. When a fight starts getting ugly, I’ve stopped standing my ground and instead go to my room. But 9 times out of 10 the fight will follow me there, and one or both will continue it from the doorway. I need ideas to keep the drama levels low in this hormonal house until I move back to school in mid August. HALP!
I think this problem is less about living with women than it is about living with family.
If you approach it from that angle, you might have better luck dealing with the drama going on around you. It's not that you're having trouble with them because they're girls and girls have problems that you don't understand or want to be a part of--it's that they're people whose problems you don't want to be a part of but don't have a choice because you live with them and love them.
It's just one of those things. It's a bummer, but try to suck it up till August. Try to get out of the house as much as possible.
posted by phunniemee at 8:37 PM on July 12, 2010
If you approach it from that angle, you might have better luck dealing with the drama going on around you. It's not that you're having trouble with them because they're girls and girls have problems that you don't understand or want to be a part of--it's that they're people whose problems you don't want to be a part of but don't have a choice because you live with them and love them.
It's just one of those things. It's a bummer, but try to suck it up till August. Try to get out of the house as much as possible.
posted by phunniemee at 8:37 PM on July 12, 2010
I feel trapped in my own house. (gumtree)
Then get out. I mean, I understand that you have to live there right now, but don't be there all the time. If you have to invent a fake club and go hang out at Starbucks or the public library (or, better yet, join an actual club), do it. Be home when you have to (your turn with the nephew, etc.), but otherwise give yourself a long leash. If you aren't in control of your transportation, take a lot of long walks. (Do you have a dog? If so, make yourself in charge of the dogwalking.)
Tell your sister that you just can't talk with her about your mom right now, and stay out of their arguments as much as you can.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:38 PM on July 12, 2010
Then get out. I mean, I understand that you have to live there right now, but don't be there all the time. If you have to invent a fake club and go hang out at Starbucks or the public library (or, better yet, join an actual club), do it. Be home when you have to (your turn with the nephew, etc.), but otherwise give yourself a long leash. If you aren't in control of your transportation, take a lot of long walks. (Do you have a dog? If so, make yourself in charge of the dogwalking.)
Tell your sister that you just can't talk with her about your mom right now, and stay out of their arguments as much as you can.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:38 PM on July 12, 2010
I think the main issue here is that you've left home and gotten used to having your independence, and now you're back in an old family situation you've probably grown out of. It also sounds like there are all kinds of dynamics between your mom and your sister that you've sort of intruded on, and being stuck in the house with them you don't have the option of just turning it off, the way you can when you're living somewhere else.
I don't really know what advice I can give you in this situation aside from telling you that 6 more weeks isn't that long, and it'll be over before you know it.
Do you have enough social interaction outside your family? One thing that happened to me when I would go home between school terms was that all my old friends had moved away or moved on, so I had nobody to hang out with but family. And drama inevitably ensued. You sound like you're going a little stir crazy. Is there a friend you can stay with for a week or two? Take a road trip? Couch surf around for a bit?
posted by Sara C. at 8:41 PM on July 12, 2010
I don't really know what advice I can give you in this situation aside from telling you that 6 more weeks isn't that long, and it'll be over before you know it.
Do you have enough social interaction outside your family? One thing that happened to me when I would go home between school terms was that all my old friends had moved away or moved on, so I had nobody to hang out with but family. And drama inevitably ensued. You sound like you're going a little stir crazy. Is there a friend you can stay with for a week or two? Take a road trip? Couch surf around for a bit?
posted by Sara C. at 8:41 PM on July 12, 2010
When she tries to ask me about what my weekend plans are or how my love life is these days, I clam up. I tell her I don’t really want to talk about any of it with her, and she persists.
I realize from your perspective, it was probably, "We played beer pong, then some more people came over, and they had weed, and we got high." But, you don't need to frame it as such! "I went over to Little Johnny's house and Mikey and everyone came over, we watched I Love You Man."
And, "Rebecca was kind of drunk, so we made out, then by the end of the night she was back with her boyfriend," turns into, "I'm sort of talking to Rebecca, but it is not serious."
Voila! Their social lives are boring and they just want to live through you. Give them the G-rated version. Trust me they know college age juniors mixing with coeds is going to involve debauchery, you just don't have to throw it in their face.
posted by geoff. at 8:44 PM on July 12, 2010
I realize from your perspective, it was probably, "We played beer pong, then some more people came over, and they had weed, and we got high." But, you don't need to frame it as such! "I went over to Little Johnny's house and Mikey and everyone came over, we watched I Love You Man."
And, "Rebecca was kind of drunk, so we made out, then by the end of the night she was back with her boyfriend," turns into, "I'm sort of talking to Rebecca, but it is not serious."
Voila! Their social lives are boring and they just want to live through you. Give them the G-rated version. Trust me they know college age juniors mixing with coeds is going to involve debauchery, you just don't have to throw it in their face.
posted by geoff. at 8:44 PM on July 12, 2010
Response by poster: To clarify..
I am also a girl.
I'm not getting out of the house as much as I used to. My boyfriend recently moved away, and most of my friends are busy during my "weekend" (Mon-Wed). That said, I do get to see friends several times a week, but just not enough to keep me away from home for very long.
I've tried giving my sister the watered down version, but she persists with even more questions ("So are you guys having sex?" "Are you hungover? What did you drink?") I'm not really sure what to do..
posted by gumtree at 8:56 PM on July 12, 2010
I am also a girl.
I'm not getting out of the house as much as I used to. My boyfriend recently moved away, and most of my friends are busy during my "weekend" (Mon-Wed). That said, I do get to see friends several times a week, but just not enough to keep me away from home for very long.
I've tried giving my sister the watered down version, but she persists with even more questions ("So are you guys having sex?" "Are you hungover? What did you drink?") I'm not really sure what to do..
posted by gumtree at 8:56 PM on July 12, 2010
I live with older women and extend my sympathies. You sound like you want to stay out of the fighting, best to just be present as little as possible.
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 8:59 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 8:59 PM on July 12, 2010
Never say anything negative about mom to sister, or sister to mom. Let your response to any negativity from one about the other be totally diplomatic, erring on the side of positive--basically nodding (or shaking your head, it may vary) and saying "Mmm" is what you want to aim for. You can be a listener without being a participant in their drama.
When your sister pries, just say something like "It's so great that we can talk about all my shit" and then don't talk about any of your real shit, talk about stuff that is inconsequential and meaningless, like why your favorite show has been rescheduled or why the corner store no longer carries your favorite beer.
It sounds like you have an iron-clad out for almost any situation by just changing the subject to how awesome your nephew is.
posted by padraigin at 9:03 PM on July 12, 2010
When your sister pries, just say something like "It's so great that we can talk about all my shit" and then don't talk about any of your real shit, talk about stuff that is inconsequential and meaningless, like why your favorite show has been rescheduled or why the corner store no longer carries your favorite beer.
It sounds like you have an iron-clad out for almost any situation by just changing the subject to how awesome your nephew is.
posted by padraigin at 9:03 PM on July 12, 2010
You should tell your sister point blank that she can either mind her own business or learn to live with what she finds out.
I'm 29 and have a younger brother your age. He's gotten into his fair share of trouble (a LOT worse than a few hangovers), and I have to work really hard not to lecture him all the time about everything. Or go to our parents with the stuff I find out (or even just bitching and moaning about collectively known issues). He's 21 years old. It's his life, his turn to make mistakes. I certainly made enough of them when I was his age. This can sometimes be a really difficult thing to remember and follow through on, because he's my baby brother. I feel protective of him, and until recently it was perfectly appropriate for me to tell him what to do.
I don't know what you can really do about it besides telling her where to get off. But if you want some insight into how she probably feels, that's my take.
posted by Sara C. at 9:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm 29 and have a younger brother your age. He's gotten into his fair share of trouble (a LOT worse than a few hangovers), and I have to work really hard not to lecture him all the time about everything. Or go to our parents with the stuff I find out (or even just bitching and moaning about collectively known issues). He's 21 years old. It's his life, his turn to make mistakes. I certainly made enough of them when I was his age. This can sometimes be a really difficult thing to remember and follow through on, because he's my baby brother. I feel protective of him, and until recently it was perfectly appropriate for me to tell him what to do.
I don't know what you can really do about it besides telling her where to get off. But if you want some insight into how she probably feels, that's my take.
posted by Sara C. at 9:10 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your sister is trying to live vicariously through you. She is at home with her son while you are out partying in her mind. I would tell her you are upset that every time you give her the straight skinny it gets back to M&D. As for Mom, why are you involved in a discussion about the way she reacts to having to babysit for you nephew? You are there for another month. I would simply smile and play the game. I would also hang with dad as much as possible if you get along with him. Avoid the drama.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:20 PM on July 12, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:20 PM on July 12, 2010
try going for a lot of walks- tell them that you're trying to get some more excercise - when either of them starts talking about something you don't want to discuss, say, I'm going for a walk, come with me and we can talk outside. Most of the time, they probably won't want to get off their butts to go with you, but will feel happy about being invited, and if either of them do come along, you are likely to have a really good conversation. Sometimes a change of setting can help to shake an argument out of it's habitual rut - people are less likely to speak loudly or maliciously in public where they can be overheard. It may or may not work, but it's worth a try, and if nothing else, you'll get some excercise.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:50 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:50 PM on July 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't give in to your sister's queries. Don't support talking behind backs, no matter how innocent and supportive it may seem.
She's apparently working through some maturity issues and she and your mom are clearly under a lot of pressure. You can't be the vent in this case without getting caught in the steam, so stay out of it.
Encourage them to talk to each other, but don't get in between them for anything and don't give your sister ammo for "interesting" topics with your mom. Make sure they know you love them both, be there for them where it counts, and keep clear of this minefield at all costs.
I'm not sure if I would tell your sister "where to get off", precisely. It does sound like she is going through a maturity challenge right now, and that could ignite some real fireworks. Totally unnecessary and likely counter-productive. Just refusing to add to the fuel in either direction will likely be enough to calm things down (at least around you).
Whatever you do, good luck!
posted by batmonkey at 12:06 AM on July 13, 2010
She's apparently working through some maturity issues and she and your mom are clearly under a lot of pressure. You can't be the vent in this case without getting caught in the steam, so stay out of it.
Encourage them to talk to each other, but don't get in between them for anything and don't give your sister ammo for "interesting" topics with your mom. Make sure they know you love them both, be there for them where it counts, and keep clear of this minefield at all costs.
I'm not sure if I would tell your sister "where to get off", precisely. It does sound like she is going through a maturity challenge right now, and that could ignite some real fireworks. Totally unnecessary and likely counter-productive. Just refusing to add to the fuel in either direction will likely be enough to calm things down (at least around you).
Whatever you do, good luck!
posted by batmonkey at 12:06 AM on July 13, 2010
Regarding "where to get off", I was referring to the thing where her sister pumps her for information about her personal life, and then uses it against her. In that situation, yeah, the best thing to do is just say, "Why should I answer your questions when you're just going to flip out on me and create drama?" It's not an interrogation. Her sister does not have a right to be confided in, and even less so if she can't be trusted with that sort of information.
And I say this as the big sister who gets scandalized by the things my baby brother confides to me. It was when he said, "I'm not talking to you about this stuff anymore, because you'll just tell Mom and I'll get my ass handed to me" that I realized it's not my place to keep his behavior in check, and if I want a close relationship with him, I have to let the protective big sister thing go.
posted by Sara C. at 12:25 AM on July 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
And I say this as the big sister who gets scandalized by the things my baby brother confides to me. It was when he said, "I'm not talking to you about this stuff anymore, because you'll just tell Mom and I'll get my ass handed to me" that I realized it's not my place to keep his behavior in check, and if I want a close relationship with him, I have to let the protective big sister thing go.
posted by Sara C. at 12:25 AM on July 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I totally get where you're coming from, Sara C., and it's fantastic that you were able to take that information without causing a bigger kerfuffle. I hope your brother is grateful for your level-headedness.
posted by batmonkey at 12:46 AM on July 13, 2010
posted by batmonkey at 12:46 AM on July 13, 2010
Stay out of the drama between your mom and sister. It might not always be easy, but it can be done. If she tries to complain to you, don't encourage the conversation. Comments like "Huh, I never noticed that about her" and "wow, I'm sorry you're having issues with her" can go a long way towards shutting down a brewing bitchfest and might discourage your sister from bringing these issues to you in the future. And don't complain to her about mom, either. If she listens to you vent, she'll expect you to do the same for her.
As far as your sister being a nosy blabbermouth, the obvious solution is not to tell her anything you don't want anyone else to know. The trick is to convince her there is nothing to tell. Telling her you don't want to talk about "any of this" with her implies that there is something juicy you're keeping from her and also pretty much blatantly states that you don't trust her, which she is of course insulted by which is pretty much guaranteed to cause a fight. Talk to her about things that are no big deal and keep the rest to yourself, including the fact that there are things you are not telling her.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:09 AM on July 13, 2010
As far as your sister being a nosy blabbermouth, the obvious solution is not to tell her anything you don't want anyone else to know. The trick is to convince her there is nothing to tell. Telling her you don't want to talk about "any of this" with her implies that there is something juicy you're keeping from her and also pretty much blatantly states that you don't trust her, which she is of course insulted by which is pretty much guaranteed to cause a fight. Talk to her about things that are no big deal and keep the rest to yourself, including the fact that there are things you are not telling her.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:09 AM on July 13, 2010
It sounds like there are some triangles occurring at home. A triangle presents itself when two people have tension and one of them brings in a third to relieve some of the tension. Example: Your sister and mom get into a fight about babysitting and your sister runs to you to complain about mom. When you engage your sister and talk with her about mom, (even in an effort to reduce tension) you have become part of the problem. This is because you are helping your sister avoid the necessary confrontation she should be having with mom. You are helping her learn that it's OK to "resolve" issues through another person when in fact, she has to go back to mom and work it out.
FWIW- this happens all the time in 99% of families. It's our natural way of coping with anxiety. Unfortunatly, most of the time it doesn't work and the third party ends up getting sucked into other people's issues.
Without knowing any details of what life is really like for you, I blindly suggest you practice keeping your distance between your mom and sister's arguments. When either of them come to you, I would say things like, "You're good at handling these situations, I know you'll come up with something." Basically, empower her to process and respond to her own problems. Otherwise, you'll always be in the middle- for the rest of your life.
Hope this helps,
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 3:36 AM on July 13, 2010
FWIW- this happens all the time in 99% of families. It's our natural way of coping with anxiety. Unfortunatly, most of the time it doesn't work and the third party ends up getting sucked into other people's issues.
Without knowing any details of what life is really like for you, I blindly suggest you practice keeping your distance between your mom and sister's arguments. When either of them come to you, I would say things like, "You're good at handling these situations, I know you'll come up with something." Basically, empower her to process and respond to her own problems. Otherwise, you'll always be in the middle- for the rest of your life.
Hope this helps,
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 3:36 AM on July 13, 2010
If you don't have one, get a summer job, volunteer, or otherwise find an excuse to get out of the house. And never, ever, ever come back for more than a few hours visit. That is what worked for me.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 6:33 AM on July 13, 2010
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 6:33 AM on July 13, 2010
Deborah Tannen has a book about mothers and daughters and how they converse. It's called, You're Going to Wear That?
Because she's a sociolonguist, she is looking at patterns and she related some very comforting stuff. Too much of it os applicable to your situation for me to summarize. It will help you see where some of this triangulation with your mom and sister comes into play.
She has another book about communicating with adult relatives, though I can't remember what it's about, it's also helpful.
See if you can check them out of the library in the month you have left at home. But maybe don't announce that you're reading up on how to communicate better with them specifically. That usually leads to hurt feelings.
posted by bilabial at 8:57 AM on July 13, 2010
Because she's a sociolonguist, she is looking at patterns and she related some very comforting stuff. Too much of it os applicable to your situation for me to summarize. It will help you see where some of this triangulation with your mom and sister comes into play.
She has another book about communicating with adult relatives, though I can't remember what it's about, it's also helpful.
See if you can check them out of the library in the month you have left at home. But maybe don't announce that you're reading up on how to communicate better with them specifically. That usually leads to hurt feelings.
posted by bilabial at 8:57 AM on July 13, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Tell your sister the bare minimum.
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"I haven't decided yet."
"How's your love life going?"
"It always could be better."
posted by inturnaround at 8:31 PM on July 12, 2010