Family Font Feud. What to do?
July 2, 2010 2:27 PM Subscribe
Upon my homecoming, I find my family in a nasty feud. What to do?
Sorry, this is long-winded.
I live in a different country than my parents and I arrived for a one month visit. Upon my arrival I learned that my Dad is involved in a dispute with my brother-in-law that was initiated by my brother.
The whole thing is silly and somewhat embarrassing. My BIL is the administrator of the building where both my parents and my sister (the same married to the BIL in question) live. My brother and his fam (wife, 2 kids) are spending a few months with my parents, since it’s his sabatycal and he’s doing a few projects in the city.
It all started when my BIL decided, without consultation in the condo, to change the signage that displays the name of the building. He had received one complaint that it was too small. My brother, who’s a font geek, was furious, because this particular font is very traditional in the city, a classic. So, when he saw the workers changing the letters, he asked them what they were going to do with the old ones, and they said, “Just bring them back to the shop.” He decided to keep them, fearing they’d be destroyed.
When my BIL heard this, he called my Dad up and asked him to return the letters. My Dad refused (I’m not sure in which terms, but it seems that there was some insulting in the exchange. More on that later). He said it was theft. He threatened to call the cops. Later, my brother interfeered to say my BIL shouldn’t talk to my Dad, since he (my brother) was the one who took the letters.
The situation just escalated from there. Now both have lawyers and are threatening lawsuits. My BIL send a fine to my Dad in the name of the condo. My brother finally returned the letters, but it seems way too late.
Today is the 50th Anniversary of my parents and naturally my BIL won’t be there, and won’t be missed. My sister is doing her best to ignore to whole thing.
Some context: my BIL was never very liked by my fam, who thinks he’s not smart / good / kind / successful enough for my sister. I tend to agree, but I just shut up, while my Dad spent the last 25 years mocking and sometimes humiliating him, all in a very subtle and passive aggressive way. My BIL never fit in the family and my sister always made clear that the fam came first. It a pretty good guess that he feels emasculated.
I had a little conversation with my brother last night. I was just trying to show that this whole thing is stupid and they could very well sit and talk my BIL out of giving that fine. I tried to reason that maybe whatever Dad is doing is not very smart, wise, or kind. The way I see it, this person is going to be married to my sister forever and he’s going to be the administrator of the building for a while, so anything done in the line of cutting relations cannot possibly be positive. Then my brother, to my surprise, mentioned “honour,” which is a concept that, honestly, seems stuck in the 19th century to me, and it was basically used to justify macho violence, and from the mouth of my brother it sounded weird. After that, it was downhill, and he started mentioning everything annoying, reprehensible or dumb thing that my BIL did for the last 25 years (so he’s obviously on trial for his life). He also said that the only possible solution would come from my sister “divorcing him.” (I pointed out that it was entirely for her to take that decision.) Also, he suggested that by even questioning my Dad’s attitude, I was showing lack of loyalty. I felt sad, ‘cause my Mom tried to include me in the imbroglio, and when I refused for the moment (but nor permanently, I just had a deadline!), she seemed to suggest I was betraying them too.
I wanna help, but they don’t want help. They want more voices to scream against my BIL. I know my BIL went out of line, but my Dad’s reaction wasn’t exactly noble either. What should I do? I feel horrible that my fam is acting dumb, suffering, setting up for years of sillyness and grief, and accusing me of disloyalty on top of that.
Some facts:
Dad: 75 years-old
Sis: 50
Bro: 48
Me: 40
BIL: 60
We are in a metropolis in South America.
Thoughts, tips, suggestions, anything!
Throw away email: fontfeud@gmail.com
Sorry, this is long-winded.
I live in a different country than my parents and I arrived for a one month visit. Upon my arrival I learned that my Dad is involved in a dispute with my brother-in-law that was initiated by my brother.
The whole thing is silly and somewhat embarrassing. My BIL is the administrator of the building where both my parents and my sister (the same married to the BIL in question) live. My brother and his fam (wife, 2 kids) are spending a few months with my parents, since it’s his sabatycal and he’s doing a few projects in the city.
It all started when my BIL decided, without consultation in the condo, to change the signage that displays the name of the building. He had received one complaint that it was too small. My brother, who’s a font geek, was furious, because this particular font is very traditional in the city, a classic. So, when he saw the workers changing the letters, he asked them what they were going to do with the old ones, and they said, “Just bring them back to the shop.” He decided to keep them, fearing they’d be destroyed.
When my BIL heard this, he called my Dad up and asked him to return the letters. My Dad refused (I’m not sure in which terms, but it seems that there was some insulting in the exchange. More on that later). He said it was theft. He threatened to call the cops. Later, my brother interfeered to say my BIL shouldn’t talk to my Dad, since he (my brother) was the one who took the letters.
The situation just escalated from there. Now both have lawyers and are threatening lawsuits. My BIL send a fine to my Dad in the name of the condo. My brother finally returned the letters, but it seems way too late.
Today is the 50th Anniversary of my parents and naturally my BIL won’t be there, and won’t be missed. My sister is doing her best to ignore to whole thing.
Some context: my BIL was never very liked by my fam, who thinks he’s not smart / good / kind / successful enough for my sister. I tend to agree, but I just shut up, while my Dad spent the last 25 years mocking and sometimes humiliating him, all in a very subtle and passive aggressive way. My BIL never fit in the family and my sister always made clear that the fam came first. It a pretty good guess that he feels emasculated.
I had a little conversation with my brother last night. I was just trying to show that this whole thing is stupid and they could very well sit and talk my BIL out of giving that fine. I tried to reason that maybe whatever Dad is doing is not very smart, wise, or kind. The way I see it, this person is going to be married to my sister forever and he’s going to be the administrator of the building for a while, so anything done in the line of cutting relations cannot possibly be positive. Then my brother, to my surprise, mentioned “honour,” which is a concept that, honestly, seems stuck in the 19th century to me, and it was basically used to justify macho violence, and from the mouth of my brother it sounded weird. After that, it was downhill, and he started mentioning everything annoying, reprehensible or dumb thing that my BIL did for the last 25 years (so he’s obviously on trial for his life). He also said that the only possible solution would come from my sister “divorcing him.” (I pointed out that it was entirely for her to take that decision.) Also, he suggested that by even questioning my Dad’s attitude, I was showing lack of loyalty. I felt sad, ‘cause my Mom tried to include me in the imbroglio, and when I refused for the moment (but nor permanently, I just had a deadline!), she seemed to suggest I was betraying them too.
I wanna help, but they don’t want help. They want more voices to scream against my BIL. I know my BIL went out of line, but my Dad’s reaction wasn’t exactly noble either. What should I do? I feel horrible that my fam is acting dumb, suffering, setting up for years of sillyness and grief, and accusing me of disloyalty on top of that.
Some facts:
Dad: 75 years-old
Sis: 50
Bro: 48
Me: 40
BIL: 60
We are in a metropolis in South America.
Thoughts, tips, suggestions, anything!
Throw away email: fontfeud@gmail.com
Unless you have supreme negotiating skills and feel you could talk to each party in turn to make them see both the error of their ways and the fact that a less serious outcome would be beneficial for all, then I think your best bet would be to take the high road: support your family, let them know you want the best for them, but that you can see your BIL's point of view as well. Perhaps a calming voice will help them to treat this as less of a battle of wills and more as a disagreement?
posted by twirlypen at 2:48 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by twirlypen at 2:48 PM on July 2, 2010
Stay the F out of it.
posted by rhizome at 3:05 PM on July 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 3:05 PM on July 2, 2010 [8 favorites]
support your sister in what must be a horrible time for her. don't take sides, don't get involved, just let her know that you have empathy for her situation.
i'd personally be squicked out at the amount of ownership your father and brother are trying to exert in your sister's marriage.
posted by nadawi at 3:10 PM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
i'd personally be squicked out at the amount of ownership your father and brother are trying to exert in your sister's marriage.
posted by nadawi at 3:10 PM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Actually, I'll elaborate slightly:
Then my brother, to my surprise, mentioned “honour,” which is a concept that, honestly, seems stuck in the 19th century to me, and it was basically used to justify macho violence, and from the mouth of my brother it sounded weird. After that, it was downhill, and he started mentioning everything annoying, reprehensible or dumb thing that my BIL did for the last 25 years (so he’s obviously on trial for his life). He also said that the only possible solution would come from my sister “divorcing him.”
Your brother and dad do not (and it sounds like they never will) like your BIL and are using this as a wedge on the rest of the family, which is not fair. They're making their distaste for him everybody's problem if they're going to accuse people of "disloyalty" for not adopting their attitude toward this. They all need a spanking, which I would first point at your Dad not only for being a litigious baby but for inserting himself in the letters-kerfuffle where he had no business. Your brother and Dad have probably been waiting for a moment like this for all 25 years, piling all of their pent-up resentments into one retarded shitstorm.
posted by rhizome at 3:12 PM on July 2, 2010
Then my brother, to my surprise, mentioned “honour,” which is a concept that, honestly, seems stuck in the 19th century to me, and it was basically used to justify macho violence, and from the mouth of my brother it sounded weird. After that, it was downhill, and he started mentioning everything annoying, reprehensible or dumb thing that my BIL did for the last 25 years (so he’s obviously on trial for his life). He also said that the only possible solution would come from my sister “divorcing him.”
Your brother and dad do not (and it sounds like they never will) like your BIL and are using this as a wedge on the rest of the family, which is not fair. They're making their distaste for him everybody's problem if they're going to accuse people of "disloyalty" for not adopting their attitude toward this. They all need a spanking, which I would first point at your Dad not only for being a litigious baby but for inserting himself in the letters-kerfuffle where he had no business. Your brother and Dad have probably been waiting for a moment like this for all 25 years, piling all of their pent-up resentments into one retarded shitstorm.
posted by rhizome at 3:12 PM on July 2, 2010
They're fighting over a font? I've never seen divorce papers that cite Comic Sans as an irreconcilable difference.
Smile, nod, count the minutes until you're back on the plane. Hope your next trip home is better.
posted by Leon at 3:13 PM on July 2, 2010
Smile, nod, count the minutes until you're back on the plane. Hope your next trip home is better.
posted by Leon at 3:13 PM on July 2, 2010
Stay the F out of it.
Many extreme episodes in life can be viewed as types of TV programs or movies (ie: thrillers, cop shows, wilderness adventures, disasters, dramas, soap operas etc), all of which are best avoided if at all possible.
What you've got here, of course, is a situation comedy.
posted by philip-random at 3:15 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Many extreme episodes in life can be viewed as types of TV programs or movies (ie: thrillers, cop shows, wilderness adventures, disasters, dramas, soap operas etc), all of which are best avoided if at all possible.
What you've got here, of course, is a situation comedy.
posted by philip-random at 3:15 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
It all started when my BIL decided, without consultation in the condo, to change the signage that displays the name of the building. He had received one complaint that it was too small. My brother, who’s a font geek, was furious, because this particular font is very traditional in the city, a classic. So, when he saw the workers changing the letters, he asked them what they were going to do with the old ones, and they said, “Just bring them back to the shop.” He decided to keep them, fearing they’d be destroyed.
When my BIL heard this, he called my Dad up and asked him to return the letters.
This is not an embarrassing story -- it is an awesome story. Also hilarious.
I wanna help, but they don’t want help.
Aaaaaand that's why you're not going to get involved, and every time someone brings it up, you'll dismiss it as the "stupid font thing" -- without assigning blame -- and change the subject. Honestly, this has nothing whatsoever to do with the letters. It is all about power between these three, stupid macho posturing, and there's nothing whatsoever you can do constructively about it (and any conversations you try to have with them about it will get bogged down in all the bullshit rationalizations they'll use to convince themselves they're not doing stupid macho posturing.)
posted by davejay at 3:27 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
When my BIL heard this, he called my Dad up and asked him to return the letters.
This is not an embarrassing story -- it is an awesome story. Also hilarious.
I wanna help, but they don’t want help.
Aaaaaand that's why you're not going to get involved, and every time someone brings it up, you'll dismiss it as the "stupid font thing" -- without assigning blame -- and change the subject. Honestly, this has nothing whatsoever to do with the letters. It is all about power between these three, stupid macho posturing, and there's nothing whatsoever you can do constructively about it (and any conversations you try to have with them about it will get bogged down in all the bullshit rationalizations they'll use to convince themselves they're not doing stupid macho posturing.)
posted by davejay at 3:27 PM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have to agree with all of the calls to stay out of it. I think you know this too - you said yourself they don't want help, they just want you to participate in their attempt to get BIL out of the family. If it were my family I would probably just say "Why don't you just move out of the building?" although it's probably a bad idea to say anything at all. I'm not sure what could really stop this out of control freight train. Maybe if your sister got everyone together and said something like "Can you both please stop with the feuding and put this behind us? Mom, Dad, and brother, if you love me you must accept my husband. Husband, if you love me you must accept my family. Now cut it out." I don't know if that would fly or not.
posted by amethysts at 3:30 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by amethysts at 3:30 PM on July 2, 2010
Interesting how they're talking about "honour" but are dishonoring the oldest commitment in the world, marriage.
posted by mdiskin at 3:54 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mdiskin at 3:54 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sure you know that of all the reasons behind this mess, the actual building sign has nothing to do with it. Any disagreement at all that touched on these 3 men was bound to be the excuse for a balls-to-the-wall feud between them. Because they are not being reasonable, I really see no way for you to win here. You could join forces with your family and team up with them against your BIL, but I'll bet you know that would be the wrong thing to do.
Because they are being unreasonable, they are suddenly invoking family honor and loyalty in order to guilt you into legitimizing their actions. The way I see it, whatever you do that falls short of 100% agreement with their cause will be used against you - even staying out of it. That being the case, in your shoes I would in fact choose to stay out of it. Family loyalty thrown in your face? Tell them you love them and always will, but are not always going to agree with them. In fact, if it were me, I'd be pretty blunt about it, but I can understand if you don't want to. (In fact, I would tell them this verbatim: I feel horrible that my fam is acting dumb, suffering, setting up for years of sillyness and grief, and accusing me of disloyalty on top of that.
I feel bad for your sister, have you reached out to her at all? She might be the right person to approach these 3 men and tell them honestly how this is hurting her. And hopefully, her words will have an impact.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 4:14 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because they are being unreasonable, they are suddenly invoking family honor and loyalty in order to guilt you into legitimizing their actions. The way I see it, whatever you do that falls short of 100% agreement with their cause will be used against you - even staying out of it. That being the case, in your shoes I would in fact choose to stay out of it. Family loyalty thrown in your face? Tell them you love them and always will, but are not always going to agree with them. In fact, if it were me, I'd be pretty blunt about it, but I can understand if you don't want to. (In fact, I would tell them this verbatim: I feel horrible that my fam is acting dumb, suffering, setting up for years of sillyness and grief, and accusing me of disloyalty on top of that.
I feel bad for your sister, have you reached out to her at all? She might be the right person to approach these 3 men and tell them honestly how this is hurting her. And hopefully, her words will have an impact.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 4:14 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
You can't fix this. This is just nuts. Your dad and brother picked a fight over fonts?? The only one who can fix this is your sister, but that would require her standing up for her husband and marriage, something she is apparently unwilling or unable to do. If you want to talk to anyone talk to her about how her husband needs to come first.
posted by 6550 at 4:15 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by 6550 at 4:15 PM on July 2, 2010
Keep out of it, let your sister know she has your sympathy. If anyone asks, davejay's suggestion to dismiss it as "that stupid font thing" is sufficient to underline why you're not getting involved. Go home, submit as idea for a sitcom episode.
posted by arcticseal at 4:19 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by arcticseal at 4:19 PM on July 2, 2010
Mention that you must have inherited your dick from Mom's side of the family, because it's obvious Dad and Bro are needle-dicks. BIL, too.
When *that* shit storm dies down, tell them all to grow up, because they're currently acting like second graders. Sis, too, for not standing up for her husband.
Honor, my ass. They're dishonoring your sister by second-guessing her 25 year marriage. What a bunch of gallos pequeños.
posted by notsnot at 6:39 PM on July 2, 2010
When *that* shit storm dies down, tell them all to grow up, because they're currently acting like second graders. Sis, too, for not standing up for her husband.
Honor, my ass. They're dishonoring your sister by second-guessing her 25 year marriage. What a bunch of gallos pequeños.
posted by notsnot at 6:39 PM on July 2, 2010
I think you have two choices. One, as said above, stay the fuck out of it. Or two, mediate the situation. You could call a meeting of Father, brother, and BIL. Get them all in a room without any lawyers, friends, other relatives. Tell them all to shut up while you talk. Tell them that you are rarely in town, are here now for a limited time and really need this to work out. This is not about taking sides. Sure you could pick a side out of loyalty or family relations or even who is right or wrong, but that will do no good. Tell them that you see no way to resolve this other than them all agreeing to disagree. Tell them that you know you will never get them to like each other, to work with each other or even to respect each other. But they do have to live with each other if only for your sister, whatever kids they may have and for middle people like you.
Then suggest that since the letters are back and the sign is what it is, they stop this feud. Tell them that they simply need to be cordial while ignoring each other. They need to agree to stop any public feuding or any public bad mouthing of each other. Tell them if they don't they all risk not seeing you again because you won't put up with this twisted logic, this misguided notion of honour and with this shit in general. Tell them that they are both hurting your sister, someone they all profess to love. She will eventually crack and side with one or the other and that will also not end well.
The only choice they have is to agree to stop the feud, to stop talking to each other or about each other and to get a friggin life. Then walk out of the room.
Good luck.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:43 PM on July 2, 2010
Then suggest that since the letters are back and the sign is what it is, they stop this feud. Tell them that they simply need to be cordial while ignoring each other. They need to agree to stop any public feuding or any public bad mouthing of each other. Tell them if they don't they all risk not seeing you again because you won't put up with this twisted logic, this misguided notion of honour and with this shit in general. Tell them that they are both hurting your sister, someone they all profess to love. She will eventually crack and side with one or the other and that will also not end well.
The only choice they have is to agree to stop the feud, to stop talking to each other or about each other and to get a friggin life. Then walk out of the room.
Good luck.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:43 PM on July 2, 2010
I kind of feel that your sister is the one with the most leverage to do anything in this situation. She married the BIL but has made it clear that the family comes first? How can she possibly stay neutral in this situation? Her years of inaction have exacerbated the situation, and I don't mean by picking one side over the other.
With some support from you, and a bit of common sense, she may feel strong enough to tell both parties to calm the hell down. I don't think she's in a position to ignore what's going on. That is not the same thing as saying she has to pick a side. She can definitely take the position that everyone's gone crazy. Over a font, people.
You should not get involved in this insane situation other than to support your sister. But I don't think her inaction over the years has helped things much. Unlike you, she is right in the middle of it.
posted by scuza at 3:33 AM on July 3, 2010
With some support from you, and a bit of common sense, she may feel strong enough to tell both parties to calm the hell down. I don't think she's in a position to ignore what's going on. That is not the same thing as saying she has to pick a side. She can definitely take the position that everyone's gone crazy. Over a font, people.
You should not get involved in this insane situation other than to support your sister. But I don't think her inaction over the years has helped things much. Unlike you, she is right in the middle of it.
posted by scuza at 3:33 AM on July 3, 2010
my Dad spent the last 25 years mocking and sometimes humiliating him, all in a very subtle and passive aggressive way. My BIL never fit in the family and my sister always made clear that the fam came first.
To be honest, your family sounds awful and your BIL earns my sympathy just for being treated as he has been from the moment he hooked up with your sister. I also don't get how it is anyone's business except the owner's and the building administrator's what font goes over the door! Obviously your BIL wasn't wise to escalate but perhaps this is the hill he chose to die on.
And perhaps it is time for your sister to show a little more support for her husband. Either way, this is not your fight. Your concern should be your own boundaries: Your family is trying to bully you and you'll have to show them where it stops. And you'll have to learn to endure being called disloyal by a bunch of pricks, family or not.
I'm really sorry that you got into this horrible situation. Can't you move out for that month so you don't have to live with that mess?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:20 AM on July 3, 2010
To be honest, your family sounds awful and your BIL earns my sympathy just for being treated as he has been from the moment he hooked up with your sister. I also don't get how it is anyone's business except the owner's and the building administrator's what font goes over the door! Obviously your BIL wasn't wise to escalate but perhaps this is the hill he chose to die on.
And perhaps it is time for your sister to show a little more support for her husband. Either way, this is not your fight. Your concern should be your own boundaries: Your family is trying to bully you and you'll have to show them where it stops. And you'll have to learn to endure being called disloyal by a bunch of pricks, family or not.
I'm really sorry that you got into this horrible situation. Can't you move out for that month so you don't have to live with that mess?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:20 AM on July 3, 2010
I think this is something that your brother, dad, BIL and your sister need to figure out. BIL never fit in the family, and even your sister says that her family comes first. I could see a divorce happening based on that, but that's up to your sister and BIL.
Ultimately, you will not be able to "make" your brother, dad, BIL see your point of view (which I agree with). You can certainly state what it is, but be prepared there may be consequences for not blindly following your family. Who knows, maybe they'll cut you off and never talk to you again, or if they do talk to you, it will be in a very passive-aggressive way. So you have to decide what you want to do: stand up for what you believe in (i.e. you are allowed to have your opinion and are free to state it) and risk being outcast by your family, or just go along with your family, even though you disagree with them. Or, you can just say to them that you are going to stay out of this. I'm sure there will be consequences to that too. I think that the healthiest thing for you is to stand up for what you believe in, and maintain boundaries, because this is a really unhealthy situation. By going along with it, you are indirectly consenting to their behaviour and actions. By not following your family, you're giving them another option to think about, that will always be available to them even if they've excommunicated you. They may disagree with it now, but maybe in the future they may think you were right and come around. Or they may not. But if you go along with them, this option will not be open to them.
Another option that I can think of is to find a family mediator. I'm sure this will be a challenge. Both sides of this dispute want to be heard, feel unheard, and don't know what the other party is going through and why they're doing what they are. I doubt you'd be able to find a mediator, get them to agree to mediation and have everything resolved while you're there, but hey, miracles can happen. But maybe you can start looking into it (either in South America) or where you're currently living, and maybe get some insight into helping you understand this and what you can/can't do.
Also, I find this stuff about honour interesting. I googled "family honour violence patriarchy" or something and found this: “The conception of honour used to rationalise killings [or violent behaviour] is founded on the notion that a person’s honour depends on the behaviour of others and that behaviour, therefore, becomes a key component of one’s own self-esteem and community regard. It is important to note that this view is different from saying it should be the individual’s own behaviour which should be linked with his or her honour.”
Honour in terms of power should be understood as “the ideology of the power-holding group which struggles to define, enlarge, and protect its patrimony in a competitive area”. Apart from shoring up the identity of a group, honour defines the group’s social boundaries and defends against the claims of competing groups.
“Concern for honour arises when the definition of the group is problematic; when social boundaries are difficult to maintain, and internal loyalties are questionable”. In collective societies, definitions of the group encroachments of social boundaries and concepts such as loyalty among the kin are of central nature and are naturally linked with notions of honour." Source
The context in which honour is being discussed (i.e. honour killings in Pakistan) in this article is different than the one you're experiencing, but I think it provides some insight to your situation as well.
posted by foxjacket at 4:42 PM on July 3, 2010
Ultimately, you will not be able to "make" your brother, dad, BIL see your point of view (which I agree with). You can certainly state what it is, but be prepared there may be consequences for not blindly following your family. Who knows, maybe they'll cut you off and never talk to you again, or if they do talk to you, it will be in a very passive-aggressive way. So you have to decide what you want to do: stand up for what you believe in (i.e. you are allowed to have your opinion and are free to state it) and risk being outcast by your family, or just go along with your family, even though you disagree with them. Or, you can just say to them that you are going to stay out of this. I'm sure there will be consequences to that too. I think that the healthiest thing for you is to stand up for what you believe in, and maintain boundaries, because this is a really unhealthy situation. By going along with it, you are indirectly consenting to their behaviour and actions. By not following your family, you're giving them another option to think about, that will always be available to them even if they've excommunicated you. They may disagree with it now, but maybe in the future they may think you were right and come around. Or they may not. But if you go along with them, this option will not be open to them.
Another option that I can think of is to find a family mediator. I'm sure this will be a challenge. Both sides of this dispute want to be heard, feel unheard, and don't know what the other party is going through and why they're doing what they are. I doubt you'd be able to find a mediator, get them to agree to mediation and have everything resolved while you're there, but hey, miracles can happen. But maybe you can start looking into it (either in South America) or where you're currently living, and maybe get some insight into helping you understand this and what you can/can't do.
Also, I find this stuff about honour interesting. I googled "family honour violence patriarchy" or something and found this: “The conception of honour used to rationalise killings [or violent behaviour] is founded on the notion that a person’s honour depends on the behaviour of others and that behaviour, therefore, becomes a key component of one’s own self-esteem and community regard. It is important to note that this view is different from saying it should be the individual’s own behaviour which should be linked with his or her honour.”
Honour in terms of power should be understood as “the ideology of the power-holding group which struggles to define, enlarge, and protect its patrimony in a competitive area”. Apart from shoring up the identity of a group, honour defines the group’s social boundaries and defends against the claims of competing groups.
“Concern for honour arises when the definition of the group is problematic; when social boundaries are difficult to maintain, and internal loyalties are questionable”. In collective societies, definitions of the group encroachments of social boundaries and concepts such as loyalty among the kin are of central nature and are naturally linked with notions of honour." Source
The context in which honour is being discussed (i.e. honour killings in Pakistan) in this article is different than the one you're experiencing, but I think it provides some insight to your situation as well.
posted by foxjacket at 4:42 PM on July 3, 2010
I don't think it's possible to mediate this situation because as people have said, this isn't about the letters, it's bullshit troglodyte posing because your father wants to keep 'owning' his daughter, and her husband is a thread to dad's ownership/biggest penis. They won't stop this feud because it is not about something rational, and there is nothing you can do but stay the hell out of this.
Your BIL isn't out of line. He is managing the building. That's simply business. Did your family think they would get special treatment because the building manager was an ostracized 'family' member? Family is family, and business is business. Your dad doesn't own the sign, he stole it, and now he's angry he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Hopefully, BIL will get a divorce and remarry a wife who will back him up and take his side, and who has a family that can accept non-family members. Love your family, and help them when you can, but set up some boundaries before the caveman shitstorm show shows up on your stoop.
posted by fuq at 10:43 AM on July 4, 2010
Your BIL isn't out of line. He is managing the building. That's simply business. Did your family think they would get special treatment because the building manager was an ostracized 'family' member? Family is family, and business is business. Your dad doesn't own the sign, he stole it, and now he's angry he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Hopefully, BIL will get a divorce and remarry a wife who will back him up and take his side, and who has a family that can accept non-family members. Love your family, and help them when you can, but set up some boundaries before the caveman shitstorm show shows up on your stoop.
posted by fuq at 10:43 AM on July 4, 2010
Pay for another sign to be put up out front:
"FAWLTY TOWERS: WHERE FAMILY COMES FIRST"
in the largest Brass Comic Sans lettering you can afford.
posted by benzenedream at 6:24 PM on July 11, 2010
"FAWLTY TOWERS: WHERE FAMILY COMES FIRST"
in the largest Brass Comic Sans lettering you can afford.
posted by benzenedream at 6:24 PM on July 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Continue to refuse to get involved. If it makes you feel any better, you're absolutely right--the context you've provided shows that your family was just waiting for an excuse to blow up about the guy. And they've apparently found a really small hill to die on (font face for a building? really?). Let them. If they ask you what you think of him, refuse to comment. Wash, rinse, repeat. There's no need to alienate your sister and her husband because your dad and brother are being big babies.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:34 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]