Is this creepy?
June 11, 2010 1:51 PM Subscribe
I found out my 40 year old boyfriend was looking at porn of girls that look underage, should I be creeped out by this? These sites are definitely legal and there aren't actual underage girls on them, but they certainly look it. I'm looking for a guy's perspective on this.
I don't have a problem with porn, I know he looks at it and it's never bothered me in the past. But this somehow bothers me and it's eating me up inside. He's almost 40 and he's looking and jerking off to girls that look like they're 15/16. I'm 30 if it matters. Am I out of line with this? And if so, how can I feel better about it? Our sex life is fine and he doesn't actually look at a whole lot of porn, so there's no porn addictions going on. I know a lot women would have a problem with this, that's why I'm just mostly looking for an honest guy's perspective.
I don't have a problem with porn, I know he looks at it and it's never bothered me in the past. But this somehow bothers me and it's eating me up inside. He's almost 40 and he's looking and jerking off to girls that look like they're 15/16. I'm 30 if it matters. Am I out of line with this? And if so, how can I feel better about it? Our sex life is fine and he doesn't actually look at a whole lot of porn, so there's no porn addictions going on. I know a lot women would have a problem with this, that's why I'm just mostly looking for an honest guy's perspective.
Best answer: Men are biologically attracted to girls of that age. Not all that long ago, girls that age would be of age to be married.
While we have created laws to protect the exploitation of girls of that age, our evolutionary insticts do not know that.
While it may not be comfortable for you, keep in mind that it's far from him being a pedophile. If you had said 12/13 year old girls, it would be a different situation.
JMHO.
posted by eas98 at 1:55 PM on June 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
While we have created laws to protect the exploitation of girls of that age, our evolutionary insticts do not know that.
While it may not be comfortable for you, keep in mind that it's far from him being a pedophile. If you had said 12/13 year old girls, it would be a different situation.
JMHO.
posted by eas98 at 1:55 PM on June 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
So it was young-ish looking porn and not like those 'model' sites, right? Cause one is creepy and one is really damn creepy.
In other words there are varying levels of creepiness and I think you've got the right vibe for whatever it is you found.
posted by unixrat at 1:56 PM on June 11, 2010
In other words there are varying levels of creepiness and I think you've got the right vibe for whatever it is you found.
posted by unixrat at 1:56 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: Unixrat, what does model sites mean?
posted by LOLcat at 1:58 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 1:58 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: It was definitely just pictures, no videos. Super high res, well shot photos, probably even air brushed too.
posted by LOLcat at 1:58 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 1:58 PM on June 11, 2010
I think you can reserve the right to be creeped out by anything you want. All of us have some instincts but as evolved human beings we also have free agency and power in our choices. I would be creeped out by any sex partner of mine who had those kinds of interests. But, I really prefer that my partner keep his special porn habits to himself. It just works out better that way.
Also, if it bothers you, discuss it with him. It might be an interesting discussion and he might be like a lot of guys, never bothering to think about what his partner thinks.
posted by amanda at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Also, if it bothers you, discuss it with him. It might be an interesting discussion and he might be like a lot of guys, never bothering to think about what his partner thinks.
posted by amanda at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I know a lot women would have a problem with this...
I'm a woman and I do not have a problem with this. Everyone is clear everyone involved is legal; there is nothing murky about this. Pretending any of these women is under 18 requires suspension of reality, which puts this firmly into the realm of fantasy.
And as far as I'm concerned, people's private fantasies can be as dark and tawdry as they like. But this is neither dark nor tawdry; it's pretty standard, as evidenced by the VAST market for and wide availability of "barely legal" porn.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
I'm a woman and I do not have a problem with this. Everyone is clear everyone involved is legal; there is nothing murky about this. Pretending any of these women is under 18 requires suspension of reality, which puts this firmly into the realm of fantasy.
And as far as I'm concerned, people's private fantasies can be as dark and tawdry as they like. But this is neither dark nor tawdry; it's pretty standard, as evidenced by the VAST market for and wide availability of "barely legal" porn.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
It's not clear from the way you stated this, was it a one time thing? If it's the only porn he ever looks at that's maybe something you need to talk to him about. Maybe it's a fetish, maybe he'd be interested in a conversation where you talked about your willingness or not to indulge it. If he just looks now and again, I don't think I'd even worry about it. Probably just looking for something a little different.
posted by IanMorr at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by IanMorr at 2:01 PM on June 11, 2010
Well, it's totally not my thing, but the whole "barely legal" thing seems to be a pretty strongly sought-after kink in terms of porn-watching. Since he's not looking at actual underage porn, he's not addicted, and you have a good sex life, I'd say try and let him be. He'd probably be horrified to know that you found out (somehow). I don't know how to make you feel better about it, other than to simply remind yourself that in all other respects (sexually), you seem to be doing better than a lot of other people.
posted by Skot at 2:02 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by Skot at 2:02 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: He definitely looks at other stuff, and the things he was looking at was a few weeks ago and he hasn't looked at that other kind of thing since. I don't know how often he looks at that kind, but I'm going to ask him later. We actually did discuss it last night, a little more emotionally than I would have liked, but I got all my feelings out. He said that he doesn't like look at "worn-out" looking girls or old looking girls but I feel like that's bullshit because most mainstream porn is 95% young looking, early 20s looking girls. Which I don't have a problem with. It's the underage looking ones that creep me out. He threw in the excuse of "mid-life crisis" at some point to.
posted by LOLcat at 2:05 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 2:05 PM on June 11, 2010
Most men find young women (emphasis on "women") attractive. Most of us will not admit it publicly because women find it very distasteful.
If he's looking at photos of sexually-developed women, there is nothing remotely abnormal about it. But it also normal for you to feel uneasy about it-- you probably don't share male standards of attractiveness and you (and I) are constantly aging and getting less attractive while the models stay the same age.
There is nothing wrong with your husband for having this interest, there is nothing wrong with you for disliking it. But if you "don't have a problem with porn" you would be wrong to admonish him. This is largely about your (normal) insecurities as much as you may not like to think about it that way.
posted by Willy Wombat at 2:07 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If he's looking at photos of sexually-developed women, there is nothing remotely abnormal about it. But it also normal for you to feel uneasy about it-- you probably don't share male standards of attractiveness and you (and I) are constantly aging and getting less attractive while the models stay the same age.
There is nothing wrong with your husband for having this interest, there is nothing wrong with you for disliking it. But if you "don't have a problem with porn" you would be wrong to admonish him. This is largely about your (normal) insecurities as much as you may not like to think about it that way.
posted by Willy Wombat at 2:07 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
While it's not personally my thing, I can attest that the "barely legal" phenomenon appears fairly widespread, and, while not the most wholesome taste in the universe from my perspective, is LIGHT YEARS less creepy than actual pedophilia.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 2:08 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by StrikeTheViol at 2:08 PM on June 11, 2010
LOLcat: Here's more info about those "child modelling" sites. In a word: CREEPY.
posted by foxjacket at 2:10 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by foxjacket at 2:10 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: Foxjacket, it definitely wasn't a child model site, no. It was really young looking girls of legal age completely nude.
posted by LOLcat at 2:12 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 2:12 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: I would dump him and move out if I found that kind of stuff.
posted by LOLcat at 2:13 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 2:13 PM on June 11, 2010
Hermitosis, that isn't helpful at all and you actually didn't answer my question.
Actually I think I offered you a way you can feel better about it. Surely you have entertained erotic flights of fantasy that you'd feel silly or dirty trying to explain to someone else? Our fantasies are our own; some people want to explore them IRL and others just want to explore them safely in their own heads. If your husband seems like he falls in the latter category, then why exactly does this bother you? If you don't know the answer to that, then you may not actually be that bothered -- the surprise of it may have you feeling entitled to hurt feelings that don't actually exist.
he's looking and jerking off to girls that look like they're 15/16. I'm 30 if it matters.
Maybe this does matter. Did seeing these images make you feel self-conscious about your own age and appearance, or question his attraction to you?
Try to think of it this way -- his first sexual feelings for women probably occurred when he was in his early teens. Was it inappropriate then for him to fantasize about 16-year-olds? Doesn't he have the right to revisit the fantasies of his youth? Maybe you don't want to be exposed to those kinds of images, and that's totally fair -- in that case he needs to hide his stash better.
posted by hermitosis at 2:18 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Actually I think I offered you a way you can feel better about it. Surely you have entertained erotic flights of fantasy that you'd feel silly or dirty trying to explain to someone else? Our fantasies are our own; some people want to explore them IRL and others just want to explore them safely in their own heads. If your husband seems like he falls in the latter category, then why exactly does this bother you? If you don't know the answer to that, then you may not actually be that bothered -- the surprise of it may have you feeling entitled to hurt feelings that don't actually exist.
he's looking and jerking off to girls that look like they're 15/16. I'm 30 if it matters.
Maybe this does matter. Did seeing these images make you feel self-conscious about your own age and appearance, or question his attraction to you?
Try to think of it this way -- his first sexual feelings for women probably occurred when he was in his early teens. Was it inappropriate then for him to fantasize about 16-year-olds? Doesn't he have the right to revisit the fantasies of his youth? Maybe you don't want to be exposed to those kinds of images, and that's totally fair -- in that case he needs to hide his stash better.
posted by hermitosis at 2:18 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He's almost 40 and he's looking and jerking off to girls that look like they're 15/16.
Consider that they look this young, with a specific, discernible age, to you. He's likely not thinking about age at all.
Look at it another way ... what's your favorite kind of music? It's probably the music you were exposed to when you were a teenager. Because of who you were at that time, that music made a bigger impression on you than music you heard in your late 20s.
What's your favorite type of a look on a guy? It's probably the same look you first developed when you were a teenager. Because of who you were at that time, that look made a bigger impression on you than looks you first experienced in your late 20s.
Hell, my wife still uses Adam Ant as her benchmark ... DUDE.
So, if you were able to see inside a guy's head, you'll likely find an idealized memory of their high school crushes. And that's what they like to fantasize about.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Consider that they look this young, with a specific, discernible age, to you. He's likely not thinking about age at all.
Look at it another way ... what's your favorite kind of music? It's probably the music you were exposed to when you were a teenager. Because of who you were at that time, that music made a bigger impression on you than music you heard in your late 20s.
What's your favorite type of a look on a guy? It's probably the same look you first developed when you were a teenager. Because of who you were at that time, that look made a bigger impression on you than looks you first experienced in your late 20s.
Hell, my wife still uses Adam Ant as her benchmark ... DUDE.
So, if you were able to see inside a guy's head, you'll likely find an idealized memory of their high school crushes. And that's what they like to fantasize about.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Mod note: few comments removed - please leave comments without being oblique if at all possible, or feel free to MeMail people your cryptic asides.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
i vote for bring it up with him. honestly, i think so long as people are willing and able to be self-critical/aware of WHY they find certain things attractive (and why that might be problematic), then that's ok. if your parter's actions are not party to the actual victimizing of any women, and your partner is aware of things like the fetishization of youth, ageism, sexism, rape culture, etc, then i think that's way less creepy than answers like "MEN JUST LIKE THIS SORT OF THING CAUSE IT'S JUST EVOLUTION, OK?" the unwillingness to actually critically examine WHY things are turn ons is what i find creepy.
posted by crawfo at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by crawfo at 2:19 PM on June 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Am I out of line with this? And if so, how can I feel better about it?
These are the questions, and everybody is answering the first as if they can somehow talk you out of it, when the answer is actually irrelevant. It doesn't matter if the creep line for everybody else in the world is set at x years old and yours is set at 16 -- it creeps you out.
The second question I'm not sure is answerable, either. If it grosses you out that he gets off to very young looking girls, that's kinda the deal. You're not to blame for this: you're not attacking or (it seems) particularly judging him for it, you just don't want it in your boyfriend.
The honest guy's perspective: I don't think he's especially perverse; there are a lot of sites that cater to this. It's not universal (it icks me out, too), but it's common. If it floats his boat, he's not likely to stop, and if you ask him to, you'll make it illicit, which will only make it more appealing.
So you weigh up your relationship against your disquiet, and if you decide you can handle it but don't want to know about it get him to cover his tracks better. If you can't handle it, talk with him again and find out how big a deal it is to him so your decision becomes clearer.
posted by bonaldi at 2:20 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
These are the questions, and everybody is answering the first as if they can somehow talk you out of it, when the answer is actually irrelevant. It doesn't matter if the creep line for everybody else in the world is set at x years old and yours is set at 16 -- it creeps you out.
The second question I'm not sure is answerable, either. If it grosses you out that he gets off to very young looking girls, that's kinda the deal. You're not to blame for this: you're not attacking or (it seems) particularly judging him for it, you just don't want it in your boyfriend.
The honest guy's perspective: I don't think he's especially perverse; there are a lot of sites that cater to this. It's not universal (it icks me out, too), but it's common. If it floats his boat, he's not likely to stop, and if you ask him to, you'll make it illicit, which will only make it more appealing.
So you weigh up your relationship against your disquiet, and if you decide you can handle it but don't want to know about it get him to cover his tracks better. If you can't handle it, talk with him again and find out how big a deal it is to him so your decision becomes clearer.
posted by bonaldi at 2:20 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you know the website, check to see if there is a 18 U.S.C. section 2257 (Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act) link on the site. Since Traci Lords filmed movies underage back in the 80's, all porn sites/companies are required to keep information on file on all of their actors/actresses including birth records to make sure this isn't an issue. Here's a link to the wikipedia article on it.
Would it be weird if you found him looking at BDSM sites? How about grannies?
posted by TheBones at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2010
Would it be weird if you found him looking at BDSM sites? How about grannies?
posted by TheBones at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2010
Not abnormal, or unusual, for men in relationships to enjoy porn of all sorts. What you're describing isn't illegal or unhealthy. In my eyes, it's so common and harmless that its not creepy either.
(And remember that interrogating him about his private porn viewing may very well produce all the symptoms of guilt, including denial, dissembly, and something about a "mid-life-crisis," even if there's really nothing more than meets the eye.)
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posted by General Tonic at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
(And remember that interrogating him about his private porn viewing may very well produce all the symptoms of guilt, including denial, dissembly, and something about a "mid-life-crisis," even if there's really nothing more than meets the eye.)
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posted by General Tonic at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Cool papa bell, thank you. That's a great perspective. That's why I wanted to come here and get opinions. I want to feel better about this and I don't want it to bother me, but I don't know what it's like to live inside a guy's head. My first reaction was very visceral but I wanted to know why I felt like that and what I can do about it. Hermitosis, yes, a part of me did question his attraction to me because I am getting up in age (not that I think I'm that old though).
posted by LOLcat at 2:23 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 2:23 PM on June 11, 2010
Well, he looked at overage girls who look underage one time that you know of. I don't want to be dismissive of your creeped out reaction, but you asked for a guys perspective. Mine is that this is no big deal. It probably wasn't to him, but now he knows you disapprove I'm sure he'll either avoid that kind of site or, now he knows you check his history and occasionally disapprove, he will be careful to delete it from now on. Maybe it would be good to have a less emotional discussion with him. Let him know what your personal boundaries are for what you find acceptable or not and whether these things are dealbreakers for you.
posted by IanMorr at 2:24 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by IanMorr at 2:24 PM on June 11, 2010
Response by poster: If you know the website, check to see if there is a 18 U.S.C. section 2257 (Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act) link on the site.
Yeah, these were totally legal websites, I checked.
Would it be weird if you found him looking at BDSM sites? How about grannies?
I wouldn't bat an eye if that's what he was looking at.
posted by LOLcat at 2:26 PM on June 11, 2010
Yeah, these were totally legal websites, I checked.
Would it be weird if you found him looking at BDSM sites? How about grannies?
I wouldn't bat an eye if that's what he was looking at.
posted by LOLcat at 2:26 PM on June 11, 2010
I'm looking for a guy's perspective on this.
Why? I don't have to date him, so it's really my concern.
As to your larger point, I'm loathe to judge someone based on a single aspect*. I know nothing about his personality, who he is, his actions or behaviors, the story of his life etc, etc. The point here is that you are dating and you are bothered by this. You need to figure out why and access whether whatever negative qualities you're assigning to this behavior are reflective of him.
* That said, the UNDERAGE aspect is one I personally find troubling (probably because I have an eighteen year old daughter) especially including his statement about not liking "worn-out" looking women. Where I you, a woman who will be aging, I'd want some fucking clarification on that, toot sweet.
Still, you don't seem trouble by any other aspect of his behavior or sexual attitudes, so it might just be this harmless fantasy he has. Talk it out with him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:26 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why? I don't have to date him, so it's really my concern.
As to your larger point, I'm loathe to judge someone based on a single aspect*. I know nothing about his personality, who he is, his actions or behaviors, the story of his life etc, etc. The point here is that you are dating and you are bothered by this. You need to figure out why and access whether whatever negative qualities you're assigning to this behavior are reflective of him.
* That said, the UNDERAGE aspect is one I personally find troubling (probably because I have an eighteen year old daughter) especially including his statement about not liking "worn-out" looking women. Where I you, a woman who will be aging, I'd want some fucking clarification on that, toot sweet.
Still, you don't seem trouble by any other aspect of his behavior or sexual attitudes, so it might just be this harmless fantasy he has. Talk it out with him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:26 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Bisexual lady perspective!
I wouldn't say I like/seek out the barely-legal sites, but I certainly prefer the "all natural look" of some those younger ladies. When I see what I you'd call is "normal-type porn", I see big boob jobs and all kinds of fake, awful stuff going on. These "barely legal" ladies probably making a killing on those sites, and are happy they can do that without getting double D breasts implants or wearing those awful stick on nails. The only other place I've found those all natural women are on soft-core sites, which doesn't necessarily do it for everyone.
I also think there's a very, very big difference between "barely legal porn" and "child porn". Those women are of a legal age (hopefully, check out that link that TheBones shared).
posted by Lizsterr at 2:35 PM on June 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
I wouldn't say I like/seek out the barely-legal sites, but I certainly prefer the "all natural look" of some those younger ladies. When I see what I you'd call is "normal-type porn", I see big boob jobs and all kinds of fake, awful stuff going on. These "barely legal" ladies probably making a killing on those sites, and are happy they can do that without getting double D breasts implants or wearing those awful stick on nails. The only other place I've found those all natural women are on soft-core sites, which doesn't necessarily do it for everyone.
I also think there's a very, very big difference between "barely legal porn" and "child porn". Those women are of a legal age (hopefully, check out that link that TheBones shared).
posted by Lizsterr at 2:35 PM on June 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
I don't think its not okay, but I wouldn't want to date someone like that because I would worry about them replacing me with a younger model when I get old and wrinkly, plus it is a bit creepy.
posted by meepmeow at 2:44 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by meepmeow at 2:44 PM on June 11, 2010
I would have to see the site(s) before passing judgement. I have a site in which I post NSFW women, and often, many of them seem very young. If I am seriously unsure, I do not post the photos, but most of the sites I go to in order to get the photos claim that their girls are 18 or over.
Usually, sites posting underage girls are different because they are meant to appeal to those who seek that sort of thing. Then, not sure what is meant by "porn," unless the photos depicts sexual acts rather than simply girls posing.
Best bet: if he is aware that you know what he is looking at, then perhaps discuss the possibility he might get stuck with a rap someday as looking at stuff that is illegal or of a very questionable nature. It crosses my mind to ask how you know he is jerking off to those photos.
posted by Postroad at 2:45 PM on June 11, 2010
Usually, sites posting underage girls are different because they are meant to appeal to those who seek that sort of thing. Then, not sure what is meant by "porn," unless the photos depicts sexual acts rather than simply girls posing.
Best bet: if he is aware that you know what he is looking at, then perhaps discuss the possibility he might get stuck with a rap someday as looking at stuff that is illegal or of a very questionable nature. It crosses my mind to ask how you know he is jerking off to those photos.
posted by Postroad at 2:45 PM on June 11, 2010
One thing I see in men I've dated over the last few centuries decades is that the porn they look at often isn't consistent in types of porn viewed over time, nor is it consistent with who they sleep with--or even, oddly, who they always want to sleep with. (And I don't "want" the things I see in porn in my life!)
But, as above, what's important is how you feel. And "creeped out" isn't great.
(Me, I'm way more concerned about men bringing up mid-life crises (blech! Whatever!) than the porn they watch.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
But, as above, what's important is how you feel. And "creeped out" isn't great.
(Me, I'm way more concerned about men bringing up mid-life crises (blech! Whatever!) than the porn they watch.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 2:53 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: (Me, I'm way more concerned about men bringing up mid-life crises (blech! Whatever!) than the porn they watch.)
To give him credit, he's a very mellow, shy guy so me confronting him with this embarrassing (to him) issue probably made him clam up and feel on the spot.
posted by LOLcat at 3:03 PM on June 11, 2010
To give him credit, he's a very mellow, shy guy so me confronting him with this embarrassing (to him) issue probably made him clam up and feel on the spot.
posted by LOLcat at 3:03 PM on June 11, 2010
I wouldn't say I like/seek out the barely-legal sites, but I certainly prefer the "all natural look" of some those younger ladies. When I see what I you'd call is "normal-type porn", I see big boob jobs and all kinds of fake, awful stuff going on. These "barely legal" ladies probably making a killing on those sites, and are happy they can do that without getting double D breasts implants or wearing those awful stick on nails. The only other place I've found those all natural women are on soft-core sites, which doesn't necessarily do it for everyone.
1000% this. There is a standard porn look- and this is not altogether appealing to people who don't have barbed wire tattoos, fake tans and frosted tips.
My "line of appropriateness" as far as girls trying to appear younger is, whether the look they are going for is a sex-appropriate age. High school seniors have plenty of sex and it's ok and normal. So if someone wants to fantasize about being that age again, go for it.
Braces, lollipops, etc., is creepy.
posted by gjc at 3:09 PM on June 11, 2010
1000% this. There is a standard porn look- and this is not altogether appealing to people who don't have barbed wire tattoos, fake tans and frosted tips.
My "line of appropriateness" as far as girls trying to appear younger is, whether the look they are going for is a sex-appropriate age. High school seniors have plenty of sex and it's ok and normal. So if someone wants to fantasize about being that age again, go for it.
Braces, lollipops, etc., is creepy.
posted by gjc at 3:09 PM on June 11, 2010
I don't think its not okay, but I wouldn't want to date someone like that because I would worry about them replacing me with a younger model when I get old and wrinkly, plus it is a bit creepy.
I understand the feeling, but porn usually isn't about that.
posted by gjc at 3:11 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I understand the feeling, but porn usually isn't about that.
posted by gjc at 3:11 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know it is normal for men to look at porn, but it is really creepy to me anyway. But 15/16 year-old girls are sexually developed and that age is often the legal age of consent. So they are young women, not children. If it were prepubescent children, I would run the other way as fast I as I could. You could tell the guy that it bothers you, I know it would be embarrassing, but not telling him could eventually end your relationship (which sounds in jeopardy now anyway).
posted by fifilaru at 3:12 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 3:12 PM on June 11, 2010
As others have mentioned, the main thing is whether or not his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and whether or not he's willing to consider those feelings when he decides to look at this stuff or not.
If he flat-out refuses to recognize that you're uncomfortable and gets confrontational about it, that's probably something to be worried about more than him looking at younger-looking girls.
I think you should mention it to him, but try not to be too worked up about it until you see how he responds. As others have mentioned, porn is often an escape, not something a person would really want to be involved with in real life.
posted by elder18 at 3:22 PM on June 11, 2010
If he flat-out refuses to recognize that you're uncomfortable and gets confrontational about it, that's probably something to be worried about more than him looking at younger-looking girls.
I think you should mention it to him, but try not to be too worked up about it until you see how he responds. As others have mentioned, porn is often an escape, not something a person would really want to be involved with in real life.
posted by elder18 at 3:22 PM on June 11, 2010
Best answer: I'm looking for a guy's perspective on this.
Some people have criticized this part of your question, but I think it's totally understandable that you'd be interested in this. I'm a guy, here's my perspective: sometimes I just like to look at girls who are 18-ish. If she's 18 but looks a couple years younger, that doesn't really matter to me, any more than it would matter if she looked a couple years older. Aren't there some types of men you just like to look at, even though you wouldn't seriously see yourself being involved with them? Who doesn't have some kind of silly sexual fixation that's out of sync with their actual life? Maybe some people are sexually attracted only to the kinds of people it would actually be healthy for them to be in a relationship with, but I doubt that describes many people -- men or women. (Surely you know some women who have an irrational sexual attraction to men who lead a life of crime, especially a glamorized movie version thereof, right? Isn't that at least as disturbing as having a thing for people who only recently became eligible to vote?)
People mentioned evolutionary psychology as an explanation for men of all ages being attracted to 18-year-olds, and I tend to believe that's part of it. But does my girlfriend or anyone else even need to analyze this? Do they need to analyze why I'm attracted to blondes or brunettes or tall or short women or blacks or whites or any other type? They could, but what good can this possibly do?
The fact is, if I'm attracted to a certain type, that's pretty much a fact of life that's not about to change anytime soon. It doesn't mean I'm not also physically attracted to other types of women, and it certainly doesn't mean I'd have any actual interest in them in real life. I'm 29 and wouldn't even consider dating someone who's 18; I assume your 40-year-old bf isn't vastly less realistic than I am, which he'd need to be if he had any thought of actually being with an 18-year-old at any point in the rest of his life.
Another thing is ... in dating, you're entitled to be uncomfortable with anything you're uncomfortable with. But just because you're free to feel a certain way does not mean it's constructive to keep feeling that way with any level of intensity. And here's one way it's not constructive: I'd bet that the percentage of straight men who are viscerally attracted to sexually mature girls who are around 18 is pretty close to the percentage of straight women who are viscerally attracted to men who are over 6 feet tall. So, what advice would you give to the guy who's 5'8" and is a little perturbed that his girlfriend is one of those women? Would you tell him to hold any kind of grudge against her and all women who, when they're being honest, would express a particular interest in tall men? Or would you tell him: stop worrying about height; you can't change it; you might as well focus on being with a woman who appreciates you as a whole? I'm guessing the latter.
posted by jejune at 3:22 PM on June 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
Some people have criticized this part of your question, but I think it's totally understandable that you'd be interested in this. I'm a guy, here's my perspective: sometimes I just like to look at girls who are 18-ish. If she's 18 but looks a couple years younger, that doesn't really matter to me, any more than it would matter if she looked a couple years older. Aren't there some types of men you just like to look at, even though you wouldn't seriously see yourself being involved with them? Who doesn't have some kind of silly sexual fixation that's out of sync with their actual life? Maybe some people are sexually attracted only to the kinds of people it would actually be healthy for them to be in a relationship with, but I doubt that describes many people -- men or women. (Surely you know some women who have an irrational sexual attraction to men who lead a life of crime, especially a glamorized movie version thereof, right? Isn't that at least as disturbing as having a thing for people who only recently became eligible to vote?)
People mentioned evolutionary psychology as an explanation for men of all ages being attracted to 18-year-olds, and I tend to believe that's part of it. But does my girlfriend or anyone else even need to analyze this? Do they need to analyze why I'm attracted to blondes or brunettes or tall or short women or blacks or whites or any other type? They could, but what good can this possibly do?
The fact is, if I'm attracted to a certain type, that's pretty much a fact of life that's not about to change anytime soon. It doesn't mean I'm not also physically attracted to other types of women, and it certainly doesn't mean I'd have any actual interest in them in real life. I'm 29 and wouldn't even consider dating someone who's 18; I assume your 40-year-old bf isn't vastly less realistic than I am, which he'd need to be if he had any thought of actually being with an 18-year-old at any point in the rest of his life.
Another thing is ... in dating, you're entitled to be uncomfortable with anything you're uncomfortable with. But just because you're free to feel a certain way does not mean it's constructive to keep feeling that way with any level of intensity. And here's one way it's not constructive: I'd bet that the percentage of straight men who are viscerally attracted to sexually mature girls who are around 18 is pretty close to the percentage of straight women who are viscerally attracted to men who are over 6 feet tall. So, what advice would you give to the guy who's 5'8" and is a little perturbed that his girlfriend is one of those women? Would you tell him to hold any kind of grudge against her and all women who, when they're being honest, would express a particular interest in tall men? Or would you tell him: stop worrying about height; you can't change it; you might as well focus on being with a woman who appreciates you as a whole? I'm guessing the latter.
posted by jejune at 3:22 PM on June 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
Personally, as a man in my mid-forties I regard pornography as a younger man's folly. I don't think it's a big horrible thing, but it's just something like getting drunk for the fun of it. Kind of a waste of one's personal energies at best and a potential trap at worst.
Every time I see porn now I just think of how I will be using selected parts of this person I do not know, someone who has a mom and dad, maybe kids, a personality, hopes dreams and fears, for my own gratification. And then I think of my daughters and my wife. Fatherhood really sucks all the pleasure out of looking at nekkid women for me.
I don't blame you for being a bit upset or creeped out. The porn habit, while probably harmless in the big picture, is a penny in the well of selfish indulgence. It's not really sex with another woman, but it's not faithfulness and attention to you either.
You gotta decide how and what kind of these fantasy ladies you will allow into your relationship. Let your feelings guide you on this one. Don't survey society for how you should feel.
posted by cross_impact at 3:23 PM on June 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Every time I see porn now I just think of how I will be using selected parts of this person I do not know, someone who has a mom and dad, maybe kids, a personality, hopes dreams and fears, for my own gratification. And then I think of my daughters and my wife. Fatherhood really sucks all the pleasure out of looking at nekkid women for me.
I don't blame you for being a bit upset or creeped out. The porn habit, while probably harmless in the big picture, is a penny in the well of selfish indulgence. It's not really sex with another woman, but it's not faithfulness and attention to you either.
You gotta decide how and what kind of these fantasy ladies you will allow into your relationship. Let your feelings guide you on this one. Don't survey society for how you should feel.
posted by cross_impact at 3:23 PM on June 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
How old is your mental picture of yourself? Most people? 25. Yeah, which makes 18 year old girls, just fine. Sure, they look young to you...but not to your sexual id. It's the part of our biology that says reproduce, and reproduce with the young and healthy.
Now, if you found him volunteering to coach high school girls basketball? That's a different story.
posted by filmgeek at 3:29 PM on June 11, 2010
Now, if you found him volunteering to coach high school girls basketball? That's a different story.
posted by filmgeek at 3:29 PM on June 11, 2010
Female, porn-positive here. I find that a lot of porn fetishizes youth, with the whole schoolgirl-skirt thing and all. It's pretty ubiquitous and may or may not have been what he was specifically looking for - could just be he came across the sites and was all "hey, good porn!" and the fact that these girls look kinda young was beside the point. I pick up porn with all sorts of females, but if I had to do up a spreadsheet then easily half or more of it would involve very young-looking girls simply because that's what's out there.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:58 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:58 PM on June 11, 2010
am I out of line with this?
Anything that makes you uncomfortable is relevant. If you found out he was looking at porn featuring women in their 70's and it freaked you out - how would that be any different?
I think if someone in a realtionship has a serious issue with something the other person is doing, it always matters.
So, all porn aside, you need to work it out with him or walk away. But I don't think you need to question yourself. Even if you were completely "out of line", it doesn't change the fact that this bothers you - and that should matter to him.
posted by marimeko at 5:08 PM on June 11, 2010
Anything that makes you uncomfortable is relevant. If you found out he was looking at porn featuring women in their 70's and it freaked you out - how would that be any different?
I think if someone in a realtionship has a serious issue with something the other person is doing, it always matters.
So, all porn aside, you need to work it out with him or walk away. But I don't think you need to question yourself. Even if you were completely "out of line", it doesn't change the fact that this bothers you - and that should matter to him.
posted by marimeko at 5:08 PM on June 11, 2010
Best answer: I'm a guy. I like a pretty wide variety of porn and a pretty wide variety of women. Sometimes I look at the "barely legal" type stuff. When I got to the age where it would be definitely pretty sketchy for me to date someone who was 18 it gave me a little pause that I still liked to look at that sort of porn. But like other people here are saying it seems to be pretty common and pretty natural. What I kind of attribute it to is that I didn't date anyone in high school; as fantasy, there's a bit of what-might-have-been for me.
I find women my age (mid-thirties) and older women totally sexy and desirable. And actually until just now when I read RJ Reynolds' comment above it didn't occur to me that I'm not even sure I would particularly want to sleep with the girls who are depicted in this kind of porn; I certainly don't seek out anything like that.
posted by XMLicious at 5:50 PM on June 11, 2010
I find women my age (mid-thirties) and older women totally sexy and desirable. And actually until just now when I read RJ Reynolds' comment above it didn't occur to me that I'm not even sure I would particularly want to sleep with the girls who are depicted in this kind of porn; I certainly don't seek out anything like that.
posted by XMLicious at 5:50 PM on June 11, 2010
I don't blame you for being a bit upset or creeped out. The porn habit, while probably harmless in the big picture, is a penny in the well of selfish indulgence. It's not really sex with another woman, but it's not faithfulness and attention to you either.
This is extremely judgmental. The OP has stated that their sex life is fine and that her boyfriend doesn't look at porn all that often.
posted by ripley_ at 5:54 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is extremely judgmental. The OP has stated that their sex life is fine and that her boyfriend doesn't look at porn all that often.
posted by ripley_ at 5:54 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm just here to echo the following:
- eas98 is right: 16 year old girls are biologically attractive to plenty of people; it's not like pedophilia.
- 16 years old is the age of consent in a ton of developed countries -- perhaps most, though I'm not sure on that bit.
- I'm a bisexual woman who agrees with Lizsterr. For whatever unfortunate reason, if you don't like huge fake boobs and tons of make-up the only practical alternative is "barely legal" stuff.
Now, there are porn actresses out there whose appeal is that they look like they're 12 years old; they're tiny-framed, completely flat, and whether it's affected or not, they have little girl voices. They get put in pretty exploitative scenes that are very obviously meant to be reminiscent of child abuse. In short, they're intended to appeal to pedophiles. If your boyfriend was looking at that, yeah, I'd be more skeezed out, even though it's technically legal.
posted by Nattie at 9:20 PM on June 11, 2010
- eas98 is right: 16 year old girls are biologically attractive to plenty of people; it's not like pedophilia.
- 16 years old is the age of consent in a ton of developed countries -- perhaps most, though I'm not sure on that bit.
- I'm a bisexual woman who agrees with Lizsterr. For whatever unfortunate reason, if you don't like huge fake boobs and tons of make-up the only practical alternative is "barely legal" stuff.
Now, there are porn actresses out there whose appeal is that they look like they're 12 years old; they're tiny-framed, completely flat, and whether it's affected or not, they have little girl voices. They get put in pretty exploitative scenes that are very obviously meant to be reminiscent of child abuse. In short, they're intended to appeal to pedophiles. If your boyfriend was looking at that, yeah, I'd be more skeezed out, even though it's technically legal.
posted by Nattie at 9:20 PM on June 11, 2010
I am a little confused. If you don't mind him looking at porn, why are you checking on it? I would say this is harmless.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:33 PM on June 11, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:33 PM on June 11, 2010
You've left out how you "found out" about this, which is somewhat important.
Should you be creeped out by this?
If you aren't creeped out by this, you would want someone to tell you to be creeped out by this and then you would go and feel creeped out about this? Or, alternately, if you were creeped out, if someone told you, "No, you shouldn't be," you'd stop? This sounds more like you are asking for permission to feel one way or another.
If you want a guy's perspective on this, here goes: He's with you. He's not with someone else. Unless you're the not-soon-for-this-world heiress to an oil fortune, that means he probably is into you.
Should your boyfriend be creeped out that you've deemed yourself someone who gets to pass judgment on what he's into? Short of, oh, crush videos, yes, he should be uncomfortable with that.
Don't peer in someone's head if you're not prepared to be comfortable with what you may find. And don't think about rearranging the furniture in there, either. It's not your head. Yes, you're out of line with this.
He's not required to "hide his stash" because he has nothing of which to be ashamed. I'm not suggesting that he blow up his favorite pictures into posters for your bedroom, but he doesn't need to feel that, oh, his interests or dirty and he must hide his filthy filthy perversion away from the world, locked in some old ammo can out in the shed, or as a hidden folder nine subdirectories down, encrypted. That's not a healthy way to feel about your sexual desires and whenever someone wants to make me feel that way, I know they do not have my best interests at heart.
To be clear, you can have a problem with this, but it's also perfectly okay for him to have a problem with your decision to be "creeped out." Oh, and I'd be less than thrilled that you decided to share this with anyone.
"Peek not through a keyhole, less ye be vexed." Especially by taters.
posted by adipocere at 10:11 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Should you be creeped out by this?
If you aren't creeped out by this, you would want someone to tell you to be creeped out by this and then you would go and feel creeped out about this? Or, alternately, if you were creeped out, if someone told you, "No, you shouldn't be," you'd stop? This sounds more like you are asking for permission to feel one way or another.
If you want a guy's perspective on this, here goes: He's with you. He's not with someone else. Unless you're the not-soon-for-this-world heiress to an oil fortune, that means he probably is into you.
Should your boyfriend be creeped out that you've deemed yourself someone who gets to pass judgment on what he's into? Short of, oh, crush videos, yes, he should be uncomfortable with that.
Don't peer in someone's head if you're not prepared to be comfortable with what you may find. And don't think about rearranging the furniture in there, either. It's not your head. Yes, you're out of line with this.
He's not required to "hide his stash" because he has nothing of which to be ashamed. I'm not suggesting that he blow up his favorite pictures into posters for your bedroom, but he doesn't need to feel that, oh, his interests or dirty and he must hide his filthy filthy perversion away from the world, locked in some old ammo can out in the shed, or as a hidden folder nine subdirectories down, encrypted. That's not a healthy way to feel about your sexual desires and whenever someone wants to make me feel that way, I know they do not have my best interests at heart.
To be clear, you can have a problem with this, but it's also perfectly okay for him to have a problem with your decision to be "creeped out." Oh, and I'd be less than thrilled that you decided to share this with anyone.
"Peek not through a keyhole, less ye be vexed." Especially by taters.
posted by adipocere at 10:11 PM on June 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
My perspective:
If he is viewing nude DEVELOPED girls who appear to be 14-16, it's fine. Undeveloped girls is a whole different issue.
I would be far more worried if he was viewing 28 year old women who looked like they hadn't hit puberty yet.
posted by santaliqueur at 11:07 PM on June 11, 2010
If he is viewing nude DEVELOPED girls who appear to be 14-16, it's fine. Undeveloped girls is a whole different issue.
I would be far more worried if he was viewing 28 year old women who looked like they hadn't hit puberty yet.
posted by santaliqueur at 11:07 PM on June 11, 2010
Is this creepy?
No. We all fantasize. Some fantasize about women they didn't get when they were younger, some fantasize about being paladins storming caves in Azeroth and others fantasize about being farmers on sites where people trade privacy for ads.
It's all cool as long as fantasy doesn't have a negative effect on reality (and it sounds like you have nothing to worry about there).
He said that he doesn't like look at "worn-out" looking girls or old looking girls...
We all age. The sooner one learns to appreciate beauty regardless of age, the better.
posted by stringbean at 2:51 AM on June 12, 2010
No. We all fantasize. Some fantasize about women they didn't get when they were younger, some fantasize about being paladins storming caves in Azeroth and others fantasize about being farmers on sites where people trade privacy for ads.
It's all cool as long as fantasy doesn't have a negative effect on reality (and it sounds like you have nothing to worry about there).
He said that he doesn't like look at "worn-out" looking girls or old looking girls...
We all age. The sooner one learns to appreciate beauty regardless of age, the better.
posted by stringbean at 2:51 AM on June 12, 2010
You won't like me saying it, but stop peeking at his porn preferences.
posted by A189Nut at 4:20 AM on June 12, 2010
posted by A189Nut at 4:20 AM on June 12, 2010
I think 'barely legal' is absolutely not the same thing as a height preference, or any other factor that is not age-intrinsic. Sixteen year old girls may be deemed women in some cultures, but they are also deemed naive and immature in others. The visceral appeal of someone who looks this young could simply be about an attraction to firm youthful flesh, or a memory of bygone days, but it could also indicate an attraction to pliant, undemanding females with no expectations. Or it could mean something else entirely, so what's wrong with asking?
And it doesn't sound to me like judgement - she's not trying to make her boyfriend feel 'dirty', she's trying to understand exactly what it is he finds appealing about these images, because non-overt personal values can effect romantic relationships in a thousand subtle ways. So give her a break. Explaining the 'male perspective' is enough, you don't need to pile on the judgement with it.
posted by freya_lamb at 6:01 AM on June 12, 2010
And it doesn't sound to me like judgement - she's not trying to make her boyfriend feel 'dirty', she's trying to understand exactly what it is he finds appealing about these images, because non-overt personal values can effect romantic relationships in a thousand subtle ways. So give her a break. Explaining the 'male perspective' is enough, you don't need to pile on the judgement with it.
posted by freya_lamb at 6:01 AM on June 12, 2010
I think 'barely legal' is absolutely not the same thing as a height preference, or any other factor that is not age-intrinsic. Sixteen year old girls may be deemed women in some cultures, but they are also deemed naive and immature in others. The visceral appeal of someone who looks this young could simply be about an attraction to firm youthful flesh, or a memory of bygone days, but it could also indicate an attraction to pliant, undemanding females with no expectations.
Well, yes, you can explain why there's a problem with a 40-year-old being attracted to 18-year-olds. There's no question about that. You can view the situation this way if you want to. If the OP focuses on your description (or, really, stereotyping) of 18-year-olds as "pliant" and "undemanding," then that might further confirm her thoughts/feelings about how creepy it is for her bf to be looking at this kind of porn. The question is: should she want to see it this way? And I say: not if she can help it. If there are two possible viewpoints she could take -- one in which she continues to feel creeped out by her bf for looking at an extremely tame and common variety of porn, and another in which she feels OK with it and this stops being an issue in the relationship -- then I would strongly recommend the latter.
I wasn't saying a height preference is exactly the same as an age preference. Height was just one example of thousands of superficial features you could think about. And no, they aren't all as significant as age, but that doesn't change the thought-experiment. If the OP doesn't find the analogy convincing, then fine -- she can take it or leave it. It's just a suggestion on how she might look at this with a different perspective.
posted by jejune at 6:36 AM on June 12, 2010
Well, yes, you can explain why there's a problem with a 40-year-old being attracted to 18-year-olds. There's no question about that. You can view the situation this way if you want to. If the OP focuses on your description (or, really, stereotyping) of 18-year-olds as "pliant" and "undemanding," then that might further confirm her thoughts/feelings about how creepy it is for her bf to be looking at this kind of porn. The question is: should she want to see it this way? And I say: not if she can help it. If there are two possible viewpoints she could take -- one in which she continues to feel creeped out by her bf for looking at an extremely tame and common variety of porn, and another in which she feels OK with it and this stops being an issue in the relationship -- then I would strongly recommend the latter.
I wasn't saying a height preference is exactly the same as an age preference. Height was just one example of thousands of superficial features you could think about. And no, they aren't all as significant as age, but that doesn't change the thought-experiment. If the OP doesn't find the analogy convincing, then fine -- she can take it or leave it. It's just a suggestion on how she might look at this with a different perspective.
posted by jejune at 6:36 AM on June 12, 2010
Response by poster: So here's an update. We briefly talked about it last night after I was feeling better about it with all the helpful, non-judgmental answers I'd received from my question. I asked him how often he looked at that type of porn and he said that he didn't know because he looks at different stuff all the time. The fact that he isn't seeking out just that one type made me feel better. He also said that he doesn't even need to look at that type of porn and if it bothered me, he'd stop.
This morning after feeling more calm about everything, I looked back through all the things that he had been looking at and I wasn't bothered anymore by any of it except one group of photos. The girl in this set of photos was the youngest looking than all the other ones he was looking at, and he spent the most time looking at them. Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
posted by LOLcat at 7:57 AM on June 12, 2010
This morning after feeling more calm about everything, I looked back through all the things that he had been looking at and I wasn't bothered anymore by any of it except one group of photos. The girl in this set of photos was the youngest looking than all the other ones he was looking at, and he spent the most time looking at them. Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
posted by LOLcat at 7:57 AM on June 12, 2010
She is developed and has a piercing. My guess is she is 22ish.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:09 AM on June 12, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:09 AM on June 12, 2010
She's more developed than I am, and I'm 27. And hey, if he was looking at it longer than the rest, then maybe it was because he was having a hard time getting off to it. It's a possibility.
posted by greta simone at 8:14 AM on June 12, 2010
posted by greta simone at 8:14 AM on June 12, 2010
"This morning after feeling more calm about everything, I looked back through all the things that he had been looking at and I wasn't bothered anymore by any of it except one group of photos."
Here's where I'm having lots of problems with your posts. I'm a 27yrold guy. I look at lots of porn and my gf knows it. She has never voiced any concerns to me about what I look at, but you can be damned sure that if I ever, EVER found her snooping through my history or my computer in general, I would strongly consider breaking up with her.
The fact that you are looking at his history means you don't trust him and he sure as hell shouldn't trust you going behind his back like that.
To your question for a guys perspective about the porn itself outside of your abysmal approach to the situation...
Well, as another poster said, every guy has their type and sometimes they find that type in a girl who tends to be on the younger looking side. Honestly, I've looked at stuff where the girl was dressed up as a schoolgirl or a babysitter or w/e and you know what? It didn't have a damn thing to do with the "fantasy" that they were a young girl. It was just because I thought they were hot and most of the time I fast forward through all the story crap just to see them get naked.
Does that make me a bad person? No. It just makes me someone who knows what they are attracted to and its fine as long as the girls are legal.
The other issue at hand here is that because you are older you perceive these girls to appear younger than they are. But you know what, biology makes guys attracted to younger, healthier girls, and frankly no older woman can beat a younger girl at that.
Send almost any guy to a college teaming with new freshman or amongst a group of HS seniors and I would be SHOCKED if they were not attracted to any of them.
It also doesn't hurt that girls of this age tend to wear much more revealing clothing that highlights the benefits of their youth...perky breasts, firm butts, smooth legs, etc.
So to conclude, stop being a non-trusting spy, don't judge people for what they are into, and if it REALLY bugs you, you always have the option to leave the relationship because that is your choice.
posted by Elminster24 at 8:29 AM on June 12, 2010
Here's where I'm having lots of problems with your posts. I'm a 27yrold guy. I look at lots of porn and my gf knows it. She has never voiced any concerns to me about what I look at, but you can be damned sure that if I ever, EVER found her snooping through my history or my computer in general, I would strongly consider breaking up with her.
The fact that you are looking at his history means you don't trust him and he sure as hell shouldn't trust you going behind his back like that.
To your question for a guys perspective about the porn itself outside of your abysmal approach to the situation...
Well, as another poster said, every guy has their type and sometimes they find that type in a girl who tends to be on the younger looking side. Honestly, I've looked at stuff where the girl was dressed up as a schoolgirl or a babysitter or w/e and you know what? It didn't have a damn thing to do with the "fantasy" that they were a young girl. It was just because I thought they were hot and most of the time I fast forward through all the story crap just to see them get naked.
Does that make me a bad person? No. It just makes me someone who knows what they are attracted to and its fine as long as the girls are legal.
The other issue at hand here is that because you are older you perceive these girls to appear younger than they are. But you know what, biology makes guys attracted to younger, healthier girls, and frankly no older woman can beat a younger girl at that.
Send almost any guy to a college teaming with new freshman or amongst a group of HS seniors and I would be SHOCKED if they were not attracted to any of them.
It also doesn't hurt that girls of this age tend to wear much more revealing clothing that highlights the benefits of their youth...perky breasts, firm butts, smooth legs, etc.
So to conclude, stop being a non-trusting spy, don't judge people for what they are into, and if it REALLY bugs you, you always have the option to leave the relationship because that is your choice.
posted by Elminster24 at 8:29 AM on June 12, 2010
She looks like she's in her early twenties. Her face is youngish looking, but, hell, so is my husband's.
(He regularly gets carded. And is 32.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:36 AM on June 12, 2010
(He regularly gets carded. And is 32.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:36 AM on June 12, 2010
Response by poster: Elminster24, there is no his computer. We share a computer and we don't have separate accounts. I'm on the internet a lot as I'm constantly buying materials and researching for the type of art I create. I probably do this at least for an hour each day. I bookmark a lot of things, but I don't bookmark everything. If I need to find something I was looking at but forgot what website it was, I look through the history. It's not often that I need to do this though. That's how I know he's looked at porn before but the other day when I was looking through the history for a website I needed to find, I came across a bunch of urls to websites that referenced barely legal girls.
posted by LOLcat at 9:44 AM on June 12, 2010
posted by LOLcat at 9:44 AM on June 12, 2010
Best answer: I think 'barely legal' is absolutely not the same thing as a height preference, or any other factor that is not age-intrinsic. Sixteen year old girls may be deemed women in some cultures, but they are also deemed naive and immature in others. The visceral appeal of someone who looks this young could simply be about an attraction to firm youthful flesh, or a memory of bygone days, but it could also indicate an attraction to pliant, undemanding females with no expectations.
That's why it is called fantasy. It's not real life. It is all about calling your own shots- even if you fantasize about being submissive, you are creating the image of the dominant exactly how you'd want him/her to be.
Hanging around the mall would be a whole different thing.
Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
What makes her seem younger than she is, is the lack of any "older person" trappings. No discernible makeup, an uncomplicated hairstyle, a bedroom that looks like it is in her parents' basement. I'm sure if you put her in a different context, she would look much older.
(OTOH, if you put a teddy bear in the shots, it would become much creepier.)
posted by gjc at 10:14 AM on June 12, 2010
That's why it is called fantasy. It's not real life. It is all about calling your own shots- even if you fantasize about being submissive, you are creating the image of the dominant exactly how you'd want him/her to be.
Hanging around the mall would be a whole different thing.
Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
What makes her seem younger than she is, is the lack of any "older person" trappings. No discernible makeup, an uncomplicated hairstyle, a bedroom that looks like it is in her parents' basement. I'm sure if you put her in a different context, she would look much older.
(OTOH, if you put a teddy bear in the shots, it would become much creepier.)
posted by gjc at 10:14 AM on June 12, 2010
Ok, that's a bit more reasonable LOLcat. But fyi, its probably in both of your interests to have separate accounts setup on the machine. Keeps your files separate and avoids issues like this.
Also, I'd just like to through out that some men prefer small-breasted, petite women. Apparently Australia didn't like that and tried to ban that in porn...
BoingBoing Article on Australia banning small boobs
The other thing I'll throw out is that as men age, its no secret that we yearn for our youth/glory days. Girls of this age reflect that time and hold a special appeal to us. That was an age of passion, excitement, etc. and those emotions are associated with things that remind us of what we were like at that time.
Of course that's just psycho babble...young, healthy looking girls are hot--thus is life.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:57 AM on June 12, 2010
Also, I'd just like to through out that some men prefer small-breasted, petite women. Apparently Australia didn't like that and tried to ban that in porn...
BoingBoing Article on Australia banning small boobs
The other thing I'll throw out is that as men age, its no secret that we yearn for our youth/glory days. Girls of this age reflect that time and hold a special appeal to us. That was an age of passion, excitement, etc. and those emotions are associated with things that remind us of what we were like at that time.
Of course that's just psycho babble...young, healthy looking girls are hot--thus is life.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:57 AM on June 12, 2010
To be clear, you can have a problem with this, but it's also perfectly okay for him to have a problem with your decision to be "creeped out." Oh, and I'd be less than thrilled that you decided to share this with anyone.
Agreed. Also, I would not be impressed with my significant other if they made such a big deal out of something like this.
posted by ripley_ at 11:26 AM on June 12, 2010
Agreed. Also, I would not be impressed with my significant other if they made such a big deal out of something like this.
posted by ripley_ at 11:26 AM on June 12, 2010
Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
You appear wrong to me. That's not my cup of tea but I don't see anything objectionable there. It looks like bog-standard stuff.
That said, if my S.O. posted to the internet a link to porn I had been looking at without mention of how I had spent the most time looking at it, etc, we would no longer be S.O.s. It would be dumpville.
posted by Justinian at 12:28 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You appear wrong to me. That's not my cup of tea but I don't see anything objectionable there. It looks like bog-standard stuff.
That said, if my S.O. posted to the internet a link to porn I had been looking at without mention of how I had spent the most time looking at it, etc, we would no longer be S.O.s. It would be dumpville.
posted by Justinian at 12:28 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm in agreement with everyone above that the "creepy" part is only applicable if the models are underage or are simulating underage behaviour in order to appear underage.
Having said that, I think you were right to discuss it with him - and to keep discussing it if you're still feeling uncertain. I also think it's hard for anyone to explain why certain things/kinks/visuals are appealing and you may never get an answer that satisfies you completely - but you may get some clarification that helps a bit. It's also worth sitting down and really giving some deep thought as to why your partner's enjoyment of younger (legal) porn bothers you.
Maybe I'm just reading this and slanting it in terms of my own thoughts, but I'll go to a personal thought here anyway. I like hearing my partners' fantasies and I like sharing porn with them, too, sometimes. I pride myself on being a good partner - to use the Dan Savage term, I'm GGG. I'm pretty happy to try anything once or twice and, if it's something that 'works' for my partner, I'm likely to indulge it more often (and would hope it would be reciprocated for things that 'work' for me).
But... there are limitations. I cannot turn back the clock and make myself 19 (or 25, or..) again. For me, the younger porn stars make me feel a bit queasy because of that. I feel similarly about any other sexual fetish (though that's not quite the right word) that I can't fulfill - if my partner told me he only found black women attractive or, hell, if he said he really only fantasized about men... what could I do?
On finding out that a partner particularly liked the younger porn, I was faced with a feeling of inadequacy that I couldn't work through, fully, because I will never, ever, be that age again. I will never be able to personally fulfill that fantasy. At 35, I do not have perfectly smooth skin and pert breasts and there are wrinkles on my face and grey hairs at my temples. He will always, forever, have to go away from me to indulge in that particular side of his sexuality - and that just sucks on an emotional level.
It's particularly painful to consider that because, of course, if I had a choice about which body I'd like to inhabit, it'd certainly be the one I had when I was 20 (though I'd want to keep every drop of experience and intelligence and LIFE that I've had since then). Add in a big dose of the crap women are often fed throughout their lives - particularly as it pertains to becoming invisible as they age, the push to look younger by any means necessary, the stories of men having midlife crises and marrying younger women.. well, it's crazy-making. There's a huge double standard for men, of course, so even the reminder that he'll age, too, doesn't usually help (and that's a whole other 2 screen post on its own, quite frankly).
The only way through it is to keep talking. Start thinking about yourself and your feelings and your thoughts and once you can verbalize what's bothering you, seek reassurances, ask questions, be honest. You said your sex life is fine and you don't think he's cheating on you, so build from there. If you're secure in your relationship and don't feel like he's hiding things, you need to talk until you start to feel better.
posted by VioletU at 1:54 PM on June 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having said that, I think you were right to discuss it with him - and to keep discussing it if you're still feeling uncertain. I also think it's hard for anyone to explain why certain things/kinks/visuals are appealing and you may never get an answer that satisfies you completely - but you may get some clarification that helps a bit. It's also worth sitting down and really giving some deep thought as to why your partner's enjoyment of younger (legal) porn bothers you.
Maybe I'm just reading this and slanting it in terms of my own thoughts, but I'll go to a personal thought here anyway. I like hearing my partners' fantasies and I like sharing porn with them, too, sometimes. I pride myself on being a good partner - to use the Dan Savage term, I'm GGG. I'm pretty happy to try anything once or twice and, if it's something that 'works' for my partner, I'm likely to indulge it more often (and would hope it would be reciprocated for things that 'work' for me).
But... there are limitations. I cannot turn back the clock and make myself 19 (or 25, or..) again. For me, the younger porn stars make me feel a bit queasy because of that. I feel similarly about any other sexual fetish (though that's not quite the right word) that I can't fulfill - if my partner told me he only found black women attractive or, hell, if he said he really only fantasized about men... what could I do?
On finding out that a partner particularly liked the younger porn, I was faced with a feeling of inadequacy that I couldn't work through, fully, because I will never, ever, be that age again. I will never be able to personally fulfill that fantasy. At 35, I do not have perfectly smooth skin and pert breasts and there are wrinkles on my face and grey hairs at my temples. He will always, forever, have to go away from me to indulge in that particular side of his sexuality - and that just sucks on an emotional level.
It's particularly painful to consider that because, of course, if I had a choice about which body I'd like to inhabit, it'd certainly be the one I had when I was 20 (though I'd want to keep every drop of experience and intelligence and LIFE that I've had since then). Add in a big dose of the crap women are often fed throughout their lives - particularly as it pertains to becoming invisible as they age, the push to look younger by any means necessary, the stories of men having midlife crises and marrying younger women.. well, it's crazy-making. There's a huge double standard for men, of course, so even the reminder that he'll age, too, doesn't usually help (and that's a whole other 2 screen post on its own, quite frankly).
The only way through it is to keep talking. Start thinking about yourself and your feelings and your thoughts and once you can verbalize what's bothering you, seek reassurances, ask questions, be honest. You said your sex life is fine and you don't think he's cheating on you, so build from there. If you're secure in your relationship and don't feel like he's hiding things, you need to talk until you start to feel better.
posted by VioletU at 1:54 PM on June 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: That said, if my S.O. posted to the internet a link to porn I had been looking at without mention of how I had spent the most time looking at it, etc, we would no longer be S.O.s. It would be dumpville.
That's why this is an anonymous sockpuppet account. There's no way this information can be linked to him specifically. Would you have been saying this if it was posted as an anonymous question?
posted by LOLcat at 3:48 PM on June 12, 2010
That's why this is an anonymous sockpuppet account. There's no way this information can be linked to him specifically. Would you have been saying this if it was posted as an anonymous question?
posted by LOLcat at 3:48 PM on June 12, 2010
Probably. Sorry, I should have phrased it in a nicer way. It's true that this can't possibly be linked back to him. What I meant was... uh, it's hard to enunciate. The idea of other people deconstructing someone's porn habits at the level of detail where links are being posted just makes me uncomfortable, even if done anonymously. If there can be such a thing as invading the privacy of an anonymous person, this is it.
posted by Justinian at 4:43 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Justinian at 4:43 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
The girl in this set of photos was the youngest looking than all the other ones he was looking at, and he spent the most time looking at them. Maybe my perception is skewed but I think she looks like she's 14 and she's hardly developed. Or am I wrong? [NSFW link]
That's the most disturbing porn he was looking at? Wow. That looks like the most average, humdrum, plain-vanilla, softcore porn in the world. You're having an intense reaction of "OMG, she's so young," when his reaction probably didn't even involve categorizing the photos. He probably just thought, "Oh good, naked ladies," and that was it. (The only evidence going the other way is his explanation of why he likes looking at younger women, but, well, you put him on the spot and he might have felt pressured to come up with a rationalization.)
I also don't know why you think "she's hardly developed." Maybe you have an image of porn stars as all having huge breasts, so the woman in those photos looks flat-chested to you? But really, her figure is about average, though she was chosen to look perky and youthful.
There's no way to surf the web for porn while making sure you only look at photos of women who are significantly older-looking than that woman. If you have a problem with him looking at those relatively tame photos, you should just admit that you have a problem with him looking at porn in general.
posted by jejune at 10:34 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's the most disturbing porn he was looking at? Wow. That looks like the most average, humdrum, plain-vanilla, softcore porn in the world. You're having an intense reaction of "OMG, she's so young," when his reaction probably didn't even involve categorizing the photos. He probably just thought, "Oh good, naked ladies," and that was it. (The only evidence going the other way is his explanation of why he likes looking at younger women, but, well, you put him on the spot and he might have felt pressured to come up with a rationalization.)
I also don't know why you think "she's hardly developed." Maybe you have an image of porn stars as all having huge breasts, so the woman in those photos looks flat-chested to you? But really, her figure is about average, though she was chosen to look perky and youthful.
There's no way to surf the web for porn while making sure you only look at photos of women who are significantly older-looking than that woman. If you have a problem with him looking at those relatively tame photos, you should just admit that you have a problem with him looking at porn in general.
posted by jejune at 10:34 PM on June 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hey, it's probably not my business, but I'm starting to feel a little defensive for you.
I admire you for trying to be accommodating and open-minded about your man's porn habit. But might it be that you, and many people, feel pressured by the crowd to just accept the fact that any man you love will also look at porn on the side and it's unreasonable and controlling of you to object to or constrain such activity. Your feelings are your feelings and you are not a controlling bitch if you have a problem with porn, general or specific.
As a man, my brain is just more likely to be wired to make it easier to compartmentalize my wanking life from my waking life. I can treat my own and any woman's sexual faculties as an object for superficial pleasure and, mostly, keep those images and activities out of my reality. On average, women are not wired to compartmentalize as easily. It can be hard for some women to feel accepted in a relationship when her beloved can wank to women he does not know and who are so different from her.
Porn allows me to "dial a woman," or at least womanly parts, to my specifications. I can keep clicking or browsing until I find that look, or that breast size, skin color, that I want. Each click is a summary judgemment that boils a whole human person down to some narrow features. And so we guys, including me and your boyfriend, "dial up" these ladies who are so different, younger, with than you. And you can have some confidence that our ability to compartmentalize will mean that he'll still come back to you.
That's a hell of a way to look at people though. I gave up porn because it encouraged me to look at women this way. Heck, as a male I have a challenge trying not to look at women this way in the first place. I don't need an endless menu of airbrushed fantasies to practice with.
I believe the reason that many older women feel invisible is that they feel the oppression of that reductive gaze, they feel themselves being boiled down to a few features, and they hear the "next." I want my wife, and damn sure want my daughters, to have a man who will look past their parts and love them. I can't kick the ass of any bastard in the future who will look them up and down and say "next," but I can sure as hell teach them not to accept less than the best kind of love and to wait for the man who will love them for them and not just their "features."
I'd want want my daughters to spend time with gentlemen who don't have to compartmentalize their porn life from my daughters' lives. And I want to teach them to stand up to the appraising gazes that will try to reduce them to a few fleshy parts and demand to be loved as whole people. So bully to you if you want to draw a few lines.
Okay, so IANYD (I am not your dad) but IAAD and I guess this whole topic gets me a little worked up. Draw the boundaries you need and feel empowered to ask any man you give yourself to to respect them or move on.
posted by cross_impact at 3:30 PM on June 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
I admire you for trying to be accommodating and open-minded about your man's porn habit. But might it be that you, and many people, feel pressured by the crowd to just accept the fact that any man you love will also look at porn on the side and it's unreasonable and controlling of you to object to or constrain such activity. Your feelings are your feelings and you are not a controlling bitch if you have a problem with porn, general or specific.
As a man, my brain is just more likely to be wired to make it easier to compartmentalize my wanking life from my waking life. I can treat my own and any woman's sexual faculties as an object for superficial pleasure and, mostly, keep those images and activities out of my reality. On average, women are not wired to compartmentalize as easily. It can be hard for some women to feel accepted in a relationship when her beloved can wank to women he does not know and who are so different from her.
Porn allows me to "dial a woman," or at least womanly parts, to my specifications. I can keep clicking or browsing until I find that look, or that breast size, skin color,
That's a hell of a way to look at people though. I gave up porn because it encouraged me to look at women this way. Heck, as a male I have a challenge trying not to look at women this way in the first place. I don't need an endless menu of airbrushed fantasies to practice with.
I believe the reason that many older women feel invisible is that they feel the oppression of that reductive gaze, they feel themselves being boiled down to a few features, and they hear the "next." I want my wife, and damn sure want my daughters, to have a man who will look past their parts and love them. I can't kick the ass of any bastard in the future who will look them up and down and say "next," but I can sure as hell teach them not to accept less than the best kind of love and to wait for the man who will love them for them and not just their "features."
I'd want want my daughters to spend time with gentlemen who don't have to compartmentalize their porn life from my daughters' lives. And I want to teach them to stand up to the appraising gazes that will try to reduce them to a few fleshy parts and demand to be loved as whole people. So bully to you if you want to draw a few lines.
Okay, so IANYD (I am not your dad) but IAAD and I guess this whole topic gets me a little worked up. Draw the boundaries you need and feel empowered to ask any man you give yourself to to respect them or move on.
posted by cross_impact at 3:30 PM on June 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Most men find young women (emphasis on "women") attractive. Most of us will not admit it publicly because women find it very distasteful.
This. It is extremely normal for heterosexual men to be attracted to 16-year-old girls. And it is extremely common for women to get very bent out of shape about it—so we've learned to keep our mouths shut.
From a biological perspective, there's no reason to expect that it would be otherwise. In our evolutionary past, humans lived much shorter lives, and infant mortality rates were much higher. Natural selection obviously favors those who get a-matin' as soon as the baby-making equipment is ready, rather than arbitrarily waiting some number of years after both people have reached sexual maturity. (And, in fact, this has been the norm throughout the majority of human history.)
Now, we do expect people to exercise some degree of control over their genetic impulses. And one of the impulses that we expect men to control, in our modern Western civilization, is the impulse to have sex with teenage girls.
Making sexual advances on 16-year-old girls, or harassing them, or ogling them indiscreetly? Undoubtedly creepy. Looking at porn featuring girls who are actually underage? Also creepy, and exploitative. These things (quite rightly) carry a heavy stigma in our culture.
But looking at pictures of consenting adults pretending to be underage girls? In most cases, a harmless release for a normal biological urge.
Think about it: would you be creeped out by a 16-year-old boy who was physically attracted to a 16-year-old girl? If not, how do you expect that boy to shut off that attraction as he gets older? So long as he doesn't express that attraction in ways that harm others, what's the problem?
It's quite likely that your boyfriend wasn't even looking for this kind of porn. The 20-year-old fake-Lolita-in-pigtails is such a common porn trope that it would be hard to avoid it. Just as likely, he was simply surfing around, looking at porn, and happened to come across this set of images. Whatever corny props the images used to signify "this is a teenage girl" may have been exciting to him, or may have been as irrelevant as the wallpaper behind the girl. Penises respond to an attractive woman whether she's dressed up like a lingerie model, a librarian, a high school cheerleader, or Bozo the Clown.
I haven't read the entire thread, but I'm not sure how you know that your husband was looking at these images. If you found them in his browser history, keep in mind that not everything you see there is necessarily something he wanted to see. I've unwittingly clicked on links that bring up pages full of DO NOT WANT, CTRL+W CTRL+W CTRL+W, OH GOD WHERE IS THE EYE-BLEACH?! Many times.
But, that's tangential: I don't think this is anything to be worried about even if your boyfriend did intentionally seek it out. Reality is one thing, and fantasy is another. Your boyfriend (so far as we know) hasn't done the slightest thing to harm any real 16-year-old girls.
As a man, my brain is just more likely to be wired to make it easier to compartmentalize my wanking life from my waking life.
I don't know whether this is a gendered thing or not, but it's certainly a misunderstanding I've encountered when talking about porn with women who dislike porn.
I use the analogy of action movies. I can sit and watch a movie where everything blows up, and thousands of people die, and entire continents explode, and innocent bystanders get caught in the middle of rocket-launcher battles. And I get excited by watching it and imagining myself in the hero's place.
But I know that it's fantasy. If I were to go through that in real life, I would be scared shitless, and would probably be permanently traumatized. I certainly don't really want to shoot anyone, or to see that kind of destruction happening around me. The movie doesn't depict all the horrible things that would accompany that event in real life.
Similarly, not everything that excites me in porn is something I want to experience in real life. I don't want to go out and screw 16-year-old girls after watching that happen in porn, any more than I want to go out and empty a machine gun into passers-by after watching Rambo.
It's not a perfect analogy, but I think it illustrates the difference that (most) men draw between porn on the one hand, and their interactions with real women (sexual or otherwise) on the other. Seeing women in a video primarily as sexual objects (women who have made their own choice to present themselves in that role, and who are getting paid well for it, BTW) does not mean that we're only capable of seeing women as sexual objects, or that we mistake the way things work in the world of porn for the way things work in the real world.
posted by ixohoxi at 12:19 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This. It is extremely normal for heterosexual men to be attracted to 16-year-old girls. And it is extremely common for women to get very bent out of shape about it—so we've learned to keep our mouths shut.
From a biological perspective, there's no reason to expect that it would be otherwise. In our evolutionary past, humans lived much shorter lives, and infant mortality rates were much higher. Natural selection obviously favors those who get a-matin' as soon as the baby-making equipment is ready, rather than arbitrarily waiting some number of years after both people have reached sexual maturity. (And, in fact, this has been the norm throughout the majority of human history.)
Now, we do expect people to exercise some degree of control over their genetic impulses. And one of the impulses that we expect men to control, in our modern Western civilization, is the impulse to have sex with teenage girls.
Making sexual advances on 16-year-old girls, or harassing them, or ogling them indiscreetly? Undoubtedly creepy. Looking at porn featuring girls who are actually underage? Also creepy, and exploitative. These things (quite rightly) carry a heavy stigma in our culture.
But looking at pictures of consenting adults pretending to be underage girls? In most cases, a harmless release for a normal biological urge.
Think about it: would you be creeped out by a 16-year-old boy who was physically attracted to a 16-year-old girl? If not, how do you expect that boy to shut off that attraction as he gets older? So long as he doesn't express that attraction in ways that harm others, what's the problem?
It's quite likely that your boyfriend wasn't even looking for this kind of porn. The 20-year-old fake-Lolita-in-pigtails is such a common porn trope that it would be hard to avoid it. Just as likely, he was simply surfing around, looking at porn, and happened to come across this set of images. Whatever corny props the images used to signify "this is a teenage girl" may have been exciting to him, or may have been as irrelevant as the wallpaper behind the girl. Penises respond to an attractive woman whether she's dressed up like a lingerie model, a librarian, a high school cheerleader, or Bozo the Clown.
I haven't read the entire thread, but I'm not sure how you know that your husband was looking at these images. If you found them in his browser history, keep in mind that not everything you see there is necessarily something he wanted to see. I've unwittingly clicked on links that bring up pages full of DO NOT WANT, CTRL+W CTRL+W CTRL+W, OH GOD WHERE IS THE EYE-BLEACH?! Many times.
But, that's tangential: I don't think this is anything to be worried about even if your boyfriend did intentionally seek it out. Reality is one thing, and fantasy is another. Your boyfriend (so far as we know) hasn't done the slightest thing to harm any real 16-year-old girls.
As a man, my brain is just more likely to be wired to make it easier to compartmentalize my wanking life from my waking life.
I don't know whether this is a gendered thing or not, but it's certainly a misunderstanding I've encountered when talking about porn with women who dislike porn.
I use the analogy of action movies. I can sit and watch a movie where everything blows up, and thousands of people die, and entire continents explode, and innocent bystanders get caught in the middle of rocket-launcher battles. And I get excited by watching it and imagining myself in the hero's place.
But I know that it's fantasy. If I were to go through that in real life, I would be scared shitless, and would probably be permanently traumatized. I certainly don't really want to shoot anyone, or to see that kind of destruction happening around me. The movie doesn't depict all the horrible things that would accompany that event in real life.
Similarly, not everything that excites me in porn is something I want to experience in real life. I don't want to go out and screw 16-year-old girls after watching that happen in porn, any more than I want to go out and empty a machine gun into passers-by after watching Rambo.
It's not a perfect analogy, but I think it illustrates the difference that (most) men draw between porn on the one hand, and their interactions with real women (sexual or otherwise) on the other. Seeing women in a video primarily as sexual objects (women who have made their own choice to present themselves in that role, and who are getting paid well for it, BTW) does not mean that we're only capable of seeing women as sexual objects, or that we mistake the way things work in the world of porn for the way things work in the real world.
posted by ixohoxi at 12:19 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by LOLcat at 1:52 PM on June 11, 2010