Dating Interreligiously to find a match for my ethos...

June 10, 2010 10:48 PM

I'm an early-20s straight male Catholic. I'd like to meet and eventually date a female Buddhist in her 20s. I live in a medium-size Midwestern city. How should I go about it?

So, for reasons far too detailed to explain in this box, I'm a Catholic and plan to stay that way, but have a generally mystical practice and worldview that applies in particular to my views on relationships (that is, I believe in the inherent suffering of existence, the pursuit of the middle way, etc). It seems to me (at least at the moment) that the best way to pursue a relationship in which someone understands this spirituality and my perspective on romantic relationships is to form a strong friendship or romantic relationship with a Buddhist or similarly inclined spiritual person. I tend to get along better with women than men. Proximity to my age is nice, but not essential.

I know the obvious answer here: I should go find a meditation course or group meditation session. Still, I can hardly imagine a situation in which asking a person you met at meditation class out on a date, or even strike up a conversation with a person at your meditation class before or after the proceedings. My social skills are at this point are fairly poor: I have only been single for about four months after a long relationship. I have very little practice meditating.

Add to all of this that I live in a medium-sized Midwestern town where there's not a great deal of diversity. I have plans to move to a big city for grad school in 12-14 months and if you tell me I have to wait until then to go through with something like this, I'll accept that. Still, I'd like to meet people of this persuasion while I'm here. Please provide tips on where to go, how to strike up a conversation and how to keep that conversation within the bounds of social appropriateness while still expressing interest. Please don't tell me that I should talk to women the same way I talk to men. I'm not all that good at talking to men either.

posted by l33tpolicywonk to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I would suggest one or more of the dating web sites out there.
It gives you a convenient way of stating what you are looking for
and find compatible people.

It wont be easy, but it kinda lets you get around some of the akwardness.

Now, I would also recommend to find a local buddhist temple and look
into the programs they offer and get involved.

I have been to quite a few buddhist temples and I have found them almost
all to be very open and inviting and the usually have various social events.
Now some of them are targetted at a specific ethnic group, which might make
language a barrier.
posted by digividal at 10:56 PM on June 10, 2010

Not exactly to answer your question, but when looking for a partner, I think it's quite important not to make a whole lot of "rules" for yourself about demographics, as opposed to worldviews etc.

There may be plenty of buddhists who vehemently disagree with your philosophies, and plenty of non-buddhists who find them fantabulous.

To be honest, it sounds like socialisation of all varieties could be really great for you. Dating sites is a great way to start looking, but why not get out there and have a look at some of the other things you're interested in (including and beyond buddhism) not with a view to dating, per se, but with a view to meeting new, interesting, like-minded folk. And if you end up dating a couple, what the hey, that's a great bonus.
posted by smoke at 11:03 PM on June 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Points of clarification: I am using and will continue to use dating sites during this process, and have been fairly aggressive about ensuring that I go to places and do things that I'm interested in. I'm also well aware that Buddhists or any other religious group are diverse, and I'm not suggesting either that I'll be attracted to any Buddhist or that I intend to meet my life partner straight away and that person must be Buddhist. I'm fairly certain that pursuing a romantic relationship with a Buddhist woman would, at least, dramatically broaden my horizons and deepen my understanding of myself, and I'm interested in pursuing that goal in an honest, appropriate way.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:12 PM on June 10, 2010

Are there ways of achieving your goals without coming off as a fetishist?
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:13 PM on June 10, 2010 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Pope Guilty: "Are there ways of achieving your goals without coming off as a fetishist?"

I'm not faking interest in mysticism or spirituality. My desire to start a meditative practice has grown as I've realized how much I'm in need of the spiritual and psychological benefits therein. I'm not suggesting any of the aforementioned activities aren't things I would enjoy by myself. That being said, it's pretty difficult to meet a religious cross-section of mystics, at least in a town this size. I don't see how this is ultimately any different than desiring to date someone with interests or goals similar to yours.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:24 PM on June 10, 2010

I know this isn't quite answering your question directly, but I see from your history that you were actually engaged just a few months ago.

Honestly, I would concentrate on not pressuring yourself to get back to dating so quickly. A long and significant relationship of yours has just ended... my feeling is that it would be quite useful (not only now but also in the future in terms of your ability to form new, healthy relationships) to allow yourself the time to be present and mindful about the transition period you're in. Trying to date anyone (regardless of the common interests you're seeking) a mere four months after ending an engagement is, in a way, kind of the antithesis of the middle way.

Or to put it another way: I don't know that dating a Buddhist woman in order to broaden your horizons and deepen your understanding of yourself (as you state above) is the best way to attain either the goal of companionship or self-knowledge. That is, don't tie up your interest with pursing the middle way (which is terrific) with the desire to hurry up and move on to a new relationship (which is understandable but possibly misguided). Transitioning out of a long-term relationship takes time and patience -- much more time and patience than we ever tend to be comfortable with.

So do your practice. Find a meditation class (whether through a temple, a yoga center, a local college, a Unitarian congregation, etc.). Be present with everything you may be feeling now in the wake of being newly single -- grief, excitement, anticipation, frustration, fear, hope. This will be to the benefit of your practice and -- eventually -- to the benefit of a new relationship.

Don't try to grasp it -- just let your hand open.
posted by scody at 11:36 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm fairly certain that pursuing a romantic relationship with a Buddhist woman would, at least, dramatically broaden my horizons and deepen my understanding of myself

Thing is, dude, I'm not sure what you're basing that assumption on. You've said yourself you haven't hung out with a lot of buddhists. It's a pretty diverse community. Some buddhist women may do that, and some won't - just like non-buddhist women.

Also - and this alludes to the socialisation issue - being a notch on someone's personal development journey is typically not what people are looking for when they go into relationships. If your attitude and goal becomes apparent to someone you meet, they may very well - and possibly rightly - think "are you interested in me? Or what you think my religion represents? Or what you think I can do for you?"
posted by smoke at 11:36 PM on June 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm not calling you a fake. I'm saying that saying "I want to date a _______" makes you come off as somebody who wants to date a person for a particular characteristic of theirs rather than for who they are as a person- i.e., as a fetishist. It's different from saying "I want to date somebody who shares my values" because they're not your values, as you've stated. You want to engage a woman in a romantic relationship in order to find out more about a value system which you find interesting and appealing. The usual way of going about that is to read a book, not to date somebody and treat them as a means to your own personal end.

Look, if you really want the best advice I can give in accomplishing your goal, it's this: go to meditation class. Learn to meditate. Become experienced enough to start having original thoughts about it. Engage your classmates in conversation- you like mysticism, they like mysticism, you've already got a common interest. The only way to get better at interacting with people is to interact with people; as with most things, we learn by doing. If you're not comfortable interacting with people, they won't be comfortable interacting with you, and interpersonal comfort is, in my experience, a really big thing to establish if you're looking to have a relationship with someone.

All that said, I really do hope you'll understand what we're saying here. Take some time off from dating and relationships and get comfortable with yourself, which it doesn't really sound like you are. Talk to men and women. Read some books on Buddhism.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:40 PM on June 10, 2010

Response by poster: I appreciate everyone's concern, but it really is extra-topical. I'm trying to figure out what in a relationship is important to me. I was fairly clear that the kind of person I'd like to meet is conventionally Buddhist, but not exclusively or inherently so. This isn't a question of learning more about a belief system as it is learning about myself. That goal is hardly mutually exclusive with genuinely liking someone or meeting their needs.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 11:56 PM on June 10, 2010