How do I cope with being considered a slut?

June 1, 2010 5:29 PM

How do I cope with being considered a slut?

A few months ago, I fell in love with another man and chose to break up with my boyfriend (nearly fiancé) of several years for him. We've been happy since, but I'm still having trouble coming to terms with the new identity thrust upon me as a slut of some kind.

While I saw it, and still see it as a case of "If I had truly wanted to stay in that relationship, I would have", others paint it in a light of "You should always be faithful to the one you're with; relationships take work. You are a bad person to be in a relationship with if you won't work for it."

I've felt very ostracized from my former community. My ex has all the support he has needed, and I have been coldly received, or ignored. I guess that is a way to see who true friends are?

If nothing else, I've learned a lot about the drives and motives of women I once foolishly thought of as slutty, but the general lack of support and isolation is wearing sometimes.

posted by anonymous to human relations (49 answers total)

Learn who your real friends are and move on, with new friends if need be.
posted by squorch at 5:34 PM on June 1, 2010 [4 favorites]

On the one hand, if the people you surround yourself with treat you poorly, it's probably a good idea to stop surrounding yourself with them.

On the other hand, if you betrayed someone's trust and violated an express or implicit commitment of fidelity forged over many years of a relationship, don't be surprised when people who know about your betrayal see your actions as a negative thing.
posted by The World Famous at 5:36 PM on June 1, 2010 [12 favorites]

I'm missing the slutty part here. You fell in love with someone else - it happens. Were you sleeping around with a bunch of other people too? No? Then you're not a slut - you are someone who found love and a new life with someone else. Find joy in this, ignore these people who are thrusting this label upon you to satisfy their own need to put someone else down and realize that you have done nothing but be honest to yourself.
posted by meerkatty at 5:38 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

I hardly see this as a "new identity". And "slut" is definitely not the identity it would be. To me, a "slut" is someone who sleeps with lots of different people (btw, it's also a term that lots of people have reclaimed and do not consider a pejorative). The only thing you've done here is leave one relationship for a better one.

The argument that relationships take work is, of course, true. But, they take a lot less work if you're with somebody whom you actually love. Staying with somebody whom you don't love just because it's somehow a failure to quit just seems like needless torture to me. Frankly, you sound like you and/or your social group are socially or religiously conservative. Leaving one partner because you love somebody else isn't especially uncommon in the population at large.

Personally, I'd stop thinking of your relationship decision as heralding some sort of new identity. It isn't, unless you've decided that traditional monogamy isn't for you, and you do intend to continually sleep with multiple partners.

Just enjoy your new relationship, and get some new friends.
posted by Netzapper at 5:39 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Although, it should be noted: if you started dating and sleeping with the second dude before you broke up with the first dude, you have violated substantial trust. That doesn't make you a slut, but it would definitely tarnish you in many people's eyes. But, to me at least, it'd be on the same level as you admitting that you'd been embezzling money at work.

Answer's the same, though: new friends.
posted by Netzapper at 5:42 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

We are more than any one decision we make. There is more to you than having left your boyfriend for someone else. Learn from this, and be careful not to let your relationships cross over in the future if it's going to cause you internal strife.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:43 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

You are not a slut, you are someone who made a choice and decided to move on. Your ex is hurt. Your mutual friends see that your ex is hurt and perhaps they are more likely to empathize with him. He probably does not have all the support he needs. If you broke his heart, he probably needs a lot more support than you can imagine. Being on the receiving end of an unwanted breakup is one of the worst traumas a person can go through. You have a new support system. He needs his friends more now than ever. Take a deep breath and realize that you can't have it all. Be thankful that you are happy and have a new person in your life who makes you happy. Focus on that.
posted by katypickle at 5:45 PM on June 1, 2010 [9 favorites]

First of all, you're not a slut.

Most importantly, you're all better off. You're in a happy relationship with a man you love, and your ex isn't wasting his time with someone who doesn't love him or really want to be with him. It isn't that surprising that a lot of your (mutual?) friends sided with him - after all, he was the one who was dumped and you did leave him for another man. That being said, your friends may eventually get over it. If not, they're not worth it and you should find new ones.
posted by kookaburra at 5:49 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Well, you have to figure at least some of those people are just plain jealous of your healthy, non-neurotic sense of agency. So there's that. It's also kind of shitty that people take sides in break-ups, but they do, and that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.

People may think you're a slut (I hate that word) because they believe that you jump from man to man with no regard for their feelings, which are the most important things, and also, who does she think she is, exercising her own agency as if she's a whole, real person? These "concerns" are sociological products of patriarchy, and thus not worth feeling bad about. Slut is a woman-hating word. Slut is a woman-hating concept. Just live your life and don't feel bad because small-minded people think you should.
posted by clockzero at 5:49 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

You made a very adult and mature decision to end your previous relationship when you had questions about your love and commitment level to your ex significant other. If anything, your decision was probably the most compassionate to your ex out of anything else you could have done. Keep repeating this to yourself when you feel former mutual friends are talking about you in a negative light.

I went through a similar situation several years ago, and I found that reconnecting with friends who I had maybe neglected a bit in my previous relationship, and trying to forge new friend relationships with my current significant other by my side helped ease the blow of suddenly being dropped by friends who I thought would understand my side of things.

Bottom line: your friends and former friends will think what they want to about your situation. There is not much you can say currently to change their opinions of you. Perhaps with time, you will be able to reconnect with them (I was able to do this about 2 years after my break up), but there is nothing you can do now except hold your head high, and make new friends. Keep those close who are open minded enough to understand that you made the best decision for your life.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 5:49 PM on June 1, 2010

If there are particular individuals whose loss of friendship you would grieve,

I suggest having coffee with them one-on-one and saying something along the lines of

"I deeply regret that I caused [exboyfriend] pain. But we had really tried to work on our relationship, and it just wasn't working out for us.

I really value your friendship, and I would hate to lose it over this.

You can always talk to me about any questions or concerns about this that you have...

Is there anything that you want to know? Are you feeling angry or hurt towards me, and if so, can you tell me why, so we can talk about that?"

Make it clear that you would never ask them to choose between being friends with [exboyfriend] and being friends with you, and that you are open to listening to their feelings about your breakup (no matter how unreasonable or irrational you think their feelings are, just listen until they have finished speaking, before you respond), and you will probably keep all the friends who were worth keeping.

And, no, leaving relationship A for relationship B definitely doesn't make you a slut.

It makes you someone who makes mistakes = a human being.

If we didn't make mistakes, we would probably have no compassion for other people's mistakes.

At the same time, it might be worth thinking about the hows and whys of how you left relationship A for relationship B - because it would be a shame for everyone if, down the track, you left relationship B for relationship C because of preventable, solvable reasons.
posted by Year of meteors at 5:57 PM on June 1, 2010 [5 favorites]

Maybe you're taking it wrong. It seems like this may be something you have just assumed, and not received any verbal confirmation about. Maybe they don't think you're a slut, maybe they aren't very cool with you right now because of the way they view infidelity in a relationship.

You're not a slut, but it may be connected to something else that you may have done...

I don't know the exact specifics but with the details you gave one of the two things are true:

1. Your community, friends, family, etc...all need to be replaced.

2. They aren't so happy with something else which may or may not be related to the infidelity.

Only you can figure it out. Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 6:10 PM on June 1, 2010

You are most definitely not a slut. Furthermore, the whole shaming culture of slut/virgin needs to die a horrible horrible death, and soon. No one should be ostracized (or celebrated) for their choice of how many/often/varied their sexual partners are.

That said, I think Netzapper makes a good point. If you continued to be in a (presumably) monogamous relationship with your ex while developing a close emotional and/or physical relationship with your new love, than you broke the trust of your old relationship. To put it another way: if (and I dare not assume) you had sexual relations with, or became emotional bonded with, your now lover before breaking things off with your ex, than you had an affair. You cheated.

But if you haven't cheated, and merely moved on, you're just fine. You're an adult. If you've broken off things with your ex in a respectful and caring manner, and then pursued things with your new love, I think you can hold your head high. You can dismiss these allegations of "sluttiness" as no more than petty, dickish behavior from those mad at you.

Human beings are complicated, no more so than their emotions and love. Sometimes we fuck up. Sometimes we make huge mistakes. But we need to embrace those mistakes and recognize them for what they are. We need to take responsibility for the mistakes, and apologize when we've hurt those close to us.

What's important is that you were/are honest with who you choose to be with. Be an adult and be honest with them. And let them be an adult and be honest with you. Being knifed in the back of the heart sucks. It sucks bad. Better to be upfront and honest than hide it all and break the trust of those who you love, and who love you.
posted by whycurious at 6:22 PM on June 1, 2010 [9 favorites]

A few months ago, I fell in love with another man and chose to break up with my boyfriend (nearly fiancé) of several years for him. We've been happy since, but I'm still having trouble coming to terms with the new identity thrust upon me as a slut of some kind.

While I saw it, and still see it as a case of "If I had truly wanted to stay in that relationship, I would have", others paint it in a light of "You should always be faithful to the one you're with; relationships take work. You are a bad person to be in a relationship with if you won't work for it."

Okay, I'm not judging here. Honestly.

I think the slut thing is a red herring. I don't think any of your friends really thinks you're a slut, I think your friends think you're a cheater. Which is kind of a big deal for people. It's one of those things that people think they know about themselves, until push comes to shove. If you're not acknowledging that it's a big deal for people, maybe that's why you're not getting as much sympathy/support as you'd like. Which is not to say that you have to put on a sackcloth and ashes and start whipping yourself, but maybe when you try and reach out to friends mention somehow that you know it's a big deal and that people are going to have strong reactions to it.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:30 PM on June 1, 2010 [9 favorites]

To put it another way: if (and I dare not assume) you had sexual relations with, or became emotional bonded with, your now lover before breaking things off with your ex, than you had an affair. You cheated.

But if you haven't cheated, and merely moved on, you're just fine.

Anon chose "infidelity" as one of their tags.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:31 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

You dated the previous guy for several years but never quite got engaged--I'm going to guess you are all pretty young and he was your first boyfriend? That a big part of your identity (to yourself and others) in high school and maybe college was being part of that pair?

You're not a slut, my friend--you're growing up. People grow and change like crazy in young adulthood (and thank goodness for that). The vast, vast majority of people do NOT marry the first or even second person that they date, or the person they dated in high school.

Go look up the divorce statistics for people who marry young--they're a lot worse than for people who wait til they're in the late 20s and are a little more formed, more sure in their identities. Enjoy your new, better relationship, and you have my permission to move on from there when the time is right, too.
posted by Sublimity at 6:35 PM on June 1, 2010

1. The badness or goodness of the term "slut" is entirely subjective. My experience - as an occasionally promiscuous lady with a colourful sexual history - is that people who sling the term around as a pejorative are simply using it as a way of projecting their issues with sex onto someone else, be those issues jealousy or what-have-you.

2. That being said, your behavior here (unless you're leaving something out, like "when I broke up with my ex I celebrated by prancing naked through the streets, carrying a sign that said 'COME ONE COME ALL TO SEE THE GLORY OF MY NEWLY SINGLE VAG!'") is objectively not slutty. Leaving one long-term, monogamous relationship because you were unsatisfied with it (it sounds like you were?) to form another long-term, monogamous relationship with someone else which will hopefully be more fulfilling then your last one is something non-slutty girls do all the time. Even cheating does not necessarily make you slutty.

3. Cheating on your ex with your current SO, however, does make you someone with a history of infidelity, which might be what your (former) friends are getting all judgey about, even if the only way they know how to express that is "OMG SLUT!" Not that that makes your motivations their business, but it definitely sounds like your former social circle has decided who is to "blame" for your relationship ending. I'd say the "slut" label is just their way of punishing you for that.

4. Identity is what you identify as, not necessarily what you are identified as by other people - identity is a personal thing. You can accept or reject labels as part of your identity; if you want to be a slut, awesome, but if you don't want to be a slut, there's no reason you have to consider that part of your identity (and that decision is also awesome).
posted by ellehumour at 6:54 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

I've been this person- and it is annoying as all hell because even if the ex was a complete jerk, people will still treat you like you just broke up with them and broke their hearts. And those are the people you know to stay away from. Being happy and focusing on your new relationship will either bore them or at the very least give them less to talk about.
posted by haplesschild at 7:01 PM on June 1, 2010

One of the unfortunate side effects of breaking up is that one or both of the people involved will usually also lose the friends they shared. The friends take sides with one person, or distance themselves from both to avoid potential drama. This happens even in the best of breakup circumstances, and it sucks. Sometimes you do everything right and your former friends still end up calling you a list of expletives.

Regardless of the circumstances, or whether anyone is right or wrong in this, these are friends you will need to distance yourself from.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:07 PM on June 1, 2010

What is the male analog for "slut?" A "stud?"

It is 2010, thank God.

To me, a "slut" is someone (male OR female) who has gonads for brains. Who cares not for the carnage they leave behind. That is obviously not the case with you.

Because of that, I don't expect you to "heal" overnight. Because of that I have the deepest respect for you. We all might change the way we approached things in the past. Duh...

But, few of us (I'm 62) who are "good people," have deep regret. Stuff happens. Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. A "slut" is a sniper who targets anonymously. That ain't you.

Peace. (BTW, I'm a male).
posted by private_idaho at 7:08 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

Are you my friend Rachael? Because seriously, this just happened in our circle of friends and it was devastating to all of us. Let me give you our perspective on this. Our friend was in a relationship with a woman we all instantly loved. I have never clicked so well with another woman, ever. 20 months later, she tells him she's not getting the commitment she wants from him. He jumps in, both feet, and totally and completely commits to her because he realizes he truly love her and wants to be with her forever. Two weeks later, she dumps him. One week to the day of the dumping, she announces - on Facebook, no less - that she's met the man of her dreams and she's so lucky. The thing is, this new guy had texted her at a really odd time while she was still with our friend, making us believe she had him waiting in the wings while she strung along our friend.

So our perception is that she cheated on him, which you kind of admit you did, what with the "infidelity" tag. Please understand that it was difficult for all of us, as I imagine it was difficult for your friends. We loved her; they loved you. It's just that infidelity, even if it's not directed at you, is a dealbreaker for a lot of people. Plus, the public announcement kind of thing really kicked us all in the gut - one week after she dumped him! It made all of us wonder what exactly in our relationships was the truth. Lies beget lies.

I don't think my former friend is a slut and I don't think you are, either. If your former friends are calling you that, they're out of line. But you are a person who cheated and lied to people who loved you. In the future, if things aren't working out with the person you're with, leave that person before you fall in love with someone else.
posted by cooker girl at 7:12 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

I should have said, "former friend Rachael."

Also, there's so much more backstory, but suffice to say that none of us was happy to sever ties with her, no matter what she believes about that. If your former friends are decent people, they're probably totally devastated about this, too. Not that there's much comfort in that, I suppose.
posted by cooker girl at 7:21 PM on June 1, 2010

This is what you asked:
How do I cope with being considered a slut?

And this is what you've learned:
If nothing else, I've learned a lot about the drives and motives of women I once foolishly thought of as slutty...

Slut is a sword, generally used to cut down and debase others. It's wielded by those who are not in your position and probably can't understand it and it's used to make you as worse than them, while also elevating them i.e. "at least I'm not a slut like anonymous".

The problem here is that you've reminded your circle of friends of the fragility of love and relationships, that what you've done could also be done to them, to any of us. You've broken one of society's illusions about relationships and the work they require and the idea of "the one" and people will hate you for doing that, hate you for calling into question their own lives and decisions, even if that was not your intent. They will tear you down, to make themselves for better.

I don't know your full story, nor do I or anyone else need to. There are probably some things you could have done better with the whole situation, sure. But your heart has spoken and you've done what's best for you and your life. You're the one that has to come to terms with it and be happy with that and if you are, you owe no one an apology and explanation. Those who would call you slut, those who would condemn you and not try to understand what you've been through are not your friends, nor worthy of your time. If you need to, forgive yourself and try to do better in the future.

It doesn't matter so much how we fall (if you even fell), but rather how we rise from any mistakes we've made.

Best of luck to you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:26 PM on June 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

My aunt started dating a worker who was married and had kids. He got divorced, started dating my aunt, and after 10 years, they finally tied the knot. To this day, it's one of those 'you don't talk about it' things in our family, and we have few of them.

We've never whispered anything about her being a home wrecker or a slut. It's more along the lines of a perpetual, nagging feeling—they weren't loyal! They betrayed our trust! Can we ever forgive them/her? Who is she? What secrets does she have?—especially since she was so secretive about it for so long.

Being secretive about that for so long made her close up about a lot of things. She used to be the life of the party, but now she communicates to most of her sisters via text and lives on the other side of the country. In our minds, she's done nothing to gain back our trust, and not being open was originally why her family grew wary.

I know people will say screw/replace those suckers, and urge you to distance yourself, but I suggest the opposite: be as open and honest with them as possible, and lay it all out on the table. Explain how you're torn and hurt, and how things weren't and aren't all black and white. People side with whomever they initially perceive the victim to be before the initial shock subsides and they can see the nuances. Remember that even the ones who will come around may take some time to do so.
posted by blazingunicorn at 7:27 PM on June 1, 2010 [8 favorites]

Well...assuming from the infidelity tag that you did cheat, that's what I'm basing my answer on:

You know what? We all do shitty things sometimes. Shitty things that we can never make up for and can never make better. Laura Bush, ex-frigging-first-lady, is on some level always going to be "that woman who killed a guy with her car." She can't change that, she's just gotta live with it. If you cheated and everyone knows it, you do have to live with it. You'll know that some people will dislike you forever for it if they know. If you fucked up bad, then you did. All you can do afterwards is (a) try not to act in the same way again if the same situation comes up again later, and (b) accept that you did wrong in not breaking up with the boyfriend first (though realistically, the fact that you fell for someone else while you were not single is enough to damn you with most people anyway.) and that people are going to dislike you on that fact alone.

Eventually, you'll be used to knowing you did that and that everyone had to live with the consequences of it, and you'll eventually move on. The people who don't like you any more because of this will move out of your life, you'll meet new people who don't know you've got the scarlet A across your forehead, you and the new guy will become more of a couple, and your ex...well, hopefully he'll move on. Time will make it hurt less for everyone.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:39 PM on June 1, 2010

It doesn't matter so much how we fall (if you even fell), but rather how we rise from any mistakes we've made.

This strikes me as off the mark. The OP frames the question as "I was unfaithful, and now called a slut, woe is me." She admits no mistake, and takes no responsibility other than to aver her new perspective on women she herself formerly called sluts.

In this day and age, promiscuity is carries less of a stigma than it once did. The word "slut" however, retains its sting despite changing perspectives on sexuality. "Adulteress" is laughably archaic and, of course, can't really be said to apply outside of marriage. "Slut" is simply a placeholder here for a word that doesn't exist in common usage.

As noted above, there are some people for whom infidelity is a dealbreaker, either in a SO or a friend.

Them's the breaks. You'll find new friends eventually.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:51 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Let's see... "almost" isn't the same as "fiance" and "fiance" CERTAINLY isn't the same as married, and those practical differences aside, choosing one man over another is a normal occurrence in this country. I have to think there's a chunk missing from this story, OR that the sense of condemnation you describe as "slut" is coming from within.

Either way, is there something you truly regret about how you behaved? Own it. Promise yourself you will learn from it and do better next time, should there be a next time. If apologies are due, no matter how hard they are, give them.

An apology does not require you to beg forgiveness.
It is an acknowledgement of things done wrong.

Clean the slate in your own head. If there are other people condemning you, it will be easier to deal with them once you have owned your mistakes.
posted by Ys at 8:53 PM on June 1, 2010

Listen. People can hate you for good reason or not. But you can't go back in time and erase it. You have to move forward and like what's good about you -- not by glossing over the bad stuff, but by thinking about the person you want to be and how you'll be that moving forward.

For good reasons or bad reasons, sometimes it's time to move on from a friend group. My friends love me despite some pretty awful things that have gone down in my life. And I have friends who I've said, "Hey, you'll always be my friend, but I won't be friends with girls you date anymore because you're an ass to women." Some people can do that. Some people can't.

Then again, I'm the kind of person that just needs a few close, wonderful friends who get me, even when I'm awful.

Strangers on the internet won't be nicer or kinder or make it all better for you. But you can give yourself permission to move on and be who you want to be. And be slutty for the person you care about, where it will be appreciated.
posted by Gucky at 9:01 PM on June 1, 2010

ps: An apology does not need to be accepted to be complete, it only needs to be sincere. Rejection does not cancel an apologie's value; unlike financial debt, you do not have to agree with the other person's assessment of what was owed in order to satisfy one's conscience.
posted by Ys at 9:03 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Reading between the lines, it looks like you cheated on your now-ex. True? If so, then the cold shoulder is not because you are a slut, but because you're a cheater. Or if you didn't cheat, somehow in the eyes of others you did. I dunno, and you're anonymous, so you can't tell us. But the "slut" part doesn't make sense with what you gave us.

Anyway, nthing these are not your friends. If you did nothing wrong and they don't understand or believe that, then move on. That part hurts, but just keep on going.
posted by zardoz at 9:11 PM on June 1, 2010

If you were cheating for a long time then it's perfectly understandable that your ex and his friends may not have warm feelings for you. It's called being a liar and cheat, not a slut. If you were not cheating, then I think your "friends" are crazy.

Regardless, it sounds like these friends are better friends with your ex than you. New friends is the answer.
posted by xammerboy at 9:12 PM on June 1, 2010

There is no excuse for cheating. I do not blame said friends for giving you the cold shoulder. However, it does not mean you are a "slut". Does it make you a made person, no. You made a shitty decision by cheating and now you have to deal with the consequences.

Next time, break up with the guy first.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 9:28 PM on June 1, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also, find new friends.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 9:29 PM on June 1, 2010

made=bad


no one's perfect.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 9:32 PM on June 1, 2010

I think you should get out of the mindset of classifying people, including yourself, in terms of "slutty" or "not slutty." Because, ew.
posted by desuetude at 10:04 PM on June 1, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think you can take it as gospel that people sleep with whomever they are sufficiently attracted to if it is at all possible. A promise freely given should be kept but if it is no longer possible, the honorable thing to do is to say so, break up and move on.

Sounds like you did that. Nobody owns anyone. If your so-called friends are slut-shaming and judging you, you need new friends.

Still, this is a painful situation and a chance to learn. One day you well may be on the other side of something like this. Forget the slut-shaming but don't forget that disloyalty hurts worse than unfaithfulness.
posted by Anitanola at 10:09 PM on June 1, 2010

Wait, you did--sort of--confess that you cheated by putting "infidelity" as a tag. So your problem isn't that you're a slut, but that you're a cheater. Your question seems both moot and a smokescreen to the your real problem--that you're getting grief for cheating and not for being a "slut". Own up to the reality of what you did, and if you've lost friends over it, take it as a life lesson.
posted by zardoz at 11:26 PM on June 1, 2010

I think the label 'slut' is a bit of a distraction from the real question -- your former friends are judging you for doing something they consider wrong and which perhaps you once considered wrong. Whether you call it 'slut' or 'cheater' is immaterial: you're now labelled, and that is the problem. I think jenfullmoon's and Anitanola's answers are the best ones.

It's easy to look from outside a relationship and judge the person who's committing infidelity, as many of the comments here do, ignoring how messy and complicated and, above all, gradual these situations are, and how one can get caught up in emotion. The fact is, you've done what you did, it's probably hard to regret it given that you're now happier than you were before. Maybe you feel guilty about not regretting it.

I don't think anyone would disagree that breaking a trust is wrong. But it's done now, and you're reaping the consequences. Basically, you have to move on. Speak to your friends, and hope they understand you, but I think you really must just move on from the friends who judge you so harshly. Those who still judge you aren't necessarily 'untrue' friends either. They are the ones who, like some commenters in this thread, feel betrayed because they thought you were better than this, and perhaps lack the empathy to realise that in another story it could have been them.
posted by tavegyl at 1:42 AM on June 2, 2010 [4 favorites]

don't forget that disloyalty hurts worse than unfaithfulness.

What is infidelity if not disloyalty and dishonesty?

I don't think any of your friends really thinks you're a slut, I think your friends think you're a cheater. Which is kind of a big deal for people. It's one of those things that people think they know about themselves, until push comes to shove.

23skidoo has, I think, the wisest perspective. Assuming the reading that you cheated for some time before openly leaving your previous partner for the new guy, well, that's a shitty thing to do, but it's a shitty thing many, many people have fallen into.

Your (perhaps ex-) friends are upset because you behaved badly. Perhaps they no longer trust you. Over time that may fade, and they may decide to accept that, well, shit happens, people make mistakes, and move on, and you may feel like welcoming them back into your life. Or not. Either way, this is one of the fallouts of a messy breakup, and you need to decide how long you wait, and how much work you put into getting back on good terms, or move on and accept that this is a one of the consequences of your decisions.
posted by rodgerd at 3:48 AM on June 2, 2010

22 years ago I ended a relationship with my high school/college boyfriend six weeks before the wedding, because one of his friends and I could no longer deny that we were really, deeply in love with one another.

I note a lot of people above call this sort of thing "a mistake" "a shitty thing" "disloyalty" "dishonesty" "inexcusable" "being a liar and a cheat" etc. I'm here to say that you never know how you will handle that specific situation until you're actually inside it. If you were able to be tempted out of your relationship, it wasn't a solid, happy relationship.

I lost some friends. I kept some friends. There was some drama. But here's the main thing: are you happy with your new partner? Is that relationship strong? Yes? Then ignore the gossip. Just be happy, act normal, be kind to your ex- by not ever saying anything negative about him in public or private. Take all the blame. Make new friends. Don't be ashamed. Don't ever act like you're ashamed. The fact of the matter is that relationships end, and sometimes relationships end because one member of the relationship finds happiness elsewhere. Until you've been deeply in love you can sometimes think that contentment and familiarity are the same thing, but they're not.

Now, so many years on, it doesn't make any difference to anyone the way my relationship with my husband began. We share many friends with my ex- and its not a big deal.

Be happy in your new life.
posted by anastasiav at 5:27 AM on June 2, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm going to go against the grain and assume that you DIDN'T cheat, and that, considering the rather rigid attitudes about romantic and sexual behavior that you and your friends seem to have, you simply were like "you know what, this dude seems cool and I'm super into him even though I barely know him, maybe this old relationship isn't for me." This is not, in my mind, cheating; it's just the reality of life. Or maybe everyone THINKS that you must have cheated because you got lucky and met someone awesome right after the breakup and they don't believe you could have become that close that fast.

We can't all decide to end our relationships based on the purest philosophical reasoning, years in couples counseling, or astrology. Sometimes stuff like this happens.

Okay. So how do you deal. Keep in loose contact with everyone (the occasional hi, what's up) until they grow up and realize that it is okay to be friends with flawed people, you don't have to take sides in every single instance, human relationships are nuanced, or whatever.

Don't give these friends the opportunity to judge you. Stop opening up to them. Don't ask for their approval. Seriously. Just don't. Give it up. If they are the kind of assholes who randomly insert "you suck, you horrible person" into a normal conversation over a cup of coffee, well, stop talking to them.

In the meantime, fuck all of them, make new friends, and stop judging other people for shit that you don't really know about and that has nothing to do with you, because as you've seen, it makes the world a lonelier place. And the world is already lonely enough.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 5:47 AM on June 2, 2010

No one should be ostracized (or celebrated) for their choice of how many/often/varied their sexual partners are.

This. THIS. Jesus, can't we just replace the pledge of allegiance in schools with this exact statement already?
posted by elizardbits at 5:48 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

When a couple breaks up, especially when the circumstances are ugly, the mutual friends basically have to make a choice. They likely chose your ex because he was alone (you were already loving life with the new guy) and it sounds like he had done nothing wrong and you had. It may feel cold, but it would have been very difficult to maintain any relationship with you, while consoling and supporting him through what I can only imagine is a very hard time in his life. Sorry, but it's not all about you. Enjoy your new life, but you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
posted by whoaali at 7:46 AM on June 2, 2010

Everyone is replying and telling you that you're not a slut, which is beside the point. Your question is "how do I cope with being considered a slut?" and whether you are a slut is irrelevant to how you can cope with others considering you one, rightly or wrongly.

I've been in situations similar--and much worse than--yours. I broke up with a boyfriend for his friend. Twice. Another time, I dated my good friend's ex. Hell, dating-wise, I've basically gone through an entire group of friends, one at a time. And it's definitely behavior that sucks, and there are some people in New York City who certainly roll their eyes when my name comes up. But you know what? People get over it. They will get bored talking about it or caring about it. Someone else will do something worse and they'll get distracted. And they themselves will probably do something not-so-great. There but for the grace of god go I, the sanctimonious can say from atop their pillars, but in the process of living, most people do fall off a few times.

So how do you cope with being considered a slut? Hold your head high and own it. If people are cold to you, be cold right back. Judge those who dare to judge you. All's not fair in love and war, but a lot is. You didn't kill anyone. You didn't leave anyone at the altar. You didn't swindle anyone out of thousands of dollars and you didn't abandon anyone with a baby. You decided you loved someone else. You may not have gone about it in the classiest way, but everyone makes a few mistakes. It will pass.
posted by millipede at 9:30 AM on June 2, 2010

You're probably not going to like this answer much:

I note that, in your question, you never say that anyone has actually called you a slut. I'm assuming that this is because nobody has called you a slut, and that you're assuming that they consider you a "slut" (your own word), because (a) you don't know what the word "slut" means and (b) you cheated on the person with whom you were in a committed, long-term relationship and they are not happy about that.

So, first of all: The term "slut" is generally not a descriptor of one who cheats. It is a derogatory term for one who is promicuous. Are you promiscuous? No? Then don't worry. Nobody thinks you're a slut unless they don't understand what the word means.

Second of all: Did you cheat on your boyfriend of many years? Yes? Well, then, regardless of your motivations or how you "felt" at the time or how powerful those feelings were, you betrayed someone, violated their trust, and committed an act that is pretty universally viewed as immoral and unethical. If you wanted to not be in the relationship with your boyfriend anymore, you should have broken up with him. Cheating on him wasn't the same thing as deciding to end the relationship and ending it. It was dishonest and unethical.

Now, does everyone make mistakes of one kind or another in life? Sure.

Does everyone cheat on their long-term significant other? Of course not.

Are you a bad person? Well, I don't really believe there's such a thing as "bad people" and "good people." Are you a person who knowingly did something that is widely viewed as despicable? Yes, you are. But that doesn't mean you're a bad person (or a good person). Are you dishonest? Well, you were mighty dishonest about this particular situation, and it's a big deal, so don't expect anyone who knows about the situation to trust you for a while.

Are your friends justified in ostracizing you? Hell yes. In fact, as friends of your ex-boyfriend, they have a duty to be his friend and be supportive of him, and that can reasonably includes not taking the side of the person who betrayed him. If you didn't fully expect to be vilified and ostracized when you betrayed your long-term boyfriend by cheating on him, then this experience can be a very useful lesson in the painfully obvious: When you betray and hurt someone, their friends will not be happy about it, and people generally are reasonably averse to friendship with known betrayors. Why? Because people don't like being betrayed and they don't like to be friends with people they can't trust.

Now, having said that, I have to add the following: If you didn't cheat on your boyfriend or betray him, none of the above really applies. If you realized your feelings for your current beau and, as a result, broke up with your ex respectfully and honestly before making any sort of romantic move toward your current beau, then none of the above really applies.

Nevertheless, even if you honestly and respectfully broke up with your ex and only then made or reciprocated any advances with regard to your current love interest, the people who are currently ostracizing you aren't necessarily acting in bad faith. They may not believe that you actually were faithful and honest. They may reasonably suspect that you were cheating on your ex before the breakup. Or they may just be reacting emotionally.

But I suspect that you cheated on your ex, given the tags you used for your question. And if that's the case, you should absolutely feel guilty about it, never betray anyone again, and suck it up and accept that, while you're not a slut (unless you truly are unreasonably promiscuous and risky), you are not to be trusted.
posted by The World Famous at 10:47 AM on June 2, 2010 [2 favorites]

One time I had a breakup with a woman and lost all my friends. It was much later that I understood the dynamic involved. She fed them dirt about me. I fed them no dirt about her. They found her entertaining, worthy of hanging onto; they found me boring, worthy of dropping.

After I figured this out I realized it was not so bad a deal at all. Prior to the breakup I was hanging out with a bunch of people who it turns out amused themselves by trashing me. In George Washington's Rules of Civility he writes "it is better to be alone than in bad company."

Your ex- may be the life of the party right now talking crap about you.
posted by bukvich at 11:00 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]

Assuming that you cheated, you basically lied to your ex-boyfriend that you wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with him. You could have ended it when you realized that you were not in love with him anymore and thought that there was someone else better for you, but you made the conscious decision not to do so. Instead, you were probably afraid of being alone or hurting him by breaking up with him, so you went behind his back and got a new SO, while still in the agreement that you were being monogamous to your ex. It was a mistake that you're going to have to learn from. You're suppose to be closer to your SO than you are with your friends, so you're friends are probably wondering "If she betrayed someone who she was closer with than she is with me, how can I expect myself to trust her?"

I personally would probably act the same way if I were your friends. If I saw that one of my friends did something immoral to someone I cared about, like say stealing a $20 out of someone's wallet, I would act wary around that person. If your friends know that you deliberately betrayed your ex's trust, how can you expect them to act the same around you?

I think that you may just have to chalk this up to a learning experience. Human emotions are a very delicate, and a lot of what we do is to avoid pain; emotional or physical. If I cut my finger on a knife cleaning it, god knows that I'm going to be extremely cautious in the future when cleaning it again. For your friends, they may just be thinking "there's a good chance that anonymous could cause me great emotional pain by betraying my trust. I've seen her do it to her ex, so I'm going to distance myself from her, because I don't want to potentially feel that pain." That's just my two cents, so take it for what it's worth.
posted by MeanderingSun at 1:51 PM on June 2, 2010

The entire point of a relationship is it being MUTUAL. This means that not only do you have the right to end the relationship, but are entitled to fall out of love with that person if your feelings dictate. Therefore, you have a right to do what you did, even if it is a little unconventional and/or controversial. People will judge you whatever way you slice it. If you had stayed in that relationship and was "faithful", then you would have been miserable - and I'm sure some people would get all judgey-judgerson saying that you did the wrong thing also. The bottom line is that there will always be people who either support your actions or do not support your actions.

For the record, I've never cheated before and don't condone that behavior (but that's just me), BUT I have ended some pretty horrible relationships and I have lost some friends over any given one of those scenarios. Breakups happen all the time. People lose friends and allies all the time over breakups - it's just part of your friends' coping mechanisms. Some people take sides, others stay away entirely. YOU cannot control what these people choose to do. The only thing that you can do is pick yourself up, brush yourself off and ignore their choice words. And finally, I think you should be happy for recognizing that things were not working (even if things did go the way that they went). You should also be happy that you are realizing who your "friends" truly are. Friends don't call friends sluts over situations like this, and real friends certainly realize that there are two sides to every story before sputtering off such comments. Your main concern should be being kind to yourself right now, and realize that there is a giant world out there filled with people and possibilities that you haven't even considered yet - new friends included.

Mourn the situation if you have to, then move on. Don't waste your time worrying about what those other people think. If they truly are friends they will come back around, and if they are even better friends, they will apologize.
posted by floweredfish at 10:54 AM on June 3, 2010

Is there any chance you have some guilt over this and are punishing yourself by imagining your friends feeling what YOU might feel?
posted by agentwills at 4:34 PM on June 3, 2010