This is not the right side of the bed.
May 31, 2010 2:01 PM Subscribe
What are some good strategies for fixing things when you started out on slightly bad terms?
Basically I got off on the wrong foot with a small group of people who I'm going to see daily for a year as we'll be sharing some common space. Someone promised them a favor and because of a miscommunication (not my fault) and a slight mistake (my fault), they didn't get as nice a favor as they expected, although they still got a favor. I explained the workings of the mistake, and apologized very nicely several times for my part in it. Now they seem to be preemptively getting bossier and more demanding with me, communicating in a snotty and condescending tone that really rankles. Today they left a message that some minor thing they thought I did "was quite disappointing" and my head almost exploded. I realize that maybe they aren't even aware of the tone, and this could just be their way of trying to be "professional" with me, but for pete's sake, I'm not gonna put up with being scolded.
It's probably also relevant that they're 25 year old men; I'm a 32 year old woman who is usually mistaken for 22. Being talked down to by young guys makes my eye twitch; I know for a fact that these guys wouldn't talk to a man like this. While I've been nice so far, I'm extravagantly capable of telling them off; the thing is, I don't want to. I don't need to punish them, I just want this tone to go far away and stay there. Right now I'm just letting it slide and trying to accommodate their sometimes rather unreasonable requests without comment for the first little while, hoping they just calm down naturally. But I really want to nip the condescension in the bud, and seeming submissive right now probably won't help that.
How do I shift things back to a nice way of communicating, and subtly teach them to check their tone with me? Right now I know we're all on edge because of the changes; I'm cool to let stuff wash, I don't think they're bad people, and I really just want us to be friendly and polite. I already left them some beer and snacks, which they appreciated, and I think next week I'll invite them out, buy them a round of drinks and have some friendly chitchat. But we have a year here and I want to do as much as I can to smooth things over right from the start.
What else could I do?
Basically I got off on the wrong foot with a small group of people who I'm going to see daily for a year as we'll be sharing some common space. Someone promised them a favor and because of a miscommunication (not my fault) and a slight mistake (my fault), they didn't get as nice a favor as they expected, although they still got a favor. I explained the workings of the mistake, and apologized very nicely several times for my part in it. Now they seem to be preemptively getting bossier and more demanding with me, communicating in a snotty and condescending tone that really rankles. Today they left a message that some minor thing they thought I did "was quite disappointing" and my head almost exploded. I realize that maybe they aren't even aware of the tone, and this could just be their way of trying to be "professional" with me, but for pete's sake, I'm not gonna put up with being scolded.
It's probably also relevant that they're 25 year old men; I'm a 32 year old woman who is usually mistaken for 22. Being talked down to by young guys makes my eye twitch; I know for a fact that these guys wouldn't talk to a man like this. While I've been nice so far, I'm extravagantly capable of telling them off; the thing is, I don't want to. I don't need to punish them, I just want this tone to go far away and stay there. Right now I'm just letting it slide and trying to accommodate their sometimes rather unreasonable requests without comment for the first little while, hoping they just calm down naturally. But I really want to nip the condescension in the bud, and seeming submissive right now probably won't help that.
How do I shift things back to a nice way of communicating, and subtly teach them to check their tone with me? Right now I know we're all on edge because of the changes; I'm cool to let stuff wash, I don't think they're bad people, and I really just want us to be friendly and polite. I already left them some beer and snacks, which they appreciated, and I think next week I'll invite them out, buy them a round of drinks and have some friendly chitchat. But we have a year here and I want to do as much as I can to smooth things over right from the start.
What else could I do?
subtly teach them to check their tone
I wouldn't try to be subtle. Subtle can backfire big time--if they understand your meaning, they'll likely think you're condescending to them, and if they don't understand your meaning, you'll be that much more peeved that they're oblivious. How about, "Brad, I like your group and am looking forward to working together, but your requests to me have been pretty condescending the past week or so--I don't need to know how 'disappointed' you are in my work, I just need to know what you'd like me to do differently, k?"
It's ok to say specifically, "I'd prefer if you talked to me X way." It's not rude, and it's not necessarily alienating. Keep things light--this isn't about shaming them--and be clear about what you want. They don't need to acknowledge that they behaved badly: they just need to know that, going forward, you expect to be treated or spoken to in a particular way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:33 PM on May 31, 2010 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't try to be subtle. Subtle can backfire big time--if they understand your meaning, they'll likely think you're condescending to them, and if they don't understand your meaning, you'll be that much more peeved that they're oblivious. How about, "Brad, I like your group and am looking forward to working together, but your requests to me have been pretty condescending the past week or so--I don't need to know how 'disappointed' you are in my work, I just need to know what you'd like me to do differently, k?"
It's ok to say specifically, "I'd prefer if you talked to me X way." It's not rude, and it's not necessarily alienating. Keep things light--this isn't about shaming them--and be clear about what you want. They don't need to acknowledge that they behaved badly: they just need to know that, going forward, you expect to be treated or spoken to in a particular way.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:33 PM on May 31, 2010 [4 favorites]
When I want to get something done, I lower my voice by a register or two. Avoid pleasantries beyond an introductory "hey this is x." Don't end sentences with questions, like "ok?, which makes your voice go up. Use phrases like "I want" and "I'd like for you to...," instead of "would you mind" or "do you think." In fact, the pronoun "you" used in the right way gets a lot across. In a question it's a disaster. Finally, don't tell them off, that'll just look like you lost your temper and that's what jerks expect you to do. Like I said, keep your voice level and low. Just my impressions from thirty-some years of dealing with jerks.
posted by vincele at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by vincele at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not really feeling the nuances of the relationship from your post. Are you interactions through work itself or just physical proximity? Are you their superior? If you are, you shouldn't get too buddy-buddy anyway. If you're not, why is their "scolding" pissing you off so much?
I know for a fact that these guys wouldn't talk to a man like this.
Do you? How?
I know it's a stereotype, but a lot of young people don't have their "professional" tone down yet, and are a little klutzy in their work interpersonal dealings (especially true in certain industries). Viewing yourself as a victim of gender discrimination is not going to help the situation and you're probably wrong about it anyway.
Leaving beer at work sounds strange, and going out with them could make things worse if you have the superior-manager-etc. thing to worry about.
I'm the type of person to be forthright in situations like this and avoid the emotional, manipulative guesswork of "tone" altogether. If they say or write something inappropriate (again, depending on your relationship), you could respond with "I got the feeling from your message that I am not meeting your expectations. How can we work this out so we are both satisfied during the coming year?"
Also, bringing in donuts or bagels one morning per week might be helpful.
posted by funfetti at 2:36 PM on May 31, 2010
I know for a fact that these guys wouldn't talk to a man like this.
Do you? How?
I know it's a stereotype, but a lot of young people don't have their "professional" tone down yet, and are a little klutzy in their work interpersonal dealings (especially true in certain industries). Viewing yourself as a victim of gender discrimination is not going to help the situation and you're probably wrong about it anyway.
Leaving beer at work sounds strange, and going out with them could make things worse if you have the superior-manager-etc. thing to worry about.
I'm the type of person to be forthright in situations like this and avoid the emotional, manipulative guesswork of "tone" altogether. If they say or write something inappropriate (again, depending on your relationship), you could respond with "I got the feeling from your message that I am not meeting your expectations. How can we work this out so we are both satisfied during the coming year?"
Also, bringing in donuts or bagels one morning per week might be helpful.
posted by funfetti at 2:36 PM on May 31, 2010
It would be helpful to know the context here.
What is the shared space for? Are you freelancers sharing a studio? Bands sharing a rehearsal space?
Were you there first? were they? or did you all start sharing at the same time?
what do they want from you and vice versa -- i.e. why do you have to interact beyond chit chat? Do you have borrow each other's things? or arrange scheduling of space? arrange shared clean up duties?
posted by girlpublisher at 2:41 PM on May 31, 2010
What is the shared space for? Are you freelancers sharing a studio? Bands sharing a rehearsal space?
Were you there first? were they? or did you all start sharing at the same time?
what do they want from you and vice versa -- i.e. why do you have to interact beyond chit chat? Do you have borrow each other's things? or arrange scheduling of space? arrange shared clean up duties?
posted by girlpublisher at 2:41 PM on May 31, 2010
Right now I'm just letting it slide and trying to accommodate their sometimes rather unreasonable requests without comment for the first little while, hoping they just calm down naturally.
This is not going to work. They are not mind-readers. If a request is unreasonable, or a tone is snotty and condescending, clue them in. 25 year olds by definition don't have a whole hell of a lot of professional experience. If they are new, and you are an insider, you can frame it as explaining the culture of the place. If you are new, or all of you are new, you can say "hey, we are going to be seeing a lot of each other over the next year, let's talk about how we handle X in a way that works for everyone."
The snotty/condescending/unreasonable thing I have managed with raising my eyebrows, no trace of a smile, and saying "you want to try that again?" (Note this really only works with peers.) Some people really have no clue how snotty they can sound until they are called on it. *After* you've cleared the air about the snotty/condescending thing, *then* you can all go out for drinks or whatever and have some friendly chitchat.
posted by ambrosia at 3:03 PM on May 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is not going to work. They are not mind-readers. If a request is unreasonable, or a tone is snotty and condescending, clue them in. 25 year olds by definition don't have a whole hell of a lot of professional experience. If they are new, and you are an insider, you can frame it as explaining the culture of the place. If you are new, or all of you are new, you can say "hey, we are going to be seeing a lot of each other over the next year, let's talk about how we handle X in a way that works for everyone."
The snotty/condescending/unreasonable thing I have managed with raising my eyebrows, no trace of a smile, and saying "you want to try that again?" (Note this really only works with peers.) Some people really have no clue how snotty they can sound until they are called on it. *After* you've cleared the air about the snotty/condescending thing, *then* you can all go out for drinks or whatever and have some friendly chitchat.
posted by ambrosia at 3:03 PM on May 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't think you're going to win them over with bribery of beer and food, that wouldn't win my respect - if I don't like you and you buy me and my colleagues a round of drinks, it would just make me think that I have the upper hand in our relationship and you're desperate to get on my good side. I'd be more polite to your face perhaps, but my respect for you and your work wouldn't improve. I probably wouldn't stop taking advantage of you either. And if it becomes a regular thing I would expect it, it wouldn't be an act of kindness anymore, and if you stop I wouldn't be happy with you either.
Improving your assertiveness is what would shift my perspective of you. For one, bring the apologies to a minimum. How to get them to check their tone, but not go overboard with bitchiness and giving them the idea you're psycho? Start with what you'd say if you were to tell them off (probably too over-the-top). Scale it down to about 10% intensity, make it cool, short, and to the point... and do that regularly. It is perfectly fine to calmly tell them that you don't appreciate being talked down to, you are a professional and they should address you in a professional manner. Tell them every time. (This would be effective with an eyebrow raise, eventually all it will take is a stern look.) Don't get upset, just be matter-of-fact. Don't be afraid to say no to their demands. If they're asking too much, tell them to what extent you are willing to help them, and it's ok if that's simply a "no". Consistency is key.
posted by lizbunny at 3:28 PM on May 31, 2010 [3 favorites]
Improving your assertiveness is what would shift my perspective of you. For one, bring the apologies to a minimum. How to get them to check their tone, but not go overboard with bitchiness and giving them the idea you're psycho? Start with what you'd say if you were to tell them off (probably too over-the-top). Scale it down to about 10% intensity, make it cool, short, and to the point... and do that regularly. It is perfectly fine to calmly tell them that you don't appreciate being talked down to, you are a professional and they should address you in a professional manner. Tell them every time. (This would be effective with an eyebrow raise, eventually all it will take is a stern look.) Don't get upset, just be matter-of-fact. Don't be afraid to say no to their demands. If they're asking too much, tell them to what extent you are willing to help them, and it's ok if that's simply a "no". Consistency is key.
posted by lizbunny at 3:28 PM on May 31, 2010 [3 favorites]
Stop treating them so nicely while they are still treating you like a doormat. No more perks or rewards until they drop the attitude/stop wording things snidely. By giving them things (bagels/donuts in the morning, beer at work (??), invites out for drinks, etc.), you're reinforcing the idea that they can treat you like a lesser person. Unlike Funfetti, I understand what you seem to have said about the male/female dynamic in an office setting - sexist ideas and treatment is far more pervasive that what men (and some women) might realize; I've seen numerous examples of how women are treated worse simply because they are female - it's the "he's in charge if he does x; she's a bitch if she does the same" mechanism. That said, perhaps this is just the result of 25yo males being stupid about work interactions.
Be upfront and tell the sender of this most recent message (that the group is 'disappointed' in you) that the tone is unacceptable.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 3:31 PM on May 31, 2010
Be upfront and tell the sender of this most recent message (that the group is 'disappointed' in you) that the tone is unacceptable.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 3:31 PM on May 31, 2010
I know it's a stereotype, but a lot of young people don't have their "professional" tone down yet
Yes. This is often especially true in electronic communications. We use MBA/Masters level interns who have a few years of professional experience and probably a third of them have extremely problematic email skills. In our company culture we use salutations on email (ex. Hi Bob). When people don't use that salutation it seems curt. However, the interns were raised in a Blackberry/SMS world where a salutation seems antiquated. When I mention that to interns, they look at me as though I just ambled in from the Victorian age. I usually ask the interns to notice how the senior people in the company structure their emails. Suddenly a "Hi Bob" seems entirely appropriate. Don't assume that they were trying to be dickish. You may be running into something similar; they may just not have the ear for appropriate professional correspondence.
You've got a couple of options.
• You can hope it blows over - this one rarely seems to work unless this issue is quite minor.
• You can kiss their butts and hope to ingratiate yourself - rarely works and you'll be resentful even if it does.
• You can extend the olive branch - clearly indicate that you're doing something in hopes of building a better relationship. This one is about 50/50 on working. Chances are better if both sides want a resolution.
• You can escalate to apocalyptic bickering - sometimes fun and satisfying, but an energy suck.
Personally, I go with the olive branch. You've got the high road at that point which is usually the best strategic position in an office skirmish.
posted by 26.2 at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2010
Yes. This is often especially true in electronic communications. We use MBA/Masters level interns who have a few years of professional experience and probably a third of them have extremely problematic email skills. In our company culture we use salutations on email (ex. Hi Bob). When people don't use that salutation it seems curt. However, the interns were raised in a Blackberry/SMS world where a salutation seems antiquated. When I mention that to interns, they look at me as though I just ambled in from the Victorian age. I usually ask the interns to notice how the senior people in the company structure their emails. Suddenly a "Hi Bob" seems entirely appropriate. Don't assume that they were trying to be dickish. You may be running into something similar; they may just not have the ear for appropriate professional correspondence.
You've got a couple of options.
• You can hope it blows over - this one rarely seems to work unless this issue is quite minor.
• You can kiss their butts and hope to ingratiate yourself - rarely works and you'll be resentful even if it does.
• You can extend the olive branch - clearly indicate that you're doing something in hopes of building a better relationship. This one is about 50/50 on working. Chances are better if both sides want a resolution.
• You can escalate to apocalyptic bickering - sometimes fun and satisfying, but an energy suck.
Personally, I go with the olive branch. You've got the high road at that point which is usually the best strategic position in an office skirmish.
posted by 26.2 at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2010
I should clarify that olive branch means some professional item. You are not the party hostess and you should not be bringing food and alcohol. As for buying a round beers, I socialize with people I genuinely like. This isn't high school; you don't need to suck up to the cool kids in hopes that they'll let you sit at their lunch table. In fact, it's counter productive. If you find their behavior offensive, then don't reward it.
You don't need to be friends with people at work. You need to have mutual respect, honesty and courtesy. That doesn't always translate to happy hours and company softball teams. That's absolutely okay. It flies in the face of how women are socialized in some cultures, but really you aren't the hostess or the mommy.
posted by 26.2 at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2010
You don't need to be friends with people at work. You need to have mutual respect, honesty and courtesy. That doesn't always translate to happy hours and company softball teams. That's absolutely okay. It flies in the face of how women are socialized in some cultures, but really you aren't the hostess or the mommy.
posted by 26.2 at 4:07 PM on May 31, 2010
Best answer: While I've been nice so far, I'm extravagantly capable of telling them off; the thing is, I don't want to. I don't need to punish them, I just want this tone to go far away and stay there. Right now I'm just letting it slide and trying to accommodate their sometimes rather unreasonable requests without comment for the first little while, hoping they just calm down naturally. But I really want to nip the condescension in the bud, and seeming submissive right now probably won't help that.
Your scale goes straight from "nice" to "scathing?" I think when you don't want to be confrontational it's easy to fall into a sort of mental trap, and I know I've done this myself -- "if I'm going to confront them, I'm gonna REALLY do it."
But there's plenty of middle ground. I feel like you gloss right past your own answer -- stop being so submissive. Be professional but firm. Stop accommodating their unreasonable requests and call them out on their snitty language by asking them what they mean, exactly.
posted by desuetude at 4:11 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your scale goes straight from "nice" to "scathing?" I think when you don't want to be confrontational it's easy to fall into a sort of mental trap, and I know I've done this myself -- "if I'm going to confront them, I'm gonna REALLY do it."
But there's plenty of middle ground. I feel like you gloss right past your own answer -- stop being so submissive. Be professional but firm. Stop accommodating their unreasonable requests and call them out on their snitty language by asking them what they mean, exactly.
posted by desuetude at 4:11 PM on May 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the feedback so far. This interaction is not at work; we are all tenants in the same building. I'm their go-between for the landlord, and we share some common space. They were pissed that the previous tenant left some junk behind (they didn't realize at the time that some of it was mine), and that due to my mistake they got possession of the unit two days early, instead of the four days early they were hoping for. I'm not their superior, nor their inferior; we're equals, but as the longer-running tenant, I would expect less bossing and more respect from them. I would never have spoken to the previous super the way they spoke to me today.
At the least, we'll meet face to face once a day for the next year. At best, we'll share a pleasant drink on the porch a few times this summer and a chuckle in the hallway every couple days, which was my very satisfactory relationship with the tenants they replaced. So it is definitely in my best interest to be on good terms; I could put the smack down but I don't need the drama.
I think I could have handled the crappy tone in person with a raised-eyebrow, but it was a voice message, so I thought responding by message or email was likely to escalate things. My chosen response was to ignore the message, and deal with some of the stuff they were complaining about myself, allowing them to see how real adults deal with minor things: by just solving the problem, not complaining about it.
I know they wouldn't treat an "adult" man like this because I saw their very polite, respectful tone with the 50 year old landlord. There's no WAY they'd be telling him they're "disappointed", so instead they vented at me and then demanded that I get him to come fix the minor things they were griping about (which they were exaggerating, and which are NOT the kind of thing you bug your landlord about).
As for leaving the beer and snacks, I left it before they left the snotty message, and they left the message before realizing the beer was there. So it might have helped already, I guess. Good call on the doormat behavior of taking them for a drink though- in general I tend to err on the side of being too harsh, so sometimes I have a hard time calibrating my soft behavior. I see how that looks desperate; I won't do it, thanks.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:11 PM on May 31, 2010
At the least, we'll meet face to face once a day for the next year. At best, we'll share a pleasant drink on the porch a few times this summer and a chuckle in the hallway every couple days, which was my very satisfactory relationship with the tenants they replaced. So it is definitely in my best interest to be on good terms; I could put the smack down but I don't need the drama.
I think I could have handled the crappy tone in person with a raised-eyebrow, but it was a voice message, so I thought responding by message or email was likely to escalate things. My chosen response was to ignore the message, and deal with some of the stuff they were complaining about myself, allowing them to see how real adults deal with minor things: by just solving the problem, not complaining about it.
I know they wouldn't treat an "adult" man like this because I saw their very polite, respectful tone with the 50 year old landlord. There's no WAY they'd be telling him they're "disappointed", so instead they vented at me and then demanded that I get him to come fix the minor things they were griping about (which they were exaggerating, and which are NOT the kind of thing you bug your landlord about).
As for leaving the beer and snacks, I left it before they left the snotty message, and they left the message before realizing the beer was there. So it might have helped already, I guess. Good call on the doormat behavior of taking them for a drink though- in general I tend to err on the side of being too harsh, so sometimes I have a hard time calibrating my soft behavior. I see how that looks desperate; I won't do it, thanks.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:11 PM on May 31, 2010
Response by poster: * Oh, and by "possession of the unit" I mean being allowed in to clean, not to move in and sleep there. My mistake inconvenienced them, but it didn't leave them homeless or anything.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:14 PM on May 31, 2010
posted by pseudostrabismus at 4:14 PM on May 31, 2010
Why are you the liaison between other tenants and their landlord?
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:29 PM on May 31, 2010
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:29 PM on May 31, 2010
Ah, please disregard my previous comment then. Sometimes some people with less life experience feel that the way to handle "adult" situations is to be an ass -- as if "bossy" equals "adult". I would just lay it all out for them so they understand how this interaction works, like this (in person, with an I'm-trying-to-get-along smile):
"Hey guys. Look, I got your message that you were not happy. We're trying to do right by you -- giving you access to your apartment several days early, putting beer in your fridge -- but the tone of your messages, and the way you said you were "disappointed" in me like you are speaking to a child, makes me wonder if you know it. We've all got to live here in the same building. I'd like for us to get along, but it's your choice.
If you would prefer to not get along, then we need to be professional and formal. That would mean all requests in writing [etc., put in some of the formal ways you could communicate so that everyone has everything in writing]. Like I said, I'd prefer the friendly approach. Think it over. I'll take your lead on this."
posted by Houstonian at 4:29 PM on May 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Hey guys. Look, I got your message that you were not happy. We're trying to do right by you -- giving you access to your apartment several days early, putting beer in your fridge -- but the tone of your messages, and the way you said you were "disappointed" in me like you are speaking to a child, makes me wonder if you know it. We've all got to live here in the same building. I'd like for us to get along, but it's your choice.
If you would prefer to not get along, then we need to be professional and formal. That would mean all requests in writing [etc., put in some of the formal ways you could communicate so that everyone has everything in writing]. Like I said, I'd prefer the friendly approach. Think it over. I'll take your lead on this."
posted by Houstonian at 4:29 PM on May 31, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wait, so they're your neighbors? Why are you in a position to be the go-between with the landlord? Do you have an official title or some type of financial arrangement that makes it advantageous to you (and legal for you) to continue acting on his behalf? If not, stop all of this--"Guys, [Landlord] asked me to take care of a few things, and I've done those specific things, but from now on, you have to go directly to him: I can't help you with any more of this stuff, but here's [Landlord's] cell phone and home phone numbers."
They're being bossy because they think they're in a position to do so: the person who takes care of cleaning and coordinating in an apartment building on behalf of the landlord is supposed to cater to the tenants, and is supposed to rectify any problems with the tenants' move-in. This doesn't make it right or acceptable for them to be rude to you (or to anyone representing the landlord), but it does explain why they feel entitled to be demanding. They're likely not viewing you as a neighbor who knows the landlord: they're viewing you as the landlord's proxy.
I still stand by my assertion that it's ok to tell people how you want to be addressed and that you should be clear with these guys when they're rude to you, but in your situation, I think it's also critical for you to extract yourself from being the go-between.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:41 PM on May 31, 2010
They're being bossy because they think they're in a position to do so: the person who takes care of cleaning and coordinating in an apartment building on behalf of the landlord is supposed to cater to the tenants, and is supposed to rectify any problems with the tenants' move-in. This doesn't make it right or acceptable for them to be rude to you (or to anyone representing the landlord), but it does explain why they feel entitled to be demanding. They're likely not viewing you as a neighbor who knows the landlord: they're viewing you as the landlord's proxy.
I still stand by my assertion that it's ok to tell people how you want to be addressed and that you should be clear with these guys when they're rude to you, but in your situation, I think it's also critical for you to extract yourself from being the go-between.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:41 PM on May 31, 2010
That's a different situation than I originally thought. Do you manage the building or serve some function for the landlord? Why do you serve as the go-between in someone's lease arrangement without compensation. Why were they calling you about a maintenance issue? If you are both tenants, then you are both equal. (You don't get a tenure respect bonus.) If you work for the landlord or you are the super, then they have a right to complain to you about a problem.
You think you have a bad neighbor situation. They think they have a "my landlord screwed me before I even moved in" situation. Two days doesn't seem like much, unless it's two days of a coordinated move. Maybe they planned to clean the new place and move stuff, then clean the old place. Maybe those 2 days meant they lost out on some planned moving help from friends.
It doesn't fix the issue of their tone. If I thought you were the super and you weren't fixing issues, I'd be disappointed too. Depending on the lease agreement, I'd be a bit miffed that you entered my space to leave me a gift. Landlords and their agents give notice before entering.
Maybe this could be cleared up by simply clarifying what your role is - when they call you and when they call the landlord. There may also need to be some clarification on the level of maintenance and service in the building.
posted by 26.2 at 6:07 PM on May 31, 2010
You think you have a bad neighbor situation. They think they have a "my landlord screwed me before I even moved in" situation. Two days doesn't seem like much, unless it's two days of a coordinated move. Maybe they planned to clean the new place and move stuff, then clean the old place. Maybe those 2 days meant they lost out on some planned moving help from friends.
It doesn't fix the issue of their tone. If I thought you were the super and you weren't fixing issues, I'd be disappointed too. Depending on the lease agreement, I'd be a bit miffed that you entered my space to leave me a gift. Landlords and their agents give notice before entering.
Maybe this could be cleared up by simply clarifying what your role is - when they call you and when they call the landlord. There may also need to be some clarification on the level of maintenance and service in the building.
posted by 26.2 at 6:07 PM on May 31, 2010
Ok, now it seems like a totally different situation than the one I was imagining involving work. Disregard my previous comment also. The advice since has been solid, and I can't add much to it.
I have to agree with Meg_Murray, they're being demanding because they see their well-being as your issue if you're the liaison - it sounds like you consider yourself the "head tenant", so if that's your arrangement with the landlord (to take care of his tenants' problems with moving-in dates, etc.) then they are just asking you to perform the duties they assume, based on their interaction with you, that you're responsible for.
Of course none of that gives anyone a right to be rude or unreasonably demanding, but I think that their deference to the landlord himself is perhaps explained by the fact that he actually has the legal powers of a landlord and you don't.
And LOLAttorney, I definitely wasn't saying that gender discrimination doesn't happen, because I know it does and it's wrong. It just seems...premature to immediately go on the defensive and assume that they're chauvinistic pigs, which is a fairly serious accusation. What if these tenants are some minority and they sincerely thought you were being racist by not letting them in early and/or not fixing their minor inconveniences?
posted by funfetti at 6:18 PM on May 31, 2010
I have to agree with Meg_Murray, they're being demanding because they see their well-being as your issue if you're the liaison - it sounds like you consider yourself the "head tenant", so if that's your arrangement with the landlord (to take care of his tenants' problems with moving-in dates, etc.) then they are just asking you to perform the duties they assume, based on their interaction with you, that you're responsible for.
Of course none of that gives anyone a right to be rude or unreasonably demanding, but I think that their deference to the landlord himself is perhaps explained by the fact that he actually has the legal powers of a landlord and you don't.
And LOLAttorney, I definitely wasn't saying that gender discrimination doesn't happen, because I know it does and it's wrong. It just seems...premature to immediately go on the defensive and assume that they're chauvinistic pigs, which is a fairly serious accusation. What if these tenants are some minority and they sincerely thought you were being racist by not letting them in early and/or not fixing their minor inconveniences?
posted by funfetti at 6:18 PM on May 31, 2010
Response by poster: The comment that really resonates with me is this:
>Your scale goes straight from "nice" to "scathing?"
Yes, it totally does, and suddenly it's obvious that that's ridiculous. I'm going to work on the nuances between "doormat" and "nuclear explosion"; I think somewhere in the middle is a right answer for this situation. Already this evening, they've made another request, this one very reasonable, and phrased very politely; my response was to deal with it promptly and communicate the outcome to everyone's satisfaction, so maybe that six-pack of beer (left, by the way, in their unit before they had possession; I wasn't sneaking into anyone's bedroom with a cookie or something) greased the wheels more than it seemed to at first.
Thanks all for the advice.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:01 PM on May 31, 2010
>Your scale goes straight from "nice" to "scathing?"
Yes, it totally does, and suddenly it's obvious that that's ridiculous. I'm going to work on the nuances between "doormat" and "nuclear explosion"; I think somewhere in the middle is a right answer for this situation. Already this evening, they've made another request, this one very reasonable, and phrased very politely; my response was to deal with it promptly and communicate the outcome to everyone's satisfaction, so maybe that six-pack of beer (left, by the way, in their unit before they had possession; I wasn't sneaking into anyone's bedroom with a cookie or something) greased the wheels more than it seemed to at first.
Thanks all for the advice.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:01 PM on May 31, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'd get super-professional, bordering on chilly, until their behavior improves. From your tags, I take it this is in the workplace. There's nothing wrong with being ultra-professional, just-about-business, no chitchat, treating everyone politely but not friendly, in the workplace.
posted by Houstonian at 2:21 PM on May 31, 2010 [2 favorites]