A Sexless Love Life?
May 24, 2010 1:57 PM
How do I face feeling essentially bereaved over the fact that I feel only a meager sexual spark for my boyfriend, who I love and respect and adore and have fun with? I have every intention of staying together with him, in a monogamous relationship. Any advice or book recommendations or outlandish concepts are welcome. A longer explanation to follow.
I have only felt very attracted to one boyfriend in the past. I finally figured out why everyone was so excited about sex, and it took me until my late 20s to discover it! With him, even while hugging there was a huge exchange of powerful sexual energy pulsing between us. At the time, I figured that this unique sexual attraction meant that we were destined to remain together-- Especially since I really enjoyed being with him, and he made life feel more lush and interesting. It wasn't a drama-filled angry-passion relationship, but a supportive, fun relationship. But at a certain point, I realized that he wasn't the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Now, I am with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But my levels of sexual attraction are back to where they used to be with every other partner. For the first few months there was sexual attraction, but then it completely dissipated. We both want a monogamous relationship, and we are both sure that we want to stay together for the long haul. (He is the one who is most committed to the monogamy, though I would have understood if he wanted to seek sex outside the relationship. But he is fully committed, and so am I.) This is exciting, because we have a ridiculous amount of fun together, and have all kinds of great plans, and life is just plain better when we are together.
My main questions are: 1) is there really a way to heat up a relationship where one person really feels disinterested in sex? Any answers from people who have found themselves in a marriage like this? 2) Does this mean we are not chemically compatible? If not, is it worth it to consider walking away from someone who I feel fantastic with because of this one (albeit important to many people) problem? Or is this another example of an idealized image of marriage where every desire is fulfilled by someone else? I don't want to fall into that kind of thinking trap. I know some people have marriages and relationships where sex is not central, and I would love to hear ideas about how to navigate it. 3) How do I face feeling real loss over the fact that I will never again feel the magic of a powerful sexual relationship with my partner? Ultimately I can get over it, but this is kind of an unusual thing that isn't talked about too often, and I'm not sure what perspective would help me with getting over it. Thanks for your time.
I have only felt very attracted to one boyfriend in the past. I finally figured out why everyone was so excited about sex, and it took me until my late 20s to discover it! With him, even while hugging there was a huge exchange of powerful sexual energy pulsing between us. At the time, I figured that this unique sexual attraction meant that we were destined to remain together-- Especially since I really enjoyed being with him, and he made life feel more lush and interesting. It wasn't a drama-filled angry-passion relationship, but a supportive, fun relationship. But at a certain point, I realized that he wasn't the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Now, I am with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But my levels of sexual attraction are back to where they used to be with every other partner. For the first few months there was sexual attraction, but then it completely dissipated. We both want a monogamous relationship, and we are both sure that we want to stay together for the long haul. (He is the one who is most committed to the monogamy, though I would have understood if he wanted to seek sex outside the relationship. But he is fully committed, and so am I.) This is exciting, because we have a ridiculous amount of fun together, and have all kinds of great plans, and life is just plain better when we are together.
My main questions are: 1) is there really a way to heat up a relationship where one person really feels disinterested in sex? Any answers from people who have found themselves in a marriage like this? 2) Does this mean we are not chemically compatible? If not, is it worth it to consider walking away from someone who I feel fantastic with because of this one (albeit important to many people) problem? Or is this another example of an idealized image of marriage where every desire is fulfilled by someone else? I don't want to fall into that kind of thinking trap. I know some people have marriages and relationships where sex is not central, and I would love to hear ideas about how to navigate it. 3) How do I face feeling real loss over the fact that I will never again feel the magic of a powerful sexual relationship with my partner? Ultimately I can get over it, but this is kind of an unusual thing that isn't talked about too often, and I'm not sure what perspective would help me with getting over it. Thanks for your time.
It could well be a histocompatibility ("sex chemistry") mismatch. Sniff his armpit a couple hours after he's showered, undeodorized. Does it smell pleasant, or unpleasant? Have him smell you, too. If you're going YEAH YEAH BABY after the sniff test, then you ought to be compatible chemistry-wise. But if the smell doesn't do anything for you or frankly turns you off with its funk, then that's pretty clearly the issue here.
Sexual preference often flip-flops when the female partner is on the pill vs. not. Someone who smells good when you're off can smell unpleasant when you're on -- and vice versa. So if you're presently using hormonal BC, it might be worthwhile to try barrier for a year. Conversely, if you're using barrier, you could try the pill for a year. A significant medical decision, certainly, but if it's that important to you, it's worth a try.
My current partner and I are absolutely in love with each other's smells, but my last partner and I didn't get along odour wise. Perhaps predictably, current sex is yeah yeah baby, but previous relationship sex was.... sparse at best, though we got along friend-wise pretty well. (The sex issue was at the core of our split. Another story.)
For me, at least, sex is as important as breathing, and I couldn't imagine a life without it. So if I was you, I'd have a frank discussion with him about finding sexual playmates.
Any way, best luck to you. I've been there.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:25 PM on May 24, 2010
Sexual preference often flip-flops when the female partner is on the pill vs. not. Someone who smells good when you're off can smell unpleasant when you're on -- and vice versa. So if you're presently using hormonal BC, it might be worthwhile to try barrier for a year. Conversely, if you're using barrier, you could try the pill for a year. A significant medical decision, certainly, but if it's that important to you, it's worth a try.
My current partner and I are absolutely in love with each other's smells, but my last partner and I didn't get along odour wise. Perhaps predictably, current sex is yeah yeah baby, but previous relationship sex was.... sparse at best, though we got along friend-wise pretty well. (The sex issue was at the core of our split. Another story.)
For me, at least, sex is as important as breathing, and I couldn't imagine a life without it. So if I was you, I'd have a frank discussion with him about finding sexual playmates.
Any way, best luck to you. I've been there.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:25 PM on May 24, 2010
Do you have an email address for replies that a person (say, myself) wouldn't want to share publicly?
posted by davejay at 2:31 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by davejay at 2:31 PM on May 24, 2010
I wouldn't write things off just yet! Have you sat down and thought about what you would find really appealing to do, sex-wise (you mention feeling an "energy exchange" with a previous partner - maybe there are elements of power play/BDSM that would be fun to play with with your current partner)? Have you communicated to him how you're feeling (how is he feeling about your sex life?) and tried to brainstorm possible (sexy) solutions?
The advice, "Fake it 'til you make it" might apply here too - if you go into a sexual encounter "faking" how turned-on you are, you may find yourself getting to the real deal as things progress.
My husband and I have been together for ~10 years, and married for 4. We definitely had the "rip your clothes off" thing going on when we first got together (granted, he was 18 and I was 19 at the time, which I'm sure was part of it :), and since then, our sex life has had peaks and dips (life circumstances definitely play a role in the dips). We're still learning about what turns us on, and experimenting is a pick-us-up. :)
posted by purlgurly at 2:38 PM on May 24, 2010
The advice, "Fake it 'til you make it" might apply here too - if you go into a sexual encounter "faking" how turned-on you are, you may find yourself getting to the real deal as things progress.
My husband and I have been together for ~10 years, and married for 4. We definitely had the "rip your clothes off" thing going on when we first got together (granted, he was 18 and I was 19 at the time, which I'm sure was part of it :), and since then, our sex life has had peaks and dips (life circumstances definitely play a role in the dips). We're still learning about what turns us on, and experimenting is a pick-us-up. :)
posted by purlgurly at 2:38 PM on May 24, 2010
(Keeping this general but I'd be happy to share more personal details over e-mail.)
Lack of sex and lack of sexual attraction are two different things, especially from the perspective of the partner. Are you just not that into the sex, or can you not bring yourself to participate at all? The latter, in my experience, is much more of a problem.
1) Certainly there are ways, but I assume they vary wildly depending on your mutual preferences - can you find common ground in any fetishes? fantasies? - and how open you are to experimenting (and failing) together. Sex is such a spectrum of stuff, and mutual understanding - especially if you're hoping for or committed to a long term relationship - really is key.
2) I don't know what chemical compatibility means (instant sparks? lasting hots?) and can only answer this question with another: how important is sex to your partner and to you? Yes, another person can't (and IMHO shouldn't) fulfill your every desire, but sex in a monogamous relationship is an essential part of the deal for most people. The great thing about good sex is that it takes the pressure off a lot of communication, and the terrible thing about no sex is that it's too unconventional and can cause anxiety about self-esteem and trust. Questions like 'does he really find me hot?', 'am I giving / getting enough?' or worse, questions about manhood or femininity are not easy to talk about anyway, and the lack of sex can add a lot of pressure to the mix. Sex is a shared value in a monogamous relationship, and whether you're having it or not, it's important, nay, essential, to be on the same page.
3) Again, your question doesn't specify if you've tried anything besides just having sex or expecting attraction / sexual magic to happen naturally, but I honestly don't think that it's ever as cut and dried as you're making it out to be. Sex between two people never stays the same; there are ups and downs and sometimes when there's a lull, you just have to relax and wait for it to pass, or get proactive and experimental (hopefully without too much pressure). Even the most sexual couples have to work to keep it interesting for themselves and for each other. At least from your question, it seems like your rushing to calibrate your "level" of sexual attraction to your current partner and putting it in a box with the time before your brief sexual spark with That Guy.
You also seem to believe a great deal in sexual magic or chemistry (like with That Guy) and again I'd suggest that you examine your assumptions and desires. What in particular was so wonderful about that guy? Did he take the pressure off of you in terms of creativity or initiative? Were you less inhibited because you didn't hope/plan to spend the rest of your life with him? Was he hotter?
To my mind - finding passion in this relationship is a lot more possible than you think, but you'll need to be honest with yourself about what gets you off and with your partner about what you want. This is really about your own desires, expectations and mindset, and if you've gotten really into it with someone before, it can happen again. And again, and again.
Don't just give up and get over it. Get creative.
posted by mondaygreens at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2010
Lack of sex and lack of sexual attraction are two different things, especially from the perspective of the partner. Are you just not that into the sex, or can you not bring yourself to participate at all? The latter, in my experience, is much more of a problem.
1) Certainly there are ways, but I assume they vary wildly depending on your mutual preferences - can you find common ground in any fetishes? fantasies? - and how open you are to experimenting (and failing) together. Sex is such a spectrum of stuff, and mutual understanding - especially if you're hoping for or committed to a long term relationship - really is key.
2) I don't know what chemical compatibility means (instant sparks? lasting hots?) and can only answer this question with another: how important is sex to your partner and to you? Yes, another person can't (and IMHO shouldn't) fulfill your every desire, but sex in a monogamous relationship is an essential part of the deal for most people. The great thing about good sex is that it takes the pressure off a lot of communication, and the terrible thing about no sex is that it's too unconventional and can cause anxiety about self-esteem and trust. Questions like 'does he really find me hot?', 'am I giving / getting enough?' or worse, questions about manhood or femininity are not easy to talk about anyway, and the lack of sex can add a lot of pressure to the mix. Sex is a shared value in a monogamous relationship, and whether you're having it or not, it's important, nay, essential, to be on the same page.
3) Again, your question doesn't specify if you've tried anything besides just having sex or expecting attraction / sexual magic to happen naturally, but I honestly don't think that it's ever as cut and dried as you're making it out to be. Sex between two people never stays the same; there are ups and downs and sometimes when there's a lull, you just have to relax and wait for it to pass, or get proactive and experimental (hopefully without too much pressure). Even the most sexual couples have to work to keep it interesting for themselves and for each other. At least from your question, it seems like your rushing to calibrate your "level" of sexual attraction to your current partner and putting it in a box with the time before your brief sexual spark with That Guy.
You also seem to believe a great deal in sexual magic or chemistry (like with That Guy) and again I'd suggest that you examine your assumptions and desires. What in particular was so wonderful about that guy? Did he take the pressure off of you in terms of creativity or initiative? Were you less inhibited because you didn't hope/plan to spend the rest of your life with him? Was he hotter?
To my mind - finding passion in this relationship is a lot more possible than you think, but you'll need to be honest with yourself about what gets you off and with your partner about what you want. This is really about your own desires, expectations and mindset, and if you've gotten really into it with someone before, it can happen again. And again, and again.
Don't just give up and get over it. Get creative.
posted by mondaygreens at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2010
It could well be a histocompatibility ("sex chemistry" "tissue graft compatibility") mismatch.
Unless there's, like, another definition of histocompatibility that i'm not clued in to, probably not it. Look, it's possible (but by no means certain) that there's something to this sweat-pheromone thing. But I tend to think that you don't need a science-y justification for just not being hot for someone.
posted by pullayup at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2010
Unless there's, like, another definition of histocompatibility that i'm not clued in to, probably not it. Look, it's possible (but by no means certain) that there's something to this sweat-pheromone thing. But I tend to think that you don't need a science-y justification for just not being hot for someone.
posted by pullayup at 2:48 PM on May 24, 2010
Is he aware of your feelings (or lack there of)? How high is his sex drive? I can't imagine being in a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone who did not have a strong physical attraction for me and a desire for regular sexual encounters, but I also have a very high sex drive. If you and the boyfriend have a similar levels of desire, it could work out.
posted by hworth at 2:58 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by hworth at 2:58 PM on May 24, 2010
hormonal birth control can do a lot of kooky things to your libido - it may be really worth it to look into trying other methods if you are on it
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:57 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:57 PM on May 24, 2010
Using hormonal contraceptives can really affect your libido, and those effects can change over time. If you are using hormonal contraception, this feeling of low libido may be worth discussing with your doctor. (Hmm. Doesn't actually say in your post that you're female. Oh well. the rest of this applies either way) And a low libido can be a side effect of all kinds of other medication, too, so if you're taking anything else, another thing to discuss with the doctor.
Beyond that, do you feel comfortable in your own body? Do you feel that you can be sexy? On re-reading your question, I will never again feel the magic of a powerful sexual relationship with my partner sounds ... sad. defeated. That really truly does not have to be the case.
You don't mention in your post whether you feel any sexual attraction to people other than your partner (but I'm guessing you don't, or at least not much?), or any general sexy feelings not necessarily directly involving anyone else (again, probably not much?). I'm guessing you don't masturbate? Try it sometime. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that sex has to involve you both every time, it just means it can't involve anyone else. Other people have started suggesting all sorts of things about kinks and fantasies, and that's all very well, but I'll suggest going back a bit further - have a bath, relax, try not to fall asleep. If you do fall asleep, never mind. A nap is good for you. Then, if you want to, touch yourself a bit and find out what feels good. Maybe consider buying a vibrator (my personal priorities when deciding what kind to get are 1. quiet, 2. doesn't look anything like an animal because really, wtf? and 3. doesn't look anything like a fake penis, because if [one] wanted a penis [one's] boyfriend has a real one, but YMMV, presumably someone likes the animal ones). It's up to you to decide at what point, if any, you talk to your boyfriend about this.
posted by Lebannen at 4:01 PM on May 24, 2010
Beyond that, do you feel comfortable in your own body? Do you feel that you can be sexy? On re-reading your question, I will never again feel the magic of a powerful sexual relationship with my partner sounds ... sad. defeated. That really truly does not have to be the case.
You don't mention in your post whether you feel any sexual attraction to people other than your partner (but I'm guessing you don't, or at least not much?), or any general sexy feelings not necessarily directly involving anyone else (again, probably not much?). I'm guessing you don't masturbate? Try it sometime. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean that sex has to involve you both every time, it just means it can't involve anyone else. Other people have started suggesting all sorts of things about kinks and fantasies, and that's all very well, but I'll suggest going back a bit further - have a bath, relax, try not to fall asleep. If you do fall asleep, never mind. A nap is good for you. Then, if you want to, touch yourself a bit and find out what feels good. Maybe consider buying a vibrator (my personal priorities when deciding what kind to get are 1. quiet, 2. doesn't look anything like an animal because really, wtf? and 3. doesn't look anything like a fake penis, because if [one] wanted a penis [one's] boyfriend has a real one, but YMMV, presumably someone likes the animal ones). It's up to you to decide at what point, if any, you talk to your boyfriend about this.
posted by Lebannen at 4:01 PM on May 24, 2010
Unless there's, like, another definition of histocompatibility that i'm not clued in to, probably not it. Look, it's possible (but by no means certain) that there's something to this sweat-pheromone thing. But I tend to think that you don't need a science-y justification for just not being hot for someone.
In animals there is some evidence of mate selection occurring by discrimination of MHC haplotype, occurring in large part through olfaction. Several studies have been performed in humans, and have demonstrated effects (a review can be found here) but in aggregate they really are unimpressive. Population genomic studies have also looked at the possibility of MHC-based mate selection by any mechanism, but the results are controversial at best.
In any case, I agree that the histocompatibility/odor argument is at best an oversimplistic gloss on 'chemistry', which OP has defined as lacking, and probably unhelpful. That said, there may be specific medical or physical reasons for this lack of desire which should be considered alongside interpersonal aspects. OP hasn't provided a lot of information about her(?) experience of sexual arousal or desire outside of the relationship, but there is a suggestion based on previous relationship history that this is not necessarily limited to this specific relationship. OP, do you have sexual fantasies or experience sexual desire in non-relationship contexts? Do you masturbate? If the problem is in fact partially related to libido, endocrine issues or medications could be contributory, as could psychiatric issues like depression. There is also a somewhat controversial psychiatric diagnosis called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder which specifically addresses lack of interest in sex, either with a specific partner or in general, though it can also be seen as a means of medicalizing a normal, low level of desire.
The recommendations to discuss this with your partner are pretty important, but consider also bringing this issue up with your OB/Gyn or primary care physician or even consulting a sex therapist. Again, I don't want to imply that there's something wrong with you, and this may simply be an issue of sexual compatibility. From the framing of your comments you don't appear to be upset with a lack of desire per se, but with the difficulties that lack of desire could wreak in sustaining a complete relationship. Still, physical reasons should be ruled out and your doctor can help you to do that, through evaluation or referral.
posted by monocyte at 4:06 PM on May 24, 2010
In animals there is some evidence of mate selection occurring by discrimination of MHC haplotype, occurring in large part through olfaction. Several studies have been performed in humans, and have demonstrated effects (a review can be found here) but in aggregate they really are unimpressive. Population genomic studies have also looked at the possibility of MHC-based mate selection by any mechanism, but the results are controversial at best.
In any case, I agree that the histocompatibility/odor argument is at best an oversimplistic gloss on 'chemistry', which OP has defined as lacking, and probably unhelpful. That said, there may be specific medical or physical reasons for this lack of desire which should be considered alongside interpersonal aspects. OP hasn't provided a lot of information about her(?) experience of sexual arousal or desire outside of the relationship, but there is a suggestion based on previous relationship history that this is not necessarily limited to this specific relationship. OP, do you have sexual fantasies or experience sexual desire in non-relationship contexts? Do you masturbate? If the problem is in fact partially related to libido, endocrine issues or medications could be contributory, as could psychiatric issues like depression. There is also a somewhat controversial psychiatric diagnosis called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder which specifically addresses lack of interest in sex, either with a specific partner or in general, though it can also be seen as a means of medicalizing a normal, low level of desire.
The recommendations to discuss this with your partner are pretty important, but consider also bringing this issue up with your OB/Gyn or primary care physician or even consulting a sex therapist. Again, I don't want to imply that there's something wrong with you, and this may simply be an issue of sexual compatibility. From the framing of your comments you don't appear to be upset with a lack of desire per se, but with the difficulties that lack of desire could wreak in sustaining a complete relationship. Still, physical reasons should be ruled out and your doctor can help you to do that, through evaluation or referral.
posted by monocyte at 4:06 PM on May 24, 2010
some evidence of mate selection... results are controversial at best.
I actually read a couple of those abstracts before I posted my comment, and I'm standing by my "possible (but by no means certain)." (...don't even get me started on how I feel about MHC detection by facial preference!) My main concern is that the poster not assign too much weight to what is pretty much another sociobiological just-so story; I see the line of reasoning that runs "well, I'm not hot for this person, so there must be a genetic reason that we're not right for each other" as unhelpful at best, and potentially damaging to an otherwise good relationship at worst. It's equivalent, in my opinion, to the tendency to assign traits such as infidelity to men in general based on an appeal to (very much less than well-characterized) biology.
The fact is that people and their relationships are complicated, and that in this situation it sounds to me like it's very worth trying to work out what's going on--and it would be a shame to write the relationship off on specious grounds.
posted by pullayup at 5:21 PM on May 24, 2010
I actually read a couple of those abstracts before I posted my comment, and I'm standing by my "possible (but by no means certain)." (...don't even get me started on how I feel about MHC detection by facial preference!) My main concern is that the poster not assign too much weight to what is pretty much another sociobiological just-so story; I see the line of reasoning that runs "well, I'm not hot for this person, so there must be a genetic reason that we're not right for each other" as unhelpful at best, and potentially damaging to an otherwise good relationship at worst. It's equivalent, in my opinion, to the tendency to assign traits such as infidelity to men in general based on an appeal to (very much less than well-characterized) biology.
The fact is that people and their relationships are complicated, and that in this situation it sounds to me like it's very worth trying to work out what's going on--and it would be a shame to write the relationship off on specious grounds.
posted by pullayup at 5:21 PM on May 24, 2010
Some people here fall into the category of "sex is as important as breathing" and some don't. I certainly don't think that's the case. I think even with the past boyfriend, things would have worn off, and do you really want to make sex the deciding factor? You may be young and have many years ahead of you, but even if you're 30, the bulk of your life will be with them after the sexual years are past. So do you want to sacrifice 10 years now for 40 good years later, or do you want to make the opposite arrangement?
Of course, he needs to be a part of the discussion too and hybrid arrangements are, as you mentioned, possible.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 5:51 PM on May 24, 2010
Of course, he needs to be a part of the discussion too and hybrid arrangements are, as you mentioned, possible.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 5:51 PM on May 24, 2010
Speaking as a non-depressed, healthy and energetic, non-hormonal-birth-control-using woman who shares this question, I hope we will see more answers that go beyond the medical, biochemical, and psychiatric. (As pullayup says: "I tend to think that you don't need a science-y justification for just not being hot for someone.)
OP, you don't say much about the personality differences between the person you were hot for and this person. For me, the differences were faint, but I think present. An obvious example is that for someone submissive, the more dominant their partner is (in bed), the hotter sex is. But the sub/dom divide isn't the only one there is, and there are other, subtler ...almost archetypal interactions that matter. A book that touches on this is Caroline Myss's Sacred Contracts (though warning, it's super New Agey). Different people approach sex with very different attitudes: are they fawning over you, ravishing you, serving you, being serviced by you, dirtying you, purifying you, communing deeply with you, or what? And how does that attitude work for you: do you want to be fawned over, for example, or is that a turn-off? It might be that you and your boyfriend need to find matching roles that work for you both. You could try experimenting with different ways of relating via roleplaying games, reading/watching erotica, or lists like this one. You might try the hypothesis that you have fairly specific tastes but they're subtle enough that you haven't quite put your finger on them yet (no pun intended!).
A few other thoughts:
- everything I've done to troubleshoot relationship problems has helped, and in many relationships, sex was the "canary in the coal mine"
- the more open I am about who I am and what I like, the better; it helps me actually get what I like; plus emotional vulnerability (for me at least) is a real turn on
- resentment, exhaustion, and not getting the alone time one needs can totally kill sex life
- there are a few good AskMes about this, and Passionate Marriage is one book that gets recommended
- I'm assuming you've talked to your boyfriend about this and about your desire to kindle the flame; if not, I'd do so
posted by ruff at 6:30 PM on May 24, 2010
OP, you don't say much about the personality differences between the person you were hot for and this person. For me, the differences were faint, but I think present. An obvious example is that for someone submissive, the more dominant their partner is (in bed), the hotter sex is. But the sub/dom divide isn't the only one there is, and there are other, subtler ...almost archetypal interactions that matter. A book that touches on this is Caroline Myss's Sacred Contracts (though warning, it's super New Agey). Different people approach sex with very different attitudes: are they fawning over you, ravishing you, serving you, being serviced by you, dirtying you, purifying you, communing deeply with you, or what? And how does that attitude work for you: do you want to be fawned over, for example, or is that a turn-off? It might be that you and your boyfriend need to find matching roles that work for you both. You could try experimenting with different ways of relating via roleplaying games, reading/watching erotica, or lists like this one. You might try the hypothesis that you have fairly specific tastes but they're subtle enough that you haven't quite put your finger on them yet (no pun intended!).
A few other thoughts:
- everything I've done to troubleshoot relationship problems has helped, and in many relationships, sex was the "canary in the coal mine"
- the more open I am about who I am and what I like, the better; it helps me actually get what I like; plus emotional vulnerability (for me at least) is a real turn on
- resentment, exhaustion, and not getting the alone time one needs can totally kill sex life
- there are a few good AskMes about this, and Passionate Marriage is one book that gets recommended
- I'm assuming you've talked to your boyfriend about this and about your desire to kindle the flame; if not, I'd do so
posted by ruff at 6:30 PM on May 24, 2010
From the OP:
Thanks so much to everyone who replied. Many of the answers really resonated with me, and I actually feel really hopeful about the situation now. I was particularly surprised by the resonance of the ideas of power relations, and began to wonder if there was some mild version of this that contributed in at least some way, to making sex with the other person so great. Something to explore, definitely. But other responses were also helpful as well. I'll MefiMail those who said they had more to say, but would rather do it by email. Many thanks!posted by jessamyn at 11:27 AM on May 25, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You don't say how old you are, I'm guessing 30's/40's with lots of potential for sexual activity left. Don't even think of marriage until this is resolved, it's too big a deal. I'm male FWIW.
posted by epo at 2:05 PM on May 24, 2010