My boyfriend just told me that he has genital herpes. Now what?
April 23, 2010 12:03 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend of four months just told me that he has genital herpes. Now what?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
Last night my boyfriend told me that he has genital herpes. We’ve been sexually active for four months, often without using condoms. He is on medication for it, and hasn’t had an outbreak in years. This morning I went to be tested for STDs.
I realize that herpes is very, very common. I have oral herpes, and get a cold sore about once every few years. I feel very hypocritical being angry at him for not telling me, because I never told him that I have HSV-1. I also know that most (all?) blood tests cannot distinguish between HSV-1 or HSV-2, or determine whether the mouth or genitals are affected. So my STD test is probably going to be useless in determining if he transmitted HSV-2 to me, and I’ll have to wait for symptoms. But some people never show signs of the virus—will I have to tell all of my future partners that I have been exposed to herpes and may or may not be carrying the virus?
I am incredibly angry. He needed to tell me before we ever started having sex, and the fact that he hasn’t told me until now makes me believe that he does not care about my health and well-being. I’ve read past threads about this subject from the opposite perspective, and I realize that this is a difficult thing to tell someone. However, he is well-educated (he volunteers at Planned Parenthood) and we discussed STDs and forms of birth control before we began having sex. He had a chance to tell me then, and every day since then for four months.
My trust has been decimated by this news, but I’ve had issues trusting him in the past. He has cheated on me once before when he was very drunk. He told me, but a day later—after we had sex and potentially exposed me to STDs. Red flags, right?
I realize this is a deal breaker for most people. I realize that herpes isn’t life-threatening, but it is a incurable infection that will affect my sexual activity in the future. And having this bomb dropped so far into the relationship leaves me feeling utterly betrayed. It seems clear that I need to DTMF, but I need your advice on how to either move on from or move forward in this relationship (positive test results or not) especially when I feel like I have no one I can talk to about all of this. Also please suggest any resources or information on dealing with herpes.
Throw away email account: email@example.com