How do I learn to love family members equally?
April 8, 2010 2:17 PM Subscribe
I love my biological kids more than my step-children. Am I a monster?
I have four children: two of my own and two step-kids I "inherited" when I married my wife. I love all of them-- but there is a vast difference in my true feelings between the pair. I've known the SK since they were around 5 or 6, and six years or so have passed by since then. I don't think I ever really bonded with them when they were younger. I hang out with them now, and take them to sports practices, after school activities, etc. They live in my house all the time. I can't help but feel this is not "normal" behavior, and I should, in a perfect world, love them all equally. I do not, though. They feel more like roommates than my children. They would be crushed if they heard me say that, too. I know they think of me as their father.
It's even harder because I love my own so much, and smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward. After all, mine are still practically babies, and the SK are approaching teenage years.
Am I just an asshole? Are there other step-parents out there who feel the same way? These kids need love, because their biological dad is a jerk who left the scene years ago, and I try to be there for them, and comfort them-- but I feel like a phony when I do it. I can't force myself to have the same feelings as I do my own, but I'm trying to somehow do it anyway.
I have four children: two of my own and two step-kids I "inherited" when I married my wife. I love all of them-- but there is a vast difference in my true feelings between the pair. I've known the SK since they were around 5 or 6, and six years or so have passed by since then. I don't think I ever really bonded with them when they were younger. I hang out with them now, and take them to sports practices, after school activities, etc. They live in my house all the time. I can't help but feel this is not "normal" behavior, and I should, in a perfect world, love them all equally. I do not, though. They feel more like roommates than my children. They would be crushed if they heard me say that, too. I know they think of me as their father.
It's even harder because I love my own so much, and smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward. After all, mine are still practically babies, and the SK are approaching teenage years.
Am I just an asshole? Are there other step-parents out there who feel the same way? These kids need love, because their biological dad is a jerk who left the scene years ago, and I try to be there for them, and comfort them-- but I feel like a phony when I do it. I can't force myself to have the same feelings as I do my own, but I'm trying to somehow do it anyway.
No, it's normal. There's a biological component to it certainly, but your step-kids are not your kids. It's great that you help take care of them and while it would be ideal if you did see them as yours, you can't force feelings.
Don't hold yourself to such a high bar. You're only going to fail if you do. As long as you show the steps some kind of attention and a warm feeling, I don't think that's such a bad thing.
Hold out some hope that, as they age, they'll be cool and you can be friends.
posted by inturnaround at 2:26 PM on April 8, 2010
Don't hold yourself to such a high bar. You're only going to fail if you do. As long as you show the steps some kind of attention and a warm feeling, I don't think that's such a bad thing.
Hold out some hope that, as they age, they'll be cool and you can be friends.
posted by inturnaround at 2:26 PM on April 8, 2010
This is not unusual. In my stepfamilies, I know for a fact that some of the step-parents love their own kids more than their step-kids. And I also know that at least one of the step-parents now loves their step-kids as much as their own kids.
I'm pretty sure all of us kids know exactly what's what. At least all of our parents treat us equally when it comes to gifts and stuff. People can't help feelings--I don't love all my parents and step-parents the same way. But I'm respectful and decent towards all of them.
It's also possible that your feelings will change when your step-kids are older. The first seven years of step-family life were tough on the family I lived with. As we all grew up though, we've become closer and there's genuine affection and love where before there was thinly veiled dislike.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:29 PM on April 8, 2010
I'm pretty sure all of us kids know exactly what's what. At least all of our parents treat us equally when it comes to gifts and stuff. People can't help feelings--I don't love all my parents and step-parents the same way. But I'm respectful and decent towards all of them.
It's also possible that your feelings will change when your step-kids are older. The first seven years of step-family life were tough on the family I lived with. As we all grew up though, we've become closer and there's genuine affection and love where before there was thinly veiled dislike.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:29 PM on April 8, 2010
You'd be a monster if you made a point of telling them this. Otherwise sounds pretty normal to me.
posted by Babblesort at 2:29 PM on April 8, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by Babblesort at 2:29 PM on April 8, 2010 [13 favorites]
I found this very hard to deal with when I married a guy who had a niece and nephew. She was 5 at the time; he was 8. They had been raised in a style with which I was very uncomfortable, and this never managed to settle down in my head. They were VERY sweet kids, though they had some issues, but that was emphatically not their fault. In retrospect, the way they and my then-sister-in-law lived played a pretty big role in how I felt about my husband and the values he held, which in turn was one of the factors in our split.
I'm not telling you this story to say, "oh, your situation is hopeless," but rather the opposite. After we broke up, I spent a long time thinking about the kids and what made me uncomfortable. I think it was because I didn't have control over them and didn't see what kind of impact I could have had on their lives, because they were "already formed" when I met them. Yeah, that's kind of a snobby way to think about it, but they also lived kind of far away, and it hurt me to think that no matter what I did, I couldn't help them as much as I thought they deserved. That kept me from forming a closer relationship with them.
You, on the other hand, still have a chance to make an impact, especially since they're full-time at your house. Your HOME. Their home, too.
Yes, what you're feeling is pretty normal. You didn't meet them like you met your biological kids. But I would encourage you to explore the different ways of loving all of your kids, and figure out what it is about your relationship that is holding you back.
posted by Madamina at 2:34 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not telling you this story to say, "oh, your situation is hopeless," but rather the opposite. After we broke up, I spent a long time thinking about the kids and what made me uncomfortable. I think it was because I didn't have control over them and didn't see what kind of impact I could have had on their lives, because they were "already formed" when I met them. Yeah, that's kind of a snobby way to think about it, but they also lived kind of far away, and it hurt me to think that no matter what I did, I couldn't help them as much as I thought they deserved. That kept me from forming a closer relationship with them.
You, on the other hand, still have a chance to make an impact, especially since they're full-time at your house. Your HOME. Their home, too.
Yes, what you're feeling is pretty normal. You didn't meet them like you met your biological kids. But I would encourage you to explore the different ways of loving all of your kids, and figure out what it is about your relationship that is holding you back.
posted by Madamina at 2:34 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Am I just an asshole? Are there other step-parents out there who feel the same way? These kids need love, because their biological dad is a jerk who left the scene years ago, and I try to be there for them, and comfort them-- but I feel like a phony when I do it. I can't force myself to have the same feelings as I do my own, but I'm trying to somehow do it anyway.
These things aren't going to get any easier until you get over your own self-consciousness and just do it. A well-placed hug or affectionate remark is a start.
Really, I think this likely has more to do with the age that you met them than anything else. It's hard not to kiss and hug and pour affection upon toddlers, whether they're biologically related to you or not. I mean, their little smooshy baby faces compel us to do these things. It doesn't mean that the older kids need it any less, though. Just do it. I promise they won't turn you down--and I promise it'll mean more to them than you're trying to convince yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:34 PM on April 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
These things aren't going to get any easier until you get over your own self-consciousness and just do it. A well-placed hug or affectionate remark is a start.
Really, I think this likely has more to do with the age that you met them than anything else. It's hard not to kiss and hug and pour affection upon toddlers, whether they're biologically related to you or not. I mean, their little smooshy baby faces compel us to do these things. It doesn't mean that the older kids need it any less, though. Just do it. I promise they won't turn you down--and I promise it'll mean more to them than you're trying to convince yourself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:34 PM on April 8, 2010 [12 favorites]
I agree that this is not unusual, and that you're not weird or a bad person for having these feelings. However, I wanted to address this:
They would be crushed if they heard me say that, too. I know they think of me as their father.
If these kids think of you as their father, they've already noticed that you treat them differently, more distantly, than you treat your other children. I know it will feel awkward, but I would start in small ways to try to bridge the disparity. Spend time with each of your kids individually. Tell them each that you love them regularly (teenagers or pre-teens will blush and roll their eyes, but they still need and want to hear it from their parents). Buy them books or little treats you notice at the store that you think they would like. Ask them to recommend cool music for you, and listen to it, and tell them what you thought. In other words, be just as involved in their lives as you hope to be in your biological children's lives as they grow up.
I think this is a classic "love is an action" situation. The more you treat your children in the way that you treat those you love most, the more your feelings of love for them will grow. Best of luck!
posted by decathecting at 2:36 PM on April 8, 2010 [42 favorites]
They would be crushed if they heard me say that, too. I know they think of me as their father.
If these kids think of you as their father, they've already noticed that you treat them differently, more distantly, than you treat your other children. I know it will feel awkward, but I would start in small ways to try to bridge the disparity. Spend time with each of your kids individually. Tell them each that you love them regularly (teenagers or pre-teens will blush and roll their eyes, but they still need and want to hear it from their parents). Buy them books or little treats you notice at the store that you think they would like. Ask them to recommend cool music for you, and listen to it, and tell them what you thought. In other words, be just as involved in their lives as you hope to be in your biological children's lives as they grow up.
I think this is a classic "love is an action" situation. The more you treat your children in the way that you treat those you love most, the more your feelings of love for them will grow. Best of luck!
posted by decathecting at 2:36 PM on April 8, 2010 [42 favorites]
You met your kids earlier, and at an earlier age. You have a much closer intimacy with them, totally normal.
Thinking in terms of loving them more, however, isn't a good idea -- because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can and will likely grow to love your adopted kids so much and you should keep your heart open to that possibility.
posted by davejay at 2:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Thinking in terms of loving them more, however, isn't a good idea -- because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can and will likely grow to love your adopted kids so much and you should keep your heart open to that possibility.
posted by davejay at 2:37 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and:
It's even harder because I love my own so much, and smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward. After all, mine are still practically babies, and the SK are approaching teenage years.
Note that your own babies will not want to be smothered with kisses and I love you-s when they're teenagers. Just be supportive and loving to the degree you're comfortable with...and just a little bit more, to see how it goes.
posted by davejay at 2:39 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's even harder because I love my own so much, and smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward. After all, mine are still practically babies, and the SK are approaching teenage years.
Note that your own babies will not want to be smothered with kisses and I love you-s when they're teenagers. Just be supportive and loving to the degree you're comfortable with...and just a little bit more, to see how it goes.
posted by davejay at 2:39 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh, and you can also just tell them: "You know, I love you guys a lot, more than I think you realize -- but sometimes I'm not sure how to express it, how to let you know without freaking you out or it seeming weird. So, um, I'm just telling you this now, because I do love you, very much. Want to come with your mother and me to get ice cream?"
posted by davejay at 2:43 PM on April 8, 2010 [27 favorites]
posted by davejay at 2:43 PM on April 8, 2010 [27 favorites]
Your feelings don't make you a monster. If feelings made us monsters, we'd all be monsters. But your behaviors might. While I do think it's fine and even important to allow for a different relationship between your biological kids and your step kids (surely they experience different feelings themselves), I would suggest focusing your energy on how you present yourself to all the kids, in a way that is not guided solely by your own feelings.
I've been a step-parent. Now, for various reasons, I'm an ex-step parent. My advice to steps based on my own experience is not to treat step kids as if they are biological kids - they aren't - and the pressure of an attempt to act that way can be overwhelming for everyone. But be aware that it is much easier to feel burdened and irritated by steps than bio kids, and I think it's essential to account for that fact in your dealings with the step kids. The reality of the difference of relationship makes showing love and affection to the step kids even more important, because it doesn't always come by instinct.
Is there any reason not to smother your step kids in kisses - or, I suppose - to show more age appropriate affection? If snuggles don't feel right, can you make a point to comment when you admire them, or feel fondness or affection towards them, or just think they're being cute? You would be doing this to directly benefit them, but also to help focus your own thoughts about them in a way that can be positive for everyone. Can you find ways to connect to them that are unique to each of them, and maybe separate from your connections with your bio kids?
In life, the philosophy of Fake It Till You Make It seems surprisingly useful. I'd suggest utilizing it here.
posted by serazin at 3:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've been a step-parent. Now, for various reasons, I'm an ex-step parent. My advice to steps based on my own experience is not to treat step kids as if they are biological kids - they aren't - and the pressure of an attempt to act that way can be overwhelming for everyone. But be aware that it is much easier to feel burdened and irritated by steps than bio kids, and I think it's essential to account for that fact in your dealings with the step kids. The reality of the difference of relationship makes showing love and affection to the step kids even more important, because it doesn't always come by instinct.
Is there any reason not to smother your step kids in kisses - or, I suppose - to show more age appropriate affection? If snuggles don't feel right, can you make a point to comment when you admire them, or feel fondness or affection towards them, or just think they're being cute? You would be doing this to directly benefit them, but also to help focus your own thoughts about them in a way that can be positive for everyone. Can you find ways to connect to them that are unique to each of them, and maybe separate from your connections with your bio kids?
In life, the philosophy of Fake It Till You Make It seems surprisingly useful. I'd suggest utilizing it here.
posted by serazin at 3:02 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seems natural and things get complicated for some parents love one of their biological children more than the other(s), so the guilt gets improved upon!
posted by Postroad at 3:14 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by Postroad at 3:14 PM on April 8, 2010
Yes, you're being self absorbed asshole if after six years you're not kissing the stepkids and telling them you love them. It's been six years, you're the only decent father they're going to have and they need your love as much as they need food or air. They're not step-kids anymore, except by a legal definition, they're your kids and you really should start acting like it.
That said, I think it's natural that you might have different levels and feelings of love for them as opposed to your biological kids, but frankly denying them the love and affection you clearly give your own kids is harmful and in many ways more jerkish than their biological dad. At least he left and spared them the daily torment of knowing they're not loved or not quite get enough to get love. You, however continue to think more of yourself than than them and that's not a good quality in any sort of parent.
Be an adult and reach out to them and make them your kids. It's been six years, they're hitting their teenage years and they're going to need you and not a roommate.
I know this all sounds harsh, but I don't necessarily think you're a bad person, especially 'cause you care enough to ask this question. As a parent (i have step-daughter), we all make tons of mistakes and there's lots we can do better, but we should at least try to love kids and give them the care and support they need and deserve, especially if they can plainly see that we're giving it to others. Being a parent means giving a lot of yourself, sometimes more than you think is possible, often more than you may want. But you have to do it, you have to reach out and try, because you're literally molding a human life.
When you're on your death bed, do you really want to look back and think "I should have loved those kids more"?
protip: letting them know you love and care about them and taking time to listen to them will really cut down on the teenage drama.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:17 PM on April 8, 2010 [19 favorites]
That said, I think it's natural that you might have different levels and feelings of love for them as opposed to your biological kids, but frankly denying them the love and affection you clearly give your own kids is harmful and in many ways more jerkish than their biological dad. At least he left and spared them the daily torment of knowing they're not loved or not quite get enough to get love. You, however continue to think more of yourself than than them and that's not a good quality in any sort of parent.
Be an adult and reach out to them and make them your kids. It's been six years, they're hitting their teenage years and they're going to need you and not a roommate.
I know this all sounds harsh, but I don't necessarily think you're a bad person, especially 'cause you care enough to ask this question. As a parent (i have step-daughter), we all make tons of mistakes and there's lots we can do better, but we should at least try to love kids and give them the care and support they need and deserve, especially if they can plainly see that we're giving it to others. Being a parent means giving a lot of yourself, sometimes more than you think is possible, often more than you may want. But you have to do it, you have to reach out and try, because you're literally molding a human life.
When you're on your death bed, do you really want to look back and think "I should have loved those kids more"?
protip: letting them know you love and care about them and taking time to listen to them will really cut down on the teenage drama.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:17 PM on April 8, 2010 [19 favorites]
On the contrary, if your stepkids are in their teenage years, and you're hugging and kissing them, they might think you're an asshole.
posted by xmutex at 3:28 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by xmutex at 3:28 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your feelings are yours and no, feelings do not a monster make.
However, as a remarried mom, I would be *crushed* if my husband said this to me, even though I'd suspect it.
Be a good stepdad, which is different than a dad, and feel great about that. If your actions make you a good stepdad, there's nothing to be worried about.
posted by Gucky at 3:43 PM on April 8, 2010
However, as a remarried mom, I would be *crushed* if my husband said this to me, even though I'd suspect it.
Be a good stepdad, which is different than a dad, and feel great about that. If your actions make you a good stepdad, there's nothing to be worried about.
posted by Gucky at 3:43 PM on April 8, 2010
These kids were old enough to remember when you came on the scene, so they know their relationship to you is different from that with your biological kids. As long as your commitment to being a dad to all four kids is equal, I think you are OK.
posted by gjc at 3:51 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by gjc at 3:51 PM on April 8, 2010
As the stepmother of two wonderful children, I can't imagine I could love a biological child more (though maybe if these particular kids weren't such great *people,* this would be different for me). I am also the product of a "blended family" where my father never obviously favored his non-biological children.
Your question, though, reminds me of Rebecca Walker. Don't be Rebecca Walker.
posted by Morrigan at 4:29 PM on April 8, 2010
Your question, though, reminds me of Rebecca Walker. Don't be Rebecca Walker.
posted by Morrigan at 4:29 PM on April 8, 2010
nthing not a monster and that this sounds really normal.
By way of anecdote, a close friend of mine's parents' divorced when she was a teenager and shortly after that her mother remarried. So, the household consisted of step-dad, mum and her three kids (step-dad's kids lived with their mother). Friend has told me that she learned so much from her step-dad about what a real father should be but that it took a while for them to feel comfortable around each other. Her father was abusive so there was a bit of trauma that took a while to settle down which contributed to the time it took for the step-father/step-daughter relationship to develop. It's not a father-daughter relationship but it is an affectionate and friendly and respectful one. Her comment about him is that he taught her to trust men/fathers again and taught her how to give big bear hugs. Which I think is a really gorgeous outcome.
Perhaps it's a matter of adjusting your expectations -- that you may not feel the same instictive love you feel for your biological children, but that there is the opportunity to create a loving and affectionate and supportive relationship with your step-children.
posted by prettypretty at 4:45 PM on April 8, 2010
By way of anecdote, a close friend of mine's parents' divorced when she was a teenager and shortly after that her mother remarried. So, the household consisted of step-dad, mum and her three kids (step-dad's kids lived with their mother). Friend has told me that she learned so much from her step-dad about what a real father should be but that it took a while for them to feel comfortable around each other. Her father was abusive so there was a bit of trauma that took a while to settle down which contributed to the time it took for the step-father/step-daughter relationship to develop. It's not a father-daughter relationship but it is an affectionate and friendly and respectful one. Her comment about him is that he taught her to trust men/fathers again and taught her how to give big bear hugs. Which I think is a really gorgeous outcome.
Perhaps it's a matter of adjusting your expectations -- that you may not feel the same instictive love you feel for your biological children, but that there is the opportunity to create a loving and affectionate and supportive relationship with your step-children.
posted by prettypretty at 4:45 PM on April 8, 2010
Hey, you sound a lot like my step-father, and I feel really badly for your stepkids, because they KNOW that they don't rate as highly as your "real" kids.
Sorry to be harsh, but you need to recognize that if you're treating children under the same roof clearly very differently, this is probably going to cause some long-lasting emotional sadness for them. It may not, but if you think about it, their biological dad left them, and the "dad" who they live with isn't as affectionate with them as he is with the other kids.
I say like others have: Fake it because kids are savvy and they can tell when they're not being treated equally.
posted by dzaz at 5:17 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sorry to be harsh, but you need to recognize that if you're treating children under the same roof clearly very differently, this is probably going to cause some long-lasting emotional sadness for them. It may not, but if you think about it, their biological dad left them, and the "dad" who they live with isn't as affectionate with them as he is with the other kids.
I say like others have: Fake it because kids are savvy and they can tell when they're not being treated equally.
posted by dzaz at 5:17 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
No you’re not a monster (are you molesting your kids? No.) but I think what bugs me about your question is that you don’t seem to realize the impact of your attitude on your stepkids. Kids are damn smart and never underestimate them. I’m sure that they can sense the favouritism towards your bio kids and I’m sure that they find it hurtful. It’s not their fault that you married into their family, and it’s not their fault that you ended up their stepdad, and as one of two huge role models in their life. It’s not their fault that you don’t love them as much as your bio kids. So do something about it! I’m sure they’re wonderful kids and they wonder why you can’t have the same affection for them as your bio kids – obviously you’re capable of affection, and because you don’t show it to them, they WILL know it’s because of them. And that’s a horrible way to grow up, thinking that something is wrong with you and you’re not lovable.
*Whew* I apologize for the guilt-inducing tone of my comment, but it kind of also bugs me that a lot of people have said this is normal and natural as if to suggest it’s ok. I don’t think it is but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. AND you’re not a bad person, all right? It’s great you’re asking this question because you want to change, and you just need some help with that! I suggest spending some one-on-one time with each of them. Get to know them, and build that bond – this is probably why things feel phony right now because you haven't really done that yet. Work on it. No, it won’t come easy and naturally, it takes effort. Your wife is not related to you, but you love her. And talk to her about this as well! I’m sure she can find some ways to help you bond with them – she knows them best - and ask her to tell you stories about when they were born and what they were like as babies and look at old photos with her AND them. And if this still doesn’t work, I dunno. Read books, see a therapist that specializes in blended families. But you still wouldn’t be a monster. You can do it. Oh and: when your bio kids get older, they're going to see this discrepancy too, which is also going to affect them. So get on it.
posted by foxjacket at 6:04 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
*Whew* I apologize for the guilt-inducing tone of my comment, but it kind of also bugs me that a lot of people have said this is normal and natural as if to suggest it’s ok. I don’t think it is but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. AND you’re not a bad person, all right? It’s great you’re asking this question because you want to change, and you just need some help with that! I suggest spending some one-on-one time with each of them. Get to know them, and build that bond – this is probably why things feel phony right now because you haven't really done that yet. Work on it. No, it won’t come easy and naturally, it takes effort. Your wife is not related to you, but you love her. And talk to her about this as well! I’m sure she can find some ways to help you bond with them – she knows them best - and ask her to tell you stories about when they were born and what they were like as babies and look at old photos with her AND them. And if this still doesn’t work, I dunno. Read books, see a therapist that specializes in blended families. But you still wouldn’t be a monster. You can do it. Oh and: when your bio kids get older, they're going to see this discrepancy too, which is also going to affect them. So get on it.
posted by foxjacket at 6:04 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
While I want to reiterate that no, I don't think you're a monster (after all, you are here asking this question, right? so obviously you are not so self-absorbed that you can't even see this in yourself), I have to agree with dzaz.
I also grew up knowing I was second-rate compared to my step-siblings in my step-father's eyes. My step-father is a decent guy, don't get me wrong, but it was clear to me that this was the case and yes, I was sad about it. I think my step-siblings also felt they were second rate in my mother's eyes, but she has made a huge effort over the course of their marriage to reach out to his children and cement a bond. The three of them are close to her now that we are all adults.
Don't be emotionally distant. Don't let any of your kids arguing about them, if you happen to argue with your wife about your kids. When your bio kids are older, it may also start to feel a bit weird to be so affectionate with them; that's what happens when kids grow up. Do what you can to make ALL of them feel appreciated and loved. You don't have to show the step-kids that they aren't as loved as the bio kids, even if that's what you feel in your heart. Just be conscious of how you treat them all.
posted by asciident at 6:40 PM on April 8, 2010
I also grew up knowing I was second-rate compared to my step-siblings in my step-father's eyes. My step-father is a decent guy, don't get me wrong, but it was clear to me that this was the case and yes, I was sad about it. I think my step-siblings also felt they were second rate in my mother's eyes, but she has made a huge effort over the course of their marriage to reach out to his children and cement a bond. The three of them are close to her now that we are all adults.
Don't be emotionally distant. Don't let any of your kids arguing about them, if you happen to argue with your wife about your kids. When your bio kids are older, it may also start to feel a bit weird to be so affectionate with them; that's what happens when kids grow up. Do what you can to make ALL of them feel appreciated and loved. You don't have to show the step-kids that they aren't as loved as the bio kids, even if that's what you feel in your heart. Just be conscious of how you treat them all.
posted by asciident at 6:40 PM on April 8, 2010
Your step-kids are probably at the age where they don't want to be smothered but I agree that they are already pretty aware that you treat your kids better than them (especially if you think they would be crushed if they "knew").
This doesn't make you a monster, but how would you feel if your wife said she doesn't love your kids and feels that she just "inherited" them? It's probably not just hurting her kids feelings, it could be hurting her. If you haven't already, talk to her about these feelings and ask her what she thinks you could do. You're a blending family, not a separate family and it's good that you're looking in the mirror and considering what you're doing might be effecting them (and your biological kids) now *and* in the long run.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:47 PM on April 8, 2010
This doesn't make you a monster, but how would you feel if your wife said she doesn't love your kids and feels that she just "inherited" them? It's probably not just hurting her kids feelings, it could be hurting her. If you haven't already, talk to her about these feelings and ask her what she thinks you could do. You're a blending family, not a separate family and it's good that you're looking in the mirror and considering what you're doing might be effecting them (and your biological kids) now *and* in the long run.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:47 PM on April 8, 2010
I can't find a link, but some research was published a few years ago that bears on this question. The claims of the research had three components:
Most parents do not treat all their kids equally. They treat some more affectionately (lovingly) than others.
The kids are aware of this.
The kids for the most part aren't bother by it; they understand it, they develop rationalizations for it; it doesn't necessarily lead to an unhealthy dynamic.
The research dealt strictly with biological kids, I believe.
So, just sayin: the fact that you have a couple of step kids and a couple of biological kids doesn't make you all that different. It's still a family. Sounds like you're doing your best and that that's pretty good.
posted by alms at 6:59 PM on April 8, 2010
The research dealt strictly with biological kids, I believe.
So, just sayin: the fact that you have a couple of step kids and a couple of biological kids doesn't make you all that different. It's still a family. Sounds like you're doing your best and that that's pretty good.
posted by alms at 6:59 PM on April 8, 2010
Instead of focusing on your feelings, try focusing on the kids. Pay attention to them. Try to figure out their favorite food, favorite color without asking. Ask them questions about things that they are interested in talking about (basketball, horses and the like are usually better topics than school) You can tell you found the right topic when the kid won't shut up. Truly get to know them as complete people, not just roommates, and it will be hard not to feel connected.
Again, don't worry about naming or measuring the feeling - just work on building a positive relationship that will support positive feelings. Find some things you can share together - a sport, a TV show. Teach them (boys and girls) the "manly arts" of whatever your specialty is. (My husband and son had great bonding over learning the family recipe for potato pancakes, my daughter helps out when hubby fixes the toilets). Take the step kids out for a treat or movie and leave your wife home with the babies. Have them help you plan a special surprise for their mother - nothing like a conspiracy to bring people together.
Find at least one thing that you can compliment each child on every day. Let them know when you appreciate your help, when you are proud of them, when they are demonstrating values that you respect.
Assuming you and your wife stay married, these kids are part of your family for the rest of your life. (and if you are lucky, even if you and your wife separate, you will still have a connection with them). So, when you talk about your family, don't call them steps unless it is directly relevant. Say things like "we have four children" or "I have to pick up my son from baseball"
posted by metahawk at 7:36 PM on April 8, 2010
Again, don't worry about naming or measuring the feeling - just work on building a positive relationship that will support positive feelings. Find some things you can share together - a sport, a TV show. Teach them (boys and girls) the "manly arts" of whatever your specialty is. (My husband and son had great bonding over learning the family recipe for potato pancakes, my daughter helps out when hubby fixes the toilets). Take the step kids out for a treat or movie and leave your wife home with the babies. Have them help you plan a special surprise for their mother - nothing like a conspiracy to bring people together.
Find at least one thing that you can compliment each child on every day. Let them know when you appreciate your help, when you are proud of them, when they are demonstrating values that you respect.
Assuming you and your wife stay married, these kids are part of your family for the rest of your life. (and if you are lucky, even if you and your wife separate, you will still have a connection with them). So, when you talk about your family, don't call them steps unless it is directly relevant. Say things like "we have four children" or "I have to pick up my son from baseball"
posted by metahawk at 7:36 PM on April 8, 2010
These kids need love, because their biological dad is a jerk who left the scene years ago, and I try to be there for them, and comfort them-- but I feel like a phony when I do it. I can't force myself to have the same feelings as I do my own, but I'm trying to somehow do it anyway.
As others have said above, don't try to force yourself to have those feelings, then. Not feeling something isn't a bad thing. Acting indifferent towards your stepkids kind of would be (not that I'm saying that you sound as if you are). Because I'm an unhealthily methodical person, I'd suggest that you build habits and routines that ensure that you pay attention to all of your children. Make a schedule if you have to. Hold yourself to the idea that you will do certain activities with each of the kids every week. Often, once the habit is established, a certain amount of emotional comfort will follow, even if you don't necessarily feel the love all the time.
Faking love or other emotion may actually be counterproductive in your situation, I don't know. It gets pretty exhausting to pretend to feel something, to be somebody, who you really aren't, and the kids will figure it out anyway. At preteen-to-teenage years, a lot of kids want to start to be treated as adults, so maybe capitalize on that--do fist bumps and high fives instead of so many hugs. This might also be more consistent with your comfort level.
Also, maybe make an effort to involve them with your kids too, because that might help to promote their (and your) sense of family.
By the way, you're not a monster. A monster is a person who is too indifferent about other people to try not to hurt them. You don't sound like that.
posted by _cave at 8:39 PM on April 8, 2010
As others have said above, don't try to force yourself to have those feelings, then. Not feeling something isn't a bad thing. Acting indifferent towards your stepkids kind of would be (not that I'm saying that you sound as if you are). Because I'm an unhealthily methodical person, I'd suggest that you build habits and routines that ensure that you pay attention to all of your children. Make a schedule if you have to. Hold yourself to the idea that you will do certain activities with each of the kids every week. Often, once the habit is established, a certain amount of emotional comfort will follow, even if you don't necessarily feel the love all the time.
Faking love or other emotion may actually be counterproductive in your situation, I don't know. It gets pretty exhausting to pretend to feel something, to be somebody, who you really aren't, and the kids will figure it out anyway. At preteen-to-teenage years, a lot of kids want to start to be treated as adults, so maybe capitalize on that--do fist bumps and high fives instead of so many hugs. This might also be more consistent with your comfort level.
Also, maybe make an effort to involve them with your kids too, because that might help to promote their (and your) sense of family.
By the way, you're not a monster. A monster is a person who is too indifferent about other people to try not to hurt them. You don't sound like that.
posted by _cave at 8:39 PM on April 8, 2010
I have an older half-brother who met my mom when he was 11. Growing up, I was clearly the "perfect child" while he was the "bad one", and my mom never let us forget it. To get away from her, my brother started sleeping in his truck when he was 16 and has only occasionally contacted us since. I can't even imagine how much he resents my mom (she was truly horrible), but I, the biological daughter, hate her too for driving away my only sibling when I was too young to understand.
Not only do your stepchildren know you favor the others, your biological children will, too. Stop being a child and bestow some real affection on your stepchildren.
posted by acidic at 8:41 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Not only do your stepchildren know you favor the others, your biological children will, too. Stop being a child and bestow some real affection on your stepchildren.
posted by acidic at 8:41 PM on April 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Real affection can be complex. It doesn't always have to be slobbering huggy-kissy. It can be taking the effort to talk freely to your (step) family, taking them seriously, and letting them know that you care about them.
posted by ovvl at 8:50 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ovvl at 8:50 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
One of the roles of a father is to provide a safe and nurturing environment for his children. Sounds like you are doing that. Simple things like driving a kid to a baseball practice means a lot to them whether they know it now or not. I would argue that you are being a great father to your step-kids, just not the touchy feely way with them. What does you wife think?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:14 PM on April 8, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:14 PM on April 8, 2010
I should, in a perfect world, love them all equally
Nope.
Everybody has favorites. Some kids are just more lovable than others. True fact.
What matters is not loving them equally but treating them fairly. And fairly doesn't even necessarily mean giving them all equal amounts of your time, or your money, or hugs, or anything else: it means paying equal attention to fulfilling their needs.
Feelings are simply not something human beings don't have direct rational control over, and you need not upset yourself for being a human being. What we do have a large degree of rational control over is what we choose to do.
...smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward.
And I'd bet money that the older children would feel every bit as weird and awkward about it as you do. So, instead of beating yourself up for being an asshole, which is unfair because you're not one, give yourself credit for instinctively recognizing what your older children actually need from you and responding perfectly appropriately.
Twenty years down the track, I would be very very surprised to find that twenty years spent treating your kids fairly hasn't left you with a deep and abiding love for each and every one of them.
posted by flabdablet at 10:35 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nope.
Everybody has favorites. Some kids are just more lovable than others. True fact.
What matters is not loving them equally but treating them fairly. And fairly doesn't even necessarily mean giving them all equal amounts of your time, or your money, or hugs, or anything else: it means paying equal attention to fulfilling their needs.
Feelings are simply not something human beings don't have direct rational control over, and you need not upset yourself for being a human being. What we do have a large degree of rational control over is what we choose to do.
...smother them with kisses, and say "I love you" practically non-stop with them. I can't do either of those to the SK because it would feel extremely weird and awkward.
And I'd bet money that the older children would feel every bit as weird and awkward about it as you do. So, instead of beating yourself up for being an asshole, which is unfair because you're not one, give yourself credit for instinctively recognizing what your older children actually need from you and responding perfectly appropriately.
Twenty years down the track, I would be very very surprised to find that twenty years spent treating your kids fairly hasn't left you with a deep and abiding love for each and every one of them.
posted by flabdablet at 10:35 PM on April 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Correction:
Feelings are simply not something human beingsdon't have direct rational control over...
posted by flabdablet at 10:37 PM on April 8, 2010
Feelings are simply not something human beings
posted by flabdablet at 10:37 PM on April 8, 2010
You know, I just reread this and I've been thinking (your post struck me because as I had noted, I had a completely uninterested stepfather).
Are you a monster? Of course not, but you know that's not REALLY the question, right?
All parents have different bonds with their kids. Heck, I have three biological kids of my own and yes, I love them all, but of course I have different bonds with them. One is the chill on the couch kid, one makes me laugh uproariously, and the other can be the one to have great conversations with (just to name a few separate things I enjoy about the kids).
To your question of is it normal and okay to feel differently about each kid, the answer is "Of course!"
But your unspoken question of "Is it okay to have obviously different levels of affection toward them?" requires another response:
Of course it isn't because kids are absolutely tallying who gets what treatment from you. Favoritism is mentally noted and filed for future seething.
Don't look for absolution because your little ones are little and easy to cuddle and kiss and teens balk at that.
Think of it this way: be involved with all of them emotionally and don't show favoritism.
posted by dzaz at 2:42 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you a monster? Of course not, but you know that's not REALLY the question, right?
All parents have different bonds with their kids. Heck, I have three biological kids of my own and yes, I love them all, but of course I have different bonds with them. One is the chill on the couch kid, one makes me laugh uproariously, and the other can be the one to have great conversations with (just to name a few separate things I enjoy about the kids).
To your question of is it normal and okay to feel differently about each kid, the answer is "Of course!"
But your unspoken question of "Is it okay to have obviously different levels of affection toward them?" requires another response:
Of course it isn't because kids are absolutely tallying who gets what treatment from you. Favoritism is mentally noted and filed for future seething.
Don't look for absolution because your little ones are little and easy to cuddle and kiss and teens balk at that.
Think of it this way: be involved with all of them emotionally and don't show favoritism.
posted by dzaz at 2:42 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are so many different ways to love children. Find them out! You may not feel as huggy towards your stepkids, but then you can show them your love in other ways. Like every week taking them for walks for some dad time and really listening to them. Dad time matters - more, in some ways, than hugginess does. And by all means explain to them that you love them but sometimes have a hard time showing it. Tell them how wonderful they are. Just start. Do it.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:39 AM on April 9, 2010
posted by Omnomnom at 7:39 AM on April 9, 2010
A trendy thing in psych circles lately is "good enough" parenting. I would try to make some emotional in-roads with your step kids but if all else fails just keep trying for a "B" in parenting class. "Good enough" is okay sometimes. If your step-kids' experience in your home is quiet enough that they won't be able to write a book like Running With Scissors or something they'll be okay. Keep trying, though. In my experience something positive will happen between you and a teen and the teen will not mention it until, like, 6 months later. Or they'll be crazy about you but barely even talk to you. Or you'll see them modeling something you did/said with their friends. Don't give up. Kudos for having cojones enough to ask the question! And what does your wife think? I bet she sees it and has some advice for you and will be glad you asked.
posted by ShadePlant at 7:46 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ShadePlant at 7:46 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
One of the worst, most destructive things my stepparent and parent did was insist that the stepparent was just like a "real" parent, that they loved me like their own children, etc., and that I had to reciprocate that. It is much, much healthier to accept the reality of however you actually feel about them, focusing on bettering quality of the relationship (if you feel like it needs to be bettered) rather than trying to live up to some abstract ideal of "love."
And I agree with other posters - the fact that you're even giving any thought to this makes you heads and shoulders above many other stepparents.
posted by yarly at 11:04 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
And I agree with other posters - the fact that you're even giving any thought to this makes you heads and shoulders above many other stepparents.
posted by yarly at 11:04 AM on April 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Me and my SO talked about this issue while we try for another kid, and she gets that I'm going to have a deeper connection with my biological child than with her children. We agreed that that's ok, even expected. What reasonably intelligent individual WOULDN'T recognize that a relationship with your own child starts out deeper than with step children? You meet the step children after they've already been through some life experiences. You are an addition. With your own child, you are a constant. Of course the relationship is going to feel different. Duh. What matters isn't what you feel, but how you act. "Actions speak louder than words".
posted by BigBenInLondon at 9:33 AM on August 5, 2010
posted by BigBenInLondon at 9:33 AM on August 5, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Are you behaving decently and kindly to them? Are you there for them when they need you? You do know that love is a verb? To them, they perceive this as love, and this is what they need from you.
PS-you will still love your biological children deeply but how that feels will also feel different when THEY reach teen years. Just sayin'.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:20 PM on April 8, 2010 [3 favorites]