The art of not sounding boring
March 14, 2010 4:24 AM
How best to answer informal but sincere questions along the lines of 'What's been going on in your life?'
When others ask that question, I tend to freeze and not know what to say. Not out of any social anxiety. I just don't know how to answer.
I am ok with specific or immediate questions like - 'What's on for the weekend?' or 'What did you get up to last night?' I'm also fine with vaguer questions like 'Tell me about yourself' - since the ambit is so vast that you can talk about anything that interests you.
But it's the medium-range questions like 'what's been happening lately' or 'what's interesting?' that I have trouble answering. I usually say something like 'oh, the usual - work, school, I've also started volunteering at X place' but I recognise that this is not the most scintillating reply.
Part of it is that the question calls more something more substantive than the cool bar you went to last night, but less long-term than your general aspirations and so on. I'm not the type to keep yearly resolutions and I'm pretty consistent in my week-to-week habits. Most of my passions/interests/things that drive me are not things with immediate pizzazz: I love music, languages, I eat out a lot, I know my beers, have travelled, I'm finishing up a double degree at university, have an interesting part-time job, swim regularly, etc. But all of those things are long-term, consistent things.
Recent travel is a great thing to talk about but that gets passe quickly. I realise that the question is not meant to be an ultra-serious canvassing of your interests. I just want a way to answer the question without seeming like a dull bore.
Am I just thinking about it all wrong?
When others ask that question, I tend to freeze and not know what to say. Not out of any social anxiety. I just don't know how to answer.
I am ok with specific or immediate questions like - 'What's on for the weekend?' or 'What did you get up to last night?' I'm also fine with vaguer questions like 'Tell me about yourself' - since the ambit is so vast that you can talk about anything that interests you.
But it's the medium-range questions like 'what's been happening lately' or 'what's interesting?' that I have trouble answering. I usually say something like 'oh, the usual - work, school, I've also started volunteering at X place' but I recognise that this is not the most scintillating reply.
Part of it is that the question calls more something more substantive than the cool bar you went to last night, but less long-term than your general aspirations and so on. I'm not the type to keep yearly resolutions and I'm pretty consistent in my week-to-week habits. Most of my passions/interests/things that drive me are not things with immediate pizzazz: I love music, languages, I eat out a lot, I know my beers, have travelled, I'm finishing up a double degree at university, have an interesting part-time job, swim regularly, etc. But all of those things are long-term, consistent things.
Recent travel is a great thing to talk about but that gets passe quickly. I realise that the question is not meant to be an ultra-serious canvassing of your interests. I just want a way to answer the question without seeming like a dull bore.
Am I just thinking about it all wrong?
I usually answer with the longer-term goals, but ones I've set fairly recently, or ones I've achieved recently. Example: Well, nothing TOO exciting. I just finally figured out how to play Cowboy's Dream on my banjo. I also just made myself a cigar box guitar and I'm trying to learn how to play it from videos on YouTube, but for now I suck pretty bad. (laugh) And I'm trying to run 5K in 20 minutes, but I may never get there, we'll see. What about yourself?
Just mention your long-term goals and add a status update of any milestones you've recently achieved or are currently working towards.
I find that a much preferable and easier question to answer than "So what do you do for fun?" Ugh. It's pretty much asking me to simplify myself to a label as a [blank]-er for the asker. I hate that. Which reminds me, I still need to come up with a scripted answer for that so when I get shotgunned by that question I don't have to stammer like an idiot.
posted by ctmf at 4:53 AM on March 14, 2010
Just mention your long-term goals and add a status update of any milestones you've recently achieved or are currently working towards.
I find that a much preferable and easier question to answer than "So what do you do for fun?" Ugh. It's pretty much asking me to simplify myself to a label as a [blank]-er for the asker. I hate that. Which reminds me, I still need to come up with a scripted answer for that so when I get shotgunned by that question I don't have to stammer like an idiot.
posted by ctmf at 4:53 AM on March 14, 2010
"How's your research going?" "Honestly, I have no idea [laughs]".
But seriously,
unless someone has a specific interest in your work/hobbies/private situation, answers like "ah well the usual I guess. Waiting for spring to come so I can do my reading on the porch instead of in the stuffy office, you know - can I buy you a coffee?" are often more than enough.
Other than that, prepare yourself by answering these questions for yourself. How have your general aspirations boiled down into short-term action over the last week or so? What stuck out as especially important? This will be good for a few sentences. Often this is already too much for the people who asked: watch their eyes glaze over and stop.
[of course the answer to "what's interesting" ought to be "I am, but you'll have to challenge me"].
posted by Namlit at 4:53 AM on March 14, 2010
But seriously,
unless someone has a specific interest in your work/hobbies/private situation, answers like "ah well the usual I guess. Waiting for spring to come so I can do my reading on the porch instead of in the stuffy office, you know - can I buy you a coffee?" are often more than enough.
Other than that, prepare yourself by answering these questions for yourself. How have your general aspirations boiled down into short-term action over the last week or so? What stuck out as especially important? This will be good for a few sentences. Often this is already too much for the people who asked: watch their eyes glaze over and stop.
[of course the answer to "what's interesting" ought to be "I am, but you'll have to challenge me"].
posted by Namlit at 4:53 AM on March 14, 2010
I think you've touched on this a bit in your [more inside] explanation, but I suspect that the pressure or anxiety you're feeling about this question stems from your expectation (and possibly your perception of what others' expectations are) that the answer to this question should be reflective of your identity and a perfectly balanced and representative slice of your life at that moment.
There's two things I can think of that might help to keep in mind here:
1. People want things to say to other people that follow norms and aren't too 'out there'. Asking what's going on in someone's life is a socialized convention; a thing to say. It's not that people don't care about the answer or what's going on in your life (I'm sure they do), but they are also just doing the little human conversation dance. Then they move on dance with somebody else. Nobody is particularly good at it; we just do the steps we know and shuffle along, trying to stay on the beat.
2. There is a lot of other information being conveyed to your interlocuter, regardless of the actual words you string together in your reply. Basically, it doesn't matter how you respond. Your body language, intonation, pausing, pacing, volume, length of turn, twinkle in your eye, whatever...these things all have things to say about what's going on in your life. The words are just the framing; the hooks to hang all the expression on.
In sum, if you've got something going on in your life, people will know, regardless of what you say. Bumble through the formalities and don't worry about it so much.
Also...all your long term projects...they're made up of phases, events, parts, setbacks and opportunities. Pick a topic and report on the last step you took regarding that.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:23 AM on March 14, 2010
There's two things I can think of that might help to keep in mind here:
1. People want things to say to other people that follow norms and aren't too 'out there'. Asking what's going on in someone's life is a socialized convention; a thing to say. It's not that people don't care about the answer or what's going on in your life (I'm sure they do), but they are also just doing the little human conversation dance. Then they move on dance with somebody else. Nobody is particularly good at it; we just do the steps we know and shuffle along, trying to stay on the beat.
2. There is a lot of other information being conveyed to your interlocuter, regardless of the actual words you string together in your reply. Basically, it doesn't matter how you respond. Your body language, intonation, pausing, pacing, volume, length of turn, twinkle in your eye, whatever...these things all have things to say about what's going on in your life. The words are just the framing; the hooks to hang all the expression on.
In sum, if you've got something going on in your life, people will know, regardless of what you say. Bumble through the formalities and don't worry about it so much.
Also...all your long term projects...they're made up of phases, events, parts, setbacks and opportunities. Pick a topic and report on the last step you took regarding that.
posted by iamkimiam at 5:23 AM on March 14, 2010
It's kind of a boring question which gets a boring answer: I wouldn't worry about it. If you could say "It's amazing! I went on a 60-minute space-trip on Spaceship I" I'm sure that would be scintillating and something to talk about, but the fact you found a great new place to drink coffee or had a raise at work is probably not going to get anyone excited.
A better opening gambit to such a conversation would be to say "I went to the theatre and saw the most amazing production of ..." and then you could respond to that. But "Whassup?" is kind of a lame question so it's a bit tricky to develop the answer very well.
It's probably an English thing, btw, but there used to be a saying that the definition of a bore was someone who (upon being asked "Are you well?") actually told you. It's a question which demands a vague, basically up-beat answer rather than a run-down of your medical history.
posted by BrokenEnglish at 5:26 AM on March 14, 2010
A better opening gambit to such a conversation would be to say "I went to the theatre and saw the most amazing production of ..." and then you could respond to that. But "Whassup?" is kind of a lame question so it's a bit tricky to develop the answer very well.
It's probably an English thing, btw, but there used to be a saying that the definition of a bore was someone who (upon being asked "Are you well?") actually told you. It's a question which demands a vague, basically up-beat answer rather than a run-down of your medical history.
posted by BrokenEnglish at 5:26 AM on March 14, 2010
Somebody is just bored and wants to open-up a conversation/dialog. Often because they have something they want to talk about. People like to talk about themselves. So, if there's nothing substantial on your side, fire it back at them. Could be a good talk.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 5:42 AM on March 14, 2010
posted by hungrysquirrels at 5:42 AM on March 14, 2010
Coming in to second the good replies of everyone here. This pretty well sums it up: It's a question which demands a vague, basically up-beat answer. These kinds of answers I have found work well: "Well, nothing TOO exciting. I just finally figured out how to play Cowboy's Dream on my banjo." or "I've started volunteering at X place. It's really cool, I've been learning a lot! [&c.] How about you?" or "ah well the usual I guess. Waiting for spring to come so I can do my reading on the porch instead of in the stuffy office, you know - can I buy you a coffee?"
Promotions are a dream topic in my workplace, because promotions are actually so rare that this would be notable, so casual work acquaintances would be interested in the fact that someone got one, as they all know about the time and amazing amount of work you go through in order to get one, but you obviously need to tailor this to your workplace circumstances.
(I myself have been struggling with dealing with the same question for some months, because people do expect a basically upbeat answer. I work in a big place, and I know a lot of people, but some I don't see that often. Since my mother died not so long ago, I've been struggling to let people know that fact who would be offended if I did not tell them something so significant to me, but also trying to do it in a way to downplay the grief involved. Yaghhhh. Not my favorite question either, come to think of it.)
posted by gudrun at 6:21 AM on March 14, 2010
Promotions are a dream topic in my workplace, because promotions are actually so rare that this would be notable, so casual work acquaintances would be interested in the fact that someone got one, as they all know about the time and amazing amount of work you go through in order to get one, but you obviously need to tailor this to your workplace circumstances.
(I myself have been struggling with dealing with the same question for some months, because people do expect a basically upbeat answer. I work in a big place, and I know a lot of people, but some I don't see that often. Since my mother died not so long ago, I've been struggling to let people know that fact who would be offended if I did not tell them something so significant to me, but also trying to do it in a way to downplay the grief involved. Yaghhhh. Not my favorite question either, come to think of it.)
posted by gudrun at 6:21 AM on March 14, 2010
I usually just tell people what I've been reading, or about whatever weirdos I've met on public transport lately. Ask me a ridiculously open ended question like that, and I'm damn well going to talk about something entertaining.
posted by Jilder at 7:24 AM on March 14, 2010
posted by Jilder at 7:24 AM on March 14, 2010
I think the background is: tell me something interesting that I didn't know. So, I don't know, do that. Or just say: "I've been doing a little of everything. How about you?"
On the flip side, I often find myself seeing people I haven't see in a while and I want to catch up with them. So I ask "what's new?" and they often freeze. I wish I knew how to do it better. I do have better luck sometimes just saying "it's good to see you" and leaving it there, but often that just dies too.
posted by argybarg at 8:02 AM on March 14, 2010
On the flip side, I often find myself seeing people I haven't see in a while and I want to catch up with them. So I ask "what's new?" and they often freeze. I wish I knew how to do it better. I do have better luck sometimes just saying "it's good to see you" and leaving it there, but often that just dies too.
posted by argybarg at 8:02 AM on March 14, 2010
I came in here to say what jilder said except about what TV show I'm currently obsessed with. After about 15 minutes of my excited lecture about why Caprica is the greatest work of mankind they usually dont ask me that question again (memail me for more details omgomg)
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:35 AM on March 14, 2010
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:35 AM on March 14, 2010
Most of my passions/interests/things that drive me are not things with immediate pizzazz
People who are interested in things are interesting. So even if your hobbies are, to you, sort of straightforward and possibly typical, to other people the fact that you are someone who is into things [though maybe not to the level Potomac Ave suggests] is a neat thing. And also gives a way for conversation to move forward. I also get a little deer-in-headlights with this sort of question so I've developed sort of a stock answer so I don't have to think much. Usually it's something like "Oh great there's been [thing that happened since we last talked] and lately I've been doing [thing I'm really interested in]. Thing with [relationship-interest] are going well. Next week I'm doing [thing]"
If it's a good friend I think they want to know if I'm doing better or doing worse, sincerely. If it's a work acquaintance I assume they want to have a conversation in a more general sense and are looking for some openers. So, this week I'm at SXSW and people ask conversational openers a lot so I've been saying something along the lines of "Things are going great. I've been preparing for my panel. My job in Vermont teaching email to old people is going well. Jim's doing great. I'm going to Portland next week and I'm psyched about it. How about you?"
So, a little background, a little personal, a little "what I'm doing now" and a little "what's coming up.
posted by jessamyn at 10:44 AM on March 14, 2010
People who are interested in things are interesting. So even if your hobbies are, to you, sort of straightforward and possibly typical, to other people the fact that you are someone who is into things [though maybe not to the level Potomac Ave suggests] is a neat thing. And also gives a way for conversation to move forward. I also get a little deer-in-headlights with this sort of question so I've developed sort of a stock answer so I don't have to think much. Usually it's something like "Oh great there's been [thing that happened since we last talked] and lately I've been doing [thing I'm really interested in]. Thing with [relationship-interest] are going well. Next week I'm doing [thing]"
If it's a good friend I think they want to know if I'm doing better or doing worse, sincerely. If it's a work acquaintance I assume they want to have a conversation in a more general sense and are looking for some openers. So, this week I'm at SXSW and people ask conversational openers a lot so I've been saying something along the lines of "Things are going great. I've been preparing for my panel. My job in Vermont teaching email to old people is going well. Jim's doing great. I'm going to Portland next week and I'm psyched about it. How about you?"
So, a little background, a little personal, a little "what I'm doing now" and a little "what's coming up.
posted by jessamyn at 10:44 AM on March 14, 2010
A better opening gambit to such a conversation would be to say "I went to the theatre and saw the most amazing production of ..." and then you could respond to that. But "Whassup?" is kind of a lame question so it's a bit tricky to develop the answer very well.
well, it's just playing it the other way around - "wassup?" is allowing you to tell the story about going to the theatre. If you have no such story, you can always turn it around to, "nothing much, what about you" and hope they have such a story. But they're giving you the opportunity to tell your interesting story first.
So, don't focus on answering the question. Focus on starting a conversation. it's just an invitation for you to share something of your choice.
posted by mdn at 12:39 PM on March 14, 2010
well, it's just playing it the other way around - "wassup?" is allowing you to tell the story about going to the theatre. If you have no such story, you can always turn it around to, "nothing much, what about you" and hope they have such a story. But they're giving you the opportunity to tell your interesting story first.
So, don't focus on answering the question. Focus on starting a conversation. it's just an invitation for you to share something of your choice.
posted by mdn at 12:39 PM on March 14, 2010
So, don't focus on answering the question. Focus on starting a conversation. it's just an invitation for you to share something of your choice.
Yes. When I ask this question to people I see reasonably often, it's exactly this.
"So, what's new?"
"Ah, not much. Trucking along. Say, did you see those people out by the main entrance today? Wonder what that's all about." etc --
Mention a hobby, a funny news story, a movie you saw, a house project you've been thinking about, a vacation, whatever. Then we're ready to make a little chitchat about a topic of modest interest. (And of course, if something really momentous is happening, you can tell me too.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:35 PM on March 14, 2010
Yes. When I ask this question to people I see reasonably often, it's exactly this.
"So, what's new?"
"Ah, not much. Trucking along. Say, did you see those people out by the main entrance today? Wonder what that's all about." etc --
Mention a hobby, a funny news story, a movie you saw, a house project you've been thinking about, a vacation, whatever. Then we're ready to make a little chitchat about a topic of modest interest. (And of course, if something really momentous is happening, you can tell me too.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:35 PM on March 14, 2010
I hate this question too. With good friends, it's just not a problem, it's casual acquaintances or work colleagues I have a problem with.
I tend to respond in a way that opens up the conversation. If we have a mutual friend, it's often along the lines of "I went round to Julie's for dinner last week - their new house is lovely / the kids are growing up so quickly / she mentioned that she's taken up skydiving". If I can remember what we talked about last time we saw each other, it's something that ties in with that "oh, I went to see that movie you mentioned - it was great / rubbish" or "I've really got into Thai cooking" or "Probably the highlight of the last couple of months was the trip to Argentina", giving them something that they can ask questions about and add their own stories to. Basically anything that gives them an easy way of segueing into their own stories, without saying "not much, what about you?".
You can always answer the "so what's new?" question as if it was the "so what did you do on the weekend?" question too. It's an opening gambit, someone's trying to make conversation, you don't need to take it literally.
posted by finding.perdita at 3:30 PM on March 14, 2010
I tend to respond in a way that opens up the conversation. If we have a mutual friend, it's often along the lines of "I went round to Julie's for dinner last week - their new house is lovely / the kids are growing up so quickly / she mentioned that she's taken up skydiving". If I can remember what we talked about last time we saw each other, it's something that ties in with that "oh, I went to see that movie you mentioned - it was great / rubbish" or "I've really got into Thai cooking" or "Probably the highlight of the last couple of months was the trip to Argentina", giving them something that they can ask questions about and add their own stories to. Basically anything that gives them an easy way of segueing into their own stories, without saying "not much, what about you?".
You can always answer the "so what's new?" question as if it was the "so what did you do on the weekend?" question too. It's an opening gambit, someone's trying to make conversation, you don't need to take it literally.
posted by finding.perdita at 3:30 PM on March 14, 2010
It's an opening gambit
Exactly. I had a friend who used to ask some variant of "what's the big news" and at some point I mentioned to him that I felt sort of put on the spot, or forced to reveal that I did not, in fact, have big news and that I felt weird about constantly being asked. He was surprised and basically said that this was his way of sort of having a script that would get people to talk about something other than the perfunctory "how are you" opener. So we got to talk about better alternatives and now he uses those. Assume other people may be as clueless as you may be and work accordingly towards something more harmonious, is my advice.
posted by jessamyn at 3:50 PM on March 14, 2010
Exactly. I had a friend who used to ask some variant of "what's the big news" and at some point I mentioned to him that I felt sort of put on the spot, or forced to reveal that I did not, in fact, have big news and that I felt weird about constantly being asked. He was surprised and basically said that this was his way of sort of having a script that would get people to talk about something other than the perfunctory "how are you" opener. So we got to talk about better alternatives and now he uses those. Assume other people may be as clueless as you may be and work accordingly towards something more harmonious, is my advice.
posted by jessamyn at 3:50 PM on March 14, 2010
Thank you all for the insightful comments! I'm sure I will get many occasions to try out your advice. Thanks again.
posted by kid A at 4:15 AM on March 16, 2010
posted by kid A at 4:15 AM on March 16, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mail at 4:42 AM on March 14, 2010