Relationship 101
February 22, 2010 3:46 PM
RelationshipFilter: How do you go from thinking about "me" to thinking about "us"?
I'm a very independent person. I've always done what I wanted to do and go where I've wanted to go, and it's never affected anyone else before. All my past relationships, aside from the 3-year one I had when I was in high school (which I'm not sure really counts), have been short-term. But now I've met someone who might be The One, and I have no idea how to plan my future with someone else in mind. Neither of us want to settle down in the suburbs and have a white picket fence and 2.5 kids, but he wants us to start thinking of where WE want to be down the road, while all I can think of us is, "I want to get my PhD and I want to live here and I want to go there and wouldn't it be cool if..." There's no one there but me when I plan these things; not him, not some hypothetical partner, not my family, just me.
Yesterday, my partner told me he's starting to hold himself back because he's noticed that when I talk about my future, it never includes him. But I do want to be with him for the long run, and I want to be able to think of my future and imagine him in it. Am I selfish or just scared? How do you learn how to compromise and build a life together when you're used to doing everything alone?
I'm a very independent person. I've always done what I wanted to do and go where I've wanted to go, and it's never affected anyone else before. All my past relationships, aside from the 3-year one I had when I was in high school (which I'm not sure really counts), have been short-term. But now I've met someone who might be The One, and I have no idea how to plan my future with someone else in mind. Neither of us want to settle down in the suburbs and have a white picket fence and 2.5 kids, but he wants us to start thinking of where WE want to be down the road, while all I can think of us is, "I want to get my PhD and I want to live here and I want to go there and wouldn't it be cool if..." There's no one there but me when I plan these things; not him, not some hypothetical partner, not my family, just me.
Yesterday, my partner told me he's starting to hold himself back because he's noticed that when I talk about my future, it never includes him. But I do want to be with him for the long run, and I want to be able to think of my future and imagine him in it. Am I selfish or just scared? How do you learn how to compromise and build a life together when you're used to doing everything alone?
Netbros has it right out of the gate. I suspect it's just a typo, but "automagically" is a perfectly apt coinage for the transformation in your thinking when you actually know deep, deep down that the relationship is forever.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:58 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:58 PM on February 22, 2010
I don't know if you are or not scared -- only you can say for sure -- but when you're busy planning your future it sounds like it doesn't include this person. There are plenty of possible reasons for this: you may actually prefer a future without him; you may just be selfish or inconsiderate or pining for the loss of your independence; you may have failed to consider what you want in a relationship.
If you wanted to include this person in your future, you'd make plans that do so because it's what you want. So why aren't you?
" I have no idea how to plan my future with someone else in mind"
It's so easy I can't even tell you how to do it: If you want the person there, you consider their wants and needs on equal footing with your own. If you're not doing this there is a reason. Figure out what that reason is, and soon.
Does his future not concern you? Are your personal goals too precious to you to consider the desires and needs of others? Do you not want a partnered relationship, but something less intimate? Your goal should be to figure out why you conceive your ideal future self as single, then decide if your plans should change, if you should change, or your relationship should change.
posted by majick at 4:15 PM on February 22, 2010
If you wanted to include this person in your future, you'd make plans that do so because it's what you want. So why aren't you?
" I have no idea how to plan my future with someone else in mind"
It's so easy I can't even tell you how to do it: If you want the person there, you consider their wants and needs on equal footing with your own. If you're not doing this there is a reason. Figure out what that reason is, and soon.
Does his future not concern you? Are your personal goals too precious to you to consider the desires and needs of others? Do you not want a partnered relationship, but something less intimate? Your goal should be to figure out why you conceive your ideal future self as single, then decide if your plans should change, if you should change, or your relationship should change.
posted by majick at 4:15 PM on February 22, 2010
You could consider the zombie apocalypse - you'll definitely stand a better chance at survival with your trusted partner at your side, watching your back.
Seriously though, I think this is something that happens - not sure you can force it. I think it's a good sign in a relationship when it happens, but it doesn't have to right out of the gate. I wouldn't get married until it feels natural to think of him in your future.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 4:39 PM on February 22, 2010
Seriously though, I think this is something that happens - not sure you can force it. I think it's a good sign in a relationship when it happens, but it doesn't have to right out of the gate. I wouldn't get married until it feels natural to think of him in your future.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 4:39 PM on February 22, 2010
I've been in your shoes, and felt the same way. I eventually found myself thinking about my partner in my long-term plans automatically, even if my independent nature still gets me in trouble when I don't think about her short-term (like forgetting to call when I am running late... ;-) ).
What others have said holds true, but there is a certain shift that comes with the realization that you have opportunities you didn't have before. In the beginning, my long-term planning for weekend plans took her into account, because I *wanted* them to - I wanted to be with her. Later, it became possibilities - In my case, buying a house - ANY house, not just the suburban white picket fence - took her into account.
Start small, and let it progress. If you find that you can't begin to include your partner in routine planning on a daily, weekly, or monthly level, long-term is out of the question.
posted by GJSchaller at 4:45 PM on February 22, 2010
What others have said holds true, but there is a certain shift that comes with the realization that you have opportunities you didn't have before. In the beginning, my long-term planning for weekend plans took her into account, because I *wanted* them to - I wanted to be with her. Later, it became possibilities - In my case, buying a house - ANY house, not just the suburban white picket fence - took her into account.
Start small, and let it progress. If you find that you can't begin to include your partner in routine planning on a daily, weekly, or monthly level, long-term is out of the question.
posted by GJSchaller at 4:45 PM on February 22, 2010
When you are totally convinced in your own mind that he is the one, thinking of "us" will just happen automagically.
netbros is smart and this is 95% correct-- unless, OP (or Future Concerned Reader), you have previously been in situations where people routinely denied you your autonomy and your resultant independence was really, really hard-won.
In that sort of situation, I think clinging to "I" is normal and requires some work on those past issues to get to "us." Having "the one" is not a magic bullet for that sort of prior transgression..
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:48 PM on February 22, 2010
netbros is smart and this is 95% correct-- unless, OP (or Future Concerned Reader), you have previously been in situations where people routinely denied you your autonomy and your resultant independence was really, really hard-won.
In that sort of situation, I think clinging to "I" is normal and requires some work on those past issues to get to "us." Having "the one" is not a magic bullet for that sort of prior transgression..
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:48 PM on February 22, 2010
I don't see anything wrong with what you are thinking. Some people's ideas of relationships are different, and some people's imaginations are different. And I think there is some value in having (and thinking about) a "me" plan. When you think about what you want out of life, it makes it easier to articulate it to others, and to balance that with their desires.
Where it becomes important, though, is where the rubber meets the road. If you and your SO are talking about "the next step", what are your feelings? If you imagine graduating and moving to Mexico City and opening a taco stand, and your SO is against that, where do you imagine the decision process going? You relent and become wistful and resentful, or he relents and you get your way without regard for what he wanted, or do you (or can you) imagine coming up with a compromise? If you feel like a compromise is OK (and so does your SO), then you are probably in a "we" place.
(also, make sure and figure out if your SO's "we" doesn't really mean "me" from his perspective.)
I call BS on the "if you aren't, it is for a reason" pronouncements. People have all kinds of different ways to imagine the future, and some people don't even imagine the future at all- they just sort of go with the flow and live in the moment, and planning is more abstract. "Someday I want to be a banker, so I better sign up for banker classes." Then, they decide what to do next when the banker classes are almost done. Not everyone is a planner, and not everyone needs to have a travel partner in their plans for the future.
posted by gjc at 4:54 PM on February 22, 2010
Where it becomes important, though, is where the rubber meets the road. If you and your SO are talking about "the next step", what are your feelings? If you imagine graduating and moving to Mexico City and opening a taco stand, and your SO is against that, where do you imagine the decision process going? You relent and become wistful and resentful, or he relents and you get your way without regard for what he wanted, or do you (or can you) imagine coming up with a compromise? If you feel like a compromise is OK (and so does your SO), then you are probably in a "we" place.
(also, make sure and figure out if your SO's "we" doesn't really mean "me" from his perspective.)
I call BS on the "if you aren't, it is for a reason" pronouncements. People have all kinds of different ways to imagine the future, and some people don't even imagine the future at all- they just sort of go with the flow and live in the moment, and planning is more abstract. "Someday I want to be a banker, so I better sign up for banker classes." Then, they decide what to do next when the banker classes are almost done. Not everyone is a planner, and not everyone needs to have a travel partner in their plans for the future.
posted by gjc at 4:54 PM on February 22, 2010
What I did was construct this non corporeal entity called The Relationship in my mind. There are things I do for myself, things I do for Mrs. sid, and things I do for the insatiable monster known as The Relationship.
Things I do for the relationship are not necessarily pleasant for myself. They're not even necessarily pleasant for Mrs. sid. But The Relationship needs to be fed.
I think adopting this mindset can be useful to you too. You can talk to your boyfriend about what The Relationship needs. There has to be a healthy balance between meeting your needs, meeting his needs, and meeting The Relationship's needs.
Thankfully, but, also, annoyingly, The Relationship is mute and completely powerless. It's up to you two to figure out what The Relationship needs right now.
posted by sid at 5:03 PM on February 22, 2010
Things I do for the relationship are not necessarily pleasant for myself. They're not even necessarily pleasant for Mrs. sid. But The Relationship needs to be fed.
I think adopting this mindset can be useful to you too. You can talk to your boyfriend about what The Relationship needs. There has to be a healthy balance between meeting your needs, meeting his needs, and meeting The Relationship's needs.
Thankfully, but, also, annoyingly, The Relationship is mute and completely powerless. It's up to you two to figure out what The Relationship needs right now.
posted by sid at 5:03 PM on February 22, 2010
If you are a female, I hope for the sake of evolving gender roles that you are not thinking he's "The One" because you want to be a good girl.
With fairytale of los angeles' caveat, what everyone tells you is true - thinking of "us" is mostly just going to happen, even if you have to nudge it along a little like sid. You can't make this happen the way you can come up with a strategy to do your laundry every week or remembering to floss. Do you really, deeply, have a desire to be in an us - or do you want what you have with this guy and you've got the idea that what you have right now is supposed to lead to something that might not make sense for you right now?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:10 PM on February 22, 2010
With fairytale of los angeles' caveat, what everyone tells you is true - thinking of "us" is mostly just going to happen, even if you have to nudge it along a little like sid. You can't make this happen the way you can come up with a strategy to do your laundry every week or remembering to floss. Do you really, deeply, have a desire to be in an us - or do you want what you have with this guy and you've got the idea that what you have right now is supposed to lead to something that might not make sense for you right now?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:10 PM on February 22, 2010
If you've "always done what you wanted to do and gone where you've wanted to go", then it sounds like you have sufficiently little "us" at present that it makes planning for a future "us" difficult. You might change this by spending more time together on a regular basis, travelling together, moving in together, etc. I don't see how an "us" can emerge without doing mundane things together. Which you're doing, right? If there are underlying reasons why you're not, you need to acknowledge them.
Without knowing more about your situation, it's unclear whether the mismatch is due to you not being able to picture a future together or due to him looking forward beyond what the history of your relationship so far suggests.
posted by parudox at 5:22 PM on February 22, 2010
Without knowing more about your situation, it's unclear whether the mismatch is due to you not being able to picture a future together or due to him looking forward beyond what the history of your relationship so far suggests.
posted by parudox at 5:22 PM on February 22, 2010
Nthing that the kind of thinking just spontaneously happens; there comes a point where you're not willing to give up that person's company in the same way that you're not willing to give up other stuff, like careers and education and all that. Sometimes you'll find that you want less of the stuff you used to want if it means sacrificing some of that person's company; I used to want a career that happened to involve twelve-to-sixteen hour days, but once I got closer to my now-husband and got some practice at what working those kinds of hours would be like, even though I liked the work alright I realized I was much less happier than before because I was seeing less of him. So I found other goals that I now like better than my old goal. It didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything, but gaining something much more important. It wasn't a hard decision, in other words, it was a change in mindset and priorities that just happened.
I don't know how long you've been with this guy, but it can take time to reach the point where they become such a priority that your other priorities change. Generally speaking, the person has to have become a sort of fixture of your life, something that's been there a while, for you to feel you can't easily go without them. This is more mundane than exciting; it's not like they do something special or something amazing happens so that the priority shift is obvious.
With me, I think it took three or four years -- I knew after a year that I wanted to spend my life with him, but the actual prioritizing and life-planning didn't seem to kick in until later. My husband's line of work means there are only a few cities in the U.S. he can work, for example, and he got a great job near LA. I was apprehensive about moving, thought it would be too expensive to live in California, and all this other stuff, but mostly there was a sense of "well whatever, if it sucks and we end up broke we'll just do something else, life won't suck that bad with him there." There's a lot of inherent prioritizing of our relationship in that thought that wasn't always there; earlier in our relationship I might have thought, "whoa, fuck that, dealbreaker." I didn't teach myself to think about him more, though, or have to force myself to "be positive" or anything, it was just how I eventually felt.
posted by Nattie at 5:28 PM on February 22, 2010
I don't know how long you've been with this guy, but it can take time to reach the point where they become such a priority that your other priorities change. Generally speaking, the person has to have become a sort of fixture of your life, something that's been there a while, for you to feel you can't easily go without them. This is more mundane than exciting; it's not like they do something special or something amazing happens so that the priority shift is obvious.
With me, I think it took three or four years -- I knew after a year that I wanted to spend my life with him, but the actual prioritizing and life-planning didn't seem to kick in until later. My husband's line of work means there are only a few cities in the U.S. he can work, for example, and he got a great job near LA. I was apprehensive about moving, thought it would be too expensive to live in California, and all this other stuff, but mostly there was a sense of "well whatever, if it sucks and we end up broke we'll just do something else, life won't suck that bad with him there." There's a lot of inherent prioritizing of our relationship in that thought that wasn't always there; earlier in our relationship I might have thought, "whoa, fuck that, dealbreaker." I didn't teach myself to think about him more, though, or have to force myself to "be positive" or anything, it was just how I eventually felt.
posted by Nattie at 5:28 PM on February 22, 2010
I felt like this, a little bit. For me it was a mix of just plain being used to the way I thought about the dreams I have for myself (which, since constructed before my partner was on the screen, didn't feature him at the time), and a fear of having to 'give up' entirely for the sake of raising a family, helping someone else's career etc. I was afraid my goals would be unreachable if I accommodated another person's goals.
It took time for me to adjust to imagining a future with 'us' instead of 'me', but also lots of conversations with my partner about the fears I was having, about what we both want for the future, about how we want to support each others' goals, what we know we don't know yet, etc. These were important, challenging conversations, and we certainly haven't had the last of them.
The thing is, is that if this is destined to be a strong relationship, you're not going to be the only person who cares about your dreams. You'll want good things for your partner, things that fulfill them personally and things that make The Relationship stronger. And they'll want that for you. One of the ways I know how much I love my partner is the implicit trust I feel that he supports me and wants to help me (and 'us') get where we want to go, and the knowledge that I'll only be happy if I can help him do the same.
I also try to keep in mind that there is a huge range of alternatives between having everything exactly how I personally want it, and totally abandoning my plans. Knowing that I will make sacrifices and compromises, and renegotiate what's not working, in order be able to be with my partner, helps me to figure what is most important to me. Life was always going to mess up my plans anyway, so it might as well be 'messed up' by a loving partner who wants only the best for me, and by my desire to give them the best :)
posted by heyforfour at 5:37 PM on February 22, 2010
It took time for me to adjust to imagining a future with 'us' instead of 'me', but also lots of conversations with my partner about the fears I was having, about what we both want for the future, about how we want to support each others' goals, what we know we don't know yet, etc. These were important, challenging conversations, and we certainly haven't had the last of them.
The thing is, is that if this is destined to be a strong relationship, you're not going to be the only person who cares about your dreams. You'll want good things for your partner, things that fulfill them personally and things that make The Relationship stronger. And they'll want that for you. One of the ways I know how much I love my partner is the implicit trust I feel that he supports me and wants to help me (and 'us') get where we want to go, and the knowledge that I'll only be happy if I can help him do the same.
I also try to keep in mind that there is a huge range of alternatives between having everything exactly how I personally want it, and totally abandoning my plans. Knowing that I will make sacrifices and compromises, and renegotiate what's not working, in order be able to be with my partner, helps me to figure what is most important to me. Life was always going to mess up my plans anyway, so it might as well be 'messed up' by a loving partner who wants only the best for me, and by my desire to give them the best :)
posted by heyforfour at 5:37 PM on February 22, 2010
My partner is not 'on the screen'! My partner is in Real Life!
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posted by heyforfour at 5:38 PM on February 22, 2010
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posted by heyforfour at 5:38 PM on February 22, 2010
stupid html typos
posted by heyforfour at 5:39 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by heyforfour at 5:39 PM on February 22, 2010
it took some work for me to start thinking in terms of "us," and i love, love my gf. i don't think it signals a relationship failure if you find that hard -- i think it makes it mean all the more to your partner when you make the effort to make those changes. habits are hard to change! i also think maintaining some separateness is also really nice -- dreams that don't involve your partner aren't a sign you don't care for them. it's a sign you *do* care for yourself, and i think that is always, always important (and totally attractive, too!).
posted by crawfo at 5:41 PM on February 22, 2010
posted by crawfo at 5:41 PM on February 22, 2010
There's no one there but me when I plan these things; not him, not some hypothetical partner, not my family, just me.
That seems straightforward to remedy. Start writing down your plans and exactly how you see him fitting into them -- is he just a passenger, living with you while you do these things? That may be okay with him as he has his own agenda to follow. Discuss your vision with him, and find out what his plans are and how you fit into them.
Between the two of you I'll bet you can hack out some sort of vision of the future together. Once you have a concrete plan to hang your hat on I suspect you'll find it much easier to think in terms of tweaking that basic vision.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:06 PM on February 22, 2010
That seems straightforward to remedy. Start writing down your plans and exactly how you see him fitting into them -- is he just a passenger, living with you while you do these things? That may be okay with him as he has his own agenda to follow. Discuss your vision with him, and find out what his plans are and how you fit into them.
Between the two of you I'll bet you can hack out some sort of vision of the future together. Once you have a concrete plan to hang your hat on I suspect you'll find it much easier to think in terms of tweaking that basic vision.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:06 PM on February 22, 2010
If you're 100% dedicated to the concept of 'us' and that's not the kind of person you are, you will go insane. Make time to read a book in an empty room.
posted by spamguy at 6:43 AM on February 23, 2010
posted by spamguy at 6:43 AM on February 23, 2010
I don't think it's a bad sign for your relationship that you are making plans for yourself. How much have you two talked about your future together? Have you talked about big commitments like marriage? children? If not, you may not be there yet.
If he is worried about it, I would assume he is interested in being with you LONG TERM and this is an opportunity to explore how your two lives will end up. Practice thinking about you two together in the future. What does it feel like?
Planning with each other in mind is not some magic recipe for relationship success either. You should have independent goals and talk about how the two of you might be able to support each other with those goals. Planning for a future together actually requires you two to plan together, you shouldn't be guessing what the other wants or is willing to do.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:50 AM on February 23, 2010
If he is worried about it, I would assume he is interested in being with you LONG TERM and this is an opportunity to explore how your two lives will end up. Practice thinking about you two together in the future. What does it feel like?
Planning with each other in mind is not some magic recipe for relationship success either. You should have independent goals and talk about how the two of you might be able to support each other with those goals. Planning for a future together actually requires you two to plan together, you shouldn't be guessing what the other wants or is willing to do.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:50 AM on February 23, 2010
I had this same concern at about the 2 year mark in my relationship. It wasn't until year 4 when I was fully comfortable reconsidering "my" plans for "ours". Ultimately, I didn't have to compromise on anything I really wanted, it was more just a shift in through from "I am going to do this no matter what, even if it means our relationship suffers" to "I want to do this, what impact will it have on our relationship? Is that something I am okay with?"
We still aren't a "we" couple, 5 years into it. We each have our own views of the future, we just know that we want to work it out so that our futures are with each other (even if that means we don't move to California [him] or we don't spend all our money going on intense international vacations every year [me]).
posted by CharlieSue at 1:05 PM on February 23, 2010
We still aren't a "we" couple, 5 years into it. We each have our own views of the future, we just know that we want to work it out so that our futures are with each other (even if that means we don't move to California [him] or we don't spend all our money going on intense international vacations every year [me]).
posted by CharlieSue at 1:05 PM on February 23, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by netbros at 3:53 PM on February 22, 2010