Help me figure out what to say!

February 12, 2010 12:58 PM

My wife just stopped breastfeeding our child about two months ago. This is our second. She is miserable about the way her breasts look now.

She won't even let me look at them for the last month or so, she's so distraught. She was a D cup when she was breastfeeding. She tells me now that she's an A cup and that they look "inverted". I know that this is a fact of life for mothers who breastfed their children. I know that surgery is an option. What can I say to her? Are there other things that can help? The doctor said that being back on the pill "may" change them a little, but he basically said "that's what they'll look like from now on."
We are very honest with each other, and if I see her breasts and say "I think they look AWESOME!" she'll know I'm lying and call BS. I fully expect to NOT find them attractive, or arousing. I love this woman with all my heart. I love her breasts because they are a part of her. But I'm trying to figure out what to say as she's grieving the loss of something like this. I guess I'm also trying to figure out how to deal with it myself.
Thanks in advance for your insight.

Anon because she occasionally reads through my old questions.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (27 answers total)

I'm not sure its permanent. I would get a second opinion and/or contact an LC or LLL
posted by zia at 1:05 PM on February 12, 2010

I fully expect to NOT find them attractive, or arousing.

Why?

I agree that if you have this reaction (and let her know) it would be awful for her. But maybe you still will/can find them attractive and arousing, just in a different way from before. And letting her know that would be reassuring: *that*'s what would help.


(I went from an almost B cup to a B cup to a barely-there after nursing/weaning my first daughter. If my husband said, wow, you've got loser boobs, that would have been crappy for my body image. Thankfully, he didn't, even if I did call myself the boobless wonder.)
posted by leahwrenn at 1:09 PM on February 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

zia's link was helpful, as I was here to say that from my experience, I'm not at all sure you're right that "this is a fact of life for mothers who breastfed their children." But even if you find her perception of things to be accurate and the change to be permanent, the best thing to tell her is what you wrote here: "I love this woman with all my heart. I love her breasts because they are a part of her." It has the advantage of being both true and kind, unlike "I do not find them attractive or arousing."

Do not mention surgery, even to ask her if she wants to.
posted by palliser at 1:13 PM on February 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

You know what's sexy? A woman who makes babies with you. A woman who has made beautiful babies. Sort of a cheeseball answer I suppose, but she earned those boobs, and so did you, and there's nothing about them to not like. I think that I'd go that angle, versus the angle you're going now.
posted by TomMelee at 1:15 PM on February 12, 2010 [17 favorites]

C'mon man. You seem to be sending some mixed signals here.

I fully expect to NOT find them attractive, or arousing.

I love her breasts because they are a part of her.

WTF? My wife (and every other mother on the planet I assume) had the same lament and a lot of what got her to stop thinking about it was my continual reassurance that - GODDAMN (even with your saggy boobs and stretchmarks) I think you are hot, hot, hot.

Let me tell you something - no matter how "hot" a woman is, once you've seen her naked 1000 times what makes her hot is not what she looks like naked. Trust me, if you found her boobs arousing before, you'll find them arousing now. Now stop thinking about yourself. Get over it. NOW. And tell that beautiful woman that she is beautiful. If she says "you're lying" say it again and again and again.
posted by three blind mice at 1:15 PM on February 12, 2010 [52 favorites]

I mean, this happens. This is what being married and having a life together means, partially, yeah? That whole 'growing old' together thing'? Babies, gravity, age...we lose our young sexy bodies one way or another. You have to find the sexiness in the evolution, in the changes. I'm young so I can't say from experience, but it seems to me that you get to that point in a marriage where your sexual attraction to your wife transcends the trite and shallow.

If she is self conscious about them, one thing you can do is to give them some extra love and attention.
posted by Lutoslawski at 1:20 PM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Just want to second that whatever the best thing to do is (and that I do not know), it is not for you to mention surgery.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:25 PM on February 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Compliment other parts of her that you do still find smokin' hot. Her butt, her lips, her shoulders, her feet. Anything. Give her a space to feel like the fabulous, amazing, capable, delicious woman you married. You can't make her feel anything, but you can contribute to a positive or a negative outcome in this situation.

And, uh, you are doing your share of the housework, right? Right? Cause nothing makes me feel not sexy like another round with the vacuum, followed by a pile of dishes in the sink. If you catch my drift.

I am not a mother, I am not a wife. YMMV.

(PS. For some reason, I am one of those women who is incredibly jealous that people get to shrink their boobs by having a baby. As a D cup, I'm soooo hopeful that it happens for me. If they get bigger, I will be simultaneously pissed and overwhelmingly glad to finally have a baby.)
posted by bilabial at 1:40 PM on February 12, 2010

Let's rewrite this a bit here. 'cause, dude (presuming you are a dude - if not, change gender as appropriate), seriously, get a grip and realize that part of her overwhelming anxiety about this is not just for her sake, but her fear of your brutal honesty and whether or not she'll be able to be up for "knowing" what you think.

So let's change what you know:
"Babe, you gave your whole body for these amazing children, and I love you and your body for it. And even if your body changed as a result - I mean, how could it not? This is not Hollywood - I love it even MORE now if that was even possible. The change represents our new family and our time together. And babe, I won't even have that same excuse for my bald spot or fat tire or droopy balls or hairy back. And hopefully you will still love me. I love YOU and YOUR SEXY HOT ASS MAMA ALL MINE BODY, you don't even know how much I look at you and think, YOU ARE SO SEXY I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW LUCKY I AM."

Those saggy mama boobs might not even be permanant. But you better believe that this new life is, and part of this new life is rewiring your own reaction and what you need. It's really good for you to catch this in the bud now because it's a bad bad path to go down.

Go tell her now, bring her amazing flowers for Valentine's Day, hire a cleaning service, clean/feed and put the kids down, draw her an amazing bath with some new cream, and give her a sexy glass of wine while she relaxes in the tub. And tell her she looks amazing, glowing, and you love her now and forever. SMOOCH.
posted by barnone at 1:42 PM on February 12, 2010 [20 favorites]

Nthing do not mention surgery to her.
posted by Lobster Garden at 1:42 PM on February 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I came here to say what three blind mice said. Over the last 10 years (and many children, all breastfed) we've covered the entire spectrum, as it were. Mrs. Q has also lost a lot of weight, having taken up running. The loss of body fat has also, uh, affected things up top. Doesn't much matter to me, though. We're both pushing 40 and I think she's...well, never you mind*. It's about time to start the weekend.


* HOTTER THAN FORTY HELLS.
posted by jquinby at 1:44 PM on February 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

Wife: "I'm so sad - look at my boobs! They're so ugly now."

You: "They're not ugly, they're beautiful, you're beautiful." Repeat suggested loving comments mentioned above.

You: "You know what's ugly? THIS is ugly!" And point to your hairy ears. Your stinky feet. Your moobies. The scar you got in 5th grade from falling over the porch.

Then reach over, give your wife a loving hug and smooch, and tickle her.
posted by HeyAllie at 1:53 PM on February 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

Don't make a big production out of it. When she complains, just say, 'I love you and I love your breasts.'

Overtalking things can have a way of embedding the problem and putting up a shrine to it.

She's going to need some time to get over it, and your ambivalence about it is adding to the problem, because in a way you're both sort of messed up about it.

Her boobs will change in a few months and in a few years and if she gains or loses weight or does bench presses or has surgery or whatever. Her breasts will change, and so will her way of looking at this, assuming the two of you can resist dumping all kinds of baggage onto it, including quite possibly, general feelings about "how life used to be" and confronting mortality and age and all the other fun stuff that goes along with kids.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:58 PM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

This question is about you being afraid you won't like your wife's boobs because of the things she said. That's fine and normal. You want to like them.

I think your problem is dealing with these fears. Focus on them, ignore the stuff about what she will do. Key is to accept the fears as just that, emotions, not a predictor of what will happen.

When the time comes, I suggest slow foreplay, focusing on each part, describing how hot the part is while you are working with it. Get to the boobs and do the same thing, tell her how sexy they are. You guys will be plenty worked up by then.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:00 PM on February 12, 2010

Lie better.
posted by luckypozzo at 2:08 PM on February 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

FYI, after nursing two kids mine were only the way you describe hers when I was seriously underweight. Once I got to a normal healthy weight they plumped back up. And pay attention to all of the great advice given above.
posted by mareli at 2:46 PM on February 12, 2010

Something that might go down very well or very badly with her (ie proceed with caution) - the Normal Breasts Photo Gallery. To quote them "female breasts come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. These breast pictures are here to let you see normal breasts - big, small, sagging, asymmetrical; big areolas or nipples"

I think it's brilliant for being reassuring about the huge range of 'normal' breasts (all of them awesome, naturally).

To quote my boyfriend "Breasts are fantastic. All breasts. Ones you're allowed to play with are even better." You thinking you're not going to be aroused by them without even seeing them is diminishing the likelihood of playing with them. Refocus.
posted by Coobeastie at 3:15 PM on February 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Three Blind Mice rocks the house.
posted by puddinghead at 3:19 PM on February 12, 2010

Just for the universe, and for you to avoid it: probably the most stupid attempt at commiseration I put forward in my career as a husband was to make some vaguely sympathetic sad little noises when my then-wife was in the same position. And I was just trying to be clumsy-kind. Must have hurt her enormously, never had the opportunity to talk about it afterward. Whatever you do, don't do that.
Otherwise what Ironmouth said. Proceed from there to three blind mice.
posted by Namlit at 3:29 PM on February 12, 2010

Nthing do not mention surgery to her.

Wait, what? Why? I'm pretty sensitive about my body, and since I know that I will most likely need breast surgery after having children, I'm elated that the option is there and very feasible! I've openly talked to my significant other about it. Maybe your wife would be relieved to know that she has your full support?

I'd go against everyone else and say that you can casually mention corrective plastic surgery. Perhaps your wife feels that it would be too selfish to bring it up herself? More than likely, surgery will have a much more profound effect on her self esteem on the long run than a bouquet of flowers, or telling her that she looks amazing when she is very much aware that she doesn't.

Of course, what I said may not apply if the changes, as others mentioned, are not permanent.
posted by halogen at 5:10 PM on February 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

The boob changes are as much to do with pregnancy as breastfeeding. And right now? Not permanent. It can take 12 months for boobs to settle after breastfeeding.

And seriously? Get some perspective. She fed your CHILDREN with these boobs. They are fucking magical. Even if they aren't as big as they were while engorged/prior to pregnancy/she wants/you want.

And as a currently breastfeeding mama with giant sagging boobs and poochy stomach, DON'T TALK SURGERY. If she brings it up, fine. DON'T SUGGEST IT. Please, Christ, do not suggest it. I cannot imagine how devastating it would be if the other anachronism started mentioning tummy tucks when I'm self-concious about the pooch. And I'm pretty okay with all the bodily changes! Him mentioning surgery would de absolutely awful.

(and I am not sold on 'needing' breast surgery post-baby)
posted by geek anachronism at 5:40 PM on February 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

Just want to say that only you know if your wife will react like halogen, or like geek anachronism and me. The idea that my husband and I chose to have kids, and I was the one who ended up taking one for the team by gestating them for 9 mos each nursing them for an add'l 18 mo each... and that after that he would suggest that I might want surgery to make my body look like it did before that? Uh... I would react very badly to that.

There is nothing wrong with a body growing older. There is NOTHING wrong with a body that has stretch marks or saggy boobs, or scars, or even amputations or burn marks. You love her, and you love her body. That's it.

I know that there is a school of thought that you can fall out of love with someone because they are fat, saggy, balding, etc, but that ain't what marriage is about. I think you know this already.

I think that some lovely lingerie might cheer her up. A nice underwire bra can make saggy boobs look cute again, and a corset can make that little tummy flab just disappear. Dress-up is fine and fun. But surgery? That makes me seriously sad.

On the side of not saying anything about surgery--if she wants it, she probably will bring it up on her own.

Good luck, anyway! And congrats on your kids and what sounds like a great wife.
posted by tk at 6:13 PM on February 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

get a grip and realize that part of her overwhelming anxiety about this is not just for her sake, but her fear of your brutal honesty and whether or not she'll be able to be up for "knowing" what you think.

This is very insightful. I was struck by the fact that she's gone a whole month hiding them from you, which means a lot of this is about you and your reaction, not just her own feelings about the changes in her body. I think my reaction would be to want my partner's reassurance, which I know I'd get. She doesn't seem to think she'd get that from you, which is sort of suboptimal.
posted by palliser at 6:40 PM on February 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

I have had two kids in the last two years and nursed them both and have been telling my husband to save his pennies for the plastic surgeon for months. And I am comparatively lucky that mine stayed a D, just not as perky as I'd like. So I would not be offended by that, I was happy when my husband told me that it was up to me, if I wanted to get them done, I had his full emotional and financial support.

But you know your wife. Will she like that you tell her it's up to her but the option is there? Or will she think you are insinuating that she needs the surgery? Does she typically read malice where there is none or is she a generally rational person who will give you the benefit of the doubt even if you put your foot in your mouth? Maybe give her some more time to get used to the new her and continue to emphasize how fantastic you think she looks.

For the record, you don't sound a jerk to me-some of the other posters seem to think you are being unreasonable but I actually understand. Yes it's fantastic that womens' bodies can do what they do, but that doesn't change the fact that it does some damage and that a post pregnancy body is often not as viscerally attractive as it was before. Not to say that you should tell her that but I don't think it does our gender any service to act like it doesn't matter, any more than it does men a favor to act like we don't notice hair loss. Of course you notice, but you look past it to the person you love and get over it.
posted by supercapitalist at 8:17 PM on February 12, 2010

Does she typically read malice where there is none or is she a generally rational person who will give you the benefit of the doubt even if you put your foot in your mouth?

This is unbelievably loaded. tk summarized nicely why bringing up surgery would be insulting to many women who have given birth: the female half of the relationship has borne the vast majority of the physical burden of the joint decision to have children. Suggesting yet another physical burden -- major surgery! general anesthesia and excruciating pain and everything! -- to reverse the aesthetic effects of those efforts, as opposed to his just learning to live with these less-than-perfect breasts, is placing an insultingly low price on her suffering. Hope that's a rational enough explanation.

OP, please note that both of the posters here who think it would be okay to mention plastic surgery have themselves brought it up with their partners. That's a completely different situation from bringing it up yourself.
posted by palliser at 8:33 PM on February 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Does she typically read malice where there is none or is she a generally rational person who will give you the benefit of the doubt even if you put your foot in your mouth?

I have never assumed malice on the part of the other anachronism, but that wouldn't stop the visceral hurt that a surgery suggestion would provoke. If your concern is more 'fixing the boobs' than 'helping my partner come to terms with post-partum changes to her body' then a surgery suggestion is probably a good idea. Otherwise you may want to start with something a little less dismissive of her feelings and what her body has gone through.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:56 PM on February 12, 2010

In addition to the points above (my sentiments are echoed by three blind mice & barnone), if SHE brings up surgery or other options, be supportive but make it clear she doesn't need to do those things to keep/regain your interest.
posted by batmonkey at 1:40 PM on February 13, 2010