Am I dead inside?
February 10, 2010 1:33 PM Subscribe
My relative is close to death and I'm mildly happy about it. Am I dead inside?
I have an aunt who I've disliked for many years. She is the only person who is ugly both inside and out. As a kid, she used to insult me in a backhanded way and basically told me that her kids were better than me in every way.
About a week ago, she suffered a massive stroke and had an operation. We have a family message board, and many of my other relatives expressed their concern and said they were praying for her. When I saw that news, I just hoped she would die.
This morning, my uncle posted that my aunt had suffered another massive stroke and is very close to being declared legally dead. I feel like a bad person is close to leaving the world, and I'm actually happy that she'll be gone.
This has caused some questions to arise in myself as to my psyche. Am I a psychopath because I'm happy that this has happened? Does this mean I'm dead inside? Why can't I feel grief, at least for my uncle? It's all so confusing.
If you need to follow up, you can e-mail at hesdeadinside at gmail.
I have an aunt who I've disliked for many years. She is the only person who is ugly both inside and out. As a kid, she used to insult me in a backhanded way and basically told me that her kids were better than me in every way.
About a week ago, she suffered a massive stroke and had an operation. We have a family message board, and many of my other relatives expressed their concern and said they were praying for her. When I saw that news, I just hoped she would die.
This morning, my uncle posted that my aunt had suffered another massive stroke and is very close to being declared legally dead. I feel like a bad person is close to leaving the world, and I'm actually happy that she'll be gone.
This has caused some questions to arise in myself as to my psyche. Am I a psychopath because I'm happy that this has happened? Does this mean I'm dead inside? Why can't I feel grief, at least for my uncle? It's all so confusing.
If you need to follow up, you can e-mail at hesdeadinside at gmail.
This is totally normal. Don't feel bad about it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:39 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:39 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
No, you're not a psychopath. No, you're not dead inside. Your aunt treated you like shit as a kid -- when you are most impressionable and sensitive -- and so you don't care about her dying now. Don't overthink it, it's likely as simple as that.
posted by Damn That Television at 1:39 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by Damn That Television at 1:39 PM on February 10, 2010
nthing that you aren't a bad person. You feel how you feel. She was a jerkosaurus to you, she'll be okay without your tears.
Telling her loved ones that you are glad she is dead would be borderline evil though. :-P
posted by ian1977 at 1:44 PM on February 10, 2010
Telling her loved ones that you are glad she is dead would be borderline evil though. :-P
posted by ian1977 at 1:44 PM on February 10, 2010
You're not a bad person at all.
Also, don't be surprised if you have a strong emotional reaction after she dies; that's normal, too, even with the way you feel.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 1:44 PM on February 10, 2010 [9 favorites]
Also, don't be surprised if you have a strong emotional reaction after she dies; that's normal, too, even with the way you feel.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 1:44 PM on February 10, 2010 [9 favorites]
Not feeling anything or seeking some personal gain from the death would make you a psychopath (or actively causing the death). Being glad someone that made your life unpleasant for no good reason is shuffling off? Thats just one of lifes little joys.
posted by bartonlong at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by bartonlong at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
When you were a kid you probably wished she was dead and the trouble with wishing someone dead is that eventually it comes true. Having mixed emotions regarding the suffering of someone uou dislike is pretty normal, but it would probably be prudent to keep that one to you internal monologue and not start discussing it with family members.
posted by GuyZero at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by GuyZero at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had a very similar reaction to the death of a manipulative grandparent who caused no end of problems with my mom. You can't help disliking what traumatized you when you were a kid.
posted by clango at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by clango at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010
You shouldn't feel bad about feeling this way, but if your internet savvy uncle sees this, you should feel bad about that. May I suggest anonymizing?
posted by letahl at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by letahl at 1:45 PM on February 10, 2010
How would she have felt if it had been you who stroked? I know good people who felt that way when their parents died. Don't sweat it.
The fact that you're even asking this question should take some of the guilts off.
(Though best not to discuss it with those who knew her.)
posted by IndigoJones at 1:46 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
The fact that you're even asking this question should take some of the guilts off.
(Though best not to discuss it with those who knew her.)
posted by IndigoJones at 1:46 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
In any case, this could be a good time to try to forgive her and let go of your pent-up animosity. More for your own benefit than hers, really.
posted by Behemoth at 1:49 PM on February 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Behemoth at 1:49 PM on February 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
I was delighted when my grandmother died, if it's any comfort.
She was a witch and made my mother miserable, who in turn made me miserable. I'd hate her for the therapy bills alone, if I didn't have the actual memories to hate on.
I couldn't have cared less when she died. Everyone else at the funeral was boo-hooing and my brother turned to me afterward and was like, whose funeral were they at?
Don't giggle at the funeral or sell balloons or anything, be kind to your uncle and other relatives who are affected. Don't add to anyone's grief by allowing your relief to show.
But that's all you're obligated to do, and you're not required to feel guilty.
There are fairly set social behaviors for this -- express sympathy, go the funeral, dress respectfully, send sympathy cards, etc. -- and one of the functions of those rules is to protect everyone from awareness of others' unseemly emotions.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:51 PM on February 10, 2010 [30 favorites]
She was a witch and made my mother miserable, who in turn made me miserable. I'd hate her for the therapy bills alone, if I didn't have the actual memories to hate on.
I couldn't have cared less when she died. Everyone else at the funeral was boo-hooing and my brother turned to me afterward and was like, whose funeral were they at?
Don't giggle at the funeral or sell balloons or anything, be kind to your uncle and other relatives who are affected. Don't add to anyone's grief by allowing your relief to show.
But that's all you're obligated to do, and you're not required to feel guilty.
There are fairly set social behaviors for this -- express sympathy, go the funeral, dress respectfully, send sympathy cards, etc. -- and one of the functions of those rules is to protect everyone from awareness of others' unseemly emotions.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:51 PM on February 10, 2010 [30 favorites]
I had on old uncle who was a real son-of-a-bitch; I used to actively hide from him and his mean little "jokes." He used to pinch my arms really hard & then tell me not to be such a baby. When he died, I was forced to go to his funeral - the hardest part was keeping a big fat sloppy grin off my face (I was 27 years old!). I haven't thought about him since then, until I read your question. So, I will join the crowd and vote "normal" and "not dead inside."
posted by SamanthaK at 1:52 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by SamanthaK at 1:52 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
You shouldn't feel guilty about your feelings, but it is taboo to say it out loud, and it could be offensive to your family members. I would include posting this question publicly on the internet as "saying it out loud." Your Mefi profile has links to other websites that might be identifying, as well as IM usernames. Seconding letahl, I would try to get this question made anonymous or deleted if I were you. It seems like you actually meant to post it anonymously based on the throwaway email address.
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:52 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:52 PM on February 10, 2010
nthing "This is pretty normal". It's totally OK to feel happy when horrible people die, just like it's totally OK to feel awful when nice people die.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:02 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by dunkadunc at 2:02 PM on February 10, 2010
You feel gladness and relief that an unkind person won't have the power to spread the unkindness further. That's a pretty normal, healthy feeling. If your reaction was "Give me a pillow so I can smother the old bitch personally before she permanently cheats me out of the satisfaction", THAT'd be something to worry about.
As for your uncle, maybe you don't feel grief for him because you're not convinced that he would (or at least should) feel grief himself. Did she treat him poorly, as well?
That said, it's possible to give compassion to someone without grieving along with them or even agreeing with their need to grieve. So the question I'd have for you is whether you feel able to behave compassionately to/around those who are suffering this news. If you can honestly say yes, yeah you're probably fine. Just keep your glee on the downlow for those who don't need to hear that right now. Do pay your respects to the family if you can manage to listen respectfully to the tributes to her memory. A funeral/memorial isn't, after all, for the dead but for the living.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for your uncle, maybe you don't feel grief for him because you're not convinced that he would (or at least should) feel grief himself. Did she treat him poorly, as well?
That said, it's possible to give compassion to someone without grieving along with them or even agreeing with their need to grieve. So the question I'd have for you is whether you feel able to behave compassionately to/around those who are suffering this news. If you can honestly say yes, yeah you're probably fine. Just keep your glee on the downlow for those who don't need to hear that right now. Do pay your respects to the family if you can manage to listen respectfully to the tributes to her memory. A funeral/memorial isn't, after all, for the dead but for the living.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind that, unless you were the sole target of your aunt's nastiness (unlikely), your relatives may be typing "I'm praying for her" but thinking "good riddance." It's socially unacceptable, particularly within the family, to say negative things about an elderly or vulnerable person, but it's totally normal and natural to think them if the person is/was cruel, especially to a child. You don't have to like or say nice things about a nasty person, even when that nasty person is dying.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2010
When my grandmother died, my husband and I ran around the house singing "Ding Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead." My father is currently doing his best to die - slowly - and I will be more than anything, happy when he finally succeeds.
The most fucked up thing about this? We don't even have a particularly dysfunctional family.
Mean people are mean, and then they die. What are you gonna do?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
The most fucked up thing about this? We don't even have a particularly dysfunctional family.
Mean people are mean, and then they die. What are you gonna do?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:04 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
I also think you're not dead inside or sociopathic on account of these feelings. It sounds like she was pretty horrible to you, and you are perfectly justified to delight in her passing.
It strikes me, though, that you may find the opportunity for personal growth if you forgive her for what she did to you. I expect one might find that she was cruel to you because someone had been cruel to her in the past; abuse does tend to go in cycles. I definitely have had cruel people leave my life over the years and part of me just wants to dance a jig--but in the end, I always feel like a little child when I laugh at the misfortunes of those who have treated me poorly. I tend to feel like I've overcome the abuses I've suffered when I can say to myself, "I forgive this person." I've never felt the need to grieve on their behalf, but I try not to take pleasure in others' suffering. Well, maybe just a little.
YMMV. I am not a psychologist or spiritual guide.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:05 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
It strikes me, though, that you may find the opportunity for personal growth if you forgive her for what she did to you. I expect one might find that she was cruel to you because someone had been cruel to her in the past; abuse does tend to go in cycles. I definitely have had cruel people leave my life over the years and part of me just wants to dance a jig--but in the end, I always feel like a little child when I laugh at the misfortunes of those who have treated me poorly. I tend to feel like I've overcome the abuses I've suffered when I can say to myself, "I forgive this person." I've never felt the need to grieve on their behalf, but I try not to take pleasure in others' suffering. Well, maybe just a little.
YMMV. I am not a psychologist or spiritual guide.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:05 PM on February 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Point: Realizing that her being cruel was due to other people being cruel to her doesn't mean you can't be happy that the old bitch has finally kicked the bucket. Personally, I'm not that big a fan of forgiving people who don't show any sign of redeeming themselves anytime soon.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:10 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by dunkadunc at 2:10 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Congratulations. The fact that you're asking this question means you aren't insane. Sociopaths never *know* they are sociopaths.
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:11 PM on February 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by greekphilosophy at 2:11 PM on February 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
Dead inside would be if you just didn't care either way, it seems to me.
I've never admitted this to anyone, much less any of my family members, but I felt something similar when a relative passed away. He was someone I saw on a pretty regular basis, because he was my grandmother's brother and would visit almost every Sunday. For years, every time he saw me, he'd make disparaging comments about my appearance (mostly centered around my weight - I was a skinny kid but put on some pounds around the time I hit puberty). So, weekly for about 5 years he would look at me and tell me I was fat. I grew to hate his guts.
He died when I was about 19 or 20. My mom and I came home to a message on the answerinig machine from our aunt, saying he had died suddenly from a heart attack. My mom was devastated, and I was aghast when I realized that the first thing that came to my mind was "Good." I kept quiet, though, and did what I could that night to help my mother and keep my 6 year old sister calm, since she was freaking out about the whole thing.
I struggled with that for a while, but I came to this conclusion: I couldn't help what my initial reaction was. What would have made me kind of a psychopath would have been if I had shared this with people who were sad about his death. I never, ever told any of my family how I felt because they dearly loved him, and they didn't know thet things he had been saying to me all those years (he never said them when others were around, and I mostly kept it to myself).
Do what you can to help those you love with their grief, is my advice. That helped me feel a little more at peace with how I felt.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 2:11 PM on February 10, 2010
I've never admitted this to anyone, much less any of my family members, but I felt something similar when a relative passed away. He was someone I saw on a pretty regular basis, because he was my grandmother's brother and would visit almost every Sunday. For years, every time he saw me, he'd make disparaging comments about my appearance (mostly centered around my weight - I was a skinny kid but put on some pounds around the time I hit puberty). So, weekly for about 5 years he would look at me and tell me I was fat. I grew to hate his guts.
He died when I was about 19 or 20. My mom and I came home to a message on the answerinig machine from our aunt, saying he had died suddenly from a heart attack. My mom was devastated, and I was aghast when I realized that the first thing that came to my mind was "Good." I kept quiet, though, and did what I could that night to help my mother and keep my 6 year old sister calm, since she was freaking out about the whole thing.
I struggled with that for a while, but I came to this conclusion: I couldn't help what my initial reaction was. What would have made me kind of a psychopath would have been if I had shared this with people who were sad about his death. I never, ever told any of my family how I felt because they dearly loved him, and they didn't know thet things he had been saying to me all those years (he never said them when others were around, and I mostly kept it to myself).
Do what you can to help those you love with their grief, is my advice. That helped me feel a little more at peace with how I felt.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 2:11 PM on February 10, 2010
Why can't I feel grief, at least for my uncle?
I just remembered one other thing: a few years ago I attended the funeral of a relative I never really liked. I attended the funeral because I cared about this person's spouse, but really wasn't sad at all that this person was dead. I got a bit emotional at the funeral when I saw my dead relative's spouse and children crying. I was sad for them because they were sad, but never mustered any real sadness that the person was dead.
Grief isn't about showing concern for the dead person's family--it's the process you work through to come to terms with your loss. You can, and very likely will, be sad for your uncle without grieving your aunt's death. In all likelihood you'll be able to give him a hug and say "Uncle Jim, I'm so sorry for your loss"--and mean it--without being sorry that your aunt is dead. You'll be sad that he is sad not that your aunt is gone.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:22 PM on February 10, 2010
I just remembered one other thing: a few years ago I attended the funeral of a relative I never really liked. I attended the funeral because I cared about this person's spouse, but really wasn't sad at all that this person was dead. I got a bit emotional at the funeral when I saw my dead relative's spouse and children crying. I was sad for them because they were sad, but never mustered any real sadness that the person was dead.
Grief isn't about showing concern for the dead person's family--it's the process you work through to come to terms with your loss. You can, and very likely will, be sad for your uncle without grieving your aunt's death. In all likelihood you'll be able to give him a hug and say "Uncle Jim, I'm so sorry for your loss"--and mean it--without being sorry that your aunt is dead. You'll be sad that he is sad not that your aunt is gone.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:22 PM on February 10, 2010
You're not a bad person. Just don't smile at the funeral. Perhaps after she's gone you'll come to terms with your feelings and find some forgiveness, but if not that's OK too. But remember that even though she was a total bitch to you, she might have been nice to some people who will miss her. Be nice to them for their loss, but don't beat yourself up for not liking someone who was so hateful to you.
posted by motsque at 2:24 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by motsque at 2:24 PM on February 10, 2010
If she's as bad as you say she is, you probably have relatives who feel the same way about her. If your family is anything like my family, it'll slowly become apparent that others share your feelings.
Just don't be the first to bring it up. If you ever do discuss it, "I never really liked her that much," is a lot easier to swallow than, "I'm glad the bitch is dead."
posted by The Potate at 2:24 PM on February 10, 2010
Just don't be the first to bring it up. If you ever do discuss it, "I never really liked her that much," is a lot easier to swallow than, "I'm glad the bitch is dead."
posted by The Potate at 2:24 PM on February 10, 2010
I agree with everything said above -- you are not obliged to grieve for someone who treated you badly, and you are certainly not psychopath. If, however, you still do want to "feel more" for your aunt, maybe you can meditate on what what kind of pain and unhappiness she must have been carrying around with her in her own life to have been so ugly and unkind to you and to others. In this way, perhaps you can find a measure of compassion for her, even if you don't particularly feel any personal warmth or love, or any sense of grief or loss now that's she's dying. That might also be the path to feeling more for your uncle, who it sounds like you care about.
I don't say any of that to berate you, though -- I had an elderly aunt like this myself, and I don't think there was a single tear shed in all our family when she finally died.
posted by scody at 2:27 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't say any of that to berate you, though -- I had an elderly aunt like this myself, and I don't think there was a single tear shed in all our family when she finally died.
posted by scody at 2:27 PM on February 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
And if it comes to the point where you feel obliged to say something nice about her to her family, you can always truthfully say that it was clear how much she loved her children.
posted by The Potate at 2:29 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by The Potate at 2:29 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
reminds me of a classic story that a friend told me about one of her relatives. the sister of the deceased was seen bawling away at the funeral, causing another of my friend's relatives to remark quietly to my friend in a deadpan fashion "they were tears of joy. and she knew it."
i wouldn't feel bad about not grieving, nor feel bad about wishing she'd just pass already. i would, however, keep those thoughts to yourself or only share them with folks you implicitly trust and who know of the strife your aunt caused.
posted by kuppajava at 2:37 PM on February 10, 2010
i wouldn't feel bad about not grieving, nor feel bad about wishing she'd just pass already. i would, however, keep those thoughts to yourself or only share them with folks you implicitly trust and who know of the strife your aunt caused.
posted by kuppajava at 2:37 PM on February 10, 2010
When a particularly heinous family acquaintance passed away suddenly several years ago, I took my mother to his funeral. On the way there I mentioned that I looked forward to hearing his minister struggle to say something nice about the guy, and then I felt uncomfortable for speaking ill of the recently departed. My mom laughed and said, "He's dead. We're alive. We win."
So either what you feel is pretty normal, or my mother is a psychopath. Hmmmmmmm.........
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:40 PM on February 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
So either what you feel is pretty normal, or my mother is a psychopath. Hmmmmmmm.........
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:40 PM on February 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
My grandmother has been dead for over 20 years, and I'm still delighted about that. There are plenty of people I miss: as to her, I am grateful she's gone.
You are entitled to dislike someone who has been cruel to you, and even to feel that her death may be good for your uncle. Just be careful about expressing yourself to family members who may not or do not feel as you do. It may be that these are feelings you are never going to be able to discuss with them
posted by bearwife at 2:40 PM on February 10, 2010
You are entitled to dislike someone who has been cruel to you, and even to feel that her death may be good for your uncle. Just be careful about expressing yourself to family members who may not or do not feel as you do. It may be that these are feelings you are never going to be able to discuss with them
posted by bearwife at 2:40 PM on February 10, 2010
Why would you be considered dysfunctional when you're happy about a bad person dying? My step-dad was a bad person and I was ecstatic when he died. And I still smile a little to this day when I think about it.
posted by dozo at 2:48 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by dozo at 2:48 PM on February 10, 2010
Hell if I really know, but this is a pretty clear situation where the hive mind is kind of whacked out. Maybe hive mind = psycho?
Look, I am going to make a bunch of assumptions:
Presumably, you are not close to this woman on a regular basis (physically or emotionally) if you found out about this on a message board. Sounds like her abuse was via her personality, ie in a "backhanded" way, in your childhood,and not physical or sexual in nature. She's your aunt, not your parent and you didn't indicate that you were around her a lot even as a child. You seem to care about your uncle.
So based on those assumptions, I think its problematic that you haven't let go of your anger in the intervening years, and that you can't muster any sympathy for your uncle, and that you (twice) indicate positive feelings associated with her death. I'd say you are somewhere along the spectrum of "kind of immature and unreflective" to "got some issues" to "maybe you should talk to a professional".
posted by RajahKing at 3:06 PM on February 10, 2010
Look, I am going to make a bunch of assumptions:
Presumably, you are not close to this woman on a regular basis (physically or emotionally) if you found out about this on a message board. Sounds like her abuse was via her personality, ie in a "backhanded" way, in your childhood,and not physical or sexual in nature. She's your aunt, not your parent and you didn't indicate that you were around her a lot even as a child. You seem to care about your uncle.
So based on those assumptions, I think its problematic that you haven't let go of your anger in the intervening years, and that you can't muster any sympathy for your uncle, and that you (twice) indicate positive feelings associated with her death. I'd say you are somewhere along the spectrum of "kind of immature and unreflective" to "got some issues" to "maybe you should talk to a professional".
posted by RajahKing at 3:06 PM on February 10, 2010
No. This is a normal variation on the human experience that most people just don't admit to.
posted by availablelight at 3:11 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by availablelight at 3:11 PM on February 10, 2010
She's dying, which happens and is not a bad thing in and of itself. She'll be permanently out of your life, which is apparently a good thing. All of my dead relatives were very old and very ready to die. I loved them all, but was still glad to see they were finally done.
Your Uncle is the only one actually suffering here, presumably. That's what I'd be worried about.
Don't worry about yourself, worry about your Uncle.
posted by cmoj at 3:13 PM on February 10, 2010
Your Uncle is the only one actually suffering here, presumably. That's what I'd be worried about.
Don't worry about yourself, worry about your Uncle.
posted by cmoj at 3:13 PM on February 10, 2010
I'd say that you have nothing to worry about, personality-wise, provided you are feeling two, separate, distinct things:
1. A sense of relief, justice or similar, knowing someone you hate will be gone from this world;
2. Empathy for the people who love her and will miss her.
If you don't have the second one, I'd give that some thought, but having the first one doesn't make you a bad person. For example, for entirely different reasons, my mother and I were both relieved when my father died after a long illness, in part because it meant he wouldn't have to suffer any more, and in part so my mother could have some of her life back. I'm pretty sure we're not bad people.
posted by davejay at 3:29 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. A sense of relief, justice or similar, knowing someone you hate will be gone from this world;
2. Empathy for the people who love her and will miss her.
If you don't have the second one, I'd give that some thought, but having the first one doesn't make you a bad person. For example, for entirely different reasons, my mother and I were both relieved when my father died after a long illness, in part because it meant he wouldn't have to suffer any more, and in part so my mother could have some of her life back. I'm pretty sure we're not bad people.
posted by davejay at 3:29 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Like davejay's example, I think there are a lot of situations where the survivors feel relief when someone dies. I think a common and perfectly understandable reason behind these feelings is that the amount of suffering in the world goes down because of the death. This could be (and so often is) the suffering of the one who died, but it also seems like it can be the suffering of folks around him/her.
However I think these feelings are what we call inside thoughts. Outwardly, go through whatever motions you think are necessary to help those around you to find peace too. Sometimes this involves wearing uncomfortable clothes, or saying things like "she looks so natural."
Maybe that last part was an inside thought too?
posted by fritley at 3:51 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
However I think these feelings are what we call inside thoughts. Outwardly, go through whatever motions you think are necessary to help those around you to find peace too. Sometimes this involves wearing uncomfortable clothes, or saying things like "she looks so natural."
Maybe that last part was an inside thought too?
posted by fritley at 3:51 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
The night before my grandfather's funeral, the family was having dinner and joking about all the horrible things he said; the next day, at the funeral, we were off to the side and hidden and also joking. I am fairly sure that we're not all psychopaths, we just weren't sad that he was dead and enjoyed each other's company. (When my grandmother was there, grieving, we were more delicate -- but boy, the jokes we made at HER funeral.)
It's pretty normal to be happy that someone who hurt us cannot hurt us anymore, and though of course you don't want to share this with everyone (like your uncle, some other family members) it's fine to talk about it with people you trust.
You don't have to feel grief for your uncle's grief, it's fine to just fake it when you are around him. This makes you normal.
posted by jeather at 4:37 PM on February 10, 2010
It's pretty normal to be happy that someone who hurt us cannot hurt us anymore, and though of course you don't want to share this with everyone (like your uncle, some other family members) it's fine to talk about it with people you trust.
You don't have to feel grief for your uncle's grief, it's fine to just fake it when you are around him. This makes you normal.
posted by jeather at 4:37 PM on February 10, 2010
You're perfectly OK.
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:42 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by Mr. Justice at 4:42 PM on February 10, 2010
The grief for your uncle may come at the funeral, when you can see his grief more directly, so don't worry on that. Just let it happen and be there to comfort him. And, if it doesn't happen, still be there to comfort him.
posted by batmonkey at 5:09 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by batmonkey at 5:09 PM on February 10, 2010
Wow. I'm on the bus home from work. Pondering something sort of similar myself. Joining the chorus to say, me too!
I'm glad that bitch is dead. (hours and mine!)
To say that I never liked her much would be an enormous understatement, but my older sister was mortified and furious that I didn't cross the country for the funeral a few years ago.
posted by bilabial at 5:15 PM on February 10, 2010
I'm glad that bitch is dead. (hours and mine!)
To say that I never liked her much would be an enormous understatement, but my older sister was mortified and furious that I didn't cross the country for the funeral a few years ago.
posted by bilabial at 5:15 PM on February 10, 2010
I'm going to say, don't worry about forgiveness if it doesn't come to you. I worked on forgiveness for YEARS and I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It felt wrong and dishonest no matter what any book told me.
What I could do, though, was to let it all go. And eventually, that did happen.
I beat myself up for years for my inability to "forgive". Don't put yourself through that.
posted by micawber at 5:39 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
What I could do, though, was to let it all go. And eventually, that did happen.
I beat myself up for years for my inability to "forgive". Don't put yourself through that.
posted by micawber at 5:39 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
My grandma on my dad's side died a few years ago. Not a tear.
I'll cry over the mere notion that my kids might have a hard time with (fill-in-the-blank), so it isn't that I'm dead inside.
It is that she was a pain in the ass, and "blood" only goes so far. She made my dad miserable. She was a pain. Judgmental, super-Christian, pain-in-the-ass. She couldn't even accept that I had a beard in college ("It is sinister!").
Sorry old lady, I know you are the product of your times, I get that, but yet, that ain't enough. I don't mourn you. I'm sorry my father's mother died, but to me, you were nothing.
She should have actually tried to learn, to accept a (tiny) bit of change. She could have entertained the idea that she did not know the perfect path to happiness.
I think the proof of that last is the fact that she was miserable. Every.time.I.ever.met.her. Thanks, I'll pass on your supposed wisdom, Grandma. I'd rather not be miserable.
Happily, this seems to work for me. I'm not miserable. I actually think my life is blessed. Quite the change.
Too late for her, so be it.
posted by Invoke at 5:42 PM on February 10, 2010
I'll cry over the mere notion that my kids might have a hard time with (fill-in-the-blank), so it isn't that I'm dead inside.
It is that she was a pain in the ass, and "blood" only goes so far. She made my dad miserable. She was a pain. Judgmental, super-Christian, pain-in-the-ass. She couldn't even accept that I had a beard in college ("It is sinister!").
Sorry old lady, I know you are the product of your times, I get that, but yet, that ain't enough. I don't mourn you. I'm sorry my father's mother died, but to me, you were nothing.
She should have actually tried to learn, to accept a (tiny) bit of change. She could have entertained the idea that she did not know the perfect path to happiness.
I think the proof of that last is the fact that she was miserable. Every.time.I.ever.met.her. Thanks, I'll pass on your supposed wisdom, Grandma. I'd rather not be miserable.
Happily, this seems to work for me. I'm not miserable. I actually think my life is blessed. Quite the change.
Too late for her, so be it.
posted by Invoke at 5:42 PM on February 10, 2010
Psychopath?
I don't think that is the issue at all. You have accumulated experience and feelings.
My former mother in law is someone who made my life miserable. Because of her narcissism and her immaturity. What I know about her early life explains a lot.
I carried that weight for a lot of years. I still have minimal contact with her and she is still grandmother to my three kids.
I have set her free. For my own good, not hers. I no longer need to explain it, psychoanalyze, etc. I forgive her because she knew not what she did.
I realized that my emotions were giving her way too much power that she did not deserve. She is still alive and is still the center of the universe, to her. I can't help that. My kids are adults and are well equipped to deal with things as they see fit. They know how I feel.
But. I no longer giver her any power over my life. What happened, happened. Like most such people, they were created. A piece of work that was created by God knows what. I wish her well. I feel more sorry for her than anything else. That she has never experienced love without an expected payback.
People like this can give us strength and make the world a better place. Seriously. If the effect of her on you ensures that you will live in the opposite, the world is a better place, is it not? Sick, malformed people can actually strengthen the species. You are a psychopath only if you follow and continue her path.
Let go. Let live. Be the change you wish to see...
posted by private_idaho at 7:08 PM on February 10, 2010
I don't think that is the issue at all. You have accumulated experience and feelings.
My former mother in law is someone who made my life miserable. Because of her narcissism and her immaturity. What I know about her early life explains a lot.
I carried that weight for a lot of years. I still have minimal contact with her and she is still grandmother to my three kids.
I have set her free. For my own good, not hers. I no longer need to explain it, psychoanalyze, etc. I forgive her because she knew not what she did.
I realized that my emotions were giving her way too much power that she did not deserve. She is still alive and is still the center of the universe, to her. I can't help that. My kids are adults and are well equipped to deal with things as they see fit. They know how I feel.
But. I no longer giver her any power over my life. What happened, happened. Like most such people, they were created. A piece of work that was created by God knows what. I wish her well. I feel more sorry for her than anything else. That she has never experienced love without an expected payback.
People like this can give us strength and make the world a better place. Seriously. If the effect of her on you ensures that you will live in the opposite, the world is a better place, is it not? Sick, malformed people can actually strengthen the species. You are a psychopath only if you follow and continue her path.
Let go. Let live. Be the change you wish to see...
posted by private_idaho at 7:08 PM on February 10, 2010
I'm with the hive mind on this one. It's a perfectly normal reaction. My grandmother, who never wasted an opportunity to insult me or my mother, died on my birthday. My first thought was, "is this a karmic birthday present?" My second thought was for my grandfather, who was devastated, and despite being a surly teenager, I was perfectly respectable at the funeral. It all goes back to what davejay says -- as long as you feel empathy for those who mourn, you're all right.
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 7:08 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 7:08 PM on February 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
"No, don't be sorry, I hated the *, and I'm glad he's dead."
(Apologies, I used a leftover quote from yesterday's Slacker post.)
posted by ovvl at 8:52 PM on February 10, 2010
(Apologies, I used a leftover quote from yesterday's Slacker post.)
posted by ovvl at 8:52 PM on February 10, 2010
What do you think happens when you go through life making enemies instead of friends?
posted by fuq at 8:53 PM on February 10, 2010
posted by fuq at 8:53 PM on February 10, 2010
I had an aunt whom I loved and cared for very much, and I was relieved and... not happy, but content, when she died. She was very sweet, but very, very stubborn at the same time. She was in her 90s and very physically frail, but refused to leave her tall, narrow three-story house and refused ANY accommodations or help from her family or even any professional help to make things easier for herself (and for her family nearby, who were constantly coming 'round to find her sprawled on the floor, unable to get up, or to find that she had soiled herself because she was unable to make it up the stairs to the toilet). She HATED being old, hated the idea that she needed help for anything, and her relationships with her children and grandchildren suffered because of it. She became angry, irritable, and pushed everyone away. It was a sad end to a vibrant and interesting life.
It was good that she died. She had lived a long time and she was unhappy sticking around any longer. I just say this to point out that I wasn't sad when a good, loved person died. I am not heartless, or dead inside, and neither are you. Your aunt caused you pain and made you unhappy, and now she can't do that anymore. You can feel content about that. You don't have to grieve for her. I will say this though - if you are looking for some kind of sadness, maybe to make it more "real"for you or to help you "act" more appropriately somber around your other family, you can think of it in terms of what kind of life she *could have* had if she were kinder. Think about the pain she might have suffered that turned her into the kind of person she was. It's not sad for you that she's dead, or that she will be soon. But it is generally sad that she wasted her life being cruel and unhappy.
posted by Wroksie at 2:43 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It was good that she died. She had lived a long time and she was unhappy sticking around any longer. I just say this to point out that I wasn't sad when a good, loved person died. I am not heartless, or dead inside, and neither are you. Your aunt caused you pain and made you unhappy, and now she can't do that anymore. You can feel content about that. You don't have to grieve for her. I will say this though - if you are looking for some kind of sadness, maybe to make it more "real"for you or to help you "act" more appropriately somber around your other family, you can think of it in terms of what kind of life she *could have* had if she were kinder. Think about the pain she might have suffered that turned her into the kind of person she was. It's not sad for you that she's dead, or that she will be soon. But it is generally sad that she wasted her life being cruel and unhappy.
posted by Wroksie at 2:43 AM on February 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
« Older Help me plot some fun weekend trips around... | Chatbot that displays emotional icons. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:35 PM on February 10, 2010 [11 favorites]