Common relationship myths?
January 13, 2010 12:13 PM Subscribe
Common relationship myths?
So, after a number of not-entirely-successful relationships in the last year, I've had the opportunity to reflect on what I know and believe about relationships. This, in combination with browsing on AskMe, has highlighted the fact that at times I have somewhat unreasonable expectations regarding relationships or in how I understand them to function.
I thought it might be helpful to collect suggestions as to common relationship myths, be they hetero, same-sex, common-law, marriage, dating, what have you. Even more, they can be myths which perpetuate either an overly positive or negative perspective.
So, after a number of not-entirely-successful relationships in the last year, I've had the opportunity to reflect on what I know and believe about relationships. This, in combination with browsing on AskMe, has highlighted the fact that at times I have somewhat unreasonable expectations regarding relationships or in how I understand them to function.
I thought it might be helpful to collect suggestions as to common relationship myths, be they hetero, same-sex, common-law, marriage, dating, what have you. Even more, they can be myths which perpetuate either an overly positive or negative perspective.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Without something a lot more concrete in terms of purpose and scope to frame this, it seems like it's pretty much general chatfilter. -- cortex
My #1 Myth: There's only person in the world that's right for you.
posted by unexpected at 12:17 PM on January 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by unexpected at 12:17 PM on January 13, 2010 [7 favorites]
Do you mean misconceptions about how people are supposed to act in relationships? Or do you mean pointing out what is touted as common in Hollywood romantic comedies (fairytale endings for marriages or whatever) are actually not that common?
I'm just not sure what you mean by "relationship myths." Every relationship is different.
posted by np312 at 12:18 PM on January 13, 2010
I'm just not sure what you mean by "relationship myths." Every relationship is different.
posted by np312 at 12:18 PM on January 13, 2010
Opposites attract.
[Well maybe they do, but a relationship based on conflict rarely makes either party happy.]
You can teach the other person how you want to be treated by example.
[This one seems like it should be right, but I've perpetuated and witnessed so much tension between people because they don't come right out and ask for what they want/need. You can't just assume someone gets it because you do it for them.]
posted by Kimberly at 12:22 PM on January 13, 2010
[Well maybe they do, but a relationship based on conflict rarely makes either party happy.]
You can teach the other person how you want to be treated by example.
[This one seems like it should be right, but I've perpetuated and witnessed so much tension between people because they don't come right out and ask for what they want/need. You can't just assume someone gets it because you do it for them.]
posted by Kimberly at 12:22 PM on January 13, 2010
Best answer: It's a myth that full and complete honestly 100% of the time is required. Sometimes, knowing when to shut up is a good thing.
It's a myth that everything gets talked about in a good relationships. See above.
It's a myth that in a good relationship, nobody gets bored, ever.
It's a myth that after you're married the work is done and it's okay to go on auto-pilot and turn into a big TV watching blob of routine.
It's a myth that each partner owes it to the other to stay the same person they were when they first got together.
It's a myth that a casual relationship to private activities enhances intimacy. In other words, it's not cool to pee in front of someone you hope will find you attractive after you've had sex for the first 1000 times. (It took me a long time to believe that one.)
And I said this above in a couple different ways but not getting this is my particular cross to bear: just because you have a thought doesn't mean it actually has to leave your mouth.
(I can't even resist hitting the post button half the time.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:24 PM on January 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
It's a myth that everything gets talked about in a good relationships. See above.
It's a myth that in a good relationship, nobody gets bored, ever.
It's a myth that after you're married the work is done and it's okay to go on auto-pilot and turn into a big TV watching blob of routine.
It's a myth that each partner owes it to the other to stay the same person they were when they first got together.
It's a myth that a casual relationship to private activities enhances intimacy. In other words, it's not cool to pee in front of someone you hope will find you attractive after you've had sex for the first 1000 times. (It took me a long time to believe that one.)
And I said this above in a couple different ways but not getting this is my particular cross to bear: just because you have a thought doesn't mean it actually has to leave your mouth.
(I can't even resist hitting the post button half the time.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:24 PM on January 13, 2010 [6 favorites]
Myth: you can fix people. Have you found your perfect guy/gal, except for the little inability to communicate/drinking problem/personality disorder/etc? No problem, a little love will fix 'em right up!
It's true that you can help people change if they want to, but you can't mold someone to fit your desires. It just never works.
posted by echo target at 12:27 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's true that you can help people change if they want to, but you can't mold someone to fit your desires. It just never works.
posted by echo target at 12:27 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Being in love with each other means that you can work anything out.
posted by dfan at 12:27 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by dfan at 12:27 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
"And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice." -- Sally Albright, When Harry Met Sally. As for the kitchen floor? "Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican tile." In other words, nobody has sex on the kitchen floor.
That movie is chock full of relationship myths. If you ever want to watch an entire film about relationship myths, this would definitely add to your research. And then go read both Bridget Jones's Diary and High Fidelity. (Read them, don't watch the movies.) And then you will have a whole "Relationship myths: A to Z" file in your head.
posted by brina at 12:28 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
That movie is chock full of relationship myths. If you ever want to watch an entire film about relationship myths, this would definitely add to your research. And then go read both Bridget Jones's Diary and High Fidelity. (Read them, don't watch the movies.) And then you will have a whole "Relationship myths: A to Z" file in your head.
posted by brina at 12:28 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
The idea that if you love each other everything will work out; you can love someone but both be looking for different things from life or from the relationship and although it is really difficult to end a relationship in which you both love each other, it's not going to make you happy to stay with someone who is looking for radically different things or doesn't have the same conception of what a relationship is.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:29 PM on January 13, 2010
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:29 PM on January 13, 2010
You should always be "completely open an honest".
posted by spaltavian at 12:30 PM on January 13, 2010
posted by spaltavian at 12:30 PM on January 13, 2010
It is a myth that good relationships take no (or little) work.
It is a myth that if you love someone you'll never find yourself attracted to another person. (You're in a relationship; not dead.)
It is a myth that you can change the other person.
posted by onhazier at 12:30 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is a myth that if you love someone you'll never find yourself attracted to another person. (You're in a relationship; not dead.)
It is a myth that you can change the other person.
posted by onhazier at 12:30 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: >Do you mean misconceptions about how people are supposed to act in relationships? Or do >you mean pointing out what is touted as common in Hollywood romantic comedies (fairytale >endings for marriages or whatever) are actually not that common?
I mean both.
As for providing examples, I think people so far are doing a very good job of it. I'm not looking for something specifically to address issues I may or may not have. I think this would be useful for a lot of people, especially given the volume of relationships questions posted here.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 12:32 PM on January 13, 2010
I mean both.
As for providing examples, I think people so far are doing a very good job of it. I'm not looking for something specifically to address issues I may or may not have. I think this would be useful for a lot of people, especially given the volume of relationships questions posted here.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 12:32 PM on January 13, 2010
Myth: Women are like this and men are like this.
No matter what words you substitute for "this," it'll still be a useless myth.
posted by Ms. Saint at 12:34 PM on January 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
No matter what words you substitute for "this," it'll still be a useless myth.
posted by Ms. Saint at 12:34 PM on January 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
That love is enough. It really isn't. I don't even know where that comes from but I do remember coming to that realization over time.
posted by mokeydraws at 12:34 PM on January 13, 2010
posted by mokeydraws at 12:34 PM on January 13, 2010
That movie [When Harry met Sally] is chock full of relationship myths.
Yup, good movie. They have a debate at the beginning: Harry says that women and men can't be friends, because "the sex thing always gets in the way." Sally disagrees. From experiences over the years, both for myself and others, Harry is right.
posted by Melismata at 12:35 PM on January 13, 2010
Yup, good movie. They have a debate at the beginning: Harry says that women and men can't be friends, because "the sex thing always gets in the way." Sally disagrees. From experiences over the years, both for myself and others, Harry is right.
posted by Melismata at 12:35 PM on January 13, 2010
How about the myth that open relationships never work out, they always end in heartbreak, that they indicate a fundamental sexual incompatibility or unresolved issues between partners, that one person always wants to be in an open relationship more than the other person does, and that they're just a way of rationalizing infidelity?
posted by hermitosis at 12:40 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 12:40 PM on January 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
"We can work it out if we just try hard enough."
"If it's not there in the beginning but we work really hard at it, it'll appear."
Sometimes you just gotta know when to split. Sometimes when it's not worth trying to start.
posted by griphus at 12:45 PM on January 13, 2010
"If it's not there in the beginning but we work really hard at it, it'll appear."
Sometimes you just gotta know when to split. Sometimes when it's not worth trying to start.
posted by griphus at 12:45 PM on January 13, 2010
That someone 'completes' you, is your 'other half'.
That one person can fulfill all your needs.
(you need to be more whole than that, to be in a healthy relationship)
posted by Vaike at 12:47 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
That one person can fulfill all your needs.
(you need to be more whole than that, to be in a healthy relationship)
posted by Vaike at 12:47 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Relationships shouldn't take work. It ruins it if you have to openly talk through your problems."
"You shouldn't need to ask for what you want. Your partner should just 'know' - it should flow from them effortlessly."
Any statement that implies a clear-cut dichotomy or conflict between reason and emotion, and a lack of interplay or continuity between the two, e.g. "You can't reason about relationships; you just have to go with your feelings." (Or the opposite.)
Almost any rigid gender roles or stereotypes, e.g. "Men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love. The man has a higher sex drive than the woman in a reasonably healthy relationship. Women like talking about relationships and feelings; men don't. It's the man's job to pay for things. It's the woman's job to do the housework."
"Age difference has no effect on a relationship."
"Relationships are uniquely exciting at first, and that initial excitement always fades."
"If you're single, you shouldn't be 'looking' for a relationship. It will happen when you least expect it."
"It was love at first sight."
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:47 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
"You shouldn't need to ask for what you want. Your partner should just 'know' - it should flow from them effortlessly."
Any statement that implies a clear-cut dichotomy or conflict between reason and emotion, and a lack of interplay or continuity between the two, e.g. "You can't reason about relationships; you just have to go with your feelings." (Or the opposite.)
Almost any rigid gender roles or stereotypes, e.g. "Men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love. The man has a higher sex drive than the woman in a reasonably healthy relationship. Women like talking about relationships and feelings; men don't. It's the man's job to pay for things. It's the woman's job to do the housework."
"Age difference has no effect on a relationship."
"Relationships are uniquely exciting at first, and that initial excitement always fades."
"If you're single, you shouldn't be 'looking' for a relationship. It will happen when you least expect it."
"It was love at first sight."
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:47 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I keep being friends with this guy I'm (maybe not-so) secretly in love with, he'll eventually come around to the realization we should be more than friends.
There is someone out there for me who will be everything I need in a companion.
posted by lizbunny at 12:49 PM on January 13, 2010
There is someone out there for me who will be everything I need in a companion.
posted by lizbunny at 12:49 PM on January 13, 2010
Relationships take work. People who think that it should always be effortless are just kidding themselves. It should be enjoyable most of the time, but there will be hard stuff. Just because you love somebody does not mean you will like them all the time.
I have found this to be true: "The wind will snuff a small flame but will only feed a fire."
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:50 PM on January 13, 2010
I have found this to be true: "The wind will snuff a small flame but will only feed a fire."
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:50 PM on January 13, 2010
Yup, good movie. They have a debate at the beginning: Harry says that women and men can't be friends, because "the sex thing always gets in the way." Sally disagrees. From experiences over the years, both for myself and others, Harry is right.
Myth.
posted by RajahKing at 12:53 PM on January 13, 2010
My favorite relationship myth is that "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
I also think there are a ton of misconceptions, many addressed above. I have felt very, very fortunate myself because I met someone I love as much today as I did when I married him years ago, and who is also my best friend and my confidant in all things. And I do tell him everything, that works for us. But in my experience, most relationships are less tight and less happy than that. A good relationship is a matter of excellent luck in meeting the right person, as well as some work, that's what they don't tell you.
posted by bearwife at 12:54 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also think there are a ton of misconceptions, many addressed above. I have felt very, very fortunate myself because I met someone I love as much today as I did when I married him years ago, and who is also my best friend and my confidant in all things. And I do tell him everything, that works for us. But in my experience, most relationships are less tight and less happy than that. A good relationship is a matter of excellent luck in meeting the right person, as well as some work, that's what they don't tell you.
posted by bearwife at 12:54 PM on January 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by juliplease at 12:17 PM on January 13, 2010 [3 favorites]