Apologizing for a long-ago affair
January 6, 2010 10:19 PM Subscribe
10 years ago I slept with his girlfriend. Yesterday I ran into him. Do I apologize for what happened 10 years ago?
10 years ago I slept with a friend's girlfriend. While I wasn't exactly the pursuer in the situation, I take full responsibility for my actions and felt horrible about it. I apologized to his face, our friendship ended and we haven't spoke since. He since married his GF.
Yesterday I see this ex-friend at work; he approached me and said hi. We made small talk for 5 minutes. It was quite a shock and I didn't know what to say.
Do I send an email to him apologizing for what happened 10 years ago, and tell him that that lesson caused me to avoid making decisions that hurt other people in the same way I hurt him? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie, and not say anything?
10 years ago I slept with a friend's girlfriend. While I wasn't exactly the pursuer in the situation, I take full responsibility for my actions and felt horrible about it. I apologized to his face, our friendship ended and we haven't spoke since. He since married his GF.
Yesterday I see this ex-friend at work; he approached me and said hi. We made small talk for 5 minutes. It was quite a shock and I didn't know what to say.
Do I send an email to him apologizing for what happened 10 years ago, and tell him that that lesson caused me to avoid making decisions that hurt other people in the same way I hurt him? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie, and not say anything?
You apologized once, which was admirable. Let it go. He and his GF obviously moved on and so should you.
posted by buzzkillington at 10:24 PM on January 6, 2010 [17 favorites]
posted by buzzkillington at 10:24 PM on January 6, 2010 [17 favorites]
He's still with her? God, don't bring it up. If you guys start to become friends again then maybe. But don't go out of your way. If he had moved on to some other girl and you wanted to be friends, I'd say, sure, apologize. But, as that's not the case, don't go out of your way. It would just be pointing out that you once slept with his wife.
posted by amanda at 10:24 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 10:24 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Leave it alone. I'm assuming that, since he approached you and was friendly, he was indicating that he's forgiven you, and wants to let the past go. It's not like he would have forgotten about what happened -- I suspect he was just as nervous as you were, and was trying to extend the olive branch to you. You apologized ten years ago, he's forgiven you -- let it go.
posted by sarcasticah at 10:27 PM on January 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 10:27 PM on January 6, 2010 [8 favorites]
No. He's okay with making small talk with you to show that he's moved on; any residual guilt is your own burden at this point.
posted by desuetude at 10:33 PM on January 6, 2010
posted by desuetude at 10:33 PM on January 6, 2010
I agree that you shouldn't say anything. I know if I saw my ex-friend, I would be cordial with him but I really wouldn't want to get into the past, which is what your apology would do. If you want to keep talking and become friends again, then I would let him be the one that takes action and initiates conversation, but don't try and force you two to become friends again.
posted by spacesbetween at 10:35 PM on January 6, 2010
posted by spacesbetween at 10:35 PM on January 6, 2010
So the guy already is aware of what happened. What precisely is the point of bringing it up again?
If you feel awful about it, show it in your actions and not words. Keep distance from his now wife and maintain distance! That will save everyone awkwardness without sacrificing basic courtesy.
posted by xm at 10:35 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you feel awful about it, show it in your actions and not words. Keep distance from his now wife and maintain distance! That will save everyone awkwardness without sacrificing basic courtesy.
posted by xm at 10:35 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Say nothing. Unless he mentions it.
Really, don't bring it up. Don't even be hinty about 'regretting decisions in your past.'
Since this was a chance meeting at your place of work, if I were you I wouldn't even contact the guy. But that's just me, not actual advice.
posted by bilabial at 10:39 PM on January 6, 2010
Really, don't bring it up. Don't even be hinty about 'regretting decisions in your past.'
Since this was a chance meeting at your place of work, if I were you I wouldn't even contact the guy. But that's just me, not actual advice.
posted by bilabial at 10:39 PM on January 6, 2010
As Miracle Max might say, "thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:41 PM on January 6, 2010 [19 favorites]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:41 PM on January 6, 2010 [19 favorites]
Say nothing of it. Ever. I'd bet with almost certainty that if you pretend to have forgotten, he'll do the same. Remember, she's not just someone you slept with. She's his wife. Say nothing of it. Ever.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:00 PM on January 6, 2010
posted by 2oh1 at 11:00 PM on January 6, 2010
If you sleep with his girlfriend once more, feel free to apologize again. But you've already apologized, so there's no need for you to bring it up again. Talk about it only if he brings it up.
posted by inturnaround at 11:19 PM on January 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 11:19 PM on January 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
No. Don't. Let it be.
posted by azpenguin at 11:29 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by azpenguin at 11:29 PM on January 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You already apologized, no need to do it again. Now think about the future - maybe you can start anew with your old friend.
posted by zippy at 11:42 PM on January 6, 2010
posted by zippy at 11:42 PM on January 6, 2010
He's building bridges. Both of you are older and, hopefully, wiser. You've already done your apologizing; now let him do the accepting of that that's taken ten years to get around to. With that out of the way, there's a good chance that whatever made you friends in the first place will then be strong enough to let you be friends again.
posted by flabdablet at 2:12 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 2:12 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree. say nothing of it at all. especially as they are now married.
posted by mary8nne at 2:41 AM on January 7, 2010
posted by mary8nne at 2:41 AM on January 7, 2010
Or do I let sleeping dogs lie, and not say anything?
Less said, sooner mended. I have found this little aphorism to be 100% TRUFAX.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:41 AM on January 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Less said, sooner mended. I have found this little aphorism to be 100% TRUFAX.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:41 AM on January 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
It's not as if he forgot to mention it himself. The whole point of his overture to you is that he's willing to move on in spite of what happened. He obviously knows that you're sorry. Bringing it up would mainly just remind him that you're thinking of it. He would probably prefer to think that you're not thinking about it so very much.
Who knows what has happened. Maybe one day she tearfully confessed to him that she seduced you, and that she wishes he wouldn't blame you for her mistake. Maybe he cheated on her and almost lost her for it, and feels that he's no longer in a position to judge you so harshly. Maybe he had a near-death experience that gave him some perspective. It doesn't matter. It's his right to move on, and he's exercising that right, and your place in the equation is to roll with it.
Just don't ever be the first one to mention her when you're having a conversation with him.
posted by bingo at 6:11 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Who knows what has happened. Maybe one day she tearfully confessed to him that she seduced you, and that she wishes he wouldn't blame you for her mistake. Maybe he cheated on her and almost lost her for it, and feels that he's no longer in a position to judge you so harshly. Maybe he had a near-death experience that gave him some perspective. It doesn't matter. It's his right to move on, and he's exercising that right, and your place in the equation is to roll with it.
Just don't ever be the first one to mention her when you're having a conversation with him.
posted by bingo at 6:11 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Oh. So you mean you still think about when you slept with my wife? She's my wife for crying out loud and you still think about sleeping with her? Have you no decency? Good god, man."
Just sit next to him in the grass for a while, metaphorically. Language is the source of all misunderstanding.
posted by jock@law at 6:11 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just sit next to him in the grass for a while, metaphorically. Language is the source of all misunderstanding.
posted by jock@law at 6:11 AM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
No. It would make you feel better. Not him.
posted by Silvertree at 6:19 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Silvertree at 6:19 AM on January 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
You apologized once, which was admirable. Let it go. He and his GF obviously moved on and so should you.
Go ahead and have this tattooed on the inside of your forearm. Refer to it whenever you think of bringing the past up with your ex-friend.
posted by puritycontrol at 7:26 AM on January 7, 2010
Go ahead and have this tattooed on the inside of your forearm. Refer to it whenever you think of bringing the past up with your ex-friend.
posted by puritycontrol at 7:26 AM on January 7, 2010
To join the chorus; in the name of all that is holy...NO!
posted by dejah420 at 7:39 AM on January 7, 2010
posted by dejah420 at 7:39 AM on January 7, 2010
All you are is a huge reminder of how the person he loves the most once hurt him terribly. Apologizing again just makes it much worse. Might give you some relief, but at a cost. He could even feel an irrational fear that if he reestablishes contact, it might happen again. You do him no service by apologizing again or reentering his life.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:06 AM on January 7, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 8:06 AM on January 7, 2010
I'm that guy. I mean, I'm not necessarily YOUR that guy, but I'm that guy. A couple of years back the acquaintance / ex-roommate who slept with my girlfriend tried to bring it up and, yeah, I didn't want to hear any of it. Maybe I'm just great at holding a grudge, but no amount of apologizing is going to change the past. I'm not going to take a swing at the guy -- he's one of my closest friend's childhood pals -- and I'll be perfectly cordial at gatherings of various kinds but I'm more than willing to get in his face if he brings it up again.
Trying to get it off your chest again serves only you, not the guy you're talking about. Keep your goddamned trap shut unless dude brings it up. Using him to help you feel less bad about the past isn't real apologizing and nobody wants to hear it.
posted by majick at 8:14 AM on January 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Trying to get it off your chest again serves only you, not the guy you're talking about. Keep your goddamned trap shut unless dude brings it up. Using him to help you feel less bad about the past isn't real apologizing and nobody wants to hear it.
posted by majick at 8:14 AM on January 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Don't bring it up ever again. He obviously has forgave and forgot. I don't think bringing up the fact that you had sex with his now wife is a good idea. Make small talk and keep it just that.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:52 AM on January 7, 2010
posted by Mastercheddaar at 8:52 AM on January 7, 2010
"Hey, remember that time I banged your wife?" is almost never the right thing to say.
posted by spilon at 9:07 AM on January 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by spilon at 9:07 AM on January 7, 2010 [11 favorites]
My opinion, which is perhaps unique, is that I would avoid this guy entirely - including the small talk. This is a similar, but perhaps way more extreme position, than the rest of the chorus of "don't bring it up". I wouldn't even want it to be a possibility that *he* brings it up.
posted by Citrus at 12:48 PM on January 7, 2010
posted by Citrus at 12:48 PM on January 7, 2010
This would only be appropriate when you're both sloppy drunk and after several rounds of "I love you man". THEN you can bring it up, but be ready for a drunken fist fight and/or more rounds of "I love you man" followed by alcohol poisoning.
Otherwise, no, don't.
posted by skintension at 2:44 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, no, don't.
posted by skintension at 2:44 PM on January 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
In the words of Natasha from Sex and the City after receiving a similar apology, "Now, not only have you ruined my marriage, but you've ruined my lunch."
posted by telegraph at 9:11 PM on January 7, 2010
posted by telegraph at 9:11 PM on January 7, 2010
Yeah. He knows that you fucked his girlfriend. There's no need to jog his memory about that. If he wanted to talk about the time you fucked his girlfriend, he would bring it up himself.
He didn't—and chances are very good that, ten years on, he doesn't want to spend any more time thinking about you fucking his girlfriend than absolutely necessary. His gesture was intended to show that he's more interested in moving on with his life than picking at ten-year-old grievances. You should do the same.
This does not mean that you're friends again, or that you should try to be.
posted by ixohoxi at 9:05 PM on January 10, 2010
He didn't—and chances are very good that, ten years on, he doesn't want to spend any more time thinking about you fucking his girlfriend than absolutely necessary. His gesture was intended to show that he's more interested in moving on with his life than picking at ten-year-old grievances. You should do the same.
This does not mean that you're friends again, or that you should try to be.
posted by ixohoxi at 9:05 PM on January 10, 2010
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