Oh poop, I killed his dinosaurs.
January 2, 2010 9:08 PM Subscribe
Oh poop! I killed my son's science experiment "dinosaurs" by changing the water in the tank. If you were a 7 year old boy, what would make you feel better about this tragedy?
My son raised triops from eggs. They recently got big enough that we started feeding them carrots and other goodies, which made the water pretty ooky in an tank without a filter. This evening, I told him that I would change the water in the tank after he went to bed.
And I did. Only, apparently, I did it wrong, cause now they're all dead.
I realize, that to you and me, these are just freshwater mini horseshoe crabs, but to him, they were dinosaurs that he grew. He was very proud of them, and he was planning on using them for a science exhibit on animals which haven't changed in millions of years.
I can't just replace them, especially ones that big, because it take about a month to get them that size, and you have to order the eggs from somewhere.
I feel so awful, I just don't know what to do. How do you explain to a kid that you just accidentally wiped out a month of his work and his little pets, and you don't even know how you did it.
I know he'll wake up before I do. He gets up super early to sneak down and watch cartoons. We pretend we don't know he does it, and he lets us sleep until 7 or so. But I know he'll come down and check the tank, and realize that none of them are moving, and they're all sitting on the bottom of the tank.
But, I don't want to treat it like it's a death in the family by waiting for him when he gets up, because then I think it *will* be a big deal, even if it wouldn't have otherwise.
What think you, hive mind? What can I do to earn the forgiveness of my budding biologist?
My son raised triops from eggs. They recently got big enough that we started feeding them carrots and other goodies, which made the water pretty ooky in an tank without a filter. This evening, I told him that I would change the water in the tank after he went to bed.
And I did. Only, apparently, I did it wrong, cause now they're all dead.
I realize, that to you and me, these are just freshwater mini horseshoe crabs, but to him, they were dinosaurs that he grew. He was very proud of them, and he was planning on using them for a science exhibit on animals which haven't changed in millions of years.
I can't just replace them, especially ones that big, because it take about a month to get them that size, and you have to order the eggs from somewhere.
I feel so awful, I just don't know what to do. How do you explain to a kid that you just accidentally wiped out a month of his work and his little pets, and you don't even know how you did it.
I know he'll wake up before I do. He gets up super early to sneak down and watch cartoons. We pretend we don't know he does it, and he lets us sleep until 7 or so. But I know he'll come down and check the tank, and realize that none of them are moving, and they're all sitting on the bottom of the tank.
But, I don't want to treat it like it's a death in the family by waiting for him when he gets up, because then I think it *will* be a big deal, even if it wouldn't have otherwise.
What think you, hive mind? What can I do to earn the forgiveness of my budding biologist?
One way or another, this will be a big deal to him. Particularly because you did it, and it may be his first time realizing adults make mistakes. Particularly that you made a mistake that hurt something important to him. So, be honest, fess up, and say to him exactly what you said to us, minus the bit about them being "just freshwater mini horseshoe crabs".
I really have no advice to offer other than to remember that regardless of what you do, this will be a big deal to him, and that nothing you do can change that.
posted by strixus at 9:15 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
I really have no advice to offer other than to remember that regardless of what you do, this will be a big deal to him, and that nothing you do can change that.
posted by strixus at 9:15 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Not good advice, but maybe leave a note telling what you've done, and to ask him to wake you up when he find it if you aren't up already.
Turn the science experiment into something about that rapid changes in environment (like anthropomorphic global climate change) can be deadly, and how it might not be just bad stewardship or bad luck but just simply not understanding how (an) ecosystem works.
Did you replace the tank water with fresh tap water? It could've been the chlorine or it could've been the the temperature. I'm not familiar with triops, but pH or osmolarity might also have been problems.
posted by porpoise at 9:25 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Turn the science experiment into something about that rapid changes in environment (like anthropomorphic global climate change) can be deadly, and how it might not be just bad stewardship or bad luck but just simply not understanding how (an) ecosystem works.
Did you replace the tank water with fresh tap water? It could've been the chlorine or it could've been the the temperature. I'm not familiar with triops, but pH or osmolarity might also have been problems.
posted by porpoise at 9:25 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's really awful for your son. I'm not sure how you can help him deal emotionally, but you might assure him that you will speak to his teacher and explain that it was your fault they died. Once he's over the initial upset you'll also want to help him rescue a science project from this: If he's been taking notes, maybe something on the life cycle/development of the triops?
But really what I wanted to add was this: You said you don't know how you killed them. Did you by any chance wipe the tank clean with a sponge? I once killed a tank full of fish this way, changing only 1/3 of the water and doing everything else right. My post-tragedy googling suggested that there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that kitchen sponges are usually treated with anti-bacterial stuff. The fish need the bacteria that coat their skin and die without it. Maybe the same is true for your triops. If you get another set, don't clean the tank with a sponge.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:29 PM on January 2, 2010
But really what I wanted to add was this: You said you don't know how you killed them. Did you by any chance wipe the tank clean with a sponge? I once killed a tank full of fish this way, changing only 1/3 of the water and doing everything else right. My post-tragedy googling suggested that there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that kitchen sponges are usually treated with anti-bacterial stuff. The fish need the bacteria that coat their skin and die without it. Maybe the same is true for your triops. If you get another set, don't clean the tank with a sponge.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:29 PM on January 2, 2010
Could you score a hermit crab to go with his exhibit and help him whomp up a set of posters, one about triops and one about hermit crabs?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:30 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:30 PM on January 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can find them at some pet stores, evidently. Where are you located? I would call around every pet store & aquarium in the area and see if any are available of the appropriate size. If you are able to locate a suitable replacement for an acceptable cost, you can buy a few hours or days of time by claiming "they had to go to the vet for a check-up." Or, if you aren't comfortable lying to the kid, you can distract him while a spouse/relative/friend goes and gets the replacements.
posted by jedicus at 9:32 PM on January 2, 2010
posted by jedicus at 9:32 PM on January 2, 2010
Best answer: I know you must feel horrible and I can sympathize as a mother, but just be as honest as you can be, without being melodramatic. "Honey, I'm so sorry, the triops died after I changed their water, and I'm not sure how or why they died, but maybe we can do some research and find out."
Then maybe he can still use them (or at least the situation) in his science presentation. Research the possible reasons why they died -- Maybe the temperature of the fresh water was too different from the temperature of the old water? Maybe too much "pollution" from the uneaten food? Maybe old age? (my son grew triops several years ago and I don't remember them lasting much more than a month).
If he's got a morbid sense of humor, he could title his presentation "My Mother Murdered My Triops: A Crime-Scene Investigation." ;)
Best wishes to you both.
posted by amyms at 9:32 PM on January 2, 2010 [34 favorites]
Then maybe he can still use them (or at least the situation) in his science presentation. Research the possible reasons why they died -- Maybe the temperature of the fresh water was too different from the temperature of the old water? Maybe too much "pollution" from the uneaten food? Maybe old age? (my son grew triops several years ago and I don't remember them lasting much more than a month).
If he's got a morbid sense of humor, he could title his presentation "My Mother Murdered My Triops: A Crime-Scene Investigation." ;)
Best wishes to you both.
posted by amyms at 9:32 PM on January 2, 2010 [34 favorites]
Hmm, apparently drying out the tank, waiting a month, and re-hydrating usually results in new hatchings from the previous trops brood (if the previous generation got to sexual maturity).
If your son's really upset, maybe this course of action will be an example of the 'circle of life.'...?
If this scenario works out, look for 'dinosaur plants' (Selaginella lepidophylla - you'll be able to find specimens much much cheaper using the latin species name rather than the common name) - for his next project, see how many times the plant can be "killed" (under different circumstances - cold, drought, darkness, chemicals, &c) before being revied.
posted by porpoise at 9:34 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
If your son's really upset, maybe this course of action will be an example of the 'circle of life.'...?
If this scenario works out, look for 'dinosaur plants' (Selaginella lepidophylla - you'll be able to find specimens much much cheaper using the latin species name rather than the common name) - for his next project, see how many times the plant can be "killed" (under different circumstances - cold, drought, darkness, chemicals, &c) before being revied.
posted by porpoise at 9:34 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
You say that you're sorry this happened. That sometimes people make mistakes. You didn't mean for what happened to happen and then you bribe him. For instance, you can take him out for his favorite meal at a restaurant.
posted by inturnaround at 9:34 PM on January 2, 2010
posted by inturnaround at 9:34 PM on January 2, 2010
Best answer: While there are aspects of this that really suck for both you and your son, there are some positive opportunities here. Once the initial panic/sadness/reaction wears off, you two can go a bunch of new directions. Maybe crime-solve what happened? Look at it as a puzzle to piece together. Learn about loss. Learn about starting over - the value of doing something a second time and benefiting from previous mistakes. This last one is a biggie. Sometimes we are so defined by the ends of things, that we forsake all the joy we had up until that point. Starting over reminds us how to be present in the journey, and to cherish all those steps along the way.
Your son will be emotionally connected to this experience, no matter what you do. Make it something that he will be able to build on and carry with him through life. Worse things WILL happen to him. And when they do, he will try to cope using the best tools he's got. It'd be great if moving through this will be one of the things you taught him how to do. So be honest, caring, compassionate, strong, and positive about the situation. You don't have to try to hard to teach the lessons. Just be dad.
Also, there's this other mystery that happened with some dinosaurs too. You know, the big ones. I bet your son might like to hear more about that.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:36 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your son will be emotionally connected to this experience, no matter what you do. Make it something that he will be able to build on and carry with him through life. Worse things WILL happen to him. And when they do, he will try to cope using the best tools he's got. It'd be great if moving through this will be one of the things you taught him how to do. So be honest, caring, compassionate, strong, and positive about the situation. You don't have to try to hard to teach the lessons. Just be dad.
Also, there's this other mystery that happened with some dinosaurs too. You know, the big ones. I bet your son might like to hear more about that.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:36 PM on January 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: No, I followed the instructions...I used distilled water; I knew they were sensitive to chlorine and fluoride, both of which exist in our water supply. (Plus gods only knows what else.) The only thing I can think of is that I replaced too large a percentage of the water, as in perhaps I wasn't supposed to change 2/3 of it, or perhaps I had the water too warm, although I did use the insta-read thermometer and it was in the range...but it still might have been a shock to their little systems if it was significantly warmer than the tank water.
I was wearing food-safe latex gloves when I wiped the inside of the tank, but maybe something leached from either the gloves or the paper towel?
I just don't know.
But in any case, I did something wrong. But using it as a chance to talk about environmental changes with an opportunity to talk about climate change is a really good idea...albeit one I may use later, and probably not tomorrow morning.
I've already ordered more triops eggs. I was thinking about maybe taking him to the pet store tomorrow to get a fish, so he still has something swimming around to watch, but I dunno...I mean, when my cat died, I didn't want someone going and getting me a new kitten right away.
I feel just awful about this.
posted by dejah420 at 9:37 PM on January 2, 2010
I was wearing food-safe latex gloves when I wiped the inside of the tank, but maybe something leached from either the gloves or the paper towel?
I just don't know.
But in any case, I did something wrong. But using it as a chance to talk about environmental changes with an opportunity to talk about climate change is a really good idea...albeit one I may use later, and probably not tomorrow morning.
I've already ordered more triops eggs. I was thinking about maybe taking him to the pet store tomorrow to get a fish, so he still has something swimming around to watch, but I dunno...I mean, when my cat died, I didn't want someone going and getting me a new kitten right away.
I feel just awful about this.
posted by dejah420 at 9:37 PM on January 2, 2010
Best answer: I second the advice above. You may also want to ask your son what the two of you could do to fix things. Maybe he would be content with another batch just for fun (if they won't grow to size in time for the exhibit)? Or maybe he'd like a fancier fish tank with a filter for future specimens?
Just make sure that he knows that you're sorry and that you value his things (or creatures). He'll get over the loss of his "dinosaurs", but will remember how you respected his feelings and made sure to admit that you made a mistake. That means a lot.
posted by annaramma at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just make sure that he knows that you're sorry and that you value his things (or creatures). He'll get over the loss of his "dinosaurs", but will remember how you respected his feelings and made sure to admit that you made a mistake. That means a lot.
posted by annaramma at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
My apologies for mistaking you as dad instead of mom! Yikes, sorry!
posted by iamkimiam at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010
posted by iamkimiam at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010
Response by poster: "My Mother Murdered My Triops: A Crime-Scene Investigation." is sheer genius.
posted by dejah420 at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by dejah420 at 9:43 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
....about a month to get them that size
It looks like their life span is around a month give or take, according to wiki and some other sources. Here are some datapoints from someone who documented their triops experience (halfway down the page).
So... maybe you didn't actually kill them? Or, if that's not true, you could maybe spin it that way to your son. (Is that one of those parenting whiteish lies that's forgivable/beneficial? Who knows.)
posted by sentient at 9:49 PM on January 2, 2010
It looks like their life span is around a month give or take, according to wiki and some other sources. Here are some datapoints from someone who documented their triops experience (halfway down the page).
So... maybe you didn't actually kill them? Or, if that's not true, you could maybe spin it that way to your son. (Is that one of those parenting whiteish lies that's forgivable/beneficial? Who knows.)
posted by sentient at 9:49 PM on January 2, 2010
Be honest as you can. Tell him how bad you feel and that if there is anything you could do to try and make it better ( the pet store like "mecrani01" suggested perhaps? ) you will try. Explain that you were trying to help and that you didn't realize that something that lived for so long would be so fragile. He may see some humor in that. Or not. You don't say where you live, but I'm sure some pet stores do carry them, maybe as a food for other pets. You also don't say when the project was to take place. If you handle this right, it may bring you and your son closer.
What about making drawings of the different stages they went through with notes beside them?
Oh and I would make sure I was up in the morning waiting for him. It might help him realize you do indeed feel bad.
posted by Taurid at 9:53 PM on January 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
What about making drawings of the different stages they went through with notes beside them?
Oh and I would make sure I was up in the morning waiting for him. It might help him realize you do indeed feel bad.
posted by Taurid at 9:53 PM on January 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: A thought: Does anyone know a good way to preserve them, such that they could still be shown as part of the exhibit?
posted by dejah420 at 9:59 PM on January 2, 2010
posted by dejah420 at 9:59 PM on January 2, 2010
A lot of times you can just put crunchy specimens like that into the oven on warm for a while and preserve them that way*. Packing them in salt for a bit first to dessicate them will make for a shorter cook time. I have a huge isopod I did that to at least 10 years ago and he's still in perfect condition.
*Not responsible for stinkiness that may or may not ensue.
posted by fshgrl at 10:09 PM on January 2, 2010
*Not responsible for stinkiness that may or may not ensue.
posted by fshgrl at 10:09 PM on January 2, 2010
Oh man, my dad did something similar once when I was around the same age as your son - I had a praying mantis as a "pet" and he caught a horsefly and put it in the terrarium for it to eat. In the battle that followed, they killed each other.
I was pretty bummed out, but I knew it was a mistake and that he didn't mean for it to happen, and looking back on it as an adult I'm more bummed that he was bummed about it. Does that make sense? Just tell him that you're real sorry and you didn't mean to kill them, figure out together what happened, and make this a learning experience. He'll be okay.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:14 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
I was pretty bummed out, but I knew it was a mistake and that he didn't mean for it to happen, and looking back on it as an adult I'm more bummed that he was bummed about it. Does that make sense? Just tell him that you're real sorry and you didn't mean to kill them, figure out together what happened, and make this a learning experience. He'll be okay.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:14 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
They were old and you probably just pushed them over to their eternal rest. Lie and say they died of old age. It's a selfish lie but one that also happens to be easier for the kid.
posted by floam at 10:02 PM on January 2
I know you're not going to do this, but please, please don't do this.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by floam at 10:02 PM on January 2
I know you're not going to do this, but please, please don't do this.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [10 favorites]
I wouldn't lie, like some people are suggesting. Your son is a person, and the adult he will become is being shaped right now, by you. Rather than lying to him to make him feel better, tell him the truth and then help him cope with it. It's harder to pull off, but worth it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
To put a different spin on things, when my friend's younger brother was about your son's age, his goldfish died. His mother and older sister found out before he did and were really concerned about what his reaction could be. He had seemed really attached to the goldfish. So they sat him down when he got home and carefully explained the situation to him, fully expecting the worse; that he would break down and be inconsolable for at least a little while. His actual reation: "Can I flush him down the toilet?"
posted by kaybdc at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by kaybdc at 10:16 PM on January 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I still had the measuring cup that I used to remove water from the tank, and even though I'd poured out the tank water, I'd just put it beside the sink to deal with later. There was still some water collected in the bottom, and I've got ph strips, so I was able to collect ph data points for him. (There was a radical difference between the removed water and the water currently in the tank.) I've put the few drops that were left in the bottom of the cup into a sealed test tube (why yes, I do have weird things in my house), and I'll take him tomorrow to get some nitrate and phosphorous test strips to help him with his CSI investigation of The Case of the Evil Dino Killing Mom.
Thanks gang, you're being very helpful!
posted by dejah420 at 10:18 PM on January 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
Thanks gang, you're being very helpful!
posted by dejah420 at 10:18 PM on January 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
Best answer: porpoise mentioned aspect I wanted to bring up, which is that there may be some hope -- not for these triops, who are certainly pining for the fjords, but for the next generation. If your son wants to give it a shot, there is some possibility that his triops have already laid eggs*. He might find it interesting to see if he can raise the new generation he "bred" before trying again with the eggs you ordered.
A little bit on the life cycle of these little dudes: triops aka "tadpole shrimp" (not actually related to horseshoe crabs, but that's convergent evolution for you!) are adapted to live in temporary ponds. Each individual triops has a very short lifespan, because their habitat only lasts for a few weeks in the spring/summer. But they can lay eggs with or without other triops being around. The eggs don't actually hatch until they've been dried out, to make sure that the next generation has sufficient time to grow and breed again. (Actually, once dried out, the eggs can survive decades in what's called diapause. So you can always save the eggs for later.)
Hatching out a second triops generation is slightly more complicated than the first hatching because you need to take two additional factors into account:
1) You need to dry out the eggs. Easy!
2) The harder part is making sure the newly hatched triops have something to eat. What the kits don't usually explain very clearly (at least, my kit didn't!) is that the mysterious "detritus" stuff they give you is not so much useful in and of itself (triops don't care about twigs and dead leaves) as that it brings with it infusoria, little microscopic aquatic creatures that are just right for a tiny, hungry triops' vast appetite. The detritus is important, because if you don't make it properly your triops will hatch and then starve to death. (This is actually where I've screwed up in the past. It's certainly doable, though.)
Alternatively, if there is a place near you that sells daphnia eggs or baby daphnia, that will do fine as well.
It is actually almost 8 AM here (don't ask) and I reaaaaaally need to go to bed. I just wanted to give you some basic info while the tank is still intact, so your son has the option of giving this a shot if he wants to. If at all possible, I would suggest that you remove the dead triops and put them in the fridge. Dead crustacean rots fast and you want to give any eggs there the best chance possible. I would also suggest you browse this site, which is one of the better triops pages out there and has a lot of info on sans-kit triops care.
Let me know if you need more details tomorrow by MeMail or here, and I'll do my best to help out.
One last thing before I crash -- please, unless you have previous, successful fish-keeping experience and have your equipment ready, do not go out and buy your son a fish tomorrow, or at all until you do the appropriate research. Impulse-buying pets is never a good idea, and setting up a proper fishtank entails the creation of a nearly self-contained, chemically balanced environment -- think of what a sudden chemical change might have done to your son's triops! And, while fishkeeping is extremely rewarding both as a pet owner and as a hobby IMO, it's a lot of work and commitment to do properly and humanely. Not to dissuade you or your son from getting fish period; I just want you to be aware that it's really not something you can hope to accomplish in a day if you want things to work out.
*FYI, this is much more likely if you live in the States. The kits distributed in Europe use a different triops species which is slower to develop. It might still be worth a shot if it's been a full month. If you live in Australia or elsewhere, no idea, sorry!
posted by bettafish at 11:00 PM on January 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
A little bit on the life cycle of these little dudes: triops aka "tadpole shrimp" (not actually related to horseshoe crabs, but that's convergent evolution for you!) are adapted to live in temporary ponds. Each individual triops has a very short lifespan, because their habitat only lasts for a few weeks in the spring/summer. But they can lay eggs with or without other triops being around. The eggs don't actually hatch until they've been dried out, to make sure that the next generation has sufficient time to grow and breed again. (Actually, once dried out, the eggs can survive decades in what's called diapause. So you can always save the eggs for later.)
Hatching out a second triops generation is slightly more complicated than the first hatching because you need to take two additional factors into account:
1) You need to dry out the eggs. Easy!
2) The harder part is making sure the newly hatched triops have something to eat. What the kits don't usually explain very clearly (at least, my kit didn't!) is that the mysterious "detritus" stuff they give you is not so much useful in and of itself (triops don't care about twigs and dead leaves) as that it brings with it infusoria, little microscopic aquatic creatures that are just right for a tiny, hungry triops' vast appetite. The detritus is important, because if you don't make it properly your triops will hatch and then starve to death. (This is actually where I've screwed up in the past. It's certainly doable, though.)
Alternatively, if there is a place near you that sells daphnia eggs or baby daphnia, that will do fine as well.
It is actually almost 8 AM here (don't ask) and I reaaaaaally need to go to bed. I just wanted to give you some basic info while the tank is still intact, so your son has the option of giving this a shot if he wants to. If at all possible, I would suggest that you remove the dead triops and put them in the fridge. Dead crustacean rots fast and you want to give any eggs there the best chance possible. I would also suggest you browse this site, which is one of the better triops pages out there and has a lot of info on sans-kit triops care.
Let me know if you need more details tomorrow by MeMail or here, and I'll do my best to help out.
One last thing before I crash -- please, unless you have previous, successful fish-keeping experience and have your equipment ready, do not go out and buy your son a fish tomorrow, or at all until you do the appropriate research. Impulse-buying pets is never a good idea, and setting up a proper fishtank entails the creation of a nearly self-contained, chemically balanced environment -- think of what a sudden chemical change might have done to your son's triops! And, while fishkeeping is extremely rewarding both as a pet owner and as a hobby IMO, it's a lot of work and commitment to do properly and humanely. Not to dissuade you or your son from getting fish period; I just want you to be aware that it's really not something you can hope to accomplish in a day if you want things to work out.
*FYI, this is much more likely if you live in the States. The kits distributed in Europe use a different triops species which is slower to develop. It might still be worth a shot if it's been a full month. If you live in Australia or elsewhere, no idea, sorry!
posted by bettafish at 11:00 PM on January 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: When I was about 12 I laboriously sewed a puffy quilted wall hanging of balloons for home ec class. They came out kind of wrinkly from the effort of turning them right side out. We were supposed to iron them very lightly just to steam the fabric smooth. That night my mom, trying to help me, ironed my puffy balloons utterly flat- she pressed all the puff out of the batting- and basically ruined them.
The next morning when I saw them my stomach dropped- hours of work down the drain- I was livid, in tears, so, so upset and angry and disappointed. My usually tough and unsentimental mother felt so bad she cried a little, which of course made me see it from her perspective and feel awful. It was an important lesson for me about other people and how they're only people and they do their best out of love and mess up anyway. As an adult I think about her ironing those balloons late at night, smiling a little because she was trying to help me, and it softens my heart, and then I think about how mad I was at her and how bad she felt, and it makes me want to be a softer, more forgiving, gentler person.
I think your son can learn a very important lesson here, and it will help him if you apologize really sincerely, don't lie to him, and especially don't diminish his sadness by moving on to "solutions" too fast. Don't hide your remorse. You made a bad mistake and killed his pets- he will feel terrible about it- but if he sees that you feel terrible too, he will understand that it was just a mistake and he will learn how to forgive, which is more important than learning how to hatch dinosaur eggs anyway. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:05 AM on January 3, 2010 [14 favorites]
The next morning when I saw them my stomach dropped- hours of work down the drain- I was livid, in tears, so, so upset and angry and disappointed. My usually tough and unsentimental mother felt so bad she cried a little, which of course made me see it from her perspective and feel awful. It was an important lesson for me about other people and how they're only people and they do their best out of love and mess up anyway. As an adult I think about her ironing those balloons late at night, smiling a little because she was trying to help me, and it softens my heart, and then I think about how mad I was at her and how bad she felt, and it makes me want to be a softer, more forgiving, gentler person.
I think your son can learn a very important lesson here, and it will help him if you apologize really sincerely, don't lie to him, and especially don't diminish his sadness by moving on to "solutions" too fast. Don't hide your remorse. You made a bad mistake and killed his pets- he will feel terrible about it- but if he sees that you feel terrible too, he will understand that it was just a mistake and he will learn how to forgive, which is more important than learning how to hatch dinosaur eggs anyway. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:05 AM on January 3, 2010 [14 favorites]
Just wanted to mention: Some animals "play dead" when they're in shock. So don't throw them out until you're sure.
posted by mmoncur at 1:38 AM on January 3, 2010
posted by mmoncur at 1:38 AM on January 3, 2010
If you haven't already, you should definitely print a hard copy of this thread and save it for a time when he can really appreciate the lengths you went to for these critters and his feelings. Of course, he'll already know what a great mom you are, but if this had happened to me, I'd want to be able to read about this.
posted by The Potate at 3:14 AM on January 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by The Potate at 3:14 AM on January 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
There are a lot of great answers here, and I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but I can't help wondering why it wasn't your son's job to change the water.
Obviously, it would be harsh to say "I wouldn't have killed them if you'd taken care of them properly yourself. Maybe they died because you let it get so bad before I finally took responsibility for it. The shock of going from filthy to clean was perhaps just too much. Why didn't you act like you cared back when the water needed cleaning and you could have done it, instead of leaving it to me? If you had, they might have died after something you did."
So I wouldn't say that, because he's too young and you want to be kind to him and make sure he learns from this. But I would hope that he would be encouraged somehow to think constructively about what happened long enough that his conscience would tell him those things.
I say this as the mother of 2 adult sons and someone who shed a tear reading the "puffy balloons" comment. There are many opportunities for him to learn here, but one of the things to be learned, perhaps the most important one, is that you are a person too and that it's not just for mothers to see that things need cleaning and that animals should not be neglected.
posted by Alizaria at 9:14 AM on January 3, 2010
Obviously, it would be harsh to say "I wouldn't have killed them if you'd taken care of them properly yourself. Maybe they died because you let it get so bad before I finally took responsibility for it. The shock of going from filthy to clean was perhaps just too much. Why didn't you act like you cared back when the water needed cleaning and you could have done it, instead of leaving it to me? If you had, they might have died after something you did."
So I wouldn't say that, because he's too young and you want to be kind to him and make sure he learns from this. But I would hope that he would be encouraged somehow to think constructively about what happened long enough that his conscience would tell him those things.
I say this as the mother of 2 adult sons and someone who shed a tear reading the "puffy balloons" comment. There are many opportunities for him to learn here, but one of the things to be learned, perhaps the most important one, is that you are a person too and that it's not just for mothers to see that things need cleaning and that animals should not be neglected.
posted by Alizaria at 9:14 AM on January 3, 2010
Response by poster: Follow up:
There were tears. After all, he's little...he just turned 7 and the triops were a bday present. I told him how sorry I was, and that I didn't blame him if he was mad, and that it was ok for him to be sad and angry. He said that he was sad, but that he knew I hadn't done it on purpose. He said "I guess it shows that Moms can make big mistakes too." He's a good kid, he really is.
We fished the triops out, and made an origami coffin for them, so he can "bury" them in our duck pond. (Sort of a viking funeral for triops.)
Following instruction here and on on the groovy mytriops page linked by bettafish, we're going to dry out the tank, create some detritus from our pond, and hope that there are eggs in the bottom of the tank. (As well as the eggs I've ordered.) The mytriops page gave some good instructions on breeding and tanks and recipes, so we're going to visit the pet store for a better tank for the next brood.
Thanks so much for all your stories, and your support. This is why askme is such a fantastic resource.
posted by dejah420 at 11:07 AM on January 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
There were tears. After all, he's little...he just turned 7 and the triops were a bday present. I told him how sorry I was, and that I didn't blame him if he was mad, and that it was ok for him to be sad and angry. He said that he was sad, but that he knew I hadn't done it on purpose. He said "I guess it shows that Moms can make big mistakes too." He's a good kid, he really is.
We fished the triops out, and made an origami coffin for them, so he can "bury" them in our duck pond. (Sort of a viking funeral for triops.)
Following instruction here and on on the groovy mytriops page linked by bettafish, we're going to dry out the tank, create some detritus from our pond, and hope that there are eggs in the bottom of the tank. (As well as the eggs I've ordered.) The mytriops page gave some good instructions on breeding and tanks and recipes, so we're going to visit the pet store for a better tank for the next brood.
Thanks so much for all your stories, and your support. This is why askme is such a fantastic resource.
posted by dejah420 at 11:07 AM on January 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
Sounds like you're raising a good egg, dejah.
Er, no pun intended.
posted by bettafish at 2:22 PM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Er, no pun intended.
posted by bettafish at 2:22 PM on January 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back, you did well.
posted by Taurid at 9:35 PM on January 3, 2010
posted by Taurid at 9:35 PM on January 3, 2010
Im so sorry he was saddened by their passing :( But they really do not live that long anyway. And they're really sensitive to water quality. We only ever used bottled spring water to grow them.
I was going to suggest maybe you could turn it into a project on fossils, like how fossils form? You and he could research it, bury them in silt, and then make a display on how fossils form and that if he comes back in, "a few million years," his triops will be fossils too!
But if hes sad then perhaps he wouldn't see the humor/educational value in that. ;)
posted by CTORourke at 11:23 AM on January 5, 2010
I was going to suggest maybe you could turn it into a project on fossils, like how fossils form? You and he could research it, bury them in silt, and then make a display on how fossils form and that if he comes back in, "a few million years," his triops will be fossils too!
But if hes sad then perhaps he wouldn't see the humor/educational value in that. ;)
posted by CTORourke at 11:23 AM on January 5, 2010
He said that he was sad, but that he knew I hadn't done it on purpose. He said "I guess it shows that Moms can make big mistakes too."
Okay, this made me choke up from the sheer "what a great kid" factor.
The Viking-funeral detail is also awesome.
Sounds like it all went well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:50 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, this made me choke up from the sheer "what a great kid" factor.
The Viking-funeral detail is also awesome.
Sounds like it all went well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:50 AM on January 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
What a great kid you've raised. Good job. :)
posted by mingodingo at 2:48 PM on January 21, 2010
posted by mingodingo at 2:48 PM on January 21, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mecran01 at 9:15 PM on January 2, 2010