I am completely lost.
December 28, 2009 4:01 PM Subscribe
My emotional life is in complete disarray. Help! (Very long.)
My life is in disarray. I'm 24 years old and am two and a half years out of college. I was fortunate enough to do well in school and snag a "good" job. I hate where I work (large accounting firm). I've been looking for a new job since I joined. I've had a few interviews but nothing that panned out.
I went to school a few states over. College was a blast and I made some great friendships. Afterwords I graduated and moved home, where I have no friends. Two years later, I still live with my parents. I'd like to move out but I'm subconsciously and consciously resistant to moving to the city when I'm going to be all alone. Yet at the same time I can't meet anyone because I work and then commute back to the suburbs.
I'm in a relationship with a girl that I've been dating for two years. We met through OK Cupid. The relationship has gone stale, maybe. The whole thing is a mess. We're great friends and we have fun together when we hang out. But I think our personality differences may be incompatible in the long run. I love books, keeping up on current events, researching new music, etc.; she loves watching TV and most of my jokes go over her head. Further, whereas she used to live in the city in which I work, she had to move back in with her parents a state over due to job issues, so now we live about two and half hours apart and see each other on weekends if we're lucky. Writing these things out, they read slightly trivial to me, as I am sure they do to you. Regardless, I know it's probably better if we break up but I can't do it. After we saw 500 Days of Summer she remarked to me that she thought that it was like she were the guy and I were the girl. (If you've seen the movie you'll understand the reference; otherwise, it's not important.)
I just feel so restless. I want to quit my job, sever the few personal ties I have, and just travel, or something. My dream job is having a passive source of income. My current job has allowed me to understand real estate valuation and investing fairly well and living at home has allowed me to amass a fairly large chunk of change for someone my age (i.e. greater than $50,000) but which as far as investments go is still a relatively paltry sum.
I know that this is all extremely childish. I know I'm on the wrong track in life but I don't even know what the right track would look like. I feel so completely lost. I've never felt "normal." I've always had trouble relating to people and making friends. I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" and often think that I'll end up old and alone. Often I suffer from suicidal ideation. Generally I think I do a good job of masking these thoughts and feelings from others.
People I know are starting to get married, have kids, etc. This is so far beyond where I am emotionally. Maybe I'm depressed. My parents speculate as much, sometimes. At the very least I feel like my personality demonstrates the characteristics that one would associate with the notion of being bipolar (do people still call it that?). I believe my brother also may be bipolar, although I am not positive. He's seen a number of therapists and has received a number of drugs for anxiety, ADHD, and other issues but my parents have tried to keep things generally opaque.
Given all this, what do I need to do to get my life on track? What are your thoughts? I anticipate some may suggest that I see a therapist. I already tried seeing one and am mostly opposed to seeing any others. I don't think a therapist is going to be helpful and I won't be able to commit to something in which I don't see value. I realize that I have given you a mouthful. Your thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.
My life is in disarray. I'm 24 years old and am two and a half years out of college. I was fortunate enough to do well in school and snag a "good" job. I hate where I work (large accounting firm). I've been looking for a new job since I joined. I've had a few interviews but nothing that panned out.
I went to school a few states over. College was a blast and I made some great friendships. Afterwords I graduated and moved home, where I have no friends. Two years later, I still live with my parents. I'd like to move out but I'm subconsciously and consciously resistant to moving to the city when I'm going to be all alone. Yet at the same time I can't meet anyone because I work and then commute back to the suburbs.
I'm in a relationship with a girl that I've been dating for two years. We met through OK Cupid. The relationship has gone stale, maybe. The whole thing is a mess. We're great friends and we have fun together when we hang out. But I think our personality differences may be incompatible in the long run. I love books, keeping up on current events, researching new music, etc.; she loves watching TV and most of my jokes go over her head. Further, whereas she used to live in the city in which I work, she had to move back in with her parents a state over due to job issues, so now we live about two and half hours apart and see each other on weekends if we're lucky. Writing these things out, they read slightly trivial to me, as I am sure they do to you. Regardless, I know it's probably better if we break up but I can't do it. After we saw 500 Days of Summer she remarked to me that she thought that it was like she were the guy and I were the girl. (If you've seen the movie you'll understand the reference; otherwise, it's not important.)
I just feel so restless. I want to quit my job, sever the few personal ties I have, and just travel, or something. My dream job is having a passive source of income. My current job has allowed me to understand real estate valuation and investing fairly well and living at home has allowed me to amass a fairly large chunk of change for someone my age (i.e. greater than $50,000) but which as far as investments go is still a relatively paltry sum.
I know that this is all extremely childish. I know I'm on the wrong track in life but I don't even know what the right track would look like. I feel so completely lost. I've never felt "normal." I've always had trouble relating to people and making friends. I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" and often think that I'll end up old and alone. Often I suffer from suicidal ideation. Generally I think I do a good job of masking these thoughts and feelings from others.
People I know are starting to get married, have kids, etc. This is so far beyond where I am emotionally. Maybe I'm depressed. My parents speculate as much, sometimes. At the very least I feel like my personality demonstrates the characteristics that one would associate with the notion of being bipolar (do people still call it that?). I believe my brother also may be bipolar, although I am not positive. He's seen a number of therapists and has received a number of drugs for anxiety, ADHD, and other issues but my parents have tried to keep things generally opaque.
Given all this, what do I need to do to get my life on track? What are your thoughts? I anticipate some may suggest that I see a therapist. I already tried seeing one and am mostly opposed to seeing any others. I don't think a therapist is going to be helpful and I won't be able to commit to something in which I don't see value. I realize that I have given you a mouthful. Your thoughts appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Pretty much every comment below will say the same thing as the first one. Just go with that.
posted by sageleaf at 4:07 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by sageleaf at 4:07 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Most of this sounds like the normal sort of post-college confusion people post about on AskMe, but this paragraph:
"I feel so completely lost. I've never felt "normal." I've always had trouble relating to people and making friends. I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" and often think that I'll end up old and alone. Often I suffer from suicidal ideation. Generally I think I do a good job of masking these thoughts and feelings from others."
makes me think you should reconsider the therapist idea. If you've been depressed for a long time, you might not realize how depressed you really are, and how much it would change your life if you actually took care of the problem. I know you say you're opposed to therapy, but you clearly have the money for it, and there are just about as many different kinds of therapy as there are therapists. If you want to get your life on track, finding the right kind of therapy might be worth the investment of time, money, and effort.
posted by MadamM at 4:10 PM on December 28, 2009
"I feel so completely lost. I've never felt "normal." I've always had trouble relating to people and making friends. I don't feel like I'll ever be "normal" and often think that I'll end up old and alone. Often I suffer from suicidal ideation. Generally I think I do a good job of masking these thoughts and feelings from others."
makes me think you should reconsider the therapist idea. If you've been depressed for a long time, you might not realize how depressed you really are, and how much it would change your life if you actually took care of the problem. I know you say you're opposed to therapy, but you clearly have the money for it, and there are just about as many different kinds of therapy as there are therapists. If you want to get your life on track, finding the right kind of therapy might be worth the investment of time, money, and effort.
posted by MadamM at 4:10 PM on December 28, 2009
You need to move out of your parents' house PRONTO. You have the cash!
Yes, yes, yes. Move out immediately. Do not hesitate. Pick a month to move and set a date. Don't even worry on it, just do it.
posted by OrangeSoda at 4:12 PM on December 28, 2009
Yes, yes, yes. Move out immediately. Do not hesitate. Pick a month to move and set a date. Don't even worry on it, just do it.
posted by OrangeSoda at 4:12 PM on December 28, 2009
You are young and financially stable. Sounds like you have no debt. So, get planning. Tax time is coming, so immediate time off is unlikely, but plan a road trip to begin May 1. Take a month, see lots of the US. National Parks, Las Vegas, and any site between the coasts that interests you. When you get back, decide whether to keep the job and how yo ufeel about the gf. In the meantime, consider a sublet. You're stale, mildly depressed, and you need to not live with Mom & Dad.
posted by theora55 at 4:16 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 4:16 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Go read The 4-Hour Work Week and see if it inspires you any. You are in an extremely good position to execute some or all of the ideas there, and if nothing else you might find it sparks your creativity to consider your options in a less negative light.
Getting unstuck, as TPS said, is definitely the thing that you need.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:18 PM on December 28, 2009
Getting unstuck, as TPS said, is definitely the thing that you need.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:18 PM on December 28, 2009
I'd like to show you a few of your sentences, together.
Often I suffer from suicidal ideation.
Maybe I'm depressed. My parents speculate as much, sometimes.
I don't think a therapist is going to be helpful...
I agree with The PinkSuperhero, but in addition I think you need to talk to someone about depression. This can be a therapist for talk therapy, or a physician for depression medication, or both -- but nobody should have to live with thoughts of suicide.
posted by Houstonian at 4:19 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Often I suffer from suicidal ideation.
Maybe I'm depressed. My parents speculate as much, sometimes.
I don't think a therapist is going to be helpful...
I agree with The PinkSuperhero, but in addition I think you need to talk to someone about depression. This can be a therapist for talk therapy, or a physician for depression medication, or both -- but nobody should have to live with thoughts of suicide.
posted by Houstonian at 4:19 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
First of all, I think this is very common at 24. Hell, it's very common at 28, 30, 32, and so on. Basically, until you truly find your place in the world, these issues will arise now and again. Hopefully, knowing that this is a common experience, will help.
When you talk about your girlfriend, it sounds like she is a good friend, but not a potential life partner. There is a lack of passion and enthusiasm in your comments about her. It may be time to step away from this relationship, and see what may evolve in its place. That doesn't mean you won't end up together, but it sounds like you won't end up together right now.
Your dream job is, "having a passive source of income." Well, join the club. We would all probably like to stumble upon some profitable but passive income source, but unless you have a very old, very rich uncle who adores you, this is incredibly unlikely. What do you enjoy doing? Is there a way to take that interest and match it to a profession that will provide you with a living wage?
I'm wondering why you are so strongly opposed to seeing another therapist. Basically, a therapist is someone who has no personal investment in your choices, who can help you objectively assess your behavior in daily life in relationship to big issues or small. They are someone to bounce ideas off of, and someone who can provide you with some tools to know yourself better and help you grow. A successful therapeutic relationship relies on the very abstract notions of personality and chemistry. It can take quite a few attempts before finding the right person. I would urge you to reconsider this position because it sounds like talking things out with an objective third-party might be immensely helfpful right now. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 4:21 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
When you talk about your girlfriend, it sounds like she is a good friend, but not a potential life partner. There is a lack of passion and enthusiasm in your comments about her. It may be time to step away from this relationship, and see what may evolve in its place. That doesn't mean you won't end up together, but it sounds like you won't end up together right now.
Your dream job is, "having a passive source of income." Well, join the club. We would all probably like to stumble upon some profitable but passive income source, but unless you have a very old, very rich uncle who adores you, this is incredibly unlikely. What do you enjoy doing? Is there a way to take that interest and match it to a profession that will provide you with a living wage?
I'm wondering why you are so strongly opposed to seeing another therapist. Basically, a therapist is someone who has no personal investment in your choices, who can help you objectively assess your behavior in daily life in relationship to big issues or small. They are someone to bounce ideas off of, and someone who can provide you with some tools to know yourself better and help you grow. A successful therapeutic relationship relies on the very abstract notions of personality and chemistry. It can take quite a few attempts before finding the right person. I would urge you to reconsider this position because it sounds like talking things out with an objective third-party might be immensely helfpful right now. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 4:21 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your brother possibly has bipolar disorder and you sometimes have suicidal ideation. There's an excellent chance that you are, at the very least, suffering from a depressive disorder. It's not normal to think about killing yourself with any regularity.
I agree with what other people have said about moving to the city. I think you'd enjoy it, once you got past the fear of being alone. BUT -- I also think you should see someone about the depression. Being depressed can rob you of your motivation to make positive changes in your life. See a doctor just to be sure this isn't what's happening to you.
posted by rhartong at 4:21 PM on December 28, 2009
I agree with what other people have said about moving to the city. I think you'd enjoy it, once you got past the fear of being alone. BUT -- I also think you should see someone about the depression. Being depressed can rob you of your motivation to make positive changes in your life. See a doctor just to be sure this isn't what's happening to you.
posted by rhartong at 4:21 PM on December 28, 2009
You should do what a friend of mine did. Break up with the girl, quit your job, travel around the country living in random cities for a year, then figure out what you want to do. Therapy is nice and all, but if all you did was grow up someplace, party in a town in college, then move back to where you grew up, you probably don't even know enough about yourself and your life to be able to pick a direction at random. Some people are born with a sense of what they want to do, but it's not common, and there's nothing wrong with not knowing until you try a bunch of things.
The truth is I really doubt that anyone having kids and settling down at 24 is happy; they probably just don't know what to do with themselves. Very few early marriages last past 5 years. I'm not saying everyone else is living a lie (almost certainly untrue), just that few people, even those that seem like they have it figured out, actually have it figured out.
posted by shownomercy at 4:37 PM on December 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
The truth is I really doubt that anyone having kids and settling down at 24 is happy; they probably just don't know what to do with themselves. Very few early marriages last past 5 years. I'm not saying everyone else is living a lie (almost certainly untrue), just that few people, even those that seem like they have it figured out, actually have it figured out.
posted by shownomercy at 4:37 PM on December 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
Very few of us feel that we are "normal." What the hell is normal anyway? I am 20 years older than you, and I still don't believe I'm normal. Also, almost everyone is afraid of being alone. So what?
You are young. Save up some money, move into an apartment of your own, or better yet go for a long trip or join the Peace Corps, tell your GF you need a break, and go off into the world. You need to learn what gives you peace, and put it in your life. By the bucket.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:54 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
You are young. Save up some money, move into an apartment of your own, or better yet go for a long trip or join the Peace Corps, tell your GF you need a break, and go off into the world. You need to learn what gives you peace, and put it in your life. By the bucket.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:54 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
holy motherfucking shit. you're my age and you have fifty grand. assuming it's liquid that's a big chunk of money to play with. my advice to you is to use some of that money to go on vacation someplace cool and then get over yourself and find a therapist to talk to about the suicidal ideation thing.
it seems from your post that you are not driven to do any particular thing. you might want to also spend some space thinking about what it is you may desire to do.
posted by beefetish at 5:11 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
it seems from your post that you are not driven to do any particular thing. you might want to also spend some space thinking about what it is you may desire to do.
posted by beefetish at 5:11 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Dismissing the idea of therapy after one bad experience is like dismissing an entire genre of music based on your opinion of a single album.
posted by hermitosis at 5:14 PM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 5:14 PM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
what beefetish said.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 5:16 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 5:16 PM on December 28, 2009
I am the happiest, most mentally stable person I know, and I love my parents, but if I still lived at home, I'd have killed myself already.
You have fifty thousand fucking dollars. Move out. Get expensive, awesome therapists and psychiatrists. These two actions will change your life for the better. I promise.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:22 PM on December 28, 2009 [4 favorites]
You have fifty thousand fucking dollars. Move out. Get expensive, awesome therapists and psychiatrists. These two actions will change your life for the better. I promise.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:22 PM on December 28, 2009 [4 favorites]
I am the happiest, most mentally stable person I know, and I love my parents, but if I still lived at home, I'd have killed myself already.
Ditto this statement. It doesn't matter how wonderful and loving your parents are... there comes a time in a young person's life when they need to move out and move on. You will feel ten thousand times better if you do this. Promise.
Taking care of yourself and being on your own is great.
posted by OrangeSoda at 5:31 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ditto this statement. It doesn't matter how wonderful and loving your parents are... there comes a time in a young person's life when they need to move out and move on. You will feel ten thousand times better if you do this. Promise.
Taking care of yourself and being on your own is great.
posted by OrangeSoda at 5:31 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm 23, still live at home, but I don't have $50k (the other way around, actually), and I can say for a fact that part of why I feel as you do is because I live at home. I don't have a job currently, and am about 9 classes shy of a degree.
If I were you, I'd ditch the girl pronto, and go see the world. Literally. Ride a motorcycle through Europe, hit a nude beach in Italy, get wasted in Dublin, have a good time in Amsterdam.
You are completely enabled as a person. The only thing stopping you is a fear of change.
posted by irishcoffee at 5:31 PM on December 28, 2009
If I were you, I'd ditch the girl pronto, and go see the world. Literally. Ride a motorcycle through Europe, hit a nude beach in Italy, get wasted in Dublin, have a good time in Amsterdam.
You are completely enabled as a person. The only thing stopping you is a fear of change.
posted by irishcoffee at 5:31 PM on December 28, 2009
holy motherfucking shit. you're my age and you have fifty grand. assuming it's liquid that's a big chunk of money to play with. my advice to you is to use some of that money to go on vacation someplace cool and then get over yourself and find a therapist to talk to about the suicidal ideation thing.
Having thoughts of suicide is a serious thing. It's a littler bigger than "lol get over yourself" or needing to move out of your folks' house. Go talk to a therapist before you do anything radical. If you hate him, fine, try another therapist. And if there really is a history of mental illness in the family, talk to your folks about it. They really owe it to you to be up front about that, since it affects your life in a big way.
(Depression runs in my family, and it would have made a HUGE difference to me if my folks had ever sat me down and explained it to me. Eventually I saw the Zoloft bottles and did the math about why I felt shitty for no reason, but I really wish they had come to me.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:43 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Having thoughts of suicide is a serious thing. It's a littler bigger than "lol get over yourself" or needing to move out of your folks' house. Go talk to a therapist before you do anything radical. If you hate him, fine, try another therapist. And if there really is a history of mental illness in the family, talk to your folks about it. They really owe it to you to be up front about that, since it affects your life in a big way.
(Depression runs in my family, and it would have made a HUGE difference to me if my folks had ever sat me down and explained it to me. Eventually I saw the Zoloft bottles and did the math about why I felt shitty for no reason, but I really wish they had come to me.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:43 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
(I hope that didn't sound too negative. I was trying to say that finding out what health problems you may have is the first, and most important, step to getting better. If you are depressed, and all signs point to this being true, you are not going to magically get over it by moving or taking a trip. But there are things you can do to feel better.)
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:46 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:46 PM on December 28, 2009
Don't blow all your savings on an adrenaline bonanza. Invest. Invest. Invest. And then, when you're old and all that money has compounded in interest big time so you can retire early and really do a whole lot more. But even if you went and spent all your money I don't know if you would be that much happier after wards. I know it's cliche, but try some volunteer work, it seriously helps maintain my sanity about the world sometimes. Group work like habitat for humanity is a possibility. You can try also a small trip, adventure, spend time with old friends and catch up. Road trip?
posted by proficiency101 at 7:24 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by proficiency101 at 7:24 PM on December 28, 2009
drjimmy - the advice to get over oneself was re: OP's dismissal of therapy as useful, exactly because suicidal ideation + family mental health history = srs bsnss. but yes.
posted by beefetish at 7:26 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by beefetish at 7:26 PM on December 28, 2009
My first, quick take: You're young. Go out into the world and do it now. The unease, the restlessness, the anxiety: that's your better self longing for life. Go and discover it. Take some of your savings and travel cheap for a few months. See the world. You'll never be in a better situation-- no mortgage, no marriage, a career that won't suffer if you take six months off. I'm facing down my 51st birthday, and I can tell you that I had absolutely no regrets about putting off University until I was 22 while I travelled (Europe and the Middle East) and lived and worked in a different province. Life is for living; go and live it.
posted by jokeefe at 7:31 PM on December 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by jokeefe at 7:31 PM on December 28, 2009 [3 favorites]
Again, this: "I just feel so restless. I want to quit my job, sever the few personal ties I have, and just travel, or something." makes me think that you want to quit your job and travel. Why don't you? You might find very quickly that your depression and frustration are situational rather than inherent; and you don't want to sit around at home until you can't tell the difference anymore.
posted by jokeefe at 7:34 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by jokeefe at 7:34 PM on December 28, 2009
The only thing stopping you is a fear of change.
This bears repeating. It sounds like you have not taken any significant detours down roads that don't have 6-foot ruts from all the wagon wheels that have been there before you. College? Check. Girlfriend? Check. High-paying job? Check. These can certainly be good things, but only if you're doing them because it's what you really want in life, or at least because you know it's what is best for you in the big picture. Neither appears to be the case here.
Take $10000 of those $50000, travel, then get a place in the city (or in the country, or in the suburbs, or under a bridge, but not with your parents!). You will still have enough padding to look for a job and an enormous wad of savings for someone your age.
Seriously, have some fun! Be young!
posted by nosila at 7:51 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
This bears repeating. It sounds like you have not taken any significant detours down roads that don't have 6-foot ruts from all the wagon wheels that have been there before you. College? Check. Girlfriend? Check. High-paying job? Check. These can certainly be good things, but only if you're doing them because it's what you really want in life, or at least because you know it's what is best for you in the big picture. Neither appears to be the case here.
Take $10000 of those $50000, travel, then get a place in the city (or in the country, or in the suburbs, or under a bridge, but not with your parents!). You will still have enough padding to look for a job and an enormous wad of savings for someone your age.
Seriously, have some fun! Be young!
posted by nosila at 7:51 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Definitely travel. I have found that getting some distance from my cares and worries is always a good thing in terms of mental health. Take some time and plan it well, figure out where you want to go, and then go there. You're young and you can afford it - later on in life you may not have the time, so you should go now.
posted by number9dream at 9:25 PM on December 28, 2009
posted by number9dream at 9:25 PM on December 28, 2009
Response by poster: Go. Go go go go go. Travel. Explore. Buy a motorcycle, learn to ride it, and drive off. I'm your age. I know your fears. We're taught we get the degree, then the good job, then the relationship, then the marriage, then the kids, maybe some fun in between. We are not taught to take chances. We're taught to fear taking chances. What we don't realize is that at this age, when we have so few responsibilities, so few ties, so much time to make up for any mistakes, this is exactly the time to take chances. And with fifty grand under your belt? Even better!
I bounced in and out of university since 2003. It was clear to everyone around me that I should not be in college. But I felt I was supposed to finish, so I kept banging my head against the door and repeating cycles of demotivation and procrastination and self-pity. During the times I wasn't in college I worked full-time, I did AmeriCorps, but only because I thought it would inspire me to go back. I couldn't not finish college, how could I not get a degree?
Well, this past June I finally decided to give the cycle up. I'd been passionate about weightlifting for almost a year. I wanted to shake up my life. I packed my life up and moved a few states over to lift at a gym with a top coach and just focus my life around lifting. I took the first job I could and have been lifting and working ever since. Pretty much everyone around me thought I was shit-crazy. I thought I was shit-crazy. Give up an education at one of the best schools in the country to go play with barbells? Go off the Route?
Yet man, life has never been better! Sure, there were and are potholes. Life ain't all roses--of course, it wasn't when I was still bouncing in and out of univeristy, either. The difference is that now, for the first time, I feel totally in control of who I am and where I'm going. I've realized that I can just pack up and leave and it won't lead towards heroin addiction and dying in a ditch, life might be a bit tougher but I can persevere and push on through. The self-confidence, the sense of freedom is indescribable.
Do it, man. You won't die. You'll be so much happier for it. Quit your job, grab ahold of that crazy dream, and run with it. If you lose your money, you'll build it back up. If you lose your job, you can eventually find another one. There will be other girls. Trust in yourself, trust in your ability to find your own way through life. Stop sitting in your unsatisfying job and unsatisfying living situation and unsatisfying relationship because you're too afraid to do anything else. Stop being scared, and start living.
posted by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on December 28, 2009
I bounced in and out of university since 2003. It was clear to everyone around me that I should not be in college. But I felt I was supposed to finish, so I kept banging my head against the door and repeating cycles of demotivation and procrastination and self-pity. During the times I wasn't in college I worked full-time, I did AmeriCorps, but only because I thought it would inspire me to go back. I couldn't not finish college, how could I not get a degree?
Well, this past June I finally decided to give the cycle up. I'd been passionate about weightlifting for almost a year. I wanted to shake up my life. I packed my life up and moved a few states over to lift at a gym with a top coach and just focus my life around lifting. I took the first job I could and have been lifting and working ever since. Pretty much everyone around me thought I was shit-crazy. I thought I was shit-crazy. Give up an education at one of the best schools in the country to go play with barbells? Go off the Route?
Yet man, life has never been better! Sure, there were and are potholes. Life ain't all roses--of course, it wasn't when I was still bouncing in and out of univeristy, either. The difference is that now, for the first time, I feel totally in control of who I am and where I'm going. I've realized that I can just pack up and leave and it won't lead towards heroin addiction and dying in a ditch, life might be a bit tougher but I can persevere and push on through. The self-confidence, the sense of freedom is indescribable.
Do it, man. You won't die. You'll be so much happier for it. Quit your job, grab ahold of that crazy dream, and run with it. If you lose your money, you'll build it back up. If you lose your job, you can eventually find another one. There will be other girls. Trust in yourself, trust in your ability to find your own way through life. Stop sitting in your unsatisfying job and unsatisfying living situation and unsatisfying relationship because you're too afraid to do anything else. Stop being scared, and start living.
posted by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on December 28, 2009
Get the HELL out of your parents' place. Nothing wrong with living with your parents for a while (I sure did) but it prevents you from moving on in life. I'm afraid you'll have to lose the girl, she's nice but you're going to be changing soon. Move right into the middle of the city. Get an apartment that costs a grand a month and take your time decorating. You'll meet people and do things. Keep a therapist in mind but I have a feeling that it's your environment that's doing you in.
But take $30-$40,000 and put it in some safe investment with a microscopic return. It's easy to spend money if you have it, once you start.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:48 PM on December 28, 2009
But take $30-$40,000 and put it in some safe investment with a microscopic return. It's easy to spend money if you have it, once you start.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:48 PM on December 28, 2009
To the people suggesting blowing a big chunk of change, do you understand what bipolar is? Travel is not a known cure for the serious mental illness that bipolar is. Furthermore, for a bipolar person (if indeed you are, anonymous), going on a spending spree is not the lark that it might be for someone without this disorder; for a bipolar person, it's far more likely to end really, really badly. Please know what you're talking about or let someone else answer the question.
Anon, I've suffered from bipolar (II) for decades, since far younger than you. I too was living with the parental units at that age and oh dear god was it not emotionally beneficial. But financially, for me, it was necessary. It's wonderful that you've got the resources to seek greater independence as soon as you're ready for it.
The fact that you have the self-discipline to save that money in the first place and the restraint to not blow it in ways you'd regret terribly, are not especially consistent with bipolar. But it's possible, particularly since the worst financial decisions are more typical during the manic phases of bipolar and you're in severely depressed condition currently. Please talk to a therapist. Talk to as many as it takes to find the one you can let help you. Whether you're bipolar or not is far less important at this moment than that you are apparently in a severe suicidal depression. The pain you're feeling will not go away without medical intervention. Once you've recovered from the depression and whatever might be contributing to it, you're going to be so grateful that you had the wisdom and foresight to build up that big beautiful nest egg and that with the help of therapy you can trust in your judgement on how to use it. That money is going to the launching pad for a wonderful new life of your choosing, whether that be globetrotting, studies, buying a home, starting a business, re-investing it for future days (wedding? kids? retirement?), or anything else you can imagine.
As for the girlfriend: I'd wait to talk it over with the therapist before making a major decision under the clouded judgement of depression, however --
It seems to me that you're just not that into her. Perhaps you both have brighter futures separately.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 10:00 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
Anon, I've suffered from bipolar (II) for decades, since far younger than you. I too was living with the parental units at that age and oh dear god was it not emotionally beneficial. But financially, for me, it was necessary. It's wonderful that you've got the resources to seek greater independence as soon as you're ready for it.
The fact that you have the self-discipline to save that money in the first place and the restraint to not blow it in ways you'd regret terribly, are not especially consistent with bipolar. But it's possible, particularly since the worst financial decisions are more typical during the manic phases of bipolar and you're in severely depressed condition currently. Please talk to a therapist. Talk to as many as it takes to find the one you can let help you. Whether you're bipolar or not is far less important at this moment than that you are apparently in a severe suicidal depression. The pain you're feeling will not go away without medical intervention. Once you've recovered from the depression and whatever might be contributing to it, you're going to be so grateful that you had the wisdom and foresight to build up that big beautiful nest egg and that with the help of therapy you can trust in your judgement on how to use it. That money is going to the launching pad for a wonderful new life of your choosing, whether that be globetrotting, studies, buying a home, starting a business, re-investing it for future days (wedding? kids? retirement?), or anything else you can imagine.
As for the girlfriend: I'd wait to talk it over with the therapist before making a major decision under the clouded judgement of depression, however --
It seems to me that you're just not that into her. Perhaps you both have brighter futures separately.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 10:00 PM on December 28, 2009 [1 favorite]
There are people who, if alerted to my existence, would envy me. At the same age as you, I have a roof over my head (my parents'), a car, a (temp) job, I'm studying for a bachelor's, I have a couple close friends, and yet...
I envy you. I don't have a high paying career, I don't have $50,000 in the bank, I don't have a girlfriend, or the freedom to travel that your money affords you.
You say, yeah, but I'm so lost and depressed, I might as well not have any of those things. Nothing seems right despite everything I have going for me, which is in itself painful. Yeah, that's what depression does. It helps me forget that I am in an enviable position even as I envy you.
I heard someone say once, "Feelings aren't facts." It's true. Depression can make you believe that moving out of your parents' house is going to make you feel lonely, that traveling is not possible right now, that doing anything to push forward will just be a waste of effort. But that's not a fact. What do you have to lose?
You're not doing too bad, and I think you kinda know it. Your life is in disarray? Gimme a break. Your life is in array, as in everything is arrayed for you to move forward, right now. I'm currently in the middle of working a temp job to save money so that I can try to find another job when this one ends so that I can move out of my parents' house. I can't move out tomorrow. I can't plan a trip to Europe and leave two days from now. You could.
This ain't a "people are starving in China" kind of thing. There are plenty of people who are in your position who have graduated from college (the mere fact of which I am envious) but can't find work and are feeling the pressure of unpaid student loans. You don't have to worry about that.
What you have to worry about, right now, is moving forward, and getting better. Don't kid yourself; you're depressed. (This isn't a medical diagnosis, just a layman's perspective... go get checked out by a professional, though!) You are in thrall to some nasty cognitive distortions. Shop around, see some therapists until you find one you can work with. It might take you two or three. But this thing ain't going to get better by itself.
Alternatively, move out of your parents' house. You might be feeling trapped by the narrow role your parents have cast you into. I take depression very seriously, and yet I still think that if you just took a leap of faith, you're young enough, with enough options and resources, to be alright. Still I would suggest going to a therapist, and then taking action to move forward, whether it's moving out of your parents' house, investing, travel, pursuing your career, or dealing with your relationship.
I have seen so many questions here on AskMe that go something like yours, but there are always mitigating circumstances... either it's someone whose depression has laid ruin to their academic or professional career, someone who's nearing 30 without as much as a kiss from the opposite sex, someone who's got DUI or other legal trouble, or even things like crippling procrastination, sexual dysfunction or existential angst. What I'm trying to say is that barring the possibility that there's something you're not telling us, I've never seen someone post a question like this who has had so many options.
That's a good thing! You have the tools, RIGHT NOW, to make the call tomorrow that makes you better.
By the way, I totally second the people who say that an extended vacation might be what you need to get out of your toxic headspace. It's true, try it before you knock it. Also, I want to second Houstonian in saying that no one should have to live with suicidal ideation. You can get away from that! Seriously! Good luck.
posted by malapropist at 10:32 PM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
I envy you. I don't have a high paying career, I don't have $50,000 in the bank, I don't have a girlfriend, or the freedom to travel that your money affords you.
You say, yeah, but I'm so lost and depressed, I might as well not have any of those things. Nothing seems right despite everything I have going for me, which is in itself painful. Yeah, that's what depression does. It helps me forget that I am in an enviable position even as I envy you.
I heard someone say once, "Feelings aren't facts." It's true. Depression can make you believe that moving out of your parents' house is going to make you feel lonely, that traveling is not possible right now, that doing anything to push forward will just be a waste of effort. But that's not a fact. What do you have to lose?
You're not doing too bad, and I think you kinda know it. Your life is in disarray? Gimme a break. Your life is in array, as in everything is arrayed for you to move forward, right now. I'm currently in the middle of working a temp job to save money so that I can try to find another job when this one ends so that I can move out of my parents' house. I can't move out tomorrow. I can't plan a trip to Europe and leave two days from now. You could.
This ain't a "people are starving in China" kind of thing. There are plenty of people who are in your position who have graduated from college (the mere fact of which I am envious) but can't find work and are feeling the pressure of unpaid student loans. You don't have to worry about that.
What you have to worry about, right now, is moving forward, and getting better. Don't kid yourself; you're depressed. (This isn't a medical diagnosis, just a layman's perspective... go get checked out by a professional, though!) You are in thrall to some nasty cognitive distortions. Shop around, see some therapists until you find one you can work with. It might take you two or three. But this thing ain't going to get better by itself.
Alternatively, move out of your parents' house. You might be feeling trapped by the narrow role your parents have cast you into. I take depression very seriously, and yet I still think that if you just took a leap of faith, you're young enough, with enough options and resources, to be alright. Still I would suggest going to a therapist, and then taking action to move forward, whether it's moving out of your parents' house, investing, travel, pursuing your career, or dealing with your relationship.
I have seen so many questions here on AskMe that go something like yours, but there are always mitigating circumstances... either it's someone whose depression has laid ruin to their academic or professional career, someone who's nearing 30 without as much as a kiss from the opposite sex, someone who's got DUI or other legal trouble, or even things like crippling procrastination, sexual dysfunction or existential angst. What I'm trying to say is that barring the possibility that there's something you're not telling us, I've never seen someone post a question like this who has had so many options.
That's a good thing! You have the tools, RIGHT NOW, to make the call tomorrow that makes you better.
By the way, I totally second the people who say that an extended vacation might be what you need to get out of your toxic headspace. It's true, try it before you knock it. Also, I want to second Houstonian in saying that no one should have to live with suicidal ideation. You can get away from that! Seriously! Good luck.
posted by malapropist at 10:32 PM on December 28, 2009 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to add this: Don't compare yourself to others. Just don't. So what if your friends are all married and sprouting babies? You don't have to measure yourself against that. You succeed on your own terms. If you wait another 10 or 20 years to get married and "settle down", or you just live life as a bachelor, there's nothing wrong with these choices. Nor is there anything wrong with a career change or some travel.
I will also add my approval to the "Move out + Therapist" strategy. It's your path back on track.
posted by Citrus at 10:06 AM on December 29, 2009
I will also add my approval to the "Move out + Therapist" strategy. It's your path back on track.
posted by Citrus at 10:06 AM on December 29, 2009
Try therapy... Even if it feels like bullshit at first.
If you find a therapist you can tolerate, it can really work miracles.
My too-detailed personal account of this:
When I was super depressed after college, I visited 3 therapists.
After visiting the 1st one, my reaction was "meh." It was fine talking to someone, but not worth paying them for it. Also she was a Freudian, which is bullshit (hey, I was a Psych minor, so I felt comfortable saying that).
The next 2 were just plain useless, and I didn't feel like they actually listened to me at all before drawing conclusions.
I went back to the 1st one, figuring "guess I'll give her one more shot."
She then proceeded to fix my entire life.
I know that sounds like an crazy impossibility, but my situation was pretty similar to yours, and therapy was definitely what got me through my rough patch. I'm now no longer in therapy (five years now) and still doing great.
As for what the process itself was like, I basically just talked to her about the things that were getting me down. She'd listen, ask questions, and offer suggestions. Every time she'd try to relate what I was saying to something Freudian, I said (politely) "I'm pretty sure that's not it at all, but that other thing you said was interesting..." She was cool about it, and never pulled the "ImaDoctor" card.
So yeah, anyway, try a therapist, especially if you have a history of mental illness in your family. Don't convince yourself that you're "too smart" for therapy either, because that's not what it's about. Just think of the therapist as someone who's listened to your problem a thousand times, so they've got some experience in the matter.
posted by ®@ at 11:18 AM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you find a therapist you can tolerate, it can really work miracles.
My too-detailed personal account of this:
When I was super depressed after college, I visited 3 therapists.
After visiting the 1st one, my reaction was "meh." It was fine talking to someone, but not worth paying them for it. Also she was a Freudian, which is bullshit (hey, I was a Psych minor, so I felt comfortable saying that).
The next 2 were just plain useless, and I didn't feel like they actually listened to me at all before drawing conclusions.
I went back to the 1st one, figuring "guess I'll give her one more shot."
She then proceeded to fix my entire life.
I know that sounds like an crazy impossibility, but my situation was pretty similar to yours, and therapy was definitely what got me through my rough patch. I'm now no longer in therapy (five years now) and still doing great.
As for what the process itself was like, I basically just talked to her about the things that were getting me down. She'd listen, ask questions, and offer suggestions. Every time she'd try to relate what I was saying to something Freudian, I said (politely) "I'm pretty sure that's not it at all, but that other thing you said was interesting..." She was cool about it, and never pulled the "ImaDoctor" card.
So yeah, anyway, try a therapist, especially if you have a history of mental illness in your family. Don't convince yourself that you're "too smart" for therapy either, because that's not what it's about. Just think of the therapist as someone who's listened to your problem a thousand times, so they've got some experience in the matter.
posted by ®@ at 11:18 AM on December 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm older than you, have been in therapy for two years now, and it's only been recently that I've been getting some real value out of it because of how much work I'm putting into it.
I was lucky enough to find a therapist I like, but things really didn't start going for me until I started really opening up to him and really talking about the things that I was afraid to talk about a year or two ago. Now, sessions are still a mixed bag, but at least I know why they're a mixed bag.
I agree with TPS when she says that you should definitely move out. Doing that at 25 was one of the most difficult things I've ever done because until then I didn't know how to balance a budget and I relied on my parents for a lot of things that I didn't realize I was relying on them for. I'd also like to echo the person above who said that when you're depressed, it's hard to think of how well you're doing because, hey! you're having a depressive moment. I'm also a huge fan of city living, so go back to it, hmm?
I also agree with most people here who say that you should take this time to travel and if you're as money-anal as I think you are, why not try a road trip across your country (not going to assume U.S.) and couch-surf with MeFites or former college classmates? By god, if I had $50K free and clear right now... well, I'd also do the microinvesting thing, pay off credit card bills, and then I'd totally do a road trip across the country.
Anyway, good luck.
posted by TrishaLynn at 12:30 PM on December 29, 2009
I was lucky enough to find a therapist I like, but things really didn't start going for me until I started really opening up to him and really talking about the things that I was afraid to talk about a year or two ago. Now, sessions are still a mixed bag, but at least I know why they're a mixed bag.
I agree with TPS when she says that you should definitely move out. Doing that at 25 was one of the most difficult things I've ever done because until then I didn't know how to balance a budget and I relied on my parents for a lot of things that I didn't realize I was relying on them for. I'd also like to echo the person above who said that when you're depressed, it's hard to think of how well you're doing because, hey! you're having a depressive moment. I'm also a huge fan of city living, so go back to it, hmm?
I also agree with most people here who say that you should take this time to travel and if you're as money-anal as I think you are, why not try a road trip across your country (not going to assume U.S.) and couch-surf with MeFites or former college classmates? By god, if I had $50K free and clear right now... well, I'd also do the microinvesting thing, pay off credit card bills, and then I'd totally do a road trip across the country.
Anyway, good luck.
posted by TrishaLynn at 12:30 PM on December 29, 2009
I want to give a bit of counter-balance to all the suggestions of "go out and see the world!" "take a road trip across the country!"
This previous comment relates my experiences re traveling in terms of my own depression, but in short:
Traveling can be extremely, extremely lonely. Since you are the sort of person who "love[s] books, keeping up on current events, researching new music, etc," which I also am, this applies triple for you, in my very humble opinion. In my own experience, the people you find while traveling, unless you get lucky, are not the kind of people with whom you can have the experiences you want to have. I saying this on the assumption that "Ride a motorcycle through Europe, hit a nude beach in Italy, get wasted in Dublin, have a good time in Amsterdam" is in fact not at all really what would make you happy.
I did that stuff, and I thought I was supposed to like it, but I didn't. It just totally was not my culture, and it made me even more depressed.
What made me happy was settling down in a big city (Toronto), developing a large network of friends who share my interests (artists, writers, "intellectual"-types), and getting really involved in the local arts community. Which might sound "easier said than done," but if it's the right fit for you, it's not really. I only knew like 3 people in this city 3 years ago (I was 24 then, like you), and since then I've met hundreds and hundreds of people, many of whom I now count among my best friends. It required going out a ton at the beginning, sometimes when I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about it, but eventually you meet people who are closer and closer to who you want to surround yourself with.
Just offering a different perspective from "travel the world and have a blast w/ beer." Settling down in a big city and getting involved in a community was what worked for me.
posted by skwt at 12:38 PM on December 29, 2009 [4 favorites]
This previous comment relates my experiences re traveling in terms of my own depression, but in short:
Traveling can be extremely, extremely lonely. Since you are the sort of person who "love[s] books, keeping up on current events, researching new music, etc," which I also am, this applies triple for you, in my very humble opinion. In my own experience, the people you find while traveling, unless you get lucky, are not the kind of people with whom you can have the experiences you want to have. I saying this on the assumption that "Ride a motorcycle through Europe, hit a nude beach in Italy, get wasted in Dublin, have a good time in Amsterdam" is in fact not at all really what would make you happy.
I did that stuff, and I thought I was supposed to like it, but I didn't. It just totally was not my culture, and it made me even more depressed.
What made me happy was settling down in a big city (Toronto), developing a large network of friends who share my interests (artists, writers, "intellectual"-types), and getting really involved in the local arts community. Which might sound "easier said than done," but if it's the right fit for you, it's not really. I only knew like 3 people in this city 3 years ago (I was 24 then, like you), and since then I've met hundreds and hundreds of people, many of whom I now count among my best friends. It required going out a ton at the beginning, sometimes when I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about it, but eventually you meet people who are closer and closer to who you want to surround yourself with.
Just offering a different perspective from "travel the world and have a blast w/ beer." Settling down in a big city and getting involved in a community was what worked for me.
posted by skwt at 12:38 PM on December 29, 2009 [4 favorites]
Yes, skwt makes an excellent point. I think my answer was coloured by a fair amount of projection, actually, as in a "Oh to be 24 and to have 50K and freedom to travel!" way. I remember a lot of loneliness and uncertainty on the road as well, actually, which have likely dimmed in my memory. The point remains, however, that you need to find a place to be where your needs are being met; home is not that place. Good luck.
posted by jokeefe at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2009
posted by jokeefe at 12:44 PM on December 30, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
You need to move out of your parents' house PRONTO. You have the cash! Find some roommates if you don't want to live alone. Or get a cat. Once you're in the city, you'll have time to go out, meet new people, try new things. It could be the cure you're looking for. You're not going to get unstuck until you move out.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:06 PM on December 28, 2009 [26 favorites]