Creative Coffee Request

November 30, 2009 12:46 PM

What should he order me from Starbucks?

I am in the situation where a friend of mine, with whom I am sometimes at odds, sometimes frustrated with, and sometimes love, is bringing me coffee. I want to make this as humorously difficult as possible. What are some obnoxious qualifiers that I can put on my coffee request? Decaf Royal Mint-Infused Free-Trade Soy Latte with Hamburger. But with ingredients that actually exist and that he'll have to wait for. I'll drink anything.

posted by tacit_urn to food & drink (32 answers total)

This eHow might help.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:47 PM on November 30, 2009

Maybe this would be helpful?
posted by cider at 12:48 PM on November 30, 2009

You could try adding stuff like this:

1 1/2 packets of splenda, specify the barista leave with 3/4 inches of room at the top

Make him order a fat-free drink (that is, made with skim milk), then add whipped cream

Also, see if he'll ask for sugar-free Carmel. If this gets by him, it'll at least make the people at starbucks laugh.
posted by MustardTent at 12:53 PM on November 30, 2009

Some very elaborate ideas in the comments section here.

(Google is your friend)
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:54 PM on November 30, 2009

10 caramel syrup pumps and three shots of espresso.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:57 PM on November 30, 2009

I don't know how why this would be difficult for your friend...wouldn't it just annoy the barista (if the Starbucks is busy?)
posted by thisperon at 12:58 PM on November 30, 2009 [12 favorites]

Whatever you order, be sure it ends with "...and tip the barista exactly 32.15%".
posted by skintension at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [12 favorites]

Forget the coffee. Tell him last time you were in a Starbucks there was this awesome song with this sort of indi groove and the chorus went something like “la la la” and it might have been a woman singer and could he possibly ask the barista if they know what song it was.
posted by bondcliff at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2009 [10 favorites]

Yeah, at the risk of being a party-pooper/non-question-answerer, the real person who's likely to be inconvenienced in this scenario is the barista more so than your friend. Make sure your friend's a good tipper, at least.
posted by scody at 1:02 PM on November 30, 2009 [10 favorites]

My sister's actual daily Starbucks order:

venti 180 degree 2.5 pump chai with soy milk with room at the top

I offer this to you not to copy it, but to realize that you can specify the temperature you want your drink, how many pumps of flavoring, type of milk, etc.
posted by sickinthehead at 1:03 PM on November 30, 2009

The drink which will take the longest time to prepare will be a french press of coffee using just-purchased whole beans. This will require your friend to purchase at least a half-bag of beans, ask them to grind it on the french press setting, and then wait about 10 minutes while the french press is prepared.

"Complicated" drink orders will not be annoying for anyone but the barista, and then only slightly so. It'll just be expensive.

A french press is a normal item that just isn't frequently ordered. It will mean there's a lot of coffee to drink, though. It will be awkward to have them split it into individual cups after it's finished, too.
posted by odinsdream at 1:04 PM on November 30, 2009

Insist that they get it from the Starbucks at the airport.
posted by box at 1:05 PM on November 30, 2009 [7 favorites]

Oh, I will say though that the most annoying thing is to order a drink that is actually one thing, but specify it another way. For instance, you want to end up with a latte, but instead you order a cup with X number of espresso shots with the rest filled with frothed milk. Bonus (dick) points for insisting that, no, you don't want a latte, you just want some espresso with steamed milk, and the "other" starbucks knows what you get.
posted by odinsdream at 1:06 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ordering a tall sugar-free caramel dolce latte with full-fat milk and no whipped cream seem to *really* throw my barista yesterday. I suppose the dichotomy between sugar-free and full-fat is a bit much to wrap one's head around, and I highly recommend this order the next time you need an exercise in frustration.
posted by chez shoes at 1:16 PM on November 30, 2009

Insist that they get it from the Starbucks at the airport.

The one inside security.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:16 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

"Complicated" drink orders will not be annoying for anyone but the barista, and then only slightly so. It'll just be expensive.

The article I linked to in my previous comment quotes the Starbucks CEO as saying:

"Starbucks will not charge for any syrups, milk alternatives and other extras added to drinks, no matter how numerous or complex."
posted by Jaltcoh at 1:20 PM on November 30, 2009

Jaltcoh: Interesting - I wasn't aware of that policy change.
posted by odinsdream at 1:23 PM on November 30, 2009

Here's something you can do with minimal pain for the barista: pretend you can't make up your mind between two fairly straightforward on-the-menu beverages, say, a gingerbread latte or a peppermint mocha. Decide on one. If he has a cell phone, call him after he leaves and change your mind again. When he comes back with your drink, sniff it cautiously and complain that you specifically told him to get the other thing. (If you mess up and the beverage you wanted is the one he got, you can play it off with "no, this can't be X, it smells like Y.")
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:32 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Black coffee. :)

Seriously, the french press route would be your best bet.
posted by ConstantineXVI at 1:55 PM on November 30, 2009

The article I linked to in my previous comment quotes the Starbucks CEO as saying:

"Starbucks will not charge for any syrups, milk alternatives and other extras added to drinks, no matter how numerous or complex."

That policy only applies to Starbucks loyalty card holders, and has been in effect since the loyalty card came out. It does not apply to "regular" customers, who will still be charged per pump, extra shot, or milk substitution.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:03 PM on November 30, 2009

From the movie LA Story:

"I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon."
posted by justkevin at 2:07 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

You understand that the pain your friend will feel is only the pain of having to cause pain to the barista and other people in line, but still: disturb the flow of ordering and making the drink as much as you can.

I say you order an iced grande breve half caf misto red-eye, with a pump of mocha, pump of vanilla, a scoop of vanilla powder, and a Sugar-in-the-raw, with whip cream and caramel, in a vente cup.

Iced means the barista has to deal with ice, breve means they have to grab half & half (often it's in the fridge, sometimes you'll get lucky and it's in the back, rarely is it handy) misto is Starbese for cafe au lait - drip coffee with steamed milk, but it's iced so you are getting milk with iced coffee. So they can't just push the half/caf button, in fact they have to go to a different station (hopefully) to get the iced coffee, from TWO pitchers, caf and decaf. The sugar in the raw, mocha and vanilla syrup are to slow things down, the vanilla powder is a pain in the ass and in a different place. Red eye means they have to go back and throw an espresso shot on top. You are getting a grande in a vente cup because baristas have sense memories (and markings on the sides of the cups) to keep ratios straight and it just throws another slight monkeywrench at them, whip cream and caramel because, again, it takes time and is annoying.

Make sure to get a tray!
posted by dirtdirt at 2:27 PM on November 30, 2009 [7 favorites]

Actually, not vanilla syrup - that one they won't have to look for. Make it almond syrup, which they discontinued a while back, so maybe they'll look for it but not find it and then who knows what they'll bring you! Hazelnut?

ps: Do not drink this drink.
posted by dirtdirt at 2:33 PM on November 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

A venti venti. Twenty ounces of espresso.
posted by twistofrhyme at 2:48 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

My wife manages to order a drink that fills ALL the boxes on the side of the cup with an instruction. I forget the ingredients, but perhaps you could start there -- leave no adjective unused!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:15 PM on November 30, 2009

I'm going to suggest that if you really want to inconvenience your friend and not just the barista, that you make him get things from like 4 different places that serve coffee and have branded condiments. Like tell him: "I want a large coffee from Starbucks, with 2 sugars from Burger King, 2 sugars from McDonalds, 1 packet of honey from Popeyes, etcetcetcetc. Don't open the packages because I like to add them myself."
posted by 23skidoo at 3:32 PM on November 30, 2009

Note: This will only work twice - the second time you try this your friend will stock up on sugars from all the places he can think of.
posted by 23skidoo at 3:37 PM on November 30, 2009

That policy only applies to Starbucks loyalty card holders, and has been in effect since the loyalty card came out. It does not apply to "regular" customers, who will still be charged per pump, extra shot, or milk substitution.

You're right - I stand corrected.
posted by Jaltcoh at 4:20 PM on November 30, 2009

Do they still write your name on the cup, to call out when the order is ready?

Ask him to order a latte with seven extra shots, but ask him to give your name as Decaf Please Check to Make Sure It's Decaf.
posted by surenoproblem at 8:52 PM on November 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Regarding the name, he can explain, "My parents are artists...."
posted by surenoproblem at 8:54 PM on November 30, 2009

Ask him to order you a non-fat frothy-milk mccafe mocha with chocolate drizzle. Maybe he won't realize this is a McDonalds "coffee".
posted by anonymust at 10:43 PM on November 30, 2009

Order a venti brownie chip frappuccino with caramel sauce and extra whip.

Hot.
posted by Darth Fedor at 1:30 PM on December 1, 2009