What are some witty toasts?

January 12, 2005 6:33 PM

I do a bit of drinking, and I'm looking for a new toast. "Panties: Not the best thing in the world, but right next to it." is what my friends use, but it's getting a little old. Any suggestions? (Witty and sublime both appreciated)
posted by absalom to food & drink (105 answers total)

A friend of mine shared this one with me a while ago. It's a bit long and not all-purpose, but I like it.

Here's to the roses and lilies in bloom,
You in my arms and I in your room.
A door that is locked, a key that is lost,
A bird, and a bottle, and a bed badly tossed,
and a night that is fifty years long.
posted by Schismatic at 6:37 PM on January 12, 2005 [2 favorites]

An oldie but a goodie...

"Here's to you and here's to me
The best of friends we'll ever be.
And if we ever disagree,
Well, fuck you and here's to me."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:38 PM on January 12, 2005

I use this one every once in awhile:

"May we never regret this".
posted by interrobang at 6:39 PM on January 12, 2005

What's wrong with "Proust?"

Ahahahahaha.
posted by orange clock at 6:48 PM on January 12, 2005

An old Scottish standby:
Here's tae us,
There's nae like us,
Some's tried,
Their all dead.
posted by RMALCOLM at 6:49 PM on January 12, 2005

'sláinte' is mellifluous, short and to the point. likewise kanpai/gambui, and on preview, yes, prosit.

alternately:
(with apologies to the 'ladies)

I love you more
than I did the week before
I discovered alcohol
posted by dorian at 6:50 PM on January 12, 2005

Wine toasts.
posted by orange clock at 6:50 PM on January 12, 2005

I mean Wine toasts.
posted by orange clock at 6:51 PM on January 12, 2005

RMALCOLM: OH, yeah, I forgot about that one! We use that one sometimes on special occasions. I'm quite a fan of it.
posted by absalom at 6:55 PM on January 12, 2005

"Here's to all the poor people, because without them we'd never look rich." Guffaw! Snort!
posted by riffraff at 7:04 PM on January 12, 2005

"To toast!"
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:05 PM on January 12, 2005

From the Simpsons:

To alchohol: the cause of, and solution to all the world's problems.
posted by O9scar at 7:25 PM on January 12, 2005

May those that love us, love us;
and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts;
if he can't turn there hearts, then may he turn their ankles,
so we'll know them by their limp.
posted by LeiaS at 7:33 PM on January 12, 2005

"To being single, seeing double, and sleeping triple!"
posted by geekyguy at 7:33 PM on January 12, 2005

To our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:33 PM on January 12, 2005

Dubya: "What an impressive crowd: the haves, and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite, I call you my base (friends)."

Works well in snarky liberal circles.
posted by Arch Stanton at 7:48 PM on January 12, 2005

"To toast! Light, with butter and cinnamon!"
posted by spinifex23 at 7:48 PM on January 12, 2005

I heard this given by a best man at a wedding: "May all your ups and downs be between the sheets"
posted by mmascolino at 7:51 PM on January 12, 2005

"May our house always be too small to hold all of our friends."

This favorite is by Yeats:
"Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all that we will know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you and I sigh."

"May you die in bed at the age of ninety-five, shot by a jealous spouse."
posted by Vidiot at 7:57 PM on January 12, 2005

from the Italian:

Aqua fresca,
vino puro.
Figa stretta,
cozzo duro.

It rhymes.
posted by mds35 at 8:04 PM on January 12, 2005

"Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends."
posted by Sinner at 8:09 PM on January 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

My bass player, Andy, usually says, "Cheers, Big Ears"
-klink-
posted by OneOliveShort at 8:11 PM on January 12, 2005

To Honor. Get on her and stay on her.
(have to say it out loud)
posted by bryanzera at 8:13 PM on January 12, 2005

Here's to a family history of alcoholism.
posted by rfordh at 8:18 PM on January 12, 2005

the better version of bryanzera's
to honor! if you can't come in her, come on her!

(say it out loud)
posted by slhack3r at 8:26 PM on January 12, 2005

If those are the type of toasts your friends like, may I suggest:

(and this is especially good at weddings)

Here's to the lady
In the white shoes
She'll take all your money
She'll drink all your booze

She ain't got a cherry,
But that ain't no sin
Since she's still got the box
That the cherry came in.

Or, the one we always used to use:

Drink today and drown all sorrow
You may perhaps not be here tomorrow
Best while you have it, use your breath
There is no drinking after death.
posted by ColdChef at 8:31 PM on January 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

Then you drain the bottle, set down your glass, look deep into your sweetie's eyes and say, "Darling, this may be the wine talking, but I think I'd like another bottle of wine."
posted by mono blanco at 8:32 PM on January 12, 2005

from The Red Green Show:

I'm a man
but I can change
if I have to
I guess.

[Technically it's a prayer, but it would make an okay toast, don't you think?]
posted by mds35 at 8:43 PM on January 12, 2005

L'etat c'est moi
posted by mdpc98 at 8:43 PM on January 12, 2005

To Fighting, Stealing & Killing:
Fighting for what you believe in,
Stealing a young girls heart and
Killing a bottle with your friends.
posted by whybesubtle at 8:45 PM on January 12, 2005

"Gentlemen, start your livers"
posted by growabrain at 8:46 PM on January 12, 2005

A toast that ends, "She ain't got a cherry, but that ain't no sin, since she's still got the box that the cherry came in", good at weddings?! I *highly* doubt it.

And geekyguy, I was going to mention that toast- did you see it on The Real World?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:46 PM on January 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

"May fortune favor the foolish."
posted by inksyndicate at 8:49 PM on January 12, 2005

Show me the way to go home
I'm tired and I want to go to bed
I had a little drink about an hour ago
And it went right to my head
Where ever I may roam
On land or sea or foam
You will always hear me singing this song
Show me the way to go home

ahh, my favorite scene in Jaws.
posted by poopy at 8:53 PM on January 12, 2005

"Real poo for my sham friends and shampoo for my real friends."
posted by 23skidoo at 8:56 PM on January 12, 2005

I have drunk from the cup of life,
from the brim, to the dregs,
but all I ever really wanted,
was what's between your legs.
posted by WolfDaddy at 9:02 PM on January 12, 2005

Come hither, my lads, with your tankards of ale,
And drink to the present before it shall fail;
Pile each on your platter a mountain of beef,
For 'tis eating and drinking that bring us relief:
  So fill up your glass,
  For life will soon pass;
When you're dead ye'll ne'er drink to your king or your lass!
posted by j.edwards at 9:07 PM on January 12, 2005

WOOOOO!
posted by Pockets at 9:13 PM on January 12, 2005 [5 favorites]

I always like to toast to world peace.
posted by krisjohn at 9:19 PM on January 12, 2005

These are great. I love mono blanco's and whybesubtle's and bryanzera's and pretty much all of them.

growabrain: I worked for years until recently as a bartender at a sports bar and often when a regular was being talked into having just one more by another regular they would often say, 'alright, twist my liver' instead of 'twist my arm'.

ThePinkSuperhero: My brother-in-law retired it to me several years ago.

Pockets just made me laugh out loud.
posted by geekyguy at 9:21 PM on January 12, 2005

Here's to the top,
Here's to the middle,
Here's hoping we all get a little.

(raising your glass to the top and middle when called for.)
posted by stovenator at 9:36 PM on January 12, 2005

Wait, are you talking about the "pre-drinking" toast, or the "sing while you're chugging" toast? Cause I got lots of the latter category.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 9:42 PM on January 12, 2005

There are five reasons, I do think
Why 'tis good to have a drink,
Good wine,
A friend,
Or being dry,
Or lest we should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:43 PM on January 12, 2005

From Drinking Song, J. Webley:

A toast to Mary,
A girl I once loved,
Oh Lord, why do things have to die?
If drinking beer,
Could bring her back here,
I'd drink the damn place dry,
Yes, I'd drink the damn place dry!

When the glass is full,
Drink up! Drink up!
This maybe the last time
We see this cup.
If God wanted us sober,
He'd knock the glass over,
So while it is full we drink up!
posted by mwhybark at 9:58 PM on January 12, 2005

I like to toast "To Human Misery!"
posted by Captain_Tenille at 10:00 PM on January 12, 2005 [1 favorite]

It's a lawn chair!

(Say it real fast)
posted by jimfl at 10:10 PM on January 12, 2005

Here's to those
Who wish us well
And all the rest
Can go to hell!
posted by kamikazegopher at 11:09 PM on January 12, 2005

I've always thought that a good toast should be entirely extemporaneous, but then I have a complicated network of marginally sub-obsessive-compulsive rituals associated with The Drink that always annoyed the hell out of my friends, I think, back when we were living in the same countries and able to raise the wrist together.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:02 AM on January 13, 2005

May you...
Work like you don't need the money,
Screw like it's being filmed,
And drink like a true Irishman.
posted by justgary at 1:18 AM on January 13, 2005

You say: "To the Regiment"
All reply: "I wish I was there"

No, I don't either....but it's from a TV show called "Early Doors" which is very good IMHO.
posted by JtJ at 1:37 AM on January 13, 2005

Man! All these long toasts - can't you just get to the drinking!

Salud!
posted by benzo8 at 1:43 AM on January 13, 2005

RMALCOLM got to what is probably the original, but I'm surprised nobody's mentioned this Zork gem:

Here's to us!
Who's like us?
Damn few!
And they're allllllllllllll dead.
posted by rxrfrx at 2:33 AM on January 13, 2005

Cheers! May you live 900 years!
And may I live 901 so I may remeber you.
posted by Fat Guy at 3:11 AM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

To cannibalism!

/dodges toast

/ends Rocky Horror reference
posted by furtive at 3:48 AM on January 13, 2005

My absolute favorite, stolen from SuperTroopers:

"To the death of fun."
posted by yerfatma at 4:25 AM on January 13, 2005

"Ladies and gentlemen, The Queen."
posted by briank at 4:52 AM on January 13, 2005

A silly french one :
"A nos femmes,
A nos chevaux,
A nos escaliers,
Et à ceux qui les montent!"

Can't we have anonymous answering for one ? ;)
posted by XiBe at 5:10 AM on January 13, 2005

To our our women, to our horses,
and the men who ride them.
posted by filmgeek at 5:14 AM on January 13, 2005

[Army toast--recite in unison]

Starkle starkle, little twink
Who thee am I are you think?
I'm not under the alco-fluence of in-cohol
as some stinkle peep.
And the drunker I sit here
The longer I get.

[occasionally follow with]
A brotchen, a brotchen
A little piece of bread
Once around the head* for all the _____**
Once around the head*** for the ____** god[s]

[although including the second part indicates that you intend to drain your glass. failing to do so after invoking the god[s] earned one much disrespect and derision]

*circle glass around your cranial region
**where _____ == your group|mascot|collective name
***circle glass around your crotchal region

We would hold 'learning parties' when new recruits showed up. At this party the 'cruit was allowed to hear the toast a few times and then had to recite it without fsking up. Each fskup earned the 'cruit another shot. Hooray for alcohol poisoning!
posted by Fezboy! at 5:53 AM on January 13, 2005

Heres to a long life, and a happy one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and a honest one.
A cold beer... and another one!

Or, from Family Guy:
"Let's play Drink the Beer!"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:20 AM on January 13, 2005

Here's to honor!
If you can't come in her
come on her!

works best in mixed company.
posted by Cool Alex at 6:23 AM on January 13, 2005

"Here's to looking like movie stars, partying like rock stars, and f*cking like porn stars"
posted by icey at 6:39 AM on January 13, 2005

I always toast "to interesting times". Old Chinese curse, IIRC. Then again it might just be one of those racial stereotypes.
posted by softlord at 6:39 AM on January 13, 2005

I always like to toast to world peace.


Sweet vermouth with a twist? Ewww.
posted by norm at 6:44 AM on January 13, 2005

"I hate you all and wish you were dead!"
(drink rapidly, slam glass on table with an angry glare)

...it works best with a certain type of crowd.
posted by aramaic at 6:54 AM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I have two that I love, one (I've heard it sourced to Iran or another Muslim country):
"Here's to your discretion"

and another sourced to the Soviet army:

"Here's to the success of our hopeless task."

And of course if you are feeling sentimental and goofy:

"May all our worst days be thus".
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:13 AM on January 13, 2005

"Ladies and gentlemen, The Queen."

Alternatively, "Ladies and gentlemen, to the queer old dean."
posted by transient at 7:24 AM on January 13, 2005

ah, aramaic, that's mine. but still, the "panties" line that opened this thread gives you both witty and sublime in one handy package (and given how up-tight americans are about drink, how come you have so many rituals associated with it?)

anyway, here i'm afraid it's just salud or cheers, depending on the company.
posted by andrew cooke at 7:25 AM on January 13, 2005

"Confusion to the French!"
posted by eriko at 7:36 AM on January 13, 2005

I've always liked:

"The Body of Christ."

"Amen"
posted by bondcliff at 7:48 AM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

Sappy:

Here's to it,
And from it,
And to it again,
'Cause we might not be here to do it again.
posted by o2b at 8:03 AM on January 13, 2005

From Patrick O'Brian:

"Confusion to the Pope".

Ok that's my favorite.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:30 AM on January 13, 2005

alright, i'll bite--i don't get the "it's a lawn chair" one...
posted by mdpc98 at 9:05 AM on January 13, 2005

Appropriate for weddings, but more so for bachelor parties before it gets rowdy: "To eating off a plate, instead of straight out of the pan."
posted by Plutor at 9:08 AM on January 13, 2005

krisjohn, norm, you win on the Groundhog day references. But I was totally gonna say it and you stole my thunder. *sniffle*
posted by u.n. owen at 9:09 AM on January 13, 2005

I use a version of a lyric out of the song "Moonshiner," originally, I believe, an Irish tune, but covered by Dylan, Uncle Tupelo, Cat Power, and others.

May you eat when you're hungry
drink when you're dry
two dollars when you're hard up
and religion when you die.
posted by Mo Nickels at 9:34 AM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I didn't read all the replies, so I pre-apologize if someone's offered this, from Easy Rider, an underrated movie:

Here's to old D.H. Lawrence.
posted by scratch at 9:58 AM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

Mo,
I've also hear it:

"So let me eat when I'm hungry
Drink when I'm dry...
If the whiskey doesn't kill me
I guess I'll drink till I die..."
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:05 AM on January 13, 2005

heard, dammit.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:06 AM on January 13, 2005

Here's to old D.H. Lawrence.

Hey scratch, Will you indulge my laziness and tell me if there's any context to that or not?

It's awesome either way.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:12 AM on January 13, 2005

"Gentlemen... to evil!" --Mr. Black
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:26 AM on January 13, 2005

My friend Sherris favorites:

"Here's to the heat.
Not the heat that brings down barns and shantys
but the heat that brings down bras and panties."

"To Honor.
Get on her and stay on her
and if you happen to fall off her
get the fu*k back on her!"

Shes gonna love the rock star, movie star, porn star one...
posted by jopreacher at 10:29 AM on January 13, 2005

The ultimate toast given by Mike Cross at the Philadelphia Folk Festival some years ago.

Here's to the wine we love to drink
And the food we love to eat.
Here's to our wives and sweethearts,
And may they never meet.
Here's champagne for our real friends
And real pain for our sham friends.
And when this journey finally ends, may all of us find peace.

Here's to all the women I've loved
And all the ones I've kissed.
As for regrets, I just have one:
That's all the ones I've missed.
While women's faults are many,
We men have only two:
Every single thing we say and everything we do.

But I wish you health, I wish you wealth
And happiness galore.
I wish you heaven when you die,
What could I wish you more?
May your joys be as deep as the ocean,
Your troubles as light as its foam,
And may you find sweet peace of mind,
Wherever you may roam.
posted by The White Hat at 10:49 AM on January 13, 2005 [2 favorites]

I know it's been (sort of) said a few times now, but a buddy of mine always uses:

Here's to glory,
Here's to honor,
If you can't come in her,
Come on her.

I've never heard it without a line before "here's to honor," as others have suggested above, but this way allows for a relaxed pace in saying it that makes it seem more eloquent and (slightly) less trashy than it really is.


P.S. I don't get "it's a lawn chair" either...someone explain please?
posted by rorycberger at 11:20 AM on January 13, 2005

"Here's to old D. H. Lawrence" is (if memory serves) what Jack Nicholson, playing a left-wing alcoholic Southern lawyer, says prior to swigging out of a pint bottle while he & biker hippies Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper sit around their campfire. No real context, I guess--just a nice little character-development detail. Then again I could have it all wrong. Go ahead and see the movie, you'll be glad you did.
posted by scratch at 11:28 AM on January 13, 2005

Scratch
thanks, I have seen it, just not recently enough, I'ma have to see it again.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:35 AM on January 13, 2005

Our family toast is 'Happy Faries'. (As in 'Good 'Elf'.)
posted by i_cola at 11:56 AM on January 13, 2005

...or even 'Fairies'...
posted by i_cola at 11:57 AM on January 13, 2005

'sláinte' is 'Cheers' in Irish and is pronounced quite similarly to "It's a lawn chair" said fast and somewhat slurred. That's where I think jimfl was going with that.
posted by OneOliveShort at 11:58 AM on January 13, 2005

"Here's to us, and those like us. Damned few of us left."
posted by ruddhist at 12:07 PM on January 13, 2005

KR and I have a shot of tequila every day after work. We clink and say either "Cheers" or the Turkish equivalent, pronounced "Sherefay."
posted by booth at 12:47 PM on January 13, 2005

Are there any humourous toasts that aren't for sexist pigs? I'm sensing a pattern here...
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:16 PM on January 13, 2005

Here’s to a sweetheart, a bottle, and a friend.
The first beautiful, the second full, the last ever faithful.

May I see you grey
And combing your grandchildren’s hair.

Here’s to Eileen O’Hara,
For her life it held no terror.
Born a virgin.
Died a virgin.
No runs, no hits, no errors.
posted by gottabefunky at 1:24 PM on January 13, 2005

And, the next morning:

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
posted by gottabefunky at 1:25 PM on January 13, 2005

...or if you're feeling musical:

DOH . . . . . . the stuff . . . that buys me beer . . .
RAY . . . . . .the guy that sells me beer . . .
ME . . . . . . . the guy . . . who drinks the beer . . .
FAR . . . . . .a long way to the bar . . .
SO . . . . . . I’ll have another beer . . .
LA . . . . . . I’ll have another beer . . .
TEA . . . . . no thanks, I’m drinking beer . . .
That will bring us back to . . . (looks into an empty glass)
DOH!
posted by gottabefunky at 1:25 PM on January 13, 2005

Dorian
It's also a good Barenaked Ladies Song.
posted by Nenna at 1:52 PM on January 13, 2005

Are there any humourous toasts that aren't for sexist pigs? I'm sensing a pattern here...

yo that.
posted by mdn at 2:40 PM on January 13, 2005

I always use 'Confusion to the enemy' with flexible enemies to match the company and occassion.
posted by prentiz at 2:50 PM on January 13, 2005

With apologies to Monsignor Harte,

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future
And may you be in heaven a half an hour before the devil even knows you're dead.
posted by Elsbet at 3:18 PM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I used to know a clever toast,
But now I cannot think of it.
So fill your glass to anything,
And bless your souls, I’ll drink it!
posted by rxreed at 3:50 PM on January 13, 2005 [1 favorite]

I like:

"In your eye, bitch!"
posted by scarabic at 3:52 PM on January 13, 2005

No one has said: "Here's mud in your eye?" yet?

The Airplane meme: "Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking"

I always liked: "Well, tomorrow's another day." Which, now that I think about it, really only worked with my ex-AA friends.
posted by ?! at 4:22 PM on January 13, 2005

gottabefunky
LA . . . . . . I’ll have another beer . . .
In our version, we use "LA... ger is a type of beer!". Avoids the repeat...
My father has always been fond of "Here's lookin' up yer kilt".
posted by coriolisdave at 9:05 PM on January 13, 2005

Original is "La, lalalalala beer."
"Far" is "a long long way for beer."
posted by NickDouglas at 12:27 PM on January 14, 2005

well, I saw a bunch, but didn't see my favorite. It was a good one my roommates and i would say together whenever we threw a party, but before people arrived. (generally, with a shot of Everclear, but... y'know... feel free to substitute).

"Gentlemen!
To a good selection,
no rejection,
a strong erection,
a clean injection,
and no infection!"

sorry, if you were looking for another non Pig one...!
posted by indiebass at 11:08 AM on February 3, 2005 [1 favorite]