Etiquette? What's an etiquette?

November 14, 2009 1:34 PM

My baby shower was two months ago and I still haven't sent the thank you cards. My baby is now a month old. Can I send out the thank you cards and the birth announcements together, or is that horribly tacky?

I feel terrible about sending the thank you cards so late, but I've never written a thank you card before (Yes, I'm awful.) so I procrastinated out of intimidation. Now that I'm finally feeling normal enough to actually get around to it, it's time to also send out the birth announcements. Can I send out cards that both thank and announce? Or put two cards in the same envelope? Or should I mail them separately, even if they're sent out on the same day?

Bonus Question: Do I apologize for mailing them so late when writing the thank you note?

posted by logic vs love to society & culture (23 comments total)

Yes, you can include a thank you card in the same envelope as the birth announcement. I think it would be very gracious of you to apologize for the lateness of your thanks in a handwritten note to each person. I can just about guarantee that, once people receive your thanks and apology, they will forget all about you having been late and will have nothing but good thoughts for you and your new baby.
posted by rhartong at 1:45 PM on November 14

IANEP (I am not Emily Post)

I actually think it's a cool idea to send them both! I don't know if it's tacky or rude, but I wouldn't see it that way were I to get them. How nice for the recipients to actually see a picture of a baby and be reminded on their generous gift all at the same time.

Is there anyway to combine the two? Like a thank you note on the back of the announcement? Or putting the announcement inside the thank you card? I would most definitely mail them together, no sense wasting a stamp and envelope!

Don't mention the late-ness (and it's not even that late) of the thank you. I would certainly hope that you'd be given a little slack SINCE YOU JUST HAD A BABY!!

Yay for you for sending thank-yous! It's a really really nice thing to do and very appreciated whenever you get around to it.

Congrats on the baby!!
posted by Sassyfras at 1:47 PM on November 14

You have a new baby so people will be understanding. Personally, I'd consider combining the announcement and thank-you to be sensible; again, new baby means you have more important tasks.

To write the t-y cards, mix-n-match these sentences:
Dear %friend,
Thank you so much for coming to the baby shower; it made me feel so special.
The shower was such a nice party, especially since you came all the way from %town to attend.
The %gift was so thoughtful/adorable/sweet/useful.
Baby looks really cute in it/ loves it / it looks fabulous in baby's room.
You are such a good friend/generous/thoughtful/kind.

I put the baby announcement in with this because it seemed silly to send 2 envelopes. We're convinced baby looks like my/his grand/dad/mom.
Thank you again, sincerely/love/fondly Logic vs Love
posted by theora55 at 1:50 PM on November 14 [5 favorites has favorites]

I think that you get a slight pass on etiquette niceties when you are heavily pregnant and/or taking care of a new baby. Send them out together, don't mention the lateness, and be confident that non-assholes will be too busy cooing over your adorable baby to focus on technical etiquette questions.
posted by craichead at 1:53 PM on November 14 [2 favorites has favorites]

It's fine for you to combine the two. It's invitations to weddings or showers and gift registries that are not supposed to be mailed out together.
posted by orange swan at 2:00 PM on November 14 [1 favorite has favorites]

Congratulations on your baby! I'd use one envelope and I think it's still timely enough where you can skip the apology for not responding sooner. People will definitely understand the delay in mailing, and it's definitely not too late to say thank you.
posted by contrariwise at 2:06 PM on November 14

Send them out together.

And nobody expects a thank-you for a baby shower gift before the baby is born. Anytime within six months of the baby's birth is A-OK.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:07 PM on November 14 [3 favorites has favorites]

It's fine to send them out together. People would probably find it a charming overreaction to apologize, honestly; 2 months isn't bad, when you've had a baby in between.

And congratulations!
posted by palliser at 2:15 PM on November 14

Congratulations on your little one!

I think you can totally combine the notes, and I don't think you need to apologize for the lateness. Everybody loves a heartfelt note, and a sweet note sharing your joy and expressing your gratitude for the people who mean a lot to you (and their presents) would be appreciated at any time.

And maybe include a pic of the little one. I love seeing pictures of far away friend's kids, and I'll bet your shower guests would get a thrill from actually seeing the baby they had celebrated a month before.
posted by ladypants at 2:16 PM on November 14 [1 favorite has favorites]

Congratulations!

For the record, I'm a Miss-Manners-reading uptight type who thinks thank-you letters are absolutely vital... and even I think this sounds perfectly sensible and as polite as could be. Sure, it would have been ideal to send out thank-you letters immediately, but this is the next-best thing. Truthfully, I'm pretty impressed that someone who just had a baby is up to sending out correspondence! I'd guess that lots of people on your list will feel similarly impressed.

I feel terrible about sending the thank you cards so late, but I've never written a thank you card before (Yes, I'm awful.) so I procrastinated out of intimidation.

Stop feeling bad, because you're doing it now! If it's helpful, you might use a template to ease the writing of your notes. I did something like this for our wedding thank-you letters; though each gift was deeply appreciated and we were earnestly thankful, it was helpful to have a structure in mind for the notes, especially for people I don't know very well. It sounds a little bloodless, but I find it actually frees me to focus on the gratitude rather than the form. Mine was:

Dear [person(s)],

- exclamation of gratitude for coming to the wedding [you would substitute "shower"] and/or thinking of us.
- Mention a memorable conversation, joke, or activity that occurred at the shower, or mention that it's always good to see/hear from them.
- Express gratitude for the gift. Mention by name and describe its usefulness or other reason you're glad to have it; e.g.,, "And thanks so much for the diaper genie! It will save us so many trips to the garbage chute!" or "We just love the silver rattle --- I know it's destined to be an heirloom!"
- Express gratitude for the thought, e.g., "It was so sweet of you to take the time to knit that blanket!" or "How did you remember that I love [whatever]?"
- If it's suitable to the relationship, you can close with a desire to see or communicate with them in the future, e.g., "We can't wait to see you!" or "We'd love to see you when thing quiet down in a few weeks!" or "Maybe we can all get together when you're in town next spring!" or whatever. (If this isn't suitable to the relationship, don't worry about it.)

love [or "all my thanks" or other suitable closing],
your name

You could easily incorporate both the announcement and the thank-you into one note; just start with the announcement, then add on the template for the thank-you note. It even gives you a chance to remark that now that the baby is here, you are especially thankful to have [whatever] and to give a brief reason why.

It's easy to get so overwhelmed with a stack of thank-you notes, but it really doesn't take long if you have a sense of what to write. Don't worry that they have to be long or beautifully written. A brief and earnest note is perfect. Good for you for wanting to do it!

If it still seems too big a task, don't be afraid to break it down: write two or four or ten at a time, whatever suits your schedule. Especially now that you have a month-old baby, people will really be impressed with whatever you manage.
posted by Elsa at 3:28 PM on November 14 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's not that uncommon of a situation--actually, I'm pretty sure that's what my mom had to do when I was born (and I'm 25 now). People will be glad to hear from you, and they will understand if you are sincere but brief. Get them done sometime before the baby starts talking and you will be fine.
posted by Tesseractive at 3:52 PM on November 14

To add what others said, look over your list and see if there are a few certain people that have a stick up their butt. Send them a thank you note and then the announcement a few days later. Everybody else send together.
posted by texas_blissful at 3:58 PM on November 14 [1 favorite has favorites]

1) It's never too late to send a thank you note. In a perfect world, yeah, you would have sent them sooner, but people cut very pregnant women some slack. I mean, you've had a few things on your plate in the past couple months, yes?

2) Combining them is fine, but I like texas_blissful's suggestion of separating them for any really snarky or stick-up-the-butt folks who might whine about it. However, anyone who whines about it is kind of a jerk.
posted by dumbledore69 at 4:07 PM on November 14

However, anyone who whines about it is kind of a jerk.

I second that, and I'll go farther: anyone who finds a way to complain about it would find something to complain about no matter what you do, so it's not worth worrying about them.
posted by Elsa at 4:12 PM on November 14

It's really better, in terms of etiquette, not to send out thank-you notes for a baby shower until the baby is actually born*. So don't start your "oops, I'm late" clock ticking until then.


*because many many people are superstitious about talking too much about a baby until it's born, which is probably a hangover from days of higher infant mortality
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:45 PM on November 14

It's completely fine to combine the two, as long as those announcements are going out in the next week or two, so the ty notes aren't being put off much longer. If anyone even notices the notes are late, they'll be understanding - you just had a baby, after all!
I do not think you should apologize for the notes being late. Don't bring attention to it. Like I said, some people won't even notice.

If it's going to be a while before the announcements go out, send the ty notes separately. Don't let that hang over your head.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 5:39 PM on November 14

Also: sending baby photos will win oodles of ooohs, ahhs, soooo cutes. Nobody in their right mind would be like, "OOOH new baby, she is so cute, look at those dimples, what a nice card, I'm so happy they thought of me, I'm going to put this on my fridge, she is so cute, oh look they're also thanking me for the gift! Double lovely." would turn into "What the hell, it's in the same envelope."

They'll be thrilled to hear from you and get a photo of the baby. Congrats!
posted by barnone at 8:07 PM on November 14

Sidhedevil: "Send them out together.

And nobody expects a thank-you for a baby shower gift before the baby is born. Anytime within six months of the baby's birth is A-OK."

Bwa? This is like that urban legend that says you have a year to send a wedding gift. (Okay, I think I recall the etiquette experts being divided on this issue, but personally I think it's a tacky excuse for procrastinating.)

Sidhedevil: "It's really better, in terms of etiquette, not to send out thank-you notes for a baby shower until the baby is actually born*. So don't start your "oops, I'm late" clock ticking until then.

*because many many people are superstitious about talking too much about a baby until it's born, which is probably a hangover from days of higher infant mortality"

Nope, never heard of that either. The not sending out thank you notes part, not the don't talk about the baby part. Although these days it seems like the don't talk about the baby part ends at the end of the first trimester. As far as "It's really better in terms of etiquette" part, show me where Miss Manners or Emily/Elizabeth/Peggy Post says so and I'll buy it.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:33 AM on November 15

It would be cute to send everything out together, with pictures of the baby wearing something or using something that particular person gave you for the shower.
posted by katypickle at 11:43 AM on November 15

(Okay, I think I recall the etiquette experts being divided on this issue, but personally I think it's a tacky excuse for procrastinating.)

Ok, seriously? You think having an infant is a tacky excuse for procrastinating? Have you ever *known* anyone who had a new baby? As far as I'm concerned, it's a pretty good excuse for almost anything that's not actually criminal.
posted by craichead at 1:46 PM on November 15

craichead: "

(Okay, I think I recall the etiquette experts being divided on this issue, but personally I think it's a tacky excuse for procrastinating.)

Ok, seriously? You think having an infant is a tacky excuse for procrastinating? Have you ever *known* anyone who had a new baby? As far as I'm concerned, it's a pretty good excuse for almost anything that's not actually criminal."

Craichead: No, I was saying that not sending a wedding gift for a year was procrastinating.

Secondly, Sidhedevil said "it's better in terms of etiquette not to send out thank-you notes until baby is actually born." What you just said even proves it would be better to get the notes out BEFORE baby is born so as not to be belated.
posted by IndigoRain at 12:09 AM on November 16

I look at it like this: even if there is a rule about not combining ones social responsibilities like that, it would be an even bigger social faux pas for anyone to get worked up about it.

Etiquette is about doing things in a way that is most gracious to your friends and family. It is NOT about having rule-based ammunition to judge others about.

On the other hand, for some reason, I would feel slightly uncomfortable doing it this way, but I can't put my finger on the reason. Since the majority of the work is in writing the cards and addressing the envelopes, you really aren't saving that much by combining the two. I suspect that the time you save in not addressing envelopes you would lose in sorting through the announcements and stuffing the appropriate cards into them. And I can't imagine the postage savings being more than 10 or 20 dollars. It sounds like that might be a good investment in feeling good about yourself for having done it the "right" way...? There's no reason why you can't do them all at once and dump them off at the post office at the same time.

katypickle makes a good point- if you combine them, make it look like a special thing. That you did extra work to make it more enjoyable for the people who receive the card and the announcement together. Rather than just cramming them both into the same envelope.
posted by gjc at 6:34 AM on November 16

The people who are suggesting extra work--including a picture of the baby wearing the outfit the people sent or whatever--are very creative and well-intentioned, but don't let them make you feel guilty if you don't do such a thing! I'm with the folks who say: you're not even that late, so don't waste time apologizing; thank you notes are always welcome; thank you notes tucked into the birth announcements are fine.

I was actually surprised to read in Miss Manners not too long ago that, according to her, you are not actually obligated to send a thank-you note for a gift you receive in person and are therefore able to thank the person for when you receive the gift. So just be sending the thank-you notes you are out-politing the great Miss Manners! (This is one piece of her advice I wouldn't follow--it's entirely conventional and expected in my world to send notes for shower gifts, and it would be an oversight not to. I just mention it to encourage you to give yourself some slack and do what you can.)
posted by not that girl at 7:00 AM on November 16