Believe it or not, George isn't at home!

October 16, 2009 3:19 PM

I always hate my voicemail / answering machine message. I feel really lame whenever I say any of the little scripts I have heard or thought up. NEW VOICEMAIL MESSAGE SCRIPTS please! All ideas welcome, from simple to funny to irreverant. (Or even pre-recorded messages I could download, good songs, anything!)
posted by nomnomnom to grab bag (52 comments total)

I'll be honest, cutesy messages annoy me, especially for anything business related. I keep mine very simple: "Hi, this is Nick, please leave a message"
posted by shinynewnick at 3:23 PM on October 16 [2 favorites]

I agree with Nick. Short, sweet and to the point. Those who call you, especially often, will appreciate it.
posted by thebrokedown at 3:28 PM on October 16

Hello?........what?........hang on just a sec.




you there? hello? HELLO!?!?

Oh! I can hear you now! Dude! What's up brah? Yeah! Ha ha ha! Oh dude, dude, dude, hold on just a sec...













BEEEEEP
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 3:28 PM on October 16 [1 favorite]

shinynewnick, that is actually my current voicemail message and for some reason it sounds very strange and gives me a weird accent.
posted by mjao at 3:28 PM on October 16

be prepared for your parents to fucking kill you when they see you next time, because it'll fool them repeatedly
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 3:29 PM on October 16 [1 favorite]

*Sultry woman voice*
You have reached the voicemail box of .

Why would you need more than that?
posted by Z1LCH at 3:31 PM on October 16

My friend's is this, said quick and casually and in a slightly hangdog ironic way: "Hey, it's Carla, and if you got this number, it means I like you, so you might as well leave me a message." I call her a lot so I hear it often, but it never annoys me.
posted by twistofrhyme at 3:32 PM on October 16

"Press # to leave a message."

Adjust for your cell phone provider.
posted by Nameless at 3:34 PM on October 16

"You have reached the number you've dialed. If you did not dial the number you've reached, please hang up and dial again.
This is a recording."

This has been on my answering machine for my landline for over 20 years. People complain, but I think it's timeless.
My cel and work phones are strictly business.
posted by Floydd at 3:34 PM on October 16

A simple "This is nomnomnom, leave a message" or even better "I'm not here, leave a message" is by far the best option in my opinion because I generally want to strangle people with long voicemail messages.

I guess the coolest short greeting I've ever heard is "Please leave a message after the xxxxx" where xxxxx was something like a guitar string being plucked, or some other unique ding-like noise.
posted by kthxbi at 3:36 PM on October 16

"Leave me a message and I'll call you back."
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 3:38 PM on October 16

I really like: "You've reached (phone number), please leave a message." Keeps telemarketers from knowing my name but allows people to know they've dialed the number correctly. Anything more than that is just annoying.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:41 PM on October 16

You may find some inspiration over at Youmail.
posted by Agamenticus at 3:41 PM on October 16

I really like: "You've reached (phone number), please leave a message." Keeps telemarketers from knowing my name but allows people to know they've dialed the number correctly. Anything more than that is just annoying.

This is exactly why my outgoing message is exactly this.
posted by Lucinda at 3:46 PM on October 16

I always enjoy my parents' "Hi, you've reached the [family name]s. Please wait for the message and leave a beep!"

I still sometimes leave them beeps.
posted by bookdragoness at 3:47 PM on October 16 [1 favorite]

I'm always annoyed to hear my prerecorded friends say things like "..so leave a message after the beep" immediately followed by the female machine-voice of the provider saying "To leave a voice message, press one, or just wait for the tone..." Life is short, people. Let's try to cut out the redundancies.

After hearing what callers would have to endure after my personalized greeting, I recorded a brief self-introduction and referred them to my secretary.
posted by JaiMahodara at 3:50 PM on October 16

"You know what to do."
posted by b33j at 3:51 PM on October 16

Please don't make me hate you. "You've reached Nomnom Nom. Please leave a message at the prompt and I'll return your call as soon as possible." Either your name or your number in this instance is sufficient to the requirement, you know?
posted by DarlingBri at 3:56 PM on October 16

I've had a string of snarky messages on my voicemail that garnered mixed reviews (obviously; I was fine with that) but currently have a straightforward one— "I'm not available. If you'd like me to return your call, please leave a brief message". The emphasis is there in the recording as well, and I've found it to reduce the number of junk voicemails ("Hey, call me back").

disclaimer: I did have the aforementioned 'false alarm' OGM for a while and thoroughly enjoyed the strings of harsh invectives most of the time.
posted by a halcyon day at 4:01 PM on October 16

I tell people not to leave me a message unless I don't know them. It's so annoying in the day and age of caller id to have to delete twenty messages, all of which are 'Hey, its _____ (friend's name), seeing what's up, call me back!"

If I know their name, I will see it on my phone and call them back.
posted by mannequito at 4:02 PM on October 16 [2 favorites]

Please keep it as short as possible. You will probably have callers who are paying by the minute to listen to your message, and it gets pretty annoying to have to hear a long one over and over again. This is true even if they aren't paying for it, but is even more so when they are.

Mine is: "You've reached grouse. Please leave a message."
posted by grouse at 4:06 PM on October 16

I knew someone once with a message like spike...mints is suggesting.

Hilariously funny the first time you hear it, not at all funny the second, and damned tedious the third. I never called her a fourth time.

If you want something a bit more, um, individual, why not have some funky background music behind a short, sweet 'this-is-me-here-comes-the-beep' message?
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:07 PM on October 16

Mine says "This is the voice of the machine of cmoj. Leave a message."

It's literal. It's not flat standard. Works.
posted by cmoj at 4:09 PM on October 16

This is for home, not business. I used to have one that said, "hi, I can't come to the phone right now because I'm out feeding the ducks. Please leave a message and I'll call you back when they're full." Underneath that was a recording of ducks (think it was from my screen saver, actually). You could do the same thing with a recording of any animal of your choice. Of course, people knew I didn't have ducks, suburban home and all that. Most people liked it, and I didn't get too many sales messages. The ones who didn't like it were probably people I didn't want to talk to anyway.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:10 PM on October 16

My voicemail message, for the longest time, was something akin to "You've reached the voicemail of Blahblah Blah. I rarely check my messages. So don't leave one." Because, like mannequito, I was real tired of people leaving voicemail that consisted entirely of "Yo, it's me," or "My phone must have cut out, sorry about--oh, you're calling me."

Now that I have personal business, though, my outgoing message is "You've reached the voicemail of BlahBlah Blah, President of Blahblah LLC. Please leave a message."
posted by Netzapper at 4:31 PM on October 16

I had two that people liked for a while:

"Hello. My name is Firei LastName. You called my cell phone. Prepare to talk."

"Hi, you've reached firei's phone, please leave a message after the tone!"
posted by firei at 4:45 PM on October 16 [2 favorites]

It drives me crazy when people still leave instructions for what to do. "Please leave your name and number after the beep." Um... yeah, I know. I've done this before.

Mine just says "Hi, this is the Bondcliff family, the beep is coming up now."

People know what to do. Don't waste their time.
posted by bondcliff at 4:51 PM on October 16

I'm with bondcliff. At this point we all know how it works, so there's no need to explain it or preview what will happen afterwards. And nobody wants to sit through anymore garbage than they have to once they realize you're not available, particularly not songs. But you have to say something. I just say, "Hi, please leave a message." My friends know who they called. Anybody else can try their luck.
posted by Askr at 5:01 PM on October 16

Jerry Seinfeld on voicemail:

"It's sad," he said about voice mail. "There are people on phones [and] phone machines still telling you to leave your name and number.

"Are those necessary instructions?" he asked. "Is anyone getting messages like, 'This is a woman. Good-bye'?"

And then there's the beep: "I know people who are still telling you to wait for the beep," Seinfeld griped. "It's the 21st goddamn century—I think we're all up to speed on the beep!"

I know his observational humor has taken a lot of flack but I quite literally "lol"ed when I first
heard this bit. As he very aptly points out, people know what's going on by now. You could get away with as little as "hey it's [name]'s voicemail." or even "[name]'s voicemail: go."
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:04 PM on October 16

I have always been in two minds about the redundancies. On the one hand, it's ridiculous to inform someone that you're not available to answer the phone when, if the opposite were true, you wouldn't be hearing the message. On the other hand, I rarely have a message formed in my mind when I call someone, so I appreciate the 20 second thinking time provided by 'Please wait for the tone, after which time you will be able to leave a message'.

I hate when a message service adds "To leave a message, wait for the tone" and then appends "At the end of your message, hang up, or for recording options, press the star key," or similar.

I also hate when a message runs along the lines of 'Here are five other numbers you may be able to contact me on'.
posted by doublehappy at 5:15 PM on October 16

The most succint I've ever heard was a simple, "You called. Why?"

It was almost too short. A touch brusque perhaps? But yes, I do think most people know what to do now.

I have a friend who machine now says, "You've reached (her name). I like messages, so please leave me one". It's warm and genuine, just like her!
posted by Richat at 5:31 PM on October 16 [2 favorites]

Seinfeld griped. "It's the 21st goddamn century—I think we're all up to speed on the beep!"

As he very aptly points out, people know what's going on by now. You could get away with as little as "hey it's [name]'s voicemail." or even "[name]'s voicemail: go."

That's why Jerry's message is simply:

I'll call you right back. (tone)

And that's mine, too.
posted by Zambrano at 5:41 PM on October 16

"Hi, this is [my friend who really used this message]. Leave your name and number and — if I like you — I'll call you back."
posted by nicwolff at 5:51 PM on October 16

Mine:

"You wanna leave a message for Lex? What the BEEP!
posted by lexfri at 5:56 PM on October 16 [1 favorite]

My favorite answering machine message I ever had (yes, actual answering machine, tells you how long ago this was):

(in an incredibly perky voice:) "Hi! I'm home right now, but I'm screening my calls to avoid someone I don't like. So leave your name and number after the beep, and if I don't call you back -- it's you!"

Note: .... You should probably be better than I am at returning phone calls if you're going to pull this one.
posted by webmutant at 5:57 PM on October 16

"555-555-5555, leave a message."

First I just speak the number, not too fast, so it's clearly understood - I include the area code, because many people call actually want the number, but with a different area code. Then, a simple "leave a message".

I've done this for 20+ years, wherever I've lived and had an answering machine. Nobody's complained so far.
posted by VikingSword at 6:27 PM on October 16 [1 favorite]

Possibly what chesty_a_arthur was getting at: No Doubt - Spiderwebs, any excerpt thereof.

I still remember a close childhood friend's when we were 6-10. His voice: "Hello there, you've reached XXX-XXXX. We're not home right now, we're probably at the Mall. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER YOU HEAR THE FUNNY TONE BYE". (This works best, perhaps ONLY, if you have a small child who lives in your home.)
posted by knile at 7:20 PM on October 16

(1) Do you have a default option? Both my office and my cell phone had that option. It's usually just the number or your recorded name.

(2) Could you get a friend or executive assistant or coworker to record yours for you if you hate the way your voice sounds?

(3) Use this one.
posted by salvia at 7:48 PM on October 16

Or this one. Or this one.
posted by salvia at 7:51 PM on October 16

"Leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone."

or

"You have reached, or rather have not reached, notsnot. If you're trying to sell me something, go away. Otherwise, well, you know the drill."
posted by notsnot at 7:54 PM on October 16

These might come in handy.

Or, you could always haunt your local flea market for some Crazy Calls.
posted by madajb at 8:14 PM on October 16

Mine is, "I am currently unavailable." No promise to call back because I probably won't. I have gotten two responses along the lines of, "You're currently unavailable? Call me back when you are JohnnyGunn."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:46 PM on October 16

"Speak at the beep."
posted by radiomayonnaise at 10:08 PM on October 16

At some point, when I first got a cellphone, I chose the option that has the automated voice say, "You have reached the voice mailbox of..." and then it has my voice saying my name, only instead of just saying it, I sort of shout it; more like an exclamation, and happily too. "You have reached the voice mailbox of... andeles!" and then the voice carries on with the rest of its message. People seem to really like it; it's unexpected, and, I like to think, charming. I haven't changed it in years.
posted by andeles at 10:47 PM on October 16

spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints:

I had a client who had a voicemail like that. It pissed me off every time I called her.


Nomnomnom: In an age where everyone knows how to use voicemail, anything longer than "You've reached Nomnomnom... BEEP" is a pain in the ass. If it's a work voicemail, "You've reached Nomnomnom at Nom, Inc. - BEEP" If you're not going to be receiving messages for a while, "This is Nomnomnom. I won't be checking messages until Dec. 1. In the meantime, please call Sally at 555-1234. BEEP"
posted by mikewas at 4:36 AM on October 17

[rising Idiot Tones] We're sorry. You have reached the wrong number. Please hang up. And try again.

Beep.
posted by jet_silver at 8:46 AM on October 17

"I can't speak to you right now, but you can speak to me..."
posted by dirm at 12:28 PM on October 17

I hate to presume that the caller would like to leave a message. And the modern person totally understands the system so I don't have to explain to them why I didn't answer or that I will call them back. So I say: "This is *firstname*. If you'd like, leave a message."
posted by BaxterG4 at 1:19 PM on October 17

"This is [your name]. At the tone leave your name and message and I'll get back to you." Then play the entire Rockford Files theme, making it impossible to leave a message without sitting through the whole thing — because really who wants messages?
posted by nicwolff at 11:02 AM on October 18

For the misanthropes:

This is [zennie]. If you had a reason to call, leave a message.

Hey, gonna have ta leave a message.

Leave a message and I might get back to you.

Also.
posted by zennie at 8:58 AM on October 19

My brother had his own line when we were teenagers and my dad would ring him instead of walking down the hall to knock on his door. One morning the answering machine recorder got turned on and the result was something to the effect of this:

Dad: {Brother}
Brother:(garbage disposal morning groan):Whaaat?
Dad: It's 7:30, aren't you going to go to school today?
Brother: (gd voice) Yeeess.
Dad: Come on, get up!
Brother: (more gd)MMMMRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

My brother kept this as his message for several months.
posted by brujita at 12:11 AM on October 20

Just make it short. Talk fast. I don't want to listen to you saying your name, your number, giving instructions and wishing me a nice day and telling me to wait for the beep.

2 faves of mine:
My brother's says "This is Henry's voicemail. Leave a message."
and there was one I heard that said "it's voicemail; you know what to do and you know when to do it."
posted by theora55 at 1:39 PM on October 22