Kink-aware therapists: tips or suggestions?

October 7, 2009 1:05 PM

How should I go about finding a therapist who will be open-minded about my involvement with BDSM?

I'm a 22-year-old woman in Arizona, and I'm experiencing some issues with depression and social anxiety. I'd like to find an experienced local therapist who can help me with these issues, but I'm a little concerned that some aspects of my relationship with my boyfriend will set off domestic abuse alarms to therapists who aren't well-versed in alternative lifestyles.

I'm involved in a 24/7 dominant/submissive relationship (I'm the submissive). My partner and I are very respectful of each other, and I'm not being abused or coerced in any way. Still, I've seen therapists in the past who seemed to find my very interest in BDSM unhealthy and a little unsettling. I know I could just "leave those parts out", but then I'd feel like I wasn't being entirely honest.

I know about the database of Kink-Aware Professionals, but unfortunately all of the Arizona listings seem to be either:
a.) people with dubious credentials (hypnotists, life coaches, and the like)
b.) prohibitively expensive ($150 per session?!), or
c.) located in Tucson (about a two hour drive from me).

Does anyone have any general tips for finding a therapist who will be non-judgmental about my personal life? Specific recommendations for therapists in the Phoenix area would be fantastic as well. Throwaway email: [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (10 answers total)

In this circumstance I might pre-interview local therapists on the phone before my initial consultation. That way I could gauge their response while maintaining my anonymity.
posted by crickets at 1:22 PM on October 7, 2009

Is there a LGBT center around you? Call them. If they're gay/trans friendly, they're probably gonna be kink friendly.

I have issues with depression and anxiety, and unless they're related to my BDSM activities (which they're not), there's really no reason to bring up said activities in therapy. It's not you being dishonest, it's you leaving out irrelevant information. Would you say "I am wearing pink socks today" or "I drive a Toyota"? Granted, BDSM is a bigger part of life than your sock color, but it's not necessarily relevant.
posted by desjardins at 1:40 PM on October 7, 2009

I did a little search for you using this advanced search tool, and came up with these people, searching for depression, Phoenix, and someone who knows how to deal with transgendered people. I know you aren't trans, but my thought was that someone who is experienced in treating trans people would be the most understanding of BDSM. You can also sort by price and whether they take your insurance.
posted by rmless at 1:41 PM on October 7, 2009

Uh, I'd like to add a caveat - if your boyfriend is leaving visible marks, or if you wear a visible collar/bar code/tattoo, then yeah, you're going to have to explain it to the therapist whether BDSM is relevant to your mental state or not. I'm not submissive, so I'm not sure exactly how that conversation would go, although "collar as a symbol of commitment" seems to make sense to vanillas. Someone who is trained in domestic abuse counseling should be able to tell that you're not a victim from your demeanor when you speak about your boyfriend.

Also, I meant "call the LGBT center for a referral," not that they'd necessarily have someone on staff. Planned Parenthood might be able to refer you as well.
posted by desjardins at 2:09 PM on October 7, 2009

Perhaps calling one of the Tuscon professionals and asking him or her for recommendations?
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:33 PM on October 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Could you get in touch with the folks at APEX and ask them for possible referrals? They're a lifestyle organization, not so much a support group, but they may have pointers for you.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:40 PM on October 7, 2009

$150 an hour is not abnormally high for a decent therapist. Most will work on a sliding scale if you ask. I would ask the members of the community.
posted by chairface at 3:01 PM on October 7, 2009

Do you think that some of your depression and anxiety might be connected to your BDSM lifestyle? I'm asking this because, if not, the subject might not even come up, or, if it comes up, you can indicate that you don't want to discuss it. You're paying the fee, you're the boss of your therapist. It's up to you to decide what gets talked about. I don't think it's a matter of whether you're being totally honest or not. Unless you're seeking psychoanalysis, therapy should focus on what's germane to the problem you're seeking help with. There are huge swathes of people's lives that don't need to be discussed in order to focus on particular problems, in my opinion. If a therapist is a competent professional, it shouldn't really matter to me what they believe about xyz.

What might be more challenging for you would be a situation in which you want to explore whether some aspect of your BDSM lifestyle might be contributing to your anxiety and depression. In this case, I could really understand how it would be critical to have someone who is truly open-minded to the idea of BDSM as a valid lifestyle choice. Are you and your partner part of some kind of local BDSM community? If so, maybe you could ask around for recommendations for therapists - I find word of mouth recommendations can be very helpful. If not, people's suggestions about getting recommendations from Kink-Aware professionals in Tuscon might be a good place to start.
posted by jasper411 at 4:33 PM on October 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

AASECT is a national professional organization for sex therapists, and although that's not really what you need, their website directory has 2 members who are in Phoenix--I might try calling them and explaining your situation, because they might either be able to help you (the vast majority of sex therapists also do regular individual and/or family or couples therapy), and will very likely be open minded and comfortable enough to not bat an eyelash about the BDSM issue, OR they can give you a referral to another professional who will be able to provide what you need.
posted by so_gracefully at 10:17 PM on October 7, 2009

FWIW, a lot of qualified, certified therapists seem to be adopting the term "life coach" these days. Evidently some people think "therapist" has negative connotations.

My group therapist goes by "life coach". He's a very sharp guy, knows his psychology, biology, and medications inside and out.

And yeah, I was a little put off by the hokey-sounding "life coach" title when I first heard it.
posted by Xoebe at 10:44 PM on October 7, 2009