How do I deal with the fact that I hate teaching, or, how long do I hate teaching until I give up on grad school?

September 24, 2009 4:39 PM

How do I deal with the fact that I hate teaching, or, how long do I hate teaching until I give up on grad school?

I'm a PhD student with a fellowship that pays my tuition and gives me a modest living stipend in exchange for, as with any fellowship, service to the school. In my case, this service is defined as teaching two classes entirely on my own each semester for three years. I had very little desire to teach going into grad school (I'm in a field where there are other careers that require a PhD and those are what I do, in fact, desire) and teaching so far (it's been about six weeks) has really solidified that decision. I hate it. Every week for about 48 hours before I have to teach, I feel absolutely paralyzed by the most intense nervousness I've ever experienced. I take antacids regularly because I feel terrible. I grind my teeth in my sleep and wake up with headaches. I absolutely love school and what I'm doing, but teaching is making me miserable. There is no other option as far as my fellowship goes - I have to teach for three years, or no funding.

My question is whether anyone has any strategies or advice as how to make this more tolerable and/or make me feel like the next three years of my life will be something other than absolutely terrible. Will this get easier? Will the nervousness subside? I know that a lot of this is entirely subjective, but I am having a difficult time determining whether it is worthwhile to stay in graduate school if this is the only way to do it. I am told things tend to get easier but am uncertain how to deal until they do. I'm torn between thinking that A) I should just suck it up because I am lucky to even have funding (most in my department don't) or B) these are three years of my life that I'll never get back.

Any suggestions and/or strategies would be sincerely appreciated!

posted by anonymous to education (16 comments total)

Try to get money from elsewhere.

If you bring in an outside fellowship (or a grant or funded proposal), this will probably mean you don't have to teach, and will endear you to your professors because you are bringing money in instead of taking it out of the department. I'm not a professor, but I can't imagine anyone being upset at you giving up a university fellowship (which they can give to another student) to bring in money from outside.

I'd stick it out for at least a year. It may get better, I taught my first class as a graduate student last year and found I started enjoying it a little towards the end where I was filled with anxiety at the outset. It may just provide lots of motivation to apply for lots outside funding sources this year.
posted by pseudonick at 4:51 PM on September 24

If you're in the sciences, you can still apply for the NSF GRFP (and possibly NDSEG) as late as the summer end of your 1st year of grad school/fall of your 2nd year. This is not a very well known fact.
posted by zonem at 4:53 PM on September 24

There is no other option as far as my fellowship goes - I have to teach for three years, or no funding.

Have you considered applying for the NSF/Javits/etc (whatever is appropriate for you and your field)? It is always a long shot but presumably this should free you up from teaching. Deadlines are coming up. (On preview, I'm not sure if this goes against what zonem meant, but the NSF has _one_ deadline a year in the fall, usually november sometime.)

I have to say that is an extremely high (esp. given solo classes) teaching load for a grad student, at least in my world. Is this normal in your field? Could you consider trying to transfer to a different graduate program? Things do get easier the more you teach, but a 2/2 teaching load as a grad student is not going to be the best way to get research done no matter how easy it gets.
posted by advil at 4:56 PM on September 24

Also, as far as teaching goes: you probably want to wait until at least until the end of the semester. One simple trick is to think of lecturing as if you're speaking (explaining things) to yourself, not an audience of people.

If you feel your anxiety getting worse and worse, seek out the health center on campus. The psychologists there tend to have a LOT of experience with anxious graduate students who have had your exact problem. Trust me. If you do meet with a psychologist, I suggest you ask to speak with one with experience with graduate students (most have a great deal), and the type you would feel comfortable talking to and getting advice from (e.g., "middle aged woman"). Sessions on campus tend to be free, and you will focus only on specific problems with the teaching.
posted by zonem at 4:59 PM on September 24

re advil: no contradiction. i'm simply stating that even if anonymous misses this year's deadline, there's always next year.
posted by zonem at 5:01 PM on September 24

Does your school have any teaching resources for graduate students? A little training might give you some ideas and help with your nervousness.

Also, are their other students in your department who have taught these classes before? Maybe they have old lesson plans or assignments you could use?

A 2/2 teaching load is a lot, but if you can teach the same classes every semester it gets easier because you already have the materials prepared.
posted by jenne at 5:01 PM on September 24

I'd say hate it for at least a full semester/trimester, and maybe even the full school year, before you make any major decisions.

Six weeks really isn't that long. And a lot of people have a lot of trouble when they first start out. Your situation sounds particularly bad, because it sounds like you were just dumped with a bunch of students and no guidance on what to do -- for that, I sympathize deeply and I am sorry you are in that situation. But it gets better. It gets easier. You start to learn about what kind of teacher you are, and the most natural way for you to interact with students. You get better at figuring out how to present material, and how to guide the classroom. You get a groove.

...Or, at least, what I've said is true for most people. But I want to repeat zonem's advice: if the stress is getting worse and not better, you might want to see a therapist about it.

So what can you do? One thing I think might be useful is to repeat after me: "My students have no idea if I'm right or wrong, and I am the ultimate authority of what is correct in my classroom. My students can go to hell if they don't like me personally, but I'm going to teach them this material. And I don't care if they look bored, because students always look bored--even I often look bored in my own classes that I love dearly." It's a pretty mean-spirited little chant, but I've found it contains what's most important to remember, when one is nervous about teaching. (And the part about looking bored I've found is true.. Look around, in a class sometime where you're a student. You'll realize that the basic facial expression for a student isn't the most reassuring, from the teacher's perspective.)

If you can follow up through a mod with more detail about what, exactly, you hate about teaching, it would probably help us give you advice on how to deal with it.
posted by Ms. Saint at 5:20 PM on September 24 [5 favorites]

"My students have no idea if I'm right or wrong, and I am the ultimate authority of what is correct in my classroom. My students can go to hell if they don't like me personally, but I'm going to teach them this material. And I don't care if they look bored, because students always look bored--even I often look bored in my own classes that I love dearly."

This this and this. I went into grad school very nervous about TAing. One of the first labs I ever ran as a grad student was one I nearly failed as an undergrad. After reading the first assignments though I realized that there was a reason I was teaching the class and they were taking it and that I had grown a lot since taking it myself. If the reason for your nervousness has anything to do with feelings of inadequacy, DO NOT worry about.
posted by Midnight Rambler at 5:44 PM on September 24

Teaching is hard, so I can understand how stressed out it might make you and how it seems like something you've got to tolerate to get to the good stuff (research). And I remember my first couple year's teaching in grad school being an absolute bear.

I'd offer this anecdote about how things might turn out different than you think.

My brother felt the same way when he did his PhD--he hated, absolutely *hated* teaching. It was a distraction, a source of stress, he generally didn't seem to like the students, etc etc. He was (and still is) a rockstar researcher, but somewhere toward the end of his grad student career a switched flipped and he stopped hating teaching. Then he got the tenure track job he'd wanted, continued to do research, and fell in love with teaching. He did his research, was granted tenure, and then much to my surprise given that he'd despised teaching for his first many years in grad school ended up winning the distinguished teaching award at his very large public research university.

You asked: Will this get easier? Will the nervousness subside?

I think it often does, and as I watched with my brother it could turn out dramatically different than you think it will.

Good luck and hang in there.
posted by donovan at 5:56 PM on September 24

I am biased - I love teaching. Maybe I can help you find some love for it too.

One, what are you teaching? Is it a subject you are interested in? Can you get the students as interested in it as you are? Nothing snaps students out of being bored like a teacher who seems interested in the subject.

Two, don't think of yourself as a teacher, think of yourself as another student, just further along, trying to tell others about this material.

Three, is it just the nervousness? How large are your classes? My trick to get used to teaching was to simply talk to one or two students at a time, as if the rest of the class wasnt there, but to still address the class as a whole. Look at a cluster of students, make a point to them, adjust your vision, talk to another group.

Four, I found that lecturing using powerpoint slides kept me from getting too wrapped up in the ZOMGIMTEACHINGHELPME moments. It gave me an outline, and SOMETHING ELSE TO LOOK AT.
posted by strixus at 7:30 PM on September 24

What do you hate about teaching? Maybe we can think of ways to make that better.

Ms. Saint's response is pretty brilliant :)
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:37 PM on September 24

I think for most people, the first semester or two of teaching sucks. SUCKS. And then for most people, it gets less sucky. You start to learn from your mistakes and also from your successes; you start to get comfortable heading up a classroom. So no, please don't decide the fate of your whole grad school career based on six weeks of teaching-experience suckitude. You have to regard these weeks as being like the first crepe that you know will be no good. You get them out of the way, and know that things will be better later on.

Learning about teaching really helps. The less training and support you have, the harder it's going to be, so if training and support are not provided adequately by your department, seek them out on your own. Talk to other grad students who have been teaching the same classes before you. Ask to crib their syllabi and assignments. Ask for tips on getting through class. Form a weekly or every-two-weeks meeting group with other students who are teaching comparable classes currently; allow yourselves fifteen minutes at the start of the hour to vent your frustrations, then turn the agenda to presenting problems and brainstorming solutions. Does your university have something like a teaching lab or consultation service or resource center? Use it. Call them up and tell them that you feel overwhelmed and you need help. Is there a sympathetic or non-threatening professor whom you can enlist to sit in on your class one day and then discuss teaching strategies later?

You can ask Metafilter for help, too. You say that teaching causes you "intense nervousness"—can you break it down a little more specifically to say what parts of the teaching assignment make you most nervous? Is it a matter of doubting your own authority and feeling like a fraud? Is it something more like stage fright? Are you nervous about dealing with discipline issues? Are you getting negative feedback of some sort from students? Do you need help planning lectures, class discussions, or assignments? Maybe you can email a mod and elaborate on the situation, or maybe you can use your next week's AskMe allowance to ask us for advice on whatever is troubling you most.

It's hard for me to guess from your post what you most need help with, but here's a starter tip to try out, and see if it provides any relief: make sure that you are giving your students clear and specific praise when they do something, even a little thing, right. I think starting teachers—especially grad students like us, who are by definition high achievers—tend to take right answers and good behavior for granted, while stressing out about how to correct wrongness and deal with disciplinary problems. But undergrads need a lot of affirmation and encouragement; they need confirmation that they're on the right path, and they deserve acknowledgment that their positive contributions really make the class as whole work. So, if you're not deliberately doing this yet, try mustering the sincerity to say things like:

• "Yes, you got that answer exactly right! Good job."
• "You're going about solving this problem in the right way."
• "I like the way you're applying [thing we talked about last time] to [thing we're talking about today]."
• "You guys have done a good job today of [skill]. This is exactly what you'll need on the final exam. If you can do this, you can do the final."
• "That's a great question! You're thinking like a [ chemist | political scientist | historian | whatever ] now."
• "I can see you've done the reading. That's great. Just doing the reading is half the battle for success in this class."
• "Thank you for paying attention during the lecture today. I know it was on the long side, but the information was important."
• . . . and when students hand in homework or exams, say "thank you." It will feel wrong, because the work was mandatory and the honor of grading it hardly feels like a gift, but the students have done their part and it doesn't hurt to acknowledge that.

Looking for opportunities to praise students helps you see that the class isn't all that bad. (Trust me, from the stories I've heard, if furniture isn't getting thrown around and arrests aren't being made, then there has to be something good to say about your class.) The students will most likely warm up to the praise, and they'll give you better behavior and better effort in return. That makes it easier to find things to praise them for, and voila, you've got a virtuous cycle. Net result: everybody feels better about the class, including (hopefully!) you.
posted by Orinda at 9:17 PM on September 24 [2 favorites]

A week before the semester began I accepted an unexpected load in an unfamiliar subject, when the planned faculty member became ill. This was in a subject I had never formally studied, with books I had never seen, and I kept barely a week ahead of the students. I ended up doing well enough that the department later repeated impromptu assignments on me for two other courses for less compelling reasons, and a third one with my graduate peers, wooo. One desparate but successful ploy to buy time for myself was to assign students to choose a mini-presentation on a future syllabus topic. Each one proposed a first choice topic and second choice topic from later in the syllabus and I laid out a schedule. They were expected to present some perspectives from beyond the main textbook. I only had to pick up an inadequate presentation once each semester, and that was mainly a matter of posing questions that the student presenter neglected to pose. Students got in the habit of supportive discourse. And each one learned at least one topic very well.

At six weeks you may not have yet found how much you hate to grade student submissions. There are techniques and attitudes to pick up from other teachers for grading and for making gradeable assignments and exams in the first place. Ask. Once I got so overwhelmed that I just asked the department for a grader--and got one. When I had a 7:30 class with unmotivated sleepy students, I desperately seized on techniques to keep students tuned in each day, for example a 2 question quiz prepared for each day, which had a 50/50 chance of being given. Many unused questions ended up in a subsequent assessment so their prep effort and mine was not wasted.

I've not encountered anyone who became a great or even adequate teacher in a few weeks. This takes time. Besides learning how to teach--and making mistakes in that process--I discovered that teaching gave me perspectives on the subject I never would have gotten otherwise, and insights on how to be a better student and a better professional.
posted by gregoreo at 2:42 AM on September 25

I respect all the people who are trying to help you learn to enjoy, or at least tolerate, teaching, but to provide another perspective: I was once in your position, except that I didn't have to do nearly as much teaching. What teaching I did, however, I hated. Then (partly to take time off from a dissertation I hated, partly to be with a girlfriend) I spent a year teaching college, and discovered that yes, I really did hate teaching. (I once managed to lose an entire set of midterms, that's how much I hated it.) Confronted with the reality that a large part of being a professor (which is what you do with a PhD) is, in fact, teaching, plus the ever-increasing debt load and concomitant psychic stress, I dropped out of grad school and went on to "real life." I am not saying you should do the same, just letting you know that there's no shame in calling it quits if that comes to seem desirable.
posted by languagehat at 5:56 AM on September 25 [1 favorite]

Learning about teaching may help a lot. Check out whether your school offers any teaching training courses, and maybe talk to your advisor/committee members about teaching strategies.

I've been reading Advice for New Faculty Members mainly for writing stuff, but he has a section on teaching that might help. It has a focus on preventing classroom incivilities.

You are a little vague on what part of teaching causes anxiety. It may be that you haven't figured that out exactly yourself. Doing some reading/classes about teaching may help you figure out what it is that is really making this difficult, which in turn will indicate a) how to approach fixing it and b) if it's worth sticking out.

Good luck! If it helps at all, I have found that with all its frustration, working with students helps me feel connected to my discipline and my department. They often surprise me with interesting perspectives and great ideas.
posted by carmen at 6:51 AM on September 25

When I started teaching, I was terribly nervous every day. But eventually it became routine, just like everything else.

Give it time.
posted by sleepingcbw at 2:18 PM on September 25