What can/should I do to help my ex-bf during time of grief?

September 17, 2009 2:11 PM

Broke up with BF about 6 months ago, after dating for 6 months. It was for the best, but he had to end it. Now he is going through a severe personal crisis. I know he is not taking care of himself and I want to make a care package of food and take it to his house. Since he ended the relationship, would he consider this an attempt to reconcile? I just want to do something to help, not get reinvolved. What is appropriate?
posted by Goodgrief to Human Relations (41 answers total)

I'm with katherineg: Don't go over to his place yourself. Have it delivered, or consider something like sending a card.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:15 PM on September 17, 2009

Call one of his friends and get them to take the package over. Involving yourself, whether his personal crises has anything to do with you or not, might make it worse if you guys aren't already close friends.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:16 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Since he ended the relationship, would he consider this an attempt to reconcile?

Yep. But how did you find out about his severe personal crisis? If it was through him, then no, I don't think he will. If you heard from a friend, he will think it an attempt.
posted by cashman at 2:20 PM on September 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

You've been broken up as long as you were together, and HE broke it off? Don't do anything.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:20 PM on September 17, 2009 [14 favorites]

I think it depends on what your level of contact has been since the breakup. Are you friendly? Do you talk? If you've had contact, it would make it less likely that contact now would be misconstrued as at attempt at reconciliation.

Also, what are your goals in giving him the care package? Do you just want him to have the physical contents, or is your desire to provide him emotional support? If it's the former, having someone else deliver it is certainly the way to go, but I'm guessing your motivation has more to do with the latter.

Finally, before you get involved, be really sure about your motivations. If you do harbor some desire to get back together, it's probably a bad idea to go through with this, even if your intentions are not to pursue this desire.
posted by Cogito at 2:23 PM on September 17, 2009

Send it anonymously.
posted by hermitosis at 2:29 PM on September 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Do you have mutual friends? Maybe you can all get something together and go over as a group.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 2:36 PM on September 17, 2009

I think it sounds like a very kind gesture, and agree with the others that it might be a good idea to get someone else to deliver it - you can include a note that says "hey, I hear you are going through a rough time, and I wanted to help out, just as a friend. hope things get better soon"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:37 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: He told me via e-mail, I said I would help if needed, he said "thanks." I know he will not ask for help. I am sure he won't die or starve. Yes, I think that sending food would be my proxy for emotional support, but I feel like that is okay with me. Even though we didn't work as a couple, I still want to impart a message that "you are not alone in the world, your friends (including me) care about your well-being."
posted by Goodgrief at 2:40 PM on September 17, 2009

If you happen to see him as you're out and about, remark you'd heard he was going through a tough time and hope all is resolved and he is doing well.

Any other involvement is not necessary unless you've remained friends and communicate frequently ... and if that was the case you wouldn't be asking this question.

Difficult as it may seem, it really is okay to stop gifting your time, energy and emotion to former lovers.
posted by Allee Katze at 2:41 PM on September 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

Best answer: First and foremost, I'm nthing the request to have something delivered and include a note. What's appropriate? Food, a movie or two that would cheer him up, etc. Don't get anything too personal or too "romantic"-ish.

I do feel compelled to comment that I'm rather annoyed at the post by roomthreeseventeen as well as the favorites of it.

The original poster said herself that breaking it off was for the best. Breaking up doesn't mean you have to hate each other, and the person who breaks it off isn't always a big jerk/asshole undeserving of friendship. The bitter party that made and/or favorited that post should not be giving relationship advice to anyone until they grow up.
posted by twiggy at 2:42 PM on September 17, 2009 [18 favorites]

If he's suffered a death in the family or his house burned down or something like that, a food basket and a condolence note is appropriate. Have someone else do the delivery. Short of that, stay out of it.
posted by Wordwoman at 2:44 PM on September 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: This has been extremely helpful. Thanks! I will probably do less than I planned, and have it delivered.
posted by Goodgrief at 2:52 PM on September 17, 2009

Oh seriously, screw that.

If you are in a position to help someone you believe needs help, and this is genuinely an agenda-free effort to provide assistance, then do so. Drop the food off on your way to somewhere else, tell him he can always call or email if he needs anything, and be off.

Is there a remote chance he'll interpret it as a gesture of reconciliation? Sure. But it doesn't matter because it isn't. People misinterpret interpersonal stuff all the time; worlds do not implode, and thing have a way of clarifying themselves.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:53 PM on September 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

He told me via e-mail

Who emailed who first? Was he just replying to you, or did he initiate the email conversation to tell you about his crisis?
posted by amro at 2:54 PM on September 17, 2009

I agree with roomthreeseventeen that you should not doing anything. You say you know he won't die or starve. Then why get involved?

I have had impulses like this, and I think it was coming from the wrong place--a place of desire for reconciliation, whether or not I admitted that to anyone else, including myself. Would he feel the same urge to help you? If not, why do you feel it for him? It makes the relationship unbalanced. This seems very much like a Woman Who Does Too Much (I am assuming your gender here, apologies if I'm wrong but this seems so textbook I'm going with it).

I would help the exes I care about as friends if they asked me to. But I would not do what you're suggesting unsolicited. You are concerned that he will read something more into it, and I think your concern is well-founded.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 3:02 PM on September 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

If there is any part of you that needs something in return, don't do it.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 3:05 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Would you still consider this ex a friend? Genuinely a friend? Then of course you should go with your impulse to do something. Delivery of food and something else to cheer him up are fine; include a note or card saying you hope things start looking up and his friends have his back or something to that effect.

You're obviously still in contact, so it's not as if you're coming out of nowhere to try to reconnect or reconcile by way of being a shoulder to cry on.
posted by asciident at 3:07 PM on September 17, 2009

Just send a package if you want to. Hell, see him if you want to. At one point, you guys liked each other, right? Yea, and then you broke up. Oops. But that doesn't mean you have to never see or speak to one another again, or that you can't be there for him as a friend.

There's no reason for this to be a big deal, and if he thinks you want to reconcile and he brings it up to you in an e-mail or in person, you can tell him directly that's not what you really want at all. Problem solved.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 3:10 PM on September 17, 2009

I would help the exes I care about as friends if they asked me to. But I would not do what you're suggesting unsolicited. You are concerned that he will read something more into it, and I think your concern is well-founded.

Agreed.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:13 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Also, if I was in a situation where I was really over someone and they were going through a crisis and I thought sending them a fun package was a nice idea, I would just do it and not even wonder whether or not they would read ulterior motives into it. Because I would know personally there were no ulterior motives involved and that I was just doing it as a friendly, platonic gesture, you dig? If I were still into someone after breaking up with them and I sent them a package and I still had secret special feelings for them, I would be worried about what he would think of my gesture. The fact that you're asking this question kind of shows that this is a big deal to you. I don't like to second guess what OP's state in their own questions, but are you POSITIVE you don't want to get re-involved?
posted by SkylitDrawl at 3:21 PM on September 17, 2009 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: hmmm, I don't feel like there is a consensus here... this is harder than I thought.
posted by Goodgrief at 3:26 PM on September 17, 2009

Would he feel the same urge to help you? If not, why do you feel it for him? It makes the relationship unbalanced.

Ugh, really? You don't do anything for anyone ever if they might not do it back because the relationship would be "unbalanced"? I'll happily take an unbalanced relationship over keeping track of every little thing I've done for people in order to make sure that they properly reciprocate.

Goodgrief, send something if you think he'll feel a little better or his life will be a little easier for it. If it is misunderstood, you can clear that up later. I think it's nicer to be nice and misunderstood, than to worry about quid pro quos and remain aloof.
posted by oneirodynia at 3:34 PM on September 17, 2009 [2 favorites]

I don't think it's complicated, I think it's simple. If you look deep into yourself and you honestly don't think there's any motivation to reconcile on your part, you do it. End of story.

Worth noting that there are plenty of people on Metafilter — I mean sensible and reasonable people, not that guy with the Italian-sounding username who advises everyone to have affairs — who for some reason just don't get the idea of exes being real friends, maybe much realer friends than they were ever lovers. (I'm a strong, strong supporter of cutting off contact for a chunk of time, even when you do want to subsequently be friends, but this sounds like a special case.)
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 3:39 PM on September 17, 2009 [3 favorites]

i wasn't chiming in because it seemed like you were ignoring the bad/strange advice and going for the sound advice.

if it was an amicable break up (and it sounds like it was) and you guys are on friendly enough terms that he would share his troubles with you via email (like he did), then have someone deliver food with a note. keep it casual and non-emotional.

stop over thinking the plate of beans and just send them to him.

oneirodynia has the absolute right response to the unbalanced relationship nonsense.
posted by nadawi at 3:39 PM on September 17, 2009

I think people in this thread are seriously beanplating here.

You are concerned about a friend of yours and would like to help him out, so you should make him some food and bring it by his place.

In this case, I think it makes sense to support first and to worry about his interpretation of the support later.
posted by Aizkolari at 3:41 PM on September 17, 2009

You're first instinct to do much less than you had planned was right on.

Except....

You don't tell us what the trouble is for your ex or how he came to relay that news to you via email -- did you contact him or did he contact you? This is where the lack of consensus comes in among the answers. Those details are crucial.


FWIW, I personally suspect peanut, cheddar, & pink superhero are giving you the wisiest counsel. But I can see a happy middle option. So I double triple your instinct to scale back the gesture while still making one;))
posted by jbenben at 3:45 PM on September 17, 2009

the only reason i suggest delivery over taking it yourself is sometimes when people are having a hard time, figuring out how to react appropriately to a kind gesture is difficult. it puts pressure on the person receiving your kindness to be the right amount of thankful and gracious. for some people this comes easily, for others it's a little more difficult. by sending the food by delivery they just get the nice thing without the immediate interpersonal stuff.
posted by nadawi at 3:47 PM on September 17, 2009

You say you know he won't die or starve. Then why get involved?

Because they are friends. That's what friends do, they deliberately involve themselves in each others' lives, particularly when one of them needs bucking up.

It's hard to go wrong by demonstrating that you care about someone. Bringing food to grieving acquaintances is a pretty standard practice, and hard to misinterpret; there is very little romance in tuna-noodle casserole. As long as you don't address him as "Sugar" and write "I LOVE YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN" on the bottom of the cake dish, I think you'll be fine.
posted by Commander Rachek at 4:02 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

You say you know he won't die or starve. Then why get involved?

Because when someone is struggling with grief, it is the compassionate thing to extend care to them.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:33 PM on September 17, 2009

I'm alarmed by the amount of withholding in this thread. While I side with the folks that note that if she has to second-guess herself on this it may mean she is hoping for an alternative outcome by showing compassion, it is still a courteous thing to do, especially if a good portion of other friends and family are in the dark about his rut.

And if nothing else, perhaps he doesn't acknowledge it as much as you would have wished, but in a few years you will look back and say "Wow, that was incredibly selfless of me (despite possible ulterior motives). I wish I did that more often/That was a real pivot in my life."

Or perhaps he doesn't acknowledge it as much as you would have wished, but in a few years he'll look back and say "Wow, that was a really sweet thing she did, man I feel like an asshole for dumping her*/it's nice to know people like that exist."
*Sarcasm, guys!

I'd have whatever it is delivered with a handwritten note that simply says "If you need anything, let me know," and leave it at that. No cutesy little heart, no emphasis or underlines, no follow-up email a few days later -- nothing that could even be interpreted as you reaching out.. even if you aren't.

Admittedly when someone compliments me or does something that could possibly be taken the wrong way, I think they're after something. It's unfortunate that a lot of us have this same mentality and even worse that we don't break it by being genuinely concerned for others -- regardless -- more frequently. I just sit and wait for them to do something that I can point fingers at and say, "I told you so! And no, not happenin'!"

Don't give him that luxury. Let him make any and all reverberations.
posted by june made him a gemini at 5:36 PM on September 17, 2009

Another vote for doing the nice thing. Help out a friend.
posted by orme at 5:52 PM on September 17, 2009

hmmm, I don't feel like there is a consensus here... this is harder than I thought.

Well, the fundamental fact is that you're going to have to decide for yourself, in the end, who you want to agree with. It's most likely that you'll decide based on what you already wanted to do. That tends to be what I see happen with these kind of relationship questions. The problem is that you've given precious little information that could help us guide you to a good answer, frankly, other than the fact that he isn't about to die or starve.

But, let me try and frame it in terms of questions you could ask yourself or answer for us that may be helpful:

1) Why should you provide either emotional or financial help? I know you've said you want to provide something to show him that his friends, "including you," care about his well-being, but why, honestly, should you be doing that? See question #2:

2) What is your current relationship with him and what, based on that, should you be providing him? Where do you want your relationship with him to go (or not go)?

3) If you don't provide him with something, what will happen to him? Will he die or starve (based on what you've said, no)? Why, therefore, do you need to give him something (see questions #1, and #2)?

You're the only one who can answer these questions (and there is really actually only one question: which is why are you asking us for permission to give this guy some stuff?). We don't know what he means to you, why you guys broke up, etc., so we can't really reasonably answer these questions. And frankly, I don't think anyone giving you strong opinions in either direction has any real clue what's going on: this question is more like a lense exposing the perspectives of the folks commenting, methinks, since you've exposed yourself so little.
posted by dubitable at 6:23 PM on September 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

Doing something nice for someone you care about, and with whom you have mostly lost touch, in crisis is nice.

Making them a "care package" is a gesture of caring that seems inappropriately intimate and personal to me for anyone except a current friend.

As others have said, you know best. What would you do for, say, a friend that you have been out of touch with for a couple of years (because friend-out-of-touch time has a longer scale than post-breakup time)?

I don't know what your "care packages" are like. I don't know if what you mean is "make him a casserole a la the casserole you might make for a neighbor in crisis." To me, "care package" means "specially chosen things based on very personal understanding of the other party" and that for me would be too much in that situation.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:07 PM on September 17, 2009

Best answer: As long as there is no danger of emotional damage to you or to him (and really, it seems like that is a non-issue here) don't second guess the impulse to do something nice for someone else.

A care package that you drop off or have delivered is thoughtful and considerate - it is not a declaration of anything other than that you wish him well. These are the kinds of things people do for workmates and neighbors they barely know.

Go with your gut - you wanted to do something nice.
posted by Weaslegirl at 7:14 PM on September 17, 2009

Even though we didn't work as a couple, I still want to impart a message that "you are not alone in the world, your friends (including me) care about your well-being."

As a combined effort with one or more of his other friends protects you on many levels. There is no reasonable risk of being misunderstood relationship wise, any thank you's will be shared with others making it less awkward, etc.

A combined effort will also help him more, because it brings more resources to bear on his problems (financial, emotional, etc.).

If it is worth doing by yourself, it is worth seeking out some of his friends to do even more.
posted by Chuckles at 9:35 PM on September 17, 2009

Goodgrief, send something if you think he'll feel a little better or his life will be a little easier for it. If it is misunderstood, you can clear that up later. I think it's nicer to be nice and misunderstood, than to worry about quid pro quos and remain aloof.

This is the truth. You haven't really mentioned how bad the breakup was or if he still has feelings for you, but I doubt, if he ended it, that he hates you or would regard this as an intrusion. Do it, and clear up any misunderstandings later.
posted by saysthis at 1:04 AM on September 18, 2009

I can tell you about the same story, seen other side: I once broke up with a girlfriend, fell into a depression a year later, and she helped me out. Neither of us thought of it as an attempt to get together again: she didn't intend it, and I was too depressed to care, and could really use the help. We are the best of friends now.

So count my vote for your bringing casserole and fresh fruit.
posted by kandinski at 6:04 AM on September 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Ugh, really? You don't do anything for anyone ever if they might not do it back because the relationship would be "unbalanced"? I'll happily take an unbalanced relationship over keeping track of every little thing I've done for people in order to make sure that they properly reciprocate.

Sure, I don't keep track in my friendships of who does what. But this is an ex, someone who broke up with her, and while she says she cares about him as a friend, I feel that there's a lot being unsaid that indicates she's not quite over it, namely that she's concerned (hoping?) that he'll see it as a bid for reconciliation. In my experience, such a situation requires selfishness simply for emotional self-protection.

And as sidhedevil says, a care package does not equal a casserole that you would give to a neighbor going through a rough time. The OP can say what she wants to say with a simple card ("You're in my thoughts") so why go to an extreme that might kindle thoughts of reconciliation if that's really not what she intends?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:40 AM on September 18, 2009

I think that if YOU feel like you should do something then yes send a basket or send him an email or note......I would not think this is a bad gesture regardless of whether you guys have broken up or not.....I remember when the very very public company of mine was shown on tv as being bailed out or going through bankruptcy and i remember each person who called me to find out whether I was going to be ok.....I remember one of my exes left me a message letting me know that everything was going to be fine....hearing it from her made a whole world of a difference, I never called her back but I did send her an email a couple of weeks later acknowledging the gesture....Neither of us was eager to get back with the other but it is nice to know that there are still people out there who care....
posted by The1andonly at 7:27 AM on September 18, 2009 [1 favorite]

This comes down to what do you you feel best about? What makes you feel like the person you are, like the woman you like to be?

Do you prefer being the woman who can selflessly reach out to him, 6 months later, in spite of him being the one who ended the relationship?

Do you prefer being the woman who can feel bad for her ex, think, well, he's not going to starve, and carry on with your life without looking back?

Either one is totally valid, it depends on you, your experiences, and of course, the relationship.
posted by Locochona at 8:41 PM on September 18, 2009