How to have sex?

September 7, 2009 2:22 PM

With sex - the male-female penis-in-vagina type - I'm not really sure what to do. If he's on top, do I just lie there? If I wrap my legs around him, doesn't that impede his thrusting? What feels best to a guy? Legs over shoulders? Ankles crossed? What should I do with my hands? If I'm on top, what movements should I make? Grind? Up and down? HELP!

I'm a hetero female who has been sexually active for 9 years and is currently in a relationship having amazing (oral) sex. I don't orgasm from intercourse and feel insecure about the act itself, as my bf is much more experienced than me. Any advice would be much appreciated!

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 answers total)

Talk to your partner. Then listen to him.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:25 PM on September 7, 2009 [7 favorites]

Ask him. Ask him, does this feel good? Ask him, am I putting you off your rhythm? Ask him, what would you like to try? (I could tell you that a guy I know like legs wrapped round his waist, but your guy might hate it.) Ask him.
posted by b33j at 2:26 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Everyone is different and likes different things, the only way you're going to find out what he likes is to ask him.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:34 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

As a general rule, if your partner is dominant (i.e., on top, generally, or taking the lead), you should hold your hips still (in a receptive way), unless you're confident of/practiced at matching rhythms. This goes both ways, so if you're on top and doing the moving, he should hold still. Generally that's more than sufficient for things to work, and you avoid irritating mismatched rhythms throwing things off. As for the position of your legs, try a bunch and see which you find best. For your arms, just put them around him if he's on top and you don't know what else to do with him.

But as a more general rule, ask your boyfriend what he'd like, and don't be afraid to express your own wishes or preferences. Great sex is 10% technique, 90% communication.
posted by fatbird at 2:38 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

This may be info overload, but you can take a look at this long list of different positions with animated graffics and commetary on what people like and how it feels. Totally NSFW.
posted by saffry at 2:45 PM on September 7, 2009 [13 favorites]

What feels best to a guy?

By which you mean -- all guys? A generic guy? All men are different; all men enjoy different things in bed.

The real question here is: What's going to feel best to this particular guy? And that's going to depend on a lot of variables: his own turn-ons, his own unique bodily dimensions and how his body works with your own unique body in the act of having sex.

You're going to have to ask him. As a stranger on the Internet, I can offer some general advice but, if it's your boyfriend's pleasure and sensations that concern you, you're going to have to ask him because we out here aren't privy to that information. Don't be intimidated by his experience. This is something beautiful and fun that you're doing together; you're working together to make it wonderful and you need to communicate in order to do that.

Personally, I think that showing an interest in what I enjoy, in making sex wonderful for me is totally fucking hot.
posted by jason's_planet at 3:04 PM on September 7, 2009

Nthing the "ask him" response. Seriously. The more you ya'll open up and discuss things you like to do/have the other person do, the more awesome your sex will be.

Also regarding what to do with your hands: If you are ever in a position where it is possible to rub your clit, do that. In my experience this has the dual benefit of being, y'know, real good for me, and also exponentially turning my guy on. Otherwise, things that work for me when I'm on the bottom include stroking the guys arms, clawing his back, grabbing his thighs, or touching my boobs (like rubbing the clit, this roundly proves to be a fun thing for the guy to be seeing while he's doing his thing on top of you).

When you're on top, pretty much investigate what feels good to you. This may be grinding, or up-and-down, or whatever. When you're in the driver's seat, see what you like first, and do that. Odds are if he can see that you are driving yourself wild on top of him, he will not have too many complaints. And once you figure out how you like it when you're on top, start asking him what he'd like you to do while you're up there. He'll have some ideas.

And for the love of god, please don't feel bad about not orgasming during penetrative sex! The potential for this is, as I understand it, fairly dependent on the natural construction of your lady parts, not on any skill that you or your partner may possess. Millions of women (myself included) share this...trait? I almost wrote "problem," but it's not even an actual problem. You are totally fine. You are golden, in fact, given the amazing oral sex, which for many people does not ever really rise above mediocre to adequate.

Just keep doin' what you're doin', and have fun, and remember that communication is the key to great fucking.
posted by hegemone at 3:06 PM on September 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

For all sex: Try something for a minute. Pay very close attention to how his body responds. Try something else. Take more mental notes. Trial and error and trial and error and trial and error until you get it right. And then try and err some more. It's fun.

Also, to echo/summarize some of the above: not much is sexier than lying there and saying "TELL ME what to do."
posted by rokusan at 3:13 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I wrap my legs around him, doesn't that impede his thrusting? What feels best to a guy? Legs over shoulders? Ankles crossed?

I like cheese. There are certain types of cheese I particularly like (stilton) but I also enjoy the variety of different types - indeed, there are very few cheeses I don't like. And different people have different preferences; this guy you're talking to on the internet may like stilton, but your partner might prefer brie.

Sex is similar; I particularly like the intimacy of having my partner's legs wrapped around me, but I like the other things you've suggested too, and your partner might have different preferences to me.

There is one thing I can suggest that is pretty much universal, though; nobody likes being hit in the nose hard by their partner's heel.
posted by Mike1024 at 3:16 PM on September 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

How about experimenting with all of the above and do what feels good to *you*!
Also, communicating with your partner is fundamental.
Guide to Getting it On would be very valuable to you.

Enjoy, have fun, talk!
posted by 6:1 at 3:24 PM on September 7, 2009

First, you drink a half-bottle of wine...

I kid. Basically, you go with however it feels best. Don't worry about him. If you're going for what feels great to you, he will more-than-willingly hang-on for the ride. It's a give and take, of course. Go for yours, then take a break and let him lead. It's a dance of equals. Try whatever comes to mind. This will be sure to elicit both pleasure and laughter.

Have fun.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:30 PM on September 7, 2009

This is not your fault. I will wager he's not very good at it. Just being experienced means nothing. It just means he's not made other women orgasm, either.

What feels good for a guy? Everything feels good to us. We're running the show here. People will disagree because it's not a p.c. thing to say- but women love a take-charge guy. I have a feeling he's too passive.


It's a dance of equals.

It really really truly is not. Not when it comes to scratching that itch every woman has.
posted by Zambrano at 4:00 PM on September 7, 2009

As an aside... if you haven't been able to orgasm during penetrative sex, you might try *ahem* giving yourself a hand, so to speak. Many many women that don't easily (or ever) finish during hands-free regular penetrative sex help themselves out, (have their partners help them out) by stimulating your clitoris with your hand while you are having sex. It may just be that your clit is not getting enough awesome rubbing action to help put you over the top.

I don't know why women don't talk about this more... they just assume that everyone is having movie star hands free orgasms while they're not.

P.S. As an added bonus, men seem to find this extremely hot.
posted by veronicacorningstone at 4:02 PM on September 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'll nth the "half bottle of wine"... relax, it will be ok... be loving, it will work.
posted by HuronBob at 4:04 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

What feels good for a guy? Everything feels good to us. We're running the show here. People will disagree because it's not a p.c. thing to say- but women love a take-charge guy. I have a feeling he's too passive.


This contribution has more to do with the commenter's masculinity issues than anything else and for that reason, should be ignored.

This one, for example: Everything feels good to us. is just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I am a guy. I've been sexually active for -- oh, god, has it really been -- twenty years now? And not everything feels good to me.
posted by jason's_planet at 4:27 PM on September 7, 2009 [13 favorites]

Do you even like it? Why do you do it? Figure out what makes you feel good. If you're into it, he will (if he's not a selfish guy) be into your pleasure.

Start listening to Dan Savage, he is the wisest man on earth when it comes to sex...as well as extremely entertaining. www.thestranger.com/savage
posted by beccyjoe at 4:27 PM on September 7, 2009

"As an aside... if you haven't been able to orgasm during penetrative sex, you might try *ahem* giving yourself a hand, so to speak. Many many women that don't easily (or ever) finish during hands-free regular penetrative sex help themselves out, (have their partners help them out) by stimulating your clitoris with your hand while you are having sex. It may just be that your clit is not getting enough awesome rubbing action to help put you over the top."

There are some small vibrators that you can use for this as well...
posted by kathrineg at 4:42 PM on September 7, 2009

Improvise. Experiment. Be silly. Be sexy. Be ridiculous. Be totally fucking random. Then see what works.
posted by paultopia at 4:43 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

anonymous: my bf is much more experienced than me...

He isn't any more experienced at having sex with you than you are at having sex with him.
posted by koeselitz at 4:43 PM on September 7, 2009 [19 favorites]

It's all about finding what makes both of you happy. I know that with the other person on top is supposed to be the position that men last the longest in, for whatever reason, so that might be a position where it's more about you than it is about him.

Personally, when my wife is up there, that's where I really make my money, metaphorically speaking, and after that, she's pretty cool with whatever. So, yeah. Just get on top, honey, and figure it out from there. Best of luck.
posted by elder18 at 5:34 PM on September 7, 2009

The advice to communicate -- to ask him what feels nice -- is good, but it does assume that he can articulate what feels good to him. Honestly, that can be really hard to do -- not everyone has the comfort, the vocabulary, or the ability to explain clearly how someone else could or should be moving during sex. I'm not saying don't ask him -- just that it shouldn't be totally surprising if he says "oh, it's all good" or "I dunno, just do what you do but make it better."

So more than just communication, you want experimentation. Try different movements, looking for what feels good for him and feels good for you. Sometimes those are the same things, sometimes not, and it's ok to mix and match as long as both people end up happy at the end of the evening.

There might be some value in watching some porn, especially the totally amateur home-made videos that people seem to be so happy to put online. Not so much that you should be emulating some pornstar, but rather simply to acquire a larger sense of what goofy things people get up to while they're fucking. There's dozens of variations of, say, "woman on top", from laying prone to reverse cowgirl to acrobatic twirly stuff and beyond, and maybe it would be useful to watch some people try them out to see what is possible. But never forget how just because something works great for someone else, that has nothing to do with whether it will work or not for you.
posted by Forktine at 6:16 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

If he's on top, do I just lie there?

IANYBoyfriend, but I would find it more enjoyable if you moved too. Each time I push you, you push me back. We get a rhythm going. As things heat up, the pace may quicken. (But if you push to the beat of a different drummer, I wouldn't find that enjoyable at all.)
posted by exphysicist345 at 9:39 PM on September 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

For heaven's sake, there are no "rules" for sex. Having said that, as a man I'll tell you I've never complained about having legs wrapped around me during intercourse. "Impede" my thrusting? I accept the challenge! No movement or reaction would read to me as "not that interested." Anything else- hell, try it, see what works. MOST women do not come from basic intercourse! You can get yourself off by masturbating during intercourse, using a vibrator, whatever. You can get off on oral and then let him finish off by intercourse, why not? Don't be ashamed! Don't be shy! Sex is fun! Ask questions, answer questions, talk dirty, do whatever feels good, go with the flow! NO decent man will EVER take it amiss for his partner to explore ongoing sex as a learning experience to maximize pleasure. It doesn't quite mesh? There's always next time!
posted by nanojath at 9:54 PM on September 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

My $o.o2: Ignore everything you read in this thread or are told by anyone other than your boyfriend. All that matters is that you and your boyfriend are enjoying yourselves and enjoying each other. He is a unique person. Anything we tell you about ourselves may be the complete opposite of what he finds pleasurable with you. The "with you" part is important because sex is different with different people. It can be VERY different with different people, in fact.

Have fun. Enjoy yourself and enjoy him. Let him do whatever you feel comfortable with so he can enjoy you. Have fun.
posted by 2oh1 at 11:10 PM on September 7, 2009

In addition to communication: Practice, practice, practice.
posted by Xoebe at 7:00 AM on September 8, 2009

Just because he's more experienced doesn't mean he knows what he's doing with you. Try different things and find what works best for you two - and make sure to include yourself in that! You want to find how to do it that feels best for YOU, not just him.
posted by tamaraster at 10:47 AM on September 8, 2009

What any smart, sexy, loving and thoughtful guy really wants is what you want - the exact same thing he wants for himself - everything you want and need to have the best time ever.

You're probably have things you like and don't like, so does he.

Let's start at the beginning.

First ask yourself what you want, really think about it and then also verbally ask what he wants and likes. Talk about it. Ask him to think about it and talk about it.

Talk about your insecurity as well - he may also be feeling inadequate and insecure about not being able to bring you to orgasm this way. If you express that you're feeling insecure it may relieve some of the pressure you're feeling.

Talking about it is the most important part. Everything after this point is an accessory.

Since you're into oral, do you need more clitoral stimulation? Do you or he use your hands while also having sex? What about bringing a vibrator into play between the two of you? It's fucking fantastic. He shouldn't feel threatened or inadequate. Tell him he should think of it as a happy fun time electronic gadget - there's a lot of really nice mutual stimulation in a "missionary" position for the guy if you use a vibrator on your clit, or almost anywhere else. (It doesn't have to be a phallic-looking vibrator. They make non-penis shaped egg vibrators and all kinds of stuff for mutual sex play.)

Is he worried about putting too much weight on you or mistakenly assuming you're too fragile? Do you want more weight and pressure - or do you want less? Are you comfortable? Is he? If not, use pillows, talk about comfort and not having to work so hard. Get technical. Get sex pillows - those wedges and blocks or even a sling. Google "sex pillow" and "sex furniture".

In any position having penetrative sex shouldn't be mechanical. We're not talking about a car piston, a jackhammer, elevator shaft, hydraulic piston or other power tools. They did an MRI study of a couple having intercourse - and of course if you really think about it - things are decidedly a bit... floppy and flexible. Good sex is not like plowing a field - it's flexible. The penis curves and bends a lot inside the vagina and the mutual pelvic bones and muscles do a lot of complicated interactions. They change shape a lot as they interact.

So it stand to reason a that some of the most stimulating penetrative sex is from more complicated movements where all of these parts come into play. (No pun intended. I swear. Do you have any idea how hard it is to write about sex and not sound like you're trying to make naughty puns all the time?)

If he's on top, do I just lie there?

Personally? No. I mean there's nothing wrong with it if it's mutually satisfying, but... usually not.

If I wrap my legs around him, doesn't that impede his thrusting?

Not at all! In fact it can help. Use your legs. Don't worry about being too rough. Grab and use leverage. I'd ask before kicking your heels in like you were spurring a horse on, but you could probably go almost that far with most guys.

What feels best to a guy? Legs over shoulders? Ankles crossed? What should I do with my hands? If I'm on top, what movements should I make? Grind? Up and down? HELP!

Ask your guy! It's different for everyone. Talk about it. Generally - all of the above!

Use your hands to touch him. If he's sitting up, hold or stroke his hips or around his penis, or use one hand to touch your clit while you stroke and touch around his penis. If he's lying down on top of you, touch his back and shoulders, stroke his neck, touch his hair. Touch his nipples, too. After all, male nipples are only good for one thing.

If you're having trouble with timing thrusts and counter-thrusts - put on some music. Start slow - if you can actually manage to stay slow, slow is really nice. Talk about it. Think about it like swinging on a swing - you have to use your senses and think about it, develop a rhythm. Heck, take dance classes or hand-drumming classes together, or other musical/rhythmic activities - it's a closely related skill set, like jazz and improvisation. Get creative.

My personal favorite position for on top would be on my knees with my partners legs wrapped around my hips and pulled so close she's practically in my lap with my knees spread wide behind her hips, bent over with my arms tucked under her shoulders with my hands at the back of her neck or shoulders, or cradling her head. It's really close and intimate, there's a lot of leverage for grinding and sliding around plus the flexibility to still arch and move around, we can kiss and neck, see each others eyes, hold hands, pull hair, etc.

Also, I'm going to assume you tried being on top. If not, why not? You should.

Ok. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette while taking a cold shower and thinking of England.
posted by loquacious at 1:24 PM on September 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

....Okay, I'll bite:

It really really truly is not [equal]. Not when it comes to scratching that itch every woman has.

Do tell, Zambrano, what exactly is that itch that "every woman has"?

To the OP:

Just try stuff. Try wrapping your legs around him, try moving. Try different stuff.

If he doesn't like it, the worst that will happen is that he'll say, "would you mind not doing that? I don't like it." And you know what? That's okay when that happens. I've had arguably more sexual experience than you, and I still have guys tell me this time to time when I try some Patented Move that the particular guy I'm with doesn't like. No big deal -- now I know he doesn't like it, and I try something else.

The reason why i keep trying stuff anyway is because it's also possible that instead of saying "I don't like that," the guy will go, "WHOA! What are you doing? That's AMAZING!" and then he gets really enthusiastic and the sex gets even better and everyone's happy.

Just try stuff. There's no right or wrong, there's no 'what every guy likes'. There's not even "the one itch that every woman has," and there's certainly more than one way to scratch any itch. There's only what works for you and a given partner, and what doens't work for you and a given partner.

And incidentally, a lot of women don't orgasm from intercourse. Don't be self-conscious about that either. Sex is playtime, and if you can get off one way, great; and if you try to get off a diferent way but don't, well, hell, it sure was fun trying, wasn't it?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:23 PM on September 9, 2009