do we buy a wedding or a house?
June 13, 2009 7:59 AM Subscribe
how important was your wedding to you? (not the marriage, the wedding) if you had a big affair, did you regret not spending the money on something more practical? if you had a small affair, did you regret not including more people? if you eloped or had a microwedding, did you wish you had done more to mark the occasion?
my parents have generously offered my future husband and i a tidy sum of money (about $15K, give or take whatever the market is doing that day) that we can use for our wedding, honeymoon, and/or down payment on a house. (we currently own a very cheap, tiny, run-down house in a neighborhood neither one of us likes very much. even without the extra cash, we could afford a new, better house in a neighborhood we like better, but we recently had to run down our savings to make some necessary repairs to the house, so the cash would help us recoup those two years of savings)
so, we could:
a) blow most of it on a big wedding, including everyone we'd ever want to invite (about 200 people)
-pro: we'd get to see all our friends and family (we have large families and we actually like most of them), and it would be fun.
-con: i just can't wrap my head around spending $7-$10K on a single night.
b) somehow pare down our guest list to something more modest
-pro: would allow us to mark the event with a sense of occasion
-con: we'd have to deal with the politics of guest lists and very well may have to leave off people we really love for the sake of family harmony. for these reasons, the least desirable option.
c) have a tiny wedding with just immediate family, thereby avoiding the guest list issue altogether, go out with our local friends later, and use the bulk of the cash to upgrade our living situation.
-pro: we'd have something nicer and more comfortable to come home to every single day
-con: we wouldn't get to share the day with people we like and love and enjoy being with.
i realize that this is one of those decisions only we can make. but, i would be interested in hearing the experiences of others for extra insight as we think through it.
my parents have generously offered my future husband and i a tidy sum of money (about $15K, give or take whatever the market is doing that day) that we can use for our wedding, honeymoon, and/or down payment on a house. (we currently own a very cheap, tiny, run-down house in a neighborhood neither one of us likes very much. even without the extra cash, we could afford a new, better house in a neighborhood we like better, but we recently had to run down our savings to make some necessary repairs to the house, so the cash would help us recoup those two years of savings)
so, we could:
a) blow most of it on a big wedding, including everyone we'd ever want to invite (about 200 people)
-pro: we'd get to see all our friends and family (we have large families and we actually like most of them), and it would be fun.
-con: i just can't wrap my head around spending $7-$10K on a single night.
b) somehow pare down our guest list to something more modest
-pro: would allow us to mark the event with a sense of occasion
-con: we'd have to deal with the politics of guest lists and very well may have to leave off people we really love for the sake of family harmony. for these reasons, the least desirable option.
c) have a tiny wedding with just immediate family, thereby avoiding the guest list issue altogether, go out with our local friends later, and use the bulk of the cash to upgrade our living situation.
-pro: we'd have something nicer and more comfortable to come home to every single day
-con: we wouldn't get to share the day with people we like and love and enjoy being with.
i realize that this is one of those decisions only we can make. but, i would be interested in hearing the experiences of others for extra insight as we think through it.
Seconding the small wedding option. Here's why:
The Day Of....you're going to be in a whirlwind of last-minute things, friendly faces, countdowns, well-wishers, etc. It will be kind of a blur, really. For one day out of your life.
BUT...if you spend the 15K on either the house or the honeymoon, it will just be the two of you enjoying each other's company without any distractions and logistics other than "where should we put the couch?", or "Hey - I read about this amazing cafe on the Left Bank in Underground Paris, let's go there!"
Put the most money where you'll have the most peace, the most memories and the most time. The wedding should be done as cheaply and intimately as possible.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:06 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
The Day Of....you're going to be in a whirlwind of last-minute things, friendly faces, countdowns, well-wishers, etc. It will be kind of a blur, really. For one day out of your life.
BUT...if you spend the 15K on either the house or the honeymoon, it will just be the two of you enjoying each other's company without any distractions and logistics other than "where should we put the couch?", or "Hey - I read about this amazing cafe on the Left Bank in Underground Paris, let's go there!"
Put the most money where you'll have the most peace, the most memories and the most time. The wedding should be done as cheaply and intimately as possible.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:06 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I also vote for C, with your very best friends perhaps serving as bridesmaids and groomsmen. You can always party later, and your wedding day will go by in a blur as it is.
We still remember our wedding with fondness, occasionally view the DVD (complete with the best man's offer a giveaway car recorded for posterity), but we definitely didn't go overboard, and starting out your life together in debt is no way to enjoy a wedding! Besides, the wedding is just a day, the marriage is forever. It's good that you're already looking down the road to how your life together will be spent.
posted by misha at 8:13 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
We still remember our wedding with fondness, occasionally view the DVD (complete with the best man's offer a giveaway car recorded for posterity), but we definitely didn't go overboard, and starting out your life together in debt is no way to enjoy a wedding! Besides, the wedding is just a day, the marriage is forever. It's good that you're already looking down the road to how your life together will be spent.
posted by misha at 8:13 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I personally found a lot of unexpected meaning in being surrounded by friends and family on our wedding day. I'd thought I didn't really care about it, and would be happy to elope, but it was really a beautiful thing. Also, my son, age 2, now looks through my wedding album regularly, asks who everyone is, and talks about "the day Mommy and Daddy got married," which I remember doing with my parents' album, too, so that's an aspect of continued meaning.
That said, our wedding cost a few times what your most expensive option would, with fewer than half the guests (about 75), and I feel now that it didn't need to. We could have done things differently, and had the same group assembled, but for less money. A friend had her wedding in a public park, with food from Costco, and had a large group for less money than we spent on 75 guests. Flowers were minimal (just for her bouquet).
Personally, I'd vote for option (a), and having a great party outside the usual wedding strictures. Bonus: make it crystal-clear that it will NOT be a traditional catered 'do, and you may have a bunch of attrition from the "I spent $100 on that wedding gift, and they're not even having it in a hotel!" crowd.
I do think it's worth having friends and family assembled to witness the wedding.
posted by palliser at 8:16 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
That said, our wedding cost a few times what your most expensive option would, with fewer than half the guests (about 75), and I feel now that it didn't need to. We could have done things differently, and had the same group assembled, but for less money. A friend had her wedding in a public park, with food from Costco, and had a large group for less money than we spent on 75 guests. Flowers were minimal (just for her bouquet).
Personally, I'd vote for option (a), and having a great party outside the usual wedding strictures. Bonus: make it crystal-clear that it will NOT be a traditional catered 'do, and you may have a bunch of attrition from the "I spent $100 on that wedding gift, and they're not even having it in a hotel!" crowd.
I do think it's worth having friends and family assembled to witness the wedding.
posted by palliser at 8:16 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Look at this way: within your family and circle of friends, how much emotional stock do people put into weddings? Do they often tell stories or reminisce about particularly good, bad, or memorable ones? Years later, do they hold grudges about not being invited? Do they compare the gifts that people gave and judge them on that basis?
And ask yourselves the same questions. Consider a few weddings of really close friends or family members that you have attended. How quickly did the memories fade (or not)? Did you view the invitation as an honor or kind of a burden (scheduling, travel, gift-buying, etc)?
I suspect that unless you, your family, and friends put a lot of stock and care into weddings, guest lists, and gifts, Option C is probably the best course. Ultimately a wedding is a party. It celebrates a fairly unique event, true, but it's still a party. If parties, family reunions, and other similar occasions are exceedingly important, then Option A may be best.
In my experience, however, the kind of family that puts that much value on a single event like a wedding is pretty rare, and most people, rather than begrudging you spending the money on improving your lot in life, would be envious of the opportunity.
posted by jedicus at 8:18 AM on June 13, 2009
And ask yourselves the same questions. Consider a few weddings of really close friends or family members that you have attended. How quickly did the memories fade (or not)? Did you view the invitation as an honor or kind of a burden (scheduling, travel, gift-buying, etc)?
I suspect that unless you, your family, and friends put a lot of stock and care into weddings, guest lists, and gifts, Option C is probably the best course. Ultimately a wedding is a party. It celebrates a fairly unique event, true, but it's still a party. If parties, family reunions, and other similar occasions are exceedingly important, then Option A may be best.
In my experience, however, the kind of family that puts that much value on a single event like a wedding is pretty rare, and most people, rather than begrudging you spending the money on improving your lot in life, would be envious of the opportunity.
posted by jedicus at 8:18 AM on June 13, 2009
Well, Mr. WanKenobi and I just decided like a week ago that we're having a "real" wedding instead of eloping. We've set a date for four months from now.
I put the word real in quotation marks because, compared to most weddings I've been to or heard about, ours is going to be stunningly small and (we hope) inexpensive. Our goal is less than a thousand dollars. As per advice I've read here on metafilter, we're thinking about our wedding as a party rather than a wedding. We're inviting between thirty and forty people. A friend has donated her backyard for our use. His mom is paying for the booze. We have several friends who are photographers who we'll be asking to take pictures (who needs that bride-is-pretending-to-put-on-lipstick posed stuff, anyway?). The biggest costs will be the officiant, if we decide not to have a friend marry us via internet ordination, and food.
Both friends and family will be invited, but they'll only be friends and family whom we're really exceptionally close to emotionally. This is made easier by the fact that we have fairly small families, but we're also not inviting second cousins and aunts we haven't spoken to in years. I don't think I know 200 people, honestly. Sure, I've met 200 people in my life, but really know them? And I've been to a ton of weddings where the couple don't get to enjoy themselves because they're too busy catching up with extended family who they haven't seen in years. That's not us, and that's not our idea of fun. Our idea of fun is eating and dancing and maybe drunkenly playing boardgames with our friends (yes, there will be boardgames).
Since this is a party, I still think it'll be a ton of fun. And for us, the "occasion" is the occasion of publicly declaring our love for one another in front of the people we love. But we're also pretty weird people and a pretty non-traditional couple. We don't want to throw a prom; that's not us, but maybe it's you, and maybe not doing it would be something you regret.
But you might want to take a look at offbeatbride and intimate weddings to get a sense of some of the really terrific, meaningful, and memorable things people do on a budget. "Inexpensive" doesn't have to mean getting married alone at city hall.
Oh and regarding this: "we'd have to deal with the politics of guest lists and very well may have to leave off people we really love for the sake of family harmony. for these reasons, the least desirable option." I'd treat that in the same way I'd treat the guestlist at any event. Invite who you want, regardless of their social drama. If they make a nasty comment to you about it, tell them that both parties mean a lot to you, so it's important to you to invite them. If they feel they can't go because of that, tell them you understand but that you'll miss them terribly. Really, I think all of that socially navigating is sort of ridiculous--people should be able to behave themselves around one another for the sake of a big, happy event, and it's not your job to keep lists of who hates one another and who doesn't. And in that sort of situation, you're undoubtedly going to hurt just as many feelings leaving people off the list as you would if you included them.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:19 AM on June 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
I put the word real in quotation marks because, compared to most weddings I've been to or heard about, ours is going to be stunningly small and (we hope) inexpensive. Our goal is less than a thousand dollars. As per advice I've read here on metafilter, we're thinking about our wedding as a party rather than a wedding. We're inviting between thirty and forty people. A friend has donated her backyard for our use. His mom is paying for the booze. We have several friends who are photographers who we'll be asking to take pictures (who needs that bride-is-pretending-to-put-on-lipstick posed stuff, anyway?). The biggest costs will be the officiant, if we decide not to have a friend marry us via internet ordination, and food.
Both friends and family will be invited, but they'll only be friends and family whom we're really exceptionally close to emotionally. This is made easier by the fact that we have fairly small families, but we're also not inviting second cousins and aunts we haven't spoken to in years. I don't think I know 200 people, honestly. Sure, I've met 200 people in my life, but really know them? And I've been to a ton of weddings where the couple don't get to enjoy themselves because they're too busy catching up with extended family who they haven't seen in years. That's not us, and that's not our idea of fun. Our idea of fun is eating and dancing and maybe drunkenly playing boardgames with our friends (yes, there will be boardgames).
Since this is a party, I still think it'll be a ton of fun. And for us, the "occasion" is the occasion of publicly declaring our love for one another in front of the people we love. But we're also pretty weird people and a pretty non-traditional couple. We don't want to throw a prom; that's not us, but maybe it's you, and maybe not doing it would be something you regret.
But you might want to take a look at offbeatbride and intimate weddings to get a sense of some of the really terrific, meaningful, and memorable things people do on a budget. "Inexpensive" doesn't have to mean getting married alone at city hall.
Oh and regarding this: "we'd have to deal with the politics of guest lists and very well may have to leave off people we really love for the sake of family harmony. for these reasons, the least desirable option." I'd treat that in the same way I'd treat the guestlist at any event. Invite who you want, regardless of their social drama. If they make a nasty comment to you about it, tell them that both parties mean a lot to you, so it's important to you to invite them. If they feel they can't go because of that, tell them you understand but that you'll miss them terribly. Really, I think all of that socially navigating is sort of ridiculous--people should be able to behave themselves around one another for the sake of a big, happy event, and it's not your job to keep lists of who hates one another and who doesn't. And in that sort of situation, you're undoubtedly going to hurt just as many feelings leaving people off the list as you would if you included them.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:19 AM on June 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
Or what about:
d) elope alone, and then spend $1k on a party that includes friends and all of the family that you'd have invited to the big wedding, and then use the other $14k on buying a better house? A cousin of mine did that (although they combined their wedding with the honeymoon and got married on the beach in Jamaica), was able to include everyone she loved in the party afterwards. Bonus for friends and family was that they only had to take part in the fun stuff, namely the party, didn't have to sit through a wedding, and the bride and groom had a no-stress party where they got to enjoy the company of their loved ones.
posted by scarykarrey at 8:21 AM on June 13, 2009
d) elope alone, and then spend $1k on a party that includes friends and all of the family that you'd have invited to the big wedding, and then use the other $14k on buying a better house? A cousin of mine did that (although they combined their wedding with the honeymoon and got married on the beach in Jamaica), was able to include everyone she loved in the party afterwards. Bonus for friends and family was that they only had to take part in the fun stuff, namely the party, didn't have to sit through a wedding, and the bride and groom had a no-stress party where they got to enjoy the company of their loved ones.
posted by scarykarrey at 8:21 AM on June 13, 2009
I'm having a big wedding, but it's primarily because my parents want to have a big wedding and they're paying for it (75% of the guests are theirs). If it was up to me and my fiance, it would be a much smaller affair, and we'd ask for help with a downpayment on a new house instead. So I'm recommending route C, too. But ultimately it's up to you -- I am excited about the big party, I think it will be tons of fun, and the only chance I'll get to see many of the people who are invited, so that parts cool!
posted by echo0720 at 8:27 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by echo0720 at 8:27 AM on June 13, 2009
It's always been strange to me that people think of weddings as "big" (expensive) vs. small (cheap) based solely on the number of people on the guest list. As though once you invite more than 75 people to your wedding, you simply HAVE to spend at least $20,000 dollars, or it doesn't count. I don't believe that's true. Start poking around some wedding blogs if you don't believe me- a crafty couple can stretch a dollar further than you'd imagine. You can invite 200 people to your wedding and still keep the party modest- there is a lot of "wedding" crap you don't need. Best of both worlds, IMO.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:31 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:31 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I'm getting married in a few weeks and we are spending more than I would like, but our families live very far apart and I can't imagine another situation that would bring everyone together. We also have friends that have never met each other. It's really important to me that our families and friends get together. We're looking at the wedding more as a weeklong event that ends with a really nice party. I also have lots of people helping me out so that I won't have much to do on the actual wedding day besides enjoy myself.
posted by betsybetsy at 8:32 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by betsybetsy at 8:32 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
We had about 40 people at our wedding. The reception was held in our backyard, under a clear starry sky with perfect weather. We had it catered by a local Mexican restaurant, which cost about $300 and was well worth it, as we had plenty of food, plenty of leftovers, and they not only fed us but had two people there to handle things. Everything, the dress, a tux rental, decorations, etc cost about $1000, which was helped by a lot of do-it-yourself stuff. Creating decorations not only saved money, it also added our own personal touch to the event and was more meaningful. For us, it was a perfect affair. We have, however, thought since then that eloping to Vegas wouldn't have been a bad thing, not because we hated how things went, but just that it would have also been a neat option.
posted by azpenguin at 8:33 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by azpenguin at 8:33 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Married nearly 30 years. I literally never think about my wedding.
posted by nax at 8:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
posted by nax at 8:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
d) elope alone, and then spend $1k on a party that includes friends and all of the family that you'd have invited to the big wedding
Yes. And also:
It's always been strange to me that people think of weddings as "big" (expensive) vs. small (cheap) based solely on the number of people on the guest list.
My wife and I were married cheaply, outdoors, at a place important to both of us. We paid for a buffet line, two kegs of beer, and $50 for a minister. Everyone had a great time.
posted by LarryC at 8:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yes. And also:
It's always been strange to me that people think of weddings as "big" (expensive) vs. small (cheap) based solely on the number of people on the guest list.
My wife and I were married cheaply, outdoors, at a place important to both of us. We paid for a buffet line, two kegs of beer, and $50 for a minister. Everyone had a great time.
posted by LarryC at 8:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
My wife's mom paid for a lot of it. But the cost got away from us, and we wound up with pretty good chunks of debt that had to be paid off. And the absolute cheapness of some of the guests - you make six figures, and you gave us thirty bucks? Really? - made us wish we'd gone much smaller or even eloped.
posted by notsnot at 8:39 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by notsnot at 8:39 AM on June 13, 2009
We had about 110 people at our wedding and spent around what you would spend in option A. Honestly? I loved it. We are coming up to our 5 year anniversary and our friends still talk about what a lovely wedding it was. I had a lot of fun, and the number of people wasn't overwhelming. I think about our wedding with a lot of fondness. (regarding it going by in a blur: nope, it didn't, but I was focusing on remembering it, also I didn't drink that night.)
But I think the main reason I was happy to spend the money is that we had the money. We'd been saving and also got a nice donation from our parents. I think that one should never go into debt for a wedding. that doesn't seem to be your problem though, so if you want to
posted by gaspode at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009
But I think the main reason I was happy to spend the money is that we had the money. We'd been saving and also got a nice donation from our parents. I think that one should never go into debt for a wedding. that doesn't seem to be your problem though, so if you want to
posted by gaspode at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009
It's always been strange to me that people think of weddings as "big" (expensive) vs. small (cheap) based solely on the number of people on the guest list. As though once you invite more than 75 people to your wedding, you simply HAVE to spend at least $20,000 dollars, or it doesn't count.
I agree that it's not quite a direct relationship, but I think a couple of things contribute to it: one, it's very hard to feed more than 75 people without a caterer. It's just a logistical problem. Two, it's very hard to find a free space that will fit more than 75 people. And the OP talked about getting married in the evening, which makes it even harder (no public parks). So then you are looking at renting some sort of hall, and then the hall itself has requirements about caterers, and then it's not some pretty outdoor space, so it's rather a depressing sight without flowers, linens etc. And the catering (with attendant costs for tables and chairs and linens), rental price for the hall, and flowers are generally the biggest-ticket items, which for 200 people in a large metropolitan area easily get past 20 grand.
Let me make clear, this is not an apology for the wedding industry , which is out of control, or an argument that a wedding can't be cheap and large, just an illustration of how the number of guests, once it gets past a certain threshold, works to raise the costs of the wedding exponentially*.
*metaphorically speaking
posted by palliser at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree that it's not quite a direct relationship, but I think a couple of things contribute to it: one, it's very hard to feed more than 75 people without a caterer. It's just a logistical problem. Two, it's very hard to find a free space that will fit more than 75 people. And the OP talked about getting married in the evening, which makes it even harder (no public parks). So then you are looking at renting some sort of hall, and then the hall itself has requirements about caterers, and then it's not some pretty outdoor space, so it's rather a depressing sight without flowers, linens etc. And the catering (with attendant costs for tables and chairs and linens), rental price for the hall, and flowers are generally the biggest-ticket items, which for 200 people in a large metropolitan area easily get past 20 grand.
Let me make clear, this is not an apology for the wedding industry , which is out of control, or an argument that a wedding can't be cheap and large, just an illustration of how the number of guests, once it gets past a certain threshold, works to raise the costs of the wedding exponentially*.
*metaphorically speaking
posted by palliser at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I vote for inviting everyone you would like to invite but not a fancy do. Something on the order of backyard weddings of the 1950s. I sort of rue our wedding having been a bit lah-di-dah, but having everyone there who came is a warm memory.
posted by lakeroon at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by lakeroon at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2009
oops, hit post too soon. So, if you want to, then go for it! Some people seem to think it's inevitable that you will regret spending that much, but we didn't.
posted by gaspode at 8:45 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by gaspode at 8:45 AM on June 13, 2009
My extended family is HUGE & very close (could've easily invited ~150 people to the wedding on my side alone, not including friends!) & traditionally weddings in my family are huge all-out bashes with 300+ people, so in having a small (~60 people) wedding, we really broke with traditional. I was very concerned about hurting my extended family's feelings (after all, I'd be mildly miffed myself if I weren't invited to one of their weddings!) but we felt very strongly about having a wedding we could afford. All of our parents offered to assist financially, but we really wanted to do it ourselves for a variety of reasons so we pared our guest list way, WAY down, invited only immediate family (still over 40 people) & about 15 of our closest friends, & held the ceremony at my parents' house with the reception at one of our favorite restaurants in a private room.
FWIW, I don't regret it at all. I wrote my cousins notes prior to sending out the invitations explaining that although I felt close to them & wanted to include them, we preferred a smaller wedding, & as far as I know, no one was super upset about it.
I guess I should mention that I happen to be the kind of person who gets shouty about the commercialization of milestone events, plus both of us really aren't big on being the center of attention, so both of these traits meant that a small wedding was definitely a better choice for us anyway.
posted by oh really at 8:50 AM on June 13, 2009
FWIW, I don't regret it at all. I wrote my cousins notes prior to sending out the invitations explaining that although I felt close to them & wanted to include them, we preferred a smaller wedding, & as far as I know, no one was super upset about it.
I guess I should mention that I happen to be the kind of person who gets shouty about the commercialization of milestone events, plus both of us really aren't big on being the center of attention, so both of these traits meant that a small wedding was definitely a better choice for us anyway.
posted by oh really at 8:50 AM on June 13, 2009
You can have a relatively big wedding, and not spend that much on it. Our wedding was generously paid for by our parents, partly because we were students getting married to get a visa, but also because they wanted to have a nice celebration which they could invite the whole family to. My main position was that I would rather cheap out on catering or goodies than not invite anyone for cost reasons. There were things we wanted to have for fun (including a live ceilidh band), but we just cheaped out on everything we didn't care about (flowers, cars, etc), and came well under budget without excluding anyone.
But I was really glad that I invited everyone. Our wedding is one of our most wonderful memories, and a big part of it were my friends who, since they weren't family, would probably have been cut from the list had it been restricted (as it was, even with only our relatively small families and just first cousins or closer, it was near 80 people who had to be invited - families are bigger than you think). But dancing with my husband and our friends - and joking around with them - at my wedding is somethig I'll never forget. The party does matter a great deal, but for the people, not the stuff. I think I would have been happy to have a potluck wedding with everyone there, if that had been acceptable to our parents (it wasn't), but I would have deeply regretted cutting the guest list down. And I didn't want to go with the elope and have a big party route, because having people witness our marriage (the actual vow taking) was really important to both of us (it wouldn't have been quite real to us otherwise).
So yeah, I guess my point is to work out how many guests you want to invite, and then work out the rest of the budget from that number. Like chosing to have a 1pm wedding with nibbles and no meal - or an afternoon wedding, dinner on their own, and a party after. (The cost of dinner took up 4/5s of our budget - but it was something parental units wanted). If someone you know has a large property or farm, hold the wedding and reception there.
posted by jb at 8:56 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
But I was really glad that I invited everyone. Our wedding is one of our most wonderful memories, and a big part of it were my friends who, since they weren't family, would probably have been cut from the list had it been restricted (as it was, even with only our relatively small families and just first cousins or closer, it was near 80 people who had to be invited - families are bigger than you think). But dancing with my husband and our friends - and joking around with them - at my wedding is somethig I'll never forget. The party does matter a great deal, but for the people, not the stuff. I think I would have been happy to have a potluck wedding with everyone there, if that had been acceptable to our parents (it wasn't), but I would have deeply regretted cutting the guest list down. And I didn't want to go with the elope and have a big party route, because having people witness our marriage (the actual vow taking) was really important to both of us (it wouldn't have been quite real to us otherwise).
So yeah, I guess my point is to work out how many guests you want to invite, and then work out the rest of the budget from that number. Like chosing to have a 1pm wedding with nibbles and no meal - or an afternoon wedding, dinner on their own, and a party after. (The cost of dinner took up 4/5s of our budget - but it was something parental units wanted). If someone you know has a large property or farm, hold the wedding and reception there.
posted by jb at 8:56 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Married 20 years. My view of weddings, including my own, has changed as I've gotten older. They seem like such a silly game of dress up now. If I were in your shoes, I'd have a simple ceremony with just close family, wearing normal dressy clothes, then go out to dinner at the best possible restaurant, then spend about half of the $15K on a truly awesome honeymoon, then put the rest toward a house.
posted by HotToddy at 9:00 AM on June 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 9:00 AM on June 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
We had a very small wedding - we were married at the Missouri Botanical Gardens followed by a buffet-style dinner/reception. It was great! Having a big, expensive wedding doesn't make you any "more" married.
We did buy the house a little bit before we got married - having our own house definitely helped ease any misgivings about having a smaller wedding. We almost had the house paid off when we sold it a couple years ago. It definitely worked out better for us in the long run.
The only drawback was that my in-laws didn't take the wedding seriously. Our best man didn't even get us a card! I think that because they were all very Catholic, they were disappointed that we weren't going to do the typical church-service-style Catholic wedding. Whatever! It worked for us and we have no regrets.
This sounds corny, but our love for each other and our kids is the important thing in our lives. Not having a big one-day party 11 years ago hasn't affected things at all.
posted by Ostara at 9:08 AM on June 13, 2009
We did buy the house a little bit before we got married - having our own house definitely helped ease any misgivings about having a smaller wedding. We almost had the house paid off when we sold it a couple years ago. It definitely worked out better for us in the long run.
The only drawback was that my in-laws didn't take the wedding seriously. Our best man didn't even get us a card! I think that because they were all very Catholic, they were disappointed that we weren't going to do the typical church-service-style Catholic wedding. Whatever! It worked for us and we have no regrets.
This sounds corny, but our love for each other and our kids is the important thing in our lives. Not having a big one-day party 11 years ago hasn't affected things at all.
posted by Ostara at 9:08 AM on June 13, 2009
We had a fairly conservatively priced wedding for about $10,000. If I had to do it over, I might do less, but mostly I loved it. However, we were not choosing between a wedding and improving our long term living situation. If we had been, it would have been different. I would look for a way to have a larger, but budgeted to be very inexpensive, wedding, and spend the rest on your living situation. If that's not doable, then (c). You can have a big family, celebratory party, and one with your friends, later.
posted by Medieval Maven at 9:12 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by Medieval Maven at 9:12 AM on June 13, 2009
We did a small wedding - Vegas-style! Just our two moms and us in one of those cheesy Vegas chapels. We didn't necessarily intend to to that from the start; we'd gotten a venue and a band and were looking at catering and flowers and...it was ridiculous. We were in our late 20s and both had jobs, and decided that our parents didn't need the extra expense of helping us pay for essentially a big theater show about us.
Instead, we canceled it all and got married in the Little Chapel of the Flowers, and when we got back, we had a party for friends and family with barbeque and beer, and no one resented us for it. That was over 16 years ago and we're still married, and neither of us, on those rare occasions that we think about it, has any regrets at all.
If you want to celebrate, celebrate a little bigger on each anniversary that's divisible by 5. It's the being married (and staying married!) that's important, not the getting married. The size of your wedding isn't going to help you stay together longer.
posted by TochterAusElysium at 9:21 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Instead, we canceled it all and got married in the Little Chapel of the Flowers, and when we got back, we had a party for friends and family with barbeque and beer, and no one resented us for it. That was over 16 years ago and we're still married, and neither of us, on those rare occasions that we think about it, has any regrets at all.
If you want to celebrate, celebrate a little bigger on each anniversary that's divisible by 5. It's the being married (and staying married!) that's important, not the getting married. The size of your wedding isn't going to help you stay together longer.
posted by TochterAusElysium at 9:21 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
We had a *do it yourself* garden wedding at a friend's house. We borrowed chairs, rented champagne glasses, tables and canopies, and had the reception be "gourmet pot luck."
So it was cheap but with over 100 people. The reception was right after, in the same place. We hired the most popular band in town at the time, then my band played.
I would not change a thing. It mystifies me to see people dropping big dollars for weddings, when you can have a joyous big one for not that much.
posted by Danf at 9:25 AM on June 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
So it was cheap but with over 100 people. The reception was right after, in the same place. We hired the most popular band in town at the time, then my band played.
I would not change a thing. It mystifies me to see people dropping big dollars for weddings, when you can have a joyous big one for not that much.
posted by Danf at 9:25 AM on June 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Have you considered a destination wedding? When my husband and I were in the first stages of planning our wedding, we couldn't really see ourselves spending $15K (which was our budget as well) on a one-evening affair. To me, large weddings are attended by two groups of people - your close friends and family that you really care about, and all the distant relatives and acquaintances that you end up inviting also. We only cared about our immediate family and friends sharing the occasion with us, so we spoke to them individually about whether or not they would be willing/able to plan a small vacation around our wedding. We asked this about 18 months out, so that everyone would have plenty of time to plan. Every single person we asked was ecstatic about the idea.
We ended up going to the Dominican Republic with about 26 of our friends/family. Guests arrived at different times during the week, and we got married in a beautiful tropical setting on Friday evening, followed by a nighttime reception on the beach. Not only did we get to have an amazing wedding ceremony, but we got to spend the week leading up to it on an awesome vacation with the people that mattered most to us. People are still talking about how it was the best vacation ever, and there are even plans for a 5-year reunion trip to the same resort. For me, it was perfect - we stayed well within our budget, but for $15K we got a week on a caribbean island with our loved ones, plus the awesome wedding ceremony. We didn't feel like we had offended all the distant relatives/friends, because we had the whole "we got married in a different country" excuse.
I wouldn't trade my wedding for anything. I've got wonderful memories of a tropical vacation with my loved ones and the most picturesque wedding I could imagine. Well worth the money, imo.
posted by tryniti at 9:41 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
We ended up going to the Dominican Republic with about 26 of our friends/family. Guests arrived at different times during the week, and we got married in a beautiful tropical setting on Friday evening, followed by a nighttime reception on the beach. Not only did we get to have an amazing wedding ceremony, but we got to spend the week leading up to it on an awesome vacation with the people that mattered most to us. People are still talking about how it was the best vacation ever, and there are even plans for a 5-year reunion trip to the same resort. For me, it was perfect - we stayed well within our budget, but for $15K we got a week on a caribbean island with our loved ones, plus the awesome wedding ceremony. We didn't feel like we had offended all the distant relatives/friends, because we had the whole "we got married in a different country" excuse.
I wouldn't trade my wedding for anything. I've got wonderful memories of a tropical vacation with my loved ones and the most picturesque wedding I could imagine. Well worth the money, imo.
posted by tryniti at 9:41 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Small wedding (around 30 people), but in Boston it still ran to about $16k. But I don't regret anything about it, and my wife has said that she doesn't either. I think inviting more people would have been very difficult to handle, especially in this city.
It could easily have cost a lot more, but my wife ended up making a bunch of the accouterments, including her wedding dress. We nevertheless ended up getting a spread in Boston Weddings magazine, largely thanks to our great photographer (and of course the awesome dress).
I know you said that you'd be asking some friends to do the photography, and I know wedding photographers are all kinds of expensive. But you should think about having a professional do your wedding pictures, because those pics are what you're really going to take away from the whole thing.
I was very concerned when I found out that our wedding photographer was going to cost us a few thousand dollars. Angry, in fact. (And our photographer was one of the cheaper ones!) But it turns out that our photographer took the best pictures of my wife and I that I'd ever seen, three of which are now framed and hanging on the wall next to my desk. I don't regret that expense at all, since it now serves as a constant reminder of how lucky I am.
posted by voltairemodern at 9:58 AM on June 13, 2009
It could easily have cost a lot more, but my wife ended up making a bunch of the accouterments, including her wedding dress. We nevertheless ended up getting a spread in Boston Weddings magazine, largely thanks to our great photographer (and of course the awesome dress).
I know you said that you'd be asking some friends to do the photography, and I know wedding photographers are all kinds of expensive. But you should think about having a professional do your wedding pictures, because those pics are what you're really going to take away from the whole thing.
I was very concerned when I found out that our wedding photographer was going to cost us a few thousand dollars. Angry, in fact. (And our photographer was one of the cheaper ones!) But it turns out that our photographer took the best pictures of my wife and I that I'd ever seen, three of which are now framed and hanging on the wall next to my desk. I don't regret that expense at all, since it now serves as a constant reminder of how lucky I am.
posted by voltairemodern at 9:58 AM on June 13, 2009
My wife & I had a big (~120 guests), fancy wedding (generously paid for by my parents). I'm not someone who generally goes in for lavish things, but I loved every minute of it. It was not at all a "blur" like some suggest. It was a Jewish wedding, so we had not one but two huge, intensely energetic horas, did the chairs, etc. Of course you don't get to spend a ton of time with each individual guest at such an event, but I felt I had really good "quality time" with many people. We also had a chill after-party at a nearby bar and got to spend more time with our closest friends there.
I always knew I wanted this sort of wedding, so I can't advise you on what would make you happy. Just gotta go with what feels right.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:02 AM on June 13, 2009
I always knew I wanted this sort of wedding, so I can't advise you on what would make you happy. Just gotta go with what feels right.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:02 AM on June 13, 2009
I know you said that you'd be asking some friends to do the photography, and I know wedding photographers are all kinds of expensive. But you should think about having a professional do your wedding pictures, because those pics are what you're really going to take away from the whole thing.
FH's brother and father are both semi-pro photogs. Not everyone is so lucky, and OP might not be. Then again, I hope that what I really take away from the day is a husband!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:09 AM on June 13, 2009
FH's brother and father are both semi-pro photogs. Not everyone is so lucky, and OP might not be. Then again, I hope that what I really take away from the day is a husband!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:09 AM on June 13, 2009
With any luck, you'll only get married once. Make it everything you want it to be. Use whatever's left over as a jump-start towards improving your living situation.
posted by spilon at 10:12 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by spilon at 10:12 AM on June 13, 2009
To answer your question prematurely but with confidence: though I initially suggested we elope and throw a party later, or get hitched at city hall and take our families out for brunch, The Fella insisted upon "a real wedding." I am so grateful that he did; the outpouring of love and support from family and friends has quite astonished me. And this is just during the planning process; I suspect I will be quite overcome with gratitude and love at the wedding.
That doesn't mean it's the right choice for you. I can only tell you that I could not have predicted how this experience would enrich my life. Truly, our loved ones are more numerous and more emotionally generous than I could have imagined.
As per advice I've read here on metafilter, we're thinking about our wedding as a party rather than a wedding.
I'm one of the people recently giving this advice, loudly and relentlessly. When The Fella and I started planning our wedding (now only a few weeks away! Yikes!), that was our first decision: it's not A Wedding, it's a party that starts with us getting married.
That eliminated a lot of the wedding industry "must-haves" from our planning lists. We used party-planning resources, not wedding-planning resources. Though that sounds simple, it eliminates a lot of the frou-frou; party-planning guides are far less likely to assume you want chair covers and aisle runners and favor bags and tulle drapery. (And if you do want those things, then great! I'm just saying it's not necessary, though it's often the default assumption.)
Because we both have large families and an extensive network of very close friends, we're having a wedding larger than I imagined: roughly 80-100 people. It sounds ridiculous to call that a "small wedding," but we come from big families; about fifty of those guests are family; thirty of them are immediate family. Indeed, there are a dozen or so people (distant but beloved relatives, mentors, erstwhile friends) I would have loved to invite, but the hall simply won't hold them. I am amazed and grateful to see how many loved ones we have.
We've been frugal in some areas, lavish in others. I've tallied our expenses as we go, and it looks like it's going to cost a few thousand dollars for the whole shindig, including plenty of beer, liquor, and food. That is a big pile of money to spend for one day, but we're happy to do it because A) having a large shared celebration is important to my partner, so it's important to me; B) it's going to be a really fun time for our loved ones and maybe even ourselves.
Food is one of the biggest costs for an event this size. We're self-catering, not to bring the cost down, but because we love to cook for our friends. No one who knows me well is surprised to hear that I'm tackling this project. If you decide to self-cater, be sure that your hall or venue allows you to do so; many places have a "preferred list" of approved caterers, or require a licensed caterer to prepare all foods. This was our first criterion for seeking a space. If a place did not allow self-catering, we weren't interested in viewing it. The upside: often, these less restrictive places are also the less expensive places. We're renting a grange hall, complete with kitchen, for a few hundred dollars.
I further cut down on the costs (and my anxiety level!) by avoiding bridal porn: the glossy photos and articles about dresses, veils, and beauty treatments. If you read the popular bridal magazines, it's easy to believe your wedding day is a pageant, necessitating weight loss and extensive fittings and professional makeovers, but it needn't be like that. I'm wearing a very pretty non-bridal outfit (forty bucks!), which I know I'll wear again and again. And I'll no doubt preen and primp a little, just like I would for an evening out. Apparently, many brides hire professional stylists for hair and make-up; it's this kind of thing that drives up the cost of the "average" wedding.
posted by Elsa at 10:12 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
That doesn't mean it's the right choice for you. I can only tell you that I could not have predicted how this experience would enrich my life. Truly, our loved ones are more numerous and more emotionally generous than I could have imagined.
As per advice I've read here on metafilter, we're thinking about our wedding as a party rather than a wedding.
I'm one of the people recently giving this advice, loudly and relentlessly. When The Fella and I started planning our wedding (now only a few weeks away! Yikes!), that was our first decision: it's not A Wedding, it's a party that starts with us getting married.
That eliminated a lot of the wedding industry "must-haves" from our planning lists. We used party-planning resources, not wedding-planning resources. Though that sounds simple, it eliminates a lot of the frou-frou; party-planning guides are far less likely to assume you want chair covers and aisle runners and favor bags and tulle drapery. (And if you do want those things, then great! I'm just saying it's not necessary, though it's often the default assumption.)
Because we both have large families and an extensive network of very close friends, we're having a wedding larger than I imagined: roughly 80-100 people. It sounds ridiculous to call that a "small wedding," but we come from big families; about fifty of those guests are family; thirty of them are immediate family. Indeed, there are a dozen or so people (distant but beloved relatives, mentors, erstwhile friends) I would have loved to invite, but the hall simply won't hold them. I am amazed and grateful to see how many loved ones we have.
We've been frugal in some areas, lavish in others. I've tallied our expenses as we go, and it looks like it's going to cost a few thousand dollars for the whole shindig, including plenty of beer, liquor, and food. That is a big pile of money to spend for one day, but we're happy to do it because A) having a large shared celebration is important to my partner, so it's important to me; B) it's going to be a really fun time for our loved ones and maybe even ourselves.
Food is one of the biggest costs for an event this size. We're self-catering, not to bring the cost down, but because we love to cook for our friends. No one who knows me well is surprised to hear that I'm tackling this project. If you decide to self-cater, be sure that your hall or venue allows you to do so; many places have a "preferred list" of approved caterers, or require a licensed caterer to prepare all foods. This was our first criterion for seeking a space. If a place did not allow self-catering, we weren't interested in viewing it. The upside: often, these less restrictive places are also the less expensive places. We're renting a grange hall, complete with kitchen, for a few hundred dollars.
I further cut down on the costs (and my anxiety level!) by avoiding bridal porn: the glossy photos and articles about dresses, veils, and beauty treatments. If you read the popular bridal magazines, it's easy to believe your wedding day is a pageant, necessitating weight loss and extensive fittings and professional makeovers, but it needn't be like that. I'm wearing a very pretty non-bridal outfit (forty bucks!), which I know I'll wear again and again. And I'll no doubt preen and primp a little, just like I would for an evening out. Apparently, many brides hire professional stylists for hair and make-up; it's this kind of thing that drives up the cost of the "average" wedding.
posted by Elsa at 10:12 AM on June 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
For my first wedding, it was nice enough, small, personal, lovely, charming - and yet, still somewhat stressful and funnily - not a guarantee of anything forever and ever amen. I only look back fondly on the most delicious cake, and the family of ducks that nestled at our feet while we said the vows. For Mr. Good, his first wedding was equally unsuccessful yet more expensive and a production he's never recovered from.
Since our first marriages didn't take, and having learned from our experiences, Mr. Good and I knew that this time around we just wanted to *be* married, not *get* married. So, while on vacation already in a place dear to us, we obtained a license, found a minister, got $1 mood rings from a gift shop and got married. We half half-a-dozen pictures taken by the friends that stood up for us - and we're fine and happy all these years later. Various groups of friends or relatives invited us to celebratory dinners once the news was out. We eventually got "real" wedding bands. It's been something like 5 years, though we've been together 13 now. It was perfect for us and since it was only for us, we regret nothing. We look back on it often, and fondly.
So, whenever the subject comes up, I always frame it that way - Do you want to BE married, or GET married? And recommend proceeding from there.
I'd say C fits that description the closest.
posted by peagood at 10:15 AM on June 13, 2009
Since our first marriages didn't take, and having learned from our experiences, Mr. Good and I knew that this time around we just wanted to *be* married, not *get* married. So, while on vacation already in a place dear to us, we obtained a license, found a minister, got $1 mood rings from a gift shop and got married. We half half-a-dozen pictures taken by the friends that stood up for us - and we're fine and happy all these years later. Various groups of friends or relatives invited us to celebratory dinners once the news was out. We eventually got "real" wedding bands. It's been something like 5 years, though we've been together 13 now. It was perfect for us and since it was only for us, we regret nothing. We look back on it often, and fondly.
So, whenever the subject comes up, I always frame it that way - Do you want to BE married, or GET married? And recommend proceeding from there.
I'd say C fits that description the closest.
posted by peagood at 10:15 AM on June 13, 2009
hubby & I had a small wedding (80 guests) in his mom's very nice backyard. a friend played piano, another friend did photography. they are both professionals so we got great music and pics. those were their wedding gifts to us. friends & family made food (again delicious cause these are people who really know how to cook)
we got some good wine and a decent cake (not one of those $500 art-monstrosities) it was mellow and everyone had a great time and I think we spent a total of $3000 on everything. we loved our wedding and everyone there had a wonderful day and thought it was delightful.
we had just gotten a house and did not want (could not) spend a huge amount on a wedding. we still had a great day and we still have a great house without undue financial stress 6 years later :)
posted by supermedusa at 10:16 AM on June 13, 2009
we got some good wine and a decent cake (not one of those $500 art-monstrosities) it was mellow and everyone had a great time and I think we spent a total of $3000 on everything. we loved our wedding and everyone there had a wonderful day and thought it was delightful.
we had just gotten a house and did not want (could not) spend a huge amount on a wedding. we still had a great day and we still have a great house without undue financial stress 6 years later :)
posted by supermedusa at 10:16 AM on June 13, 2009
15 people (in retrospect, I wish it would have been just us and a witness). Also, looking back on our photos, I wish I would have just gone the jeans and t-shirt route. I look incredibly weird and uncomfortable in a dress and it was about 90 degrees that day. It cost us about $400, including the off-duty court person, the room for the night, two wedding bands, a (delicious) sheet cake, a couple of trays of nibbles and my dress. I was stressed planning just this; any larger and I may have gone insane.
All we kept from our wedding (besides an awesome marriage) was an invite, the chinsy plastic cake topper from the grocery store, a mug from the B&B where we spent the night, and a handful of photos taken from point-and-shoot cameras.
If I were in your situation, I would take the money, put most of it away, and take an amazing, off-beat honeymoon to Europe or Asia. You'll remember that far more often than a wedding.
posted by theraflu at 10:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
All we kept from our wedding (besides an awesome marriage) was an invite, the chinsy plastic cake topper from the grocery store, a mug from the B&B where we spent the night, and a handful of photos taken from point-and-shoot cameras.
If I were in your situation, I would take the money, put most of it away, and take an amazing, off-beat honeymoon to Europe or Asia. You'll remember that far more often than a wedding.
posted by theraflu at 10:38 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I always knew I wanted this sort of [fancy] wedding, so I can't advise you on what would make you happy. Just gotta go with what feels right.
This is exactly right. Nobody here can really tell you what is right for you.
This is one of those questions in which you should be a bit skeptical of any consensus among the answers, because the small-wedding partisans take an almost moralistic tone when advocating for small weddings, and those who spent $15,000 or $20,000 may feel as though it is difficult to defend spending that much money on a ceremony even though they are very glad they had a large wedding that cost a fair amount of money. I.e., questions like this tend to invite answers from people who are smugly satisfied at their parsimony.
posted by jayder at 10:39 AM on June 13, 2009
This is exactly right. Nobody here can really tell you what is right for you.
This is one of those questions in which you should be a bit skeptical of any consensus among the answers, because the small-wedding partisans take an almost moralistic tone when advocating for small weddings, and those who spent $15,000 or $20,000 may feel as though it is difficult to defend spending that much money on a ceremony even though they are very glad they had a large wedding that cost a fair amount of money. I.e., questions like this tend to invite answers from people who are smugly satisfied at their parsimony.
posted by jayder at 10:39 AM on June 13, 2009
My wife and I had a guerilla wedding at Walt Disney World. Just showed up one afternoon, put on nice clothes in the bathroom at Cosmic Ray's, and went and did a fifteen minute service at Cinderella's Wishing Well performed by my best friend. Also there were three witnesses. It was the perfect ceremony (for us), and we have no regrets. Nobody was offended who was not invited, everybody got notices and pictures (one of the park photographers happened to come by, and took some great photos). Given that we all lived near the park and all had season passes, the wedding cost virtually nothing. The cost of our wedding attire, and some bride and groom mouse ears afterward. The money we would have spent on the wedding, we spent on a nice honeymoon.
For us it was perfect, and our friends and family knew us well enough and were in tune with our wishes enough that nobody was the least bit upset. If your friends and family are the same, and you and your fiance truly don't care about having a big ceremony, I highly recommend your option C.
posted by Lokheed at 10:58 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
For us it was perfect, and our friends and family knew us well enough and were in tune with our wishes enough that nobody was the least bit upset. If your friends and family are the same, and you and your fiance truly don't care about having a big ceremony, I highly recommend your option C.
posted by Lokheed at 10:58 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Mr Allstar and I got married at the court house with our immediate family, then went out to a nice dinner with them (I did splurge on a wedding cake for dessert after dinner).
We used the money we saved on a wedding to go to Vegas for a honey moon.
A couple months after the wedding we had a big outdoor party for family and friends at a local park.
I wouldn't change the way we did anything.
posted by All.star at 11:03 AM on June 13, 2009
We used the money we saved on a wedding to go to Vegas for a honey moon.
A couple months after the wedding we had a big outdoor party for family and friends at a local park.
I wouldn't change the way we did anything.
posted by All.star at 11:03 AM on June 13, 2009
We started out planning a mid-sized (80ish people?) wedding at a beautiful venue near where we live now but far from where we'll be living when the wedding rolls around. The more I thought about the logistics of planning from a distance and the more I started thinking about what I REALLY wanted that day to look like, the more I was dissatisfied with spending a whole year planning something where I had to juggle other people's feelings and play family politics. I just couldn't see myself running from table to table to try to see everyone (spending just a few minutes with people who had traveled a distance for the event) or turning over planning to a stranger since I wouldn't be nearby to handle the details I'd really like to handle myself. In particular, it made me sad to think about how I'd be worried that various elements of the family would be tensely watching out for each other since they don't all get along well. And that would make me tense and take my focus off the day and its significance for us.
So we've decided to move our wedding date up significantly and spend a whole weekend with the family and friends we are closest to. Some people, including family, who expect to be invited don't even know we've moved the wedding. We'll tell those people it was a "planned elopement" or something, I guess, with an announcement after the wedding. Everyone but us will have to travel, but we're renting a giant cabin in the mountains for our 18-20 guests to stay at and will have the wedding right there in the living room. Renting the cabin for 3 nights is about the same price as we would have paid for our original venue, plus the extra time together gives our families the chance to get to know each other and really celebrate the event with us. Setting our date in the off-season is letting us get a pretty big discount on our photographer(professional photography is important to us), and planning for 20 people is so much easier. We don't have to plan the catering so far in advance (we could cook ourselves, but since we're cooking for people the first two days they're there, we're having the wedding dinner catered).
So I'd say, take some time to really talk to your fiance about what you'd like the wedding to feel like. When you think about that day, what are you focusing on? Who do you imagine being there? What are the most important/significant things for you? Just start writing on a blank piece of paper or talking through your visions for the day. (In other words, don't start from the categories you've set above...start from scratch.) What do you want the day to look like? I knew the original venue I'd chosen was beautiful, but since I couldn't see dropping thousands of dollars on flowers and other decorations, I knew that extra, personalized decor would be minimal. To stay on our budget, we were looking at doing a lunch or brunch buffet instead of a full dinner. Now with the new plan, I can do some classy decor (2-3 tables to decorate v. 10 or more), have a sit-down dinner with great food, make incredible invitations (since I only have to do 14), and have the people there that really care and will really be there to support our marriage, not just attend our wedding.
posted by BlooPen at 11:08 AM on June 13, 2009
So we've decided to move our wedding date up significantly and spend a whole weekend with the family and friends we are closest to. Some people, including family, who expect to be invited don't even know we've moved the wedding. We'll tell those people it was a "planned elopement" or something, I guess, with an announcement after the wedding. Everyone but us will have to travel, but we're renting a giant cabin in the mountains for our 18-20 guests to stay at and will have the wedding right there in the living room. Renting the cabin for 3 nights is about the same price as we would have paid for our original venue, plus the extra time together gives our families the chance to get to know each other and really celebrate the event with us. Setting our date in the off-season is letting us get a pretty big discount on our photographer(professional photography is important to us), and planning for 20 people is so much easier. We don't have to plan the catering so far in advance (we could cook ourselves, but since we're cooking for people the first two days they're there, we're having the wedding dinner catered).
So I'd say, take some time to really talk to your fiance about what you'd like the wedding to feel like. When you think about that day, what are you focusing on? Who do you imagine being there? What are the most important/significant things for you? Just start writing on a blank piece of paper or talking through your visions for the day. (In other words, don't start from the categories you've set above...start from scratch.) What do you want the day to look like? I knew the original venue I'd chosen was beautiful, but since I couldn't see dropping thousands of dollars on flowers and other decorations, I knew that extra, personalized decor would be minimal. To stay on our budget, we were looking at doing a lunch or brunch buffet instead of a full dinner. Now with the new plan, I can do some classy decor (2-3 tables to decorate v. 10 or more), have a sit-down dinner with great food, make incredible invitations (since I only have to do 14), and have the people there that really care and will really be there to support our marriage, not just attend our wedding.
posted by BlooPen at 11:08 AM on June 13, 2009
questions like this tend to invite answers from people who are smugly satisfied at their parsimony
As someone who constantly and unsuccessfully attempts to stifle this unpleasant smugness in myself, I'll admit the fairness of this observation. By the same token, a great many people who splurged on more traditional or lavish weddings are predisposed to defend that choice against (perceived or actual) criticism.
But the point, and I think it's often submerged in discussions like this, is that you can do both: splurge on the things you want, scrimp on the things that don't matter to you, and end up with a hell of a party. You don't need to defend those choices to anyone. (I mean, realistically, you probably will have to defend those choices to some of your nosier family members, but that's easy to do with a cool glance and a practiced smile.)
The same holds true if the couple chooses to get hitched for free or cheap and buy a house or a car or a racehorse or a trip to Japan.
For me, the learning experience of planning a wedding hasn't been in the costs or the frippery, but in our loved ones' unstinting willingness to help and desire to celebrate. If we had had the elopement or no-frills city hall wedding I wanted, I would have missed a lot of this. I didn't expect any of this; I've been blindsided by joy, and I'm so grateful I didn't miss the experience.
posted by Elsa at 11:08 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
As someone who constantly and unsuccessfully attempts to stifle this unpleasant smugness in myself, I'll admit the fairness of this observation. By the same token, a great many people who splurged on more traditional or lavish weddings are predisposed to defend that choice against (perceived or actual) criticism.
But the point, and I think it's often submerged in discussions like this, is that you can do both: splurge on the things you want, scrimp on the things that don't matter to you, and end up with a hell of a party. You don't need to defend those choices to anyone. (I mean, realistically, you probably will have to defend those choices to some of your nosier family members, but that's easy to do with a cool glance and a practiced smile.)
The same holds true if the couple chooses to get hitched for free or cheap and buy a house or a car or a racehorse or a trip to Japan.
For me, the learning experience of planning a wedding hasn't been in the costs or the frippery, but in our loved ones' unstinting willingness to help and desire to celebrate. If we had had the elopement or no-frills city hall wedding I wanted, I would have missed a lot of this. I didn't expect any of this; I've been blindsided by joy, and I'm so grateful I didn't miss the experience.
posted by Elsa at 11:08 AM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry I allowed my family to talk me out of a potluck wedding supper. I'm sorry I got talked into a full bar. Wish we'd just had good beer in longneck bottles, and a choice of alcoholic and non- punch.
Your wedding is when you and your beloved commit your lives to each other, with your friends and family as witnesses and celebrants.
Find a venue where you have use of a kitchen. A bunch of friends and I made all the food; we had tons of flowers, helium balloons and candles. Somebody made us great mixtapes, and everybody danced. It was an excellent party, and we kept it well within a budget. We totally avoided the wedding industry, and the "dream wedding" concept. It was my dream wedding, because my dream was to have a meaningful ceremony with my friends and family.
posted by theora55 at 11:30 AM on June 13, 2009
Your wedding is when you and your beloved commit your lives to each other, with your friends and family as witnesses and celebrants.
Find a venue where you have use of a kitchen. A bunch of friends and I made all the food; we had tons of flowers, helium balloons and candles. Somebody made us great mixtapes, and everybody danced. It was an excellent party, and we kept it well within a budget. We totally avoided the wedding industry, and the "dream wedding" concept. It was my dream wedding, because my dream was to have a meaningful ceremony with my friends and family.
posted by theora55 at 11:30 AM on June 13, 2009
House or emergency savings fund.
posted by onepapertiger at 11:31 AM on June 13, 2009
posted by onepapertiger at 11:31 AM on June 13, 2009
OPTION C! OPTION C! OPTION C!
My ex-husband and I had a small-ish wedding (50 or 60 guests) in his parents' backyard, which was a compromise (his side of the family expected a traditional wedding; I wanted to elope). Objectively, it was a lovely little wedding with lots of our own personal touches (we made the music mix ourselves, which was hugely important to both of us), and we got a lot of compliments. I, however, was uncomfortable pretty much through the entire thing and couldn't wait for it to be over, mainly because I have an extremely strong aversion to being the center of attention in ritual settings (hell, I want to kill someone if people sing "happy birthday" to me in public).
So to me, all the stress and planning to please others while still maintaining our own taste was totally not worth it. Even with a small, not-terribly-lavish wedding, we still had to make a lot of compromises (the biggest one being a religious officiant, even though neither my ex and I are religious) that were aggravating. And with a limit of 50-60 guests, there were inevitably people I had to leave off the guest list, which I literally felt guilty about for years.
If I ever remarry, I'm definitely going the small wedding route (i.e., a judge and my immediate family) with a casual house party for everyone who wants to come about a month later. Saves time, money, and sanity.
posted by scody at 11:37 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
My ex-husband and I had a small-ish wedding (50 or 60 guests) in his parents' backyard, which was a compromise (his side of the family expected a traditional wedding; I wanted to elope). Objectively, it was a lovely little wedding with lots of our own personal touches (we made the music mix ourselves, which was hugely important to both of us), and we got a lot of compliments. I, however, was uncomfortable pretty much through the entire thing and couldn't wait for it to be over, mainly because I have an extremely strong aversion to being the center of attention in ritual settings (hell, I want to kill someone if people sing "happy birthday" to me in public).
So to me, all the stress and planning to please others while still maintaining our own taste was totally not worth it. Even with a small, not-terribly-lavish wedding, we still had to make a lot of compromises (the biggest one being a religious officiant, even though neither my ex and I are religious) that were aggravating. And with a limit of 50-60 guests, there were inevitably people I had to leave off the guest list, which I literally felt guilty about for years.
If I ever remarry, I'm definitely going the small wedding route (i.e., a judge and my immediate family) with a casual house party for everyone who wants to come about a month later. Saves time, money, and sanity.
posted by scody at 11:37 AM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
We'll mark 30 years married in August. Small wedding, about 40 people, but if the Mr. and I had had our way (our parents pretty much ran the show) it would have been even smaller. So when I vote for C option, please bear in mind that it reflects my and Mr.'s taste, values, etc., and yours may be quite different.
Like some of the other long-timers in this thread, my wedding day is insignificant in comparison to the marriage. It was just the beginning of this 10,000 day-and-counting adventure.
FWIW, my 79-year old dad and his 60+ year old fiancee are getting married in two weeks. They're planning something very similar to what scody's ideal small wedding would be. A judge, immediate family only at the house. Next day, a backyard barbecue for what will probably be 30-40 people.
posted by angiep at 12:38 PM on June 13, 2009
Like some of the other long-timers in this thread, my wedding day is insignificant in comparison to the marriage. It was just the beginning of this 10,000 day-and-counting adventure.
FWIW, my 79-year old dad and his 60+ year old fiancee are getting married in two weeks. They're planning something very similar to what scody's ideal small wedding would be. A judge, immediate family only at the house. Next day, a backyard barbecue for what will probably be 30-40 people.
posted by angiep at 12:38 PM on June 13, 2009
One thing that no one has mentioned yet is that you might get a lot of cash for gifts, and that will offset the cost of the wedding. We had a $10K wedding for 120 people and we were gifted $7,000 plus some presents. I don't know if this is normal. We were definitely surprised! (We didn't do anything to indicate that we preferred cash over gifts.)
posted by pizzazz at 12:45 PM on June 13, 2009
posted by pizzazz at 12:45 PM on June 13, 2009
I'd vote for a small wedding with family and friends that you cherish. You do not need Uncle Joe who you last saw when you were 7 (unless that meant a lot to you).
We had a modest wedding and have fond memories of the day and the people who were there. Total of about 45 people there. My wife's cousin had >500 people at her wedding, some of whom were friends or business colleagues of her parents and she had no idea who they were.
posted by arcticseal at 1:45 PM on June 13, 2009
We had a modest wedding and have fond memories of the day and the people who were there. Total of about 45 people there. My wife's cousin had >500 people at her wedding, some of whom were friends or business colleagues of her parents and she had no idea who they were.
posted by arcticseal at 1:45 PM on June 13, 2009
We didn't even have a wedding.
We got married in our living room--in a self-joining union, under PA law. We then had a bigass party to which we invited all of our friends and family of our generation--our parents and older generations were not invited, but also didn't live anywhere near us. It was the best party I've ever been at. And, not counting recreational chemicals, we probably only spent about $500.
It was fuckin' awesome. And since it was actually fun, as opposed to crazy and stressful like my friends' big church weddings have all been, I look back on it as one of the best times in my life so far--I wish I could do it again a dozen times. Most of my friends who had giant weddings are like, "I was so happy to get it over with."
posted by Netzapper at 2:39 PM on June 13, 2009
We got married in our living room--in a self-joining union, under PA law. We then had a bigass party to which we invited all of our friends and family of our generation--our parents and older generations were not invited, but also didn't live anywhere near us. It was the best party I've ever been at. And, not counting recreational chemicals, we probably only spent about $500.
It was fuckin' awesome. And since it was actually fun, as opposed to crazy and stressful like my friends' big church weddings have all been, I look back on it as one of the best times in my life so far--I wish I could do it again a dozen times. Most of my friends who had giant weddings are like, "I was so happy to get it over with."
posted by Netzapper at 2:39 PM on June 13, 2009
We had a small ceremony on the lawn at a bed and breakfast, with an hors d'oeuvre reception right there. About $2,500 including professional pictures, which are worth the cost if you find the right photographer. About 50 guests, and all of the people we wanted to have there were there. You can have a wonderful wedding for not much money if you detach yourself from the stereotypical weddings that most people try to have. We spent about $5,000 on our honeymoon a year later, and I think we both agree that it was a much more enjoyable way to spend the money.
Of course, we paid for nearly everything ourselves. If someone had been offering us $15k (with no strings), we'd probably have done the same thing and bought a nicer house, too.
posted by MrZero at 2:46 PM on June 13, 2009
Of course, we paid for nearly everything ourselves. If someone had been offering us $15k (with no strings), we'd probably have done the same thing and bought a nicer house, too.
posted by MrZero at 2:46 PM on June 13, 2009
There's no algorithm that says "spend X, and you're keepin' it real. Spend Y, and you're a shallow, attention-hungry couple." So go with what feels right, as others have said. Not just "practical" but that FUN kind of right that makes you really happy inside.
Originally I wanted a tiny wedding, too -- but my husband's family is huge (Irish Catholics, zillions of kids/nieces/nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles). So ours was "only" 120 people -- and that was only because his side had to travel quite a bit to get to our city. We paid for everything ourselves, which took a huge weight off choices. I think our budget was just over $10k. My dress? $250 from David's Bridal, and it was lovely. Invites were laid out and run off at Kinko's, although I love letterpress and kind of regret not budgeting for it. Our venue was a historic building on our town square, and we got married outside and walked inside for cocktails and a catered buffet, so we only had to decorate one space. We got married on Labor Day Sunday evening, so it was cheaper than a Saturday wedding -- and enabled everyone traveling to have that extra day to hang out.
My advice (I'm a bridal writer, and I've written about high, middle, low, and indie wedding stuff, if that's important) is to pick a couple of things that matter to you and splurge there, and add in a couple of touches that are meaningful to your guests or speak to their comfort. Our flowers were gorgeous -- we picked in-season blooms (not easy in GA in September, it's a zillion degrees then). Due to the heat and outdoor wedding we set up a table with fans & icy lemonade for guests to take with them to their seats. A short service and then inside for fun and food and a full bar (our other splurge). No wedding favors. No band, we used a DJ instead. No videographer. I wish we'd spent more on a photographer, since pictures are not just another wedding expense like chairs or food but a historical record of the event that you'll pass down to your family and will look at forever. We had a large rehearsal dinner as well - 70 people who were family and/or who had traveled! It was tons of fun and we rented a bus to haul everyone to the site. That was maybe another $3k but my in-laws insisted on picking up the tab.
We kept within budget by going back to our own house for our wedding night. We joined everyone for brunch the next day and on Tuesday we headed out for a 2-week gorgeous honeymoon where we traveled across Canada, also splurging and saving by turns to keep within our budget. So pick what's meaningful to you, and run with it. Avoid going into debt if you can. Just keep it fun and full of love -- that's what you'll remember.
My best memory is seeing my husband as I walked down the aisle. Everything faded away and it really was as if we were the only two people on the planet. I could have left just after our vows, I was so happy, and so was he. If you have that moment, the surroundings are just extra. (But still fun for memories later.)
posted by mdiskin at 3:18 PM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Originally I wanted a tiny wedding, too -- but my husband's family is huge (Irish Catholics, zillions of kids/nieces/nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles). So ours was "only" 120 people -- and that was only because his side had to travel quite a bit to get to our city. We paid for everything ourselves, which took a huge weight off choices. I think our budget was just over $10k. My dress? $250 from David's Bridal, and it was lovely. Invites were laid out and run off at Kinko's, although I love letterpress and kind of regret not budgeting for it. Our venue was a historic building on our town square, and we got married outside and walked inside for cocktails and a catered buffet, so we only had to decorate one space. We got married on Labor Day Sunday evening, so it was cheaper than a Saturday wedding -- and enabled everyone traveling to have that extra day to hang out.
My advice (I'm a bridal writer, and I've written about high, middle, low, and indie wedding stuff, if that's important) is to pick a couple of things that matter to you and splurge there, and add in a couple of touches that are meaningful to your guests or speak to their comfort. Our flowers were gorgeous -- we picked in-season blooms (not easy in GA in September, it's a zillion degrees then). Due to the heat and outdoor wedding we set up a table with fans & icy lemonade for guests to take with them to their seats. A short service and then inside for fun and food and a full bar (our other splurge). No wedding favors. No band, we used a DJ instead. No videographer. I wish we'd spent more on a photographer, since pictures are not just another wedding expense like chairs or food but a historical record of the event that you'll pass down to your family and will look at forever. We had a large rehearsal dinner as well - 70 people who were family and/or who had traveled! It was tons of fun and we rented a bus to haul everyone to the site. That was maybe another $3k but my in-laws insisted on picking up the tab.
We kept within budget by going back to our own house for our wedding night. We joined everyone for brunch the next day and on Tuesday we headed out for a 2-week gorgeous honeymoon where we traveled across Canada, also splurging and saving by turns to keep within our budget. So pick what's meaningful to you, and run with it. Avoid going into debt if you can. Just keep it fun and full of love -- that's what you'll remember.
My best memory is seeing my husband as I walked down the aisle. Everything faded away and it really was as if we were the only two people on the planet. I could have left just after our vows, I was so happy, and so was he. If you have that moment, the surroundings are just extra. (But still fun for memories later.)
posted by mdiskin at 3:18 PM on June 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
I think it might well depend on what kind of family you are dealing with, as jedicus pointed out. Is is a Big Fucking Deal to get married in your family? Or in his? Or are people more laid back and won't be so offended if they don't get to go to a giant shindig?
And ah.... are your relatives or his prone to screaming? I went to my cousin's wedding recently and it was awesome, but on the other hand, the bride and groom's mothers screamed at each other for a damn year while the planning went on, and I can't say that the inevitable screaming that would come out of my mother during the planning (she goes batshit crazy when hostessing) is something I particularly want to deal with. If you do a big shindig, odds are you'll be spending a lot of time stressing out over putting it on, though, even if everyone is relatively sane before the event is announced. And relatives tend to want in on the planning, and want it Their Way.
I sort of lean towards c if you have mellow relatives. Also, if you want to get away with having a cheap/small/few people attending wedding, this is definitely the year where most people are going to understand if you don't go all out. Some people hate their big weddings and some loved them, but I can't say I've heard too many people complain about having a small one, other than those who missed having Princess Day. And even those people were still less stressed out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:13 PM on June 13, 2009
And ah.... are your relatives or his prone to screaming? I went to my cousin's wedding recently and it was awesome, but on the other hand, the bride and groom's mothers screamed at each other for a damn year while the planning went on, and I can't say that the inevitable screaming that would come out of my mother during the planning (she goes batshit crazy when hostessing) is something I particularly want to deal with. If you do a big shindig, odds are you'll be spending a lot of time stressing out over putting it on, though, even if everyone is relatively sane before the event is announced. And relatives tend to want in on the planning, and want it Their Way.
I sort of lean towards c if you have mellow relatives. Also, if you want to get away with having a cheap/small/few people attending wedding, this is definitely the year where most people are going to understand if you don't go all out. Some people hate their big weddings and some loved them, but I can't say I've heard too many people complain about having a small one, other than those who missed having Princess Day. And even those people were still less stressed out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:13 PM on June 13, 2009
Our wedding had 8 guests - 2 sets of parents, 1 set of grandparents, and 2 friends. I think all told it cost under $4,000 which covered renting out a bed and breakfast for the weekend, 2 amazing dinners, wedding cake, champagne, wedding dress, officiant and photographer, rings, and a guitarist for the ceremony. The wedding was exactly what we wanted, and I adored every moment of the weekend. Since my parents didn't spend as much as they always assumed they would, they happily paid for a spectacular honeymoon, which we enjoyed far, far, far more than a more expensive wedding.
I do not regret for an instant having a tiny wedding. That said, I am very introverted, and both of us think that most weddings are hideous. If you are someone that enjoys large weddings with lots of people, then you would most likely not enjoy having a wedding like mine. In the end, figure out what matters the most to you. I didn't care about having lots of friends or family at the wedding because I violently detested the idea of being the center of attention and having 400 eyeballs staring at me. I did care about having a fun weekend where our families could get to know each other, so I created a wedding that was designed to do exactly that.
posted by gatorae at 4:15 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I do not regret for an instant having a tiny wedding. That said, I am very introverted, and both of us think that most weddings are hideous. If you are someone that enjoys large weddings with lots of people, then you would most likely not enjoy having a wedding like mine. In the end, figure out what matters the most to you. I didn't care about having lots of friends or family at the wedding because I violently detested the idea of being the center of attention and having 400 eyeballs staring at me. I did care about having a fun weekend where our families could get to know each other, so I created a wedding that was designed to do exactly that.
posted by gatorae at 4:15 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
We walked across the street to the courthouse and got married with our immediate family in attendance, then went out to lunch. It was a Tuesday, and I was back to work on Wednesday. Just the thought of having to plan a wedding (who would I invite? who would we choose for the wedding party? how would I deal with being the center of attention for an entire day?!) totally stresses me out.
I've watched several close friends plan their wedding in excruciating detail (plus all the family and friend drama that seems to come with it), and seeing that has made me even more grateful that I had such a super-low-key day.
If I were in your situation, I would put the money toward a house, paying off debt, or some other big thing, and have a small wedding. If you want to celebrate with family and friends, just throw a party somewhere. You will be much less stressed, and still have just as good a time!
posted by LolaGeek at 4:18 PM on June 13, 2009
I've watched several close friends plan their wedding in excruciating detail (plus all the family and friend drama that seems to come with it), and seeing that has made me even more grateful that I had such a super-low-key day.
If I were in your situation, I would put the money toward a house, paying off debt, or some other big thing, and have a small wedding. If you want to celebrate with family and friends, just throw a party somewhere. You will be much less stressed, and still have just as good a time!
posted by LolaGeek at 4:18 PM on June 13, 2009
I would say that ultimately the wedding should be a day for the two of you and about the two of you. It's your commitment - how would you like to celebrate it, ignoring financial and familial obligations? Then go for the closest option to that.
/disclosure - never been married but have been best man more times than I like to count.
posted by Sparx at 4:22 PM on June 13, 2009
/disclosure - never been married but have been best man more times than I like to count.
posted by Sparx at 4:22 PM on June 13, 2009
We just went the courthouse and we don't regret it. No wedding, no guests, no planning anything huge or any stress.
posted by Nattie at 4:34 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Nattie at 4:34 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
My friends who has big weddings and are now in small apartments regret it.
My friends who had small wedding and are now in small houses do not.
posted by jefficator at 4:41 PM on June 13, 2009 [5 favorites]
My friends who had small wedding and are now in small houses do not.
posted by jefficator at 4:41 PM on June 13, 2009 [5 favorites]
The most important part of our tiny cheapo wedding was our vows and I still (nearly 20 years on) remember the moment distinctly, joining in a union with my partner (as a truck rumbled past). I don't and haven't regretted for one minute the way we got married, no fancy dress, no photographer, a small bunch of flowers, he was in jeans (and he looked so good in jeans) and we had a simple meal at a crappy little restaurant that opened just for us and our 8 guests (all family). For us, it's always been about the marriage, and not the wedding, but that might be a side effect of us being introverts.
On the other hand, as I have aged, I've less feelings for acquiring things and more for acquiring experiences. If we had had the money to spend then, and didn't need for a home and furniture etc, I think a honeymoon would have been wonderful.
What do you and your partner value most? Are you extroverts who thrive on company? Nomads who love world travel? Homemakers who melt over matching towels or blooming vegetable patches? That will give you your answer.
posted by b33j at 5:21 PM on June 13, 2009
On the other hand, as I have aged, I've less feelings for acquiring things and more for acquiring experiences. If we had had the money to spend then, and didn't need for a home and furniture etc, I think a honeymoon would have been wonderful.
What do you and your partner value most? Are you extroverts who thrive on company? Nomads who love world travel? Homemakers who melt over matching towels or blooming vegetable patches? That will give you your answer.
posted by b33j at 5:21 PM on June 13, 2009
My wife and I (we're registered already) are planning a catered affair at a bar...should run about $3-4000. Definitely non-traditional, but depending on your group of friends, it might work out.
Don't go the "traditional" route. It's a waste of time and money that I think you'll find much better spent on the stuff YOU want. It's your wedding, and it's up to you to make it unforgettable.
posted by saysthis at 5:24 PM on June 13, 2009
Don't go the "traditional" route. It's a waste of time and money that I think you'll find much better spent on the stuff YOU want. It's your wedding, and it's up to you to make it unforgettable.
posted by saysthis at 5:24 PM on June 13, 2009
Every single day I think about the elopy way my husband and I got married, I have zero regrets and shudder to think of if we had done it any other way.
After being depressed about not finding the perfect, cheapo, non-traditional wedding to plan, my husband and I just said, "screw it." We took our "dating anniversary" off work, made an appointment at city hall. We asked a coworker who was an amateur photographer to join us at City Hall. We dressed to the nines (rented suit, cheap white dress, discount bridesmaids dress for my 6-year-old daughter) and got some flowers. It was a quick, but beautiful ceremony, as SF City Hall is something crazy spectacular. My husband, daughter and I took off straight from city hall to an overnight stay at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and spent the next day on a micro-honeymoon. Friday, we went back to work.
Why I don't regret it:
- We didn't go into debt
- We have great pictures with us looking fab so we had something to pacify everyone who was annoyed they didn't get to go and I have the "awww shucks" memory pictures
- Every time we go to a wedding now and the bride and groom complain about something going wrong, family politics, the costs, etc., we just look at each other and say thank you
- The kid got the cartoon version of the wedding (white dresses, flowers, fancy buildings) without any of the boring stuff
- And of course, yeah, totally love him
I don't begrudge anyone who has or wants a larger wedding and we've been to some great ones, but unless the two of you are excited about it, its up to you.
posted by Gucky at 5:57 PM on June 13, 2009
After being depressed about not finding the perfect, cheapo, non-traditional wedding to plan, my husband and I just said, "screw it." We took our "dating anniversary" off work, made an appointment at city hall. We asked a coworker who was an amateur photographer to join us at City Hall. We dressed to the nines (rented suit, cheap white dress, discount bridesmaids dress for my 6-year-old daughter) and got some flowers. It was a quick, but beautiful ceremony, as SF City Hall is something crazy spectacular. My husband, daughter and I took off straight from city hall to an overnight stay at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and spent the next day on a micro-honeymoon. Friday, we went back to work.
Why I don't regret it:
- We didn't go into debt
- We have great pictures with us looking fab so we had something to pacify everyone who was annoyed they didn't get to go and I have the "awww shucks" memory pictures
- Every time we go to a wedding now and the bride and groom complain about something going wrong, family politics, the costs, etc., we just look at each other and say thank you
- The kid got the cartoon version of the wedding (white dresses, flowers, fancy buildings) without any of the boring stuff
- And of course, yeah, totally love him
I don't begrudge anyone who has or wants a larger wedding and we've been to some great ones, but unless the two of you are excited about it, its up to you.
posted by Gucky at 5:57 PM on June 13, 2009
I think Gucky's experience actually makes for a great plan, even if she didn't plan it. Try to plan a wedding for 200 (really? 150 wouldn't pacify the families?) for whatever amount you think is a reasonable chunk of the 15k. 1000, 2000, whatever. Look into venues, food, whatever you need. Figure an extra 25% for stuff you can't foresee until you're doing the full, detailed planning. Then decide if it's resulting in something worth the cash. If not, do the immediate-family-at-city-hall thing.
posted by palliser at 6:28 PM on June 13, 2009
posted by palliser at 6:28 PM on June 13, 2009
C C C C C!!!!
dogdad & I eloped. No family, no friends. We decided to get married, and then figured- "why wait?" So we got married 2 days after the decision was made. To this day (almost 14 years later) I'm still glad we did it this way. Our familes are so different, even a "family only" wedding would have been a disaster. We did a "honeymoon tour" instead. Within a few months of getting married, we visited each family and took them out to a nice dinner. We then had a nice party for our friends when we got home. Sooooo much better, and really, the only pressure we had was a slight guilt trip from Gramma (Mom's mom), which was quickly extinguished when we reminded her that if we had a wedding, we would have had to invite my Dad and his family. Sometimes coming from a dysfunctional family is an advantage.
posted by dogmom at 9:42 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
dogdad & I eloped. No family, no friends. We decided to get married, and then figured- "why wait?" So we got married 2 days after the decision was made. To this day (almost 14 years later) I'm still glad we did it this way. Our familes are so different, even a "family only" wedding would have been a disaster. We did a "honeymoon tour" instead. Within a few months of getting married, we visited each family and took them out to a nice dinner. We then had a nice party for our friends when we got home. Sooooo much better, and really, the only pressure we had was a slight guilt trip from Gramma (Mom's mom), which was quickly extinguished when we reminded her that if we had a wedding, we would have had to invite my Dad and his family. Sometimes coming from a dysfunctional family is an advantage.
posted by dogmom at 9:42 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Whatever you do, DON'T do option B. It's one of those nasty compromises that makes no-one happy. You'll always wish you'd done one thing (house or wedding) properly, instead of trying to do everything and scrimping on it all.
I think you could be happy with either option A or option C. And option C could actually still be a great party with lots of people, as described by so many people above (have the Indiebride forums been linked yet? Lots of ideas for cheap yet large weddings there). And for specific wedding-on-the-cheap questions, you've always got one question a week here at AskMe!
posted by harriet vane at 11:21 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think you could be happy with either option A or option C. And option C could actually still be a great party with lots of people, as described by so many people above (have the Indiebride forums been linked yet? Lots of ideas for cheap yet large weddings there). And for specific wedding-on-the-cheap questions, you've always got one question a week here at AskMe!
posted by harriet vane at 11:21 PM on June 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: thank you for all the great advice, everyone!
i realize that i didn't explain adequately in the original post a couple of things that have been pertinent to the advice given....
the 200 (really about 180ish) are 99% people we know very well and love, plus a couple of spouses/partners i'm indifferent to, but don't mind. the future husband's extended family is all local, and we all get together every six to eight weeks for some birthday or holiday; also, i recently happened to spend six years within a 30-mile radius of both my mother and father's extended families, and so got to know them much better than i normally would have. so yes, these are all people we know well and would enjoy having around us if we could justify the cost.
also, we're both in our 30's and had well-established households before joining forces, so we're doing the no-gifts, donate-to-these-charities-in-our-name route, so don't expect to get any gift cash to offset the cost.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:22 AM on June 14, 2009
i realize that i didn't explain adequately in the original post a couple of things that have been pertinent to the advice given....
the 200 (really about 180ish) are 99% people we know very well and love, plus a couple of spouses/partners i'm indifferent to, but don't mind. the future husband's extended family is all local, and we all get together every six to eight weeks for some birthday or holiday; also, i recently happened to spend six years within a 30-mile radius of both my mother and father's extended families, and so got to know them much better than i normally would have. so yes, these are all people we know well and would enjoy having around us if we could justify the cost.
also, we're both in our 30's and had well-established households before joining forces, so we're doing the no-gifts, donate-to-these-charities-in-our-name route, so don't expect to get any gift cash to offset the cost.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:22 AM on June 14, 2009
My now-ex husband and I were married in my grandmother's house in New Orleans with a judge and exactly four other people. This was thrown together with about two weeks' notice. We had cake, and then we had dinner in a private room at Commander's Palace. My 90-plus-year-old grandmother and terminally ill father were there, and those were the only people who mattered to me. Even my brother and sister weren't there. The *only* thing I regret was not making an effort to include my ex's family, but to their credit, they never said anything to me about it. His parents commemorated the occasion with dinner for us and all his relatives at a fancy restaurant back home a few weeks later.
So, go with C. If I ever get remarried, I would do the exact same thing.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:58 AM on June 14, 2009
So, go with C. If I ever get remarried, I would do the exact same thing.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 9:58 AM on June 14, 2009
These people bought a house, renovated it, and then had their wedding in the back yard. I think that's a really great idea. Other people have suggested something similar, but I thought you'd like to see pictures!
These people had a $2000 wedding that looks really fun, and didn't skimp on the guest list at all.
posted by apricot at 10:20 AM on June 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
These people had a $2000 wedding that looks really fun, and didn't skimp on the guest list at all.
posted by apricot at 10:20 AM on June 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Small affair (less than 5 people) - no regrets about that.
posted by jkaczor at 4:46 PM on June 14, 2009
posted by jkaczor at 4:46 PM on June 14, 2009
Small wedding (15 people including us), with only one regret: we didn't have all the wedding photos we would have liked. We have some wedding photos that friends and family took, and they're very nice (including some sweet "candid" shots of the groom getting ready with the best man). Unfortunately, the bride's brother, who pretty much organized everything for us, only appears in one photo as the rest of the time he was serving the snacks, taking photos, getting the drinks, and making sure everyone had napkins.
It would have been nice to have someone (if not a professional photographer, then a bossy friend) to make sure that everyone had their photo taken with the bride and groom. Other than that, it was great!
posted by math at 6:16 PM on June 14, 2009
It would have been nice to have someone (if not a professional photographer, then a bossy friend) to make sure that everyone had their photo taken with the bride and groom. Other than that, it was great!
posted by math at 6:16 PM on June 14, 2009
We were planning on wedding C but I'm so glad the families ended up pressuring us into wedding A (with a dash of wedding B - first cousins of the bride and groom only, which meant I didn't get to invite the few of my first-cousins-once-removed I would have wanted there). It was great to see everyone, we spent about as much as we wanted, got some great pictures, saw some faraway cousins, and generally had a great time. We definitely did the wedding our way - got married at our old school, had a friend play the wedding march on his accordion, and
It turned out that my grandma only had a few months left, which none of us had any inkling of at the time, and I'm so glad she could see one of her granddaughters get married, and meet some of my new family. She would have been invited to wedding C too, of course, but it was hard for her to travel and I don't know whether she would have put in the effort for just a small-family-dinner type thing.
There's really something to be said for having a wedding. I hated planning it and had a lot of anxiety about it, but it probably was one of the best days of my life.
posted by crinklebat at 8:05 AM on June 15, 2009
It turned out that my grandma only had a few months left, which none of us had any inkling of at the time, and I'm so glad she could see one of her granddaughters get married, and meet some of my new family. She would have been invited to wedding C too, of course, but it was hard for her to travel and I don't know whether she would have put in the effort for just a small-family-dinner type thing.
There's really something to be said for having a wedding. I hated planning it and had a lot of anxiety about it, but it probably was one of the best days of my life.
posted by crinklebat at 8:05 AM on June 15, 2009
We got married at the courthouse with only family and a friend present. Sometimes I regret this, but when I think of how much planning, stress and money goes into a big wedding I think the very small ceremony was really the way to go. I am an introvert and the idea of having to plan all the stupid details of a day where everyone will be focused on me is horrifying, quite honesty. Also, to me, it seems like that money could be much better spent on more practical things. I think sending out a card to the friends and extended family who weren't there to notify them after the fact is a much simpler and considerably less stressful option. Also, the spontaneity of the courthouse wedding was fun; I just called the day before to make sure a judge was available to marry us, and that was the extent of the planning.
I have a friend who is in the process of planning her 150+ guest wedding and is already stressed out over it even though it is a year away. I don't envy her.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:43 PM on June 15, 2009
I have a friend who is in the process of planning her 150+ guest wedding and is already stressed out over it even though it is a year away. I don't envy her.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:43 PM on June 15, 2009
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posted by availablelight at 8:02 AM on June 13, 2009 [11 favorites]