Inconvenient corpse

May 30, 2009 5:03 PM

What's the best way to get rid of an inconvenient corpse?
posted by Brzht to technology (101 answers total)

Call the coroner.
posted by sharkfu at 5:06 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Feed it to some pigs (see Snatch).
posted by waxboy at 5:06 PM on May 30, 2009

Already well covered here. Be sure to check scarabic's answer.
posted by Serial Killer Slumber Party at 5:07 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Call a funeral home. They deal with this all the time.
posted by found missing at 5:09 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Stuff it in a sleeper sofa and put it on the curb for pickup. In front of your neighbors place of course.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 5:10 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Sausages.

Oh, and unless you're an undertaker or a necrophiliac, is there any other sort of corpse?
posted by fish tick at 5:14 PM on May 30, 2009

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm not looking for acid baths or dangerous stunts. I also would prefer no contact with a coroner. And where am I going to get pigs?

I just want the thing out of here. It's been, well, it's been a while, and I can't handle it much longer.

Help!
posted by Brzht at 5:16 PM on May 30, 2009

You know you're probably going to get banned for this, right?
posted by orange swan at 5:17 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yes but I'm desperate. I can't handle this.
posted by Brzht at 5:18 PM on May 30, 2009

Funeral pyre in the backyard. If your neighbors ask, say you're a viking.
posted by Stynxno at 5:19 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know you're probably going to get banned for this, right?

I hope so. Where is cortex to close a thread when you need him?
posted by hal_c_on at 5:20 PM on May 30, 2009

Who can I ask about this if not MeFi?
posted by Brzht at 5:24 PM on May 30, 2009

Just give me one practical answer, no pigs, no acid baths, no coroner. PLEASE!!!
posted by Brzht at 5:24 PM on May 30, 2009

I can't handle this.
posted by Brzht at 5:25 PM on May 30, 2009

If you're for real, some context might help you get answers.
posted by amyms at 5:26 PM on May 30, 2009

Is this one of those "can I eat this?" questions?
posted by fire&wings at 5:27 PM on May 30, 2009 [17 favorites]

Brzht, a corpse, an unsuspecting partner, an apartment in a major city. 3 weeks. What other information would help you?
posted by Brzht at 5:29 PM on May 30, 2009

Send me a memail and we'll see what rates and timeframe we can work out for you.
posted by notquitemaryann at 5:30 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Drive way out in the desert. Dig a hole. Check the gas tank isn't running on empty before you do this.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:31 PM on May 30, 2009

Since you have no pigs available, I have to assume you live in Afghanistan.
posted by found missing at 5:31 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Handle what? gettin called out for your stunt post so soon?
posted by Brockles at 5:33 PM on May 30, 2009

Perhaps you could state why you don't want a coroner involved? As it stands this question is raising all sorts of questions about your motives.
posted by Green With You at 5:34 PM on May 30, 2009

S>> Since you have no pigs available, I have to assume you live in Afghanistan.

No, sir, we don't. We live in -- whoa! Almost got me there. Simply put, Brzht lives in an apartment in a big city. Pigs aren't practical. Thank you for your constructive comment.
posted by Brzht at 5:35 PM on May 30, 2009

Brzht: I will match any price notquitemaryann is willing to do it for, and I'll throw in a free pig.
posted by odinsdream at 5:35 PM on May 30, 2009

I can take a polite hint.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:37 PM on May 30, 2009 [34 favorites]

Aren't you the same guy that kept trying to get us to tell you how to fake out an employer, pretending you have a college degree? What is wrong with you?!
posted by Houstonian at 5:37 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Assuming you're for real (since this hasn't been deleted yet), what is your relationship to the deceased? Why have you not done anything about the situation for three weeks? If you're in an apartment complex, how have you managed to keep the neighbors (and your "unsuspecting partner") from smelling it?

You're going to have to call the police, and be prepared to answer a lot of questions.
posted by amyms at 5:37 PM on May 30, 2009

One other thing: It was self-defense, more or less.
posted by Brzht at 5:38 PM on May 30, 2009

You know Jessamyn just promised, yesterday, to ban people who post fake AskMes?
posted by Houstonian at 5:39 PM on May 30, 2009

LOLjokepost
posted by nitsuj at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009

>>> Assuming you're for real (since this hasn't been deleted yet), what is your relationship to the deceased? Why have you not done anything about the situation for three weeks? If you're in an apartment complex, how have you managed to keep the neighbors (and your "unsuspecting partner") from smelling it?


These are good questions, but I'm not at liberty to answer them right now. The "smell" problem is the easiest.
posted by Brzht at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009

No, sir, we don't. We live in -- whoa! Almost got me there.

You're either being cheeky or trying imply criminal activity. Either way, you're not being funny, and this isn't the place for it.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009

So, are the lulz worth the five bucks?
posted by dersins at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009

For an extra size-medium Wolf Shirt, I'll take care of odinsdream for you as well.
posted by notquitemaryann at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Jessamyn is going to ban you so hard you'll forget MetaFilter ever existed.
posted by ryanrs at 5:40 PM on May 30, 2009

Wow if this is for real, and you're in NYC, I'm officially disqualifying myself for jury duty right here and now. Thanks!
posted by AlisonM at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2009

These are good questions, but I'm not at liberty to answer them right now.

If you can't or won't answer any questions, then how are we supposed to answer yours?
posted by amyms at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2009

I asked a simple question. I'm not being cheeky. The creep said "You must live in Afghanistan" and I said no, we don't And no, under the circumstances, I'm not just going to tell the world where I live! WOULD YOU?
posted by Brzht at 5:42 PM on May 30, 2009

There is really no good reason to keep posting comments in this thread.
posted by found missing at 5:43 PM on May 30, 2009

Somebody help me. I've got about 180 lbs of unwanted corpse in my apartment. I can't handles this!
posted by Brzht at 5:44 PM on May 30, 2009

Were those 25,000 post cards really the corpse in disguise?
posted by biochemist at 5:44 PM on May 30, 2009

It was self-defense, more or less.

If you killed someone in self-defense, you're going to have a hell of a time proving it after three weeks.
posted by amyms at 5:44 PM on May 30, 2009

I can't handles this.
posted by applemeat at 5:45 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

You handled it for three weeks, but now you are worried?
posted by Houstonian at 5:45 PM on May 30, 2009

Call the fucking police and prepare to spend some time in prison.
posted by tristeza at 5:45 PM on May 30, 2009

I have some neighbors two streets over that have, in addition to central A/C, two window units in their dining room windows. These things run 24/7/52. It must be 42 F in there. Every time I walk by I wonder what smells the cold is supressing.
posted by zinfandel at 5:45 PM on May 30, 2009

>> If you killed someone in self-defense, you're going to have a hell of a time proving it after three weeks.

Well, that's another question I'm going to need help with. (I said 'more or less.') But right now I've got to deal with THIS.
posted by Brzht at 5:46 PM on May 30, 2009

This should really be our response to all these posts.
posted by OrangeDrink at 5:47 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

You're either being cheeky or trying imply criminal activity.

I'm not being cheeky.

In that case, get a lawyer and shut the hell up, for god's sake. If this is for real you are probably going to be in some serious trouble.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 5:47 PM on May 30, 2009

Call a lawyer. Idiot.
posted by Green With You at 5:47 PM on May 30, 2009

Your question has already been answered: Call the police and be prepared to answer a lot of questions. You've made this much harder on yourself by waiting three weeks.
posted by amyms at 5:48 PM on May 30, 2009

This is not very encouraging.
posted by Brzht at 5:48 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Also. Gumbo.
posted by zinfandel at 5:49 PM on May 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

Everyone seems to be assuming this is a human corpse. But could it be, say, a pot-bellied pig? In that case call a butcher rather than a coroner.
posted by fish tick at 5:49 PM on May 30, 2009

After 3 weeks, I imagine it's not just a smell. How are the bugs?
posted by Houstonian at 5:49 PM on May 30, 2009

When you come across a drunk on an Interstate highway median, and he needs help, what do you tell him? "You shouldn't have gotten drunk! You shouldn't have walked onto the highway!"

That's not helpful.
posted by Brzht at 5:50 PM on May 30, 2009

If this is for real you are probably going to be in some serious trouble.


If this is for real, you are too stupid to possibly avoid prison time, lawyer or no lawyer. However, this is not for real, which means you're even stupider. Also, childish. And banned.
posted by dersins at 5:50 PM on May 30, 2009

But could it be, say, a pot-bellied pig?

There aren't a lot of facts available here; but, one thing we do know is there are no pigs.
posted by found missing at 5:50 PM on May 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

I can't imagine that this is anything other than a stunt, but on the off chance it's real.

1) Call a criminal defense lawyer

2) Call the police

3) When you're arrested, remain silent other than to say that you're represented by an attorney and would like to speak to her/him as soon as possible

4) Do exactly what your attorney says
posted by decathecting at 5:51 PM on May 30, 2009

>>> you are too stupid to possibly avoid prison time

Like I said. Not helpful.
posted by Brzht at 5:51 PM on May 30, 2009

This is not very encouraging.

What kind of "encouragement" were you looking for? Perhaps something like this:

Rah Rah Rah! Man up and call the police (and a lawyer first if you can afford one - if not, ask for one after the police place you under arrest for murder). Siss boom bah!
posted by amyms at 5:51 PM on May 30, 2009 [3 favorites]

There are some types of questions AskMe just doesn't do well.
posted by zinfandel at 5:52 PM on May 30, 2009

I can't imagine this being the kind of question anyone would do well.
posted by jeanmari at 5:54 PM on May 30, 2009

OrangeDrink, that is my favorite episode.

IGNORE ME!

Watching this thread with interest.
posted by InsanePenguin at 5:54 PM on May 30, 2009

When you come across a drunk on an Interstate highway median, and he needs help, what do you tell him? "You shouldn't have gotten drunk! You shouldn't have walked onto the highway!"

That's not helpful.

When you pose a question, and then impose an unreasonable constraint (no pigs), that's not helpful.
posted by found missing at 5:55 PM on May 30, 2009 [8 favorites]

congratulations on the most successful askme trolling I've seen in some time. I'd say please don't do this (ever again), but...you won't be.


man, the banhammering on this is going to be epic.
posted by namewithoutwords at 5:55 PM on May 30, 2009

Also, I bet if it IS real, WHEN you get caught (not if, but when,) this thread is going to ensure you spend time in jail.
posted by InsanePenguin at 5:55 PM on May 30, 2009

OK, Brzht, I'm going to pretend I don't think this is fake. What's the cause of death and the state of decay? Is there a lot of blood? Where have you been keeping the body thus far, and how have you kept it from being discovered?
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 5:55 PM on May 30, 2009

1-800-DEAD-COW
posted by 31d1 at 5:56 PM on May 30, 2009

OK, I'm willing to do the pigs. But where on earth am I going to find one? Let along a dozen.
posted by Brzht at 5:56 PM on May 30, 2009

Everyone seems to be assuming this is a human corpse. But could it be, say, a pot-bellied pig?

Corpse:

Noun * S: (n) cadaver, corpse, stiff, clay, remains (the dead body of a human being) "the cadaver was intended for dissection"; "the end of the police search was the discovery of a corpse"; "the murderer confessed that he threw the stiff in the river"; "honor comes to bless the turf that wraps their clay"

I mean, at this point, if it's not a person, Brzht is just leading us on, which is kind of douchey.
posted by AlisonM at 5:56 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Go rent the movie Eastern Promises.
posted by prunes at 5:56 PM on May 30, 2009

Is this a human corpse?
posted by theclaw at 5:57 PM on May 30, 2009

Is it the corpse of a mod? Because I cannot believe that one hasn't shut this down yet.
posted by chudmonkey at 5:59 PM on May 30, 2009 [4 favorites]

If you wait it out long enough, it'll dry out and the smell will probably go away. Just be patient.
posted by Houstonian at 5:59 PM on May 30, 2009

Okay. Seriously now. Cut off the fingers and pull out the teeth. Make a hot fire. And intensely hot fire. VERY HOT. Burn those. Make sure the teeth are gone.

Take body to running water and dump. Or a construction site with fresh concrete.
posted by InsanePenguin at 5:59 PM on May 30, 2009

Pics or it didn't happen.
posted by applemeat at 5:59 PM on May 30, 2009 [7 favorites]

Is it the corpse of a mod? Because I cannot believe that one hasn't shut this down yet.

I hope they're all on the phone with the police.
posted by amyms at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2009 [2 favorites]

Cause of death: blow to head, apparently. I'm no doctor.
Blood: Not much, all cleaned up.
State of decay: unknown but well cooled.
Where. Freezer.
How kept it quiet. Nobody looks in the freezer. We eat out every night.
posted by Brzht at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2009

If the body-of-whatever-it-is is indeed taking up useful space in your deep freeze, perhaps dropping it from the roof of your apartment building would occasion an impressive shattering that might render it unrecognizeable?
posted by fish tick at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2009

I've got about 180 lbs of unwanted corpse in my apartment.

How much did it weigh 3 weeks ago?
posted by cjorgensen at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

STAND BACK EVERYONE, HE'S WILLING TO DO THE PIGS. THAT'S IT, RIGHT BACK. NO, FURTHER. THAT'S IT.
posted by Beautiful Screaming Lady at 6:00 PM on May 30, 2009

http://www.buysellpigs.com/
posted by found missing at 6:01 PM on May 30, 2009

I hope they're all on the phone with the police.

That would be excellent!
posted by Houstonian at 6:01 PM on May 30, 2009

Wow - lucky guess.
posted by fish tick at 6:01 PM on May 30, 2009

OK, answer this, so that specific aid can be solicited: is it a human corpse?
posted by mkultra at 6:01 PM on May 30, 2009

I hope they're all on the phone with the police.

Duh, I should have thought of that. So should someone else have.
posted by chudmonkey at 6:03 PM on May 30, 2009

Anyone know what time vacapinta wakes up?
posted by cjorgensen at 6:03 PM on May 30, 2009

If it's in the freezer, why does it smell?
posted by Houstonian at 6:03 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

I think the best case scenario for you is that when the mods find this they contact you first so you can explain to them that someone you know used your account without your knowledge and that you're very sorry and it won't happen again.

Worst case scenario: prison.
posted by Green With You at 6:04 PM on May 30, 2009

If the body-of-whatever-it-is is indeed taking up useful space in your deep freeze, perhaps dropping it from the roof of your apartment building would occasion an impressive shattering that might render it unrecognizeable?

Bones proved that the body wouldn't shatter, at least not from significant height.

So what if it's TV? Want to take that chance?
posted by InsanePenguin at 6:04 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

We eat out every night.

So I guess gumbo is out.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:04 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

He's failed to take previous threads' advice about activated carbon.
posted by notquitemaryann at 6:05 PM on May 30, 2009

Also, can't believe no one has caught this, but: Why is this posted to Technology?
posted by InsanePenguin at 6:05 PM on May 30, 2009 [5 favorites]

I think you just don't hang out with writers in high school. They're all about writing after one another and talking about surrealists like no one's ever thought about it. Lame. Ass.

I mean, this is an exquisite corpse you're talking about right?

A boy walked into a troll NOW YOU GO!!!!
posted by OrangeDrink at 6:05 PM on May 30, 2009

You have a 180-pound body in the freezer?

(a) your freezer is huge. you also live in a big city. you mention eating out. = you have a huge freezer because you're interested in cooking. but you say you eat out every night. meh?

(b) clearly the body is stored in the freezer in chunks. you already have your work halfway done. I suggest this website for a helpful guide on pre-processing the chunks.
posted by suedehead at 6:06 PM on May 30, 2009

How many people share the living space with you, and how many are oblivious to the corpse? Is it intact or in pieces?
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 6:06 PM on May 30, 2009

This is a placemarker so I can find this once it's been banhammered into oblivion.

Actually, do you have any sort of ban hammer? They have quite a bit of heft and can easily shatter a frozen corpse.
posted by Jilder at 6:07 PM on May 30, 2009

Also, can't believe no one has caught this, but: Why is this posted to Technology?

"the practical application of knowledge especially in a particular area"
posted by Flunkie at 6:08 PM on May 30, 2009

An apartment in a major city...Eat out every night...

Sounds like you're kind of a catch! ...Except for the body in your freezer.
posted by applemeat at 6:08 PM on May 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

You have a 180-pound body in the freezer?

Could be a chest freezer. That would fit the body easily.
posted by InsanePenguin at 6:08 PM on May 30, 2009