Telling your kids about the drug users in the family?

May 9, 2009 9:59 AM

How do you best address family members' drug abuse/criminal history with your children?

I have a son who is almost 3, and another on the way. I've been thinking about some of the issues we'll someday have to discuss with our children (such as drug use, sticking to the right path in life, etc.) and wondering how best to bring up some very negative history with some immediate family members.

Some of that history (sorry in advance for the length):

My husband's younger brother, now in his late 20's, has had lifelong problems -- ADD, some very serious unlabeled behavioral issues, possible learning disabilities, etc. In his late teens he started getting into very serious trouble with the law. He became addicted to heroin and used other drugs as well. He was arrested and incarcerated a couple of times, including a several years long sentence for drug-related charges and theft. He was released about 5 years ago and has been on methadone for probably 8 years (including the period of his latest incarceration). He's not got a lot going for him -- still on methadone, lives at home with his parents, and has difficulty adapting to jobs. However, he's also attending a trade school for computers, was recently married (wife lives in his parents' home too) and is a very devoted uncle to our son. To my knowledge, he's not been in any trouble whatsoever since he was released from prison 5 years ago. His problems have become somewhat of a joke in the family (not as malicious as it sounds, just occasional joking references to his imprisonment and the creative ways he found to pass the time, stuff like that).

My husband's father is in his mid-50's, is diagnosed bipolar and takes medication. He has worked in various management fields all his life, served some time in the Navy, has been married to my husband's mom for 30+ years, owns a nice home, and to outside eyes is a typical upper-middle class guy. He also spent quite a few years (including the heavy-drug use period of his son, my husband's brother) abusing drugs himself, and a few years ago, became addicted to crack. Literally. There were all kinds of incidents, including him disappearing for several days, getting beaten up by a drug dealer, trying to steal from one of his other sons, and other nasty things. He was arrested on drug charges also, but received probation before judgment. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward at the hospital in the days leading up to my first son's birth, and actually was released just in time to take the elevator to the L&D floor to visit. His drug abuse continued off-and-on for a few more months, then he evidently completed an outpatient rehab program, some counseling, got a new executive position and apparently has been fine for about two years now. He is also crazy about my son. Unlike the situation with his son, my father-in-law's addiction and related behaviors are never mentioned, though we're all aware of them -- they're the elephant in the room, so to speak.

I guess my main question is how you go about talking to your children about these kinds of family issues (when the time comes, that is -- not anytime soon, obviously!). My son adores both of these people and we see that side of the family about once a week, on average. I know that eventually, he is going to find out about his uncle's problems, and possibly his grandfather's also. I want to be able to be honest with my child about the behaviors and the consequences of those behaviors, but I also don't want to bias my child against his family any more than necessary. We do have a good relationship with my husband's family, and would like to maintain that.

If anyone has any firsthand experience with discussing family members who are less-than-stellar role models for your children, I'd really appreciate it. Any other advice is welcome too. Thanks in advance.

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

You need to be honest with your child about these things - not as a way to moralize and instruct - but because this kid is probably hardwired to a certain extent to deal with these same problems at some point. My father was very open with us about the history of alcohol abuse and addiction in our family. That didn't stop me from developing my own drinking problem. But what it DID do was provide me the insight and the knowledge I needed to know how to get help when I needed it. It also removed a lot of the stigma for me associated with admitting I had a problem.

Also consider that, if your family members continue to make good recovery, they may be happy to talk to your children about their experiences.
posted by greekphilosophy at 10:10 AM on May 9

Honesty is key. Answer his questions as they come up. You dont have to go into all the sorted details on the first question.
posted by Flood at 10:18 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

Bringing up the indiscretions of family members to your children as an object lesson will reduce the amount of trust they have with loved ones. This must be balanced with whatever value the "lesson" might have.You don't want your child loving grandpa or uncle Jimmy less.

Also Grandpa and uncle Jimmy have a right to their privacy about these issues. Part of their recovery involves finding a place for themselves where their addiction isn't the overarching fact of their lives.

From personal experience, the value of the "lesson" is generally quite low and also could become a vehicle for the child's parent's anger towards those who had addiction issues.

In short, the odds are this is a bad idea.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:22 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

I have a variety of family members who have had substance abuse problems. From when I was old enough to understand when I heard other relatives mention them, my parents were very open about them. There was no judging them or anything like that, but they didn't try to hide anything from me, either. It really was a lesson for me, and I think seeing what happened to those relatives led me to completely avoid similar problems or addictions myself (lord knows I have the genes for it).

Basically, don't make a big point of sitting your kid down and telling him about his uncle and grandfather's problems, but if someone else brings them up and he asks what they're talking about, don't lie about it or try to hide it. Just tell them the truth.
posted by ishotjr at 10:28 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

A few of my uncles are alcoholics and have used/are using hard drugs. I don't recall being aware of this until I was in my teens, maybe even my late teens. My mother never, ever used them as a morality story to me when I was a kid, and I'm glad she didn't because it really would have changed my opinions of them. I sort of figured it out myself and my mother confirmed my suspicions.

You don't need to bring this up until your child does. Don't use it as a morality lesson, and when you are giving morality lessons, mention that the PEOPLE aren't bad, but that drugs can make them do bad things or are unhealthy or things like that. This way, when your child realizes that people he loves have abused drugs, he will more likely be able to see it as a bad choice rather than viewing his loved ones as bad people.

When he is older and you talk with him about drug and alcohol use of his own, if this has never come up, you might need to bring it up then so that he's aware of his own potential proclivities for addiction. I think that's important for him to know, but he really doesn't need to know a whole lot of detail about his uncle's or grandfather's cases.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:33 AM on May 9 [2 favorites]

You will want to phrase these discussions along the lines of "He made some bad decisions." Don't make excuses for them and don't make your children think these are bad people. These are people who are loved. Unfortunately, they've made some very bad decisions. Kids really understand this concept.

When you need to discuss the drug use, it is easy to set it in context of "this is a bad decision because it is not a safe thing to do." Little ones can get this. As the child matures, you can explain why using drugs is not a safe thing to do.
posted by onhazier at 11:09 AM on May 9

I have sort of had this conversation with Sophie in a roundabout way. It started out one night when we were walking in Philadelphia and a homeless person approached us and asked Sophie for money (the woman specifically asked *Sophie* and not me, which pissed me off, but that's for another thread).

We then went into a conversation that took a few twists and turns about homelessness, etc., but ultimately centered on how some people take drugs (not the same as medicine from doctors) that make their minds feel good. And sometimes they like that feeling so much, they can't -- or don't want to -- stop taking the drugs. We also talked about how there is a grown up drink that works the same way, in that it makes your brain work differently and it feels good, but only for a little while. And sometimes people remember that feeling and try again and again to get that feeling back. We talked about how it's all these people can think about and how they can lose their jobs, and run out of money, and sometimes lose their homes, or get sick. I explained that my father was like that, and that he was sad that he couldn't stop, but that his brain and his body wouldn't let him. And that it didn't necessarily make him a bad person, but that his brain needing this feeling was stronger than he was.

She seemed to be able to grasp it for the most part. I didn't get into any sort moral aspects of our conversation, and don't plan to until it's required. She's a really empathetic little girl to begin with, and the entire topic started with her wanting to go home and get the homeless woman her piggy bank. I attempted to explain to her that giving that lady money probably wouldn't help her, because she would likely not use the money to buy food or clothes. That maybe we would be better off making a donation to people that have gone to school or have specifically learned how to best help people like her. Or, maybe we could give her a sandwich the next time we saw her. Sophie seemed OK with that.

I think our job, as parents, is to give them information on a level that they can grasp without it being coloured by our experiences. It's not something that is necessarily easy, and I'm sure we will revisit it. But in the mean time, my explanation has seemed to have quell her curiosity. I realise that Sophie is a little older than your son, but I think that if you give him just very basic information on an 'as needed' basis, he will be OK. Kids seem to be satiated with must less info than we think they need when it comes to this stuff.

I don't envy your position, as I know it's got to be stressful. But I think that if you take deep breaths, and just go slowly, you will find your way. Good luck. You'll be fine! Hugs to you.
posted by dancinglamb at 11:20 AM on May 9 [3 favorites]

Don't bring it up unless it becomes and issue that needs to be dealt with.

It sounds like your brother-in-law is making a tremendous effort to mend his ways. Let your child know him as a good uncle, not as a former junkie.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 11:22 AM on May 9 [1 favorite]

I commend you for wanting to have a good approach if and when it comes up, but consider the possibility that by the time the kid is old enough to be curious and ask questions these people may have straightened up enough for it not to be an issue.
posted by rhizome at 11:49 AM on May 9

I am someone who heard too young, and without enough affectionate context, about substance-abuse problems in one side of my extended family. It definitely colored my opinions, and I was too young to be truly empathetic. I would advise telling only what is necessary, and when it's necessary, to let your child know there's some family history of substance abuse. And let it come from your husband.
posted by palliser at 12:17 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]

i have no children so i have no anecdotes about spilling family beans to the kiddies. i am, though, the person who was once a less-than-stellar role model.

what would you tell them if you had a family history of cancer, heart disease, or parkinson's? all other issues aside, addictions are as hereditary as any other physical or mental illness. and like most of those, addiction can be fatal, or it can be something that can be brought under control--a 'remission,' if you will.

from the black sheep's perspective, i feel the same way about my family telling their kids as i do about me telling other people--if what you want is a blow-by-blow of all the specific instances that screamed out 'alcoholic! addict!', i'm not the least bit interested in giving you war stories. if my telling you can in some way help you better understand the disease or the person with the disease or how to cope with the person with the disease, i don't hesitate. not for a second.

consider that your children have a right to know what they're genetically predisposed toward. they have a right to know. if & when you decide to tell them (and i hope you do), don't do it in a gawk-at-a-car-wreck kind of way; do it in a simple, factual manner that helps to explain that some people face difficulties that for whatever reason can't be overcome; others face difficulties and are lucky enough to turn them around.

good luck.
posted by msconduct at 2:00 PM on May 9

My mom's parents had a drinking problem before I was born, but had sobered up by the time I came along and have stayed sober ever since. As a ten- or twelve-year-old, I knew that her parents had been alcoholics, and I knew the definition of the word, but it wasn't until I was in my late teens that my mom started telling me actual stories from that time in her life. It turned out that they were pretty mild — nothing illegal, for instance, and nothing violent — but even still, hearing the stories really made it clear that her parents' alcoholism hadn't just been a neutral fact in my mom's life, it had really hurt her.

Anyway, that approach worked pretty well for me. I'm glad that I learned the facts about alcoholism early. I'm also glad that I was sheltered from the sordid details until I'd already figured out on my own that you could love people who weren't perfect.

My parents were also good role models for responsible, moderate drinking, and I started getting a glass of wine with dinner young enough that the whole thing was pretty much demystified for me by the time I was old enough to drink on my own. Obviously, you can't and shouldn't try to "demystify" harder drugs the same way, but I feel like learning to drink responsibly put me in a good position to make decisions about other drugs later on, and I imagine it might do the same for your son.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:24 PM on May 9

As someone who grew up with some fairly serious problem drinkers in my family, I was told maybe too late [after a drunken relative had driven me home and scared the hell out of me]. I think there should be a nice way that you can give your family members privacy about the details of thir past -- and I commend you for trying to be even handed about this and not reactionary -- while at the same time making sure your child knows that if something seems wrong to them, that it's okay to tell Mom and Dad.

Not that this shouldn't be the message about everyone they know, but if there's a way to just make sure your kid feels safe and secure letting you know if someone seems weird to them that's a big step. Everyone in my family pretended that the other people in my family did NOT have drug/drinking problems and pooh-poohed my reports of people being weird and/or dangerous (as in the drinking/driving incident) and it was a bit of a problem for me as a child. It really wasn't until I was much older that I was able to understand

- those adults behaving badly were drunk, not just totally erratic in ways that were strange and mysterious to me
- those people who told me they were not drunk were lying to me

So, keep your eyes and ears open while at the same time maintaining a decent and compassionate attitude towards your family members. Saying that people have had problems, or made bad decisions is totally appropriate and it sounds like your approach to their lives will allow you to give decent and caring responsed to your son's questions.
posted by jessamyn at 2:42 PM on May 9 [1 favorite]

I had an uncle who was a biker that sold meth and automatic weapons and did ten years in state prison. When I found out about all this stuff as a kid he basically became my idol. Little boys particularly think a lot of this kind of stuff is totally awesome, so don't sweat too hard.
posted by The Straightener at 3:37 PM on May 9

Also, don't stigmatize methadone. it shouldn't be seen as any different than prozac or insulin. it is, in fact, the single most effective treatment known for opioid addiction, period, according to the Institute of Medicine (the organization that Congress uses to determine the best practices and answers to medical debates).

Someone on methadone is every much as "in recovery" as someone who is abstinent if they are not using other drugs in an addictive fashion on top of it.

So, if I were you, I'd learn more about methadone from organizations like The Alliance (UK) and the National Alliance for Medication Assisted Recovery (US) and don't consider your brother-in-law to be an "active addict" because he's on it.

America tends to see people with addictions who aren't in 12-step programs and completely drug-free as 'still addicted' and this often drives people who benefit from methadone into trying and failing repeatedly at abstinence, when, in fact, they do much better on methadone. And there are more people who recover without 12-step programs than do with them, though there certainly are people who benefit.

A person on methadone is not cognitively, emotionally or physically impaired if the dose is steady: tolerance develops within days to any "high" so the belief that being on methadone means that the person is still "high" all the time is a misunderstanding of physiology.

So, support his recovery and don't spread myths to your children about addicts. Addiction does involve poor choices but there are lots of people who make the same poor choices but do not become addicted because they don't have the genetics or the environmental experiences that make them vulnerable to addiction.

It is like any other mental illness and should be treated with compassion, and kids should be taught to do the same. The best drug education has little to do with drugs-- if you want to prevent addiction, the best thing you can do is love your kids, give them a good education, surround them with loving people, don't abuse your kids, teach them symptoms of mental illness and to seek help not self medicate if they have these. And also, that they shouldn't use drugs or drink but if they have questions, they should ask you and if they do find themselves in trouble, teach them that you will find help for them, not punish them-- and stick to that by ensuring any help sought is not punitive but kind.
posted by Maias at 6:18 PM on May 9

In both cases, it sounds like this is not just about "bad choices" but these are also people whose brains are predisposed in ways that cause them problems. As things come up, I would look for opportunities to talk about how every person is born with a unique brain that make some things easier and some things harder. Harder doesn't mean you can't do it, just that you have to work harder at than most people. In the same easier doesn't make you superior, it is just that when combined with practice, it can make it easier for you to become very skilled in that area.

For example, I am virtually tone deaf. With practice, I can figure out if one note is higher or lower than another. If I worked really hard, I might even be able to identify ratios or name notes but it would be struggle compared to my uncle who seemed to just naturally hear these things. On the other hand, I have a natural advantage when comes to reading which made me a good student. So when my son was brilliant at math, I told him not to get cocky because he had a natural advantage - but he was going to have to work hard to develop it. And when he had trouble catching a ball or learning to do a somersault (gift from both of his uncoordinated parents), I told him that it was harder for him but he could learn if he worked at it.

This is a nice discussion to have when he is comparing himself to friends who are quicker or slower to learn something than he is (nothing to do with drug addiction). Then later, when the time is right, you can then use the same approach to talking about your family members. A person with bipolar disorder has a brain that has trouble controlling emotions. When their emotions are out of control, they have a hard time making good decisions. However, with medication and practice (aka therapy), they can learn to keep their emotions under control so that their intense feelings don't get in the way of making good choices.

In your brother-in-law's case, there are several different problems ganging up on him. He didn't realize that his brain was making it hard to make good choices so for a long time instead of getting help he went along making bad choices. But we are very proud of him now because he has worked really hard at learning how to do things better. Some things are still difficult for him (like maybe concentration) but he is a hard worker and doesn't give up.

This also a great example of how your family still loves people, even if they mess up big time. Also you hope he will be like them and when he has problems or makes a mistake, be able to learn from the situation and do better next time.
posted by metahawk at 6:44 PM on May 9 [3 favorites]

I grew up in a family where I had immediate and extended family members with drug and alcohol issues. I agree with the people above who said, in essence, to be honest. But it also needs to be age appropriate and it needs to be with you and your spouse in agreement. A 3-year-old doesn't understand much on that issue and I can't see how it would come up. If you don't want to leave your kid with the drunk uncle but the kid wants to stay, then that's a great time to take the kid aside and say, "hey, Uncle Joe has some private problems with alcohol and we don't think it's the best thing for you to stay with him." Etc. Don't do it to make your kid take sides or to poison someone against them but be honest, be firm and let them ask questions.
posted by amanda at 8:01 PM on May 9

I don't see why there's any reason to explain anything to your pre-school child so long as your relatives are in remission. This is not an active problem. The past should be in the past where it belongs. The gallows-humor teasing of his uncle should really stop.

If the problems are not in remission, and your child wants to stay with his drunk uncle you simply say "no, because I said so." There is no need to explain everything to children. This is an unfortunate hallmark of parenting that has developed over the last few years. It puts burdens on children that they are not ready to carry, and should not have to carry.

As you child grows up, perhaps fifth to sixth grade level, he will need to know there is a family medical history of addiction. Convey to your child throughout his life, in subtle ways, your own values about substance use and abuse -- predominently by your own example. Don't use drugs or alcohol in his presence. Express dismay about drug use and abuse. Comment on the tragedy of lives ruined without talking about his relatives -- there are plenty of Hollywood examples. The consequences of use so far as he is concerned are far different than the consequences to others because of the medical history. This will help him form intelligent choices.
posted by inkyr2 at 12:51 AM on May 10

Not to push an agenda here or anything, BUT when you do end up telling your kids about the dangers of drugs, please don't go the D.A.R.E. route. I feel like it's terrible in the same way as abstinence-only sex-education is terrible, in that it teaches kids that ALL drugs are BAD, and, worst of all, equally bad.

Teach the kids about the varying level of harm associated with drugs. This way, when they inevitably try marijuana or ecstasy and don't end up living on the street, they don't assume that other drugs can't be worse/more addictive/harmful.

Of course, I have no kids, so take this advice with a grain of salt. In general though, treating kids with trust, honesty and giving them MORE information, rather than less information seems like a good thing, in general. Treat addiction as a disease, and don't conflate it with the morality of drug use, or whether or not their relative is a good person.

I think that holding off until they can better understand and separate the person from the behavior/disease is also a smart choice.
posted by darkshade at 1:13 PM on May 12