What's a cure for restlessness?

April 24, 2009 9:44 AM

I'm 22 and feel like I'm missing out on something big, but I don't know what I want.

I graduated from college last May with a degree in social services. I never studied abroad, even though all of my friends did, because I just didn't have the motivation (or the money, really) to get it together. I'm kind of an anomaly among my social circle... traveling is the "thing" to do, and for good reason, I know.

Now, I've graduated, and I live in a city about a half hour from my hometown. I commute back to my hometown everyday to work in a small cafe. I like being close to the people I grew up with, but I am burning out in food service. I feel like I should "get out there".. go abroad, move someplace else/or just do something that will make me look back in ten years and say, "go me!". But I'm scared, and I don't know if I necessarily want to. I've halfway-filled out applications to WorldTeach and the PeaceCorps, but I've never finished them because I think, "shit - do I really want to go to teach in China for a year?"

I really enjoy being by myself, going for walks and reading. I also spend about fifteen hours a week volunteering with Bhutanese refugee families in my city. I love it and I've thought about applying for a job at the agency. But I'm afraid I will really regret it if I don't put myself out there, physically. The problem is that there is no place I truly want to go, and I don't have a lot of money to spend doing something half-heartedly. I'm also scared, because I have only been abroad once before, when I was 12. But not doing anything is making me feel worthless.

I look around me and see people who want to go somewhere, and they make it happen. I guess I'm looking for books, movies, or first hand experience that will motivate me to make a change in my life. What's the cure for this restlessness?

posted by pintapicasso to travel & transportation (32 comments total)

I feel like I should "get out there".. go abroad, move someplace else/or just do something that will make me look back in ten years and say, "go me!".

There is a whole lot of space in between working at a cafe and teaching abroad. Have you considered simply looking for a job in your field that you think would make you feel more fulfilled?
posted by amro at 9:48 AM on April 24 [2 favorites]

There's a difference between wanting to go somewhere and feeling like you should go somewhere. It sounds like you find working with the refugee families really rewarding, and that you might really like a job at the agency. Why don't you give that a try? There's no deadline for going abroad... if you're still feeling unfulfilled in a year, you can revisit that option then.

Of course, if you yearn to travel and have adventures but are just feeling tentative, that's a different story. In that case, why not start with something shorter than a year? Can you go and volunteer somewhere for a few weeks or a month to see if you like it?
posted by cider at 9:53 AM on April 24

Yes, I've thought about taking an Americorps job at the Refugee office. I think I would enjoy the work and learn a lot. However, the thought of settling down for another year in my city is kind of depressing. I would love to volunteer somewhere for less than a year, but from what I've found you either a. have to pay mucho $, or b. have connections, which I don't.
posted by pintapicasso at 9:57 AM on April 24

I know it's difficult when it seems like everyone else is doing something, and having a blast doing it, and you wonder why you aren't doing it too - or why you don't even really want to. But don't be so quick to think that because everyone else is travelling or living abroad that it's right for you too.

When I read that you volunteer with Bhutanese families for 15 hours a week, I thought, wow! I'm the same age as you (and also not currently planning any big adventures abroad), and I think that's pretty big and impressive, and certainly you shouldn't feel like you're not doing anything of worth.

It's obviously something you really enjoy, so perhaps look at making a career out of it like you said. Then you'd be doing something you love, and you're on the 'career ladder' too. And, if in a few years you felt like moving away, you'd at least have a job that you can do in other places, too.

In short, you say you want to be motivated to make a change in your life, and that's a good thing - but make sure you're making changes that you want and not doing things because you think they're what you 'ought' to do.

Or, on preview, everything that cider said! Also, you might find the thought of settling down in your city for another year a bit more exciting if you know you have a 'proper job' doing something you love, and you're on the road somewhere, career wise.
posted by schmoo at 10:01 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

You're looking for books eh?

Well, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance changed my life. Not sure what it can do for you though.
posted by sunshinesky at 10:02 AM on April 24

Man, you are totally missing out! I wish I could tell you about the awesome thing you are missing out on but those of us over here enjoying it are just having too much fun!

Seriously, there is no one thing. There is no one way. I've done the work near home deal. I've done the work/study abroad deal. In the end still end up struggling between searching for more and settling into your comfort zone. It is just natural for some people.

I will tell you though, that it gets way worse as you get older and much harder to actually live out your fantasies. At this point in your life you are far less encumbered. You most likely have your health and no serious commitments (no kids, career, motgage...). Now is the time to do something like Peace Corps. You also have the advantage in that you would be doing it for yourself. You aren't going abroad or mobving to a new place or whatever because it is the "in thing" or because someone else wants you to do it. This is pure selfishness, and at this time in your life that is not a bad thing.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:03 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

You want motivation? Check out "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset." I watched "Before Sunset" at 35 and, yeah, it is *dead* *on*.

If it makes you feel better, 22 is really really young. While it's important to achieve your full potential and avoid slacking off, you have time to move more slowly, and really figure out what you want to do, so don't feel too pressured. Also, take the time to do your research and plan for success.

I graduated at 23 in a recessionary economy with a fairly useless (to me at the time degree). I spent a summer working as a cook in a restaurant, and then left for Japan.

It was a good choice because there were lots of teaching jobs at that time, so I didn't have to worry about money once I got to the country. It did take me three months to find a job, and one of the companies I worked for was very, very bad.

I noticed for the first years in Japan that things always seemed to work out for me. Life could be very serendipitous. I also noticed, though, that some young foreigners could not handle living there, and would break down and flee back home.

So you should think of that.

In terms of "having connections", all you need to do is focus on networking. Make cold calls asking for information. *Make* your own connections.

Your life is just starting! You'll never go wrong if you figure out what you want to do and make steps towards attaining that goal. Good luck!
posted by KokuRyu at 10:09 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Look, you're really, really, really limiting yourself by not even trying to apply for these job, volunteering, or teaching opportunities. Half-completed applications, or, worse, contemplated applications, are less than worthless--because, if you never intend to actually try for anything, all that half-assed daydreaming is really just wasted time. You need to go ahead and finish those applications and actually give yourself the chance to realistically ponder your options when you're in a situation where you have options.

(And I wonder, why aren't you at least finishing those applications? Is it a fear of failure? Not even trying might feel safer, but if you never risk anything, you never gain anything, either.)

It's not that I don't empathize. I was in your situation right after college, only I was living at my mom's house, to boot, and working a job that, while not retail, was extremely unchallenging. It's a common situation for recent college graduates. But you need to use that feeling of malaise about your situation to spur you to change your situation. The worst part of staying at home indefinitely--and I had, more or less, up to age 22--is that you never learn about your options. You might get to another place and hate it. Or you might get there and make a ton of friends who you feel emotionally and intellectually connected with and find a challenging job. The truth, I've found, is usually somewhere in between--every place has its strengths and weaknesses--but you won't find that out if you never go anywhere.

Oh, and just a note--the people might be keeping you tied to your current location for now, but don't be surprised if in the next few years, these same people start to scatter elsewhere. I guarantee you that your friends and family would be sad to hear that you're in an unhappy, bored situation simply because of their close physical proximity. You need to seek out what makes you happy and emotionally healthy aside from people. You'll be much more unhappy, I promise, if you stick around for your friends but they, eventually, go on to bigger or better things.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:10 AM on April 24 [2 favorites]

If you think you might be interested in going somewhere, try exploring that place's culture a little more. If you were really interested in some cultural aspect of that place, it would make you want to go there. For instance, I'm pretty sure any anime/manga nerd would kill to go to Japan. I personally don't have any first-hand experience, but I think this could be considered something like that. It's basically an editorial series written by a man who participated in the JET Program (it's a program where you go to Japan to teach English to Japanese students for a year). It's well-written and pretty entertaining (if you read it, you might want to start from the beginning). If you were to read just ONE editorial, I would suggest reading "Moeko's Owl."
posted by nel at 10:11 AM on April 24

Are you looking for a cure for restlessness or motivation to go abroad? I've thrice read this post because it isn't clear that even you know the answer to that. The key refrain appears to be "I don't want to commit for an entire year". Of course you don't want to, you're 22, you should feel ambivalent about almost everything. Unfortunately, I think you will fail to find any material which will make your decision any easier.

I regret not having done what you contemplate. I wish I could say this in a way that doesn't sound condescending: but it's only a year.
posted by fydfyd at 10:13 AM on April 24

There is no good cure for youthful wanderlust. Heck, it even continues to affect me into my 40s.

I didn't do the Peace Corps myself, but my partner of 17 years spent 7 years in Africa in the 70s, and it was pivotal in his life. That might be worth looking into more seriously. Maybe you should find a website / discussion group of PC volunteers and ask them about their experiences?
posted by hippybear at 10:16 AM on April 24

Go join the Coast Guard. Go rescue people for a living.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:18 AM on April 24

Americorps has a lot of options. You can find positions all throughout the US, in all sorts of activities. Also, the positions only last a year or two. You could choose to push yourself into something wholly new to you, or just nudge yourself out of your comfort zone. If you're not sure what will happen, call someone who is currently working in the program where you're thinking about going. Many universities have on-campus Americorps representatives who will answer your questions and help you decide if it's what you're looking to do.

If you're looking to see the nation, maybe save up and get a rail pass or a bus pass. Grab a friend or family member and have fun. Get a feel for the country, or a section of the nation, and realize it's not that overwhelming.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:20 AM on April 24

I moved halfway across the country to attend college at 18. I dropped out, but stayed in the place I moved to. Coming here was the best decision I ever made. I'd never been down here, didn't know anyone. It was kind of exhilarating to me not knowing what would happen next or how I would survive. since then, a lot has happened, but I have also learned a lot about myself.
If you WANT to change something big, then just do it. Maybe not go abroad, just travel to another big US city. When you get there, stay in a hotel till you can find a month to month lease. Get a job. Find a place to volunteer. Make a friend. Do things outside your comfort zone. Maybe applying for a master's program or some other studies (either abroad or in a city more than a day's car travel from your hometown) will provide you the structure you need to put yourself out there, as well as being a boost for your resume.
If you DON'T WANT to change anything big, what are you worried about? You can have a worthwhile life without having traveled abroad for a year to read to dying blind children who only speak Mandarin, or whatever.
posted by Night_owl at 10:23 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Just because your friends are having fun doing 'x' does not mean you will have fun doing it. Neither one of you is right or wrong, per se, this is about preference.

I also spend about fifteen hours a week volunteering with Bhutanese refugee families in my city

If your interest is in doing something "good" or "meaningful", you seem to have an important part of that here. If its something you enjoy doing, then apply there and let them pay you to do it. If it's something you don't want to spend every day doing it, than continue doing it and something else, or change it up with another volunteer activity.

Gandhi and King both consciously knew that the problems in their country, those they were closest to, were what they had to solve first. It's part loyalty to your community, and part recognition of your own limitations.

That being said, I've felt the way you feel. MeMail me if you want to talk more concretely about strategies.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 10:31 AM on April 24

I agree with what everyone is saying about how going abroad won't fill the void in your soul.

BUT, if you want to do it, one option is to go through this program. Basically, you teach English in France. They don't care if you don't know any French or don't have any teaching experience. You get a stipend for working 12 hours every week. The stipend isn't much, but it's enough to get you by and allow you to travel around Europe during the two week vacations the French take every other month.

I did this program after graduating from college, and a lot of my friends did it too. Pretty much everyone agrees that the teaching part is a drag, but it's an easy way to live in a foreign country for a while without being there illegally and without having to save up thousands of dollars for a two-month tour.

I also know there are similar programs in China, Korea, Japan, etc. From what I've heard, those programs pay you a lot more, but also expect more out of you.

Think about it!
posted by ekroh at 10:32 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

ekroh, that looks great but that link says you need to be proficient in french.
posted by saul wright at 10:44 AM on April 24

ekroh, that looks great but that link says you need to be proficient in french.

They may say that, but if that is the case they have very lax standards as far as proficiency goes. I mean, of course it would be helpful to know some French, and if you're going to be spending a lot of time in a foreign country, you should probably study the language a little before you go. But I have never known anyone to not be accepted to the program because of a lack of French proficiency.

Also, when I was there, they thought it would be more beneficial for the students if we didn't use any French at all, and instructed us not to speak it in the classroom, which I did for maybe a couple of days but it was too hard to keep up.
posted by ekroh at 11:06 AM on April 24

I feel like a lot of your anxiety is due to feelings that you are wasting your time, not making the most of your life, etc. I know how you feel: I'm 24, and get this kind of restlessness all the time too (like literally every other day).

What helps me deal with this is writing out all the goals and achievements which I think, for some magical reason, would help me feel better about my life. Change to a more satisfying job, travel somewhere new, do something uncharacteristically physical, etc. And then I'd start writing down what it would take to do each of these things, and a timeline of baby steps. I could start talking to people in different career fields, for example, or figure out where the nearest skydiving center is. It sounds cheesy, but pledging goals and inscribing them, pen to paper, keeps you focused on becoming a more fulfilled individual.

Good luck! MefiMail is you want to talk about it more.
posted by gushn at 11:13 AM on April 24 [3 favorites]

Jeez, I can't imagine all these answers that are suggesting this program and that program abroad are helping. I'm sure you have all kinds of ideas for programs that would be fantastic for you if you had the motivation...

Look, if you aren't really invested in the idea of going, you shouldn't go. Your one and only chance to drop everything and run isn't up if you haven't done it by age 23, or whatever. (Goodness knows, my parents have transcontinentally relocated -- oh, three times each. Which, arguably, has made me and my brother a bit dysfunctional, and made me prone to exactly the same dilemma as you, but at least we have interesting stories to tell.)

It's okay to be nervous about the idea of committing yourself to a strange place and culture for a year, but going to it with as much ambivalence as you're expressing would only end in misery. There's nothing wrong with being a homebody - it's not like you're limiting your worldview, as your volunteer work shows. Just make sure your attachment is to the place and not exclusively the people, because they will start spreading around.

(I am wondering, though, is it possible for you to find a program in Bhutan? I realize it's very tough to get in there, but it could be a goal to work towards, and maybe by the time you achieve that goal, you'll feel more ready to leave home.)
posted by bettafish at 11:30 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

What about just going on smaller trips? I often say "Whoa, go me! I'm awesome! Look at all that stuff I did!" just looking back on simple one-week trips overseas.

Can you save up some cash and try traveling a bit to see if you enjoy it before committing to any long-term programs?

I travel by myself a lot and I have a blast. You can MeMail me if you want to chat about reducing the scariness of travel.
posted by cadge at 12:07 PM on April 24

You could read a lot of amazing books in a year while waiting for your traveling adventures to begin.

And yes, you really should travel. It's the best use of time possible, and you have more time at 22 than you will ever have later.
posted by rokusan at 12:34 PM on April 24

I like Cadge's advice too. Sign up for some of those super-saver airline deals and next week, take a four day trip to "whatever is on sale for $199."
posted by rokusan at 12:34 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Yes, I've thought about taking an Americorps job at the Refugee office. I think I would enjoy the work and learn a lot. However, the thought of settling down for another year in my city is kind of depressing.

A year goes by a lot faster than you think it will, especially if you're doing something that interests you.
posted by hermitosis at 12:43 PM on April 24

I pretty much asked this EXACT question almost three years ago. I took up volunteering (and drugs!), crashed and burned, sold all my stuff to move in with a girl I barely knew, got married (Happily!), got accepted to the Peace Corps, got abruptly rejected from the Peace Corps, got a "real" job, lived in New York, found Jesus, and am now prepping for a possible move to Korea, to, yes, teach English.

Point being: You just have to DO something. If you REALLY hate China, it's only a year. And then you got to go to China- What else are you going to do? You don't sound happy where you are, so it can be any worse can it?
posted by GilloD at 12:52 PM on April 24 [2 favorites]

Save some money where you're working now. Pack a backpack. South East Asia. Two months. It will change your life. You will meet more people, see more new things, experience things you didn't even know existed, and it's the perfect place for one who feels like they don't have a lot of motivation.

I can't think clearly about my life until I'm outside of it. Every time I have packed my bag and hopped on a plane (be in a week or several months) I figure it out. You're 22. This is what this time in your life is for! Seriously, the whole "travel thing" really is that good.
posted by meerkatty at 1:01 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Most people grow when they travel. They grow for at least two reasons:

1) They're cut off from their parents/family/friends and so must fend for themselves.
2) They see a totally different way of life, which allows them to see their life way from a new perspective.

But though you may well grow via traveling, there's no "should" about it. In general, unless you're talking about a matter of health, it's silly to do things because you "should" or because everyone else in your social group is doing them. Do stuff because you WANT to. If you don't know whether or not you want to, you don't want to. You'll know when you want to.

People claim all the time that they look back and regret they didn't do this or that. I don't buy it. They regret that they're not doing this or that NOW. I'm 43, and sometimes I find myself wishing that I'd done more traveling when I was younger, but then I realize that's not what I REALLY wish. What I REALLY wish is that I had some more interesting stories to tell people NOW; or I wish I could afford to travel NOW; or I wish people perceived me as a more well-rounded person NOW. Or I wish I was more independent NOW, and I sort of think I would be if I had traveled more when I was younger.

Then I realize that how silly it is to wish I'd done stuff in the past. If I HAD spent my youth traveling, I'd now wish I'd stayed at home more and gotten to know my family better -- or whatever. So I don't dwell on the past or blame my past for my present troubles. If I want to be more well-traveled, I should start traveling NOW. The world is still around. It will still be around when I'm 50. It will be there for you, too, WHEN you feel like exploring it.

Having said all that, it's useful to push yourself a little out of your comfort zone. Look, I've never eaten poo. I'm pretty sure I won't like it, so I'm not going to try it. On the other hand, I've also never tasted venison. I may or may not like it, but I'll try a bite if given the chance. The worst that can happen is that I won't like it.

I've never gotten divorced before, but I'm not going to try that just to stretch myself. It's too big of a risk. My point is that you're thinking in an awfully extreme way. If traveling to Timbuktu for a year is scary for you, why not start by going to another city in your own country. If it's a total failure, you won't be stranded halfway around the world. You COULD get in a car, drive home, and see your family -- it would just take a while to get there. If you survive the "foreign" city, you can THEN try Timbuktu.
posted by grumblebee at 1:40 PM on April 24 [21 favorites]

Grumblebee, that was some of the smartest writing I've seen on MeFi in a long-ass time. Thanks.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:17 PM on April 24

One person who I am close with who did the whole "Im living overseas" thing and doesnt regret it per se, but often complains about how her friends are more advanced professionally and how she had to hunt for low paying jobs at 28 or 29 years old, while they were buying houses and starting families.

To each his own, but all these things come with real opportunity costs. Overseas living is often romanticized in media, but its not for everyone. That doesnt mean your question has a yes or no answer, but perhaps you'd be better off with short trips instead of making a big drama queen moment and telling everyone you're off to teach at a Mongolian Montessori school for the next ten years.
posted by damn dirty ape at 4:48 PM on April 24

I've been there.

Right now you're doing food service in your home town and you know this is a dead end, but you don't know what to do next, or how to get there. So you look around at your friends and at the things they are doing and you wonder why you aren't able to pull this together.

Well, first, don't worry so much about what other people are doing. You need to figure out what would be a good move for you.

What things do you enjoy doing? What gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride? It's interesting to me that you make time to work with refugees. Maybe that's the direction you should go in. Instead of looking into one of these overseas programs (if you really wanted to do that you would have filled out the paperwork) maybe first you should try something closer to home. Are there jobs nearby that involve working with refugees? Can you find people you can ask about this?

Go read What Color is Your Parachute. Read the parts about informational interviewing and then go do it. It's awkward, but remember, you're going to be talking to people who are interested in the same things you are. This is a small step out of your comfort zone, but you can do it. After the first couple of times it gets easier. After you've talked to a few people who share your interests you'll have a better idea of job or programs that might be a good fit for you.

Here's more good advice.
posted by FoHockney at 5:11 PM on April 24

Gotta love peer pressure. Jeez. I read your question as "I don't actually want to travel anywhere, living here is fine and I just don't like my job, but everyone I know who's my age is going to all these crazy places and it makes me feel like a loser that I'm not also going to those places, and it makes me feel like a freak that I don't even WANT to really."

You don't have to want the same thing everyone else wants, and you don't have to do the same thing everyone else does. Most humans manage to mature into perfectly reasonable adults regardless of whether they spent two months backpacking in southeast Asia, and if you don't want to do it, lucky you - you don't have to raise the money to buy a plane ticket.

I think what you really need is a job that challenges you and makes you feel proud of the work you've done.
posted by crinklebat at 6:52 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

I'm not a big fan of travelling,
so I would suggest you keep doing what
you're currently doing if you're
comfortable with that.

But there will come a point where
you might feel that you were meant
for better things. And then you'll
have to do those things.
You'll have to complete those applications.
Send them off. Apply for the job
you suspect could make you really happy.
Move.

But until you absolutely must change
or risk going insane, keep doing what
you're doing.
posted by Sully at 10:58 AM on April 25