More than just attracted to difference?

April 21, 2009 8:54 AM

Seeking advice and shared experiences from other people who are not attracted to people from their same racial/ethnic/national identity.

I'm mixed. My parents, immigrants to the US, originally hailed from opposite ends of this earth. I (female) have never been attracted to men who are from either side of my parents ethnic/national identity. Never, ever.

I feel bad, like I'm not giving certain demographics a fair chance. Recently, a male friends of mine from x background shared that he is attracted to me. There's nothing really wrong with him, but it's as if I have some inability to feel sexual and/or romantic chemistry with men from either "side."

I've generally been attracted to a wide variety of backgrounds. Though, I am very frequently attracted to men who are mixed - perhaps its a shared experience of always straddling the in-betweens, and a feeling of sameness (of experience) through differences. I am, occasionally, attracted to men who share 1/2 of their background with my own - but it's because I see them foremost as mixed, rather than from a shared ethnic/racial/national identity.

But those that have "whole" backgrounds shared with one of my parents, I have never felt chemistry. No attraction. At all. Ever.

Does anyone have any reasons for why this is? I've occasionally heard of people experiencing similar - not being attracted to people of a same background - why is this? It is not as if I've had some terribly awful experience with people from either side; even from childhood, I had crushes on people from a variety of racial/ethnic/national backgrounds - just not on those where my parents were from.

How can I communicate to people that my lack of attraction to either "side" is not indicative of being a sell-out, racist, or evident of some kind of self-hatred?

I am not looking to change this, just merely ways of addressing this with other people ask, or kind ways of telling someone from either background that I am just not interested in them, and it is sincerely not personal or about them.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

How can I communicate to people that my lack of attraction to either "side" is not indicative of being a sell-out, racist, or evident of some kind of self-hatred?

As one half of an inter-racial marriage who has gotten tagged with all of the above, my attitude these days is that it's their problem not mine. I no longer have the time or desire to convince people I'm ok or happy or whatever, got other stuff to do.

But those that have "whole" backgrounds shared with one of my parents, I have never felt chemistry. No attraction. At all. Ever.

You view them as boring 'cause they're just one thing, they're just X, but you find a combination of X and Y, or X and B much more interesting.

I (female) have never been attracted to men who are from either side of my parents ethnic/national identity. Never, ever.

Never say never. Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:04 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

You are not required to follow up a "not interested" with specific reasons. If you are not interested you are not interested.

You are not supposed to overthink this. As long as you are attracted to most people you should have no qualms about politely turning down the ones you are not attracted to.
posted by uandt at 9:10 AM on April 21

Perhaps its the case that being mixed race and having parents of 2 very distinct races youve always been more aware of race than the average person, and that secondly you have very strongly associated peoples of either your mother or father's race as 'parental', i.e. not on the sexually attractive radar. What I mean to say is that anyone who looks like either of your parents you have subconsciously written off as romantic potential.. For example mummy is white, therefore all whites are like mummy and Im not attracted to my mother, daddy is asian and I sure as hell dont fancy my father...Which leaves mixed and/or other races fair game.. Just a theory.
posted by stumpyolegmcnoleg at 9:10 AM on April 21

I feel bad, like I'm not giving certain demographics a fair chance.

There are all kinds of people in this world--race, size, personality, etc. You presumably aren't going to be dating all of them, so I don't think it is an issue of fairness. Go for what you are attracted to and stop feeling guilty about it or you are going to end up with someone you don't like, and that is very unfair to that person,.
posted by eye of newt at 9:12 AM on April 21

Nobody would fault you for liking tall ones, or blonde ones. What attracts us is coming from deep in the lizard brain, and I don't know that justifying or explaining it gets you anywhere useful.

Thoise people who say you are racist because you won't fall in love with them? You needn't get into a debate with someone who you have decided doesn't turn you on and you aren't interested in dating. Just as you would not be obliged to explain to me how you don't like fat white 40-something men after turning me down, you also needn't explain to Abdullah why you don't dig Arabic guys.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:15 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

You like what you like. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're being respectful.
posted by agentwills at 9:18 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

It may help to consider the distinction between a lack of attraction, on the one hand, and repulsion, hatred, or contempt on the other. Racism is rooted in the latter three emotional states. Also, it is not uncommon for substantially racist people to find that they are attracted to members of the groups against which they discriminate in other ways (just as misogyny is not exclusive of heterosexuality in males). So there's no reason to draw direct link between your sexual or romantic preferences and your attitudes to other races, cultures, etc.

In any event, we are not required to be attracted to anyone in particular or any group in general, irrespective of our own group membership of identification. The only requirement is to treat everyone with respect and to evaluate and interact with them as individuals.
posted by onshi at 9:34 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

Explaining to someone why you aren't attracted to them personally never works. Never. All you can say is that the heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

Okay, now for the "Why don't you date Ruritanian guys?!? Ruritanian guys are hot! You're buying into the cultural emasculation of Ruritanian guys, aren't you?" people--

A) They are assholes.
B) It's none of their business.
C) But if you would like to be polite, you might think about "I love my dad so much that I think my incest taboo extended to all Ruritanian guys." (If it's your mom who's Ruritanian, then substitute your maternal grandpa.)
D) Or, if you would like to be rude, you might say, "Why don't I date Ruritanian guys? Because Ruritanian guys are entitled, boorish assholes who think it's appropriate to lecture people about their dating style."
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:38 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

You don't need to tell people why you're not attracted to them, and you certainly don't need to tell them it's because they're x race. Of course they'd think you're racist if you said that. Anyway, it's almost never a good idea to tell someone exactly why you're not attracted to them even when race isn't a factor, given the turbulent emotions in play - if someone presses you, just say you're not attracted to them. It's the truth, right?
posted by bettafish at 9:39 AM on April 21

"No thanks, I'm not interested" is a lot better than "No thanks, I'm just not attracted to Asian guys," even if it seems to you that "I'm not interested in you" hurts more than "I'm not attracted to people of your race--it's not just you." For one thing, as disappointing as it is to be turned down, it's even more frustrating to be turned down and told specifically that it's because of a quality or trait you can't control. For another thing, if you give that explanation, you're practically inviting someone you aren't attracted to to keep trying to persuade you ("Wait, wait--ok, you don't like most Asian guys, but I'm different...").

Also, I think that adding the explanation could come across as racist even though your attraction or lack thereof is not, in itself, racist. It's nothing to feel bad about--just an awkward territory to get into when you're talking to someone who wants to date you. You think "I'm not attracted to people of this race," but the person asking you out hears "I refuse to date people of your race." Keeping things specific to the one person rather than their whole race seems like the safest route.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:43 AM on April 21 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm half-white and half-Mexican, and I always feel like the most coconutty pocha on earth because my boyfriends are uniformly white.

For me, feeling OK with it was a matter of realizing that it's not that I'm not attracted to Latino men (sigh), it's that I grew up firmly entrenched in American culture and I am attracted to people who I have shit in common with. I'm sure somewhere out there there's a super nerdy Mexican fella who watched Star Wars incessantly as a kid and likes obscure electronica, but he's harder to find than the white ones, and I certainly ain't going to stress myself out trying to get racial points when really I'm just trying to find someone I really like, whatever color they are.

That's me. We're a bit different. But anyway, I don't feel like a racist, and I don't think you should either.
posted by Juliet Banana at 9:44 AM on April 21 [8 favorites has favorites]

Another thing is that people who are biracial/bicultural or multiracial/multicultural often prefer partners who share that experience, rather than partners with a monoracial or monocultural background. A couple of my friends have said about this that they feel that there are "caught between two cultures" experiences that they really value having a partner who shares.

But, yeah, I hope you're not saying "Joe, you're a wonderful man, but Ruritanian guys just don't do it for me" because that really is uncool. My guess, though, is that it's more likely that some passive-aggressive Ruritanian guys feel like it's perfectly fine to lecture you on how you're a traitor to the Ruritanian race by not dating them Ruritanian guys. This is a very classic "NiceGuyTM" move.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:52 AM on April 21

I think what you are experiencing is a pretty straightforward example of the human anti-incest program in operation.

Both of your parents are immigrants; growing up, each parent may well have been the only person of that racial particular racial background you had much to do with.

Hence, for you, a person of that racial background could equal 'member of my immediate family', and being attracted to a such a person would amount to incestuous desire, and such desires seem to be blocked in most people by a combination of cultural and intrinsic forces.
posted by jamjam at 9:53 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

You don't owe it to anyone to be attracted to a particular hue of skin or particular types of facial features any more than you owe it to anyone to prefer one set of genitalia or another.

(The latter was explained to me by a very, very patient lesbian that I crushed on extra-hard during my freshman year of college.)
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:33 AM on April 21 [2 favorites has favorites]

How can I communicate to people that my lack of attraction to either "side" is not indicative of being a sell-out, racist, or evident of some kind of self-hatred?

You know what? Fuck them. Are they calling your parents racist sell-outs? Because, you know what else, by their accusations, I guess you're the product or racist self-hating sellouts. And that's fucked up.

You are mixed. But you aren't. You are a new breed, baby. Let's populate this earth with tons of beautiful mixed race babies. We are slowly moving into a post-race society now.

People around you need to deal with it. You aren't even close to selling out, self-hating or racist until you find yourself confronted with a shit-ton of guys that have the exact same racial make-up as you, and you find them all completely unattractive.

You don't have to pick one or the other. Conversely, you get to pick and choose whichever you like, whenever you like. Enjoy your freedom.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:37 AM on April 21

Well, I'm not you, but as a fellow mixed-race-person-who's-less-attracted-to-people-of-my-races, I personally find it totally implausible that it has anything to with an overactive incest taboo. I mean, come on. I think I know the difference between my father and every other black man in the world.

I agree with Brandon Blatcher's suggestion that it has something to do with finding 100%-parent's-race people a little boring. It never occurred to me before, and it certainly strikes me as very wrong to decide what people are like on the basis of their racial heritage, but I think it describes the way I feel, at least.

I also think I'm a little racist, and that there's a possibility that you might be, too - sorry. It could also be that you just Are the way you Are. But IMO, we shouldn't all be so quick to dismiss the possibility that romantic and sexual preferences can be influenced by racism. I mean, I certainly understand why people would want to: Nobody wants to be a racist, and we all have a strong sense that our preferences are neither something we chose nor something we can change. But we're influenced by a lot of things as we develop. People we meet have racist attitudes. Advertising and the media in general have been, and continue to be, reluctant to present attractive and desirable images of people in certain groups. Internalised racism is also a huge problem in a lot of communities. Why wouldn't all this have an effect?

That doesn't mean it's 'wrong' to feel the way you (and I) do. We don't really have a choice, and of course, nobody is required to be attracted to anybody or entitled to have other people be attracted to them. I just think it's not helpful to act like people's attitudes are or can be untouched by the experience of living in the world.

Finally, I would advise you to try not to get into these discussions/arguments about race in the first place. Just don't do it. Don't let anybody bait you. Don't feel like you have to defend your preferences. There's nothing to communicate, there's nothing to address. Your feelings on the issue aren't up for discussion.* The other side of that is, don't be the one to bring it up unless you want to talk about it, because racial discrimination (or 'racial discrimination' depending on how you feel) is a very sensitive topic for a lot of people for very good reasons. Certainly don't go telling people you're not interested in them because they are X race. Nobody wants to hear that.
posted by two or three cars parked under the stars at 11:25 AM on April 21 [3 favorites has favorites]

Agree with all above - attraction is not something you control. Yes, you can foster an attachment, but that initial attraction is not made at a logical, process-oriented level. My wife has told me that I'm not what she'd consider "her type," but she fell for me regardless of what she thought she liked. I didn't push an awkward relationship into something more, we just fell for each-other, and it went from there.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:29 AM on April 21

Found in the Metafilter archives: The Bill of Rights for People of Mixed Heritage (pdf)

"I have the right to freely choose whom I befriend and love."
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:33 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would stop framing it in terms of whether you're attracted to guys of X race for yourself as well as for the guys. Just go for who you're into, and turn down who you're not into, but don't typecast the ones you like or don't like. Who knows who you'll meet next or what will happen in the future. If someone asks why you never seem to date guys of X race, just shrug and say you haven't been attracted to anyone who happens to be X. PLenty of people haven't dated "someone from X race", given how many different backgrounds there are out there, and how many of us tend to date people from similar cultures, so it's hardly racist.

But being certain now that you'll never meet someone from X race, or telling people from that race that you don't date people from their race, well, that does sort of feel like it verges into racist-ish territory, just because you're making judgments based on the larger category rather than the individual. That doesn't mean you will ever date anyone from that race - just that you don't know that now. You judge each case according to your personal response and attraction, not the category they belong to...

I know that people define themselves according to which gender they're attracted to, and that doesn't make them sexist, but people tend to believe race is a much less distinct category, that lots of self identified "black" or "asian" people are really "mixed" at some level, that the variety of countries one can be from and still fall under the larger heading "black" or "asian" is enormous, and even that race itself is entirely a social construct. Maybe it's the shared experience or cultural connection that you're attracted to, more than genetic prototypes.
posted by mdn at 11:40 AM on April 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am not looking to change this, just merely ways of addressing this with other people ask, or kind ways of telling someone from either background that I am just not interested in them, and it is sincerely not personal or about them.

You don't owe other people an explanation about the men you are or are not attracted to. If you want to give an explanation, just say the chemistry wasn't there.

With that being said, I always advocate thinking of people as individuals and not merely as stand-ins for an entire race. You might be surprised to find that once you get to know someone, you become more attracted to them as you discover their good qualities, and/or areas in which you you click. For what it's worth, I don't understand people who only want to date blondes or whatever. Yeah, there are things you are initially attracted to, but those often have little to do with the person inside. Just sayin', you might be missing out on some great guys if you don't take the time to get to know them before deciding if you like them.
posted by JenMarie at 11:53 AM on April 21 [2 favorites has favorites]

Does anyone have any reasons for why this is? I've occasionally heard of people experiencing similar - not being attracted to people of a same background - why is this?

Well, there is a scientific theory out there, based on not-entirely unconvincing evidence, that attempts to explain the attraction between dissimilar individuals (and, by extension, the non-attraction of similar individuals). Basically has to do with pheromones and major histocompatibility complex differences*. An article here if you're interested.

*I've commented on this in the blue briefly before

So I guess you can tell people not to take it personally, it's just physiology.
posted by kisch mokusch at 3:49 PM on April 21

You should never communicate this. Really.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 7:15 PM on April 21

I'm sure somewhere out there there's a super nerdy Mexican fella who watched Star Wars incessantly as a kid and likes obscure electronica,

Well, there's enough Latino nerds out there to keep NaCo's Estar Guars t-shirt in production for years now, and to anchor Junot Diaz's prize-winning book so you may have more options than you think.

My take on this is that it's ok to have irrational, even over the top limiting, preferences about your dating life, as long as you are willing to live with the consequences. There's a risk that by refusing to date someone who is (tall/short/black/white/mixed/fat/skinny/bald/whatever), you will preemptively reject someone (or many someones) who might have made you really happy.

It's also important to remember that the same person who is all in your face and is calling you a racist because you prefer X over Y almost certainly filters their dates through all kinds of preferences. Maybe they won't date Republicans, or redheads make them sweaty, or they want a big Catholic wedding. The point being, somehow your preferences are becoming a matter of public debate (and why? are you telling everyone about this, instead of just showing up with your latest piece of arm-candy?), while theirs are being allowed to remain implicit and unscrutinized.

As long as your reasons aren't outrageously nasty and prejudiced, and aren't spilling over into other parts of your life, who cares? If you are enjoying it, and you are able to find people you want to date, and who want to date you, it's no one else's business at all.
posted by Forktine at 8:05 PM on April 21