Jack of all friends yet master of none?
April 3, 2009 6:31 PM Subscribe
How to I get better at connecting with people on an emotional level? I have lots of friends - but on a superficial level. How do break through?
ah. So here goes. I'm in my early 30s. Female. I am generally outgoing and from what I can tell, happy. However, I have a terrible time making close connections with people. I have only had one serious relationship and that was 10 years ago. It was relatively unremarkable.
I can count the number of actual dates I've been on on my hands. Yet, I'm active, I volunteer, I've been on online dating sites but I can't seem to get people to be interested in me as a person. I seem to lack something or know how to connect with people emotionally. Physically I get attention, but can't seem to crack through beyond that.
I tend to float between groups of friends; a casual 'guest-appearance' if you will. I don't have a regular group of friends that I can go to or trust. I actually just had a birthday and no one really noticed. Lots of Facebook posts but no one say 'hey let's go out and celebrate you!' which really hurt. I ate dinner alone.
I've tried calling people up - and they are responsive usually when I ask. I seem to always have plans for drinks with someone or go to some event or party. But I don't know how to take it to the next level of closeness. I want to be the one that gets invited to the wedding or is included in the weekend plans deliberately, and not as an afterthought.
My parents were not emotional people and my family in general is not affectionate. There has been family drama (narcissistic mother whom I was never close to) and I suspect I may be too guarded as a result.
I am confused. People seem to enjoy my company, I just don't know how to breakthrough. What really tipped this off is when I went to a going away party for a former classmate - the way people spoke about her made me so sad. Because I realized that I don't know if have friends who would be able to get up and say things about me since I may not have let them get to know me.
I've been to therapy. At college I did CBT which I enjoyed. It was all about me worrying too much about what other people thought of me. I did it again last year, but didn't find it as successful. It was Jungian and the therapist would just stare at me and I would feel uncomfortable and the therapist would say things like 'only you can come up with the answer' which drove me crazy since I can't really figure out what's wrong.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not starting a pity-party. I just understand that close relationships are a big part of life and I feel a bit like an alien since I don't really know how to make them happen. I'm lucky otherwise, good job, healthy etc. It would just be nice to connect sometimes.
I know you are not my therapist MeFi, but can you at least help me start to see what my issue is? I'm getting tired of feeling so alone in the world! Thank you.
ah. So here goes. I'm in my early 30s. Female. I am generally outgoing and from what I can tell, happy. However, I have a terrible time making close connections with people. I have only had one serious relationship and that was 10 years ago. It was relatively unremarkable.
I can count the number of actual dates I've been on on my hands. Yet, I'm active, I volunteer, I've been on online dating sites but I can't seem to get people to be interested in me as a person. I seem to lack something or know how to connect with people emotionally. Physically I get attention, but can't seem to crack through beyond that.
I tend to float between groups of friends; a casual 'guest-appearance' if you will. I don't have a regular group of friends that I can go to or trust. I actually just had a birthday and no one really noticed. Lots of Facebook posts but no one say 'hey let's go out and celebrate you!' which really hurt. I ate dinner alone.
I've tried calling people up - and they are responsive usually when I ask. I seem to always have plans for drinks with someone or go to some event or party. But I don't know how to take it to the next level of closeness. I want to be the one that gets invited to the wedding or is included in the weekend plans deliberately, and not as an afterthought.
My parents were not emotional people and my family in general is not affectionate. There has been family drama (narcissistic mother whom I was never close to) and I suspect I may be too guarded as a result.
I am confused. People seem to enjoy my company, I just don't know how to breakthrough. What really tipped this off is when I went to a going away party for a former classmate - the way people spoke about her made me so sad. Because I realized that I don't know if have friends who would be able to get up and say things about me since I may not have let them get to know me.
I've been to therapy. At college I did CBT which I enjoyed. It was all about me worrying too much about what other people thought of me. I did it again last year, but didn't find it as successful. It was Jungian and the therapist would just stare at me and I would feel uncomfortable and the therapist would say things like 'only you can come up with the answer' which drove me crazy since I can't really figure out what's wrong.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not starting a pity-party. I just understand that close relationships are a big part of life and I feel a bit like an alien since I don't really know how to make them happen. I'm lucky otherwise, good job, healthy etc. It would just be nice to connect sometimes.
I know you are not my therapist MeFi, but can you at least help me start to see what my issue is? I'm getting tired of feeling so alone in the world! Thank you.
I've felt like this before. I recommend that if there is someone you enjoy talking to and see regularly (possibly a work colleague?) then you just persistently suggest going for a coffee at a mutually convenient time. Try and make it semi-regular. Time is often enough to make friendships develop.
My problem came mostly from how I lived apart from the people I most commonly interacted with so social opportunities were few and far between, eventually I realised that I just needed to make more of an effort. Bug people enough initially and eventually you slip into that "should be invited" section rather than the "nice they came" section.
I've been a bit lazy about developing new friendships in my current situation and as a result my active friend circle has shrunk drastically. I'd be welcomed at parties with my acquaintance/friends but it's unlikely I'd be actively invited as I don't make any effort to be part of that 'group'.
posted by knapah at 7:15 PM on April 3, 2009
My problem came mostly from how I lived apart from the people I most commonly interacted with so social opportunities were few and far between, eventually I realised that I just needed to make more of an effort. Bug people enough initially and eventually you slip into that "should be invited" section rather than the "nice they came" section.
I've been a bit lazy about developing new friendships in my current situation and as a result my active friend circle has shrunk drastically. I'd be welcomed at parties with my acquaintance/friends but it's unlikely I'd be actively invited as I don't make any effort to be part of that 'group'.
posted by knapah at 7:15 PM on April 3, 2009
I am not sure I follow the whole Jungian thing, but didn't you provide your own answer?
My parents were not emotional people and my family in general is not affectionate. There has been family drama (narcissistic mother whom I was never close to) and I suspect I may be too guarded as a result.
The question is how to learn what your family didn't teach you, which probably what is missing in your life now. I think that therapy would help, but you have to find someone who is right for you. It is hard work, good luck.
posted by procrastination at 7:22 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
My parents were not emotional people and my family in general is not affectionate. There has been family drama (narcissistic mother whom I was never close to) and I suspect I may be too guarded as a result.
The question is how to learn what your family didn't teach you, which probably what is missing in your life now. I think that therapy would help, but you have to find someone who is right for you. It is hard work, good luck.
posted by procrastination at 7:22 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
What procrastination said. I struggle with this too. As I've gotten older I've realized that a lot of people were interested in being closer friends earlier, but thought I wasn't interested because I was 'reserved,' 'standoffish,' or 'private.' It has been a matter of learning to let down my guard with people, be more open and comfortable, and stop feeling ashamed about not 'getting it' like everyone else seemed to. Therapy did help me. And if you're like me, it turns out that most of these issues are in your head, not in other people or in your flawed personality or anything like that. People are reacting to impressions you project, and you can learn to change the impression you make.
posted by Miko at 7:31 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by Miko at 7:31 PM on April 3, 2009
Best answer: urbanette, I feel for you. My first thought and sense is that you need to find a good therapist who isn't about CBT but about helping you get in touch with your own emotions, to help you develop comfort with having and sharing feelings. You can't really be open and emotionally accessible to others until you become emotionally intimate with yourself. And until you have a healthy connection to your own heart and expression, no one is going to feel close to you. Walls are felt, consciously or unconsciously, and result in surface relationships. You need a good therapist who can help you get in touch and learn to express yourself. Your mom was a narcissist. You need to get in touch with what it felt like to have a mother far more concerned about her feelings than your own, and then get to know your own emotional journey. BTW, my childhood paradigm was different than yours, but, without going into it--there were some similar effects in certain circumstances--several months of work with an excellent therapist has already made all the difference in my self-awareness of the importance of emotional intimacy in intimate relationships. (Lack of close friends wasn't a problem for me, but cluelessness about relationships was.)
My sense is that emotional intimacy will be in your reach when you get in touch with your lifetime of emotions, become aware of the ways you have learned to protect yourself which are no longer helpful or needed in most circumstances, and learned that your feelings are important, precious, and worthy of respect. Your growing openness will make you more comfortable with others, and others more comfortable with you. Deeper friendships and relationships can grow where feelings are shared and respected.
I wish you all the best, urbanette.
~BTW, I've seen a number of queries for recommendations of therapists here in MeFi...you might throw it out to the hive...a less-than-really-good therapist can be a waste of time. If you find yourself getting in touch with feelings, if the therapist is good at noticing your changing feelings and asking questions that help you gain self-awareness, you feel respected by the therapist, and you look forward to your appointments, though tears are shed...you probably have found a good one. That's my take on it anyway...
posted by sparrowdance at 7:35 PM on April 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
My sense is that emotional intimacy will be in your reach when you get in touch with your lifetime of emotions, become aware of the ways you have learned to protect yourself which are no longer helpful or needed in most circumstances, and learned that your feelings are important, precious, and worthy of respect. Your growing openness will make you more comfortable with others, and others more comfortable with you. Deeper friendships and relationships can grow where feelings are shared and respected.
I wish you all the best, urbanette.
~BTW, I've seen a number of queries for recommendations of therapists here in MeFi...you might throw it out to the hive...a less-than-really-good therapist can be a waste of time. If you find yourself getting in touch with feelings, if the therapist is good at noticing your changing feelings and asking questions that help you gain self-awareness, you feel respected by the therapist, and you look forward to your appointments, though tears are shed...you probably have found a good one. That's my take on it anyway...
posted by sparrowdance at 7:35 PM on April 3, 2009 [3 favorites]
I have noticed that getting shit-faced drunk with a friend is often a turning point to increased closeness. Seriously -- getting drunk together seems to "consummate" a friendship.
posted by jayder at 7:41 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by jayder at 7:41 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In my personal experience, the number one way to get closer to others is to make yourself more vulnerable to them -- to open up to them and show your true self to them. You don't have to do it all at once, you can do it in stages, but ultimately the reason that people feel close to another person is because they had a chance to glimpse beyond the surface. And the thing is, as you open yourself up, they too will open themselves up. And that's how you become close, when their more inner selves connect.
Of course, you can't just throw yourself and your innermost self at people and expect results. Some of how you're writing suggests you're approaching this from a very intellectual point of view. This may or may not work well. I find when I try to use my head to make friendships I fail. You might try interacting from an emotional rather than intellectual level. For example, let's say there's someone you'd like to become friends with. If you did something exciting last weekend and they seem interested, tell them about it but make sure to enrich it with descriptions of the emotions you felt. If the other person is more of a "feeler" than a thinker, what might happen is they start to connect with those emotions too. They might then want to share a time when they had a similar emotional experience. This is a great opportunity. Listen carefully to their story. Ask questions that focus on their state of mind/feelings/context. If something they say triggers recognition in yourself ("I've had the same thoughts/feelings/dream/etc") but don't distract from their story too much.
I should note that I still have problems making many friends quickly, and although I am fairly outgoing I am actually shy about becoming close friends with many people. However, all the people that I am very close with became my friends more or less through the process above -- opening myself up to them and sharing personal experiences on an emotional level, rather than having mostly intellectually geared conversations.
As far as getting in touch with your emotions: For the longest time I "decided" what I was feeling in my head, which can be kind of dumb. A key moment for me was when I was going through a period of time of stress and hurt but was largely in denial about it; I was sitting on a couch and feeling horrible. I told myself, "Why do I feel sad? I'm happy." It didn't take long for me to figure out there was something wrong with that statement.
I personally feel my emotions. Which is to say, when I am angry I can feel it in my back, sadness is all up and down the front of my throat and chest, fear is in my stomach, and other emotions are all over the place and have their unique sense. I find that I cannot use my mind to understand my emotions. However, if I pay attention to my body I can recognize the emotions that I am feeling. The downside, of course, is that everytime I get something stuck in my throat (particularly vitamins) I feel incredibly melancholy, regardless of my normal emotional state. But I would still recommend it. It really helped me become someone who could feel, and be aware of my feelings.
You might really benefit from being involved in a long term loving relationship with someone. In other words, start dating. 10 years is a pretty long time to not be in a relationship. Unless the thought of it really disturbs or upsets you, I'd encourage you to give it another go. Having a partner means that you have a sort of emotional anchor that can keep you feeling more steady. They're not there to make you feel better -- you take responsibility for your own happiness -- but having someone makes it a heck of a lot easier to feel confident and stable. I always recommend OkCupid for this. If you find someone who's at least 80% compatible at the very least you should have a great first date. My finacee was 83% compatible, so I thought I'd give it a shot. We ended up talking for hours and connected right away. I'd also add that being in a romantic relationship, where the stakes for opening yourself up emotionally are much higher, prepares you for doing a similar thing on a lesser scale in your friendships.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:51 PM on April 3, 2009 [7 favorites]
Of course, you can't just throw yourself and your innermost self at people and expect results. Some of how you're writing suggests you're approaching this from a very intellectual point of view. This may or may not work well. I find when I try to use my head to make friendships I fail. You might try interacting from an emotional rather than intellectual level. For example, let's say there's someone you'd like to become friends with. If you did something exciting last weekend and they seem interested, tell them about it but make sure to enrich it with descriptions of the emotions you felt. If the other person is more of a "feeler" than a thinker, what might happen is they start to connect with those emotions too. They might then want to share a time when they had a similar emotional experience. This is a great opportunity. Listen carefully to their story. Ask questions that focus on their state of mind/feelings/context. If something they say triggers recognition in yourself ("I've had the same thoughts/feelings/dream/etc") but don't distract from their story too much.
I should note that I still have problems making many friends quickly, and although I am fairly outgoing I am actually shy about becoming close friends with many people. However, all the people that I am very close with became my friends more or less through the process above -- opening myself up to them and sharing personal experiences on an emotional level, rather than having mostly intellectually geared conversations.
As far as getting in touch with your emotions: For the longest time I "decided" what I was feeling in my head, which can be kind of dumb. A key moment for me was when I was going through a period of time of stress and hurt but was largely in denial about it; I was sitting on a couch and feeling horrible. I told myself, "Why do I feel sad? I'm happy." It didn't take long for me to figure out there was something wrong with that statement.
I personally feel my emotions. Which is to say, when I am angry I can feel it in my back, sadness is all up and down the front of my throat and chest, fear is in my stomach, and other emotions are all over the place and have their unique sense. I find that I cannot use my mind to understand my emotions. However, if I pay attention to my body I can recognize the emotions that I am feeling. The downside, of course, is that everytime I get something stuck in my throat (particularly vitamins) I feel incredibly melancholy, regardless of my normal emotional state. But I would still recommend it. It really helped me become someone who could feel, and be aware of my feelings.
You might really benefit from being involved in a long term loving relationship with someone. In other words, start dating. 10 years is a pretty long time to not be in a relationship. Unless the thought of it really disturbs or upsets you, I'd encourage you to give it another go. Having a partner means that you have a sort of emotional anchor that can keep you feeling more steady. They're not there to make you feel better -- you take responsibility for your own happiness -- but having someone makes it a heck of a lot easier to feel confident and stable. I always recommend OkCupid for this. If you find someone who's at least 80% compatible at the very least you should have a great first date. My finacee was 83% compatible, so I thought I'd give it a shot. We ended up talking for hours and connected right away. I'd also add that being in a romantic relationship, where the stakes for opening yourself up emotionally are much higher, prepares you for doing a similar thing on a lesser scale in your friendships.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:51 PM on April 3, 2009 [7 favorites]
So I have a co-worker (now really close friend) who I learned a lot from. I started working at my job 3 years ago and was aquaintances with a lot of people, but never knew how to be come friends with them, we didn't talk about any real 'friends' topics. And then I watched the way she was with people - she just talked about her personal life, her feelings, her live-in boyfriend, wanting to be a photographer and everything with everyone! Not in an annoying won't-shut-up way, and only when appropriate, of course, but I saw that because she was so open, people came to her a lot just to talk. That's how I became close to her.
So I started doing the same thing - just talking about my life with people, and people started hanging around me more. You sound like you're a cool person, not annoying, like you would be a good judge of your character and know when you'd annoy someone and when you wouldn't - so don't be afraid to just open up to people and talk a little more about stuff you wouldn't normally talk to them about. Maybe that'd get people to feel closer to you and ask you about how X is going in your life, or how Y was last week, and before you know it people are sharing more and voila! friends!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:52 PM on April 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
So I started doing the same thing - just talking about my life with people, and people started hanging around me more. You sound like you're a cool person, not annoying, like you would be a good judge of your character and know when you'd annoy someone and when you wouldn't - so don't be afraid to just open up to people and talk a little more about stuff you wouldn't normally talk to them about. Maybe that'd get people to feel closer to you and ask you about how X is going in your life, or how Y was last week, and before you know it people are sharing more and voila! friends!
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:52 PM on April 3, 2009 [6 favorites]
A friends is a person with whom you spend sincere 1-on-1 time and who you'd make an effort to see alone. A person you like but meet only among the group is more a "social colleague". I'd say try having coffee with those people you like the most from your social groups.
You must also figure out if you view your friends as social check boxes. All the mom & therapy talk suggests you do. It's fine if people initially have specific goals. Indeed, romantic relationships often start when one party just wants sex. But friendships don't have goals.
In particular, close groups will often limit your involvement if you ever get competitive or upset about your status within the group. Isn't your classmate story such a case?
posted by jeffburdges at 7:59 PM on April 3, 2009
You must also figure out if you view your friends as social check boxes. All the mom & therapy talk suggests you do. It's fine if people initially have specific goals. Indeed, romantic relationships often start when one party just wants sex. But friendships don't have goals.
In particular, close groups will often limit your involvement if you ever get competitive or upset about your status within the group. Isn't your classmate story such a case?
posted by jeffburdges at 7:59 PM on April 3, 2009
Ask for help. Or offer help. I have a good friendship in my life that began casually, but was cemented when I offered to help with an apartment move. But asking for help can be just as good. People often enjoy feeling helpful and useful, and working together on something difficult is a real friendship builder.
posted by zadcat at 8:11 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by zadcat at 8:11 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
I agree with trunk muffin. My friends have told me that I came off really intensely when I first met them because I would bombard them with questions. But they quickly realized that I asked because I sincerely wanted to know. I'm curious about people around me and I love to hear people talk about things they are passionate about, even if I know nothing about the subject.
Also, I've become close friends with a lot of people I come into contact with regularly at bookstores, coffee shops, or bars. Ask the barista how their day is going. Not just to be polite, but because you really want to know. The more people feel like you care, the more likely the are to open up to you, which should eventually make you want to open up to them.
posted by xyla2000 at 8:19 PM on April 3, 2009
Also, I've become close friends with a lot of people I come into contact with regularly at bookstores, coffee shops, or bars. Ask the barista how their day is going. Not just to be polite, but because you really want to know. The more people feel like you care, the more likely the are to open up to you, which should eventually make you want to open up to them.
posted by xyla2000 at 8:19 PM on April 3, 2009
What you are going through is actually pretty normal. Superficial friends are easy to find, but quality friends, the ones who will be there for you no matter what, those are elusive. Factor in that nowadays people seem to be less in touch with each other and that as we get older, most folks withdraw into smaller and smaller circles, well, you can see where I am going with this. I don't know you personally, so I can't sit here and say that you won't benefit from some change in your approach to others; sometimes it does take getting out of your comfort zone to shake up your life in a positive manner...but what I do think you need to realize, is that it's not always about a malfunction in you. Most people go through their lives with only 1 or 2 really solid friends, and oftentimes at least 1 of these friends is their husband/wife. Get out, get some air, see the world, shake the tree...the rest will follow, trust me. Just go easy on yourself.
posted by scarello at 8:21 PM on April 3, 2009
posted by scarello at 8:21 PM on April 3, 2009
Friendship is reciprocal. You get out how much you put in (albeit, some people, like narcissists, are users, but you should be able to spot them pretty quick). I would suggest thinking about who you know and what you share in common with them. Are there certain people with who you feel connected? Or at least interested? Start with them. Make happy hour a weekly habit, or if you both like cooking, you can switch off trying recipes on each other. Find a hiking buddy, or a running buddy, basically general interests that can be the basis of getting together. It's a slow process, but if you pay attention to their lives in detail, most people will be flattered and want to come back for more. Actually, you should read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Really a great book, for your life and your business.
The key is to be involved and also let people in, especially without blabbing at them four hours about whatever is important to you without letting them speak.
As for therapy, I think talking about your family or other issues will help, but I'm not sure that it's the panacea people make it out to be. I think that if you're sincerely craving connection and make the effort to get to know people, it will come, but the key is effort and sincerity.
Btw, I don't make friends easily but after about a year and a half basically doing what I advise, albeit not consciously, I now have four amazing female friends.
Good luck.
posted by anniek at 8:25 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
The key is to be involved and also let people in, especially without blabbing at them four hours about whatever is important to you without letting them speak.
As for therapy, I think talking about your family or other issues will help, but I'm not sure that it's the panacea people make it out to be. I think that if you're sincerely craving connection and make the effort to get to know people, it will come, but the key is effort and sincerity.
Btw, I don't make friends easily but after about a year and a half basically doing what I advise, albeit not consciously, I now have four amazing female friends.
Good luck.
posted by anniek at 8:25 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: sparrowdance: You can't really be open and emotionally accessible to others until you become emotionally intimate with yourself. And until you have a healthy connection to your own heart and expression, no one is going to feel close to you.
KateHasQuestions: but I saw that because she was so open, people came to her a lot just to talk.
I think both of these responses are really insightful.
I really relate to what you describe, urbanette, and I have overcome intense feelings of loneliness and disconnection through therapy. My history is somewhat similar to yours, emotionally repressed family with narcissistic parents. For about five years I have attended a modern analytic form of group therapy that has strict boundaries (no drop-ins and no socializing outside of group). It has truly changed my life. It's in that forum that I've been able to learn all the things about relating and intimacy that I didn't learn from my parents. Now, I know myself better and am much more comfortable with myself, which has led me to be more comfortable and confident when interacting with other people. And I think that's what it's taken to be able to really connect with others. Recently I've formed really close and satisfying friendships and feel the positive effects with my SO.
You can certainly make the changes you desire; it'll just take some time and some good therapy. I don't know how you'd do it otherwise.
My heart is with you! Good luck!
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 8:29 PM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
KateHasQuestions: but I saw that because she was so open, people came to her a lot just to talk.
I think both of these responses are really insightful.
I really relate to what you describe, urbanette, and I have overcome intense feelings of loneliness and disconnection through therapy. My history is somewhat similar to yours, emotionally repressed family with narcissistic parents. For about five years I have attended a modern analytic form of group therapy that has strict boundaries (no drop-ins and no socializing outside of group). It has truly changed my life. It's in that forum that I've been able to learn all the things about relating and intimacy that I didn't learn from my parents. Now, I know myself better and am much more comfortable with myself, which has led me to be more comfortable and confident when interacting with other people. And I think that's what it's taken to be able to really connect with others. Recently I've formed really close and satisfying friendships and feel the positive effects with my SO.
You can certainly make the changes you desire; it'll just take some time and some good therapy. I don't know how you'd do it otherwise.
My heart is with you! Good luck!
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 8:29 PM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]
Have you thought about what's involved in a "bonding experience?" Making acquaintances isn't hard. Making true friends is.
They (bonding experiences) can be rare, and typically can't be forced. I think that being in situations increases the odds of them happening. As a guy, I can think of lots of examples of bonding experiences but I'm not sure they're the same kinds of things that induce bonding between women - I'm pretty sure that there are definitely different sets of stimuli and conditions that serve a similar function between women.
Give it time. Trust people. Be someone that people can trust.
posted by porpoise at 8:34 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
They (bonding experiences) can be rare, and typically can't be forced. I think that being in situations increases the odds of them happening. As a guy, I can think of lots of examples of bonding experiences but I'm not sure they're the same kinds of things that induce bonding between women - I'm pretty sure that there are definitely different sets of stimuli and conditions that serve a similar function between women.
Give it time. Trust people. Be someone that people can trust.
posted by porpoise at 8:34 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am going to agree with deathalicious up thread. You have to "put yourself out there." That means exposing parts of yourself that you don't normally share with people. Once people see something of themselves in your (and everyone is vulnerable in very similar ways, I've found) they will want to get closer to you.
This is something I struggle with too, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
posted by orville sash at 4:52 AM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is something I struggle with too, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
posted by orville sash at 4:52 AM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I've tried calling people up - and they are responsive usually when I ask. I seem to always have plans for drinks with someone or go to some event or party.
I'm not sure if these are the only sorts of places you're inviting people to, but I would have an awfully hard time connecting with someone at a bar or party for two reasons.
1. They are usually loud, sociable places where you're expected to talk to a lot of people not just the person who invited you.
2. Those events say very little about who you are to your potential friend (unless you love to party). If you have a common interest in, say, books why not invite this potential friend for coffee at a bookshop? A lunch date to your favorite place? A movie of a genre you both enjoy?
It think you need some more one-on-one time with these potential friends to deepen your connection with them and have more meaningful conversations than "Wow, the hors d'oeurves here are to die for."
posted by Mouse Army at 4:58 AM on April 4, 2009
I'm not sure if these are the only sorts of places you're inviting people to, but I would have an awfully hard time connecting with someone at a bar or party for two reasons.
1. They are usually loud, sociable places where you're expected to talk to a lot of people not just the person who invited you.
2. Those events say very little about who you are to your potential friend (unless you love to party). If you have a common interest in, say, books why not invite this potential friend for coffee at a bookshop? A lunch date to your favorite place? A movie of a genre you both enjoy?
It think you need some more one-on-one time with these potential friends to deepen your connection with them and have more meaningful conversations than "Wow, the hors d'oeurves here are to die for."
posted by Mouse Army at 4:58 AM on April 4, 2009
A combination of what trunkmuffins said--taking an intense, genuine interest in people by asking questions, flattering them with attention, and truly listening--combined with Kateasksquestions' advice--making yourself more personally open--is something to try.
Make it a habit to spend two-thirds of your time with an acquaintance listening deeply, following up with questions (e.g. "Zither playing? Wow? I never met a zither player before. Is that something your parents played or did you just learn it on your own? What made you get started on it?" "Oh, a boyfriend played? Are you still together? etc. Or get in the habit of repeating back, in a friendly, interested, non-robotic reflective fashion, what they just said so they know you were truly listening and interested.) Use the other third of the interaction to bring add your own relevant personal experiences as a way of connecting and getting them to talk some more. ("You're kidding! I had that same experience of having a drug dealer as my first college roommate and I was so clueless, didn't even know what Ecstasy was. I found out pretty fast. What did you do about your roommate?" etc. etc.) Two-thirds them, one-third you--make it personal. Smile.
posted by Elsie at 4:58 AM on April 4, 2009
Make it a habit to spend two-thirds of your time with an acquaintance listening deeply, following up with questions (e.g. "Zither playing? Wow? I never met a zither player before. Is that something your parents played or did you just learn it on your own? What made you get started on it?" "Oh, a boyfriend played? Are you still together? etc. Or get in the habit of repeating back, in a friendly, interested, non-robotic reflective fashion, what they just said so they know you were truly listening and interested.) Use the other third of the interaction to bring add your own relevant personal experiences as a way of connecting and getting them to talk some more. ("You're kidding! I had that same experience of having a drug dealer as my first college roommate and I was so clueless, didn't even know what Ecstasy was. I found out pretty fast. What did you do about your roommate?" etc. etc.) Two-thirds them, one-third you--make it personal. Smile.
posted by Elsie at 4:58 AM on April 4, 2009
crunchtopmuffin: I don't know how you'd do it otherwise.
Ok, that not what I really meant. What I meant is that I'm not sure how I would have done it otherwise. Certainly, I think different people could have successfully coped in other ways!
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 6:36 AM on April 4, 2009
Ok, that not what I really meant. What I meant is that I'm not sure how I would have done it otherwise. Certainly, I think different people could have successfully coped in other ways!
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 6:36 AM on April 4, 2009
Best answer: I'd strongly suggest you look for group therapy for this issue, rather than individual therapy. The great thing about therapy groups is that you can get real-time feedback from others in the group about how you come across, and what mannerisms or habits you have that turn people off. In addition, there's a therapist there to help make the environment safe and to help you learn how to benefit from the feedback you receive.
The American Group Psychotherapy Association can help you get started in your search, if this seems like it might be a good path for you.
posted by jasper411 at 3:22 PM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
The American Group Psychotherapy Association can help you get started in your search, if this seems like it might be a good path for you.
posted by jasper411 at 3:22 PM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Ok, I kind of have a similar problem, but it's caused more by the fact that I'm a standoffish prick. In some circles I'm known as "Bookman" because I seriously will read anywhere. I always have a bevy of gadgets that I sit behind, I have pretty extreme views about the world (having kids is selfish), I'm vicious if you give me cues I don't like (you want a diamond, you freak! do you know where they come from?!?!), I have a sense of humor that a lot of people just. don't. get. ("you liked Slumdog Millionaire too? OMG have you ever seen bangbus?"), and I'm really no good at small talk or politeness (to sleepy drunk girl at the bar who I don't know: "here, cigarette, smoke it. Head up, don't sleep."). I have official Character status in most of my established circles.
I compensate with:
1) Facebook. 15-20 comments a day, because c'mon, it's connection. It lets people know I'm thinking about them.
2) Helping. I love askmefi, 'cause I get to help. Give me the slightest hint, and I'll wedge my way in and try to help, try to advise, offer to be there and do something. If you need help moving a couch, I will be there. If you're making a t-shirt, well sir, I may just know the perfect store for you! I've made more than a few friends that way.
3) Giving. Share what you have! There's no bonding experience like doing something together, giving something that you have. The helping and sharing, well, they create those bonding experiences.
4) Quirky hobbies. I'm the go-to guy in some of my circles for a lot of different stuff. Do you want music? I got hundreds of gigs. And oh we can talk about it. I'm no genius, but I'm expert at a few things, and I'll hook your shit up if you need a hookup. I know the city pretty well, I know the local language, and I know lots of nifty little factoids about the universe that I can drop into a conversation.
Focus on being someone who can create bonding experiences. If I suck at everything else (and believe me, I do, I get visibly annoyed with small talk and superficial conversations), I'm good at creating bonding experiences with people, and that's about the only reason anybody likes me at all. Create more bonding experiences! Hobbies, gifting, helping, buying stuff for people, sincerely listen when people are being sincere, you'll do fine!
posted by saysthis at 4:35 PM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
I compensate with:
1) Facebook. 15-20 comments a day, because c'mon, it's connection. It lets people know I'm thinking about them.
2) Helping. I love askmefi, 'cause I get to help. Give me the slightest hint, and I'll wedge my way in and try to help, try to advise, offer to be there and do something. If you need help moving a couch, I will be there. If you're making a t-shirt, well sir, I may just know the perfect store for you! I've made more than a few friends that way.
3) Giving. Share what you have! There's no bonding experience like doing something together, giving something that you have. The helping and sharing, well, they create those bonding experiences.
4) Quirky hobbies. I'm the go-to guy in some of my circles for a lot of different stuff. Do you want music? I got hundreds of gigs. And oh we can talk about it. I'm no genius, but I'm expert at a few things, and I'll hook your shit up if you need a hookup. I know the city pretty well, I know the local language, and I know lots of nifty little factoids about the universe that I can drop into a conversation.
Focus on being someone who can create bonding experiences. If I suck at everything else (and believe me, I do, I get visibly annoyed with small talk and superficial conversations), I'm good at creating bonding experiences with people, and that's about the only reason anybody likes me at all. Create more bonding experiences! Hobbies, gifting, helping, buying stuff for people, sincerely listen when people are being sincere, you'll do fine!
posted by saysthis at 4:35 PM on April 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Wow. Thank you all for the great responses! It means a lot. I think, upon further reflection from all of your prompts, that I must not be able to let my guard down enough for people to feel truly connected with me. I have no trouble having extended conversations and meeting tons of people. I just can't get it to the next level.
My father used to get angry at me when I was little for using 'emotional blackmail' when I would cry in front of them. And I never really felt like I could run up to my mom and give her a hug. As silly as this may seem, I never realized how much of an impact that situation had on me as a person. I can't seem to get my guard down and just let people in. I tend to be a mystery to all of my social acquaintances.
And bingo to the person who said I'm approaching this on a very intellectual level. That's all I really know how to do until I learn how to better connect with my own emotions. It's funny, I could never tell when I was tired or cranky, or excitable until a few years ago. I would just ride through each emotion. Funny huh? I wish there was just an 'emotion' book I could read.
So it seems therapy it is. In the meantime, I will try and listen more and ask more questions about people's feelings. I'm an ok listener. People like to confide in me and funnily enough, friends come to me for advice a lot since I can look at their issues without emotions. But I will make an effort to truly put myself out there.
Thank you all again so much. Hopefully I'll be back soon to update you on my progress. This is important to me to solve. This has been cathartic just to even ask for help. I know it will change my life for the better!
And PS - to those 53 people who marked this as a favourite. It means a lot to know that I'm not the only one out there... :)
posted by urbanette at 5:42 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
My father used to get angry at me when I was little for using 'emotional blackmail' when I would cry in front of them. And I never really felt like I could run up to my mom and give her a hug. As silly as this may seem, I never realized how much of an impact that situation had on me as a person. I can't seem to get my guard down and just let people in. I tend to be a mystery to all of my social acquaintances.
And bingo to the person who said I'm approaching this on a very intellectual level. That's all I really know how to do until I learn how to better connect with my own emotions. It's funny, I could never tell when I was tired or cranky, or excitable until a few years ago. I would just ride through each emotion. Funny huh? I wish there was just an 'emotion' book I could read.
So it seems therapy it is. In the meantime, I will try and listen more and ask more questions about people's feelings. I'm an ok listener. People like to confide in me and funnily enough, friends come to me for advice a lot since I can look at their issues without emotions. But I will make an effort to truly put myself out there.
Thank you all again so much. Hopefully I'll be back soon to update you on my progress. This is important to me to solve. This has been cathartic just to even ask for help. I know it will change my life for the better!
And PS - to those 53 people who marked this as a favourite. It means a lot to know that I'm not the only one out there... :)
posted by urbanette at 5:42 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's very hard for me to emulate her because I am a very private and reserved person and it's difficult for me to ask the kind of questions that my friend asks. Try to push past that. Lavish genuine attention on others and see what comes of it.
posted by trunk muffins at 6:55 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]