How to move to another city when my wife doesn't?
March 3, 2009 1:18 PM Subscribe
I want to move to Seattle from New York City and my wife doesn't. How do we make this work?
posted by nyc_consultant to human relations (28 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
My wife and I both have successful careers as consultants, are in our early 30s, and have lived in New York City for the last 3 years. We're ready to start a family and create a more stable life. We can't do that in our current situation given that we are on the road 4 days a week and don't want to settle down in the NYC/NJ area. I want to move to Seattle and start the next phase of our life there.
I grew up in Seattle and have a burning desire to move back, for the quality of life (outdoors, schools, cost of living, people, etc). Moving would require new jobs for both of us, since our employers don't have offices there. I've already found and have been offered a new job in Seattle that fits me well. My wife has visited Seattle and likes it, but has 3 major misgivings:
1) Her mother lives in Maryland alone, and my wife is an only child. My wife feels a lot of pressure to be close to and take care of her mom (they are Asian, so there is a cultural factor - I'm white). Her mom has already told her that if we move to Seattle, she wouldn't come to visit us. My wife is worried about the guilt she is going to feel if she moves to Seattle.
2) My wife's career, which she really enjoys, is in a market sector that doesn't really exist in the Seattle area. She is worried that she will have trouble finding a job that she likes, finds challenging, and is as enjoyable as her current one.
3) My wife is worried that the gray weather in Seattle will make her depressed.
She is somewhat on board with a move, but we are both concerned that all of these will cause her to become resentful and angry if we move to Seattle, and thus cause a lot of fights between us, which neither of us want.
I love my wife and we have a great relationship. If we move to Seattle, I want her to be happy, and I don't want her to feel bad for any of these reasons. We have been talking through these issues, but we can't figure out how to "answer" them. What should we do?