SexFilter: Help me hone my oral sex giving skills for my new girlfriend

November 5, 2004 10:52 AM

I am a younger male who wants to be a better lover to my new girlfriend, specifically in regards to giving her oral sex. I sense she doesn't like to talk about these things explicitly, and I'm not entirely sure I know what I'm doing. What I'd like to know from MeFites is: what qualifies as good head for a woman? Fast, slow, teasing, aggressive? What feels best? And what things should be avoided as not to spoil the moment? (I'm a little skeptical some female MeFites will feel comfortable offering explicit advice, but I'm pretty sex-positive and I hope some of you are too!)
posted by anonymous to human relations (21 answers total)

I'm not good at describing technique, but I can give you one don't: never blow into a vagina. Supposedly it doesn't feel good to most, and more importantly it could cause a freak embolism.

Also, the adivice that will probably be posted a bazillion times while I'm previewing this: ask her what she likes and listen when she tells you.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:21 AM on November 5, 2004

Well, I'm a male, but I've gone through this when I was younger. I really wanted to be the best lover I could be, so I read, read, practiced on women, read, got feedback, practiced some more, etc.

I'm told that I am excellent at it. :)

Anyway, it's all about the tongue on the clit. Usually simple rapid up and down movement with the end of your tongue. No teeth. Gentle sucking for some ladies. Consistency, as it's just when she's getting close that your tongue will get tired and you'll change rhythm and blow it. And plenty of stamina. The rest is the personal preference of the girl.

Of course, YMMV.
posted by eas98 at 11:22 AM on November 5, 2004

"Lick the alphabet" -- Sam Kinnison
posted by bondcliff at 11:54 AM on November 5, 2004

Oh, god no, not the alphabet. I was hoping that wasn't going to be suggested.
posted by adampsyche at 11:55 AM on November 5, 2004

See this Savage Love column.

There's no substitute for asking her. ;)
posted by sid at 12:01 PM on November 5, 2004

What I like varies with what sort of sex I'm having and whether the guy I'm with has any particular talents in any one regard. Any generic "chicks dig this" statements will be wrong for a big population of women. That said, there are usually styles that work well in combination and figuring out what style your girlfriend likes is a start. For example:

the super sensitive gal: wants you to basically avoid the clit until she's really near orgasm. so you work on lots of oblique licking & general area caresses and take cues from her when it's time to really start working her clit.
steady as she goes: some gals like what I always think of men as liking, rapid pressure in a really steady rhythm over and over. Think dog at water dish. This is the tack that a lot of novices take and while it's not all bad if it's not her thing iit can get boring
all clit all the time: these women respond to good alphabet maneuvers, they like lots of different kinds of attention, you can use your hands to get better access or a better angle. since the clitoris as an organ actually extends down both sides of the labia this doesn't just limit you to a small area if you know where to look.
g-spot ladies: use your fingers, know where to find it, pay special attention when your girl is right at the edge
assplay: most people don't like to admit that this is an erogenous zone with lots of tantalizing nerve endings. figuring out if your gal is or is not into this is a good thing to do and pretty easily felt out in an explorative manner.

While you don't have to ask her explicity what she likes, you should become attuned to what she it telling you without saying it in words. Noises, gentle nudging you in one direction, increased "oh yeah I like that" motions or just a sort of tempo pick-up usually indicate you've hit the good spot. A classic novice mistake is to say "Oh yes, I've hit the good spot" and then hit it over and over and over again until your ladyfriend is devoid of all feeling in the good spot. The really good news is that both of you have the same goal, more or less, so if you're not comfy with asking her directly what she likes at the time, there are all sorts of oblique ways of bringing it up or just using the rest of your sense organs to figure it out.
posted by jessamyn at 12:36 PM on November 5, 2004 [2 favorites]

never blow into a vagina.

???
posted by matteo at 1:15 PM on November 5, 2004

"Dear Alice, My girlfriend and I have oral sex. I heard that if you blow in the vagina of a female that it could kill her. Is that true?"
posted by jessamyn at 1:52 PM on November 5, 2004

Every woman's different, but this is a good place to start.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:57 PM on November 5, 2004

As a side note, reading Dan Savage on the subject of cunnilingus is often kind of a drag, because he is apparently incapable of resisting the opportunity to mention how it makes him want to puke. I get it, already, Dan, our parts are ooky, give it a rest.

More on topic, Jessamyn is dead on: you don't have to ask outright to get plenty of feedback, so having an idea of the wide range of things a girl might like is probably your best start. Especially if she's not the type to want to lay out her preferences explicitly, as you say, she might not even know, exactly, what she'd like best; in general, it's much easier to scope it out in practice. Also, there's nothing wrong with a little conversation during the early stages of the act itself, as well as paying attention to nonverbal cues. "How's this?"
posted by redfoxtail at 2:21 PM on November 5, 2004

I heard that if you blow in the vagina of a female that it could kill her.

!!!!!!!

(thanks jessamyn)
posted by matteo at 2:23 PM on November 5, 2004

Get The Guide to Getting It On. It has a chapter on this, of course, but also lots of good tips about how to improve your techniques by communicating your partner and just playing around and having fun.
posted by bonheur at 2:25 PM on November 5, 2004

Asking, asking, asking.

I myself am not even remotely interested in the cunnilingus, ever. And, yes, I am sex-positive and bisexual and "comfortable with my body and its functions" and actually have a pussy that tastes (in my humble opinion) really good. However, for some reason, my nerve endings are arranged in such a way as to make receiving oral sex annoying rather than delightful.

But let's assume, anonymous, that your girlfriend doesn't have the same freak wiring that I do, and that you've asked her what she likes and followed jessamyn's extraordinarily wise advice above and you're still not sending her to the Moon.

My additional advice, from my premarital years of muff-diving, is that it helps to watch your partner masturbate to orgasm and take mental notes. Seriously. A) it's a priori hot, and B) it gives you an idea of what she likes stimulated, and in what order. Also, it's really hot.

One other tip that I'm surprised that nobody has offered here is this: for the love of Baal, whatever you do, please do not dig in and suck on the clitoris as though it were a nipple or a penis. It's not.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:39 PM on November 5, 2004

"Lick the alphabet" -- Sam Kinnison
posted by bondcliff at 11:54 AM PST on November 5

Oh, god no, not the alphabet. I was hoping that wasn't going to be suggested.

My best friend tells me that he writes me love letters. It works.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:27 PM on November 5, 2004

The Vice Guide to Eating Pussy.
posted by dobbs at 6:36 PM on November 5, 2004

Put a pillow or two under her butt before you start. Your neck won't get tired nearly as quickly, and your increased stamina will pay off.
posted by Vidiot at 7:25 PM on November 5, 2004

To show the diversity out there, what Sidhedevil has just told you never ever to do was explicitly requested of me by a woman who really, really liked it.

But she did ask - I wouldn't spring on anyone uninvited.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:38 PM on November 5, 2004

"spring it on anyone uninvited".

It's not a good idea to spring on people uninvited either, of course.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:40 PM on November 5, 2004

Jessamyn rules.

In every AskMe thread I've read where she contributes, she delivers a thoughtful, thorough, and yet succinct opinion. I rarely want to contribute after reading her comments, because she "says it all" for me so often.
posted by xena at 10:54 PM on November 5, 2004

If I has to give someone instructions as to how to get me off:

The best way to go about it would be to treat each of the erogenous zones as a "bullseye" . By this I mean, start on the outer rings of the "bullseye" and slowly work your way in towards the nipples or the clit. The more foreplay you do, the more aroused she'll be by the time you get to the "bullseye" and she'll get off much quicker than if you just dove straight in. Going straight for the nipples or clit doesn't feel good, it's often very irritating.

Pay attention to her breathing. If she's breathing heavily and it's getting faster, you're on the right track.

Treat her clit like you are giving her a particularly long and sensuous french kiss - not the 9th grade tounge hockey kind of french kiss, either. A little gentle suction on the whole clit while you are running your tounge across her clit hood and clit (remember "bullseye") in a steady, consistent movement. Apply more pressure and faster movements as her breathing gets quicker and more shallow, and you are so there, my friend.

If this doesn't work, try something different until you get the fast, shallow breaths going, and stick to that movement.

Digital stimulation while you are going down on her will make it particularly intense - enter her with your palm facing up, one or two fingers, and use a beckoning/"come here" movement.

Advanced technique: If you want to make her orgasm particularly intense, go down on her until you notice that her breaths are getting fast and shallow and back off - go back to playing with her breasts or something else for a while, then go back to going down on her. Do this as many times as you or she can stand, then keep going until she comes.

Also, tell her how much you are enjoying this, how good she tastes, how much doing it is turning you on. Many women are self-conscious - they worry that they taste or smell bad, that you're only doing it out of a sense of obligation, that you're getting bored, etc. It can make it hard for her to relax and enjoy what you're doing. Seriously, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.

This is what works for me, it might not work for every woman, but give it a shot.
posted by echolalia67 at 4:54 PM on November 6, 2004 [1 favorite]

Advanced technique: If you want to make her orgasm particularly intense, go down on her until you notice that her breaths are getting fast and shallow and back off - go back to playing with her breasts or something else for a while, then go back to going down on her. Do this as many times as you or she can stand, then keep going until she comes.

Like all techniques, different strokes will appeal to different folks, but if I'm close to coming, and he backs off, it's over. It's like I have to start all over again, except now I'm annoyed and tired and thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner or wear to work in the morning and we'd might as well give up and read or something.

So my advice is to have an array of techniques at the ready (jessamyn's post is, indeed, comprehensive), and provides a good reason for echolalia to classify that particular technique as advanced: don't use until you have enough experience with the partner to know it will work.

The bullseye method, though? That's aces.
posted by jennyb at 1:36 PM on November 7, 2004