How to say I'm sorry I saw you when I should have looked away?

February 6, 2009 9:04 PM

How do I say I'm sorry, I understand, It's OK to a neighbor with Tourette's Syndrome or something similar... without making it worse for either of us?

OK, we live in a nice new apartment in a New England city, and there is a Screamer who lives across the street, and I mean right across the street. She will, at various times of the day, go out on her porch, and start screaming at someone, it sounds like she's going at it with a faithless lover on the cell-phone, combined with a two-year-old in the cereal aisle at the supermarket. I could never quite make out what she was screaming about, but I was annoyed that she was shrieking like that.

Tonight, when she started up, I rushed out onto the front porch to see who it was screaming, and to try to figure out what they were screaming about.

It... was... awful. She knew right away I was there. It was incredibly offensive words punctuated by pleas of forgiveness. I know now that she really and truly can't control herself, and I feel very, very bad that I intruded on something so painful and personal.

So... how do I say I'm sorry, I understand, It's OK... without making it worse for either of us?

posted by Slap*Happy to human relations (37 comments total)

Was she asking forgiveness from those around or the big man in the sky. There is a very big difference, both in the condition and the way to approach it.
posted by sanka at 9:09 PM on February 6

From me. Personally.

(n-word-n-word)No social life!(B-word-b-word-c-word)Can't stop it(c-word-c-word)Sorrysorrysorry(n-word, over and over again.) Maybe not in that order, but that was the gist as soon as she spotted me.

Oh, man, it broke my heart.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:14 PM on February 6

Write her a note and put it in her mailbox? This is exactly the sort of thing a hand-written succinct note is for.
Something like:

Dear Screamer,

I truly regret that I intruded on something so personal to you last night. This note is simply to say that I'm sorry, that I understand your situation must be difficult, and that I hope there is no ill-will between us. In the future, I will try my very best to be understanding and to give you your space.

Sincerely,
Neighbor Across the Street
posted by Mizu at 9:20 PM on February 6

By not saying anything at all. Seriously. Smile and say hello and carry on a conversation with her without commenting on her Tourette's. You will be among probably 2 in 10 people to do so.

I used to work with someone who had Tourette's (he did not vocalize except for coughing and slight grunting) and it would happen frequently that someone would interact with him for the first time and instead of continuing the conversation when he twitched and coughed/grunted, would pause, and ask, "Are you ok?" He would tell them yes and continue and most of the time that would be it. Occasionally, someone would persist, asking, "Are you sure you are ok? Is this a good time?" He would respond, "Yes, I am fine, let's continue".

Once in a while, someone who had found out he had Tourette's would make a point of apologizing the next time they saw him. He would always respond, "That's not necessary" and politely change the subject.

My impression was that the apologizing called more attention to his condition than he would have liked (Other people would be around when the person apologizing was explaining what they were thinking when they questioned him during their last conversation) and he always tried to wrap up these apologizing sessions very quickly.
posted by MLIS at 9:24 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

I've had a few kids with Tourette's. Mainly, you ignore it. Treat it like stuttering — don't rush them, don't fill in sentences, don't jump in. Defocus your eyes a bit and put on your poker face. Be patient. Relax. Your tension and impatience can only make them more anxious, which feeds the vicious cycle. The tics can be harder to ignore. Had one kid who had a tic of, when in conversation, looking a bit to his right and his eyes would widen suddenly, head quivering a bit, as if in horror and surprise.

It took a while to not reflexively whip around and see what was coming up at me from behind.

Preserving dignity for everyone can sometimes be a bit of a challenge.
posted by adipocere at 9:48 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

Ignoring it means shutting my door, and forgetting it even happened. Ethically, this is unacceptable. I refuse to ignore someone after intruding like that... it was rude of me, and would be far more rude just to let it slide by. I can't have her feeling like the people across the street think she's awful for screaming the way she does, when I feel awful for "calling her out" by rushing out to go look the way I did.

Should I order flowers, leave a note, invite her to the next poetry slam (where she will =not= be the most behaviorally challenged member of a social community), or invite her over to dinner, I dunno! I don't want to come across as pitying her, either... this is an apology for =my= behavior, not hers!
posted by Slap*Happy at 10:04 PM on February 6

I am going to alter my answer if the following is true: you are black and she is not. In that case, I think it would be good to let her know that you're not offended by her involuntary use of the n-word. If this is not the case, then yeah, just don't call any attention to it and treat her like anyone else. Say hello next time you see her, discuss the weather, and don't mention the incident. If someone, I don't know, lost control of their bowels in front of you, you certainly wouldn't speak of it again (not making a direct comparison here, but you know what I mean).
posted by desjardins at 10:09 PM on February 6

Honestly, I don't think you did *anything* rude at all, since you had no idea that she had this problem! Of course, now that you know, you won't do it again...but honestly, nobody could fault you for not having known in advance.

That said, I think it's extremely admirable for you to want to make an effort to put her at ease. I agree with those who say that to bring up the specific incident again is overkill, and probably would do more harm than good. Instead, I think the best way to defuse the situation and show your good faith would be to make some sort of unrelated gesture to her. Personally invite her to a casual get-together at your place for neighbours, and even if she declines, the gesture will be appreciated. Maybe the next time you run into each other outside your doors, offer to give her a lift downtown. Something, anything, that doesn't single her out as a charity case but still shows that you'd like to be friendly.
posted by Pomo at 10:17 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

Ignoring it means shutting my door, and forgetting it even happened.

This may be precisely what she wants you to do. Please don't make it a spectacle with flowers or dinner without knowing better.
posted by tristeza at 10:18 PM on February 6

It must have been so sad to have unexpectedly witnessed that, and it's great that you're so understanding, but I don't think you should turn it into a big event with an elaborate apology. It might make you feel better about it, but it'll probably just be awkward for her.

I think the best route would be to just greet her cheerfully next time you see her and be a friendly neighbour. She'll be able to tell your feelings from that.
posted by Relic at 10:45 PM on February 6 [3 favorites]

Sometimes, the right thing is to not make a grand gesture. You don't know this woman well enough to know what her circumstances are, or how she'd take any gesture you'd make. All you do know is that she is embarrassed about her condition and how she's powerless to stop it from impacting you, a nice neighbour who wants to help, or to talk.

Next time you make a big batch of marinara (or some other food you can only cook in army-sized batches), if she seems friendly and receptive to you in the times you see her in the interim, maybe bring her some? Kind of like you'd do for any old neighbour you were friendly with, with or without Tourettes?
posted by Grrlscout at 10:46 PM on February 6

Checking the neighborhood to see what a ruckus is isn't rude.
posted by sageleaf at 10:56 PM on February 6 [6 favorites]

What Pomo says. I started out thinking that a note that actually includes your line "this is an apology for =my= behavior" would be the way to go, but seriously: when you went out looking, this was surely totally not the first time someone came to stare at her screaming. She has seen it all, it is you who hasn't. She's got a handicap, and the balance required from the onlooker between acknowledging and letting it go is the classic one.
posted by Namlit at 11:37 PM on February 6

My dad has Tourette's. He's not like Screamer, but he has his tics, and I'm sure he's gotten his share of stares. This doesn't bother him, not even whenever anyone has cracked a joke about TS in his presence. It's when they profoundly apologize immediately after... or when my face turns scarlet, and I look like I'm about to knock somebody out on his behalf... that he gets painfully embarrassed. TS is part of his life, and he understands that people will forget that it's real and real people suffer from it. He'd rather not anyone call attention to it or treat him differently. That means it's okay if people ask him, "What?" when he mutters nonsensical fragments of words or if people ask if he's got something in his eyes when he starts blinking a lot. That's just life.

So, I would guess that Screamer feels much the same way, though her tics are more obvious and more painful for her. Don't call anymore attention to it, but be neighborly toward her to show there are no hard feelings.
posted by katillathehun at 11:38 PM on February 6 [1 favorite]

I'd put good money down that this isn't Tourette, but schizophrenia. Tourette is a tic disorder; the person doesn't have control. Moreover, the popular notion of a person screaming obscenities is actually somewhat rare among people with the syndrome.

A person with Tourette doesn't walk outside and start screaming for lengths of time. It just doesn't present like that. This sounds much more like schizophrenia or a similar psychiatric illness.

Before doing anything, you should try to educate yourself more on what is really happening. The person may react quite differently than you expect.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:41 PM on February 6 [4 favorites]

Ethically, this is unacceptable. I refuse to ignore someone after intruding like that...

You are refusing to do what multiple people who have experience in this area have advised you is the polite thing to do. The thing that she would most likely want you to do. If you ignore that advice, you're basically making her feel worse in order to make yourself feel better. I'm not sure what sort of ethics you follow, but using someone else without regard for her feelings in order to make oneself feel less bad seems wrong to me.
posted by decathecting at 11:46 PM on February 6 [9 favorites]

It seems that anything more than a note would be overkill. Leaving a note might be as well, but if it makes you feel better...
posted by kpmcguire at 11:47 PM on February 6

Tourette is a tic disorder; the person doesn't have control.

Not true.

It's very very very difficult to control but not impossible. TS tics are compulsions. They aren't involuntary actions. My dad says tics are like suddenly have the itchiest itch you've ever had in your life. And you know you shouldn't scratch it, but the more you try not to, the more it itches. Giving in provides relief but only temporarily because that same itch will come back again and again... for the rest of your life.

It's absolutely possible that the OP's neighbor has another disorder, but her being able to stop enough to apologize for herself is not proof that this is schizophrenia.
posted by katillathehun at 11:59 PM on February 6 [2 favorites]

There's nothing to apologize for. If you hear screaming, a normal reaction is to go outside and see what is going on. Her screaming intruded on you. The fact that she cannot help herself does not suddenly impose a burden of fault on you. Now in the future you can give her space when she is screaming again but otherwise really no reason to bring it up.

It is not rude to be interested in the world around you. Rude would have been approaching her house, asking intrusive questions, responding to what she was saying in kind or yelling back. What you did you did out of curiosity and concern, not malice.

At this point I would be cautious about initiating contact with her. I personally would be weirded out if I behaved in a way that I couldn't help but found embarrassing, but then was sent a bouquet of flowers. I can't even think of what sort of note would be appropriate. Mizu's note is, I'm sorry, really overkill and implies that you will never go out on your porch again to avoid "intruding" on her space. This might upset her even more. I know if someone said, "Clearly I cannot be present in the same general area as you for your own good" I would be upset by this.

Maybe start with just saying hello to her if you see her in a public place or on the street not during one of her episodes or fits.
posted by Deathalicious at 12:03 AM on February 7

Dude, is her screaming a big deal? No? Then don't make it one, jeez. If you're social, maybe say, hey, sorry I stared. Won't let it happen again.
posted by klangklangston at 12:08 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Ethically, this is unacceptable. I refuse to ignore someone after intruding like that... it was rude of me, and would be far more rude just to let it slide by ...

Listen, she was acting like a freak and a lunatic, and you wanted to know what was going on. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL SORRY ABOUT. This business about "ethics" requiring you to apologize when you did nothing wrong, is silly, because apologies are only appropriate when you behave in a way that violates some norm.

Wondering why someone is screaming and cursing outside your house, and going to investigate, violates no norms.
posted by jayder at 12:09 AM on February 7

In my experience, an apology manifested by a change of behaviour is a lot more meaningful than an apology in words. So I agree that you should just pretend that nothing happened, and show her your desire to be caring by just being a nice neighbour. Wanting to apologise is actually more about you than her.

But, since you seem determinted to apologise, you need to be very careful about how you do it. This is not an opportunity to acknowledge her behaviour (even kindly), which she hasn't consciously invited. She hasn't offered you any information about her condition, so manners dictate that you should act as if you don't know about it.

I think anything more than a short note is disproportionate to your mistake, and a note won't put her on the spot. Perhaps include a short overture of neighbourly friendliness. Perhaps something along the lines of:

'Dear Neighbour,

I'm sorry to have intruded on you the other night. It was ill-judged of me and I apologise.

I don't think we've met properly yet, but I'm sure as neighbours we'll have the chance sometime soon. I'm in apartment 6 - please feel welcome if you ever need to borrow a cup of sugar or whatnot.
posted by Emilyisnow at 12:10 AM on February 7 [4 favorites]

Mizu's note is, I'm sorry, really overkill and implies that you will never go out on your porch again to avoid "intruding" on her space. This might upset her even more. I know if someone said, "Clearly I cannot be present in the same general area as you for your own good" I would be upset by this.

I just wanted to pop back in and say I AGREE! In retrospect my advice is awful. Take it only at your own risk.
posted by Mizu at 12:30 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Send a simple card, and write your sentiments within.

Flowers are over the top, and the card will allow her to receive your thoughts in her house: space that is private and space.
posted by DWRoelands at 5:15 AM on February 7

Does the Tourette's force her outside on her porch to do her screaming? How is it intruding when she was outside for everyone to see? She should expect someone to be curious/upset as to what's going on.

Have you talked to any of your other neighbours about her? I don't think you need to apologize directly to her (may make her feel even more embarrassed), but when you do see her.. wave and smile. Neighbourly gestures speak volumes.

But I still want to know why she goes outside to do it...
posted by czechmate at 5:44 AM on February 7

I refuse to ignore someone after intruding like that... it was rude of me, and would be far more rude just to let it slide by.

In this case, 'rude' is subjective -- don't make it about your discomfort. I like your good heart but I must agree with the others who say, leave it alone. You will have an opportunity one day to do something neighborly, low-key and normal, which is probably, for her, the best response. Let it be, it will come.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:55 AM on February 7

How is it intruding when she was outside for everyone to see?

Seconding czechmate's comment; you caught her at a vulnerable moment, sure, but you didn't point, laugh, shout or otherwise react inappropriately. It would be odd if you hadn't checked the source of the disturbance.

It's understandable to feel guilt but I get the feeling it may be related to all those times you attributed her screaming to factors other than her condition, rather than the most recent incident, which seems fairly benign.

Listen to all the people above who say that a change in behaviour is more telling for this woman. If you want to be accepting of her, have a personal conversation during which you thoughtfully disregard her tics and act normally.

And look on the bright side! Though you may feel guilty now, you will be more mindful in the future.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:30 AM on February 7

I have a wicked case of the 'rette's, and I've had to compulsion to leave my house as well as the compulsion to scream a string of expletives, though not coupled with each other. So, yeah, it could be something else, or it could be Tourette. Doesn't really matter.

When I'm walking alone I keep up a mumbling, sing-song conversation with myself some of the time, and when I think of something that gets me particularly excited or anxious my voice raises and fragments of my thoughts get yelled out. Sometimes someone else is on the sidewalk with me. I always go through these thoughts:

A) Maybe they think I've got one of those annoying Bluetooth headsets! And I have really weird conversations!

B) Maybe they don't think anything of it.

C) Maybe they think I'm talking to them. Oh, shit.

D) Maybe they think I'm crazy and can't help it.

Honestly, I much prefer D to C. I can't make myself have tics, but I can let myself have tics; encourage them, if you will. So sometimes if I think someone thinks my "CUNTSHITDICK" was directed at them, I'll append a "WHY DON'T YOU STICK IT IN YOUR ASSHOLE"* just so they know I really, really can't help it and don't have anything against them.

All this is really embarrassing, and thankfully this has happens very rarely in the past few years, but I tried to think about what I would have wanted if a neighbor "caught" me wallowing about in a mess of coprolalia.

I would not have wanted them to mention it. I would want them to know that there's something wrong with me, and not to take it personally, which she should know is the case to you since she kind of explained it between her outbursts. And then I would want them to let me know there's no hard feelings and they understand and they still like me; not with flowers or notes or dinner, but with normal neighborly interactions. Wave to her and smile while you're getting the mail, bitch about the snow when you shovel your sidewalk. That's it. You didn't do anything wrong.

One last thing: I hate having conversations with strangers about my Tourette Syndrome. Metafilter excepted. I make my friends explain it to new friends, and wait for people to get used to it, and then I'm fine answering questions and laughing along with jokes. But having a conversation with a neighbor who didn't really understand it? Fifth layer of hell. Smiles and waving hello would go over way better with me in letting me know you're cool with it.

*I'm totally getting a letter from the Tourette Syndrome Association for playing into negative stereotypes about TS. Not everyone has tics like this, OK? And I wish I was one of them. The vast majority of tics, i shall say, are mumblings and fragments of words and things you'd never notice if you shared a sidewalk with me.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:31 AM on February 7 [18 favorites]

Nthing just being friendly, no note necessary, and could be weird.

Maybe there's a light comment you could make when you see her? "Hey, I'm sorry I jumped out on my porch the other night, I didn't realize it was just you. By the way, did you see that they're putting in a new grocery store on Grand Avenue?" etc.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:11 AM on February 7

Actually making a big apology would be intrusive. Don't make it about you. Don;t make it about your neighbor. Just let it be.
posted by RussHy at 8:33 AM on February 7

I think that a note can seem very cold and is too easy for someone to misread the tone, I second MLIS that the best way is to gloss over and show a willingness to spend time with them.
posted by daveydave at 8:36 AM on February 7

If she mentions she has Tourette's, be compassionate and communicate to her through accepting and friendly behavior that you know what that is and that it does not make her in any way insane. She's a person. She just has Tourette's. (In a way, this is like communicating with a friend who has, for example, a mood disorder. They're a person. Among the many things that they are dealing with at the moment, they are dealing with depression. It's an illness/medical condition, it's not exactly a reflection on the person. I'm a tad socially inept, but one of the things I know, having dealt with depression and anxiety myself and being a neuroscience student - in addition to the obvious benefits because I'm dedicating my life to neuroscience research, it's great to be aware of the biological background behind such things to be able to help myself when I experience them which gives me an edge over the less aware people outside my field since I actually STUDY these things academically - is that it is an illness which can be exacerbated, not a reflection on yourself.)

Treat her like you'd treat someone who didn't have it. Be aware, but don't make a gigantic deal of it.
posted by kldickson at 8:40 AM on February 7

Another vote for letting it slide unless your behavior was poor (which it doesn't sound like). Back in the day, I managed catering and concessions at a major university, and from time to time, we would need a lot of extra workers. One time I asked a guy to do a task, and he responded with a "Fuck, you !" I reacted with ignorance, and fired him on the spot. I found out later he had TS. In that case, I DID seek him out to apologize, and I even found a gig for him that he could do without having to deal with the public...which stressed him out. He turned out to be a great employee, and we hired him full time.
posted by lobstah at 8:44 AM on February 7

I'm a fan of baked goods. Most people are. I say drop off a tin of brownies, with a note like 'Hey I'm Slap*Happy, I wanted to introduce myself. I was wondering if you have any tidbits about secret gems in the neighborhood, like a great dry cleaner, favorite restaurant, etc. Any suggestions?'
Ignore the behavior, treat her like you would anyone else, be friendly. Plus: tasty treats.
posted by 8dot3 at 8:51 AM on February 7

i think a little note saying very simply, "hi, i'm sorry about last night. thank you for being patient with me last night, and now that i understand what's going on, i just want you to know that it won't happen again and you don't have to worry about it bothering us. best, your neighbor."
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:51 AM on February 7

Nthing Cool Papa Bell's suggestion that the woman may have schizophrenia.

Because you don't know yet whether she is afflicted with Tourette's, schizophrenia, or something else (etc., brain damage, drug/alcohol impairment), it may be best not to acknowledge the outbursts. By remaining friendly yet aloof, you'll be showing the woman that you are not upset by her outbursts.

If the woman has paranoid schizophrenia, and you were to leave a note or otherwise attempt to interact with her, you could end up frightening her and exacerbating the situation, for she may come to regard you as potentially threatening, as someone who may be watching or controlling her.

In this case, the course of least action and most acceptance is best. Be non-invasive until you have more information about her physical and mental health conditions.
posted by terranova at 9:07 AM on February 7 [1 favorite]

Without detracting from the seriousness of TS, I just wanted to let the OP know that it could be worse: a few of my neighbors engage in this sort of behavior all of the time without a medical condition to excuse it. Seriously. It's sweet that you want to make amends and so forth but I agree with those here who suspect that trying to engage overtly on the topic any further might make things worse.
posted by joe lisboa at 10:53 AM on February 7