Overwhelmed Virgins!

February 3, 2009 2:57 PM

Help two virgins make an educated decision about safe sex! (Condoms? Lubes? Spermicide?!)

My girlfriend and I are ready to have have sex. However, we both are still virgins. She does not want to go on the Pill right now(or other hormonal methods) so I suppose we are limited to using only condoms. It seems that the amount of choice out there is just so overwhelming, can anyone offer some advice or recommendations for our situation?
Specifically we are looking to know which kind of condom we should use(Trojan ENZ or something from Durex seem to be our top choices)? Should we get a condom that has spermicide? And if you think we should use lube in addition to the lube that is on the condom, what type should we be looking at? (we know to get a water based lube, of course)

The more we know, the better. We both want to be as responsible as we can be and we definitely don't want any pregnancy accidents.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (53 comments total)

Trojans and Durex are generally awful; if neither one of you has a latex allergy then go for Crown Skinless Skin Condoms.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 3:01 PM on February 3

I would get a tube of spermicide alone. Put it on your skin (both of you) to see if either are allergic to it--I am, and so are a fair number of other people I know.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:04 PM on February 3

You know, a lot of this is just going to have to come with experience. Your first time may not be perfect though it sounds like you are doing everything possible to be prepared (good for you!). But everyone has their own preferences as to condoms and you will too. So get a few kinds and have fun trying them out. As for the spermicide, it's kind of up to you both if you want that extra level of protection but be aware that some women find the spermicide to be irritating. It can't hurt to have some extra lube on hand, in case you find that you need it but I wouldn't go all gung-ho on the lube unless things don't seem to be working out on their own. In all likelihood, you guys won't need it for your standard issue PIV sex, unless your gf is super nervous in which case she might not self-lubricate all that well.

Lube is also something people have strong preferences on but Liquid Silk is often given great reviews.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 3:10 PM on February 3

I'd like to direct you here. It should give you the answers to your questions, and then some.
posted by 6:1 at 3:20 PM on February 3

If you can, it's a great idea to pick up a condom variety pack just to give you an idea of what might float your boat. There's kind of a crazy variety of features out there, but they all do the same thing, so it's really just a question of preference.

It's not a bad idea for you to practice putting one on by yourself before you get into an intense and potentially fumbly and frustrating situation. Whatever you choose, just remember to put it on right away. Especially when you're new to the whole condom application thing, it might seem like a weird pause in the action that you'll want to avoid. But, alas, the precum has sperm in it, so when the pants come off, the condom should go one, so to speak.

I've also got to give a big thumbs down to spermicide. I, and many other women I know, find it very, very irritating. When I first started having sex, I was baffled by the red itchies I tended to have afterward until I finally figured out that it was spermicide that caused it.

Finally, and this is just my personal new to sex ax to grind, don't be averse to picking up a vibrator if your girlfriend has trouble coming to orgasm. I knew so many young women who felt like something was wrong with them because they just couldn't come during vaginal intercourse. One of my very best friends spend a lot of wasted years having frustrating sex until she finally got over being embarrassed and got a little bullet vibe. So that's just something to file away in the back of your mind.

Regardless, congratulations on your commitment to safer sex!
posted by mostlymartha at 3:29 PM on February 3

Also, this is a great and very popular website with just piles of information about your body, her body, and all the stuff you can get up to with them. Here's their general birth control guide and here's their condom basics.
posted by mostlymartha at 3:32 PM on February 3

Durex is a good choice of the supermarket/drugstore brands. Many people prefer Kimono. The lube on the condom is generally enough to get it on the penis without the condom breaking -- both of you will most likely have a better experience with some extra lube. The spermicide on a "spermicidal condom" isn't enough to do much of anything, and many people are allergic to or irritated by spermicide, which isn't any fun. Using a condom correctly (put it on when hard, pinch the tip, make sure it stays in place, withdraw immediately while holding onto the base of the condom) is really your best bet in this situation.

You might like to peruse Scarleteen for answers to this and more.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:33 PM on February 3

Spermicide burns and gives me terrible urinary tract infections. I've had at least three friends that I've informed about the horrors of spermicide after hearing them complain about their UTI's, and all of them reported that the UTI's stopped once they switched to non-spermicidal condoms. You can give spermicide a try, I guess, once you have a little more experience, but the first time having sex can be strange enough without having a painful physical reaction to deal with. The stuff is poison as far as I'm concerned, but if you aren't allergic to it then I suppose that the extra protection would be nice.

On a less serious note, don't otherwise worry to much about the condom. Most people I know lost their virginity with the free Lifestyles condoms that they got from the local health clinic, so you are already a step ahead if you are purchasing something from an actual store. Buy some lube, maybe get a variety pack of different condoms, have fun, and try not to sweat the details too much. You have the rest of your sexual lives to figure out your preferences on things like lube brands and whatever gimmicky condom is on the market this month. Just get some protection and then focus on the fun part.
posted by gatorae at 3:36 PM on February 3

The advice above is great, just wanted to mention that, A. getting a big pack of a variety of condoms can be fun because you get to play around, see which ones you like AND have lots of sex, and B. Valentine's Day is coming up. What about something specially made for the season? Drop by your local CVS and see if there's some rose-scented something or other. Why not?
posted by big open mouth at 3:48 PM on February 3

I hope you crazy kids are 18 or we're all going to jail. Here is some really basic stuff not mentioned so far.

Be suuuuper considerate and nice afterwards, even though you will feel like eating a huge snack and conking out.
posted by mecran01 at 4:09 PM on February 3

lots of overthinking this from other commenters IMHO.

you have the important part down: getting some condoms. so now that you've got that one out of the way, loosen up. this is sex we're talking about, everyone has a different manual. have fun, try things out, make a total fool out of yourselves, laugh it off, do it another way, be happy.
posted by krautland at 4:21 PM on February 3

...we're all going to jail.

it's the world wide web. the u.s. justice system and its fucked-up laws can currently kiss my german ass.
posted by krautland at 4:22 PM on February 3 [6 favorites has favorites]

2nd+ing the fact that spermicide can increase risk of UTIs and can cause irritation. Everything else seems to be covered.
posted by fructose at 4:26 PM on February 3

Don't buy Trojans ever. They're like wrapping your cock with a plastic bag. I'd second Durex if your buying at a drug store.

Also, nothing personal because I don't know you, but good virgin advice is to eat her out until she comes before you have sex. That way she won't be so bummed when you splooge ten seconds after penetration.
posted by Dr. Send at 4:27 PM on February 3

fwiw - some girls (like me) have reactions to lube. some say it's the sugar in most lubes. it's said that slippery kitty is the only one approved by a doctor for women. furthermore, i don't find sex more enjoyable with lube. in general i find it far less enjoyable unless it's the rare occasion where i can't produce enough lubricant on my own.
posted by nadawi at 4:27 PM on February 3

kudos again for being gung-ho and safe! Not to mention communicating with your partner- very important!

if you're going with durex, I've found Durex 'Love' to be pretty good. Low to no latex smell, quite thin and well shaped.

I've been using a brand called 'One' lately, and it is excellent- if you can find that one (it's in a metal tin), give it a whirl.

Outside of drugstore brands, the Crown skinless skins are widely acknowledged to be the 'best'. the Good Vibrations site has a good selection of the best condoms, and reviews as well....in addition to some other fun stuff, for later.

definitely nthing the 'variety pack' suggestions, and the copious experimentation- have fun with it!

I think the most valuable advice given to me, and the nicest thing my first partner did, was LOTS of foreplay. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay.

Happy (safe) sexing!
posted by miss_scarlett at 4:31 PM on February 3

Spermicidal condoms are a joke; there's not enough spermicide to be effective and a lot of people react to spermicide. If you still want to use it, buy it separately.

I always recommend Durex and their Love brand (red box) thanks to extra lube and more room, but it's hard to find in stores.

If your birth control fails, you have an option. Know about the morning after pill called Plan B. In the US, if you are 18 you can get it from the pharmacist without a prescription, otherwise you will need a prescription. The sooner the better: you have 72 hours. Despite what those who want to oppress women say, it is not the abortion pill, it's just birth-control pills. (Sorry, just ticked that a pro-life site beats real info when Googling "morning after pill.")
posted by ALongDecember at 4:40 PM on February 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Condom variety pack was a great idea. Don't get hung up on trying to get the "right" ones yet. You should try many kinds, you'll find your own personal favorite... but really they're not all that different. Some generic drugstore lubricant might be nice to have handy, but you won't know if you will ever need it until later, and the odds are high you won't need it at all. Spermicide is probably overkill, pardon the pun, though it certainly does increase the pregnancy-killing odds for you.

And contra martha (sorry, martha), there's a long, long road of sexual adventure in between "orgasm through intercourse" and "buy a vibrator". You have many other options, methods and body parts you can deploy and exhaust long before resorting to battery-powered assistance.

And on that note, as general make-it-a-better-experience advice: foreplay. Hours and hours and hours of foreplay, until you are both ready to melt.

You'll thank me later.
posted by rokusan at 4:47 PM on February 3

And as some above say: you're overthinking this (welcome to MeFi!). Any condom will do. Good/successful sex is mostly about how much your own brains are into it.
posted by rokusan at 4:48 PM on February 3

Go to a sex shop. They'll usually have single condoms from a variety of brands. Check the expiration dates. Then go buck nuts, man. Maybe stick with a Trojan or something common for the first round, but do set aside a weekend soon to try as many as possible.

(For me, Durex feel like vinyl siding.)
posted by klangklangston at 4:53 PM on February 3

+1 to variety packs and trying them on.

Get one that includes larger condoms and ones with more room at the tip, to see if they fit you better than standard rubbers.
posted by CKmtl at 4:53 PM on February 3

Nthing the "spermicide is horrible" comments. I've had crazy bad reactions to it. I would test with it (both partners) before using it for my first sexual encounter.

I liked LifeStyles SKYN Condoms and my husband really liked the Crown condoms listed above. Both of those felt like you were actually having sex with a person, and not a wrapped salami. As a woman, I disliked thick condoms like Trojans.


But really, the most important thing, after taking basic precautions...and good on you for thinking it through...is to have fun. Don't get all freaked out or worried or stressed. Laugh, have fun, enjoy each other.
posted by dejah420 at 5:03 PM on February 3

First:

I would get a tube of spermicide alone.

This person was suggesting this as a test for allergies, but I wanted to make sure you didn't interpret this to mean "have sex with a tube of spermicide alone." That would be a very bad idea.

Second:

In keeping with the advice given by Dr. Send above, it wouldn't hurt for you to masturbate earlier in the day, just to take the urgency and edge off -- you'll be much more relaxed about the whole thing that way, and at your age you will have an abundancy of urgency and edge. Heh.
posted by davejay at 5:05 PM on February 3

Dr. Send has good advice above about the foreplay. It'll also help on the lubrication side.

One thing I'm surprised nobody mentioned is that you should try putting on a condom and masturbating with it. No kidding, it will get you accustomed to the feeling, which can be quite surprisingly different. Also, be prepared to try different varieties of condoms (brands and styles) -- some are more uncomfortable than others, which can make it difficult to stay hard.

Finally, do know that you will be nervous, and may come too quickly or become flaccid before the good times really get rolling -- take it in stride, laugh about it, and go back to the foreplay for a bit. Don't stress out about it. It's her first time too, so you don't have to worry too hard about impressing her (yet!).
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:06 PM on February 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

First and foremost, sex is supposed to be fun. Keep your sense of humour, admit to being nervous, tell the truth, talk a lot before and after (and possibly during, depending), know that it gets better with time and practice (like anything else) and again, have FUN.

On the practical side, the advice above about practicing the use of a condom is a really good idea. Condom failure rates are significantly higher in new users - so get to know the condom, how to get the package open, how to put it on AND how to take it off without spilling the contents everywhere.

Use brand-name condoms. Check the expiration date before you buy them and before you use them. Variety packs are always a good idea, at first, 'til you find something you both like.

Lube is never a bad thing to have on hand even if you don't use it the first time (or tenth). Definitely water-based or specifically noted to be safe for use with latex condoms (assuming you're using latex-based condoms, I mean). Yes, she'll likely make her own lubrication to some extent with foreplay, but nervousness can dry that up pretty quickly and make her feel totally self-conscious at a time when she wants to be relaxed. There are organic lubes out there and many without sugars or other irritants and it's not a bad idea to look into them!

The first few times may be amazing, they may suck, but practice makes perfect and leads to some fabulous adventures.
posted by VioletU at 5:30 PM on February 3

I have no idea where this anti-Trojan sentiment is coming from. They have some varieties that are actually pretty great, for a drugstore brand. That said, I'm partial to Inspirals.

Congrats on thinking about this, you're a step ahead with that. But, you're over thinking this.
posted by piedmont at 5:30 PM on February 3

Let me give you a piece of personal advice. For a while, my, uh, friend couldn't get it up with a condom on. He would become tumescent, and then the condom would be put on and he would lose his joie de vivre partially if not completely. If this sounds familiar, fear not, you simply need a larger size of condom. The condom can constrict blood flow to your organ and make you lose your erection if it is too small. Similarly, make sure that your condom is not too large. I've read that the "regular size" is directed towards men slightly smaller than average because few men would be willing to admit that they need the "snug fit" or whatever euphemism they are using these days.

Also, make sure you figure out your size before you actually have sex, because a too-small or -large condom can easily either slip off or tear.
posted by Electrius at 5:45 PM on February 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just want to highlight what a long december said above about Plan B, also known as the "morning after pill." You can buy a dose ahead of time so that you will definitely have it on hand just in case a condom breaks.
posted by Orinda at 5:47 PM on February 3

1. Off topic. Consider getting married. If it seems right, get married first. If you feel it, just tell her you want to get married, no need to ask (in my opinion).

2. If you are scared and want to appear macho, get yourself a bunch of different kinds of condoms and try them on to see what you like and how to get them on and off on your own. If you're not self-conscious, do this with your partner.

3. I've never been a fan of bottled lube. "God" "created" saliva for a reason - it's natural lube. Of course, it's lube for the digestive canal, but works great anywhere.

4. Sorry this is a little off-topic so go ahead and ignore; but I can't resist. With two virgins, it is pretty likely this is not going to be a one-night deal; more of a week-long process. What lucky duckies you are!

5. Have fun!
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 5:48 PM on February 3

A few of my lovers have found that the foreskin sometimes chafes with the condom on... a good suggestion (maybe not for your first time) is to put a drop of lube into the condom's reservoir tip. It helps you feel more with the condom on, too.
posted by lizbunny at 6:44 PM on February 3

In my experience, using a Durex condom is like strapping on a bicycle inner-tube. NO BUENO!
posted by captainsohler at 6:46 PM on February 3

uh, please don't get married because you want to have sex.
posted by nadawi at 6:48 PM on February 3 [19 favorites has favorites]

The only thing I haven't seen other people bring up is:

If you (or just she) are people who won't consider abortion in the case of accidental pregnancy, and if pregnancy would be a disaster for your lives right now, then you should think VERY HARD about combining multiple methods of birth control. As in, condoms plus diaphragm, condoms plus sponge, etc.

I expect that if you were to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic and talk about exactly how much you need to avoid pregnancy, they can help you sort through options. And I don't mean that as a joke or to snark -- for some people, at some points in their lives, an accidental pregnancy is a life-ruining disaster, for other people at other points it's inconvenient enough to avoid, but otherwise just interesting.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:51 PM on February 3

Please do not listen to anyone who tells you that saliva is a substitute for lube. If you or she need extra lubrication and you try to replace it with saliva, she will end up in pain. It's highly likely that you won't need lube, but if you do need it, go out and buy some. Don't rely on saliva, which is not made for this purpose and is nowhere near adequate for the job.
posted by decathecting at 7:12 PM on February 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

1. Off topic. Consider getting married. If it seems right, get married first. If you feel it, just tell her you want to get married, no need to ask (in my opinion).

Worst. Advice. Ever.
posted by T.D. Strange at 7:12 PM on February 3 [15 favorites has favorites]

Vaginal Contraceptive Films (VCF) are excellent to use with condoms as a backup. They aren't messy at all; it looks and feels a little like a Listerine breath strip...you'll never notice once it melts.

Fortunately, I had a VCF in when a condom broke, and was completely fine. Of course, I took a morning after pill just in case, but still. Which reminds me, it's not a bad idea to have a set of those around too. Trust me, running around to clinics and pharmacies is the last thing you want to do after an accident.
posted by aquafortis at 7:25 PM on February 3

Condoms, Lube, Spermicide? You two do make me almost blush.

If you are truly virgins, why are you doing anything other than pregnancy prevention?

Don't want to take the pill? Can't blame you. It makes us females fat and weird of temper. All we end up with is the lowly, lonely 86% effective rate (last time I checked) diaphram (sp?) you know, the thing you sing with.

Eschew those condoms, please. If you really and truly are "virgins". Have the real thing from the get go.

You have the luxury of throwing caution to the wind.

It is what I would wish for my children, should any ever find themselves in such a bind.
posted by emhutchinson at 7:31 PM on February 3

If you are truly virgins, why are you doing anything other than pregnancy prevention?

I'm flummoxed by this advice. utterly. Condoms and spermicide are for pregnancy prevention. And lube helps condoms work better by protecting against friction/breakage. But maybe I'm totally misreading tone here.

OP, I sense that you already know this, but protected sex is the real thing. Hope you have fun having it!
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:50 PM on February 3 [1 favorite has favorites]

When I was in high school, the running joke was that "Lifestyles condoms will give you a new lifestyle - that of a parent!"

Everybody supposedly knew someone else who had had one break.
posted by mrbill at 7:55 PM on February 3

Yeah, ROU up there makes an EXCELLENT POINT.

Before I have sex with ANYONE, I have to have the abortion talk. Now, it's not foolproof, but I need that peace of mind. In fact, my mother always told me, "Don't ever have sex with a girl who's not pro-choice."
posted by klangklangston at 8:11 PM on February 3 [2 favorites has favorites]

Eschew those condoms, please. If you really and truly are "virgins". Have the real thing from the get go.

emhutchinson, what do you mean here? I am confused as to why you'd tell them to not use condoms.

OP: Add me to the chorus of those recommending a variety pack of condoms. Also, foreplay is important. If things work out with the foreplay, you may not even need the lube. :)
posted by chiababe at 9:06 PM on February 3

Eschew those condoms, please. If you really and truly are "virgins". Have the real thing from the get go.

Is it too much to call this the worst advice in the history of the green?
posted by piedmont at 9:10 PM on February 3 [10 favorites has favorites]

A great website who send great products discreetly is Toys in Babeland. I cannot recommend them highly enough. Product reviews, advice and lots of products that you won't find in a grocery store pharmacy. The have a condom sampler and they also sell many condoms individual so you can try lots of different kinds of condoms without committing.

Defiantly try using condoms on your own before stressing out about using it during sex for the first time. Also, make it clear that sex is not required. Both of you should feel no pressure to have sex on a set timeframe. Once you are prepared (condoms in stock, etc) then let it happen naturally.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:14 PM on February 3

Also, think of something to say afterward other than "oops".

And relax and have fun! With condoms.
posted by crossoverman at 10:18 PM on February 3

Without wanting to come across as "that guy," umm...

If you're perhaps larger-sized than the average penis, do not hesitate to buy the larger condoms, and the lube will be a good idea in all likelihood as well. It may well be difficult going as far as penetration goes the first time - thankfully for you, being a virgin, you're unlikely to lose your erection too quickly, but it can happen due to the nerves surrounding the whole thing. Make sure you've tried on different sizes of condom beforehand, so if it feels like one is choking your dick, you know that you need to go larger. As soon as you're feeling "rock hard" and you both know that you're ready (you should have eaten her out and all other sorts of foreplay for quite a while by this point) pinch the tip, roll on, lube up this first time just for safety's sake, and take the plunge.

You'll need to pay attention to her facial expressions and noises during this point, which sounds easier than it is considering that your lizard-brain may well be screaming "VICTORY" over all of your higher reasoning, but there it is. This will probably hurt for her, and she may find herself wondering if there's something wrong with her that it doesn't feel as good as she thought it was supposed to. Know that it's your duty to stop if it looks like things aren't going to end with a bang, and that you shouldn't keep going just because you want to come.

If nothing else, remember this: most people's first time sucks. That's okay, because you get a second time, and a third, and so on. The first aircraft flight ended in a crash after twelve seconds - can you do better than that? The important thing is to have fun with the times ahead, when y'all work out what works for the two of you. Research and experiment and, hell, buy the vibrator, if only because all women should probably own one anyway. Know that there's nothing wrong with YOU THE GUY if it isn't amazing the first time either. It took years for me to be able to come during sex before I figured out what the issue was, and the "splooge after ten seconds" thing, while not baseless, is still a stereotype. It can run both ways.

Avoid the spermicide for all the reasons mentioned above. If your girlfriend ever does decide to go on the pill, she should know that different prescriptions affect women differently, and that one might be problematic while another might be perfect for her. Cuddle before, during, and afterwards, and generally don't be an asshole to her. It sounds like you're on the right track, and I wish you both the best of luck.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:51 PM on February 3

A non hormonal method consider is the IUD. It does have some side effects (a lot of women get heavier periods). It's super effective. You never have to think about it. It's very reasonably priced, and the American version lasts for 12 years (can be taken out any time).
posted by Salamandrous at 3:16 AM on February 4

Chiming in on the "lube is good" advice. Ms. Explosion and I no longer use condoms due to birth control methods and having been together for over 4 years, but lube is still very handy. A woman's lubrication doesn't just turn on like a faucet, and sometimes you just need a little more. It's nothing to be ashamed of or worried about. We use "Liquid Silk" and it's pretty great.

Also, I know you're both virgins, but get tested anyway. It's pretty cheap, and there is the possibility that one of you has an STI despite not being sexually active. They can be transmitted other ways too.
posted by explosion at 4:53 AM on February 4

Advice: NEVER TAKE SEX ADVICE FROM A PRO-LIFE RETARD.
posted by kldickson at 5:18 AM on February 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

This will probably hurt for her, and she may find herself wondering if there's something wrong with her that it doesn't feel as good as she thought it was supposed to.

This. And, also, if she still has an intact hymen, repeat sex may be somewhat painful/uncomfortable for her for a couple of days. Don't sweat this. For a lot of women it takes a few ... encounters? ... to get everything working as it should. Just be very attentive to her, and please do try to find a way to bring her to orgasm before the penetration.

Also, don't freak out if there's blood.
posted by anastasiav at 5:47 AM on February 4

you are over-thinking it too much. it just doesn't matter that much - particularly the first few times.
posted by mary8nne at 6:38 AM on February 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Get used to the idea that you should ALWAYS use a condom. Even if you have another type of birth control. If you don't want to have babies, take the precautions necessary.

On a more fun note, remember to have more than 1 condom when your planning alone time, you are young and it will probably come in handy!
posted by Gor-ella at 9:53 AM on February 4

In fact, my mother always told me, "Don't ever have sex with a girl who's not pro-choice."

Not only am I seconding that, but klangklangston? I would like to send your mother some flowers, the kind with the balloons that say: Coolest. Mom. Ever.
posted by rokusan at 1:29 AM on February 6

I'm just copying my own advice over from another thread, but:

Best condoms I've found: Crown or Kimono. Both are high-quality, and don't smell or taste strongly of latex. Best lube (by a mile): Sliquid H2O. No smell, no taste, completely non-irritating, and lasts a long time. Eventually you'll probably want to try lots of lubes and see what she likes best, but this one's a much better starter than Astroglide (which stings!) or KY.

In the short-term, though, anything basic should work; any of the standard drugstore brands of condoms or (non-oil-based) lubes will work.

DEFINITELY have lube handy. Condom sex without lube hurts for a lot of girls, but if you don't end up needing it, what, you're out five or ten bucks. Lubricated condoms do not count as lube. Oh, and for chrissakes, no spermicide.
posted by you're a kitty! at 4:59 PM on February 6