Can we talk? No wait it's not like that.
January 13, 2009 12:21 PM Subscribe
Omnibus Relationship Question: Getting married, and can't wait, but have numerous small issues I want to resolve.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
We're planning on getting married this year, after being together for a few years. I love her, and look forward to spending my life with her. But, there are issues I'd love to work on, but don't really know how to start.
She has low-self esteem, and really beats herself when she feels she's messed up even over tiny things. This is the main reason I'm asking the hivemind for help, because I don't feel I can go to her in my ham-handed way and lay out my concerns without her feeling worse. She's amazing, sweet, creative and caring, but she doesn't see it, and lets a lot of opportunity pass her by because she doesn't feel good enough for it. Or she begins to have successes, and then lets the momentum drop because she doesn't believe her successes are anything but flukes. I'm always positive about her work, and upbeat about her chances but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
This leads, in a way, to the second problem. I have a good job (knock on wood), and we are scraping by, financially. When she was a single mom, she had incentive to make enough money to make ends meet. Now she doesn't need to make as much, and has consequently fallen into wasting a lot time online and working a lot less. This has strained our finances, and meant that a lot of the things we wanted to do (take a vacation, and fix our house) had to go on hold. It's stressing me out, and I don't know what it would be like if I were to lose my job. For the record, I'm no saint with money, and we are living paycheck to paycheck.
She has two awesome kids, but she does everything for them, and expects almost nothing in return. Luckily, they aren't rotten, they just have no idea how to do almost anything for themselves. I get the feeling her mom wasn't really there for her, so maybe this is her overcompensating with her own kids? I've lightly discussed this with her in the past, and it usually leads to her concluding that she's a terrible mother. But even that doesn't change the habit of doing everything for them.
Last, I'm worried about our long-term health. We are both sedentary by nature, and over the last year we have started gaining some weight. I really want to find ways for us to get more exercise beyond the "Yes! Let's get more exercise" agreement that we both ignore. Suggestions to how you went from couch potato to outdoor enthusiast heartily welcome!
Beyond these specific issues, I'd love to feel like we can be open and honest, even if it means criticism, with each other. I know I'm far from perfect and would love to know from her how I could improve, and be a better (future) husband for her. But I fear trying to talk about this stuff will just worsen her self-esteem issues.