Be my Emily Post!

January 5, 2009 10:15 AM

How to apologize for a non-r.s.v.p.?

My uncle every year has a 200+ person cocktail Christmas party that is mainly for schmoozing the clients of his partner who owns a PR firm, but he invites some other friends as well. Ever since I moved to NYC, I have been invited. This year I received the invite, but forgot to rsvp that I wasn't coming. I didn't think much of it and just sent him a note in my Christmas card that I was sorry to miss the event. Now this weekend I heard through another family member that he is angry at me, and didn't invite me to an intimate casual New Years eve celebration with another family member as a result.

I would like to mend the rift, but I am not sure how to apologize. Personally I think he is being a bit petty. In the past I have got in trouble over not sending thank your cards when he treats me to dinner. I now send a thank you for everything! (Other family members have be chastised for canceling by e-mail rather than by phoning.) I have tried to become very diligent about being courteous, but I am still learning. My parents were not too clued into courtesy, so I feel like I am having to figure out the rules for myself.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I should just send an apology, or if I should explain my side of it. I waited on the rsvp, because I was only going to go if I had a cocktail party wing girl, who didn't let me know one way or another until the last minute. I also was dealing with graduate school finals and my first round of Ph.d. applications. I am 24, and honestly I don't get invited to too many formal events, so I just didn't know that you definitely had to rsvp 'no' as well. (Like in wedding invites it is very obvious with the check yes or no.)

I am his niece and I just kinda wished he would have given me some slack or at least contacted me directly that he was upset.

Anyway, I know I should apologize and mend the relationship. Could the hivemind give me some advice on what to say? Also how should I say that I learned my uncle was upset with me? I plan on sending a card. Should I do more? Have other people been in this position? Thanks for your help in advance!!!

posted by amileighs to human relations (21 comments total)

Could you call him on the phone? Maybe invite him out to brunch or something? I know it stinks to have someone mad at you, but in a strange way, it's kind of a compliment- he was that disappointed that you didn't come to his party. I wish I was that in demand as a guest!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:19 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]

send him a card apologizing for failing to RSVP, that with all the holiday distractions you must have overlooked it. tell him you missed both the party and the new year's eve party, and that you look forward to seeing him at the next family gathering. that is sufficient. if he continues to be a a jerk, that's his problem.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:21 AM on January 5

I think that you already did apologize, and to be honest, forgetting is not the end of the world. Sometimes when people are upset about social slights, it's more about them than it is about anything that you did wrong.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:21 AM on January 5

It seems a bit odd that he's irate at one seat in a 200+ party. I'm sure there were other guests who RSVPd and had last minute emergencies, for example. Thats the nature of these things.

That said, I dont know how I feel about the sentence "Now this weekend I heard through another family member that he is angry at me, and didn't invite me to an intimate casual New Years eve celebration with another family member as a result."

Acting on hearsay is the way to make things worse. Forget what you heard through the grapevine. But go have a talk with your uncle, in person is best or on the phone if thats not possible. Apologize that you neglected to RSVP to his party. The form of the apology is less important than that you do it at all.
posted by vacapinta at 10:27 AM on January 5

I waited on the rsvp, because I was only going to go if I had a cocktail party wing girl, who didn't let me know one way or another until the last minute.... I am 24, and honestly I don't get invited to too many formal events, so I just didn't know that you definitely had to rsvp 'no' as well. (Like in wedding invites it is very obvious with the check yes or no.)

General or rule: always rsvp as soon as you check your calendar(s) for events with formal invites. Don't keep someone hanging. The only time you get off is if the invitation says "regrets only" - in that case, you only RSVP if you can't come.

Your relative sounds a little bit extra formal, but he obviously travels in the kinds of circles where people keep track and these things matter, so if you value the relationship, you should play along. The thing about waiting for someone else to give you a yes or no before you decide to go is definitely a young-person sort of thing, and the kind of thing RSVPs are designed to prevent. The RSVP is an attempt to get your commitment; if you can't give it, send regrets -- don't keep your host hanging on the line while you sort through your black book or try to social-engineer the event or wait to see if you get a better offer. That's what's offensive to him. Don't mention these as excuses, because they don't sound like good excuses, they sound like communicating with him about his invitation to your event took a lower priority than your other concerns, which is not an impression you want to give someone who invites you to nice things.

Especially when you're doing cocktails for 200, and especially if it's open bar, the number of people matters. He may have been holding the spot for you, waiting for you to RSVP. And when you didn't he ended up with an extra spot he could have offered to someone else, but didn't, because he wasn't sure whether or not you were coming.

It's not a bad idea to learn this now. The thank you notes for dinner are important as well. Consider this training for later. I like TPS's idea of inviting him to brunch as your guest somewhere and just explaining that you didn't mean to hurt him and are still getting used to the social niceties of life in the adult world.
posted by Miko at 10:28 AM on January 5 [9 favorites]

My parents were not too clued into courtesy, so I feel like I am having to figure out the rules for myself.

Same with me.

I think a card with a nice note is just fine. Remember that an apology should be given excuse-free. Something like:

"Dear Uncle- I'm very sorry I didn't send back an rsvp for your party. It was very generous of you to invite me, and I dropped the ball by not replying. I've made it a goal of mine to be better at doing that, and intend to not let that sort of thing happen again. Happy New Year!"

(Also, for what its worth, I hate RSVPs, and even moreso how wound up people get about them. I get it for weddings and more formal events where the host needs to have an accurate headcount. But for many things, it's just not important, and wrecks the fun. When one hosts a party, it is a gift to the attendees. Gifts shouldn't have strings attached. But it's worse to compound the trouble by not replying when someone asks for it.)
posted by gjc at 10:32 AM on January 5

Call or visit and offer a sincere, straight-forward apology. Don't get bogged down in excuses or explanations. "I'm so sorry I didn't RSVP to your party. It was my mistake and I hope it didn't cause you too much trouble. I promise it won't happen again. I hope you're well and would love to see you soon!"

If he's still mad after that (to my mind, a breach of etiquette all it's own in this case) then yeah, that's his problem.
posted by juliplease at 10:32 AM on January 5

Miko nailed it right on the head.

Buy him lunch, apologize. Don't tell him you were waiting for a friend. Let him know you see the error of your ways and it will never happen again.

For some people formality is the bedrock of civilization.
posted by Bonzai at 10:38 AM on January 5

In the past I have got in trouble over not sending thank your cards when he treats me to dinner. I now send a thank you for everything! (Other family members have be chastised for canceling by e-mail rather than by phoning.)
He's actually breaching standard etiquette by pointing out other people's perceived lapse in manners. A person properly versed in etiquette would simply not pretend to notice the person at his dinner table cleaning his fingernails with the butter knife rather than call him out on his behavior.

In any case, I would not admit that you've heard of his disappointment with your non-RSVPing; I would simply send a friendly New Year's greeting card with a personal message saying something like as we try to being 2009 with a clean slate, you can't help but have a nagging feeling of guilt in the back of your mind for neglecting to respond to his invitation. You will make it one of your resolutions not to be so thoughtless in the future.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:38 AM on January 5 [4 favorites]

I am his niece and I just kinda wished he would have given me some slack or at least contacted me directly that he was upset.

I would consider calling him and apologizing, or writing a letter explaining the situation and apologizing. Either would be a much more personal gesture than a card, and I think a personal gesture is warranted since he's your uncle. Don't explain where you heard the news (gossip is rude, right?) but just tell him that you feel bad about it and wanted to apologize.

However, I do think his behavior in response is passive aggressive and not the best etiquette, either. Also, a thank you note isn't required for dinner. He's being overly prickly about that.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:40 AM on January 5

Call him and apologize. Explain just as you have done here. He would have to be rather petty to continue being angry with you after that.
posted by xammerboy at 10:43 AM on January 5

Also, a thank you note isn't required for dinner. He's being overly prickly about that.

I'd be really careful about referring to generic guides. Real life and real social groups are too complicated, and we don't all agree on the set of behaviors. So it may not be "required" according to some random etiquette consultant, but I'm here to tell you that it is never a bad idea to send a note of thanks - even by email - when someone treats you to dinner. And some people do notice when you don't. Just a quick "enjoyed that so much, thank you!" can make all the difference. It will never be perceived as a slight if you DO send a note, but might if you don't.

Whether or not the uncle's manners are bad (I agree they are in letting a third party relay his vexation to you) is immaterial. We all have to do our own part to be seen as well-mannered. What matters is to follow the example of those whose company you're cultivating. When in doubt, communicate (thank you! no, thank you.)

The degree of planning that goes into a big "do" like cocktails for 200 does mean you can't throw open the door and just not have RSVPs. They are requested for a reason, and a party of this magnitude has a bill that is probably not all that different from - maybe more expensive than - the bill for a wedding. I can completely understand his wanting to carefully manage the guest list. Is he a little persnickety? Probably, but you know that now, so you can work with it.
posted by Miko at 11:01 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]

He may be embarrassed that he was speaking highly of you, wanted to introduce you, etc. So you may have unknowingly trivialized his expectations. From what you've described, he may be wanting to bless you into his network. If the relationship is at all important to you, be highly respectful of formal elder professionals. In other words, don't blow him off as unreasonable, etc. Also, regarding this family member who says he's angry --perhaps this is true, perhaps not. Don't go by hearsay, don't get all tangled up in the details of what happened, who said what, etc. Just develop a mindful, respectful action and execute.

Here is what I would do...

Find some fancy paper and envelope and in your best handwriting tell him you are sorry to have missed the occasion, that you'd like to have lunch at his soonest convenience, and that among other things you'd like to discuss --or something that compliments his position.

You may not recognize the value of all this formal such and such now but trust me, especially in nyc it's ultimately really nice to be a part of all that.
posted by ezekieldas at 11:44 AM on January 5 [3 favorites]

I'd be really careful about referring to generic guides. Real life and real social groups are too complicated, and we don't all agree on the set of behaviors. So it may not be "required" according to some random etiquette consultant, but I'm here to tell you that it is never a bad idea to send a note of thanks - even by email - when someone treats you to dinner. And some people do notice when you don't. Just a quick "enjoyed that so much, thank you!" can make all the difference. It will never be perceived as a slight if you DO send a note, but might if you don't.

Right, but people who are acting gracious and polite don't take someone to task when there are lapses in etiquette, precisely because there are differing standards of politeness, because people come from different cultural or socioeconomic backgrounds and might be ignorant in what's considered polite by your standards. And according to the standards of many perfectly polite people, a thank you note would not be required for this--I think it's unfair that OP has been made to feel ignorant and uncultured, and it reflects bad manners on the part of her uncle.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:13 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]

Dear Uncle,

I am so sorry that I didn't RSVP for your cocktail party in December, and I hope I did not inconvenience you too much. I don't mean to offer excuses, but I found myself overcommitted with grad school finals and phd applications, and I accidentally let some important things in my personal life slip.

I really appreciate the invitation, and I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of showing my appreciation.

Love [or regards or whatever],
Niece

-------

Don't acknowledge what you heard from other family members. What you know for sure is that he's big on rsvp's and thank yous, so even if he isn't really mad he would appreciate a note from you.
posted by KAS at 1:19 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]

And yes, handwritten on a nice notecard/nice paper.
posted by KAS at 1:20 PM on January 5

Regardless, he is the one in the position to offer the invitation, so whether or not his manners are good is immaterial. The only person whose manners you're in control of is your own. It's never bad manners to send a note or RSVP early. I would be very wary of any advice suggesting you can be more casual in circles which are more formal. Unless you are very privileged, there will be consequences for that, even if people are far too discreet and well-mannered to ever tell you why.
posted by Miko at 1:21 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

In addition to ezekieldas's suggestion of the fancy paper and envelope, i'd consider sending a small apology gift, e.g. letter opener.
posted by arimathea at 1:43 PM on January 5

just explaining that you didn't mean to hurt him and are still getting used to the social niceties of life in the adult world.

I don't think you need to abase yourself to this degree unless you want to heap coals of fire on his head: After all, it's far more childish to hold a grudge based on one lapse, or to talk to or about others about their lack of manners, than it is to forget one RSVP. What you did is not a crime, and you've already expressed your regrets about missing the event, albeit after the fact.

Oriole Adams's suggestion strikes the perfect note, in my opinion, for an apology that doesn't make this into a bigger deal than it is (and also leaves the other relative out of it, which is a must). While maintaining happy relationships is valuable, you don't need to reinforce petty or judgmental attitudes. If your perception of the whole situation is accurate, then you are right that your uncle is being petty. If not, well, then you can hope he will be pleasantly surprised by your apology, and you can both move on happily from there.
posted by torticat at 1:52 PM on January 5

Handwritten note apologizing for the lack of RSVP. No excuses.

The "And it will never happen again..." advice that many posters have given seems a bit much. People make mistakes. It's worth apologizing for, but falling on your sword and promising never to do it again seems like it's going too far. Just apologize. Say you're sorry that you didn't send a formal note, especially since you wish you could have been there in the first place.

And if he's still peeved after receiving a formal apology, it's totally his problem.

BTW, Oriole Adams is totally right that it violates all the rules of etiquette to call someone out for not obeying the rules. Yes, the rules are totally strange and set up to inspire all sorts of passive-aggressive behavior, which is how we got Jane Austen.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:33 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]

I agree with those who suggest you call and apologize. Offer no excuse, just fall on your sword. You don't have to let on that you know he is angry, so don't worry about explaining where you heard that info. Good for you working your courtesy chops. The world can use all the courtesy it can get.
posted by Breav at 4:41 PM on January 5