How do I date, now that I'm sober?

October 29, 2008 7:19 PM

Now that I'm sober ... how the heck do I go about dating?

I'm male, late 20s, and sober for the first time in my adult life. It's been 6 months since I've had a drink. I feel amazing. I love my new lifestyle, and I think that I'm unlikely to fall off the wagon. I've been to AA a few times, but I'm not sure that it's for me. Honestly, going to the gym every day feels much more therapeutic.

Anyway ... in my past life, I had no problem with dating at all. I was smooth, confident, and I met a lot of people. Now I'm more of a homebody and MUCH less likely to make the first move. I've done some internet dating. That's nice because I get to click "I don't drink at all" on my profiles, and people usually know what they're getting into. Searching for women that don't drink at all doesn't usually turn up too many people in my small community.

Also, Dates themselves are just less exciting. There's no more bouncing from bar to bar and then twirling around in the street. That's the kind of excitement that I miss, and the kind of excitement that I feel like I owe to a potential partner. It's also sometimes hard for me to talk about my situation, and I worry that I'm often viewed as a bad gamble.

I've been ok with being at the bar with my friends, and seeing music, etc. In fact, I went on several great dates recently where we sat at the bar, watched baseball, and drank ginger ale. I don't even think about the booze being thrown around in front of me. Seriously, I don't even want it. I just want to feel like dating is normal again! It used to be so easy to "meet for drinks." Now trying to figure out what to do is so much weirder.

So I don't know how and where to meet people that will be sympathetic to my situation (except for the internet, which I haven't quite given up on yet). I also just don't feel "normal" on dates. Also ... sex, which used to come very naturally, is now terrifying.

I've never really had sex with someone new while not under the influence. It used to be easy for me to say, "hey, want to come over?" Now I stumble around and don't know what to do. Also, it's not quite as exciting. It's harder to lose myself while intimate, etc, etc.

Overall, I'm very hopeful about my situation. I feel so much more in control of my life, and I know that I'm doing the right thing. I have no doubt that I'll find my way through this, and I think that once I do finally connect with someone that it'll be MUCH more genuine than if I were still a drunk. I'm just having some growing pains getting there.

I'm mostly interested in hearing dating stories from people who have become sober, and have first-hand experience with this.

How do you maintain sobriety and feel normal about dating?

If you want to respond anonymously, or ask me any follow-up questions you can use: [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Give it 6 more months....

Seriously hate to be a dick but 6 months of sobriety is good, and you're off to a great start but you need a year before you start taking on diversions.
posted by Scientifik at 7:39 PM on October 29, 2008 [3 favorites]

Being sober is not an ususual situation. If anything, it puts you in way more control of a situation- especially when everyone else is drunk. You can make decisions clearer. You can drive. You can better decide if you would really like to have sex with her or not.

Also, as long as you are comfortable in drunken situations like a rager or a club or the neighborhood dive, I dont really see you having a problem being able to meet people.

If you have to steer clear of being near alcohol, think coffee shops. Hopefully you city or town is saturated with them.
posted by captainsohler at 7:39 PM on October 29, 2008

I think what you're experiencing is not that surprising. There's a reason people drink. Alcohol is a fairly effective social lubricant. Inhibitions are lowered, things don't need to make quite as much sense, and whether or not you or your date are all that interesting is less important, as with a good buzz going you really can't tell the difference anyways.

But if you aren't drinking, you actually have to deal with the situation and the people in it. This is, as you've found, a bit harder, but that doesn't make it any less rewarding. What you need, my friend, is to explore the dying art of conversation. It's totally worth it.
posted by valkyryn at 7:53 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

The most important thing is this: you don't need to apologize for anything. There's nothing wrong with being a non-drinker.
posted by Class Goat at 8:02 PM on October 29, 2008

Coffee dates, dude.

(Unless you run into someone like me who hates coffee, so pick a place that has something else to drink there as well.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:20 PM on October 29, 2008

I'm sure he's aware of the "coffee date" option - and I don't have any answers to your questions, which are more complicated than "where to go on a date?"
Whether or not AA is "for you" - this seems like the kind of area where a sponsor, with years of sobriety, could be really helpful. You might find in AA someone who can help you, in a really frank and useful way, to navigate sex and dating from your new perspective. Another (more expensive) option would be to work with an addiction counselor - they are (generally) recovering addicts themselves, and would be able to address your particular concerns.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:28 PM on October 29, 2008

Why are you limiting yourself to 'women who don't drink at all'? Many people enjoy the ease and comfort of taking a drink, having a glass of wine with dinner, etc and etc. Their normal isn't yours, maybe, perhaps they can have a glass of wine, or half of one, for fun, enjoyment, ease. You've stated that you don't have a problem being in situations where people are drinking, why not try to add dating to that?

You are the one learning to be comfortable in this scene and in this way. Let your date have her comfort as she'd like. Unless she's a jerk, it won't even register on her screen; it's your deal, not hers. And if it does make some big problem for her, that's good information for you to have -- you're sober now, and can collect information, and collate it, and utilize it, and like that.

And if she does ask why you're not drinking that night, you can tell her that you just cannot see yourself drinking when you're going to drive; you get to look like John Q. Citizen.

You can tell her that you're allergic to alcohol, or that you might be, and you're checking it out, doctors orders.

You can tell her that your allergies are kicking up, and you don't drink when that happens.

You can tell her your feet act strange when you drink, and take you into uncomfortable situations, though I don't think you'll want to mention that until a bit later on.

You can smile a secret smile, say "Nah, it's just not my deal" and now you're a mystery man.

You can tell her you think she's a real sweetie, that you want to remember every bit of your time together, that you'd perhaps not note nor remember that dimple she gets when she's amused, the light in her eyes when she's happy.

It's a shiny new world. Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 8:30 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Time! Whenever I'm in a new situation that is overwhelming and scary, I fail to remember that time makes things easier. I don't have any particular advice on how to make dating feel natural and exciting again, but I can share from my own experience that you need time to relearn this - just like you'd need time to learn any new skill.

Good luck, have fun, don't rush!
posted by serazin at 8:40 PM on October 29, 2008

There's nothing wrong with being a non-drinker.

In fact, for a lot of people, even folks who drink lightly themselves, a non-drinker would be a major commodity!
posted by serazin at 8:41 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just as alcohol does not seem to be the answer for you, there is no magic pill or answer to easing social situations without a drink. I think that time initself is not the answer, but rather experience. Keep trying. As you encounter situations for the second, third, fourth, etc time, you will know what works for you. As for specific alternatives to bars, I would go to a diner and have a milkshake. Nothing says relaxed like a big honking chocolate milkshake. Maybe on the third date you start to share each other's shakes. Other ideas would be more active dates such as bowling or hiking or walking the mall.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:08 PM on October 29, 2008

As far as the excitement goes, it's sort of involves relearning what you like and who you are too. Since you don't have the inhibition-lowering effects of the alcohol anymore. You're left with "you", and you may be shyer than before.

Try Meetup.com and pick something based upon a hobby or interest of yours (or something you've always wanted to learn more about), or go out and take a class of some sort. These are good icebreakers for friendship, interaction is expected, and there's no pressure. Plus, you'll enrich yourself in the process.

And nothing says you can't still go have dinner, then maybe go dancing at a little club afterward. Or if you need to bounce from place to place, try things like say seeing a movie, then popping over to a cafe for dinner, followed by an ice cream shop or bakery. It's only one suggestion, but think along those lines.

As far as "owing" that excitement to a partner, there are plenty of women who'd love a nice night at home on the couch watching a movie and eating a meal (myself included), or who'd love a museum trip, or a picnic. I'm merely speaking about my own experience, but a lot of us, especially as we get older, don't want to frequent the bars. I've never been a bar person myself though.

A good point was made regarding not limiting yourself to women who don't drink at all (and this is coming from a woman who has maybe one drink a year). I know that there are plenty who would be understanding, and if you can handle her drinking a bit in front of you, then that expands your selection.

You don't have to give her your whole history, just say you feel better when you don't drink. If things get serious, you can always expand later.

But really, congratulations on getting everything on track. It's a big accomplishment.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:46 PM on October 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well, I wouldn't suggest lying to a "potential partner" about your not-drinking. You might choose not to tell about AA and your whole life history on a first (or second, third) date, but it seems a bit, erm, wrong to actually fib to them about that you don't drink (sorry, dancestoblue!).

Yes: sex sober seems scary. But you know, it's actually 1000 times better once you get over it (and the, um, *sex* should probably help you forget about being freaked out after the first 5 minutes). You might find it is a lot harder to miss the drunken fumblings of your past once you stack up some memorable (literally: "I can remember") sexy times.

Excitement is what you bring to the table, and you just have to be more creative now that you're not a lazy drunk (no offense meant). Get interested in death-defying sports, performance art, or become a really great cook. All of these are features about you that the ladies can love.
posted by tamarack at 11:10 PM on October 29, 2008

I dated a guy who was sober when I was in college and not-sober.

The only thing that was a deal-breaker was that he was a smoker. The drinking had nothing to do with it.

A cool girl will care more about the way you look at her, have sex with her and treat her. Alcohol is nothing.

Meet a girl for the first time somewhere non-committal, like a museum or whatever. Then make her dinner.

If that's not enough to get comfortable and to know each other sans alcohol, I guess move on. I don't see the point in being with people who make you uncomfortable being yourself.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:32 PM on October 29, 2008

I think we've all been influenced by rom-coms and the like to expect adventure and novelty on every date, which puts enormous pressure on everyone - drinker or no. It just gets exhausting after a while. Lower your expectations about the "exciting" aspects of being on a date, and concentrate more on having a nice chat, a bit of a laugh and finding common ground with your date. I think most healthy, sane women would prefer that to bar-hopping, whether they drink or not. I know I would, anyway.
posted by hazyjane at 1:22 AM on October 30, 2008

Rather than focus on what you're not doing (drinking) and what's missing as a result (lowered inhibitions), see if you can change your focus to what you are doing (fitness) and what's been added as a result (healthy body & state of mind). Get involved in social activities that incorporate your new passion. Rock-climbing, cycling, hiking, tennis/squash, xc-skiing, etc. See if there's an outdoorsy or sports-related meetup near you, take a yoga class to balance your workouts with stretching, date a fitness instructor. You will meet all kinds of people who don't drink at all, or don't drink much, or who have never given drinking much thought one way or another.
posted by headnsouth at 4:59 AM on October 30, 2008

After a movie or play or whatever you plan to start the evening with, go some place for dessert, it will give you the change of scenery that keeps the night interesting and moving on from there back to your place or hers isn't such a big hurdle. Also a lot of women will be more comfortable knowing they won't have to engage in the 'stay sober enough not to do something regrettable but still have fun' balancing act.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:42 AM on October 30, 2008

maybe targeting older, emotionally mature women will make things easier for you too. eventually, getting wasted and twirling in the streets grows old but probably not until your late 20s, early 30s unless you've identified alcohol as an issue and gave it up cold turkey sooner like you. at that age sober activities, and yes, even sober sex (omg), seem more interesting. a new frontier, if you will. ;) good luck and congrats on the new lifestyle. you sound really happy.
posted by smallstatic at 7:44 AM on October 30, 2008

If you're ultimately hoping to find a partner, getting to know someone before sleeping with them isn't a bad idea. Yes, alcohol can lower inhibitions, but acting on impulse with impaired judgment isn't a great long-term strategy. For me, sex will probably be a lot better if there's trust and a mutual attraction that goes beyond the physical -- intellect, sense of humor, patience, etc. all factor into the equation for me. I'm also a fan of slightly kooky dates, such as going to a planetarium.
posted by woodway at 7:47 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm about four months sober. Against all general wisdom, I did jump back into dating pretty quickly, mainly because I met a wonderful guy who understood my troubles with alcohol (though he has none himself) and respected my work to remain sober. The honesty that comes from telling someone that you don't drink because you can't, not because you don't want to, is the kind of honesty that good relationships can easily be built on.

Along the lines of those honest moments, I've been very clear that my life is now lived one day at a time, and that every day I'm happy to wake up next to this wonderful man I'm dating, but that right now I'm not really capable of thinking in longer terms than that. That doesn't mean I'm less committed, just less capable.

I understand what you mean about having a hard time finding an appropriate date activity, but if you open up your concept of what could be fun and exciting, you'll see all sorts of fascinating opportunities around you. My guy and I had our first date by taking a walk to one of the cities major fountains with my dog. The walk was so enjoyable, we ended up walking around the city every night that week getting to know each other. Since then, we've done everything from take the train to NY for a broadway show to the opera to movies to staying home and reading classic greek plays and poetry to each other. We're both musicians, so a lot of the time, we stay home and perform music with each other also. A lot of what you choose to do will depend on your personality, and eventually you'll find someone else whose life adventure is similar to your own!

Good luck!
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:48 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]

There's no more bouncing from bar to bar and then twirling around in the street. That's the kind of excitement that I miss, and the kind of excitement that I feel like I owe to a potential partner.

The equation of this sort of thing with "excitement" is something that will wane as you get into new habits and new ways of doing things. There is a real thrill to careening around as you mention, but part of the thrill is the edginess that you're doing something a little unsafe and/or a little unwise. Not a big deal and yeah fun, but potential partners that don't share your drinking-to-excess with you will probably not also want or miss this sort of thing, but you may have to readjust your perspective of what you think is fun and/or what sort of things you think are entertaining to others.

I was sober -- like didn't want to go into a bar at all at first -- for many years and while I think it may be easier for women generally to meet people, I made some adjustments that meant that this didnt' kill my social life. Here are a few

- pool! coffee dates are great but if you want to sort of see what's up with people and maybe wrap it up with "let's go back to my place" late night activities are better sometimes. I played a lot of pool. My friends who drank could drink and my friends who didn't could go as well and there was a lot of casual socializing. One of the things about being sober is that you have to be a little more active about planning your time, it's not just "go out and start drinking and see what happens" this is great because it gives you more agency but also makes you realize how much that sort of thing was an activity that now needs a replacement activity
- meet people who do what you do. Go to the gym at night, make plans to hang out with people after being at the gym, train for a marathon and find other people who are doing that. Yay on you for not just cutting out something unhealthy but actively doing something healthy. And now you get to hang out with healthy people too, excellent. My thing was yoga (and I didnt' meet many people there, but I got to work on my meeting people skills which were sort of atrophied)
- have people over! If you're social and you like people, think about entertaining some if you're more of a homebody. Make dinner, have a few pizzas and have people over to watch the game. Tell your friends to bring a friend. If the goal is not to get sloppy drunk you can actully trust people to come to your house and not wreck the place, neat!

Things may go more slowly in your new sober environment, you may meet someone nice and get their info and then have to call/IM/email them to go hang out a second time. Generally speaking this is not a bad thing. If you want to take the edge off, there are other ways to do that that aren't drinking [and one of the reasons coffee dates can be a bad thing, who needs all those jitters?] including exercise.

Don't be afraid to tell people both that you're sober and as a result you're sort of new at this dating thing. Sobriety is not a disease and for a lot of people it's actually an appealing characteristic in a partner. I'm more of a casual drinker now [just had to undo a lot of bad college drinking and being sober for five years pretty much did it] and with my family history of alcohol abuse would be more likely to date someone who didn't drink at all than someone who drank regularly. It's easy to sort of go overboard once you've stopped drinking to try to control EVERYTHING in your life now that you've learned that you can control something -- and again good for you, that sort of thing is huge, especially at your age, you have a nice long life ahead of you that you'll be conscious for -- but you may also have to trust that if people liked you before not sober, they'll like you sober too, maybe even more. Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 7:54 AM on October 30, 2008 [4 favorites]

I first have to say CONGRATULATIONS for choosing to stop drinking. It's the bane of existance for too many twentysomethings, and the cause of too much pain / suffering for even more. Sobriety, as you've already heard, is a wonderful thing, and being in control never went out of style. To the lady, you can appear like the man who's got everything in control - the 'James Bond' type, if you will. Forget the whole 'shaken, not stirred' thing - the control and awareness you get far outweigh everything else.

Since I'm guessing you're looking for a lady that likes you for the right reasons (i.e. because you didn't buy her all the drinks on the first date) there's no reason to be around those that drink... or go to bars.... May I suggest dancing as a way to twirl her around the floor? While drunk you had no idea what you were doing, and could use it an as excuse... Now, you could simply say 'hey I'm a beginner' and blame it on the dance lessons you've been taking... I would suggest swing dancing (I'm biased, of course), but anything that gets you confident and up on the floor doing SOMETHING counts (salsa, swing, rumba, etc.)

Best of luck, and stay on the wagon!!
posted by chrisinseoul at 8:16 AM on October 30, 2008

nothing to add except congrats on being sober!
posted by Soulbee at 8:26 AM on October 30, 2008

"One of the things about being sober is that you have to be a little more active about planning your time" - jessamyn nails it again.

I think if your feeling a little shy or inhibited, you need to plan activities that take the focus off of you as a conversationalist / personality, and focus on you and your date as pool players, pumpkin carvers, book store wanderers, kick-boxers, etc. Just do stuff that whose primary focus is not you.

Stay away from the 'sit across a table from each other' thing and you will do just fine.
posted by jasondigitized at 9:27 AM on October 30, 2008 [1 favorite]