UnrequitedLoveFilter: How do I stop the negative self-talk?
October 21, 2008 9:23 AM Subscribe
UnrequitedLoveFilter: How do I stop the "If only I had done..." negative self-talk?
posted by airguitar2 to Human Relations (21 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
Long story short: Earlier this fall, I met a man I thought was absolutely phenomenal: intellectually engaging, a good listener, funny, a fascinating thinker, and cute, too (bonus!). He told me he was shy, and I took this as a signal that I could initiate a bit more than I usually would. So I asked him out, and he responded enthusiastically-- flirty emails, excited to get together, etc. In the meantime, I really fell for the guy.
As we continued to hang out, though, his ardor seemed to cool, and he recently told me he saw us as "just friends." And I can't shake the feeling that I somehow caused it, or "scared him away" by being too forward/ enthusiastic. I'll think "If only I hadn't called him" or "If only I had seemed a little more cool and aloof"-- "If only I hadn't talked about x,y,z," etc. I'd love any advice about how to stop this (likely futile) line of thinking. Anyone else been in a similar situation-- and it all turned out okay? :)
Other possibly relevant details:
-He's six years younger (he's mid-20s; I'm early 30s).
-I date a fair amount, but DANG, I thought this guy was really special. I don't meet people I find this compelling that often, and I can't seem to shake thinking about him.
-Strangely, it'd be easier to handle if I knew he just didn't dig some essential quality in me, but I keep thinking that since he seemed psyched in the beginning, it must have been my *behavior* that shooed him away-- and that I therefore could have prevented the crash and burn.
-When I *am* interested in someone, I find it hard to hide my feelings. If there's something to learn from this, maybe it's that I should be a little more circumspect in the future?
Thanks so much. It has actually been very helpful just to write about this.