Is it a good idea to ask how my date sees things going forward?
March 17, 2021 2:01 AM Subscribe
I've been on two wonderful dates with a person who I really enjoy the company of, and we have another date planned for the end of this week, by which time (for context) it will have been a little over a fortnight since we met. I would like to ask how my date is feeling about dating me and where they see things going. However, being an anxious person, I can't tell whether this is a legitimate thing to want to ask or a potential disaster that my brain is luring me into. Would appreciate your advice on whether or not to do it, and if yes, the best way to phrase the question.
also should I read Attached lmao
also should I read Attached lmao
Response by poster: Just a heads up, I'm in a relatively non-bonkers part of the world. I suspect that won't make a huge difference to any of the advice, but just in case!
posted by Panthalassa at 2:15 AM on March 17, 2021
posted by Panthalassa at 2:15 AM on March 17, 2021
I appreciate this question very much because, after a very, very long time communicating with someone across an enormous distance I'm finally within arm's reach. The sense of possibility changing from "don't even think about it" to "well who knows" is a major swing, and I find myself thinking a little too much about how and what to do instead of simply being available for time together.
With that said, consider what you're asking and of who with this ask. You've come to the internet for insights about a person because you're unsure of how they would feel about a question like this. That's a sensible thing to do! When you have an information gap, we all probably like the thought of polling the public and seeing if there's a sort of median response that's suitable for most people. But I don't think that's a very handy action plan, as handy as it can be for your own personal information gathering about what time frames make sense to other people. I really think this is something you have to judge from your interactions with a specific person.
What's excellent is that you start this off, right from the start, with some very celebratory language. Words like "wonderful" and "really enjoy" are brilliant things to hear said about someone. Two weeks is enough time for some people to begin to wonder if a relationship is a possibility, myself included, but I think it may be the wrong time to ask about that so directly until there are more indications that this person is ready to offer their thoughts in a way that suggests they're wondering about this, too. Have you heard any of those cues? If so, of course, act on those cues, even considering referencing them when you steer the conversation in that direction (as in, I've found myself thinking about when you said X the other day, because I'd been thinking Y, and I like how those things go together). Have you not yet heard those cues? Then keep really enjoying these dates and see what comes next.
About Attached, I think it's healthy and helpful to explore ideas like what you'll find in that book, and in many others. There's no right or wrong in terms of healthy attachment, though, and that's the hazard with looking for answers in books like that: feeling like your way of being is a pathology to be treated rather than a set of values to be aware of. It's more important to know how your sense of attachment works than it is to try to migrate to a different style of attachment (although there's plenty of room in that assessment for recognizing and working on problematic thinking).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:28 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
With that said, consider what you're asking and of who with this ask. You've come to the internet for insights about a person because you're unsure of how they would feel about a question like this. That's a sensible thing to do! When you have an information gap, we all probably like the thought of polling the public and seeing if there's a sort of median response that's suitable for most people. But I don't think that's a very handy action plan, as handy as it can be for your own personal information gathering about what time frames make sense to other people. I really think this is something you have to judge from your interactions with a specific person.
What's excellent is that you start this off, right from the start, with some very celebratory language. Words like "wonderful" and "really enjoy" are brilliant things to hear said about someone. Two weeks is enough time for some people to begin to wonder if a relationship is a possibility, myself included, but I think it may be the wrong time to ask about that so directly until there are more indications that this person is ready to offer their thoughts in a way that suggests they're wondering about this, too. Have you heard any of those cues? If so, of course, act on those cues, even considering referencing them when you steer the conversation in that direction (as in, I've found myself thinking about when you said X the other day, because I'd been thinking Y, and I like how those things go together). Have you not yet heard those cues? Then keep really enjoying these dates and see what comes next.
About Attached, I think it's healthy and helpful to explore ideas like what you'll find in that book, and in many others. There's no right or wrong in terms of healthy attachment, though, and that's the hazard with looking for answers in books like that: feeling like your way of being is a pathology to be treated rather than a set of values to be aware of. It's more important to know how your sense of attachment works than it is to try to migrate to a different style of attachment (although there's plenty of room in that assessment for recognizing and working on problematic thinking).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:28 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
~2 dates in do you even know how you are feeling about dating them and where you see things going? The other person is showing you by their behavior what they think - they enjoy your company and want to see you again. Your anxiety wants more reassurance but more reassurance is not called for here. At this stage, you are learning and deciding whether this person/dynamic/potential relationship suits you, and the other person is sussing you out the same way.
Save the relationship-status conversation until you have something to say (not ask). Once you have decided what you want, you can tell the person "I like you and I'd like to keep seeing you/delete dating apps/get physical/remove the masks/meet your dog" (or "We have great chemistry and I'd like to keep a FWB thing going") and they can respond to your offer.
posted by headnsouth at 3:32 AM on March 17, 2021 [45 favorites]
Save the relationship-status conversation until you have something to say (not ask). Once you have decided what you want, you can tell the person "I like you and I'd like to keep seeing you/delete dating apps/get physical/remove the masks/meet your dog" (or "We have great chemistry and I'd like to keep a FWB thing going") and they can respond to your offer.
posted by headnsouth at 3:32 AM on March 17, 2021 [45 favorites]
If they continue to go out with you, that is a sign you're heading in the right direction. Don't overthink things this early.
posted by yclipse at 4:54 AM on March 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
posted by yclipse at 4:54 AM on March 17, 2021 [15 favorites]
This doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. My wife and I had that conversation six days after we met and, well, she’s my wife now. You’re not giving them an ultimatum - propose today or the relationship is over! - you’re just asking about what they see. Seeing something getting serious in the future isn’t necessarily the same as getting serious now, but if they don’t see it ever getting serious, that’s helpful to know early. Personally, I’d like to know as soon as possible.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:17 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by kevinbelt at 5:17 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
It seems to me like asking what they think before saying what you think is kind of unfair. Put yourself in their shoes, would you want to be asked that question before you knew what the other person thought?
Don’t say “do you like me?” Say “I like you.” It implies the same question without putting all the pressure on the other person.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:37 AM on March 17, 2021 [40 favorites]
Don’t say “do you like me?” Say “I like you.” It implies the same question without putting all the pressure on the other person.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:37 AM on March 17, 2021 [40 favorites]
After two dates? I think that's a bit of pressure you're putting on yourself and your date, honestly. I know that a lot of people consider "dating" differently than I did when I was younger, but after two dates, I feel like you might both be in a position to consider whether or not you'd want a third date, but not what your long-term plans as a couple might be.
posted by xingcat at 6:33 AM on March 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:33 AM on March 17, 2021 [8 favorites]
You have it flipped around! You should be the one saying "hey this has been great, I like you" and its up to them to respond, or not. After like 2-3 dates, you should not be asking your friend to describe their feelings to you... that's a lot of pressure.
posted by RajahKing at 6:54 AM on March 17, 2021 [11 favorites]
posted by RajahKing at 6:54 AM on March 17, 2021 [11 favorites]
In line with some of the other answers, nothing wrong with declaring "I've really been enjoying our dates!" and seeing how he responds, but I wouldn't expect anyone to make an on-the-spot future prediction of a relationship after three dates. The third date can also be a great time to tactfully suss out potential deal breakers (like kids).
posted by coffeecat at 6:57 AM on March 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 6:57 AM on March 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
It's going to totally depend on the person involved, but for me, being asked to define my feelings after two dates would be an orange flag. Not fatal, but I would certainly question why they need to have that reassurance that early, if there's more going on in the background. I can't think of an instance when I was asked for that kind of certainty too early where it wasn't counterproductive.
Relax. Breathe. If they want a third date, if they want a fourth date, that's your sign that they dig you. Let everyone's feelings grow, and it'll be clear enough before you know it.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:16 AM on March 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
Relax. Breathe. If they want a third date, if they want a fourth date, that's your sign that they dig you. Let everyone's feelings grow, and it'll be clear enough before you know it.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:16 AM on March 17, 2021 [5 favorites]
(FWIW, I think about a month is the very earliest you could have a discussion about the State of the Relationship, or the Exclusivity Talk, etc. And even then, it really needs to fit the circumstances.)
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:24 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:24 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Give it up to date six and then you ask them what they’re looking for.
Nothing about you. Just what they are looking for in general.
If they say nothing serious then that’s it then. If they say they will want something more serious then give it more time a few months to see if there’s potential between the two of you specifically.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:24 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Nothing about you. Just what they are looking for in general.
If they say nothing serious then that’s it then. If they say they will want something more serious then give it more time a few months to see if there’s potential between the two of you specifically.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:24 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest it's OK for you to share (a little) about where you're at at this point, rather than putting them on the spot quite yet. Something like, It's fun getting to know you or something else that shows your interest.
posted by latkes at 8:23 AM on March 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by latkes at 8:23 AM on March 17, 2021 [3 favorites]
Latkes has it - the way to do this is to say what you're feeling. If you want to have a slightly emotionally risky conversation, it's best if you lead by taking the first risk.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:35 AM on March 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:35 AM on March 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
I rarely answer these types of questions because, well, I am an older guy who is way more rational than emotional, but I happen to think they have answered the appropriate question already. They readily agreed to a third date in a short time period. That says, by definition, that they liked the first two dates with you.
If things are going well on this 3rd date, sure, say something like I have really enjoyed getting to know you to see what their reaction is going to be. My bet though is that their reaction will be non-informative like, "Me too."
I am with the Capt. This would be an orange or yellow flag to me if I were your date.
posted by AugustWest at 8:36 AM on March 17, 2021
If things are going well on this 3rd date, sure, say something like I have really enjoyed getting to know you to see what their reaction is going to be. My bet though is that their reaction will be non-informative like, "Me too."
I am with the Capt. This would be an orange or yellow flag to me if I were your date.
posted by AugustWest at 8:36 AM on March 17, 2021
I think *you* probably don't have enough information about this person yet for you to know where you'd like it to go (though it's possible you do! my parents got engaged on their third date and have been happily married 50+ years). What's on your mind? Do you want to stop dating other people to see where this goes, or what is your ideal scenario right now?
I think it's fine to say something like "I really like you," and see how they respond, but I think it's a little too early for a "where is this going?" conversation. If you're wondering whether they're looking for a serious relationship in general—not necessarily with you—that's fair to ask.
posted by pinochiette at 10:18 AM on March 17, 2021
I think it's fine to say something like "I really like you," and see how they respond, but I think it's a little too early for a "where is this going?" conversation. If you're wondering whether they're looking for a serious relationship in general—not necessarily with you—that's fair to ask.
posted by pinochiette at 10:18 AM on March 17, 2021
how my date sees things going forward?
I'm not sure 2 or 3 dates is long enough for *you* to know how you feel and how you see things going forward. Your question feels like it hands a lot of the authority and responsibility for the relationship to the other person. That's both a lot of power and a burden. Think about what *you* want, and go for that.
posted by theora55 at 10:18 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure 2 or 3 dates is long enough for *you* to know how you feel and how you see things going forward. Your question feels like it hands a lot of the authority and responsibility for the relationship to the other person. That's both a lot of power and a burden. Think about what *you* want, and go for that.
posted by theora55 at 10:18 AM on March 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
I would like to ask how my date is feeling about dating me and where they see things going
I think a sane conversation about this could be focused on how do people figure out how they are feeling, and how do they decide where things might go. Then you could get a sense of your datee's decision tree, which, I think, would be interesting and give a little bit of a sense of peace.
They may not know where things are going yet, but at least you can tell if there's a _possibility_ of a long-term commitment, without putting them on the spot so much.
posted by amtho at 10:46 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think a sane conversation about this could be focused on how do people figure out how they are feeling, and how do they decide where things might go. Then you could get a sense of your datee's decision tree, which, I think, would be interesting and give a little bit of a sense of peace.
They may not know where things are going yet, but at least you can tell if there's a _possibility_ of a long-term commitment, without putting them on the spot so much.
posted by amtho at 10:46 AM on March 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Do you *need* to know? Is not knowing making time with this person less valuable? This sounds too early to ask "where things are going", but, maybe not for you. At some point in any relationship these questions will come up. I just wouldn't ask sooner than needed, especially if you're enjoying how it's currently going.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 8:44 PM on March 17, 2021
posted by Unsomnambulist at 8:44 PM on March 17, 2021
Beginnings are a delicate thing. I would say if you are anxious this is maybe an opportunity to just lean into the enjoyment of getting to know them instead of trying to assuage anxiety to make this truly about the connection as the foundation of whatever happens. I would suggest asking the questions you want to yourself and just sit with the answers first. Enjoy it!
posted by cakebatter at 8:51 PM on March 17, 2021
posted by cakebatter at 8:51 PM on March 17, 2021
yes you should read attached :)
posted by skrozidile at 9:37 AM on March 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by skrozidile at 9:37 AM on March 18, 2021 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Third date went well – to the point where the question I wanted to ask was kind of moot! But thanks for the sanity check, all.
posted by Panthalassa at 5:07 AM on March 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by Panthalassa at 5:07 AM on March 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
With all the bonkers things going on around us, I think it would be nice to just enjoy their company, get to know them better, and RELAX and UNCLENCH.
You deserve to just breathe, and so does this person.
Let each date unfold as it should, and you will end up where you are supposed to be.
posted by Bill Watches Movies Podcast at 2:08 AM on March 17, 2021 [35 favorites]