Make me a gentleman!
August 26, 2011 9:00 PM Subscribe
How do I be a better boyfriend to a girl that wants chivalry?
Lately the girl I'm seeing and I have been going through a rough patch and she wants me to be more chivalrous. I always open doors for her and I plan dates and I go out of my way to be nice to her. I call her to see how she's doing, I don't give up when things are a little bad. I really like this girl. The problem is we haven't gone on many formal dates, a couple, but usually we're just, you know, hanging out and having a good time but I guess she doesn't want to do that anymore. I'd like things to be more serious and good. What do I do? Help me be a gentleman. What are some chivalrous things and good dates that I can go on with her. I just need some help in the love department hive mind.
Lately the girl I'm seeing and I have been going through a rough patch and she wants me to be more chivalrous. I always open doors for her and I plan dates and I go out of my way to be nice to her. I call her to see how she's doing, I don't give up when things are a little bad. I really like this girl. The problem is we haven't gone on many formal dates, a couple, but usually we're just, you know, hanging out and having a good time but I guess she doesn't want to do that anymore. I'd like things to be more serious and good. What do I do? Help me be a gentleman. What are some chivalrous things and good dates that I can go on with her. I just need some help in the love department hive mind.
Does she want "Chivalry" or does she want "Romance?" Because the difference there is the difference between opening the door versus flowers & unexpected sweet surprises. I wonder if the latter is what she's after --it's certainly a more common request.
posted by Ys at 9:17 PM on August 26, 2011
posted by Ys at 9:17 PM on August 26, 2011
Hm. I wonder. With that clarification, I still don't think the word is exactly "chivalry," but there may be an element of 'more attentive'. Or possibly she wants him to impress her more with how much he wants her to be _dating_ him, not just hanging out. It sounds like he isn't exactly pursuing the catch so much as bumbling his way towards it, and she's getting annoyed. Ignore me if I'm way off base.
posted by Ys at 9:21 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ys at 9:21 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
When a woman has made the effort to show you that she likes you, she's gone out on a limb. She'll feel like a dummy if you just incorporate her into you lifestyle the way an ameoba envelopes a speck of food. Make a date and don't just "go with the flow". Plan something out. You don't need to do this every time you get together but make a point of doing it every once in a while.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:37 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:37 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Also I'm located in Provo, UT if anyone has localized ideas for dates. I'm really trying to plan something great.
posted by this one is danny at 9:40 PM on August 26, 2011
posted by this one is danny at 9:40 PM on August 26, 2011
I agree that she probably wants you to make her feel special and important, and a nice big evening out is a good way to correct that. That said, if you would prefer to just "hang out" most of the time, you should consider just laying that out there for her. Big dates are all well and good on occasion, but if you're naturally low-maintenance and she's more high-maintenance, there may be a mismatch going forward.
posted by tau_ceti at 9:41 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by tau_ceti at 9:41 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
"usually we're just, you know, hanging out and having a good time but I guess she doesn't want to do that anymore."
Is what you're saying here that usually you just do something very casual and then have sex, and she's worried it's just a booty call/FWB relationship, and you want to show her it's not?
posted by crabintheocean at 10:00 PM on August 26, 2011
Is what you're saying here that usually you just do something very casual and then have sex, and she's worried it's just a booty call/FWB relationship, and you want to show her it's not?
posted by crabintheocean at 10:00 PM on August 26, 2011
I don't really know what she means by chivalrous
In this case, it sounds like she means being "present." Not distracted. Focused on her. Attentive. No cell phone in your lap. Actually talking to her. Going to dinner just with her. Going to see a movie with her alone. Taking her for a hike and bringing along snacks she likes. Meeting up with her and her friends at a bar.
And if you're doing those things but she's still complaining, then she wants to break up with you but just doesn't know how to go about it yet.
(Also you could try, uh, just telling her, "Hey! I really like you and I hope I'm living up to your expectations! But if I'm not, tell me what I can do to do a better job!")
posted by incessant at 10:07 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
In this case, it sounds like she means being "present." Not distracted. Focused on her. Attentive. No cell phone in your lap. Actually talking to her. Going to dinner just with her. Going to see a movie with her alone. Taking her for a hike and bringing along snacks she likes. Meeting up with her and her friends at a bar.
And if you're doing those things but she's still complaining, then she wants to break up with you but just doesn't know how to go about it yet.
(Also you could try, uh, just telling her, "Hey! I really like you and I hope I'm living up to your expectations! But if I'm not, tell me what I can do to do a better job!")
posted by incessant at 10:07 PM on August 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's possible that she wants it to look like you are making a real effort and thus wants you to plan Actual Activities, like you would if you were going on a first or second date...and *then* maybe you can come home and hang out. I get this way too sometimes; every relationship needs more fun things planned, and it is always nice to feel like someone is being thoughtful about the way they are spending your time and/or is trying to impress you a little. If that's the case, here are some ideas:
-Visit a farmer's market (there's that huge one in downtown Salt Lake on weekends if you don't mind a drive- probably some options closer to you, too), and make dinner from what you found
-Fun bike ride- I like out to brunch or to a park or along a lake
-*Out* of the house for a movie
-Enjoy the outdoors- maybe a hike (are you fit? then Timpanogos Cave and a picnic by the river there when you're done. Less fit? Then drive to Bridal Veil Falls)
-Wander around any local festivals (this looks like it could be interesting)
-Go mini-golfing. It is hard not to have fun when you are mini-golfing.
-Drive to Park City for a hike or slide and a fancy meal
-Visit Thanksgiving Point for dinosaurs and gardens.
posted by charmedimsure at 10:17 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
-Visit a farmer's market (there's that huge one in downtown Salt Lake on weekends if you don't mind a drive- probably some options closer to you, too), and make dinner from what you found
-Fun bike ride- I like out to brunch or to a park or along a lake
-*Out* of the house for a movie
-Enjoy the outdoors- maybe a hike (are you fit? then Timpanogos Cave and a picnic by the river there when you're done. Less fit? Then drive to Bridal Veil Falls)
-Wander around any local festivals (this looks like it could be interesting)
-Go mini-golfing. It is hard not to have fun when you are mini-golfing.
-Drive to Park City for a hike or slide and a fancy meal
-Visit Thanksgiving Point for dinosaurs and gardens.
posted by charmedimsure at 10:17 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: See, this is where I'd just ask what she wanted. You're having to guess, and she's basically sent you out with unclear instructions. Ask her what she means, because otherwise, you're trying to hit a target blindfolded.
I don't do well dating people who make me guess, because I always seem to guess wrong. I just got in the habit of asking.
posted by SNWidget at 6:59 AM on August 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
I don't do well dating people who make me guess, because I always seem to guess wrong. I just got in the habit of asking.
posted by SNWidget at 6:59 AM on August 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
If you are good in the kitchen, make dinner. Make it a special occasion--good meal, dessert, wine glasses, tablecloth or placemats, candles, cloth napkins. My woman loves that stuff, and so do I because honestly I'm not a huge fan of restaurants.
posted by massysett at 7:32 AM on August 27, 2011
posted by massysett at 7:32 AM on August 27, 2011
Having someone ask is kind of a turnoff. Doing (and taking a risk) is sexy.
The things I love most:
When someone opens a car door. Simple, cheap, easy, and still makes me feel treasured.
Love notes, no matter how clumsily written.
A girl I was dating paid attention to what drinks I kept in my fridge, and brought them, and some fruit she'd seen on a picnic at an outdoor play (free date, except for the snacks). I was incredibly touched by that.
Cooking for me, even if it's just spaghetti and sauce out of a can.
Picking up my socks from the floor when my back is aching.
Being nice to my family, even if they're horrible.
Giving me an occasion to dress up once in a while. Look for weird stuff if you're on the cheap. I don't know your city, but I guarantee you there's some stuff like that. Cascadia in Seattle (now closed) used to have $1 salmon and lamb miniburgers during happy hour. This is a place that usually charged 30 dollars a plate and was pretty fancy.
I love it when someone takes good pictures of me, or helps me with a project I'm doing. It makes me feel like they're paying attention.
posted by thelastcamel at 9:33 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
The things I love most:
When someone opens a car door. Simple, cheap, easy, and still makes me feel treasured.
Love notes, no matter how clumsily written.
A girl I was dating paid attention to what drinks I kept in my fridge, and brought them, and some fruit she'd seen on a picnic at an outdoor play (free date, except for the snacks). I was incredibly touched by that.
Cooking for me, even if it's just spaghetti and sauce out of a can.
Picking up my socks from the floor when my back is aching.
Being nice to my family, even if they're horrible.
Giving me an occasion to dress up once in a while. Look for weird stuff if you're on the cheap. I don't know your city, but I guarantee you there's some stuff like that. Cascadia in Seattle (now closed) used to have $1 salmon and lamb miniburgers during happy hour. This is a place that usually charged 30 dollars a plate and was pretty fancy.
I love it when someone takes good pictures of me, or helps me with a project I'm doing. It makes me feel like they're paying attention.
posted by thelastcamel at 9:33 AM on August 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Bring her flowers. You can never go wrong with flowers.
(Unless, of course, your lady is allergic.)
posted by medeine at 10:25 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Unless, of course, your lady is allergic.)
posted by medeine at 10:25 AM on August 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Having someone ask is kind of a turnoff. Doing (and taking a risk) is sexy.
OP, your relationship may end up being fine, but I'd like to point that of all my relationships, the worst was the one who literally said, "I shouldn't have to tell you what I want/need...you should just know" and the best was the one I'm one with now (and married). We ask each other what the other person wants all the time, and by doing so, we eventually get to the point where we don't have to guess what the other person wants because after all these years of asking, we actually know.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:54 PM on August 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
OP, your relationship may end up being fine, but I'd like to point that of all my relationships, the worst was the one who literally said, "I shouldn't have to tell you what I want/need...you should just know" and the best was the one I'm one with now (and married). We ask each other what the other person wants all the time, and by doing so, we eventually get to the point where we don't have to guess what the other person wants because after all these years of asking, we actually know.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:54 PM on August 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
seconding a strong correlation between people who romanticise chivalry, and people who absolutely adore being given a bouquets of flowers.
As for asking what she wants, communication is always better, but it sounds like she wants you to come up with the plans and surprise her with your thoughtfulness, like in movies and other fiction.
Possible solution: ask her by presenting her with multiple plans that you've made and asking her to pick one. (Also take the opportunity to ask if any of the plans that she didn't pick are ones she would like you to arrange for another time). You're making the plans and surprising her, but she gets to say what she wants and you get to learn what she likes.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:07 AM on August 28, 2011
As for asking what she wants, communication is always better, but it sounds like she wants you to come up with the plans and surprise her with your thoughtfulness, like in movies and other fiction.
Possible solution: ask her by presenting her with multiple plans that you've made and asking her to pick one. (Also take the opportunity to ask if any of the plans that she didn't pick are ones she would like you to arrange for another time). You're making the plans and surprising her, but she gets to say what she wants and you get to learn what she likes.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:07 AM on August 28, 2011
A small point of chivalry that has always earned big points with me is how you handle walking together when the path narrows, you have to go through a door, or there's oncoming pedestrian traffic. Anytime there's not room for you to continue walking side-by-side in the space you've previously been occupying, really. The sweet and chivalrous way to handle this is for you to slow down, use a hand on the small of your girlfriend's back to guide her in front of you without changing her pace (basically just indicating to her "keep walking, I'll work around you"), and then catch yourself up afterward.
This is just so much better than (a) running her off the path as you just squish sideways to make room, (b) jumping in front of her, or (c), fumbling with a big traffic jam as you try to figure out who should go where. Of course it's not a necessary part of being a good boyfriend, but it's really nice to know that when a minor hazard comes up, my guy is thinking of how to keep us both safe and comfortable rather than only thinking of getting himself out of the way at my expense.
posted by vytae at 7:30 AM on August 29, 2011
This is just so much better than (a) running her off the path as you just squish sideways to make room, (b) jumping in front of her, or (c), fumbling with a big traffic jam as you try to figure out who should go where. Of course it's not a necessary part of being a good boyfriend, but it's really nice to know that when a minor hazard comes up, my guy is thinking of how to keep us both safe and comfortable rather than only thinking of getting himself out of the way at my expense.
posted by vytae at 7:30 AM on August 29, 2011
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posted by sweetkid at 9:08 PM on August 26, 2011 [4 favorites]