How do I proceed with this new relationship?
December 20, 2010 7:54 AM Subscribe
Advice on how to proceed with a new relationship. Trying to be proactive and ask now, rather than ask about how to pick up the pieces if I mess things up.
Hi everyone. I'm posting this question to get some general advice on how to proceed with a new relationship, rather than post a question a couple weeks from now about how to deal with picking up the pieces after I've blown it.
I posted an anon question a couple months ago about whether or not I blew it by being too needy with someone who I had just hit it off with after meeting them online. Anyway, that didn't work out, and I honestly feel some of it was my fault, but some of it was due to her peculiarities.
Fast forward to now, and I met up with this woman, mid twenties. The first date went well, we had a milkshake and 2-3 hour conversation. No real romantic sparks, but she's a big fan of great conversation, and so am I. Two days later she emails and says we should do it again, but because of our schedules, we don't meet up for another 1.5 weeks. Queue a week of fantastic dates doing fun things, great conversations, a bit handholding, and pretty hot kisses goodbye, great chemistry.
Due to the circumstances of how we met up (online), it was pretty safe to assume that we were both meeting other people, and it's something we both joked about. One time we hung out so long that when we parted ways, I actually had a first date with someone else. I let her know this because I've always been pretty open, and I told her I felt weird about it because I'm having a great time with her. She said she hoped I didn't have too great a time, because she really likes me. Anyways, nothing came of that date, and she said she was glad.
She's very witty, pretty, well educated, etc. I like her a lot. When we met up for about the 5th time, I told her that whenever she wants to have the Conversation about seeing or rather not seeing other people, just let me know. She's going away for Christmas and New Year's, so I expected her to say when she gets back let's talk about it. So I was pleasantly surprised when she said well, we could have the conversation right now. So I said I'm having a great time with you, I like you a lot, and I'm not inclined to date any more people right now, that I'd like to see where things go with us. She said she really likes me too, she doesn't think she's ever liked someone so much so quickly before, and isn't inclined to date anyone else either. If either of us changes our mind, we'd let the other know.
Great so far right? I'd like to think so. We've been keeping in touch pretty much every day, sometimes just a text message or two, or sometimes just a short call. And I've been trying my best not to make the same mistakes I've made before.
Here's the red flag. She told me that she's the out of sight, out of mind kind of person. Previously, when she was seeing someone, and she goes away for a bit, she just loses interest, and doesn't keep in touch with them (I was a bit unsure of whether or not she resumed things when she got back). So I said that was a little bit of a red flag. However, I honestly believe if I'm interested in someone, I'd always eke out the time at least send a text , and say Hi, how are you, or something like that. Even if it's once or twice over a couple weeks. If I find that if I am disinclined to do that, then it says a lot. She agreed, and said I shouldn't worry about it, and while she can't promise anything, she's pretty sure that won't happen. Of course I also said it's Christmas, you're going home, it's an important time, I obviously don't expect to be a priority, especially so soon.
I've been reading Intimate Connections (shoutout to Ironmouth), and I have pretty realistic expectations, and a pretty healthy view of relationships, and been trying to incorporate these into my life. Also trying to maintain a healthy space, and not be clingy, stuff like that.
So we're meeting up at her place before she leaves. I'd like your advice about what, if anything, I should say about keeping in contact for the next 1.5 weeks while she's away for the holidays. I think I've been doing pretty well so far, and I don't want to mess things up.
Sorry if the question is vague. Any other general advice would be welcome too.
Hi everyone. I'm posting this question to get some general advice on how to proceed with a new relationship, rather than post a question a couple weeks from now about how to deal with picking up the pieces after I've blown it.
I posted an anon question a couple months ago about whether or not I blew it by being too needy with someone who I had just hit it off with after meeting them online. Anyway, that didn't work out, and I honestly feel some of it was my fault, but some of it was due to her peculiarities.
Fast forward to now, and I met up with this woman, mid twenties. The first date went well, we had a milkshake and 2-3 hour conversation. No real romantic sparks, but she's a big fan of great conversation, and so am I. Two days later she emails and says we should do it again, but because of our schedules, we don't meet up for another 1.5 weeks. Queue a week of fantastic dates doing fun things, great conversations, a bit handholding, and pretty hot kisses goodbye, great chemistry.
Due to the circumstances of how we met up (online), it was pretty safe to assume that we were both meeting other people, and it's something we both joked about. One time we hung out so long that when we parted ways, I actually had a first date with someone else. I let her know this because I've always been pretty open, and I told her I felt weird about it because I'm having a great time with her. She said she hoped I didn't have too great a time, because she really likes me. Anyways, nothing came of that date, and she said she was glad.
She's very witty, pretty, well educated, etc. I like her a lot. When we met up for about the 5th time, I told her that whenever she wants to have the Conversation about seeing or rather not seeing other people, just let me know. She's going away for Christmas and New Year's, so I expected her to say when she gets back let's talk about it. So I was pleasantly surprised when she said well, we could have the conversation right now. So I said I'm having a great time with you, I like you a lot, and I'm not inclined to date any more people right now, that I'd like to see where things go with us. She said she really likes me too, she doesn't think she's ever liked someone so much so quickly before, and isn't inclined to date anyone else either. If either of us changes our mind, we'd let the other know.
Great so far right? I'd like to think so. We've been keeping in touch pretty much every day, sometimes just a text message or two, or sometimes just a short call. And I've been trying my best not to make the same mistakes I've made before.
Here's the red flag. She told me that she's the out of sight, out of mind kind of person. Previously, when she was seeing someone, and she goes away for a bit, she just loses interest, and doesn't keep in touch with them (I was a bit unsure of whether or not she resumed things when she got back). So I said that was a little bit of a red flag. However, I honestly believe if I'm interested in someone, I'd always eke out the time at least send a text , and say Hi, how are you, or something like that. Even if it's once or twice over a couple weeks. If I find that if I am disinclined to do that, then it says a lot. She agreed, and said I shouldn't worry about it, and while she can't promise anything, she's pretty sure that won't happen. Of course I also said it's Christmas, you're going home, it's an important time, I obviously don't expect to be a priority, especially so soon.
I've been reading Intimate Connections (shoutout to Ironmouth), and I have pretty realistic expectations, and a pretty healthy view of relationships, and been trying to incorporate these into my life. Also trying to maintain a healthy space, and not be clingy, stuff like that.
So we're meeting up at her place before she leaves. I'd like your advice about what, if anything, I should say about keeping in contact for the next 1.5 weeks while she's away for the holidays. I think I've been doing pretty well so far, and I don't want to mess things up.
Sorry if the question is vague. Any other general advice would be welcome too.
I'm also an out of sight out of mind type of person... What that means is if someone isn't in my day to day life, I'm not going to remember to send them an email or message them or call them. It doesn't mean they don't cross my mind once in a while, it just means I don't think to contact them. Sometimes I'll say, "I should call/email/write so-and-so someday" and someday never comes. HOWEVER if they call me, I'll pick up the phone and talk to them. But, my friends know this about me and they know if they haven't heard from me in a few weeks/months/years it's not because I'm not their friend anymore... I just haven't thought to call them. This goes for people I've been intimate with as well.
Y'all have only been going out for a little while, right? Don't worry about it. She's only gonna be gone for a minute. Look forward to her coming back and enjoy your holidays without stressing over it.
posted by patheral at 8:12 AM on December 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Y'all have only been going out for a little while, right? Don't worry about it. She's only gonna be gone for a minute. Look forward to her coming back and enjoy your holidays without stressing over it.
posted by patheral at 8:12 AM on December 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Don't say anything. You're beanplating.
posted by yarly at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by yarly at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Say nothing before she leaves. Maybe give her a little Christmas gift to take on her trip? Call once or twice over the vacation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:16 AM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me that what she's saying to you is that she isn't the type to obsessively keep in touch when she's physically away from you (say, traveling out of town for the holidays). This sounds perfectly reasonable to me, especially since you guys haven't known each other very long and have no real obligations to each other.
I don't think she means that she's going to see other people in the 10 days she'll be gone, or that when she comes back she'll be a whole different person who may or may not still be into you.
If I were you, I'd call or text once, maybe on Christmas itself, just to say Merry Christmas and see how her visit is going. If she replies, great. If you don't get in touch with her, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
She probably just doesn't want to call you every single day, or text constantly back and forth the whole time she's there. Which is something I get - I'm not much of a phone person, and I feel that when I'm traveling, I'm there and need to concentrate on doing what I went there to do, not on how things are going back home. This is especially true if I'm traveling to be with family, and especially if it's the holidays (I have a big family and lots of social obligations, and if I'm getting a text every 10 minutes it can feel really stressful). I wonder if her situation is similar?
posted by Sara C. at 8:18 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think she means that she's going to see other people in the 10 days she'll be gone, or that when she comes back she'll be a whole different person who may or may not still be into you.
If I were you, I'd call or text once, maybe on Christmas itself, just to say Merry Christmas and see how her visit is going. If she replies, great. If you don't get in touch with her, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
She probably just doesn't want to call you every single day, or text constantly back and forth the whole time she's there. Which is something I get - I'm not much of a phone person, and I feel that when I'm traveling, I'm there and need to concentrate on doing what I went there to do, not on how things are going back home. This is especially true if I'm traveling to be with family, and especially if it's the holidays (I have a big family and lots of social obligations, and if I'm getting a text every 10 minutes it can feel really stressful). I wonder if her situation is similar?
posted by Sara C. at 8:18 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
In a similar situation with a newish boyfriend (who is now my husband), when I actually wouldn't HAVE e-mail or phone over the Christmas holiday, I left him a handful of silly notes and cards to be opened on various dates when I was gone. It may be too early in your relationship/the wrong sort of relationship for that, but it worked for us. Just very small things, and very lighthearted ones, not page-long declarations of undying love. But, like, a goofy card with a comic strip I cut out (or printed off, these days!) that I thought he'd get a kick out of, or a little quarter-machine toy, or whatever. Not a ton, not an overwhelming amount, just a few so he'd know I was thinking of him while I was out of radio contact.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:23 AM on December 20, 2010
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:23 AM on December 20, 2010
Call her on the 25th. Spend the rest of your holiday enjoying what may be your last spell of singlehood/freedom. Drink beer and watch James Bond (or something a little more risqué). Burp and fart loudly and noxiously, awarding yourself points out of 10 for each eruption. These are activities that may soon become forbidden.
On a more serious note, what I'm trying to say is Just Relax! Don't make a big deal out of this.
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 8:54 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
On a more serious note, what I'm trying to say is Just Relax! Don't make a big deal out of this.
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 8:54 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Get in touch once or twice over the holiday, and otherwise don't worry about this. If it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, it's not the end of the world!
posted by medeine at 11:37 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by medeine at 11:37 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Tell her you can't wait to see her when she's back. Don't say anything about what level of contact is expected/appropriate. As for the actual contact, play it by ear and see what she does? Otherwise, maybe one or two quick, lighthearted texts.
Above all, just relax and breathe and enjoy yourself. This is just a week and a half.
posted by J. Wilson at 1:55 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Above all, just relax and breathe and enjoy yourself. This is just a week and a half.
posted by J. Wilson at 1:55 PM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Tell her to have fun, and to drop you a line when she gets back into town.
Then go out and have a good time by yourself or with friends, doing whatever it is you like to do, and not text her until she comes back.
posted by canine epigram at 8:09 AM on December 20, 2010 [3 favorites]