Men's Bathing Suits that Don't Reveal the Goods

July 15, 2008 1:47 PM

Ok, my penis is small. When I get in a pool, then get out, my bathing suit suctions to my body making my private parts very obvious in their lack of size. Probably no one notices... or do they? What bathing suit or bathing suit style is best suited for a man that is less-than well-endowed?
posted by anonymous to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (32 answers total)

Whether or not it's actually so, I like to believe that most people are not examining the crotchular goods of others at the pool. I might be wrong, but if I am, please don't tell me.

Speedos are obviously right out if this is a concern for you; have you tried those knee-ish length swim trunks?
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 1:49 PM on July 15, 2008

Everyones penis is small when they get out of the water.
posted by domakesaypat at 1:51 PM on July 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about it. Speaking as a woman, I have never seen anything obviously small or big in a men's wet bathing suit.
posted by greta simone at 1:52 PM on July 15, 2008

The pool (or ocean or lake) is a place where everyone is hyper-sensitive about their bodies simply because so much of it is being exposed. To be honest, i'm too worried about my tits being small to be worried about your junk.
posted by Ugh at 1:53 PM on July 15, 2008 [28 favorites]

I can really only speak for myself when I say that I've never stood around a pool waiting for men to climb out so I could size up their cocks.
posted by The Straightener at 1:55 PM on July 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

I can tell you two things:

First off, cold water shrinks your junk, and everyone will assume that rather than you being under-endowed.

Second off, speaking as a guy who occasionally gets hard-ons at the pool, the most successful strategy is to look for board-short style bathing suits that are made out of denser stuff, like canvas or denim.
posted by klangklangston at 2:00 PM on July 15, 2008

Speaking as someone who would probably look if there was anything that could be ascertained by looking at men in swimshorts, no one is looking.
As long as you aren't wearing a speedo, that thing could be anywhere in your suit and any size. We wouldn't be able to tell.
Wear mid-length shorts or long shorts. Then, however long your shorts are, pretend it's about a half-inch from coming out from the bottom. Confidence is all you need.
posted by rmless at 2:04 PM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Aside from Speedos(tm), I've never noticed another man's equipment at the pool.

And when I've been at a clothing-optional swimming hole, I've seen shrinkage-induced lengths from pretty much just-the-corona to watch-where-you're-swinging-that-thing - but nearly-zero is pretty much the standard.

Personally, mine is in the general "normal" range when happy, and shrinkage regularly takes it down to just-the-corona size.

NBD. You're fine. No one else notices.
posted by IAmBroom at 2:04 PM on July 15, 2008

Board-shorts are the way to go. I wear them cycling on days when I may get rained on. They are denser than traditional swim trunks, come in hip designs, and are actually way more practical for the casual swimmer than trunks - mainly because they have pockets and stuff like that. In fact, you can get away with wearing them as normal shorts.
posted by wfrgms at 2:06 PM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Dark colors, like navy blue.
posted by smackfu at 2:10 PM on July 15, 2008

Nobody will notice/care.

At the risk of serious TMI, I'm a notch larger than average, and I'm still ultra-tiny when stepping out of a pool. Just don't wear a speedo - that has nothing to do with your question, it's just general advice - and enjoy the water.
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:11 PM on July 15, 2008

I have heard of people wearing an athletic supporter under trunks to deal with this and other problems.
posted by Zach! at 2:21 PM on July 15, 2008

I hang out with men in speedos every day. No one is looking at your crotch.
posted by dame at 2:28 PM on July 15, 2008

I stare at everyone's crotches; everyone's got shrinkage so I wouldn't worry. That said, I spend a lot of time at the pool and I'd suggest

- dark colors
- heavier fabrics
- wearing some briefs under your shorts
- shorts with a velcro fly (lots of board shorts have this)
- longer shorts that don't cling upwards as well as inwards
posted by jessamyn at 2:30 PM on July 15, 2008

a pattern would help--the visual noise sort of erases all the lumps and bumps. my bf has some nice trunks from target in a camo pattern.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:32 PM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

When you've got shrinkage, just grab the waistband of your shorts and pull it out the tiniest fraction of an inch to break the suction that forms. Then your shorts hang normally and everybody goes about their day.
posted by lekvar at 3:04 PM on July 15, 2008

I definitely would look and notice the crotch area and, rude or not, I have a tendency to stare.

Whenever people say that no one notices certain things I have to completely disagree and say that I definitely see them or even look for them and then I go ahead and form some sort of judgement about you, both good and bad. I'm very observant and critical.
If I was to see you get out of a pool however, my reaction wouldn't be "haha, that's small!" but rather "oh wow, I can see his goodies (grin and nod approvingly)".

That said, I definitely recommend/agree with the denser fabric board shorts.
posted by simplethings at 3:33 PM on July 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

Everyone's wedding tackle shrinks when cold and/or wet. Nobody is looking at your junk because nobody is looking at anybody's junk because - see Point A - there's virtually nothing to look at.

Gawping would be a pointless exercise anyway, because the size of any given unerect member has no correlation to the size of the same erect member.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:33 PM on July 15, 2008

I think a lot of people wouldn't notice, but I'm with simplethings. I am also very observant and critical, and I would definitely notice something like that. But, as everyone else has said, cold water causes shrinkage and I would just chalk it up to that. Also, some people are growers and some people are showers.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:07 PM on July 15, 2008

FWIW I don't check out men's junk and, for me, size does not matter, and even if it did, I would not know how to judge it through a wet bathing suit. I like board shorts, though.
posted by mistsandrain at 4:25 PM on July 15, 2008

I've never noticed a penis large or small at the pool, unless its owner was wearing a Speedo.
posted by HotToddy at 4:26 PM on July 15, 2008

I never look and will not notice. Moreover, how could I tell it looked small? In order to do a size test I'd have to stare at some other boy's crotches wearing similar trunks as you . . . too much work. I'll just admire your cute face, curly leg hair, and defined abs/chest, should any of the above be present.
posted by arnicae at 4:39 PM on July 15, 2008

What bathing suit or bathing suit style is best suited for a man that is less-than well-endowed?

The ones that say "SHRINKAGE!" across the front.

Seriously, as noted, I think you are probably fitting right in. Unless you are wearing a Speedo or a super-thin fabric, I don't think anyone even pays any attention in the short (no pun) time it takes to get out of the pool and tug your suit away from your legs.

If you really are concerned to the point that it interferes with your ability to enjoy your time at the pool, then get some loose boardshorts with a good lining and a funky pattern. And if you still feel self-conscious, sew in some extra lining. Just realize that doing so could increase the drying time of the trunks.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 4:56 PM on July 15, 2008

yeah, everybody is shrunken.

That whole "guys checking each other in the shower/at the gym" trope is a weird thing tv has perpetuated. Even if I did want that info about my friends, recently immersed in water and/or after a workout is not the time to find out.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:13 PM on July 15, 2008

Nope. I'm thirding simplethings here. I would definitely notice if it were really-well defined junk. I might note its size, but would probably chalk it up to shrinkage. But, since it's not usually big enough (due to shrinkage) to show, it isn't an issue. I don't think I would ever notice the lack of well-defined junk. It isn't as if I expect to see everybody's cockandballs at the pool.^*

Also, long boardshorts++. Don't wear briefs underneath them... that's just gross.

^*No matter how much I dream of such a day.
posted by Netzapper at 5:29 PM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I nth all the above that your concerns are moot, even the really big guys have shrinkage at the pool. The only way it's noticeable in the first place is if you're wearing a Speedo. Europeans, I know it's just my goddam-American-centric fashion creeds, but no men other than Olympic swimmers should ever wear a Speedo.
posted by zardoz at 5:49 PM on July 15, 2008

Board Shorts + Boxer Briefs.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:02 PM on July 15, 2008

Stop worrying about it. Unless you force me to look by wearing a banana hammock, I promise you I am not checking out how big your junk looks in your shorts.

I can fondly recall ogling specific men's pecs, arms, legs, bum, you name it....but never the "front bottom".

Everyone knows about shrinkage....and most know that there are growers, and then there are showers. No one will guess that you're not just a shrunken "grower", even if they do glimpse an outline.
posted by availablelight at 7:25 PM on July 15, 2008

Sometimes I do look at penis. I admit it. But, by the time I am checking out the cock and balls I have already decided I am going to approve of what I find.
posted by Foam Pants at 7:38 PM on July 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

All of the aforesaid advice is good. Here's more:

Stop going swimming in public.
posted by jabberjaw at 10:28 PM on July 15, 2008

Board shorts? Can't see my boyfriend's cock in them, unfortunately. :( Light-coloured board shorts with a dark pattern.
posted by Xianny at 2:06 AM on July 16, 2008

Echoing everyone else's comments concerning the world's interest in your junk, I will add that if you're still concerned you should pick up a pair of Birdwell's.
posted by saladin at 4:25 AM on July 16, 2008