How can I keep the peace?
May 5, 2008 7:13 AM Subscribe
I'm going home for a visit. I don't like my brother's wife but I should probably keep my mouth shut. How do I keep my visit peaceful? More inside.
My brother eloped with his long-time girlfriend about a year and a half ago. I've only met her a handful of times as I live far from home and don't get there much. I always thought his wife was a little, well, I just never really liked her that much. I don't know if it was just me being an over-protective li'l sis but the first time I met her at a family function she was making little comments about the food and family members and such and it just rubbed me the wrong way. Since then every encounter has left me feeling that she's just not a very nice person but my brother always seemed happy so I kept it to myself. Anyways, I was a little disappointed that they never had a real ceremony at home with the family but I knew it was their decision to do whatever they wanted. When he told me they were going to elope I immediately thought she was pregnant or something and I said that jokingly. He said that it was something they were talking about one night and just decided to make the plans. It all seemed weird to me because he is the kind of guy that is very family-oriented but I let it go. I suspected she gave him an ultimatum of "marry me or I walk" but I certainly can't prove anything. Five months later his wife's mother died. She decided she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. He was heartbroken. Many months went by where he would call and tell me how hurtful she was being towards him. This didn't endear me any further to her. After about 4 months of all this "divorcing" his wife decided to drop everything and come back home. Now everything is "fine." It's been fine for several months now and I'm going to go home in a few weeks for a visit. My brother wants me to stay with him and his wife but he knows I'm not exactly a fan of hers. I know it's not my business but I have no idea how this relationship can be "fine." I've told my brother that I would rather stay with mom and dad or in a hotel but he insists that I become friends with his wife. I don't want to. I know my brother isn't an angel but what she's put him through merits more than a "let's just not talk about that anymore." My parents are being supportive of their relationship but even they think it's a little odd.
So, really, I have two questions. 1) I'm really not interested in staying with him and his wife. Of course I want to see him but I think it's in everyone's best interest that I stay somewhere else. Am I being a total b#$@h? I can be polite to her when I see her, but if I stay with her I can't promise that I can bite my tongue the whole time. Wouldn't it make more sense that I stay somewhere else? I care about my brother's happiness and if this is his happiness then I think the best thing is for me to shut up and stay somewhere else. But something inside me tells me this relationship is wrong and I'm not the type to be quiet about it.
2) I know I'm not there. I don't know everything that's going on, but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy? Does anyone have insight on this? I know they haven't gone to therapy and seem to have taken the "drop it" route. Can that actually work?
I feel like I'm coming across as a nosy annoying sister and I sould mind my own business but these questions really are on my mind. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on the above would be appreciated.
My brother eloped with his long-time girlfriend about a year and a half ago. I've only met her a handful of times as I live far from home and don't get there much. I always thought his wife was a little, well, I just never really liked her that much. I don't know if it was just me being an over-protective li'l sis but the first time I met her at a family function she was making little comments about the food and family members and such and it just rubbed me the wrong way. Since then every encounter has left me feeling that she's just not a very nice person but my brother always seemed happy so I kept it to myself. Anyways, I was a little disappointed that they never had a real ceremony at home with the family but I knew it was their decision to do whatever they wanted. When he told me they were going to elope I immediately thought she was pregnant or something and I said that jokingly. He said that it was something they were talking about one night and just decided to make the plans. It all seemed weird to me because he is the kind of guy that is very family-oriented but I let it go. I suspected she gave him an ultimatum of "marry me or I walk" but I certainly can't prove anything. Five months later his wife's mother died. She decided she didn't love him anymore and wanted a divorce. He was heartbroken. Many months went by where he would call and tell me how hurtful she was being towards him. This didn't endear me any further to her. After about 4 months of all this "divorcing" his wife decided to drop everything and come back home. Now everything is "fine." It's been fine for several months now and I'm going to go home in a few weeks for a visit. My brother wants me to stay with him and his wife but he knows I'm not exactly a fan of hers. I know it's not my business but I have no idea how this relationship can be "fine." I've told my brother that I would rather stay with mom and dad or in a hotel but he insists that I become friends with his wife. I don't want to. I know my brother isn't an angel but what she's put him through merits more than a "let's just not talk about that anymore." My parents are being supportive of their relationship but even they think it's a little odd.
So, really, I have two questions. 1) I'm really not interested in staying with him and his wife. Of course I want to see him but I think it's in everyone's best interest that I stay somewhere else. Am I being a total b#$@h? I can be polite to her when I see her, but if I stay with her I can't promise that I can bite my tongue the whole time. Wouldn't it make more sense that I stay somewhere else? I care about my brother's happiness and if this is his happiness then I think the best thing is for me to shut up and stay somewhere else. But something inside me tells me this relationship is wrong and I'm not the type to be quiet about it.
2) I know I'm not there. I don't know everything that's going on, but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy? Does anyone have insight on this? I know they haven't gone to therapy and seem to have taken the "drop it" route. Can that actually work?
I feel like I'm coming across as a nosy annoying sister and I sould mind my own business but these questions really are on my mind. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice on the above would be appreciated.
Of course I want to see him but I think it's in everyone's best interest that I stay somewhere else. Am I being a total b#$@h?
No. I think that would be understandable under the circumstances. It sounds like you have some pretty good reasons not to like her, and you can't be "forced" to like someone -- even through proximity.
but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy? Does anyone have insight on this? I know they haven't gone to therapy and seem to have taken the "drop it" route. Can that actually work?
Of course. People grow and change, even without therapy. But it could also fail. Nobody (on MeFi) can say for sure what the outcome will be for your brother and SIL. But to answer the question whether it's possible, the answer is most certainly "yes."
posted by pardonyou? at 7:25 AM on May 5, 2008
No. I think that would be understandable under the circumstances. It sounds like you have some pretty good reasons not to like her, and you can't be "forced" to like someone -- even through proximity.
but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy? Does anyone have insight on this? I know they haven't gone to therapy and seem to have taken the "drop it" route. Can that actually work?
Of course. People grow and change, even without therapy. But it could also fail. Nobody (on MeFi) can say for sure what the outcome will be for your brother and SIL. But to answer the question whether it's possible, the answer is most certainly "yes."
posted by pardonyou? at 7:25 AM on May 5, 2008
You know all of the answers already. No, it's not your business. Yes, the best thing for you to do is shut up about it. You might not be the type to shut up, but for the sake of everyone's sanity and in the interest of having a peaceful visit home (for everyone), bite your tongue and control your opinions.
Don't go home for a visit, kick over a beehive and then head back home to your own peace and quiet, leaving everyone else to deal with the bees everywhere. It's not fair to your family back home that has been living in general peace and quiet. Don't disrupt their lives.
Look, your brother is an adult and it's possible you don't know a fraction of the story. Sometimes, you just have to let people make their own mistakes.
Definitely stay in a hotel. Tell your brother you definitely appreciate their invitation, but you think you'll need some quiet personal time at the end of the day to recoup.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:34 AM on May 5, 2008
Don't go home for a visit, kick over a beehive and then head back home to your own peace and quiet, leaving everyone else to deal with the bees everywhere. It's not fair to your family back home that has been living in general peace and quiet. Don't disrupt their lives.
Look, your brother is an adult and it's possible you don't know a fraction of the story. Sometimes, you just have to let people make their own mistakes.
Definitely stay in a hotel. Tell your brother you definitely appreciate their invitation, but you think you'll need some quiet personal time at the end of the day to recoup.
posted by jerseygirl at 7:34 AM on May 5, 2008
I think that you should definitely not stay with your brother and his wife - that's asking for trouble. You should stay with your parents but frame it in a "I miss Mom and Dad so much, being away has really made me realize how much I want to be around them while I still have that choice" rather than a "I don't want to stay with you and your bitchy wife" sort of way.
That way you make it easier for everyone - you don't have to stay with brother/his wife AND your brother won't be offended AND he will have a legitimate story to tell his wife as to why you are not staying with them.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:39 AM on May 5, 2008
That way you make it easier for everyone - you don't have to stay with brother/his wife AND your brother won't be offended AND he will have a legitimate story to tell his wife as to why you are not staying with them.
posted by mustcatchmooseandsquirrel at 7:39 AM on May 5, 2008
anon: I'm really not interested in staying with him and his wife. Of course I want to see him but I think it's in everyone's best interest that I stay somewhere else. Am I being a total b#$@h? I can be polite to her when I see her, but if I stay with her I can't promise that I can bite my tongue the whole time. Wouldn't it make more sense that I stay somewhere else? I care about my brother's happiness and if this is his happiness then I think the best thing is for me to shut up and stay somewhere else. But something inside me tells me this relationship is wrong and I'm not the type to be quiet about it... I know I'm not there. I don't know everything that's going on, but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy? Does anyone have insight on this? I know they haven't gone to therapy and seem to have taken the "drop it" route. Can that actually work?
You're perfectly free to have your feelings. They're yours, after all. But I offer two pieces of advice and an anecdote:
First, measure carefully what effect anything you say or do will have on the situation. Know well that letting it all out and confronting your brother in order to tell him that his marriage sucks will do a fantastic amount of harm and likely no good; you're within your rights to ask him quietly if his marriage is going well and tell him that you hope it does, but keep in mind that he is his own person, and ought to be free to make his own decisions in this. If you tell him bluntly and angrily that you can't stand his wife, he's unlikely to hear that 'advice' and use it to any good; if he's going to end up getting hurt here, he's going to need his sister as a friend, not a combatant.
Your story reminds me of my own relationship with my father-in-law, who's a clinical narcissist. I'd always hated him, and he hated me- he called me a 'cholo' once, which hardly even makes any sense whatsoever, and I told him that if he hurt my spouse I'd probably kill him. Bad fights, mostly precipitated by the fact that I believed he was cruel to my spouse. However, as time went on, I got used to him; our relationship has grown some nice boundaries, and I can relate to him. I even enjoy talking to him now; we can hang out and joke and talk, although we're not likely to spend hours on end together. And, oddly, I find myself looking up to him in certain ways, and thinking of him as a decent man in some respects, though I don't fool myself about the problems he has. I never imagined that I'd feel that way.
That's sort of my second point: the hardest part about the situation you're in is that you have no idea how you'll feel about this woman in the future. It sounds to me as though you have some reason to feel apprehensive for your brother's sake; but he's made this choice, and he obviously sees something in her. Watch out; you may find yourself liking her, finding her funny, smart, kind, or some such. When that happens, be open to it. She's just another human being; and, as I discovered, even human beings who have problems and troubles can be our friends.
So that's my advice: be careful what you say and be open to her.
posted by Viomeda at 7:41 AM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
You're perfectly free to have your feelings. They're yours, after all. But I offer two pieces of advice and an anecdote:
First, measure carefully what effect anything you say or do will have on the situation. Know well that letting it all out and confronting your brother in order to tell him that his marriage sucks will do a fantastic amount of harm and likely no good; you're within your rights to ask him quietly if his marriage is going well and tell him that you hope it does, but keep in mind that he is his own person, and ought to be free to make his own decisions in this. If you tell him bluntly and angrily that you can't stand his wife, he's unlikely to hear that 'advice' and use it to any good; if he's going to end up getting hurt here, he's going to need his sister as a friend, not a combatant.
Your story reminds me of my own relationship with my father-in-law, who's a clinical narcissist. I'd always hated him, and he hated me- he called me a 'cholo' once, which hardly even makes any sense whatsoever, and I told him that if he hurt my spouse I'd probably kill him. Bad fights, mostly precipitated by the fact that I believed he was cruel to my spouse. However, as time went on, I got used to him; our relationship has grown some nice boundaries, and I can relate to him. I even enjoy talking to him now; we can hang out and joke and talk, although we're not likely to spend hours on end together. And, oddly, I find myself looking up to him in certain ways, and thinking of him as a decent man in some respects, though I don't fool myself about the problems he has. I never imagined that I'd feel that way.
That's sort of my second point: the hardest part about the situation you're in is that you have no idea how you'll feel about this woman in the future. It sounds to me as though you have some reason to feel apprehensive for your brother's sake; but he's made this choice, and he obviously sees something in her. Watch out; you may find yourself liking her, finding her funny, smart, kind, or some such. When that happens, be open to it. She's just another human being; and, as I discovered, even human beings who have problems and troubles can be our friends.
So that's my advice: be careful what you say and be open to her.
posted by Viomeda at 7:41 AM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]
You are absolutely entitled to your feelings.
How you should act is a different matter. I can only think of two ways to act that aren't recipes for disaster:
1. Stay away.
2. Visit, after doing some internal work and being 100% sure you'll be friendly and polite to everyone there.
You'd don't get to be friendly-but-aloof. You don't get to be passive-aggressive. There's no sort of "under-the-surface" stuff that will pass. If you're going to be covertly aggressive, you might-as-well be overtly aggressive. If you are, you'll come across as aggressive; if you take the aloof or passive-aggressive route, you'll come across as aggressive, dishonest and cowardly.
Don't go unless you can be a good guest. If you know you can't be a good guest, that's good reason to stay away.
posted by grumblebee at 8:05 AM on May 5, 2008
How you should act is a different matter. I can only think of two ways to act that aren't recipes for disaster:
1. Stay away.
2. Visit, after doing some internal work and being 100% sure you'll be friendly and polite to everyone there.
You'd don't get to be friendly-but-aloof. You don't get to be passive-aggressive. There's no sort of "under-the-surface" stuff that will pass. If you're going to be covertly aggressive, you might-as-well be overtly aggressive. If you are, you'll come across as aggressive; if you take the aloof or passive-aggressive route, you'll come across as aggressive, dishonest and cowardly.
Don't go unless you can be a good guest. If you know you can't be a good guest, that's good reason to stay away.
posted by grumblebee at 8:05 AM on May 5, 2008
I feel like I'm coming across as a nosy annoying sister and I sould mind my own business but these questions really are on my mind. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Please don't take this as an attack on your obvious concern for your brother but, well, you do come off as really negative. You suspect that he married her because she gave him an ultimatum. You joked that it was shotgun (which whether or not you meant it like this, implies that she 'trapped' him.) You don't believe your brother when he says that they've put their marital troubles behind them. Just because he doesn't want to talk about it with you doesn't mean that they aren't working on their marriage in other ways.
Point is, the brother whose well-being you care about so very much is asking you to give his wife another chance. Even your parents are willing to try to give this woman a chance to be part of the family.
If you're biting your tongue the whole time, you're only being polite in the absolute strictest sense. Stay with your folks, but consider taking the high road and letting go of your suspicions for a weekend. Think of this woman as sort of a co-worker -- you didn't choose to have to work together, but there ya are, so you might as well find some common ground.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 AM on May 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
Please don't take this as an attack on your obvious concern for your brother but, well, you do come off as really negative. You suspect that he married her because she gave him an ultimatum. You joked that it was shotgun (which whether or not you meant it like this, implies that she 'trapped' him.) You don't believe your brother when he says that they've put their marital troubles behind them. Just because he doesn't want to talk about it with you doesn't mean that they aren't working on their marriage in other ways.
Point is, the brother whose well-being you care about so very much is asking you to give his wife another chance. Even your parents are willing to try to give this woman a chance to be part of the family.
If you're biting your tongue the whole time, you're only being polite in the absolute strictest sense. Stay with your folks, but consider taking the high road and letting go of your suspicions for a weekend. Think of this woman as sort of a co-worker -- you didn't choose to have to work together, but there ya are, so you might as well find some common ground.
posted by desuetude at 8:06 AM on May 5, 2008 [2 favorites]
You're not being a b#$@h for not wanting to stay with them. You are, in fact, probably being the most rational person in that respect. You don't like your brother's wife, for good reason--regardless of what the true circumstances are, you heard so much negativity about her from your brother during their difficulties that you're not in a position to bring yourself to like her right now. There's nothing wrong with that. Especially if you don't feel you'd be able to keep your mouth shut if you stayed with her, you're doing everyone a favour by staying with your parents or on your own.
Your brother should understand this. It seems like he's trying to force everything to be "good" again; he wants his sister and his wife together under one roof, happy and getting along. Which isn't fair to you, after putting you in the position of hearing all the dirt when things are going bad (perhaps this is just armchair psychoanalysis, but could this be some sort of validation scheme? Getting the person who heard the worst to put the stamp of approval on the marriage). He doesn't want you to stay elsewhere, yet he also doesn't want you to demonstrate some understandable feelings toward his wife. The two desires are incompatible.
Explain this to your brother in this manner. Tell him that she may well be a wonderful person and the time may come when you and she have a good relationship, but that time will not be now because you are still smarting over the experience of counselling him through the misery when she wanted a divorce, and are sensitive toward someone who caused him pain, even/especially since that person was his wife (perhaps phrased more delicately than that). Tell him that it will be the best thing for your relationship with her if you don't have to interact with her constantly during your stay.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 8:10 AM on May 5, 2008
Your brother should understand this. It seems like he's trying to force everything to be "good" again; he wants his sister and his wife together under one roof, happy and getting along. Which isn't fair to you, after putting you in the position of hearing all the dirt when things are going bad (perhaps this is just armchair psychoanalysis, but could this be some sort of validation scheme? Getting the person who heard the worst to put the stamp of approval on the marriage). He doesn't want you to stay elsewhere, yet he also doesn't want you to demonstrate some understandable feelings toward his wife. The two desires are incompatible.
Explain this to your brother in this manner. Tell him that she may well be a wonderful person and the time may come when you and she have a good relationship, but that time will not be now because you are still smarting over the experience of counselling him through the misery when she wanted a divorce, and are sensitive toward someone who caused him pain, even/especially since that person was his wife (perhaps phrased more delicately than that). Tell him that it will be the best thing for your relationship with her if you don't have to interact with her constantly during your stay.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 8:10 AM on May 5, 2008
She's imperfect. He's imperfect. Their relationship is imperfect. You care about him a lot and hate to see him get hurt. Now you know how parents feel as they watch a child learn to walk, falling down a lot.
You can't make this easy for him. He has to figure it out for himself. If he ended things just because he trusted your opinion, he'd either have horrible regrets ("I should have done more to save it!") or end up in the same situation with someone else a year later. For that reason, it's not her fault either, whatever her flaws -- she may be dangerous to him, but it's because of who he is as much as whatever she's doing wrong.
You should be patient with him and with them. Taking sides, acting like you know the solution -- that won't help anyone. It's a painful situation, and he's the one who has to go through the pain, so you should just be as kind as you can. Being pushy and judgmental will keep him from being able to open up to you about what's going on over time. Your primary goal should be to keep the lines of communication open with the person you really care about here, your brother.
And maybe things will be okay. I hear that the first year of marriage can be crazy and full of fights. Maybe they're just getting adjusted to each other.
About him wanting you to stay with her, it sounds to me like he wants you to see that everything is great and forgive her for what she did. You might address that directly to him. ("I'm sure we will become friends eventually. What will make me friends with her is seeing her treat you well over time. So, why don't I start getting to know her now, and we can save the idea of me staying there with you guys for another visit in the future?")
posted by salvia at 8:59 AM on May 5, 2008
You can't make this easy for him. He has to figure it out for himself. If he ended things just because he trusted your opinion, he'd either have horrible regrets ("I should have done more to save it!") or end up in the same situation with someone else a year later. For that reason, it's not her fault either, whatever her flaws -- she may be dangerous to him, but it's because of who he is as much as whatever she's doing wrong.
You should be patient with him and with them. Taking sides, acting like you know the solution -- that won't help anyone. It's a painful situation, and he's the one who has to go through the pain, so you should just be as kind as you can. Being pushy and judgmental will keep him from being able to open up to you about what's going on over time. Your primary goal should be to keep the lines of communication open with the person you really care about here, your brother.
And maybe things will be okay. I hear that the first year of marriage can be crazy and full of fights. Maybe they're just getting adjusted to each other.
About him wanting you to stay with her, it sounds to me like he wants you to see that everything is great and forgive her for what she did. You might address that directly to him. ("I'm sure we will become friends eventually. What will make me friends with her is seeing her treat you well over time. So, why don't I start getting to know her now, and we can save the idea of me staying there with you guys for another visit in the future?")
posted by salvia at 8:59 AM on May 5, 2008
Obviously you love your brother, but he has done everyone a great disservice by dumping their marital problems out in the open without following up on the resolution. Frame it that way and say that unless he is able to provide follow-up in the future, you can no longer be a shoulder to cry on, it's too destructive.
Tell him that because you care for him, and because you'd like him to be happy, you are going to have to start from scratch, and for that reason you won't be able to stay with them this time around but that you look forward to building a new relationship with them, and staying with them on future visits (and mean it).
Surely both he and his wife will understand your feelings of protectiveness for him and will make an effort to work with you on smoothing the rough edges. Assume this union is for the long haul and make the best of it. You don't want to lose your brother.
On preview, ditto the luke parker fiasco.
As an aside: people do strange and unpredictable things when they are dealing with grief (like the loss of a parent). Give her the benefit of the doubt on that one.
posted by lunaazul at 9:22 AM on May 5, 2008
Tell him that because you care for him, and because you'd like him to be happy, you are going to have to start from scratch, and for that reason you won't be able to stay with them this time around but that you look forward to building a new relationship with them, and staying with them on future visits (and mean it).
Surely both he and his wife will understand your feelings of protectiveness for him and will make an effort to work with you on smoothing the rough edges. Assume this union is for the long haul and make the best of it. You don't want to lose your brother.
On preview, ditto the luke parker fiasco.
As an aside: people do strange and unpredictable things when they are dealing with grief (like the loss of a parent). Give her the benefit of the doubt on that one.
posted by lunaazul at 9:22 AM on May 5, 2008
It's unrealistic for him to expect you to be bff with his wife on command, especially since he confided in you when they were having difficulties, and very sensible for you to stay in your own place. I get along wonderfully with all my extended family, and I still prefer to stay in a hotel. It's so easy for family events to become emotionally charged, and having a safe retreat is invaluable.
Tell your brother that you know that he is asking you to stay with him because he loves you and his wife very much, but that you need your own place this time. And keep repeating that every time he insists until he accepts it.
posted by happyturtle at 9:36 AM on May 5, 2008
Tell your brother that you know that he is asking you to stay with him because he loves you and his wife very much, but that you need your own place this time. And keep repeating that every time he insists until he accepts it.
posted by happyturtle at 9:36 AM on May 5, 2008
It makes sense not to stay with him. If for no other reason, than that if there is a chance for you and his wife to become friends, it sounds like that's not going to facilitate it even a little.
You should probably find some compassion for her. Hopefully your mom won't have to die for you to apprehend what an impact that can make.
posted by Salamandrous at 12:28 PM on May 5, 2008
You should probably find some compassion for her. Hopefully your mom won't have to die for you to apprehend what an impact that can make.
posted by Salamandrous at 12:28 PM on May 5, 2008
Your feelings and misgivings are completely understandable. He asked you to stay with them, but you know -- you just can't. Tell him that you're going to stay wherever, and the explanation should be about what you want, what's easier for you, etc.
Later on, when she dumps him again, he will really appreciate your (seeming) openness and kindness toward his wife, and your efforts to support him. As much as you can, show him a lot of love. When she's bitchy, just pretend she's having a bad day. Those two are headed for more trouble... and if you warn him or are standoffish now, he won't feel safe about confiding in you later, when he really needs you.
posted by wryly at 3:40 PM on May 5, 2008
Later on, when she dumps him again, he will really appreciate your (seeming) openness and kindness toward his wife, and your efforts to support him. As much as you can, show him a lot of love. When she's bitchy, just pretend she's having a bad day. Those two are headed for more trouble... and if you warn him or are standoffish now, he won't feel safe about confiding in you later, when he really needs you.
posted by wryly at 3:40 PM on May 5, 2008
I think it's in everyone's best interest that I stay somewhere else. Am I being a total b#$@h?
No, you're not being a b#$@h. Don't stay with them. Pay for your own hotel.
... but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy?
If they are both willing to work on the relationship, then yes. Either way, it's none of your business.
I feel like I'm coming across as a nosy annoying sister and I sould mind my own business
Yes, exactly. It would be helpful if you were less judgmental of someone you've met "a handful of times". You've heard your brother's side of things. His wife probably has her own version of events. You are not entitled to her side of the story - you are not entitled to judge her or their relationship.
posted by 26.2 at 10:26 PM on May 5, 2008
No, you're not being a b#$@h. Don't stay with them. Pay for your own hotel.
... but when someone wants a divorce and then reneges on it, can that relationship really be saved? Without therapy?
If they are both willing to work on the relationship, then yes. Either way, it's none of your business.
I feel like I'm coming across as a nosy annoying sister and I sould mind my own business
Yes, exactly. It would be helpful if you were less judgmental of someone you've met "a handful of times". You've heard your brother's side of things. His wife probably has her own version of events. You are not entitled to her side of the story - you are not entitled to judge her or their relationship.
posted by 26.2 at 10:26 PM on May 5, 2008
I'm a little late to this thread, but I also dislike my brother's wife for various reasons (she racist, can be selfish, etc.) I keep the peace by talking about neutral topics, which for us amounts to pets, outrage at discourteous retailers, and shared annoyance at my father's perpetual lateness. I stay the hell away from talking about politics, religion, or race relations.
posted by bananafish at 11:27 AM on May 6, 2008
posted by bananafish at 11:27 AM on May 6, 2008
While I have no actual siblings, I went through something similar with a friend of mine who is like a brother to me.
His wife and I have gotten along like gasoline and a lit match. I thought she wasn't good enough for him and she was a bit jealous that I held so high a rank in his life. It didn't help that he would spill their marital problems to me at length all the time. It got to the point of me skipping their wedding because I didn't believe I would be able to hold my tongue when the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part came.
Then it hit me one day....much as I care, this has nothing to do with me. I aired my feelings about the whole thing to him, but he still persevered with her. That meant that she obviously had some quality he cherished enough to put up with the fights and all that. It was hard, but I have been managing for a few months now. I have since apologized to them both and have tried my best to understand her. It's not easy, but I also realize that I don't know both sides of the story.
You also have to bear in mind, as other have mentioned, that grief can mess with someone pretty bad. This was her mother who died, not just some distant relative. You don't know what was going on with that story. For all you know, she could have been dealing with guilt over eloping with your brother because HER mom didn't approve. There is a number of things that could have been going on that drove her to decide she wanted the divorce. You've only heard your brothers side. It's possible that perhaps, later on, once you've gotten to know her better she'll tell you her side. Or you may never know. It is still not your place to judge at this time.
To make a looong post short, don't stay with them. Either go with your parents or find yourself a hotel. Nothing good could come of staying somewhere you don't want to be.
posted by arishaun at 1:40 PM on May 6, 2008
His wife and I have gotten along like gasoline and a lit match. I thought she wasn't good enough for him and she was a bit jealous that I held so high a rank in his life. It didn't help that he would spill their marital problems to me at length all the time. It got to the point of me skipping their wedding because I didn't believe I would be able to hold my tongue when the "speak now or forever hold your peace" part came.
Then it hit me one day....much as I care, this has nothing to do with me. I aired my feelings about the whole thing to him, but he still persevered with her. That meant that she obviously had some quality he cherished enough to put up with the fights and all that. It was hard, but I have been managing for a few months now. I have since apologized to them both and have tried my best to understand her. It's not easy, but I also realize that I don't know both sides of the story.
You also have to bear in mind, as other have mentioned, that grief can mess with someone pretty bad. This was her mother who died, not just some distant relative. You don't know what was going on with that story. For all you know, she could have been dealing with guilt over eloping with your brother because HER mom didn't approve. There is a number of things that could have been going on that drove her to decide she wanted the divorce. You've only heard your brothers side. It's possible that perhaps, later on, once you've gotten to know her better she'll tell you her side. Or you may never know. It is still not your place to judge at this time.
To make a looong post short, don't stay with them. Either go with your parents or find yourself a hotel. Nothing good could come of staying somewhere you don't want to be.
posted by arishaun at 1:40 PM on May 6, 2008
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posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:23 AM on May 5, 2008