How do I let him know I want to go on another date?
April 18, 2008 8:21 AM Subscribe
I've gone on two dates with a guy I met online. Our second date, last Friday, ended with some groping and making out. He wanted me to sleep over his place, but I decided not to. The next day we chatted online, he said he had a great time and I did too. He called me on Monday the day after we had a flirty/ close to booty call text session. I let him know I wanted to see him again. I was hoping he would ask me out again, because i don't want to go straight to his place to see him again. I'd like to go on another date or two before we hit the sheets. How should I let him know in better words? Should I go ahead an ask him out on a date, if he doesn't?
Make plans for the both of you. Find something going on in your area that you'd like to see and then when you talk to your guy again say, "Oh, this thing is in town this week, I'd really like to check that out." Have an alternative or two.
Be aware of the costs involved and keep an eye toward free or low cost events that you can quickly bail on if it's not that fun. Museum tours, walks in the park, etc.
This is a good opportunity for him to get to know you. So you should pick something that interests you. Alternatively you should take him to a place or involve him in an activity that you really like. Say, "I just love people watching at the park," etc.
Unless the guy is a control freak he'll be relieved that you've taken some of the initiative for planning a fun evening.
posted by wfrgms at 8:34 AM on April 18, 2008
Be aware of the costs involved and keep an eye toward free or low cost events that you can quickly bail on if it's not that fun. Museum tours, walks in the park, etc.
This is a good opportunity for him to get to know you. So you should pick something that interests you. Alternatively you should take him to a place or involve him in an activity that you really like. Say, "I just love people watching at the park," etc.
Unless the guy is a control freak he'll be relieved that you've taken some of the initiative for planning a fun evening.
posted by wfrgms at 8:34 AM on April 18, 2008
Yeah, just ask him out. Spend the late afternoon doing something fun and then have a nice dinner. You'll know by the end of the dinner what you want to do.
posted by gjc at 8:35 AM on April 18, 2008
posted by gjc at 8:35 AM on April 18, 2008
I would not tell him "one or two" dates or any number for that matter. Otherwise you'll have a countdown to sexy time on your hands.
posted by cuando at 8:37 AM on April 18, 2008
posted by cuando at 8:37 AM on April 18, 2008
yeah, what crunch buttsteak said. Just be straight forward about it and clear. Honesty really is the best policy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:37 AM on April 18, 2008
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:37 AM on April 18, 2008
Take the initiative and plan the next date (or two). That way you control the surroundings and it doesn't necessarily start & end at his house. If it going back to his place comes up you can talk about it then, but I'd suggest you do it before any heavy making out sessions so terms are clear beforehand.
posted by lilac girl at 8:46 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by lilac girl at 8:46 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Just tell him - if he's really a good guy he will respect your wishes. There is no reason to have to hide your request, just come out and tell him.
You may want to slow down from the groping though and as it may be sending mixed messages - either way you are calling the shots.
posted by doorsfan at 8:48 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
You may want to slow down from the groping though and as it may be sending mixed messages - either way you are calling the shots.
posted by doorsfan at 8:48 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I might get flamed for this but years of experience tells me this: I don't care what men say. If he wants to go out with you again, he'll call you and ask you out.
You can come up with fiftyleven reasons why he hasn't asked yet. You can say you're a modern woman and ask him but you really should wait for him to ask you .... and then have a great time and tell him emphatically that you dig him but want to get to know him before getting physical. Just my two cents.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:49 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
You can come up with fiftyleven reasons why he hasn't asked yet. You can say you're a modern woman and ask him but you really should wait for him to ask you .... and then have a great time and tell him emphatically that you dig him but want to get to know him before getting physical. Just my two cents.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 8:49 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
you really should wait for him to ask you .... pray tell, why? you want something, you ASK FOR IT. period.
posted by spicynuts at 8:57 AM on April 18, 2008
posted by spicynuts at 8:57 AM on April 18, 2008
If you want something, don't ask for nothing! If you want nothing, don't ask for something!
posted by ludwig_van at 9:01 AM on April 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by ludwig_van at 9:01 AM on April 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
Some things don't change. I say this from my experience and those of many, many women I know. Let him ask you...yes, in the 21st Century.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:07 AM on April 18, 2008
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:07 AM on April 18, 2008
Speaking as a man, there is nothing hotter to me than a woman who makes it clear that she wants me, as long as the feeling is mutual.
So if you want the guy, feel free to show interest. This idea that you have to play hard-to-get, when you're actually not, is ridiculous. A woman who is actually hard to get can be fun to pursue, but if you've had a heavy make-out session on the second date, he already knows you are attracted to him. At this point, playing games is a turn-off.
posted by kindall at 9:15 AM on April 18, 2008
So if you want the guy, feel free to show interest. This idea that you have to play hard-to-get, when you're actually not, is ridiculous. A woman who is actually hard to get can be fun to pursue, but if you've had a heavy make-out session on the second date, he already knows you are attracted to him. At this point, playing games is a turn-off.
posted by kindall at 9:15 AM on April 18, 2008
Well, I don't want to derail, but -- were I single -- I would LOVE for a woman to ask me out. It's a drag having to be the asker all the time. Maybe the "experience of many, many women" is just the same thing that men experience all the time. Men ask girls out; girls decline. Just because women are experiencing the same thing, it doesn't follow that women shouldn't ask men out. Asking people out is a numbers game.
In certain conservative / traditional circles, I'm sure men do get offended when women do the asking. My experience is with more liberal people. Amongst my set, I can't imagine a single guy who would be put off by being asked out. Unless he just happens to not like the asker.
posted by grumblebee at 9:22 AM on April 18, 2008
In certain conservative / traditional circles, I'm sure men do get offended when women do the asking. My experience is with more liberal people. Amongst my set, I can't imagine a single guy who would be put off by being asked out. Unless he just happens to not like the asker.
posted by grumblebee at 9:22 AM on April 18, 2008
Heck, I'll speak up as a single guy. In the 21st Century. Ask Him Out.
Period.
If he's into you, he will say yes.
Leave the outcome of the date(s) out of the equation.
You want the focus to be on getting to know him, then make sure the dates are conducive to that.
Sure a little slap and tickle isn't bad just to make sure that everyone is on the same page, but if you don't want to breaking out the Trojans, then keep it casual and public.
Have fun!
posted by willmize at 9:30 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Period.
If he's into you, he will say yes.
Leave the outcome of the date(s) out of the equation.
You want the focus to be on getting to know him, then make sure the dates are conducive to that.
Sure a little slap and tickle isn't bad just to make sure that everyone is on the same page, but if you don't want to breaking out the Trojans, then keep it casual and public.
Have fun!
posted by willmize at 9:30 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I say this from my experience and those of many, many women I know. Let him ask you...yes, in the 21st Century.
Eh, that kind of advice is fine for people who like to sit around passively waiting for someone else to give them what they want. I find that boring, and I wouldn't want to date anyone who expected me to do so. YMMV. Plan a nice date and ask this fellow out. Keep in mind that the two date marker is when many things fizzle out, so he may say no for any number of reasons. If that happens, take it on the chin and don't be scared to get right back out there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:37 AM on April 18, 2008 [4 favorites]
Eh, that kind of advice is fine for people who like to sit around passively waiting for someone else to give them what they want. I find that boring, and I wouldn't want to date anyone who expected me to do so. YMMV. Plan a nice date and ask this fellow out. Keep in mind that the two date marker is when many things fizzle out, so he may say no for any number of reasons. If that happens, take it on the chin and don't be scared to get right back out there.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:37 AM on April 18, 2008 [4 favorites]
I say this from my experience and those of many, many women I know. Plan a date and ask him out.
posted by gaspode at 10:04 AM on April 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 10:04 AM on April 18, 2008 [2 favorites]
I have never asked a girl out, and actually gotten a date. And yet, I'm married, wasn't a virgin before I met my wife, and had high single digits of girlfriends.
Heck, as I have a lot of trouble catching the messages that people are trying to send, many times the girl also had to take all the initiative for 2nd, 3rd, and more dates because I thought she wasn't into me. Sure, there will be some people like Foxy who are the female version of my, and there will be some men who will be extremely turned off by you asking for more dates.
But if you want another date, and he hasn't asked you despite you thinking that you gave him a good setup, then I say ask him out. If nothing else, it appears that you don't want him just for sex, so why not start a relationship off well with communication as crunch buttsteak suggests?
posted by nobeagle at 10:12 AM on April 18, 2008
Heck, as I have a lot of trouble catching the messages that people are trying to send, many times the girl also had to take all the initiative for 2nd, 3rd, and more dates because I thought she wasn't into me. Sure, there will be some people like Foxy who are the female version of my, and there will be some men who will be extremely turned off by you asking for more dates.
But if you want another date, and he hasn't asked you despite you thinking that you gave him a good setup, then I say ask him out. If nothing else, it appears that you don't want him just for sex, so why not start a relationship off well with communication as crunch buttsteak suggests?
posted by nobeagle at 10:12 AM on April 18, 2008
You talked on Monday, right? And it's Friday? Find something fun to do this weekend, and if he calls and says "Hey, why don't you come over?" Then suggest your alternate plan. (And if he doesn't call, then hey, you have something fun to do this weekend.)
I'd wait until after the weekend before you ask him out. If he doesn't call, call him Sunday evening and invite him to do something. Good luck!
posted by eleyna at 12:13 PM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'd wait until after the weekend before you ask him out. If he doesn't call, call him Sunday evening and invite him to do something. Good luck!
posted by eleyna at 12:13 PM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind that the two date marker is when many things fizzle out, so he may say no for any number of reasons.
Which is precisely why I think she should wait. If they'd been dating for a few weeks, had five or six dates, I'd say, sure, ask him. But at this stage, when she may be sizzlin' and he may be fizzlin', I say wait.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 2:07 PM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Which is precisely why I think she should wait. If they'd been dating for a few weeks, had five or six dates, I'd say, sure, ask him. But at this stage, when she may be sizzlin' and he may be fizzlin', I say wait.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 2:07 PM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
if you are not going to be putting out i advise picking up the check. It lets him know that you value his company for company sake and that you are interested in bringing something to the table. You need to woo him like a man woo a woman with gifts if you are not bringing the traditional response.
posted by Rolandkorn at 2:24 PM on April 18, 2008
posted by Rolandkorn at 2:24 PM on April 18, 2008
Holy shit.
I'm sure everyone here has had their own individual experience.. but what some of you people are implying is that, during the dating process, I'm unequivocally supposed to be the only person psyched, excited, attracted enough to the girl to call her and ask her out!?
If it goes on like that for very long, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna start feeling a little off about it. Has she got so much important, pressing shit at hand that she can't ring me up at some point? I hate even the implication of scripted attraction, scripted dating, scripted relationships. That the girl has to wait until the guy calls implies that the girl is supposed to be the coy, hard-to-get one, all the time. Yeah, there is such a thing as coming on too strong, but if they're already getting to know each other physically, don't you think they're done with the slipping-notes-into-each-other's -lockers phase?
If what you have on your hands is a modern man who is attracted to you and has demonstrated as such, he will respond favorably to you asking him out, as plenty of us have already attested. If for some reason he backs off or tries to string you along because you were "coming on too strong" (BULLSHIT.) then you've discovered that he is a self-centered, manipulative douchebag, and you win for finding out early.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2008 [3 favorites]
I'm sure everyone here has had their own individual experience.. but what some of you people are implying is that, during the dating process, I'm unequivocally supposed to be the only person psyched, excited, attracted enough to the girl to call her and ask her out!?
If it goes on like that for very long, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna start feeling a little off about it. Has she got so much important, pressing shit at hand that she can't ring me up at some point? I hate even the implication of scripted attraction, scripted dating, scripted relationships. That the girl has to wait until the guy calls implies that the girl is supposed to be the coy, hard-to-get one, all the time. Yeah, there is such a thing as coming on too strong, but if they're already getting to know each other physically, don't you think they're done with the slipping-notes-into-each-other's -lockers phase?
If what you have on your hands is a modern man who is attracted to you and has demonstrated as such, he will respond favorably to you asking him out, as plenty of us have already attested. If for some reason he backs off or tries to string you along because you were "coming on too strong" (BULLSHIT.) then you've discovered that he is a self-centered, manipulative douchebag, and you win for finding out early.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2008 [3 favorites]
Eh, that kind of advice is fine for people who like to sit around passively waiting for someone else to give them what they want. I find that boring, and I wouldn't want to date anyone who expected me to do so.
Upon reading through again, EXACTLY!
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:37 PM on April 18, 2008
Upon reading through again, EXACTLY!
posted by crunch buttsteak at 2:37 PM on April 18, 2008
nthing ask him out..and if the sex convo comes up , be direct with the 'i'm totally into you and its gonna be great when it happens, but i've rushed things in the past so i'd like to take it a little slow for now. dont worry i wont make you wait too long' ... something like that...
posted by softlord at 6:56 PM on April 18, 2008
posted by softlord at 6:56 PM on April 18, 2008
Ask him out -- but for a date that is not a straightforward prelim-to-the-sexy. Birdwatching trip in the afternoon with the elderly Audubon-ists, for example, or something else that isn't naked sushi and strip poker. That gets you more dating time, without being such a direct "come into my bedroom" invitation.
The whole girls shouldn't ask out guys thing doesn't resonate with my experience. But I also know a few guys who would not be cool, honestly, with a girl asking them out. But that's like, a girl asking him out, out of the blue, like coming up, asking his phone number, and then calling him the next day and paying for his dinner. A girl they've already been on some dates with? They'd be delighted if she called up and invited them to do something fun. They may be neanderthals, but they are lazy and poon-hungry neanderthals, and are happy when a woman does some of the work for them. Not to stereotype or anything, much.
posted by Forktine at 8:01 PM on April 18, 2008
The whole girls shouldn't ask out guys thing doesn't resonate with my experience. But I also know a few guys who would not be cool, honestly, with a girl asking them out. But that's like, a girl asking him out, out of the blue, like coming up, asking his phone number, and then calling him the next day and paying for his dinner. A girl they've already been on some dates with? They'd be delighted if she called up and invited them to do something fun. They may be neanderthals, but they are lazy and poon-hungry neanderthals, and are happy when a woman does some of the work for them. Not to stereotype or anything, much.
posted by Forktine at 8:01 PM on April 18, 2008
during the dating process, I'm unequivocally supposed to be the only person psyched, excited, attracted enough to the girl to call her and ask her out!
Psyched, excited, and attracted has nothing to do with it. What the advice is, is that the woman should not call the man no matter how psyched, excited, or attracted she is.
Which is, as many people have pointed out, silly.
posted by kindall at 8:40 PM on April 18, 2008
Psyched, excited, and attracted has nothing to do with it. What the advice is, is that the woman should not call the man no matter how psyched, excited, or attracted she is.
Which is, as many people have pointed out, silly.
posted by kindall at 8:40 PM on April 18, 2008
if you are not going to be putting out i advise picking up the check.
Because a woman owes a man something. Please.
Go ahead and ask him out. Seriously. It's that simple. Best to just be direct, in my opinion and experience.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:12 PM on April 18, 2008
Because a woman owes a man something. Please.
Go ahead and ask him out. Seriously. It's that simple. Best to just be direct, in my opinion and experience.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:12 PM on April 18, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you want to be sneaky about it, invite him out to places where you aren't going to be having sex. Go to a concert/musical/movie, and then go home afterwards.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:32 AM on April 18, 2008 [2 favorites]