Definitely the easiest way out...

December 29, 2007 9:39 AM

Complete communication shut down as a means of ending a relationship: How often is this employed? And why can't people have some courtesy?

Some background, but kept short:

Met girl on internets. Chatted for several weeks. Found we dug each other a bunch. Met in person. Had an amazing 12 hour date. She lives about 45 minutes away, with a nasty ex so she doesn't spend much time doing stuff except avoiding him in her room.

We've "dated" (read: dinner/sex/whatever) a total of five times over the past two-three months. (Yes, I know, not many times, but we talk every day.) Communicate mostly over text message, occasionally over MSN and more rarely over phone. Went on a trip up north together, had a magnificent time, she gushed about it the entire next week and her plans for me the next time we could go up.

The girl makes extremely clear that she's smitten with me, over and over throughout lots of texts and that she's started gushing to friends and such. We establish, mostly in passing, that neither of us are looking to sleep with or date anyone else at the moment.

Last Friday, I got a text from her after I told her going up north again was a no go (for reasons beyond my control; something I had given fair warning may occur.) It read: "I miss you too, sorry I've been ignoring my phone so much; holidays are the only time I'm busy and I think that flu shot made me sick."

That was it. I haven't heard from her since, 8 days now. We've gone from texting/communicating in some form just about every day to that. I left her a MySpace that said "Hey, is everything alright, I haven't heard from you since Friday... If you're not really wanting to talk to me for some reason, that's cool but please let me know so I know you're alright."

She's read it and since been on MySpace, but no response. I had also tried to call twice, no answer to that or a couple of texts I had sent. (Avoiding to the best of my ability any desperation.)

So, like... what the fuck?

I spoke to a friend who said this has happened to him before, but it's *completely* vexing that a girl with whom the sexual chemistry is just... amazing, who gushes about you a LOT and who keeps begging for more hanging out and being around you would just... stop.

There were no fights, no conflicts, nothing. The likeliness of her magically getting back with her ex are so ridiculously low I can't even conceive that'd happen. And so I just have no clue what's up.

Is this in vogue? Or is it just a convenient way to avoid any conflict? Why break up with someone at all when you can just not. speak. to. them? That sort of thing?

Am I totally off base for wanting *some* closure? I'm not even talking an "it's not you it's me" chat, since it was almost asymptote-like in its precipitous drop off. I'm saying, let me know that we're done at least... Is that too much to ask? Or are we no longer even remotely courteous?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Perhaps she's married, got caught cheating and is hiding out to avoid further conflict. If your understanding of her relationship status only comes from her, that's possible.
posted by Scram at 9:50 AM on December 29, 2007

If she's sick and/or out of town with family, 8 days isn't that long. Wait until after the holidays, since she said she'd be busy, then try to contact her.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:03 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]

FWIW, a guy did this to me once. I suppose that when your primary means of communication are electronic (as opposed to working with someone and having to see them in person daily) it's easier just to cut things off when you tire of the relationship.

You might never know why it ended. The best thing is to just move on.
posted by christinetheslp at 10:03 AM on December 29, 2007 [3 favorites]

Lives with the exboyfriend? As my wise old Uncle Tommy once told me: "I bet she's cuttin' him again."

Maybe you were just a vacation from her relationship, something really fun to have around because she didn't have to take it too seriously but also something she never really planned on having in her 'real' life.
posted by ZackTM at 10:07 AM on December 29, 2007

Is this in vogue? Or is it just a convenient way to avoid any conflict? Why break up with someone at all when you can just not. speak. to. them? That sort of thing?

In vogue? You're looking at it the wrong way.

This happened to me somewhat recently. Had been dating someone for around a month. Things were going very well and then -- poof -- she was done. Literally overnight.

What you have here is a situation where you were too smitten to see beneath the surface. (And you haven't really spent enough face time with her to have gotten to that point, anyway.) It's easier to focus on the gushy, mutually-smitten, sexy-sexy girl than it is to dig down and really get to know someone. (And again, you never really got to tactually know her. Not really. Maybe you thought you did, but that's different.)

To quote an overused trope, she was never really that into it -- she just said she was, and maybe she even thought it at the time. And now she's realized that she's not and she's too much of a wienie to admit it.

It stings like hell and it's confusing and illogical and nonsensical. But, in the end, you're much better off. Problem is, it takes several months and/or a new love interest to make that sink in.

Sorry.

Unless she really is just swamped with the holidays. But dude, it's not hard to send a text message. Takes no time at all. And if that's been your primary form of communication, it's not going out of the way to do it. So yeah, chances of it actually being holiday fatigue are very, very slim. She's just a chickenshit, and she probably feels guilty. GOOD. Let her.

P.S.: Dollars to donuts she's a Gemini. And I don't even believe in that shit.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:10 AM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]

Tactually = actually.
posted by mudpuppie at 10:12 AM on December 29, 2007

much like houndstooth patterns this season, stonewalling and other forms of absenteeism can be both in vogue as well as timeless classics. I'm sorry this has happened to you. My best advice is to try to enjoy what you had, hold onto the good parts, and let the rest fade from memory.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:13 AM on December 29, 2007 [4 favorites]

Some folks are awfully ready to tell you it's over. Which it might be. But on the other hand I can think of a number of scenarios — admittedly, most of which rely on her being somewhat flakey or unable to completely deal — that would explain her recent behavior. As fun as it's been, you really can't know each other well enough after just five dates. Just as you don't know what's going on in her head right now, she may not know that she can trust you/turn to you with some recently arisen problem/crisis/whatev. I wouldn't write her off just yet.

Be persistent in your attempt to hear from her. 8 days with no response? You can't trust that *she* actually read that MySpace message. At this point, concern for her welfare should lead you to drive the 45 minutes to check on her, but of course you'll want to let her know you're coming. When she gets that message, she'll either get in touch to stop you or she won't. Either way you'll be out of this limbo world.
posted by mumkin at 10:33 AM on December 29, 2007 [3 favorites]

If I were you I'd make it clear that I know things are busy for her around the holidays and I am looking forward to hearing from her when the dust settles. Holidays are really wierd times and you don't know what she may be caught up in. Give her the benefit of the doubt... be patient but constant.
posted by MiffyCLB at 10:53 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]

Opposite to what you'd expect, the very-smitten, breathless beginnings often mean that there's not a lot of substance there... for half of the couple, anyway. I'm so sorry... it's confusing and it hurts terribly to have the door slammed shut like that. If she were into you, she wouldn't have been ignoring her phone at all, so don't hold on to hope that she'd contact you if only she could. You're right -- she ought to send you one stinking sentence saying that it was fun but she's lost the feeling.
posted by wryly at 11:40 AM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]

Am I totally off base for wanting *some* closure? I'm not even talking an "it's not you it's me" chat, since it was almost asymptote-like in its precipitous drop off. I'm saying, let me know that we're done at least... Is that too much to ask? Or are we no longer even remotely courteous?

yes, yes, and yes. i couldn't tell you how many times guys have just disappeared on me and my girl friends. this kind of thing happens all the time, with ppl of both sexes. all. the. time.

and it will just drive you nuts trying to speculate the whys and wherefores of her disappearance because the bottom line is: when someone really likes you, they don't just disappear like that. period. even if she was caught up in the holidays or whatever other "likely" excuse you come up with, it would take less than a minute to text you something along the lines of: "hey, i'm sorry, i'm super busy right now but i'll get back to you soon"—particularly if you guys texted on a regular basis.

move on. seriously. if you hear back from her, proceed with caution because why would you want to be with someone who treated you like that?
posted by violetk at 12:30 PM on December 29, 2007 [3 favorites]

is it just a convenient way to avoid any conflict?
yes. a lot of people fear and avoid conflict. Always have, always will. Is it rude and inconsiderate? Yes, very much so. But a lot of people take the easy way out. That's why it's called the easy way.

violetk has it exactly right. Whether she has an ex- who came back into the picture, met someone new, or is just plain flaky, it doesn't really matter. She has, unfortunately, showed what kind of person she is, and you should just move on. The best you can hope for is to force her into an awkward conversation and a shitty, insincere excuse, and then never speak to her again anyway.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:40 PM on December 29, 2007

You can't trust that *she* actually read that MySpace message. At this point, concern for her welfare should lead you to drive the 45 minutes to check on her, but of course you'll want to let her know you're coming. When she gets that message, she'll either get in touch to stop you or she won't. Either way you'll be out of this limbo world.

And ps Oh My Dear Lord what? This would be a great answer if the q had been "how do I become the recipient of a restraining order?" but please just listen to violetk. This has happened to me before, more or less, and it sucks. Sorry.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:43 PM on December 29, 2007

Yeah i think I would avoid the 45 minute uninvited drive up to see her. It sounds like she has family and stuff, so she's probably not dead or anything.

I have been in the same position. It's tough and sucks. I'd just try to say to myself eff her, do my best to not let it color my judgement of women in general and brush myself off and move on.

Real good chance she'll call you in two months, sounding extremely friendly and like nothing at all is weird and not apologizing for not calling. Perhaps bringing up something that you'd talked about, like it was yesterday. That's my experience, anyway.
posted by sully75 at 2:20 PM on December 29, 2007

I guess the answer is "no, we are no longer even remotely courteous." Anonymous, you and I share an apparently antiquated sense of social mores. Wanna head on over to the malt shop?
posted by mumkin at 2:22 PM on December 29, 2007

At this point I would send a message to her saying, "I'm assuming we're through. If I'm incorrect I'd appreciate an explanation." And try my hardest to leave off, "And have a nice life."

But I'm the type to end relationships as soon as possible, at the first sign of trouble, so you might not want to listen to me.
posted by iguanapolitico at 3:54 PM on December 29, 2007

Yes, a convenient way to say to avoid conflict, for some...and most likely the worst relationship-ending maneuver to exist. The party left hanging can find themselves questioning everything under the sun for quite a long time, until they realize that they were involved with an immature partner and thus are better off in the long run. I'm sorry this happened to you. Unless there is bodily harm involved, you will likely not hear from her again. The bright side...you weren't involved for years on end, so do your best to move on.
posted by Asherah at 5:02 PM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]

5 dates over 2 months is hardly a "relationship" in any case. SO much drama. Maybe she lost her cell phone. Maybe she isn't in to it. Maybe her jealous ex is not really so ex and found out about it, maybe, maybe, maybe . .

Have you not tried just calling instead of texting?

Anyway, toss this one back. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:53 PM on December 29, 2007

It finally clicked with me at some point in my adult dating life that you can never truly know what people are thinking or feeling. The best you can hope for is that you become reasonably empathetic to other people so you can treat them as fairly as possible in all things, not just relationships.

She is certainly not being very empathetic towards you or your feelings. Unfortunately you really can't judge her behavior because you don't know what the circumstances are. There are lots of potential explanations up thread ranging from the contemptible (has a husband) to the benign (tied up with holiday stuff.) In the end though her unknowable reasons for dropping you really don't matter do they?

I mean, functionally what is the difference between her just dropping you without explanation or taking the time to "explain things." Would you really feel better? Really?

I will say that my relationships (even friendships) that relied disproportionately on passive electronic communication such as text messaging, emailing, and such have often been disappointingly brief or rather not very solid. (Indeed, I just ignored a chat window from a former girlfriend as I was typing this - if she had called me I would have stopped what I was doing and answered the phone. Well, maybe.)

Be aware that because of the vagueness surrounding this break up you're still entitled to one follow up contact. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling and leaving a voice mail. I'd say something along the lines of, "I'm not clear on what happened, but I hope you're doing well. I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, if want to catch up sometime in the future, give me a call. Take care, bye."

I wouldn't obsess over her anymore though. Certainly stop checking her myspace page for signs of life. You need to move on.
posted by wfrgms at 7:45 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]

It is entirely possible she's extremely busy having an absolutely terrible time with the holidays and family. She would enjoy your chilling out and being patient, while she navigates the open field of emotional booby-traps that the "Happy Holidays" can be in many families. By staying quiet, she can spare you from being splattered with the shit that is her holiday world.

But that's my optimistic view! My pessimistic view is, your needy pleadings have already turned her totally off. I hope the former is correct. I'm a sentimental slob when it comes to romance.
posted by Goofyy at 6:48 AM on December 30, 2007

You want to find out what happened? Your best bet is to cut off communication.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:52 PM on December 30, 2007