What the hell is wrong with my brother?

October 15, 2007 3:05 PM

My 20-year-old brother has cut off contact with me and our parents, dropped out of school, and dug himself into debt. One visit from our dad went well but made no actual difference. What the hell is going on, and should I bother visiting him?

My brother (let's call him John) is 20, living in Western Washington, where he goes to school. Our parents live in Eastern Washington, and I'm in San Francisco. I haven't seen John since Christmas 2005.

Over the summer John stayed on campus to work, and our parents started getting some really interesting mail, for which John made a series of implausible excuses. He failed a class because his professor was just mad at him for dumping his girlfriend, for example. He couldn't get hold of the registrar to sort it out because they were moving offices. Oh, and he paid me back the money I loaned him, but the bank must've screwed up. Etc. He stopped returning my and our parents' phone calls and emails. He stopped paying his phone bill, which was in Dad's name, so Dad got stuck with the fees.

I called John at work in August and got a list of excuses and a promise to email home. Nothing. Then I discovered that his new address and phone number were visible to me on Facebook, and passed those along to our parents. Dad drove over in September, and there were lots of tears on both sides, and John promised to call Mom and so on and so on. Nothing.

Our dad is kind of crazy and a control freak. Mom's sane, but can be a serious bitch. I don't blame John for maintaining silence for a few days or a week; I've contemplated cutting off all contact with our parents, although never very seriously. But this three-month blackout is unprecedented. Our parents went pretty quickly from "call home right now young man" to "sweetie, please just let us know that you're okay." It's weird because he and I have always been pretty close--united against The Parents--and he seems to have decided that I'm the enemy too.

Dad's gotten in touch with the campus ombudsperson (or equivalent) and learned that he's still working at his campus job, and his supervisor says he's a great worker and always shows up on time. So he is working.

My guess is he doesn't have a serious substance abuse problem, or his supervisor would've noticed. If he'd joined a cult, I'd probably be able to tell from Facebook. I know he's had a new girlfriend since April, but she was out of state all summer and is studying abroad now; that's emotionally draining, but not time-consuming. I left him a snarky public comment on Facebook about cutting off contact and he claimed "I'm not cutting off contact, I've just been busy."

It would make sense if he just couldn't deal with our parents anymore. But Dad has John's old cell now, and calls come in for John from debt collectors almost daily. Because of his grades, he lost financial aid, so he's out of school this semester. He also didn't come home for his friend's wedding in September, and he was supposed to be a groomsman; he didn't even call to tell her he wouldn't be coming.

So... what the hell is wrong with my brother? And should I take my dad up on his offer of a plane ticket, and fly up from SF to visit John? If I go up, what should I say? "I understand why you don't want to talk to our parents, and you're a grown-up, so have a nice life, and let me know if you want to learn how to deal with bad credit and massive debt"?

I don't know what else I can do.

posted by moonlet to Human Relations (28 answers total)

i don't know if anything is wrong with your brother. a lot of people his age try to reinvent themselves and cut ties to their past. i don't know why he has turned against you, except that perhaps he thinks he will never be free of your parents unless he cuts off contact with you, too.

but, there's pretty much not much you can do besides express your hurt. he might just be self-involved and immature. he might be depressed. he might have serious issues with his parents that he should address with therapy, but you can't do any of those things.

my sister, for what it's worth, is much the same way. it hurts a lot, but it is what it is.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:12 PM on October 15, 2007

"I understand why you don't want to talk to our parents, and you're a grown-up, so have a nice life, and let me know if you want to learn how to deal with bad credit and massive debt"

This is basically it, yeah. You might want to throw an "I love you" in there. Also a "feel free to call me if you need anything." Don't guilt him into anything.

I would OFFER to visit, but don't show up uninvited. He is an adult, even if he's not acting like one, and treating him like an errant kid isn't going to make him more mature. You cannot control what a 20 year old does.

I was pretty stupid and stubborn at his age, and I ran off to San Francisco and spent all my money. I got over myself, swallowed my pride and came back home. Got a job, went to college, yadda yadda. But while I was away, there was NO convincing me that I was on the wrong track.
posted by desjardins at 3:12 PM on October 15, 2007

Is there anything irrational/paranoid about the letters he sent, as in slightly-unhinged from reality? This is an age when schizophrenia often first starts to present. He's probably fine and just dealing with his own shit, but it might be worth looking up some warning signs of schizophrenia just in case. Early diagnosis can make a big difference.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 3:21 PM on October 15, 2007

implausible excuses
stopped returning phone calls
lots of tears on both sides...promised to call...Nothing
I've just been busy
his grades...out of school this semester
didn't come home for his friend's wedding...he didn't even call

You're going to have to suspect drugs. I can't speculate on what sort of drugs, but. Not that hard to hide from a supervisor, I shouldn't think, at least for a finite period.
posted by kmennie at 3:21 PM on October 15, 2007

Lots of people go astray at that age - lord knows I did. And while I didn't cut off contact with my family or anything, I certainly was rather "distant," despite living only a couple of hours away. So while the situations aren't really analogues, I would encourage you to *not* write your brother off. It may be that he's unsure of how to cut ties with your parents while maintaining a relationship with you. It may be that he's ashamed of his inability to handle his finances without the family's help, and that's affecting his relationship with you. My guess is that in a few years time, when he has figured out what it is he's trying to do, you'll be able to resurrect your relationship. *Unless* you try & force the issue now, which could easily do more harm than good.
posted by Banky_Edwards at 3:24 PM on October 15, 2007

It's weird because he and I have always been pretty close--united against The Parents--and he seems to have decided that I'm the enemy too.

Maybe because when he tried to pull away from The Parents, you've ratted him out to them several times, including giving them his address so that they could drive to his home to harass him?

I understand why you're worried; you have every reason to be. But I also understand why, from your brother's perspective, he's lumping you into the same category as your parents: you seem to be conspiring with the enemy. Unless you have reason to believe that he is in physical danger or has gone legally insane or unless he asks you to, you should not be telling your parents, whom you admit are crazy, things that you find out about your brother, either from him or from other sources. That's part of The Sibling Code.

If you want to get back into his good graces, I would suggest not intruding on his life unannounced, the way that your parents did. Write him a letter, on paper, via U.S. mail. Say exactly what you said above, with lots of "I love you," thrown in there, along with a promise never to needlessly rat him out to your parents again. Then, keep your promise. Love him, be there for him, be trustworthy, and help shield him from both the world and from your nutty parents. That's what being an older sibling is all about.
posted by decathecting at 3:26 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

20 years old is an age where a person is facing a lot of new sets of responsibilities without really having any experience with facing the consequences of failing at those responsibilities. Fucking up is a normal part of the process.

I may just be projecting from my own personal history, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some drinking/drug use involved in his recent rash of problems. Don't worry too much about it, I know a lot of people who went through it, started messing things up as a result, realized that they were messing things up and decided to straighten their lives out.

I know it's hard to watch this happening, and even harder to not watch because he won't let you know what's taking place in his life. You'll have to trust that he'll pull through, realize that his problems aren't as big and overwhelming as he currently thinks, and swallow his pride by coming back to everyone and apologizing for being such a twat.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 3:28 PM on October 15, 2007

Best answer: It might be drugs, or it might be him cutting the apron strings, but I did exactly those kinds of things (minus the flunking/dropping out, because I'd just graduated, though I did bail on the wedding of a close friend at the last minute) because I was depressed - and not a kinda-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life depressed, but the kind where you need drugs and regular therapy. I might be projecting; visit him for a few days and see how he really is.
posted by rtha at 3:29 PM on October 15, 2007

Response by poster: decathecting: Certainly, at this point, his refusal to contact me could be attributed to my having given our parents his address. But that was after two months of his not responding to my emails or phone calls, which were all "Are you okay? What's going on?" rather than "You owe me money! And you have to call Mom right now or else!" I gave them his address when I concluded that I didn't have anything to lose.
posted by moonlet at 3:39 PM on October 15, 2007

Seconding rtha...depression was my first thought upon reading your story. God knows my depressive episodes have led to strained and destroyed relationships.
posted by never used baby shoes at 3:41 PM on October 15, 2007

Response by poster: ...come to think of it, I'm not sure if he even knows I gave Dad his address, because Dad visited him at work.
posted by moonlet at 3:42 PM on October 15, 2007

My first thought on reading your post was that your brother is a closeted gay guy. Then you mentioned a girlfriend. I'm still thinking closeted gay (girlfriends don't mean much, he could just be coming out). The debt calls makes me think of gambling addict too.

Does he communicate electronically with you? If you can get him talking via e-mail/facebook, that might be an easier way to ask questions and have him answer them truthfully than face-to-face.
posted by BigVACub at 3:51 PM on October 15, 2007

On non-preview, he doesn't communicate with you electronically. Sometimes you have to let people make their own decisions and hope they come back to you.
posted by BigVACub at 3:53 PM on October 15, 2007

You could call him because _you_ need/want to talk to him; don't burden him with your problems, don't rub his face in your successes, just chat because he's your brother, he's now an adult, and it's nice to talk to someone who understands your life (and your crazy parents) the way he does.

Mention casually that you won't communicate anything to your parents that he doesn't want you to (with whatever exceptions you feel are super important), since he's now an adult.

That's a way to open the channel of communication between you and him. Ask a favor, make a friend.

I'm pretty separated from my family, but I do talk to my brother sometimes -- now that he's stopped trying to guilt-trip me all the time, and stopped trying to convince me to talk to my parents. I'm almost ready to talk to my parents, but I can tell you that pressure from my sibling -- who sort of understands, but can't possibly understand completely -- has not encouraged this.
posted by amtho at 4:06 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

(instead of call, you could write.

You might also ask for an invitation to see him, and maybe include a self-addressed, stamped envelope to make it super-easy for him to reply -- if he is depressed, finding a stamp, paper, addressing the envelope could be overwhelming).
posted by amtho at 4:08 PM on October 15, 2007

This sounds like a typical college-aged episode of finding himself, experimenting with independence, and trying to sort out how he feels about your crazy parents.

I see no reason to suspect drugs or anything else bad. If it were something like that, he'd be a mess at his job, too.
posted by jayder at 4:11 PM on October 15, 2007

Oh come on! Forget the drugs, alcohol, depression, gayness. You have no evidence of this. This is a twenty year old guy working out the problems of independence, identity, and maturity. He's been controlled at an extreme level and your attention is evidence of this.

I'm a true believer in the Little Bo Peep approach to life i.e. "leave him alone and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him".
posted by Xurando at 4:13 PM on October 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

You need to leave your brother alone and let him make his own mistakes. If your father is as controlling as you say, then I would imagine his mistakes are par for the course for a sheltered younger child, which is probably what your brother is to you. I think the question you should really yourself is: Why won't I give my brother the right to have his own life? Then, think about why you can't just live your own life too.
posted by parmanparman at 4:16 PM on October 15, 2007

Best answer: I think Jayder, Xurando and others have it. Stuff like drugs and gay and schizophrenia and depression are possible, I suppose, but none of them are necessary to explain this.

Your brother's situation sounds a lot like mine, absent the older brother. See if any of this sounds familiar.

You say you grew up in Eastern Washington. That means at best Spokane, where there's actually a restaurant called Beans and Rice and Jesus Christ. More likely it means some remote farm in the middle of stinking nowhere. Beautiful country, but I'd go completely batshit crazy (as indeed I did in rural Virginia) as a reasonably smart kid growing up there, knowing perfectly well that there's a whole world going on elsewhere, one that I want desperately to be part of, but am decidedly not. Throw in the controlling parents who made the decisions that put me here, and you get a fair amount of resentment built up. Eighteen can't come fast enough.

Then you go to Seattle, go to college but, lets face it, by now there are aspects of your personal and psychological development that you need to work on far, far more than you need some more academic experience. You flame out. You aren't ready for the real world, and you're not really mature enough to accept that the world really isn't like the OC if you could just get the hell off this stupid farm.

So your grades suffer, you blow your money and you're living hand to mouth. Maybe you get a job and you work hard, but you're clearly struggling. Hell, who isn't struggling financially at that age?

And on top of all that, you can't turn to your parents for help because your ego won't let you admit that you didn't take the world by storm as soon as you got out from under them. The last thing you want to do is swallow your pride and return home in defeat, live in your old room and let your dad pull in some favors and get you a crap job around town somewhere. You need to maintain as much of a front as you can. Thus the unconvincing lies and excuses.

This is really basic stuff. Sure, some people don't make it through to the other side, but a whole lot of people go through it. Your brother will probably be fine. As for what you can do, I'd try to be on his side instead of your parents. The less you worry about him throwing his life away and the more you're there for him when he needs you, the more you'll be able to positively influence things.
posted by Naberius at 4:37 PM on October 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

listen to amtho.

Oh - and unless he is going to do self-harm or something incredibly dangerous (i.e. rob a bank) really, really don't communicate any details to your parents.
posted by sien at 4:39 PM on October 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let him know that you are still on his side but ask if there is a reason he's been treating you the way he's been treating the rest of the family.

Let him know that you love him, that he's free to make mistakes, but that the debts concern you. (wasting money, failing out of school, those suck too, but once they are done, they are done. Debts follow you)

If your dad is a control freak as you say, don't take money from him to fly up and see your brother, at least not until your brother is on better terms with him. Don't be a messenger between your parents and your brother, or vice versa, but also don't let yourself be put in a position of lying about the fact you are in contact with him.

Mostly though, don't talk to him about family, work, school, debts unless he wants to, and be willing to drop the subject if he's had enough.

At some point, if you are in the position to, you could offer to have him come stay with you for a while at some reduced rent so he can put more money towards his debts and savings.
posted by Good Brain at 4:49 PM on October 15, 2007

Ignore all attempts from the Hive to attempt to analyze your brother. All data is second hand through your own tinted viewpoint, and what exists is so incomplete as to be useless.

Personally, I'd use a friend of his at school as a spy to gather more data. The pretext is the truth; you just want to make sure that he's not in over his head.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 4:58 PM on October 15, 2007

Response by poster: Naberius: Spokane was where my high school classmates dreamt of someday moving. I think you have it nailed, for me as well as for my brother; I just had a better safety net in my college, and expectations have always been higher for me as the older child.

Depression is something I really hadn't considered enough either, having gone through a lot of it myself. It certainly ties in to what Naberius has said.

And I'm not convinced it isn't drugs, but I can't do anything about it if it is.

I think for now I'm going to continue to leave him alone. Maybe I'll email him and tell him I'm thinking of coming up on such and such a day and would he be around to hang out.

If only Dad were as easily convinced as I am.
posted by moonlet at 5:55 PM on October 15, 2007

I'm not trying to be a bummer, but if you're not convinced it isn't drugs, do the best you can find out if it is. I lost my 25 year old son to a drug overdose and if I had known that "drugs" were his problem, I would have handled things differently. Don't underestimate the effect of drugs. There is something you can do about it. I wish I had known. I would not have continued to leave him alone.
posted by wv kay in ga at 6:27 PM on October 15, 2007

My sister and I both grew up in Eastern Washington too. My lil' sis, who is 23, just went through a similar episode, but has finally come around. I have to agree with Naberius on this. Basically your brother is figuring out how he wants to lead his life. My guess, given your explanation of your parents, is that he did some experimenting, things went bad, or something happened. Now he feels like a fuck up and he is afraid of what that will mean to you and your parents. Once he realizes that he is not a 'fuck up' and these types of things happen to many people, he will regain his confidence and return.

Until then ping him with a letter or care package now and again, and don't mention any past events, or give any sort of guilt trip. It would be wise, however, to have contact with a few people, like his boss/room mate/friends just to make sure that mental health problems and substance abuse problems aren't a concern. A little substance use and or normal amounts of depression or unsureness shouldn't be a concern. Essentially make sure he has his own safety net. It is probably better that he doesn't know about this. Confrontation will only lengthen and complicate things. Guilt and criticism when he does contact you will only make you look like the enemy and are best avoided.

Best of luck.
posted by kscottz at 6:50 PM on October 15, 2007

You've outlined the problems with your parents.

He's not behaving the way you would or the way you think he should so you've decided something is WRONG.

Maybe he's sick and tired of being judged and evalutated by people who clearly don't understand him.
posted by dzot at 8:35 PM on October 15, 2007

Three months is not by any stretch a long time. Give the kid a break.
posted by Reggie Digest at 10:33 AM on October 16, 2007

As a person in their early twenties, I can tell you that this behaviour isn't strange at all. Personally, I only talk to my mother, father and brother monthly at best- and it's usually them tracking ME down. We all live in the same city!

Many of my friends, his age and living on their own, often only contact their parents when they need something. It has nothing to do with drugs or depression and everything to do with indepedence.

Maybe your parents should be thankful, and stop handing him luxuries like a cell phone. If he's old enough to cut them out, he should understand that he's old enough to take care of himself. Afterall, it seems like he's doing well at his job.

School is another issue. If he was on financial assitance, he knew damn well what would happen if his grades slipped. Allow him enough rope to hang himself by- it's his own life, and that is the message he's trying to send you.

I suggest that when you see him, you have a good time and make sure he knows you care about him. That's all that matters anyway. Unless you seriously question his intelligence, he knows what's going on, and no coersion or advice will "fix" him.
posted by sunshinesky at 11:19 AM on October 16, 2007